Fact, fiction & the real pain of Tara's death.

[Strapping Lass]

I'm reposting this at Garfields request, so to those of you who read it before, my apologies and my thanks for your wonderful responses at the time.

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The Death of Tara…a highly personal perspective.



Warning this is long, ranty and some people might find it upsetting.



I love television, it matters to me, and when you think how many tv sets are owned worldwide I’m probably not alone in this either.

I wish it didn’t matter to me.

The pain and anger I’ve felt over Buffy in the last five or so months; how upset I’ve been made by something that is suppose to be entertainment – would probably amuse troll-minded lurkers and quite probably the makers of the show its self.



Get this one - a woman of almost thirty pissed off and upset by a television show, its not real you know!! What a freak – she must have no life.



Thing is I do have a life its not always a pleasant one, but we all have to swim through shit from time to time, we all get our good patches when things go well, some of our dreams we achieve, some of us get the people we want, some of us don’t. We all want love, we all need friends, we all have family (what ever form that takes) we all make mistakes.



We all have our small pleasure that we get by with, the good cup of coffee, the magazine of your choice read while alone in delicious silence. The newest edition of your favorite comic, book by a new author, scented oil and candles for the bath, a really good gossip. Having a favorite sport, film, team or tv show.



One of the things that used to bring me pleasure was Buffy.

I know its only a television show, I am fully aware it is not real but that doesn’t mean it can’t move me, make me happy, excite me, scare me, make me care, make me cry.

I have programs I don’t like to miss because I enjoy them, they make me feel something, and I don’t want to not see them so I guess they do matter to me, I guess that makes me an idiot -and guess what? I’m not alone.



I’ve met very few people who don’t like television, even those who profess to hate it seem quite often to hate it with a passion while watching far more of it than I do!!



We all care about television just how much can be seen of forums on the internet, in papers, in all kinds of media and in the vast, vast sums of cash television costs and makes– if we didn’t care, if it wasn’t real enough to keep us turning in then millions of tv executives would be out of a job.



The death of Tara hurt me – it really did. I know that Tara is not a real person and that I can see the very fine, not to mention beautiful, actress Amber Benson appearing in other things, I know she isn’t dead that only the character she is playing is dead.

That’s the point though, the character is dead and in the confines of the show Tara is real, she is real in the show and I liked her. I enjoyed seeing her most weeks, I have friends I see less than that in real life, and remember - everything that television as a business wants us to feel is that realness. They need our emotional investment, if people don’t tune in every week they don’t get regular viewers to pitch advertising to and then they don’t make money. It has to feel real to move us - we need to care or tv is dead. If not we’d watch only pilots, shrug and say 'but that’s not real why do I need to devote time to this I could spend doing something in real life!'



I miss Tara - I’m upset she died and I hate that I saw her die because it hurt.



I’m angry that the some of the ME staff have taken the position of ‘its not real’, I have a problem with this because it was prefaced with them telling viewers that in ‘real life’ people get killed regardless of sexual orientation. So if you are telling us its like real life don’t get upset when we act like somebody real has died.



I’ve not been able to watch an episode of Buffy since, not re-runs, not anywhere. My copy of S4 DVD sits waiting in the local comic shop where I never collected it, my other box sets stay unwatched, and in the case my S3 one, unwrapped. I will not be buying the xbox game or any books or comics. Not out of any great statement but simplybecause I can’t watch them. I don’t want to care any more because I’m sick of being hurt. Just like I can’t watch Xena any more thanks to the cruel and brutal final episode.



So something I used to enjoy and that made me happy now upsets me, I spoke in another post on this board about how I also found that times being what they are (especially post 09/11) what I wanted from my entertainment was to be entertained to feel that friendship, loyalty, bravery and love do matter. That no matter how ordinary or extraordinary we are, with belief and trust in each other we are all hero’s, we can all make a difference.

Something I always used love about Buffy that no matter how dark it got was that there was always hope and that the thing that had made Buffy the longest lived slayer was not that she was the hardest or smartest, but that she had friends and family that loved her and that she loved and that support and help gave her the edge.



Instead in S6 we are shown that love (Spuffy style) is damaged, obsessive and violent and guess what? So is sex!Rape is just how hot bad boys express their love. That true love will get you killed. That adult life is depressing, painful and full of misery.



As I put in my other post my life has been a little up and down the past few years, but even when things have been awful there is still laughter, sunlight gets through. You find whom your friends are - people still love and try to help. I’ve cried a lot but I’ve been happy and grateful too. I love my girlfriend, and my friends and my family - my heart is full and I am lucky.



Finally the thing that hurt and surprise me most of all about the death of Tara is how much hurt and bad memories it stirred up. As I put previously in a post, about ten years ago an ex-girlfriend of mine was murdered.



She had split up with me because in turmoil over her self and her sexuality she had decided to try and be straight. She began dating a man she worked with – I let her go not because I wanted to but because I wanted her to try and be happy. It hurt me, it burned me to the core but when I had met her she had had a drug problem (I didn’t know at first) and I helped her get off drugs which had been very hard.

So by that point I just wanted her to be happy and I understood the pressure her (horrible) family were putting on her. She married this guy a couple of months later in January.



In the beginning week of Nov the same year I dropped into a local bar on my way home from work and ran almost immediately into her husband, whom I’d only met twice. He was unshaven and very aggressive he accused me of still seeing her, that he didn’t want his wife to be a dyke. In the end (after much shouting) I made it clear to him I wasn’t and that she and I hardly spoke any more - he believed me because his wife had told him that I never lie, but he still remained convinced she was being unfaithful with another woman.

A week later on a Saturday my ex-girlfriend came in to see me at work, which was unexpected to say the least I mentioned her husbands strange behavior and she confessed she was worried and he was being a bit odd. She wanted to go for coffee that evening but I couldn’t leave work early so we made a date for Sunday afternoon coffee and a chat. Sunday came and went with no phone call – she had always been a little hazy on time keeping so I assumed she had forgotten.



I arrived at work Monday morning to find two police officers waiting for me – I had been one of the last people to see her alive. When she had got home after speaking to me her husband stabbed her to death 86 times, many of the wounds went straight through her so enraged was the attack. Both I and the Detective Inspector involved are pretty sure if I hadn’t seen him in the bar a week before her husband would have found and killed me too.

I wasn’t thought a good character witness to testify in court, the fact she had had a girlfriend before marriage being something that would have strengthened the case for his defense. He got 3 measly fucking years manslaughter pleading temporary insanity and extenuating circumstances. He was at her funeral; her family wouldn’t allow me to go.



Buffy isn’t real life its just a tv show, I know all about real life what I hate is how much painful, horrible memories this silly tv show brought back.

I don’t understand why and I know its not the same thing or even the same death but it hurts the same - its brought a lot of anger and resentment back, because I know what its like to have people not care she’s dead, what its like to not be allowed to grieve. I never got to go to her funeral, I expect we won’t be given Tara’s.



My ex-girlfriend WAS killed because of her sexuality, she wasn’t even the love of my life but I did love her, her death shattered me, I didn’t date for years and I still miss her. I believe I mentioned something about ME having their heads up their ass if they give Willow a love interest as soon a S7 – I still stand by that comment, if you are going to keep citing this is what happens in ‘real life’ as your defense then damn well make the grieving real.



Anyway this post is too long and it’s made me very, upset so I’m posting it and be damned and then I’m going off for a good cry.



BIG LOVE TO ALL THE KITTENS!!



Strapping Lass

[urnofosiris]

Thank you for that repost Strapping Lass. Let me say again how sorry I am for what you have had to go through.



The reason I asked you to repost this is that we have had people pop in and casually announce that Tara was just a fictional character. Get over it. Bad things happen in real life. etc. Well now, why ever do they feel the need to say that? It is not as if anyone can walk through this life without experiencing pain. Was anyone here unaware that in the 'real' world bad things happen? It's like announcing the earth really is not flat.



Well I know. Woo Hoo, so don´t waste your typing skills on that. So why do people still hurt over a fictional character? I can't answer that for anyone else of course or even for myself. I just do. To me Willow and Tara stand for something I want to believe in exists: true love, happiness for two people in a world where being different (in their case being lesbians, which apparently for many people is still a shocker can still be a reason for a total stranger or even a family member or 'friend' to beat you up or mock you or deny you simple rights.)



I cared for them, loved them, knowing full well they are fictional characters, portrayed beautifully by 2 wonderful women. I know Willow and Tara are not real, but my feelings for them are, and that is not because I have never experienced grief or pain in my 'real' life, not because I am blissfully unaware of the pain and death outside my door. It comes with my job among other things.



Next time someone attempting to defend Joss Whedon by saying that Tara is not real may do well to remember that the man himself has said that it is unlikely Tara's death hurt us more than it did him as he got so very upset whenever he had to talk about it. Oh yes, he got very upset over the death of a fictional character he himself created and that he himself decided to destroy. He knew it hurt and that is why he knew it was the right thing to do. That he was giving us what we need, not what we want.



What I cannot understand is where those assumptions come from? Whatever made him think he knows what I need? He indeed managed to create something that made me really feel, kudos to him and especially Amber and Aly. However, I never watched BtVS or WT because it made me feel like shit. I watched because his fiction made me feel good, it made me forget so called real pain and it gave me real joy instead. That is why I watched, that is what he gave me and that is what he did worse than take away. For what? Because he thinks pain is right? Well no thanks, keep it, I do not *need* to go look for it, who does.

--------------------

Tara: "uh Willow?"

Willow: "No dancing naked, huh?...It just won't be the same."

Tara: "That's all right, we can save it for later" ----From Wilderness, the newest WT comic written by Amber Benson and Christopher Golden

Edited by: DrG at: 9/21/02 9:25:19 am

[Coma123]

Quote:

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The man himself has said that it is unlikely Tara's death hurt us more than it did him as he got so very upset whenever he had to talk about it. Oh yes, he got very upset over the death of a fictional character he himself created and that he himself decided to destroy

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Well according to Amber he was excited about it so I really don't think we can believe he was sick or upset about it. Jusy another lie.

[urnofosiris]

Oh he may believe it himself, it does not matter anyway, he has said it, so next one to come along and tell us to get over because it is just fiction, should tell him as well, and they might also ask themselves that if it is just fiction, what are they doing online telling people who are upset over fiction not to be upset, what is it to them?

--------------------

Tara: "uh Willow?"

Willow: "No dancing naked, huh?...It just won't be the same."

Tara: "That's all right, we can save it for later" ----From Wilderness, the newest WT comic written by Amber Benson and Christopher Golden

[Strapping Lass]

That's a good point actually Garfield (and to suck up some more you rock by the way! )



I thought the same thing, the people who moan at us for being over invested in something that's 'not real' must be just as caught up in it as us to jump on boards they don't agree with or enjoy and defend that fiction all over the shop. In fact they are much worse than us because they have brought the fiction that is Joss's 'artists' rhetoric about it being what they need and not changing his 'grand vision' for such a lowly thing as the feelings of his viewers, as unshakeable truth.



I saw JMS the creator of Babylon 5 once refer to his internet fans and fanfic writers in an interview, disparagingly ,as copyright infringers; it always stuck in my craw and put me off any further work from him.

In contrast I had the privilege to speak with, while at college, a british writer who has also written a ground breaking tv show and he referred to his fans variously as - income providers, the chair people of his board, people he would like to have a drink with and complete nutters



He spoke most of all how they had to respect his right to tell the stories he wanted to, but that he had to respect what the characters he had created mean to people. That as an artist you have to sometimes realise what you make has a life outside of what you intended for it. He also understood the symbiotic nature of fans and the 'artist' and that you need that back and forth because he used to be a huge 'fanboy' himself (of a certain time travelling doctor)



That understanding of fandom is something a show like Farscape has which is why its so good (I can't believe its being cancelled!! ) its something I think Buffy used to have until Joss and the some of the ME staff let ego take over their brains.



Strapping Lass



Edited because even though I'm from England it seems I can't spell in english!!

Edited by: Strapping Lass at: 9/21/02 10:55:53 am

[WebWarlock]

StrappingLass,



This is powerful and heartfelt as well as heart wrenching.



Everyone at ME needs to read this. You should mail it or fax it to them to make sure they know.



I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I do feel for your loss, because "sorry" is completely inadequate.



I will however hope that your memories will be better.



Warlock

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Web Warlock

The Other Side, home of Liber Mysterium: The Netbook of Witches and Warlocks

"It is great to be known, but it's even better to be known as strange." - Takeshi Kaga.

[Coma123]

Strapping Lass, when I wrote my shot message last night it was late and I was tired and I should have written the far more important thing that I am very, very sorry for your loss.

You have my deepest sympathys.

[Strapping Lass]

Coma, Web Warlock thank you for your kind words.



I wasn't sure at the time I wrote it whether to post it, it all poured out over the course of a long nightshift, but its had a very positive effect because I've bottled up so much about her death and thats not healthy. So letting it out (even in a long ranty post!) was very cathartic. It really did surprise me how much Tara's death brought everything back. In terms of giving me what I need, as a long time loyal viewer (not to mention all the money I've spent on merchandise ) Joss rewarded me for paying his wages (because thats what we do ultimately) by causing me genuine pain. I hurt deep in my chest after I saw SR and had nightmares for weeks where what happened to my ex got all mixed in with what happened to Tara (it didn't make for a nice dreamscape) If this was what he thought I 'needed' then I think he NEEDS to have no one watch or buy anything related to his work and vision again. Lets stop paying his wages.



As a quick note of interest Mrs Strapping (bless her ) is a huge Farscape fan and was telling me that Farscape got cancelled because the Nielsen ratings for the last show that aired showed a drop of just 2 tenths which in real terms worked out as just 6 house holds with a box watched Odessey 5 instead!!



Just six people and they cancelled Farscape!!!



So imagine what could happen to Firefly and even S8 Buffy (bleurgh! ) if we get enough Nielsen people not to watch!

Its the only way to really give ME what they NEED not what they want!!: -->



Strapping Lass

(P.S. On a very selfish note I'm trying to get Mrs Strapping to get her fellow 'scapers on line to not watch ME stuff either , but if some Kittens want to watch Farscape when its back on in January that would help the 'scapers possibly save the show! )

[Hair Annoyed]

I read this a couple of days ago. It's from the Sept. 23 issue of Newsweek. It is written by Anna Quindlen in "The Last Word" column in reference to the surviving loved ones of those who died on 9/11. It reminded me briefly of the situation with Tara, but now it also reminds me of Strapping Lass' experience. I'm sorry, SL, for your loss and pain.

Quote:

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Loss changes people, even under more ordinary circumstances, and one of the things it does is to strip away a certain veneer, designed to minimize discomfort for others. That's why people are often uneasy around the bereaved, and why they want them to get over it. It's simpler to go back to the days when the answer to "How are you?" was "Fine."

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[Dave V]

Strapping Lass, thanks again for your heartfelt words. I remember when they were originally posted. Please accept my sincerest condolences.



Dr G, good call.



I don't understand this kind of reaction from people either. Yeah the real world is harsh. Their point? I spent 10 years as a lawyer, much of it doing legal aid defense work (a kind of "public defender" work for those of you in the U.S.). I don't need to be told about child abusers, teenage gang-bangers and the like - I represented them.



M.E. really should not have mocked people's real pain. Besides being bad for business, it's just not right.



BTW, I feel the pain of Mrs. Strapping Lass. My wife, Jen, is a BIG fan of Farscape, too.

[Sheridan]

Why did Joss choose to kill Tara? Oh I know he says it was to advance the story, but consider this; if Tara had been some cardboard cut out character would we have bought Willow's reaction to her death? Of course not. The story could only work because the audience cared about Tara, in short he killed her because he knew that audience would feel the same anger as Willow did. he exploited our feelings and now pretends not to understand those feeling, Joss is a liar and a hypocrite.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Willow: ...I have to tell you....

Tara: No, I understand you have to be with the
person you l-love

Willow: I am

[WebWarlock]

StrappingLass,



I love Farscape. And you are right, a hand full of Neilsen houses can make a huge difference.



You want to work something out with this, email me.



I would love to save Farscape and team up with the 'scappers.



I can offer my support and maybe even a couple thousand rabid DA fans as well.



web.warlock@attbi.com"> web.warlock@attbi.com



Warlock

-----

Web Warlock

The Other Side, home of Liber Mysterium: The Netbook of Witches and Warlocks

"It is great to be known, but it's even better to be known as strange." - Takeshi Kaga.

[justastraightdog]

Strapping Lass, I read your posts here and then, while reading the NYTMagazine article about Joss Whedon (it was posted today at rec.arts.tv), this statement from Joss struck me:

Quote:

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I don't want to create responsible shows with lawyers in them. I want to invade people's dreams.

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Maybe you'd like to write a letter to the NY Times or to Emily Nussbaum (who wrote the article), telling them what "invade people's dreams" really means.

_________________________________
No safety or surprise, the end

I'll never look into your eyes...again

from "The End" by Jim Morrison/The Doors

[Gatito Grande]

Quote:

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I saw JMS the creator of Babylon 5 once refer to his internet fans and fanfic writers in an interview, disparagingly, as copyright infringers; it always stuck in my craw and put me off any further work from him.

---

That's very interesting SL. I think that art, at its best, is always about a dialogue between the artist and the audience. When the artist forgets this is just about always when the art heads south.



Or vice-versa: Xena, Warrior Princess had what everyone conceeded was its worst season in its Fifth Year. Creator Robert Tapert responded by hiring one of its best-known fanfic writers! (Don't think anyone at "Pens" has heard from ME yet, eh?)



GG Then Tapert reverted to "Primo Hombre" form for the finale, though. Out

[urnofosiris]

That is an interesting quote you posted justastraightdog, interesting as in offensive. Wanting to invade someone in any way leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. It means going somewhere where you are not invited or wanted, and he says "I", not "my work" or "my stories", but "I". Seriously creepy. Fiction, art whichever can affect people and it can make people feel, and in the hands of those that would rather inflict pain than inspire joy it is a very nasty tool.

--------------------

Tara: "uh Willow?"

Willow: "No dancing naked, huh?...It just won't be the same."

Tara: "That's all right, we can save it for later" ----From Wilderness, the newest WT comic written by Amber Benson and Christopher Golden

[calliopesage]

Thank you, Straping Lass, for sharing your story with us. I agree that it should be passed on to ME. Everything I want to say has already been said more eloquently by everyone else, so I will just say that I am so sorry and again, thank you.



to you and all grieving kitties everywhere!



calliope

[hush30]

Quote:

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I know its only a television show, I am fully aware it is not real but that doesn’t mean it can’t move me, make me happy, excite me, scare me, make me care, make me cry.

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Quote:

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.......I still stand by that comment, if you are going to keep citing this is what happens in ‘real life’ as your defense then damn well make the grieving real.

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Firstly I want to say I was really moved by you sharing your incredibly painful story with us strapping lass and at how brave you are.



The quotes are so true. The people on this kitten board are not idiots (we are all aware the show is fiction). Kittens are caring people who have an incredible ability to empathise with others (you only have to spend a short time on the board to see that) and who have been deeply hurt by the loss of someone they loved . The pain and grieving we feel is real and it's about time Joss and ME acknowledged this.

"I think this line's mostly filler" - Willow in OMWF