Fic Challenge: First I Was Afraid...I Was Petrified...

[tommo]

This week's challenge is from nic, and dammit, I bow to her greatness, I surely do. Read it, laugh, then read it again. Get writing, as you know you must. Goddess, it's magickal...



The Challenge:



1. Willow must babble several times. Her expertise in computers must be shown by her being her hacker self at full nerdy force.



2. Tara must stutter as many times as Willow babbles. She is also the epitome of innocence and light. Tara is goodness. Everyone is else is evil.



3. Both must dress badly, this has to be pointed out.



4. A crisis of some sort has to be averted by them casting a spell that they could only possibly do together. Candles and incense must be involved in this and be commented on several times. The spell should rhyme if possible and perhaps invoke some type of Goddess. Thespia anyone?



5. Willow and Tara saying the phrase "Oh Goddess!" or just "Goddess" is required at least three times in the fic. Perhaps other great words such as 'womyn' would be good as well and 'magickal', yes, 'magickal'. (that's with a 'k', by the way, heh ~ tommo)



This being a fic challenge of alarming proportions, there are also some bonus points. Feel free to include any, or all of them at will. Be daring and just shove 'em all in...



BONUS POINTS:



1. Faith should show up or be mentioned as being Tara's ever present bad

girl ex-girlfriend. True to Faith fashion: she must be

a) overtly sexual

b) have on leather pants

c) swagger constantly

d) say the word wicked over five times and e) be the pure embodiment of all that is evil.



2. Miss Kitty Fantastico is a being of high intelligence, we all know this to be true. Therefore, in the fic, MKF must have cognizant thought processes which can be heard. She knows all people. She knows all!



3. Love scenes are optional but if you want to write one be sure to use lots and lots of metaphors. They are your friends.



4. Buffy knows deep down in her now not dead soul that Willow is the love of her life and she angsts and angsts and angsts over this. Of course, this matters not because Willow and Tara have a miraculous love.



5. If you want Anya to show up she should only talk about sex and money or hey, why not sex and money at the same time? Kinky isn't it?



6. Use an animal to express an emotional problem the size of an ocean.



7. Cheesy romance music must play, something by their favorite artists (Melissa Etheridge, k.d. lang, or Indigo Girls) and Willow and Tara should dance to it… badly. Because we all know they can't dance.



8. Willow dips into the black arts for no apparent reason and shows signs of becoming the big bad, Tara must try to reason with her to prevent her from losing her soul to the naughty bits.



9. Dawn should steal things.



10. Amy rat gets deratted somehow. Who knows why. She's deratted.



11. Tara is in danger and Willow saves her because Willow always saves Tara, not the other way around. We all know who's the butch here.



12. End the fic on a cliffhanger.

[Jennypeas]

Firstly "Hello" to you all, big time lurker, this looked like a lot of fun, so I wanted to give it a try. I'm so sorry that it's as long as it is, or as lame. Also I'm sorry for not following all the rules.

..........

Miss Kitty Fantastico strolled across the living room of the Summer’s house (even though we haven’t heard anything about Miss Kitty in countless episodes, I would think this is the best place for her) trying to find the most comfortable place to take a nap, she opted for a little spot near the window where sunlight was coming in. “meow, meow, meow”… ‘oh woe is me, my favourite spot in the house is in use and I can’t get to it. My two lady witches doing witchy stuff up on my bed! Did they think of asking me? …Of course not! Now I suffer like no cat should, banned to the living room, because they need time to do their spells! It’s always don’t play in that Miss Kitty, or don’t eat that Miss Kitty, but if they only listened to me, then things like this would not be happening right now!’ A little sigh could be heard escaping Miss Kitty’s mouth. (Cheesy music follows, as only cheesy music would while doing a flashback)



“Oh Goddess…Oh Goddess…” Tara whispered seductively into Willow’s ear. “I just love when you do all the stuff with the computer, a push of a button here, a push of a button there, and boom you’ve got the whole world at your fingertips. So what are we doing today? Hacking into government files, or can we find out how they really get the Caramilk into a Caramilk bars?” Tara asked breathlessly.



Miss Kitty looked up from her spot on the bed and made a small helpless meow, ‘not with the chocolate again! Please Miss Tara please… just let it go.

Willow shot a nasty little look over in the direction of Miss Kitty, “you know this is all your fault, if you hadn’t been playing around in all the ingredients this never would have happened.”

“Sweetie don’t be so hard on her,” Tara said, “she’s just a little kitty”

“But she ate the most important ingredient!” Willow complained.

“I know sweetie, I know” Tara moved her hand to rest on Willow’s back making small little drawings trying to calm her lover down.



Now if you listened close enough you could hear a little ‘pfft’ come from the small animal as it eyed Willow, “But it wasn’t me at all! It was Dawn, she was in here before me, she stole it… oh Miss Tara use a spell to make it so you can understand me. You’re the only good one around here, make it so I can speak and I will tell you ALL of what goes on here!



(Back at the computer)

“No sweetie we are doing something much more important…” Willow looked up into Tara’s eyes “we are checking out the good ol’ Hotmail Inbox, to see if our special ingredient has come in. But sweetie I promise as soon as we finish this spell I wont rest until I hack into all the government files and find out how they get the Caramilk into the Caramilk bars.”

Willow turned back to the screen and entered her log in name ’my_sexy_witch’ and password ‘Tara’ Two new emails graced Willow’s Inbox, one for Cauldron Times, the hip new magickal website dealing with all things witchy. The second was the one Willow had been waiting for, “They have our last ingredient! Tara look, the dealer says, he’s got it in.”



So off to the new magic shop those two crazy witches ran just a few miles at the opposite end of town, the new magic shop that is nothing like the ‘Magic Box’ but completely different you know the one called ‘Box of magic’



(Later on in the day)

Willow and Tara pushed into the Magic Box with sad frowns on their faces. “I can’t believe that he sold it to someone else” Willow almost cried. “This is such a problem, it’s a whale of a problem, a big whale in the ocean swimming around, a blue whale for instance, those are big, it’s that big." She babbled on and on.

Tara sat down at the Scobby table, “W..w.. where are we going to find a new one?” Tara stuttered in a really cute way.

“Find a new what?” Anya asked coming behind the counter carrying a wad of one hundred dollar bills, slowly stroking each individual bill, letting her fingertips graze over the soft inky texture. (kinky isn’t it?)

“We went over to Box of Magic, you know the new magic place. Well the dealer said he had a special eye of newt for a spell we are working on,” Tara explained “but then he sold it… and now… we’ll never be able to finish the spell!”

Anya gasped. “You went to another magic store?!? How could you do that to the money and me, she didn’t mean it baby I swear.” Anya spoke soothing words to the money. “Three questions for you both, number one, how could you do this to me? Number two what eye of newt do you need, and thirdly what is the spell for?”

Willow spoke up, “We need a pepper blue eye of newt so we can finally De-Rat Amy!”

“De-Rat Amy” Anya asked.

“De-Rat Amy” the witches replied.

“I have pepper blue eyes of newt! Give me a second and I’ll get them for you” Anya ran off.

Willow and Tara jumped up and down, happy to have the last ingredient for the spell, just then the door to the magic shop opened and in walked an upset blonde Slayer, who looked on the verge of tears. Beside her walked the dark haired Slayer in maybe the tightest black leather pants she had ever worn. Both were acting chummy maybe a little too chummy if you get my drift.

“Hey ex-girlfriend” Faith yelled out to Tara, “like my new wicked leather pants, aren’t they just wickedly wicked?” Faith smiled. (yes I know Faith would never say wickedly wicked, but wouldn’t it be fun if she did?) So anyway me and ‘B’ and heading over to the Bronze, you guys want to come join us, have a little fun? Do a little dancing and get down tonight?

“They have a miraculous love,” Buffy whispered.

“What was that Buffy?” Willow asked?

“Never mind her Red, she’s been saying that to herself all day, anyway off to the Bronze common guys lets go have some wicked fun”

“Just for a little while, because we have important spells waiting for us at home” Tara explained with a sly smile on her face.



Finally Anya returned with the infamous pepper blue eye of newt. The girls paid for their purchase and off they went to the Bronze, they did ask Anya to come, but she mentioned something about staying with the money.



(At the Bronze where Willow, Tara, Buffy and Faith (in her wonderful skin tight black leather pants) are attempting to get their groove on)



Tara a Faith are sharing a friendly ex-girlfriend type of dance on the floor, “soo…”Faith started, “how are you and Willow doing? Is she treating you right, because you know if she’s not I’ll kick her ass, I’ll do it for you Tara!”

Tara started laughing, “Faith relax, Willow and me are better than ever. Sometimes it feels like we are the only two people in the world, and I love her… but…”

“But?!?” Faith demands



(“BUT!?!?” the Kitties of the Board scream)



“But I’m really starting to worry about the direction Willow is taking with her magic. She’s powerful and sometimes she dips into other powers that she thinks she can control.”

“Why haven’t you talked to her about this?”

“Faith I’ve tried, and I’ve tried, but I just don’t like the path she’s heading down”

Tara rests her head on Faith’s shoulder and a little *sigh* escapes her lips. (awwww)



(Over at one of the various tables of the Bronze a pair of sexy demon fighters can be found, and anyone walking close enough might think that the short blonde had a thing for our cute red headed witchy hacker)



“Willow would you like to come shopping next time me and Dawn go?” Buffy asked as politely as she could

“Why Buffy” Willow looked up with those beautiful green eyes.



“Because what the hell are you wearing?!? You know Willow I have always loved and supported you in good times and bad, ‘plus I really have it bad for you, and if it were my choice I’d have you naked all the time… get back on track Buffy, mental slap’ but… Willow an orange blouse with a pink and white striped skirt and lime green tennis shoes! What are you thinking, it’s madness I tell you madness! You know this is Tara’s fault, before her you use to have something resembling a wardrobe…but none of that matters, because you have a miraculous love” A single tear fell down Buffy’s cheek, she took one last look at Willow and ran out of the Bronze crying.



From the corner of the dance floor Faith sees her fellow Slayer in tears and runs off to follow Buffy ‘she’s going to be in need of some wicked love.’ “Buffy wait!” And that’s the last we see of our two favourite Slayers



Walking over to her confused girlfriend Tara asks, “What was that all about?”

“Buffy was nice enough to invite me shopping next time Dawn and her go.” Willow smiled brightly.

Just then some really cheesy song by ‘The Indigo Girl’ or ‘Melissa Etheridge’ comes on and Willow asks Tara to dance. They start swaying aimlessly to the music. “Willow not that I ever mind dancing with you, but don’t you think we have more pressing issues to deal with?”

“I put my hand up on your hip, when I dip, you dip, we dip…” Willow said, while trying to follow the dance moves of the song.

“What was that sweetie?”

“Oh nothing, just trying something new.”

Willow looked deep into Tara’s eyes, “ more pressing issues… such as what my love? This?” Willow gently nibbled at the skin under Tara ear. “or this?” Willow placed a light kiss on Tara’s neck.

“ummm, right.. Willow stop that! Remember that time, when we were late for class, and you said just a few more minutes, just few more minutes, and a few more minutes turned into ten and then thirty… and then, oh that’s a good idea! But we should really get back to the Summer’s house and finish our spell!



Both sexy but poorly dressed witches race back to the Summers house, to finally De-Rat Amy!!! (Some inspiring music comes on to let the audience think that it is finally going to happen)



(Back at the Summer’s house in Willow and Tara’s room)

The room was filled with candles everywhere. Yes it’s a safe bet to make that any fire hazard laws the town of Sunnydale had intact, both witches were breaking them all. Candles up on the book shelves and the windowsill, the tables and even some covering the floor, and for every few candles there was a vanilla incense burning to give the room a misty vanilla type of feel. All the ingredients were laid our on the floor. Spiders ears, grain of sandalwood, some of Tara’s homemade ingredients and of course the final special ingredient courtesy of the ‘Magic Box the only one true magic stop’, the pepper blue eye of newt. Both witches sat across from one another, Tara slowly preparing herself for the upcoming spell, she looked up at Willow who had already started. “Willow what are you doing?” Tara asked “this spell needs both of us!”

“You just looked so cute preparing, I thought I’d get a head start, you know finish it off if I could, so we could get back to what we started at the Bronze” Willow smiled, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Willow I want to do this together, like we use to do spells before, please just give me a few more minutes.”



After a few a few more minutes Willow and Tara finally began their spell to De-Rat Amy!

Willow began the spell, placing all the ingredients into the bowl

Tara started saying the magical spell words

“We invoke thee Goddess of Mystical Power

Perhaps Thespia if it wasn’t her off day… but anyways

we invoke thee… “(just not good with the rhyming and for that I’m sorry)

Tara continued saying rhyming words to invoke to the Goddess of Mystical power.



A bright and powerful light started rising up from the bowl of ingredients. The bright light slowly moved towards the little rat and surrounded her. Seconds pass and the light starts to get brighter and brighter, it grows and grows, and grows… some more growing… and finally the rat starts to change!

“I put my hand up on your hip, when I dip, you dip, we dip…” Willow sings

“Willow NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” Tara screams

But it’s too late, there’s a flash of light, a scream, another scream, a male sounding scream (where did that come from?) and all the candles blow out. Willow jumps up to hit the lights and she finds a very naked and confused human Amy, but Tara is gone. She looks all around the room, no sign of Tara, she looks under the bed, no Tara. Just then the bowl used for ingredients starts to shake and a little Hoppy Toad hops out onto the floor.

”Omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg…Tara and the toad, and the toad and Tara and the spell we did, Tara! Hoppy toad!

“c…c…croak…”



(Music starts up to make the audience think this is the end for our witchy friends)

How will Willow transform Tara back into the sexy witch that she is…? (Keep in mind how long it took for them to de-rat Amy)

What happened to Buffy and Faith when they left the Bronze? (wink, wink)

Why is Dawn stealing a pepper blue eye of newt?

And more importantly how do they get the Caramilk into the Caramilk bars!

These questions will never be answered because after all it is a cliff-hanger



The End

[Nika]

Buffy Soap

O.k Kittens this morning a challenge was issued like none I've ever read. The conditions are grueling and I'm not sure I'll be able to pull it off just right. But I'm gonna give it a try or die in the attempt. There are a lot of rules so I think, It will be best to break up the fic in parts. The idea I have is based on this premise: what if Buffy was a Soap Opera? Following this line, I'll be able to hopefully insert all the concepts requested for the challenge including the bonus ones. I don't know Anya's last name so I've made it up and spikes last name is more because of the character. Also I've made up all the computer talk, cause I know nothing having to do with the high-tech jargon. If you believe that this is too crappy to continue, than please say so and I will cease to torture you with my twisted machinations. For now here's part 1 of my answer to Nic's challenge.

Title : Buffy Soap



Author: Nika



Pairing: It's a soap so probably every body with everybody else at some point.



Rating: It could go from PG-13 to R



FEEDBACK: For this one I'm begging you...tell me what you think...comments, suggestions, indecent proposals...they're all welcome.





Buffy Soap part 1 (Or as the stake turns)





List of Players:



Rupert Giles: Wealthy English industrialist. Owner of a Multinational company

- CompuWizards- dealing in computer software and unbeknownst to most Leader of an under-ground movement dealing in the occult -The Council Org-. (Has a shady past-hides a deep dark secret)



Joyce Summers: Art Gallery owner and antique's collector. Lady of high society within the Sunnydale circles. Unbeknownst to most has a drinking problem. (Has a shady past-hides a deep dark secret)



Buffy Anne Summers: Daughter of Joyce Summers, is a wealthy debutante, looking for love in all the wrong places. Unbeknownst to most is the key player of the underground occult movement in the role of the Slayer. Rich girl by day-Vampire hunter by night.

(Has a shady Present-hides a deep dark secret.)





Dawn Summers: Youngest daughter of Joyce Summers, Wealthy debutante brat, looking for love where ever her older sister may happen to find it. Suspects her Sister is living a double life, but cannot prove it. ( Unbeknownst to most wants to have a shady present, has the Slim Shady album - Is trying to find a deep dark secret to hide.)



Willow Rosemberg: Computer genius working for CompuWizards. Unbeknownst to most a hacker extraordinare and a witch with growing abilities and powers, also working for the occult movement. She is Buffy Summer's best friend and is currently involved with Tara Maclay. (Has a Shady present- hides a deep dark secret, apparently related to an incident in band camp.)



Tara Maclay: Doctor at Sunnydale's General Hospital (Every soap has to have a Doctor...it says so in the Soap Box Bible). She is the epitome of innocence and light. She knows nothing of her lovers double life. (Has no shady past-hides no deep dark secrets...except for that one time when unbeknownst to most she took the last cookie from the jar and denied it.)



Xander Harris: Young executive at CompuWizards wishes to advance up the corporate ladder, but is constantly passed up for promotion. Unbeknownst to most drives an ice-cream truck on the weekends just for fun. Is currently involved with Anya Jensen.

(Will soon have a shady past and a deep dark secret to hide.)



Anya Jensen: Secretary to Rupert Giles at CompuWizards, wishes to advance in her social status at any cost. Unbeknownst to most she is a spy for CW's biggest competitors.

(Has a shady past and present and has many deep dark secrets.)



Spike Cunningham: Working for CW as a bloodsucking...lawyer. Unbeknownst to most is obsessed with obtaining Buffy Summer's love and family fortune. Has dealings in the occult on the opposing side of the Council Org. (Has a shady past, shady present, cool ray-ban shades and hides many deep dark secrets.)



Other players and guest stars...let's leave that as a surprise for sweeps week, shall we?



Inside the CompuWizards Office building.



Int-Rupert Gile's office





G: (From behind a huge lavish desk) "Willow why isn't that program ready?, we're already behind schedule."



W: (Nervously squirming in chair) "Yes I know but there's a glitch ...I still need to work on the factors and the binary, anagram, Parallel- vectors in order to get the whole thing in tip-top shape. That's what you said you needed...no glitches and tip-top...not tip...not top...tip -top...now it's just tip...it's barely a tip of an ice-berg...it's more like a q-tip, or a bottle top never the top of say a building. It's on the tip of my brain the solution I mean, but not off the top of my head which is part of the problem...you see what I mean?



G: (Mouth slightly ajar, taking off glasses and rubbing temples) "I'm sorry I asked...Bloody hell! Just get the thing running before our competition, steals yet another design and we're left looking like fools."



W: (Looking rattled) "Yes sir...I'll get right on it...cause if ever a whiz there was..."



G: "Just go please and remember the meeting tonight"



W: "Yes sir." (Exits the office with a worried expression on her face.)



G Slouching back in his chair) "I don't know what's worse the way she talks or the way she dresses, how can two mere articles of clothing clash so bloody much? (on the intercom) Anya get in here please."



A: (Wearing a tight dress that shows an ample amount of everything) "How may I help you?" (Said very coquettishly)



G: (Not giving her a second look) "Get me some aspirin please."



A: (Exists thinking: "Great I blow a bundle on this dress and the old guy doesn't even look up from his desk. Maybe he doesn't go this way, I'll have to speak to Xander maybe he get somewhere. I'll make him wear the blue suit tomorrow, that shows off his butt."



(She arches an eyebrow in an evil fashion and suspense music plays).



To be continued...



Cut to commercials:



Mother and daughter out on the porch swing talking amiably.



Daughter: "Mom what do you do when it's red and dry and it just won't go in, I'm worried Bill might leave me."



Mom: (Loving smile reassuring hand on shoulder) "Oh honey...(pulls box out from thin air apparently) here use this - Astroglide- Is the best lubricant in the market. One out of every two gynecologists recommend it."



D: (Smiling brightly-hugging mom) "Thanks mom"



M: (Smiling back) "Doctors and moms know best dear"



Jingle in the back ground: Astroglide-Astroglide let's you in slip and slide...tra-la-la...Tra-la-la.

[dreiser]

TITLE: Never Circle From the Beginning of the Drain

AUTHOR: Dreiser

EMAIL: dreiser0@earthlink.net

YAHOO I.D.: dreiser3

MY REALLY LONG HOMEPAGE ADDY: www.angelfire.com/anime2/...eiser.html

BTVS FIC ARCHIVE: www.geocities.com/dreiserfic/dreiser.htm

CONTENT: W/T and stuff.

SUMMARY: This is some weird shit. Be warned.

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my love of stuff.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Uhmmm. It's weird and OOC and not meant to be taken seriously in any sort of context. Yeah. Remember that.



Never Circle From the Beginning of the Drain



By: Dreiser



It was a day like any other day in Sunnydale. Which meant that Willow was spending time on her computer. Because that's what Willow did, spend time on her computer. Some people ate, some people slept, some people showered, and Willow? Well, Willow spent time on her computer.



And so we begin our story.



Currently Willow was spending time on her computer in an attempt to debug it. She cursed the Goddess or whoever was in the heavens above as the screen frizzled and frazzled and fruzzled, although she had no idea what a fruzzle was, though it reminded her of the Wuzzles and that frankly scared her. Somehow or another, her computer had gotten a virus and now it was up to her to cure the piece of machinery. Unfortunately for Willow, none of her cures were working.



Thus leading us to the point we are now. Willow standing on her feet, shouting at her computer quite loudly and smacking it with her tiny tiny girl hands. When she hit the computer her tiny tiny girl hands would make a whupping noise, not a nice whacking noise she'd rather like to hear, and it angered her more.



"Stupidpieceofcrapcomputer!WhyinthehelldidIeverbuyaMac?!I'mahackerandwhat

thehellkindofhackerusesaMacanyway?!ItmakesnoGoddessbedamndedsense!!"



Those were the words Willow shouted as she fully disintegrated into what many referred to as her 'babble mode' charming as it is. This babble/shouting went on for several more minutes before the computer blipped and blooped and then went fruzzled and Willow shrieked at the top of her lungs.



She simply hated it when she couldn't fix things you see. It was something that was caused from her childhood. One too many lego kits that were ruined by the lame attempts of Xander caused a rather anal retentive streak in Willow to appear and if she can't fix something or do it right, well…



Willow picked up the nearby and strangely overlarge wrench then lifted it high over her head as a manic smile spread across her elfin features. Whup! Whup! Whup! Sparkle, fizz, sputter, kerplump… the computer was dead.



"Stupidpieceofcrap," Willow repeated, heaving a great sigh.



Thus ended the morning of what was supposedly the start of a day like any other in Sunnydale. Although one would notice at this point, that really isn't true.



---



Meanwhile, in a much more gentle, loving, tender, and splendiferous part of the world Tara was sitting in a meadow surrounded with flowers, bunnies, and Miss Kitty Fantastico along with Amy Rat. They, of course, all sat under the wisdom tree since we all well know Tara is the big knowledge woman.



Perfect in every conceivable way.



Straightening her halo, Tara looked at Miss Kitty and smiled sweetly. "Why Miss Kitty," she declared in dulcet tones. "You're looking well today."



Miss Kitty stared at Tara like she was perfect because, of course, she was. Tara smiled at this recognition of her perfection then went back to humming as she picked the flowers and made herself a wreath out of them.



This went on for several minutes before Miss Kitty wandered her way over to Amy Rat who was in her ever present iron barred prison of terro… ehh, cage. She made eye contact with her illustrious comrade then cleared her throat and began their daily conversation.



"Say Amy?" Miss Kitty started off, licking her fur. (Don't think that pervs!)



"Yes Miss Kitty?" Amy continued, her whiskers twitching.



"What are we going to do tonight?" Miss Kitty asked, already knowing the answer but asking simply out of habit.



"The same thing we do every night, Miss Kitty," Amy replied, her beady eyes looking ominous as her claws rattled her cage. "Try to help me become human!"



Looking up from her flower wreath making, Tara frowned and wondered about that oh so familiar theme song playing in her head again. Then she shrugged and went back to her usual business. You know, of being perfect.



---



Having destroyed the evil that was her Macintosh computer, Willow was wandering about Sunnydale in search of Tara because she wanted to shag… oh I mean, make sweet sweet love, oh screw it, she wanted to shag.



So Willow was wandering and trying to forget her horniness and the fact that she always got that way whenever she wrecked expensive machinery. Oh, all the bits and wires and the motherboard, splintered all over, that smashed CPU… the gigs, the bytes, the ram! Willow quivered and started running. She really needed to find Tara before she was forced to do spells alone.



And we all know how Willow and Tara hate doing spells alone.



In her harried running throughout the small demon infested town she ran into her recently resurrected and also alive (isn't that the same thing) best friend, Buffy. It is also to be noted, being only a few days returned to the living makes one a tad slow in the reflexes and so when Willow crashed into her Buffy couldn't avoid it.



And a-tumbling they went. Tumble, tumble, tumble, I tumble with you, sings Boy George, and yeah, that's what they did. They finally stopped tumbling and went into the spin cycle with Buffy being straddled by Willow who was still fixating on the broken motherboard she'd demolished with her mighty wrench of justice.



"Willow!" Buffy gasped.



As noted earlier, Buffy was once dead but now she's alive, and ain't that spiffy? Yeah, yeah, it would be except now… for some whacko reason, Buffy had gotten it in her I was almost a zombie head that she's in love with her wrench hauling best friend who we all know is happy with Tara becauuuuuuuuuuuse…



READERS CHANT: She's perfect!



Oh, I knew you could do it. I love you all. Buy me presents. Anyway, Buffy is in love with Willow and Willow is horny and Tara is perfect. Wow, a recap.



"BuffyhaveyouseenTaraIneedtofindTarabecauseshe'sperfectandsoareherboobsI meansplendidmoundsofwomanlyroundnessandIreallyneedtofindherbecauseIneedtoyouknow,getlaid?Hahaha.OhIcan'tbelieveIsaidthat!" exclaimed Willow.



In a hazy of being in love with Willow-ness, Buffy could only stare at her best friend dreamily. "You're so cute when you babble," she murmured.



Willow stared at Buffy like she was a retard.



Then she got up and off of her and went in search of her perfect girlfriend who possessed splendid mounds of womanly roundness. Whatever that was. Buffy in the meantime, watched her go, admiring her ass, before she burst into tears or she tried to… I mean, she was dead, her ducts are all dried up.



Basically Buffy was coughing or wrenching or something on the grass, looking like a general freak because Willow didn't love her back and now she was gone. Plus no one thought she had splendid mounds of womanly roundness.



Or at least not anyone that she wanted them to think that.



---



Sneaky feet, sneaky feet, quiet feet are sneaky feet. Tippy tippy toes and out stretch the fingers and bam! Hahahahahaha! Yet another piece of something that wasn't hers was now hers!



Dawn smiled in triumph and stuck the candy ring on her finger as she skipped down the street towards the Magic Box. She loved stealing, it was her forte. Part of her felt it was because she was the Key. You know, keys fit into things, like doors or safes, so she was just fitting her fingers into holes.



Wow. That sounded so wrong. Read it out loud. I'm really pervy. Anyway, lets move on from that shall we? I'm still baffled though. Man…



Having stolen her fifty one items for the day, Dawn was taking her obligatory break and headed into the magic shop to harass Anya. Mostly because she liked to do that. Plus Anya always talked about sex. No adults would talk about sex around her and Dawn was irritated by that. I mean, she watched MTV. She knew stuff. The Real World people. THE REAL WORLD!



Yeah.



Wait… no… that was a lie. Faith would talk about sex around her but Faith was cool and she wore leather, which was related back to being cool. There's just this cool quality to wearing dead bovines that can't be explained. Too bad for Dawn that Faith wasn't in town… or was she?



Pondering the strange crash of lightning, Dawn leaned against the counter to the Magic Box and watched Anya counting the money in the register. That was the other thing about Anya, she loved money. Money and sex, sex and money, they were her life and her blood. Yes, yes, she couldn't do without either.



"Hey," said Dawn, pulling the candy ring from her mouth.



"Hello," said Anya in return, going back to counting the money while still keeping a close eye on Dawn somehow. She knew full well of her stealing habits.



"Talk about sex?" requested Dawn, trying to look coquettish.



Raising an eyebrow, Anya looked at Dawn then sighed. "I wish you would find some other topic you enjoy speaking to me about," she began. "I do have some other interests you know."



"Fine, fine," Dawn waved her hand and candy ring around. "You can talk about money and sex at the same time. It's okay with me."



"Much better," Anya smiled widely. "Sex with Xander wasn't nearly as good as it usually was this morning but I think that might be because of wedding jitters and I have to say that the register is low on cash as well. Meaning I didn't have good sex or good sales today and I'm actually quite depressed about it."



"That sucks," said Dawn, putting the candy ring back in her mouth.



"No," said Anya, tilting her head to one side, "I didn’t do that this morning."



Before Dawn could reply to this, Willow rushed into the magic shop looking harried and horny. Running up to them, she babbled quickly, "Haveyouseenmy sweetsweethuggywuggyTaraBear?Ineedsomegoodlovin'fast!"



Looking at each other with dim expressions, Dawn and Anya shrugged then faced Willow and said together, "Nope."



Seconds later, Willow went running out of the Magic Box and things were back to as normal as they can get in this particular story.



"You know," said Dawn, staring at the door Willow had ran out of. "She had on a really ugly outfit. I mean, uglier than usual. What's up with plaid pants and then a bright orange top? Is she color blind?"



"You should've seen what Tara had on," Anya started to say then she blinked. "Wait," she frowned. "I'm only supposed to talk about sex. Of which I had today. Three times and counting."



"Cool," Dawn grinned.



---



Bad to the bone… durhn durhn durhn… bad to the bone…



That was her theme music you know, because that was what she was. Bad, bad to the bone. Yes indeed she was and not just because she was the sexiest damn person on the planet but because she also wore dead bovines.



Oh yeah, you know who I type of. She's Faith baby and she's back. Roaring into Sunnydale on her Harley or something else cool and running over all of the pretty flowers in Tara's meadow where she sat with the bunnies.



"Fa-Fa-Fa-Faith!" Tara stuttered, remembering that despite being perfect she did have a habit of doing so. "Wh-wh-wh-what are you do-do-do-do-doing here?!"



"Wicked," Faith replied, grinning widely.



"Wh-wh-wh-what does th-th-th-that mean?!" Tara demanded perfectly as the bunnies gathered around her in a defensive circle. These bunnies had seen a lot of Bambi and they knew how to kick ass like Thumper. Aw yeah.



"I'm here to seduce you," said Faith, her voice husky, her eyes dark, her walk swaggering, and her breasts popping out of the shirt she wore. "It's wicked of me, dontcha think? I mean… we broke up years ago but hey… I'm sexy."



"Uh…" Tara blinked. She really had no idea what to say. Then she remembered that she and Willow shared a miraculous love. That and Faith had cheated on her a bazillion times when they were dating. "N-n-n-no way!"



"What?" Faith blinked as well. "You don't think I'm sexy?" She frowned severely and studied her skin tight leather pants and way too tight tank top. "Not wicked," she breathed sadly, her face scrunching up like she was going to cry.



"Do-do-do-don't be sad," said Tara quickly, rushing to Faith's side. "You're sexy, I-I-I just ha-ha-have a g-g-g-g-girlfriend now. You know, W-W-W-Willow."



Dark brown eyes turned black and Faith growled, "Wicked Willow. Stealin' my ex's! Don't she know all girls who date me still date me forever?!"



"Goddess, wh-wh-what on Earth does that mean?" asked Tara with a frown.



"I'm going to stab something!" Faith declared hotly, swaggering back over to her motorcycle and looking like the sexy evilness that she was. "Stab something a lot and in a wicked fashion too! Stabby stab stab!"



Then she drove off, killing the rest of the flowers in Tara's meadow. Leaving Tara alone with the motorcycle fumes and the bunnies. Miss Kitty and Amy Rat having disappeared somewhere along the way.



---



Buffy was wrenching and wailing and something else when a motorcycle hit her. It should have killed her but her dying an episode or two after she came back to life would be really lame so it didn't. She just got dirty and rolled on the grass.



When she stopped rolling she noticed who hit her with the motorcycle and became quite irate and perhaps even pissed off. Rising to her feet, she declared with utmost Buffy haughtiness, "Why did you do that?!"



Faith didn't reply to this question, she simply jumped on Buffy and yet another battle between them began. One where Faith was hoping to stab something and Buffy was… uhhh… who knows what Buffy hopes for.



---



Willow had searched all of Sunnydale and still, no Tara. It seemed to her that she was a chipmunk without its nut and she was becoming desperately horny. Ready to do a spell all on her own but then she realized she had forgotten her true best friend, her favorite option… black naughty bits magickal spells. Oh yes, they were her favorites.



Gleefully, Willow dashed into the nearest meadow. For some reason there were a lot of meadows in Sunnydale. Maybe it had to do with all of the cemeteries in the town as well. Who knew. Anyway, she ran into a meadow and made a cutesy noise as she sometimes does and a little baby deer appeared.



In milliseconds it was dead and Willow was being attacked by a mass of angry bunnies. Then the bunnies were dead and Willow had more black magickal bits then you could shake a something at.



Her eyes turning pitch black so she'd look ultra creepy, Willow rose off the ground for no other reason than it looked cool and chanted a spell in latin since we ALL KNOW latin is the best dead language of them all (fuck that, sanskrit rules, someone write quotes in sanskrit) anyway… she was doing that.



Bwahahahaha… the badness ensued and Willow finally knew where Tara was! She was standing right in front of her asking why all of her bunny friends were a pile of dead bunny friends.



"Uh…" Willow began hesitantly, looking at the pile of dead bunnies.



"I'm waiting," Tara demanded, tapping her foot, her boot getting tangled up in her puke green long skirt as she pushed up the sleeves to her red and yellow striped sweater which was way too big. Yeah, it's a hella ugly outfit.



"It was an accident?" offered Willow sheepishly. The entire situation being very strange as she was sheepish as she floated off the ground and had black eyes.



"Down!" Tara demanded, pointing at the ground. Immediately, Willow floated down to stand at ground level. "Well?" Tara nodded at her and Willow's eyes went back to green. "Don't do that again or no nookie," informed Tara.



In that moment Willow had a shining realization. She no longer needed the naughty bits of black magick! Not when she could have nookie with Tara. Oh, isn't it wonderful when we come to that realization? Uh… yeah.



"Can we have sex now?" asked Willow.



"Yes," said Tara, smiling perfectly.



"Thank Goddess," Willow sighed happily.



They were about to do just that when Buffy and Faith came tumbling into the scene, looking like a spin cycle with Faith trying to stab Buffy. Rising up to her feet, Faith saw Tara and flashed a huge smile. Causing Willow to turn red with anger and zap her with lightning.



Faith fell over smoking and Buffy pounced on her, taking advantage of her frazzled and electrocuted state. Tara in the meanwhile, stared at Willow.



"What?" Willow looked innocent. "She was bothering me."



Having recovered from being toastered, Faith was fighting Buffy again and watching them for a few moments, Willow and Tara sighed then shrugged. They knew what they had to do, it was for the good of humanity or something like that. Out of nowhere, candles and incense appeared and they were lighted. All was well as they began their spell and now it smelled like uh… incense.



Joining hands and looking rather bored, they said together, "Chosen two, go take a poo, run run run away to the loo, we're sick of you!"



Suddenly Buffy and Faith stopped fighting and made horrible faces before they ran towards the nearest public restrooms at defying speeds. Now left alone, the two witches smiled at each other and prepared to make whoopee.



Then Tara realized something.



"No!" Tara gasped, moving out of Willow's arms. "I can't make love unless our song is playing and we have to dance first! You know that, snookie wookums!"



Willow knew of no such thing and contemplated turning back to the naughty bits of black magick until she noticed Tara's cleavage. Then she decided they should head back to the Summers home, which was conveniently empty, and put on their favorite song and dance so she could finally get some.



Off to the Summers house they go.



---



In completely different territory… ehhh… or not, was Amy Rat and Miss Kitty Fantastico. Having escaped from the horrific slaughter of their bunny friends in the meadow, they were now in the Magic Box on the top floor. Amy Rat was in dire need of being human again just because being a rat sucked. Miss Kitty was along for the ride because it was more fun than batting at a string of yarn.



Amy Rat twitched her nose and flipped through the book with ratly claws, studying the sanskrit (latin sux!) and deciphering what it meant. Basically it meant she wouldn't be a rat anymore so she needed the spell ingredients.



Which was why Miss Kitty was bounding around the Magic Box collecting them for her. The kitten was a surprisingly good thief and it was easy to poach things since the two humans in the shop only talked about money and sex. Who knew why. Amy never talked about that a lot as a human.



Maybe things had changed since then. Was Montel still on TV? Was Oprah still fat? Did people still have mullets? Amy Rat was dying to know.



"I've got them!" Miss Kitty declared, dropping the ingredients from her mouth and onto the floor in front of Amy Rat. "Will you do it now, Amy?"



"Yes, Miss Kitty," Amy Rat chuckled/squeaked. "I will now become human."



And yeah… after an hour or so of boring stuff like mixing the ingredients and casting the spell in ratly language sanskrit, she did become human. Which was odd for Anya and Dawn, seeing a naked girl and a kitten walk out of the magic shop together and from the section where the naughty bits black magick books were kept as well. Ah well, thought Anya, they needed to tighten security.



---



"Come to my window… I forget the rest of the lyrics… but it's Melissa Etheridge and it's dykey so lets move on…"



Yes, the song it played, and yes, they danced to it. Badly at that. Because we all know that Willow and Tara damn well can't dance. They danced and danced until Tara smooshed Willow's toes then they decided to finally have sex.



Ah, romance was in the air. No wait, that's Melissa Etheridge. Hmmm.



"Willow," Tara gasped as Willow's hands rested on her pillowy ovals of flesh. "I love you so… you are my soulmate and don't ever use black magicks again."



"Tara," Willow frowned at her as she squeezed the blonde's pillowy ovals of flesh. "That wasn't very romantic of you to say."



"Sorry," replied Tara, falling back onto the bed, with Willow on top of her.



"It's okay," said Willow, giving an easy smile.



Willow removed all of Tara's clothing and then she removed hers because she has to do all the work here, Tara is perfect after all, and then she went back to kneading the pillowy ovals of flesh before her. Moving her hands down to the tender lump…



To be continued…



ROFLMAO!!