Reminiscing (new fic)

[Spikeizmine87]

Hey kittens! Well here it is! My first fic! I was persuaded by some of you and decided to post! This is my first Willow centered fic, not so much Tara but will get there eventually! Be gentle!





Disclmaimer- All characters belong to Joss Whedon, M.E., UPN, and whatever else. I'm using this story for my own pleasure, nothing else!



Rated-PG for now

Summary- Willow reflects on the season 6 finale and her change through the season.

Note- Isnt angst great! This was originally writen a month after the s6 finale. I want to thank the fellow kittens at the chat, you guys are so awesome and I adore you all! This is for all the willow tara fans everyone and I want to thank Amber and Aly for creating these characters and letting us play with them!



PART ONE

"Are you sure you don't want anything?" Buffy asks. I know she is concerned. But I just want to be left alone. I always want to be left alone. I nod grimly. "I'm fine Buffy." I say. She looks at me one last time. It was one of her pity looks that Ive learned to loathe over the years. :Youre a mess Willow: Those eyes say. And she walks out without any other word. I sit back down on my bed, feeling more sad then ever. I wish I could just break down and cry. But I know the tears won't come. Nowadays they hardly ever do. And when they do come, they never stop. It's been a month since I lost myself. And only Xander, my best friend, the man I adore, had saved me. He saved me with his love. A part of me hated him for that. I didn't want to come back. I didn't want to be the plain Ol Willow everyone loved and cared for more then anything else in the world. That was a Willow I never wanted to be again. But something happened that day when Xander told me he loved me over and over again. They told me it was the magicks I had taken from Giles, I understand that now. Maybe it was something more then that. Oh how mad I was at Xander! I wanted to hurt him for loving me. But I couldn't. I couldn't hurt him. I loved him and I couldn't hurt him! It hurt so bad inside. And it still does. It will always hurt. I broke down. Maddend with grief and anger, I broke down. I was angry. Angry at Xander for loving me. Angry at everyone. But especially Tara. My love. My life. My soul. But how could I hate her? SHe was my light when it was dark. She was my everything. She was apart of me. And when she died, I died too. And maybe a part of me will always be dead. Because to live without Tara was to not live at all. I hated her for dieing. Hated her for leaving me here like this. Alone. I loved her so much. SHe died. She died and I lost myself. And I didn't want to be found. I remember when I told Tara I would always find her. My life was supposed to be simple, go to school, help Buffy, try to attain some sort of normal life even though we live on a hellmouth. And Tara was supposed to be there with me. I thought she always would be too. And when I had been so stupid and selfish to do that spell on her...things changed. And when she moved out, that was the saddest I had ever been in my life. Not even when Oz left me. But we found eachother again. And god that was great. That was how my life was supposed to be. And then she was taken away from me again. Forever.



Comments? Suggestions? Thats just the first part folks!

-Rose

Please dont let my name fool you, I really am a lesbian! willowntara247@yahoo.com (my email addy!)

[musicmad10]

Hi Rose,

See i told u, u could post it! It's good, i definatly think u should carry on

Luv Hannah

Edited by: musicmad10 at: 4/5/04 2:44 pm

[xeembiote]

awaiting for more...

[TaraBaby77]

More please??? =)

Aaron

'TaraBaby77'

[Spikeizmine87]

ty ty! ima feed back whore! haha more soon, promise!

-Rose

Please dont let my name fool you, I really am a lesbian! willowntara247@yahoo.com (my email addy!)

[sam darls]

Rose..I loved that..it was so good. Love sammi xx

"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong. And those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie Sammler (Evan Rachel Wood)

[Spikeizmine87]

Ok kitties! My hands are all rested up! Heres part two! Disclamiers as before!



PART TWO

I walk downstairs, hoping noone is around. If they were, I know that there would be a million questions asked. It's like when we brought Buffy back last year, it was always just a rerun of questions for her. "How are you?" "Do you need anything?" "Are you ok?" God if they did that to me, I dont know how I would be able to handle it. I wasn't ok. I don't know id I would ever be ok. Looking around the living room I see Dawn watching TV. I figured Buffy was out patrolling, she wouldn't have left Dawn with me if she thought I wasn't capable of looking after her. Looking up, she sees me and smiles brightly. "Willow, hey!" She says. One thing about Dawn, she knew if you were upset, it was best not to push or pry. She herself and gone through that when she found out she was the Key last year, and when Joyce died. "Hey Dawnie. What are you doing?" I ask, trying to sound somewhat normal. "Just scanning. Buffy went out to patroll. She didn't want to bug you." She says, and I sit down. Silence is such an evil thing. I hate it more then anything else in the world. Makes me think that the world is dead. ANd then to my relief, theres a knock at the door. I get up and answer it, and Xander is standing there. I look at him, not really knowing what to say. Things are akward between us now. Maybe it was because he saved me, or maybe it was because I tried to kill him. "Willow, hey." He says, and I take I step backward to let him in. He steps into the living room, smiling at Dawn who smiles back. "Well I figured I'd watch Dawn. She needs someone fun to hang out with." He says, and he instantly stops smiling as he realizes what he has just said. "My god that was mean! I'm sorry Will! You know, can't really talk without thinking. Sometimes I shouldnt say words." He says. I shrug it off. He was right. I wasn't fun. And I hadn't been fun for a while. "It's ok Xander. I'm leaving." I walk out before he can say anything, without so much as a passing glance.



PART THREE

Main street. A place to meet friends, hangout, or just sit at the Expresso Pump and watch people as they go by. God the Expresso Pump...A wave of memories fill my head. Could it have been a mere month ago when Tara and I sat here, drinking coffee and talking like nothing had happened between us? It was here where we truely reconciled. I caught her up on everything that had been going on, and she laughed at most of the stories. We had a great time, sipping our drinks. Me lost in her eyes. Feeling so much love for her I thought I would choke. And then Anya had come and ruined the whole thing, trying to make us wish something on Xander even though we didn't know it. Makes me curse her for ruining our moment. I didn't know it, but we had so few left. But how was I supposed to know that in a few short days Tara would be taken away from me? If I could go back in time and make our moments more memorable, then I would. But I can't. I miss her so much. It hurts so bad inside. It hurts to breathe. Everything that I was, was because of her. She gave my life meaning and joy, and I loved her for it. SHe was my everything. The world didnt know how special she was to me. But she knew. She knew when she looked at me. I order a coffee and sit down in the same place we had our last date. Looking across the street, I watch the couples go by hand in hand. They look so happy. They didn't know how just one thing could destroy their lives forever. Closing my eyes, I remember my stupid mistake. My moment of selfishness. It was the right thing to do. So I figured.



Thats it for now!! Hope you guys like! Update later!

-Rose

Please dont let my name fool you, I really am a lesbian! willowntara247@yahoo.com (my email addy!)

[Oracle Of Magic]

Oh wow,



That is very angsty, and well written. Maybe seperate the paragraphs a bit more? Just a suggestion though. Keep going, and please, please tell me Tara comes back.



Blessed Be,

Sarah

[WhiteSkyFire]

hey Rose.. keep going girl.. like to see where this is heading...



Sky

[xeembiote]

more.. more.. MORE!

[Spikeizmine87]

Thanks for the feed back and the suggestions all!



Disclaimers as before!!

Note- The following is what happened in "all the way" did this in case anyone forgot what happend at the end, and its from willows point of view. I wanna thank everyone in the chat for helping me get to writting!



PART FOUR



We had been fighting about magick. I only wanted to help Dawn. But Tara said I was abusing the power. She was right you know. I just didn't want to see it. She was so mad when we got home. I've never seen her that mad before. And I was scared. Scared that I had ruined something great. I didn't want her to be mad. Never. God was a dumb.



"I'm sorry ok?"

"It's not that easy."



Tara takes throw pillows off the bed, we were both wearing pajamas.



"Well, what do want me to do? Reverse time and take it back? Cause I could probably..."



I start to laugh. Tara gives me a grim look. Clearly she doesn't think its funny.



"Joke. I don't think I could really..." I start, but she interupts me.



"You know what, can we not do this now? I'm tired."



And she gets into bed, clearly pissed. And it was my fault damnit. All my fault. Tara's never been mad at me before. I hated this feeling. It needed to stop. I needed her to not be mad anymore.



"Ok, let's forget it ever happened."



So I go over to a side table, pick up a small piece of herb with a couple of flowers on it, and hold it in my palm.



"Forget."



A flash of light moved across the herb, leaving it dead and wilted.

____________________________________________________

PART FIVE

Selfish. That's the only word that comes to mind when I think about that night. Tara was right. Tara was always right. About everything. No matter what. I was abusing the magick. I know that now. But I didn't want to see it. Too self absorbed, too power hungry to care that I was hurting those around me that I loved. Including Tara. And I loved her most of all. But she knew. She cared and she loved me. And when she found out that I did that spell, she left me. I didn't blame Dawn. She didn't know. And I know that Tara was just trying to help me. But in my state, I really didn't care. And when she moved out....I just sat there, thinking about what I had done. I thought I lost her forever. And it was my fault. How mad Dawn had been! She wouldnt even talk to me or look at me for the longest time! But when she saw us in the hall that morning, she was so happy. Dawn loved Tara more then her own sister at times. Tara was always there for her when Buffy wasn't. And I know that Dawn misses Tara as much as me, and I think she always will.



There's too many thoughts, too many memories of Tara and I that I cared to dwell on. Too many mistakes I made that I can't make up for. Too many tears long since dried. I get up out of my chair, leaving my coffee there. I didn't even drink it. I know I wouldn't sit there again. The pain was too great. And I was tired of it.



More later everyone....I personally think this isnt my greatest writting. As I writer I think Ive improved since I first wrote this. So please, suggestions and comments that could help me would mean the world! Because I know this isnt my best writting!

-Rose

Please dont let my name fool you, I really am a lesbian! willowntara247@yahoo.com (my email addy!)

Edited by: Spikeizmine87 at: 4/7/04 2:58 pm

[TaraBaby77]

Hey there Rose -



Just wanted to say thanks for 2 great updates!!! But, really would like more......NOW!!! heehee, just kidding. Great work, hope to see more soon. P.s. I like your writing. =)

Aaron

'TaraBaby77'

Edited by: TaraBaby77 at: 4/11/04 6:13 pm

[Spikeizmine87]

thanks all for the feeback! As you know, Im a feedback whore! haha...here's part six and seven. You know the drill! Oh yeah, the poem is one of my all time faves! Its called "she walks in beauty"



PART SIX

UC Sunnydale. You know, it's funny. I had this big whole plan. Me and Tara were gonna graduate from there. We both knew what we wanted to do with out lives. But then again, we had to stay in Sunnydale for Buffy. So any dreams that we might have had, we couldn't do anything about it. Finishing college now seemed pointless. Now it has no meaning without her. The halls are cold and empty, and the people are like zombies to me. What would be the point to go back? Go back like nothing had changed? Come back and see all the happy people without a care in the world? How was I supposed to do that without Tara? I couldn't. Without Tara, I was nothing. Just another worthless person. Just another face in the crowd.



I walk down the hallways. Everyone was on summer vacation, living their lives, being happy. I loathed them. Maybe it was a good thing too. I knew I couldn't deal with people and I didn't want to either. The people who didnt have to worry about the world ending, fighting vampires and demons. They just wanted to make it through the next four years. They wanted to make it alive.



Walking down these hallways felt like I was walking towards my death. I dreded coming to the end of this particular one. These hallways were filled with too many memories, good and bad. Happy moments with Tara, sad moments without her. I approach her dorm room, getting the spare key out of my pocket, I unlock the door and walk in.......



This room was full of memories. Everything I looked at, everything I touched had her memory imbedded in it. And the bed....I smiled at all of our moments there. Talking, doing spells, cuddling, making love....a sigh as I walk over to her desk. Looking for something, a picture maybe. Just something with her essance. Something catches my eye. It was a poem I had come across while reading one of my many poetry books, I had copied it down, because I was going to give it to Tara. When I did, she almost cried. She adored it so much.



"She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that's best of dark and light meets in her aspect and her eyes. Thus mellowed to that tender light which heaven to gaudy day denies."



Tears begin to well up in my eyes as I finish reading the poem. Tara was more then beautiful then the sky. Her light surrounded everything she touched. But now that light wsa gone, and it was dark. Always dark. And I felt so alone. Tara was in heaven. I knew this. Of course she was! She never harmed a soul. Always happy, always loving. And I loved her for it. Looking around, I knew this was going to be my last time here. I can't come back. Her memory, her essance, would always be here, haunting me till the day I died. I loved her. I loved this place. Loved it so much and a part of me never wanted to leave. I wanted to take comfort in her things, hold them, and know everything was going to be ok because I was here, in her room, the place where I would always be safe. But the memories...god, the memories. I didn't want to forget this place, because then I'd forget her. I didn't want to do that. I would never forget. Never forget her. I loved her to much to do that.



PART SEVEN

Sometimes I thought life wasn't worth living without her. It was hard for me to get up everyday for those two months without her when she left me. Now I was supposed to do that for the rest of my life. I was supposed to live the rest of my life without her. I couldn't do that. When Oz left me, I was torn apart inside. Didn't think I could live another day without him. But then I met Tara and things changed. I changed. Everyday was so perfect with her. Then Oz came back. Everything was so confusing. There was Tara, and then there was Oz. I loved Oz, but I also loved Tara. More then anything I had wanted Oz to come back. I couldn't see my life without him. But then I realized I loved Tara. I still loved Oz, I think I always will. But I loved Tara in a different way, our love was special. Different then any love I had ever known. I always thought we'd be forever, but I was wrong.



Tara was taken away from me by the last person I had expected. Warren. A nerd. A HUMAN. Rage and anger pulsate throughout my body. Tara wasn't supposed to die like that. If anything she was supposed to die doing something great, like fighting the forces of darkness. And not byt getting shot by some nerd! But I had made him pay. And I smile as I think about what I did to him. Tara wouldn't have wanted that. I know it. But I had to make him pay for what he did! I wasn't gonna let him go to jail! He destroyed my light, my love, MY LIFE!! And pay he did. But I didn't want to be like that again. I don't get any closure for what I did. But I had to do it. For her, for me, FOR US.



Ok kitties!! Done for now!! I wanna thank the lovely and hot MIKA!! for helping me in my time of crisis. I wouldn't have made that line work without you! The end is near, I will update soon!!

-Rose

Please dont let my name fool you, I really am a lesbian! willowntara247@yahoo.com (my email addy!)

[musicmad10]

hi rose,

I'm liking it, it's very angsty! I like your writing style!



Luv hannah

[xeembiote]

awww.. so this was what you were working on.. thought you were doing an essay

great job, keep it up

[Spikeizmine87]

Ok kitties...here it is...the last parts of the story! I contemplated doing a second fic to this, and today while in english i had the best idea for fic! So I wont be doing a 2nd fic to this....sawry to anyone who cares! Anyway, disclaimers as before!



PART EIGHT

"Buffy? Dawn? You guys home?" I say as I walk in the house. But theres no answer. So everyones out. Dawn mustve gone somewhere with Xander. And I really didn't mind. I wanted to be left alone anyway. I shut the door and head upstairs to my room. I set the stuff I had brought back with me on the bed. I had taken a few things from Tara's room. One of her favorite shirts, a gray one with blue and green stripes going across it, a necklace I had once given her, an amulet we sometimes did spells with, the crystal her grandmother had given her, and a picture of her I had taken at her birthday party last year at the Bronze. I sit on the bed, spreading everything around me, looking at each one, picking them up, putting them down. I'm on the verge of tears. I feel so lonely, so out of place. So....lost without her. I look at the picture of her. It must have been the happiest moments of her life. I studied her face, never wanting to forget what she looked like. Etching it in my mind forever. Her eyes, her lips, her entire being. I miss her. I miss her more then I every thought I would. My heart aches for her. I want to be with her again. And one day I knew I would. But not now. Staring at the picture again, I realize that I'm finally saying goodbye. The memories will never fade. I'll never let them go away. I love her still and always. Too much to ever forget. I look at the picture once more, missing her sorely. "Goodbye." I whisper, kissing the picture lightly. Overcome with sadness and tiredness, and I set the picture down by me, resting my head on my pillow, until finally I fall alseep.

(YOU THOUGHT IT WAS THE END! HAHA)

PART NINE

A light spreads across the room, a distant rumble of earth shaking fills the almost empty place. Willow, deep in sleep does not notice. A body appears on the floor, fully clothed. It's a girl, with blonde hair and blue eyes. She lifts her head, surverying her surroundings, She doesnt know where she is, she doesnt know how she got there. Shakily, she gets up. There's a girl on the bed! A girl with red hair looking like fire. Cheeks smeared with tears, eyes deep in sleep. The blonde walks over to the bed, a faint reconing of knowing who this girl is. She looks so familar. Looking by the girls hand, she sees a picture...a picture of her! The blonde looks at it, and then at the redhead asleep. Sitting down lightly on the bed, she reaches a hand out to the redhaired girl, wanting to stroke those red locks. But then, the girls eyes open wide. She stares at the blonde in disbelief. The blonde withdrawls her hand...daring to believe....daring to think its true...is it? The redhead sits up. "Tara?" She says. The blonde looks at her. Now she knows. Now she knows. "Willow?" And Willow nods. She didn't know what else to do...it was Tara...was it? Was she really here? Was she really sitting by her? Was she dreaming? "Willow...am I dreaming?" Tara asks. Blue eyes filling up with tears. "Am I dreaming?" Willow asks, now her eyes are filling up with tears. They both don't say anything. They just fall into eachothers embrace. Crying, hugging, kissing. Knowing that this was real. They couldnt say anything. They just sat there, too obsorbed in the reality. Never wanting, never needing to ask questions. Because neither of them cared. The only thing that they both wanted, was eachother. And that's all that mattered.



Was it...was it ok? Did it suck? Was it bad? Im scurred now! eep...well kittens, thats the end!! TADA! Let me know what you all think cause I want to know what to do when I start the new one! I love you all! ride

-Rose

Im here. And Im queer. Need I say more?

Yes, I shop at "Dykes R Us"

[Aine]

awesome fic. i really think you got into willow's head well. hope to see more of your fics soon.



stacey

[Oracle Of Magic]

Great job Rose! I'm happy to see that you wrote that fic you had been talking about. The ending was nice and happy, just the way I love them. I can't wait to see what you write next.



Blessed Be,

Sarah



PS: Yes, I know I need to work on another story.

Edited by: Oracle Of Magic  at: 4/19/04 8:08 pm

[maudmac]

New to the archive. You can leave feedback!

---

and i don't really care if you think i'm strange   /   i ain't gonna change

[Spikeizmine87]

looking back on this fic...i remember posting it...thanking cerain people who arent my friends...i enjoyed writting it, makes me glad i still do it...

-rose

I didnt know what being happy was till i found you, i didnt know what love meant till i loved you.

[Miss Evanescent]

oooh rose fic! wootwoot eep



sis i really love these bananas! enjoy! i love that poem...wow....and the ending! great! *drools*