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Title: Season 7 Author: snippygal Rating: Regular font - PAX - PG/ Italics - Kitten-vision - R Disclaimer: The characters in this story are property of Joss Wheedon, ME, and Fox. The ideas expressed in this story are mine -- you can tell cuz they’re funny and lesbians don’t die. Spoilers: Joss Wheedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind. Notes: So I did the tragedy thing. Now it’s time for comedy. At least, I think this is comedy. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced such a thing. It’s a spoof on Season 6 and all the ridiculous things that happened. Not a lot of Willow/Tara goodness, but thought we could use a good hearty laugh. Or at least a tiny chuckle? It’s written in a very simple fashion -- Eye asspyre two bee a Bufffy righter sumeday. *Additional notes: This is going to be a complete Season 7 (depending, of course, on the response and my commitment -- I have what my ex likes to call “a problem with commitment”, whatever that means.) I’ll be playing around with reality quite a bit. The italics will be what is happening around the actual scene. You’re gonna have to suspend your disbelief quite a bit. “BUFFY” Episode 7.9 - “Bunnies & Beans” (*Added Disclaimer: This is actually the title of a wonderfully fun Easter song a friend wrote. There are no beans in this episode; lima, jelly, or otherwise, so don’t look for them. Not that people go looking for beans. I just don’t want you to get to the end of the episode and think “Hey - where are the beans? She promised me beans and now I am unfulfilled.” So - no beans. Just lots of bunnies to make up for the lack of beans.*) LAST TIME: “Buffy,” Willow’s voice says again. “We’re bunnies!”
“Huh?” Buffy looks down at the bunnies on the bed, who are both looking up at her.
“Yeah,” Tara’s voice says. “We, um, we kind of -- fucked ourselves into bunnies.” AND NOW: Buffy walks through the halls of Sunnydale High carrying a large cage. Inside sit a rat and two snuggling bunnies. Off to the side she notices her little sister in the middle of what looks to be some type of business transaction. A squinty-eyed skater boy hands her a roll of dollar bills and she discretely slips him a small plastic bag. They part ways.
“Dawn!” Buffy yells and runs up to her, careful not to jar the cage in her hands too much.
“Hey Buffy. You working here today?” she asks as she quickly pockets the cash.
“Why aren’t you in class? And why are you hanging out with skater punks?”
“I had to go to the bathroom.” She holds up a hall pass. “And don’t be so judgmental. Xander had a skateboard when you first met him.”
“That was just a prop to take the attention off his bad hair. Now, don’t change the subject. What were you doing with that guy?”
“He forgot his -- um -- his herbs for home ec. class. He asked me to buy some for him. Geez, get a hobby and stay out of my business.”
Dawn notices the cage for the first time. “What’s with the animals? Did you join 4-H or something?”
“That’s Amy. And Willow and Tara.”
Dawn’s expression borders on curious and skeptical.
“Seriously! Will, Tara - say something.”
The bunnies peer up at Dawn and twitch their noses. Dawn smirks a little as she raises her eyebrows at her sister.
“Have you ever thought about getting your head checked, Buffy? I mean, you’ve landed on it several times --”
“I’m not crazy! Willow! Tell her!”
Buffy sets the cage on the floor, gets down on all fours and yells through the small bars.
“Come on, guys! Talk!”
Dawn giggles, flips her hair and walks away. “My sister is such a flake,” she says to no one as she continues down the hall.
Buffy groans, stands up and takes the cage back into her arms. As she nears the library she hears muffled laughter coming from the cage. She doesn’t even look down.
“You guys suck,” she growls at her furry friends. This makes Bunny Willow and Bunny Tara laugh even louder.
Buffy enters the library to find Giles talking to a very scraped up Xander. His face is scratchy and stitched and his arm is in a sling. Buffy places the cage on the desk and rushes to them, sure that she can help.
“What happened?”
“Last night, after Riley and them left, I was driving home,” Xander begins. “And I saw a bus load of nuns broken down on the side of the road. So I picked them up. I mean, I am the Xan-Man with the mini-van, ya know?” He tried to say this with the largest amount of cool possible, but doesn't quite pull it off. No one could pull that off. “Anyway, we were having a good time. The Reverend Mother had a guitar and Sister Abigail led us all in a round of ‘Kum Bah Yah’. Have you ever done ‘Kum Bah Yah’ in a round? It’s really fun. Anyway, around the time of ‘someone’s crying, Lord', we were all really getting into it and I was passing a bottle around and driving a little too fast and --- long story short, we wrecked.”
“Xander! You gave alcohol to a bunch of nuns?!”
“Yeah. But -- that’s not all.”
“What else?”
“They didn’t make it.”
“What do you mean, they didn’t make it?”
Xander stares down at his feet shuffling along the floor. “They didn’t survive the crash.”
“Xander!” Buffy swats his shoulder. “You drove drunk and reckless and killed a bus load of nuns?!”
He shrugs. “Well, I didn’t know what was gonna happen! I thought there’d just be songs and prayers. And maybe a Hail Mary or two.”
“Giles, what do you think about all this?”
Giles scratches the back of his neck and sighs. “Well, at least no one was hurt.”
Buffy’s jaw drops to the floor. Literally. Slayer-joints. She’s like a snake.
“Hiile! Hah ha hou hay ha --”
“What?” Giles asks.
“Huh?” Xander echoes.
“What’d she say?” Bunny Willow whispers to Bunny Tara from inside the cage. If bunnies can shrug, Bunny Tara shrugs.
Buffy resets her jaw. “I said - Giles! How can you say that? Nuns are dead! We’re talking women of God! Dead!”
Giles pushes the air with his hand. “Oh, Buffy, they’re only day players.”
“Well,” Buffy claps her hands together. “Now that that’s settled, we have a bigger issue to deal with.”
She walks over to the cage with Xander and Giles in tow.
“What’s with the fur balls?”
“Yes, Buffy, this is a school, not a zoo. Why did you bring those filthy rodents in here?”
“Hey!” Bunny Willow exclaims. “We’re cleaner than you are!”
Giles and Xander leap back, holding each other.
“Did that -- was that -- huh?” Xander babbles pointing at the bunnies.
Buffy rolls her eyes. “Oh my God! Six years on a Hellmouth and you two are shocked by a couple of talking bunnies?”
“Evil bunnies,” Giles whispers with a shock.
“Anya was right all along!” Xander gasps.
“They’re not evil! They’re Willow and Tara!”
Giles looks into the cage. “A spell?”
“Not exactly,” Bunny Tara shyly replies.
“Dear Lord,” Giles says, disappearing behind the desk and bringing up a large book. “I’ve read about this sort of thing.” He flips through the book. “Ah! Here it is -- conveniently in this book! How wonderful!” He looks up at everyone with a proud, dopey smile on his face. “It says that without actually casting a spell, it is possible to transform oneself into a bunny when ---” He stops suddenly. Of come the glasses. “Oh.”
Xander looks around, confused. “What? What’s going on?”
“Willow and Tara had too much sex,” Buffy states bluntly.
“Oh!” Xander’s eyes widen, as does his smile. But soon his brow creases. “I thought that caused blindness.”
“No, that’s just when you have only one -- bunny,” Buffy reminds him.
“Oh yeah. I remember one time in Jr. High when I couldn’t see for a whole month and -- um -- never mind.”
Giles clears his throat. “Right. So, there must be some sort of reversal spell. It looks like we’re in for countless hours of research.”
---------------------------------------
Meanwhile, in L.A. ---
Joss sits alone in his small white room. His roommate has since been placed in the High Risk Observation wing after some of the doctors caught a sneak preview of “Girls Club”. Crouched in the corner, the “auteur” scribbles on a piece of paper. He mumbles words to himself while he writes. A doctor and another man enter the room.
“He hasn’t had many visitors. It’s a good thing that you came,” the doctor tells the man.
“Do you think I can help?”
“We can only hope. Good luck,” says the doctor as he leaves the man in the room.
He walks towards Joss, his heavy shoes clunking on the linoleum. When he leans down to be at eye-level with the crazy, his leather pants make a loud screech. Joss looks up with wide eyes.
“Angel!”
“Hey there, Joss,” Angel wickedly smiles. “Whatcha writin’?”
---------------------------------------
Many hours of research later ---
Xander and Buffy sit at the cluttered table, tiredly flipping through books. The cage sits between them. Buffy lifts her head from the pages and rubs her eyes.
“This is crazy. We’re never gonna -- hey! Come you two! Stop it!”
Xander looks up from his own book to catch an eyeful of Bunnylove. His mouth turns up in a sick, twisted kind of smile. Buffy notices his gawking.
“Xander!”
“What? It’s still two chicks!”
“They’re bunnies! And one of them is your best friend! And they’re bunnies!!”
“Lesbian bunnies,” he says more to himself in wonderment.
Giles comes out of his office to inspect the commotion.
“Giles! Xander’s watching Bunny Willow and Bunny Tara have sex!”
“Yes. I do believe you disturb me more and more everyday.”
Giles approaches the cage, sans glasses. A small, polite cough escapes his throat. “Can’t you two -- control yourselves? That’s what put you there in the first place.”
The two bunnies stop and look up at him. Bunny Willow scoots close to the bars, with Bunny Tara following closely. Very closely, sniffing her behind.
“That’s just it, Giles. We can’t control ourselves! It’s like we have no will of our own now that we’re bunnies!”
“We need to move them,” Buffy concludes, suddenly very interested in the architecture of the ceiling.
“Yes,” Giles agrees. “We’ll put them in my office.”
Giles transports the cage, then joins the others at the table to continue researching, which is interrupted by Anya, who abruptly enters the library and stops in front of them. He hands rest on her hips and she loudly taps her foot.
“Ahn?” Xander asks, a little afraid.
“Xander! I haven’t seen you for days! I need to have sex!”
Xander blushes and sinks into his chair. “Um, why don’t you wait in the office. I’ll be in there in just a sec.”
Anya lets out a huff, races into the office and slams the door.
“Bloody hell,” Giles says. “You’ve turned my office into some sort of bathhouse.”
Xander looks up. “What are you talking abou --”
Suddenly, the loudest, most horrid scream echoes throughout the library, threatening to break every window.
“Looks like she found Willow and Tara,” Buffy says.END of 7.9 --------------------------------------- She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding
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W/T fucked themselves into bunnies! That is friggin hilarious!! 
Bunny Tara and Willow can't control themselves, could they really when they were human? 