Gods Served and Abandoned

[AntigoneUnbound]

Bonsoir, mes chatounettes! (Is that right, Christine and Washi?)



Shall I compare Kittens to a summer day?

You’d blow its ass out of the water!



Christine: Thanks for bailing out my sorry Irish ass in the "Ill-Advised Attempts at French" department! You know, I didn't know that there was a feminine for "cat." And yet, for reasons that your posting makes clear, there would have to be! Thanks, Christine.



Hey Nora! How you holdin’ up, Girl? And when do you plan to start conception efforts with Nathan and Beth? Thanks for writing, Nora. I hope the papers are going well and that you can dimly discern the light at the end of the tunnel. (And that’s not to be interpreted in any kind of Freudian way, OK?)



Ruth: What generous words from a writer like yourself…Yes, I felt like it was time to leave the ol’ homestead behind or, more figuratively speaking, leave the past in the past. You raise one of my favorite questions: from whence does evil spring? Who committed the original sin, as it were? Yes, Nathan is responsible for his actions, but how much greater of a struggle does he face in controlling those actions than might someone who hasn’t been treated as he has been?



Thank you for commenting on the rock symbolism. You know what? ("No, Mary," Ruth replied, "I actually don’t." Way back in the day, I put the letter in the box knowing exactly what it was and how it would pan out. The rock? A total blind whim, and one that I thought would almost certainly come back and bite me in the ass. You should see my notes for the last few updates. In every batch, there’s at least one page w/ the question "What’s up with the fucking rock?" scribbled somewhere in the margins. It hit me as I was typing this update and I realized that it didn’t have to be of some supreme, gothic import. It was a gift from Nathan’s father, who may well not have even been a demon.



I greatly enjoy reading your observations about various characters; in your most recent post, your comments about Beth (as well as Nathan) had me shaking my head in silent agreement. Beth is about hiding, trying to find a home by being as obsequious and accommodating as possible. And even here, in her hour of greatest trauma, her desire to have a home precludes taking a stance or getting directly involved.



And the Scoobies…God, I love writing them! Sometimes they pretty much write themselves, actually. I just have to sit back and listen. Dawn conveying her multifaceted love for Tara…oh yeah.



Thanks, Ruth, for your very kind words. I always feel lucky to see your name on this thread.



DMW: Hey—I read the final chapter of "Dark Rose" last night and wanted to make sure that I had enough energy to reply w/ some approximation of cogency; hence my delay. I’m scooting over there as soon as I post this to put in my two cents’ worth.



Yes, I find Beth to be very tantalizing, in a deeply melancholic way. She makes me sad by virtue of her acceptance of her inability to act directly and assertively. She so desperately wants a place to call her own that she can (or so we’re led to believe) push away her shock and loss and go about making supper for Nathan. She’s assuming, of course, that he still wants her to do so!



You know, I’ve missed Willow’s POV the last few updates as well. In my own writing, I find that she’s a delight to have as a narrator. But yes, these needed to be seen from Tara’s perspective. You raise good questions re: the implications of all of this for her own use of magic. (Take a look at Jixer’s feedback—there are some great points made therein re: Tara’s versus Willow’s "brand" of magic.) Thanks for reading, DMW, and sending in the good thoughts.



Greenwitch: Wow—California! Oh, man…To answer your question, GW: No, it will never stop snowing here in the East. I’m smack-dab in the middle of Pennsylvania, and I’m here to tell you that we’re all in hell. What’s that? Oh, you don’t have to thank me for the revelation. I just like to be helpful.



Glad you’re enjoying the glimpses of Beth. She’s always very intriguing for me to write. Hope you like where she (and the rest of the story) goes from here. Thanks for writing, and try not to let the deep-freeze and the snow plows get you down! (Let George W. do that!)



Patches, Patches, You Rock in Large Batches! As always, your feedback is just fantastic. It’s clear that you think about all of these folks (here, in "True Gift," in your other feedback that I’ve seen) in such intricate ways.



Now, on to your question (and your well-qualified testimony of hatred): it really is tempting, isn’t it, to dismiss Nathan as a one-dimensional prick who has no history, was never an innocent, lacks the capacity to love. But that wouldn’t make for much of a story, at least not the kind of story that I feel drawn to write. Thanks, Patches, for the "not just textbooks" observation…It’s true that in my work, I’ve developed an incredible respect for human resilience and our capacity to endure and survive. I’ve also learned the dangers of casting people lightly in boxes labeled "Good" and "Bad." (I guess it also helps that I’ve had more than a few truly remarkable people grace my life.)



You raise a very important question: How would Tara have reacted, coped, if the Scoobies (or at least Willow) hadn’t been w/ her? Would she have trusted herself enough to stand tall? Would she have held onto a belief that she was worthy of such pride? I really don’t know…It felt important to show their inclination to protect her and yet have her ultimately assert her ability (and desire) to defend herself.



The Scoobies, as always, just crack me up when I watch them in my head. As I mentioned to Ruth, they’re already such wonderful characters that I feel like my primary obligation, in group scenes, is not to get in the way. And Dawn, avoiding mention of the orientation factor in her own litany, was really enjoyable to write. I wanted it to be subtle but noticeable.



And your observation about Nathan’s reluctance or perhaps refusal to say "I love you" to Tara is a keen one. Does he love Tara at all for her own self? Or is she, as you mention, a "vessel of reflected shadows of his own pain"? (Great phrase, that!) Will he ever "see" what his father saw in the rock? (Take a look at my response to Ruth for an illuminating glimpse into the rock’s genesis and evolution w/in this story—it’s hardly the stuff of great literature, but I felt compelled to admit it.)



Beth is, indeed, a worrisome figure, because she rarely acts openly and that makes her dangerous, I think. I also feel badly for her, though. I get why she hurts, and why she resorts to the tactics she does: she doesn’t think she has the power to act otherwise.



I reserve my greatest evil laugh, Patches, for your very disconcerted reaction to Donnie…I knew I could make you feel something for him besides loathing! As you very astutely point out, "Children live what they learn." Will he grow from this encounter, from this exchange that took place in the open, between all of the (surviving) players? It’s a good question…



Thank you, Patches, for just amazing feedback. It’s always a treat to see what you’ve written, what emotions have been stirred. And may your own "Clittoria" treat you well!



Tempered Cynic: You sum up things very nicely in your first sentence: "We all have troubling issues in our lives, but how we deal with these problems mold us into the people we will become." Well put, TC, and I agree. I wish I knew why some people go through an almost literal Hell on earth and emerge as kind, strong people (who often serve as healers of some sort to others), while other people can go through the same thing and either collapse or become monsters. Thanks for following this story, Tempered Cynic, and may I just add that I love your signature. I read a collection of his stories that had that quote in it, and I remember howling when I read it. Another one I loved: his (fictitious) discussion of how his recent book "Proud Emetic" had had only one favorable review, and that had been tempered by the last sentence calling it "a miasma of asinine cliches unrivaled in Western letters." When I was feeling least confident about my dissertation, I would look at it and say, "This is a miasma of asinine cliches unrivaled in Western academe." Gave me a brief, albeit sardonic, smile.



Jixer: I love your observations on Tara’s magic vis-à-vis Willow’s: sound and fury versus quiet and unassuming…and which proved more effective in terms of long-term change? Both have their place, and I don’t doubt for one second that Tara would bust out her own Giant Economy Size Can of Whup-Ass if Willow were similarly threatened, but the fact remains that in this case, Tara served as an important restraint for Willow w/o sacrificing her own agency, and gooodness, what an incredibly long sentence that was…And how will Beth handle all of this? I should probably figure that out, huh? Thanks for following this story, Jixer, and sending in your invariably thoughtful feedback.



Washi: Well, shucks…I’m just a-blushin’ right down to the roots of my hair at your ever-so-kind words…Seriously, though—I really appreciate the generosity of your response.



Ah, Donnie…Can’t live with him, can’t push him under a snow plow while nobody’s looking…It’s true: he was beaten and ignored as a child, and as bad as the beatings were, I felt myself aching for him more when he recalled being talked to like a dog. You make an excellent point about the different ways that people channel their pain—he hasn’t made a particularly good choice. Will he make a different one now?



I promise you’ll like the next update. It has plenty o’ Willow and Tara one-on-one goodness, at least as it’s playing out in my mind right now. Thanks, Washi—and merci pour ton assistance avec mon vocabulaire. (Is that right? Is "vocabulary" masculine in French? And may I te tutoyer? God, I hope I didn’t just ask if I could circumcise your mother or anything…)



Thanks again, Kittens.

Mary

Edited by: AntigoneUnbound at: 3/13/03 7:04:16 pm

[Washi]

Quote:

---

Thanks, Washi—and merci pour ton assistance avec mon vocabulaire. (Is that right? Is "vocabulary" masculine in French? And may I te tutoyer? God, I hope I didn’t just ask if I could circumcise your mother or anything…)

---

It's correct, and de rien.

Et bien sur que tu peut me tutoyer. (leaving out the accents in the sentence, 'cause, well, they piss me off )

Nah, your french is pretty good, don't sell youself short. This also goes for ur talent as a writer. And, I say things the way they are. So, there!



When I saw ur name, I was giddy, I thought there was an update, but, oh well, I can be patient.

I gotta go to bed though, 'cause its 4:09 am here in Paris, and a girl needs to sleep and fantasize, right. Okay, said too much!

Hope to have something to bite in soon (as in an update, not aomtjing else, although that would be nice ).

[The Rose24]

AU,



Wow. Two updates in two days? This is kind of unusual for you. Not that I am complaining, I am happy you did not leave us hanging for too long.



Bravo!!! This is quite a show. Nathan actually has a heart. Who knew? This still does not excuse any of his actions. Maybe now he will start thinking about all of the awful things he has done and start to forgive himself. Maybe one day he and Tara will be able to build a better relationship.



I noticed Willow being extremely angry as well. I hope Willow and Tara will deal with this and avoid all of the unpleasantness of season six.

Tara: My heart doesn't stutter.


Tara: Willow, I got so lost.

Willow: I found you. I will always find you.

Edited by: The Rose24  at: 3/13/03 10:18:35 pm

[elessar007]

As always, thank you for providing such a wonderful story.

Quote:

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As you have done, receive.

---

The part where Tara mirrored back the pain Donnie inflicted is so well written. Willow throws Donnie seemingly in defense of Tara. But defense being the sole motive becomes questionable when Willow says "it's so hard not to hurt him." My last post should have been clear that Willow and I are on the same wavelength. But Tara, on the other hand, doesn't have a vengeful bone in her body. She is so much more compassionate and has a greater sense of empathy.



Tara doesn't hurt Donnie out of malice. Causing him to fall to the ground due to the tremendous pain was not revenge. I think it was a lesson. Letting Donnie feel the pains he inflicted on Tara might let him understand that being on the receiving end of a beating doesn't grant license. Because when a victim becomes a perpetrator, the only thing accomplished is a continuation of the cycle. But Donnie's brutal nature may have passed the point of no return. Though I have my opinion, the answer remains hidden. I look forward to this question being revisited in future updates.



I wouldn't go so far as to say Tara forgives Donnie and Nathan. I would best characterize it as an understanding of their motivations. Their is a wide gap between forgiveness and understanding that cannot be closed without further healing and genuine displays of remorse by Nathan & Donnie. The Maclay males must also reach the emotional level where they are able to want forgiveness. They must replace the simplistic thinking that they deserve it with an honest belief that they have earned it. I don't know if these things are possible. That is something you must work out with your muse.



On a less serious note, isn't it late in the day for Beth to start making pot roast?





scott

Willow:In my world there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies.
Tara:You should ride with me some time. I guarantee safety and fun.
My website:elessar's Willow & Tara Wallpaper

Name my website: Click for details

[barnabasvamp]

As always, this update contained the emotional roller cosater ride we so enjoy!



Donnie, first angry and full of hate, then a little boy who never felt loved. First I hated him, then find myself feeling sorry for him.



The magik..As we have seen so many times before, and you describe it so well. Willow always the one to be a bit qiuck tempered, and use the magik in a forceful way to make a point. Then Tara having just as much, if not possibly more, power and yielding it quietly and more meaningfully then one would think.



Still in the end, the immense happennings of the past still remind Tara she doesn't belong there, and she chooses to go home with her "real" family.



Great stuff!



BV

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before"-Mae West

[JustSkipIt]

Mary, boy are you musey



That's some fast updates. I need to leave in a few minutes for work so I'll think fast (hmmm, what are the chances?)



I like this part a lot (not love) but like. Your references to the stage, to the denoumont (Debra can't spell) are very appropriate. That's what it seems like to me as everyone steps up and has their say without being interrupted. And while it's emotionally moving and completing and wonderful, it doesn't seem that realistic to me in terms of converstational dynamics. Not that that's a bad thing. Lots of fiction and particularly stage work has that type of element to it. Everyone gets to stand up and make their statement or sum up the events of the play. And in that way, it is quite brilliant.



One thing I don't like (gosh, I hope this reply doesn't sound like a slam), not just in this part but in the world in general is the reaction that it's a good idea to retaliate for voilence with violence. Willow, Buffy, Xander, and Dawn are so eager to beat on Donnie even after he no longer poses an immediate threat. And the sad thing about this is that we already know just how damaged he is from his history of being beaten by Nathan. So I'm not seeing it as a good thing. This thought that the best way to deal with violent people is through being violent with them (hmmm, would it be possible to extrapolate Debra's belief structure to a larger scale? perhaps globally) doesn't work effectively IMHO. People will always find a way to act out in another direction (hence 9/11).



Boy, Debra's rambling on for someone who has to go to work. What do I love about this part? The love that all the Scoobies have for Tara and the love she feels for and from them. Also Nathan's honesty about his mixed feelings. His honest response that when he looks at her he sees his brother but also her mother who he loves so deeply. Wow.



Beth is just plain creepy! EEEEkkkkk is what I have to say about her.



Ok, I gotta go. Debra

---

"War may be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary it is always evil." - President Jimmy Carter after receiving the Nobel Peace Prize

[Grimaldi]

great update



Buffy, Dawn, and Xander threatening to beat Donnie to a bloody pulp was funny, especially Xander telling Dawn that it was based on age as to who would go first. hate to say it but i feel a little sorry for Donnie, his father beat him because he thought it was the best way to control the demon and his mother took him along when she went to see his uncle, but it doesn't excuse the fact that Donnie shouldn't have took his frustration and anger out on Tara.

You can't just go declaring shenanigans on innocent people, that's how wars get started!
I'm not stealing, I'm just taking things without paying for them. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?
Did you just say the 'F' word?

[miss calendar]

Things fall apart, they fall apart so hard……...

You can’t ever…..put them back the way they were….....



So I’m away from the kitten for three weeks and when

I come back to this story nothing is as it was.

(And wow Mary, you’ve been prolific! I think it was 6 or 7 updates not including the last 2 you posted. It’s hard to keep up with you.)



If Tara did a Tarot reading now I imagine it would be full of the archetypal Major Arcana cards with The Tower and Death dominating the spread and perhaps also featuring reversed Emperor and Empress. (Father and Mother archetypes, amongst myriad other meanings).



Poor Tara, suddenly finding herself literally orphaned, I have no parents. My parents are dead.

My mother is dead, and the man who was really my biological father is dead. I can never talk to him.

And I can never talk to her about what happened.



‘Before that moment she was Tara Maclay, daughter of Nathan and Julia Maclay.

And then, suddenly, in an instant she became someone else.’



Everything she thought she knew about her family has changed and now she has to try and make sense of these painful revelations and to reassess all her relationships and reinterpret all her memories.

I found myself going through a similar process trying to understand the Maclays and in fact I ended up rereading the entire fic.



This is an amazing story, you know. There are so many issues and themes skilfully woven into a gripping storyline and your characterisation is wonderful. Reading it in a continuous chunk I could really appreciate the pacing and how you subtly laid the groundwork for the future developments which inevitably led to Tara’s return to Cold Springs, the family revelations and everything that has transpired along the way. There is an intensity and depth to your writing which evokes a deep emotional response and a simplicity and clarity to your style so it never gets in the way of your story telling. And I love the fact that while reading, instead of finding answers I find myself with more questions.



As Donnie remarked, ‘Old sins cast long shadows.’

I’m really struck by the way patterns of behaviour have been repeated by these particular generations of the Maclays. Nathan, Beverly and Quinn’s father has an affair and leaves when they are children, it seems they never hear from him again. Their mother tells Nathan that his father and he are both part demon. (Did she also tell this to Quinn and Beverly?) Quinn has an affair, ends up drinking heavily and finally abandoning his wife and child, never contacting them again. (Did Quinn even know that Tara was his child? With all the secrets and lies in the family I wouldn’t be surprised if he died without knowing.) Margaret does not tell Beth her father is an actual demon but portrays him as an evil sinner, effectively demonising him. Beverly leaves town and has minimal contact with her brothers. Nathan stays with his family but manages to convince his unfaithful wife and his daughter that they are part demon, while believing his son actually is part demon and treating him accordingly. Like his mother he has demonised his spouse and children and while he has not physically left town he has just as effectively abandoned them.

And neither Beth or Tara are told that their father, Quinn has died.



I love the way you make even the minor characters so multi-layered with such complex interrelationships. I love the way you don’t pass judgement, just present their actions, thoughts and feelings and leave it to the readers to draw their own conclusions. I also love the way we see all the characters through chosen characters’ points of view, learning as much about them as the people they are observing or thinking about. As a reader you have to question everything, especially given the Maclay’s pathological tendency toward secrets and lies together with an almost unquestioning tendency to believe what they are told. Well I guess that’s the whole thing about family myths, they are taken as fact and the Maclay demon is just an extreme case. It’s great how you are able to gradually reveal more and more about the Maclays, providing unexpected plot and character twists on the way yet always making them consistent and believable. I love how my attitude and feeling to each member of the Maclay family changes with every update as you paint them more fully.



Case in point, Donnie.

Now I don’t like Donnie, initially I hated him, but over time I’ve found myself feeling more and more compassion toward him. Poor Donnie, things were stacked against him even before he was conceived, given that neither Nathan or Julia were able to properly mourn the loss of Vaughan, the miscarried baby in whom they had invested so much hope. As a result Nathan and Julia were already growing apart and neither was able to look forward to Donnie’s birth. Vaughan was only 2 months old before they lost him yet they clearly both felt a strong connection to their unborn child. Donnie was not named until the final month of a difficult pregnancy and it sounds as if Julia had post-natal depression and was not able to bond emotionally with him when he needed that connection the most.



I remember reading something a while back about the apparent effects of babies’ experiences in the womb and I have noticed that newborn babies sometimes seem to recognise and respond to music that their mothers listened to or performed during pregnancy. It may be that Donnie’s experience of rejection began even before birth. His mother was emotionally absent when he was born and perhaps was never able to overcome that to form as deep a bond as she clearly had with Tara. I couldn’t help thinking of Donnie’s dream of ‘a blond woman who never looked at him, just kept walking away from him, even though he yelled and begged her to turn around.’



According to Nathan, Julia glowed when she was expecting Tara, had a healthy pregnancy and an easy birth and it’s likely that this led to a more positive feeling toward Tara even before the different fathers and sexes of the babies are taken into account. Julia did love him but clearly not in the way she loved Tara, a painful fact that Donnie just had to live with.

‘Oh she hugged him and told him she loved him, but he knew she kept a special store of love just for Tara, like the good silver that you take out for company that matters. Not for him.’



And of course his mother believed herself to be part demon (and maybe a potential danger to her son) while his father believed Donnie to be part demon and expected the worst of him before he was even born. Nathan used the fact that ‘Donnie’s temper showed up early’ to confirm his belief Donnie was part demon and then spent years beating him to keep the demon from emerging. If Donnie was a typical child that ‘temper’ likely began to appear when he was a toddler, during ‘the terrible twos’. No wonder

he has so much violence and rage – like Tara I think this is far more likely to be the consequence of being beaten and suspected from an early age than Donnie literally being part demon.



It was interesting contrasting Donnie’s reaction to the possibility of being part demon to Tara’s response. For Tara it has been a source of fear and anguish whereas for Donnie it makes him feel more powerful, perhaps even special. I seem to remember Donnie once had a strong reaction when Tara, dismissing him, said he was ‘nothing’. I don’t think he has ever felt valued by anyone and it was heartbreaking when he said to Nathan, ‘It wouldn’t have been that hard Daddy, just to talk to me like I wasn’t some dog.’



What chance did he have to build a healthy self esteem when he bore the brunt of Nathan’s projected self loathing. If Donnie’s experience was that he was unimportant and unworthy of love perhaps the hatred he feels and tries to evoke in others is the only way he can feel a strong connection to anyone. Better to be hated than not thought of at all. When Tara asked him, ‘Is there anyone you don’t hate?’ Donnie’s reply was, ‘If I think of anybody, I’ll let you know.’ I don’t think he was joking.



Another thing I found intriguing when thinking about Donnie was Tara’s mention of the world of men outside the farm and the world of women inside the home. It seems that the need to appear and behave as ‘real men’ really had a negative impact on both Donnie and Nathan. In their eyes, to show or even feel emotional vulnerability is weak and unmanly which makes maintaining a loving relationship practically impossible. Until Tara and the Scoobies return to Cold Springs neither has been able to acknowledge or express the loss, anger and pain they have tried to suppress for so many years. And despite this I believe neither feels confident or comfortable in their ‘manliness’.



I think that Donnie’s contemptuous thoughts about Nathan, probably contain a lot of his own unacknowledged feelings.



‘She had you whipped, didn’t she Daddy? Even though you talked all big and laid down the law, you still wanted her to pat your head and tell you she loved you, didn’t you. You think I didn’t hear you cryin, Daddy the night she died? Like a big baby you were.’



I can just imagine Donnie as a child desperate for Julia to pat him on the head, to tell him she loved him. I also found myself wondering if Donnie’s experience of being taken to Julia and Quinn’s trysts influenced his contempt toward women and the idea of being in love even if he did not consciously remember.



I thought it was an incredibly powerful moment after Tara does her, ‘As you have done, receive’ spell when Donnie finally feels his pain and grief, then puts the rage back where it belongs - his treatment by his mother and father.



Donnie stared at her, tears spilling over his cheeks and splashing onto the cracked gray sidewalk.

He shook his head dumbly, and when he finally spoke, his voice was broken and raw.



"She took me with her, Tara. She threw me in a car seat and dragged me to some abandoned house so she could screw Dad’s brother." He rose slowly to his feet, anger spilling back into his eyes.

"It’s not fair, damn it! It’s not fair…" His voice choked on his grief and rage.



And later,



In the silence that followed, Tara could hear Donnie’s ragged breath. Turning, she saw that he was struggling to keep from crying. Biting his lip so hard that she thought he might draw blood, he said quietly, "You shouldn’t have hit me, Daddy. You never had the right to hit me."



Of course all this does not excuse Donnie’s treatment of Tara. As you wrote so eloquently,



"No, it’s not fair," Tara replied, her voice breaking. "It was wrong and she was wrong and I’m sorry, Donnie, I’m so sorry that you went through that. And I’m sorry that you were beaten because of his twisted reasoning and I’m sorry that when you were upset they didn’t hold you and try to figure out what you needed. I’m sorry, Donnie, I am, but it wasn’t my fault! I didn’t do any of it! I was the one person who couldn’t hurt you, and you decided to hurt me. And that was wrong too, Donnie."



I wonder how differently things would have turned out if instead Donnie had been able to love her and become Tara’s ally. I still don’t like him but find myself feeling oddly protective. When I started this fic I couldn’t wait for Donnie to have his ass well and truly kicked. Now I think he’s experienced enough anger and hurt and violence and have no desire for him to suffer any more, however much suffering he has inflicted in the past. And that’s all down to you making him such a layered character. He is not only an abuser but also a victim whose actions, while inexcusable, are at least understandable.



Hmm, I’ve got carried away as usual and Donnie just took over this post when there was so much else I wanted to say. Well if you can do multiple updates maybe I can do multiple feedback posts….



Anyway, I’ll stop now.

Many thanks for this wonderful story.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
' What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday,
and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow :
our life is the creation of our mind. ' from The Dhammapada

Edited by: miss calendar at: 3/14/03 1:58:07 pm

[Grimlock72]

Until which age was Donnie beaten, when did those beatings stop ? Surely they stopped at SOME point but why ? Suddenly the demon was out of Donnie or such ?? I'm fairly sure Donnie at his current age wouldn't let himself be beaten, got to wonder 'bout that... I was thinking why Donnie didn't get out of the house years earlier, start his own life.



If beating Donnie would take away the pain he caused Tara in all those years I would be all for it. Doesn't work that way, though I suspect a large part of Willow's anger/rage/fury is because she can't take the pain away retro-actively. Would have been nice if Tara had been spared the abuse. Given Willow's temperament and Tara being her girlfriend I thought she was very controlled, which was nice



I noticed that Donnie first tried his usual bullying ways on Tara. When that didn't produce the desired result he changed to the soft-approach. Trouble with that is that after his bully-attempt I wasn't all that willing to listen to him sobbing. Never mind feel sorry for him, felt like he was fishing for something there.



A better way to punish Donnie would be to make him realize he has no real life of his own. Sooner or later he'll have to start one though, can't stay home with daddy forever. I sure as hell hope he won't abuse/hit Beth now his favourite target is out of his reach/control.



Nathan comes across as a honest, though misguided, man. He really made only one mistake, a big one true, of telling Julia she had a demon in her. Other then that he loved Julia in his own way, a bit too possesive perhaps... those two simply didn't fit and he refused to see it. Nathan isn't all that evil as a person really, he just refuses to accept some things (witchcraft and lesbianism for starters).



Donnie hits Tara becauses he likes it, Nathan hit Donnie because he thought it was nessecary. Neither one is good of course, but I feel far more contempt for Donnie compared to Nathan.



And Beth just tries to get things back to normal. Bit cramped response, wont hold forever.



Now if Donnie is anywhere near smart (IQ > 20 or so ) he'll stay away from Sunnydale for the rest of his life. I hope his pride wasn't damaged too much in the discussion, otherwise he might go back after all to get his revenge (well, attempt such anyway). The entire conversation even with defending scoobies went fairly well. I wouldn't mind seeing Donnie get severly hurt, the problem would be how whichever scooby did that would cope with it. Thats also the main reason why I don't want Donnie to go to Sunnydale again... definitly *not* because I care about him



I did wonder in which position (formation might be a better word ) the scoobies were standing when they approached the house. I suppose Willow was either in front or directly beside Tara, I know *I* wouldn't let Tara approach the house being point. Esp. not with Donnie being there.



One final note; curious how it took Tara coming back before Nathan and Donnie confronted the subject of Nathan hating Donnie. They could have talked that out earlier, I doubt it would change Donnie's attitude towards Tara though.



Enough of me rambling, have a nice weekend



Grimmy

"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[molsongrrrl]

wow! great updates as always. but i am telling ya -- tara needs some willow lovin' right now!!!



looking forward to more ...

A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants

[AntigoneUnbound]

Washi: You're too kind, good soul. And 4:09 en Paris? Zeut alors! Hope you got caught up on your sleep! Thanks for the good thoughts.



Rose24: Yes, Nathan has a heart--he's just made some pretty bad choices re: its use. You make a very interesting point re: self-forgiveness: I think before we can really forgive anyone else, we DO need to forgive ourselves. It may sound cliched, but I believe it. Thanks for following this story!



Scott: First of all, I love your avatar/picture. So dreamy (like the women therein). I really enjoy your distinctions b/w the various motivations at play, particularly our girls'. And I totally agree w/ your observation that being a victim of violence doesn't make it acceptable to become a perpetrator. I thought for awhile about whether or not to have Tara intervene physically in any way, and I decided that if she did, her nature would dictate that it involve emotional impact and repercussion. I also like the distinction b/w Tara forgiving those two versus understanding their motivations. They have to ask for it and mean it. I wonder if they will? And oh, Scott--you got me with the pot roast! You know, some of the most important elements of a story can flow out onto our keyboards, but then something like dinner proves recalcitrant. I rejected the idea of soup (not "manly" enough for those two) and pasta (ditto the above). I decided to go w/ two meat options and look where it landed me! (Um...Maybe it was a [very] late dinner?) Thanks for reading, Scott, and sending in such thoughtful feedback.



BV: A rollercoaster, huh? Interesting, since I hate them! But you're right--that's what's been going on here. You know, a lot of people have had such changing reactions to Nathan and Donnie. They invariably hate their actions, but can feel enough empathy for their pain that they can't dismiss them entirely. I love your point about Tara's power: it's not flashy, it's not sound and fury; it's quiet and purposeful and incredibly strong. Thanks for the good thoughts, BV!



Debra: Ah, like versus love...such a fine line, yes? I showed Tara's thoughts re: the denouement scene to reveal her own awareness that while this would indeed be a big scene, there was something of the literary device about it. There will be a clash of some import, but enduring changes will take place over time and dinner tables, if they take place at all. I agree that retaliation doesn't lead to real change or resolution. It felt really important for me, in this scene, to have Tara (as much as Donnie) see the full measure of the support she has and yet, in the final analysis, know and prove that she can act for herself. Willow reacted before Tara could stop her, but everyone else stopped at voicing their willingness to bust out a can of Whup-Ass. As I mentioned to Scott, it felt imperative for me that Tara's magical intervention be emotionally-based in impact and intention. The Scoobies? They're just so fun to write, really. I'm looking forward to the next update b/c it'll be a break from the heavy family drama for a bit. Thanks for the good thoughts, Debra--hope work was fairly workable!



Grimaldi: I had the most fun envisioning Dawn's response--it's such an immediate (and acceptable, in this context) way to show her fierce devotion to Tara. Thanks for reading the story, Grimaldi, and posting so consistently, like you do.



Miss Calendar: Oh, dear woman...You are to feedback as Amber is to class. I so value your reactions, because they're just incredibly thoughtful, astute, and articulate. Do you ever write any fiction here? It's great to have you back; I hope your 3 weeks away were good ones for you.



Yes, Tara has indeed suffered a sea change, at least with regard to her external identity. I think that part of why she will ultimately weather this is b/c she's already had to work so hard to become who she is internally. She's had to look inside of herself and both recognize what is within her and trust that.



I have to say, I'm immensely relieved that the story, when read in its entirety, holds together w/ re: to plot, pacing, and character development. I am, I must confess, making this up as I go so I rarely know what's going to happen beyond the next update. That could lend itself easily to confusion and fragmentation. And I greatly appreciate your comment re: my writing style. I'm not elaborate or "fancy" in my approach, and I sometimes wonder if that renders me less effective or (and I hate to admit I consider this) "legitimate."



You make a fascinating point re: the Maclay family legacy w/ re: to leaving versus staying. Some people leave (try to escape) but w/ varying degrees of success. Nathan stands fast and tries to clutch what he loves so close to him that he suffocates it. One of life's themes that I find most poignant is how one tiny moment in time can ripple down through generations and leave legacies that the descendants never chose as their own, but have to endure. Actually, I suppose that goes for both valuable and destructive repercussions.



The non-judgement part feels incredibly important to me. ("I can't stand judgemental people!" Mary proclaimed loudly, apparently unaware of the irony.) I have one set of experiences that have shaped who I am, and increasingly I believe that we simply can't assume the right to say what someone should do or should have done unless we were there--and often, not even then. Of course, Nathan shouldn't have beaten his children and lied to his wife; Julia shouldn't have taken her child w/ her when she had an affair. But I think the temptation is to dismiss such people b/c it makes us feel more secure in our own morality, when in fact few people are evil or good incarnate. The odds, as you point out, were so completely stacked against Donnie, and there's a lot of research suggesting that temperament (not total psyche, of course, but basic inclination to good humor versus choler) is largely genetic. So Donnie may have been "a difficult baby" through no fault of his own. He also has a mother who went into a depression upon his birth and then obviously prefers his sister to him, and a father who beats him regularly. Does this excuse Donnie's actions toward Tara? Of course not. Does it make him something other than a cardboard figure here to teach us A Very Important Moral Lesson? I believe so. To echo your observations again, "What chance did he have to build a healthy self-esteem when he bore the brunt of Nathan's projected self-loathing?" What chance, indeed...



Your thoughts about messages re: the respective roles and values of men versus women also intrigued me. I agree with you: Donnie projected much of his grief and longing for his mother (and, more specifically, his eventual disdain for such emotions) onto his father, enabling him to despise and dismiss him more easily. Yes, Donnie did ache for his mother's affection, and when he realized that it wasn't that she couldn't love at all, it was that she didn't seem to love him very much, it ripped him up until he came to loathe his need for that love.



Finally, I found myself mulling over your question ("...how differently would things have turned out if instead Donnie had been able to love her and become Tara's ally") for a long time. It raises very interesting possibilities; more than that, it tugs at my heart to imagine it. I've read fics where the two of them are either allies from the beginning or work through things to become close, and they're invariably touching to me.



You mentioned that you got carried away as usual--well, I consider myself lucky for that. Your thoughts invariably spark my own and I always feel fortunate that you've given this story the reflection that you have. Thanks, Miss Calendar--and have a great week-end.



Grimmy: Oh, it's always easier to look at someone else and know what they should have done, isn't it? (I have abundant examples of my own ongoing foibles to prove that point!) I don't think Donnie really considered the possibility of leaving before now, for some of the same reasons that chronically abused women don't think they can leave their partners. Where would I go? Who would want me? This is all I know. (I want to emphasize the "some" part of that comment.) I didn't see Donnie as trying anything when he broke down; I saw that as Tara's spell cutting through his defenses in a way that nothing else could have: for that moment, he truly felt both his own pain and someone else's. Donnie and Nathan talking before Tara arrived? I dunno...Could you really see those two sitting down, at their own initiation, and saying, "We need to share our feelings"? Whoa...now there's an alternate universe for you! Thanks for reading, Grimmy, and sending in the thoughtful observations. And thanks for the weekend wishes--same to you!



OK, Kittens--Thanks once again for following this story. I'm gone for the weekend and will check in again on Monday.



Next update: Tuesday night. (Promise!)



Have a great week-end, all!

Ma

[elessar007]

Just to make sure, I was only teasing about the pot roast. You are so right about soup and pasta being too 'femme' for such manly men as Donnie and Nathan.



Thanks for the compliments regarding my avatar. I made it from a portion taken from one of my wallpapers. Blue and green are my favorite colors. Isn't it a strange coincidence how that matches up with the eye-colors of my favorite couple.

Willow:In my world there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies.
Tara:You should ride with me some time. I guarantee safety and fun.
My website:elessar's Willow & Tara Wallpaper

Name my website: Click for details

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hey Scott--I totally saw the humor in your observation. It just cracks me up that such things can prove difficult to write!



Have a great weekend. Oh--cobalt blue and hunter green are my two favorite colors! Great minds think alike...



Mary

[russ]

I'm much more of a lurker than a poster here, and so many others have written such good feedback on this story that I'm hesitant to speak up. Nonetheless, I wanted to express my appreciation for such a well-written piece of fiction.



Your characterization is outstanding. None of the characters is simple or one-dimensional. No one is portrayed as black or white; all are the human blend of good and bad. The villains, while remaining evil, are complex individuals with reasons for their behaviour. The reasons don't excuse the behaviour, but they do explain it and let us see the bad choices, which led to so much harm being done.



It is your depiction of the Scoobies that I find most moving. While still human, having flaws and faults, they are united by bonds of love and friendship that will bring them through any situation. Xander, for example, is not the narrow-minded idiot so often seen in fiction or on the screen. Rather, he is the big brother, teasing and being teased, but always loving and loyal. Anya also, while keeping the characteristics that make her unique, cares deeply for the others, and is cared for in turn.



In your version of the Scoobie gang, no one is hiding or withdrawing into themselves. No one is more important than the others; each is valued and necessary. Tara can face her blood kin because Willow and the rest have given her the gift of self-confidence.



In OMWF, Buffy has a line: “There’s nothing we can’t face if we’re together.” From that point on they have never been “together” as portrayed on TV. Your story shows the truth of that line. This is a Scoobie gang who will be able to face Glory, Joyce’s death, and anything else the Hellmouth can throw at them, because they are strong and united.



Once again, thanks for this great story. Can’t wait to see where it goes from here.



Russ

[Washi]

I reread the latest update. And the one thing I think you defenitely portrayed well Mary is the tightness of the group. On TV, they showed it, but not that well. I mean, sure they faced a lot of stuff, but I really think that Xander sees Tara in a new light after the episode "Family". His family is pretty screwed up too, and if you really think about it, he's the type of guy (even though he's not the brightest) to take Tara under his wing as yet another surrogate sister. Well, I finished my fic, I just need to type it out. I hope you people will like it. I stressed a lot on that in my fic. But anyways, I'll be waiting impatiently for the new update. Suddenly, Tuesday seems far far away!

Mary, just a slight correction: it's Zut.

And, I don't sleep a lot. Or at all.

[Tulipp]

Hey Mary,

Sorry to be so absent these days, but I'm still reading and thinking and enjoying. I've been reading Oedipus Rex and watching Minority Report lately for a class, and I keep encountering various versions of this statement: when you dig up the past, all you get is dirty.



But Tara gets strong, too, and that works so well here. That's why Tara's a main character and Beth's peripheral, in the end. Not just because Tara's who we care about, while Beth is tertiary, but because Tara leaves that chapter strong and changed, and Beth leaves that chapter the same. Chicken or pot roast: that's the nature of the choice she gives herself, even after confrontations and revelations and the shaking of all these family foundations: chicken or pot roast.



But Tara, well, metaphorically, Tara makes a choice. Tara leaves the meat behind and goes vegetarian.



Okay, enough of that. I just like how you find a new recipe here for a dish that we haven't tasted yet. Lovely writing as always.

"Just call me the computer whisperer."-- Willow

[Grimlock72]

I just had this semi-interesting thought; what if we had know earlier on what Donnie went through ? The problem I have with Donnie is that he first did some things I didn't like and after that we learned some not-so-nice stuff happened to Donnie as well. I'm just not big on excuses-after-the-fact, still wondering if it would have changed my perception of Donnie (though abuse can't be *justified*, possible *explained* but never justified).



Other point, I somehow see Nathan being punished for what he did wrong already. Him living out there all alone, can't be a happy life. I don't see Donnie being punished (one way or another) for beating on Tara... (don't want to talk about 'redemption' in this regard, hate that word due to partly watching season7). Not that such punishment would solve or fix anything of course, it's just this nagging feeling I have. (maybe I should get more sleep, heh)



With Tara gone and Donnie hopefully behaving himself at home, I would think Beth has a good chance at being happy. She wants to take Tara's place in the MaClay home ? Well, there ya go... I wonder if she'll really miss her father, doubt she saw him all that much.



Heh, Donnie and Nathan still have to talk about the strongbox Donnie 'borrowed' *cough*. You're right though, I can't see them talking to each other without some mayor nudging by a third person .



This fic makes me think to much, evil eeeeeevil story



Grimmy

"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[Puff]

I really enjoyed the last few updates and it was great to catch up with this story. The first few updates made me feel so tense about what was going to happen and then when Donnie is back and he gets confronted by Tara, Willow and all of the other scooby gang I breathed a sigh of relief. I love how they all stood up for Tara, even Anya didn't mind not making money for a day. I feel sad for cousin Beth she's living in her own little world and shutting out the stuff that is real, just so she doesn't have to feel anything. The last scene with her was really sad.

Looking forward tot he next update as always and finding out how Tara is when her and Willow are alone. Thanks for the story.

---

Grapes. Because who can get a melon in their mouth?

[VampNo12]

Mary, great update! One of the things that stood out to me was the "symbolism" of the rock, and for a "red herring" (in the sense the object is more symbolic of what was "lost" due to their family "legacy", as opposed to actively playing a role in the "demon")... it deeply touched me. Really in many ways the Maclays (except for Tara) are "chained" to the past, and I think what was revealing to Nathan was Tara questioning if he even was a demon in the first place. With this in mind, Nathan accepted without question his "demon" nature, where his behavior led him to become the very thing he hated (feared) inside himself... a "demon", and now what makes it so "tragic" (as well as ironic) is Nathan might of been duped himself. I guess I'm wondering how Nathan's actions (behavior) would of differed if he never had that "strike" (demon legacy) against him in the first place (ie maybe Nathan wouldn't of held on so tightly, without having to "hide" his demon nature... open communication could of been more possible, and other such positive actions). So in this sense I do feel (have compassion) for Nathan.



Speaking in this regards, Nathan has been shaped (ruled by his fear of loss), and I think one of the reasons he held on so tightly to Julia (with refusing to let her go) had to do with her "light" (goodness). I have no doubt that Nathan loved Julia fiercely, but I think subconsciously he saw her as his only "life-life"... a chance at "rebirth". Or in other words, he felt "tainted" due to his "demon", but I think in his mind he believed that as long as he held on to her she would be his "savior"... maybe not take the "taint" away permanently, but subdue the "darkness" within him. However, as Tara astutely points out, by "trying to cage his wife, as well as break her like a wild horse", in the end he "lost her heart, and her spirit and her light and everything that you loved about her because you tried so hard to make her believe she was evil."



As for Donnie I sense the "hardened man" being at "war" with the "lost boy". In other words, by trying to bite down to stop himself from crying he's refusing to give in (show any signs of weakness), but at the same time he exposed his vulnerability... the "lost boy" inside wanted to be heard (understood) by saying, ("It wouldn't have been that hard, Daddy, just to talk to me like I wasn't some dog."). I also thought it was vital for Donnie to get a "taste" of the abuse he dished out with Tara doing the "As you done, receive" spell. Tara can be understanding (even have compassion) for the abuse he suffered at his father's hands, but "two wrongs don't make a right" (ie Donnie had no right to abuse Tara by seeing her as an easy target... a way to build himself up by taking away her "power").



In regards to Beth (to carry out the "play" analogy), I see her as the "under-study" standing impatiently backstage wondering when it will be her chance to "shine" in the spotlight. She has every right to be a part of the discussion outside, but instead she is waiting in Tara's room ("alone and forgotten"). I do feel for Beth, it's obvious she hardly remembers her father (ie her trying to recall what he looks like), and what memories she has retained are "loud" (not to mention "colored" by her mother's negative view on her husband). Really Beth is quite "lost", and she is so desperate to find her place (a "family to call her own"), that she doesn't want to make "waves" by overtly getting involved in what's being discussed. Here I sense Beth rather fall-back on her survival instinct of fading in the back-ground, where she can use her power of observation to attain her goals (make in-roads by playing her "cards close to the vest"). As for Beth maintaining her routine (ie in a sense being a glorified "maid" with her latest dilemma... "chicken or pot roast"), in many ways she's "isolated", where she doesn't have the support system Tara has found to help in building her self-esteem. So when this is the only "life" you know, (in her mind) looking after Nathan/farm makes her needed, which "validates" her self worth.



Lastly, I think the future is a big question mark. While Tara is secure with her "true" family (ie Willow/gang), her "blood family" has to reevaluate what's more important... trying to heal or using the past as a "crutch" to justify their behavior (ie continue to be "chained" to the past... embrace the "darkness"). What struck a chord with me was Nathan/Donnie looking at each other warily (sensing the fear of the unknown) right before Tara left. Here I have a feeling that with this latest reveal, the "rules" have changed... they don't know how to interact (deal) with each other in this "new day". However, now is their chance to stand up and say "I'm my own person"... what happened in the past can't be changed, but if they're truly willing to change they can work on making sure the past mistakes aren't repeated in the future (which requires them to truly "see" themselves by looking inwards, and accepting responsibility for their own faults). Not to mention if Nathan hopes to have any kind of positive relationship with Tara he needs to truly "see" her for all the wonderful qualities she has, and not as a reminder (symbol) of his greatest pain, or a link/thread to his wife (ie he needs to value Tara for simply being herself). Can't wait to see what happens next!



And thanks... yes, I was going through "law school hell" with papers and exams. However, now it's spring break... so I can truly relax, and enjoy the board .



Vicki

Edited by: VampNo12  at: 3/16/03 5:11:56 pm

[Penrose Orleans]

Mary--

Girl, I missed you while I was slaving away on my papers... but it was worth it in the end (only because I got an A+ on my Spanish paper! Anything less would not have been worth it ). Seeing as it's 5:52 in the morning, I'm a little hungover, and I leave for the airport in an hour, I'll make this brief, but I can guarantee my best effort over Spring Break.



Good grief, that whole paragraph was useless. What I wanted to say is that I thought that this update was amazingly powerful, and that it felt like you were writing the story just for me (and my love-children with Nathan and Beth, who will be begun over break, hopefully.... )... the depth of the characters at this point is a wonder to behold, especially in the case of Nathan and Mrs. Maclay. It's interesting to see your writing choice of tending toward guilt on the older generation, absolving to some extent the children for thier own suffering, even though they still are held responsible for their own actions. I think I like it.



So, anyway, brief has given way to verbose, and I hope that I haven't digressed so much that the message is lost: *clears throat* You rock. The end. --Nora

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Un delgadísimo halo negro rodeaba el ojo y lo inscribía en la carne rosa, en la piedra rosa de la cabeza vagamente triangular. . . que le daban una total semejanza con una estatuilla corroída por el tiempo.” –Julio Cortázar, "Axolotl"

[miss calendar]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for the flattering words. No, I’ve never written any fiction here, because I don’t write - which just makes me appreciate all you wonderful Pens authors even more. Though your question did remind me that as a kid, after I’d given up on long-held ambitions (like becoming a dog or a fireman) at one time I thought I’d like to write comics. Actually this may sound silly but, as a musician, sometimes I feel like speech is my second language and I can never express myself properly in words. So it’s nice to be described as articulate, especially since when I was younger, there were years when I hardly spoke at all. Heh, maybe that’s why I now have a tendency to ramble, I’m making up for lost time….



Well I asked what role Nathan Maclay played in all this and now you’ve shown us. I don’t think he comes out very well at all. He lied to Julia and Tara for years, making them believe they were part-demon. He regularly beat Donnie and he turned a blind eye when he suspected Donnie was beating Tara. He is capable of breath-taking hypocrisy and although to an outsider he may appear as an upright, family man and a good provider he caused untold emotional damage to his wife and children. He doesn’t take responsibility for his harmful actions, cannot see beyond his own need and fear which he uses to justify everything. I like him even less than Donnie and yet, once again, your skill in writing him means I can’t hate him, that instead I feel sorry for him. As Giles commented, Nathan Maclay is a very complex man.



For me the pivotal moment when I really felt for Nathan was when he revealed why he’d kept the rock. The explanation was so unexpected but so perfect – and it provided a key to understanding Nathan’s personality and actions. We got to see the 10 year old boy within Nathan who has never recovered from the catastrophic early loss of his father. And really all his behaviour since that time has been deeply influenced by that loss, whether consciously or unconsciously. There was something so sad about Nathan keeping the rock hidden and locked away all these years – he didn’t even have it accessible on a shelf where he could look at it, pick it up and hold it. And there was such a sense of failure communicated when he admitted that he had never been able to see the bear. Not only is the rock his only memento of his father but it is also a constant reminder that he was unable to see in it the very thing his father wished to share with him. I wonder if as an adult Nathan ever took it out and held it up to the light or if he left it locked in darkness.



As others have pointed out, the rock is also a great metaphor. Nathan tried to repress feelings like grief, rage, hatred, envy, jealousy, fear, shame, guilt, love and desire but of course you can’t really keep your emotions hidden and locked. However much he tried they were still present, just found indirect, at times very twisted expression. I find it ironic that one of the things that Beth values about Nathan is the fact that,

‘Uncle Nathan, by contrast, was never out of control. He didn’t let his emotions get the best of him’



If ever anyone was out of control, his actions ruled by emotion it is Nathan Maclay. And the emotion which fuels most of his behaviour is fear. Nothing is more terrifying to him than losing that which he loves, or more specifically, being abandoned. So his great love for Julia, rather than being a source of joy, became the source of his greatest fear. And he went to such extremes to prevent her from leaving.



It seems to me that for Nathan there is a distinction between his fear of loss and his fear of abandonment. Loss may feel unbearable but actual abandonment is even worse to contemplate. Painful as it was experiencing Julia’s emotional withdrawal, her infidelity and her death he derives some comfort from the fact that she didn’t abandon the marriage, didn’t leave his home. As long as she stayed he was willing to live with the pain because, " She was my wife, and I wanted her to stay my wife. "



I can’t help wondering what would have happened if Nathan had confronted Julia about her affair. It’s possible that she would have left him but it might also have been a turning point in their relationship, a catalyst for more open communication and a chance to explore things they needed to change. They could have become closer instead of growing further apart. In the end Nathan makes do with Julia’s physical presence when he believes he no longer has her love.

" Your mother tore me apart like a tornado blowing through a haystack, but I still loved her. I still wanted to fall asleep next to her, and wake up next to her."



What strikes me is that he doesn’t seem to feel he can do anything win back Julia’s love and so he just suffers passively. In fact he does this even before Julia turns to Quinn. It’s almost as if once he succeeds in wooing her he doesn’t know how to love her in an actual relationship. Nathan kept his love for Julia separate from his daily life with her and it doesn’t seem to have occurred to him that he may not have lost her love if he’d been kinder and more openly affectionate.

(Oh, Daddy…you really loved her, didn’t you? Why did you try so hard to act like you didn’t?)

And convincing someone that they’re a demon is not likely to lead to increased intimacy …..



I wonder how Nathan felt when his mother told him he was part demon. The fact he believed it so readily suggests he already had a lot of self-hatred. All his actions suggest self-esteem is an issue. Perhaps along with the loss of his father came feelings of inadequacy. Even though it was his mother who took her children and left, somewhere Nathan may have felt it was his fault, that he wasn’t good enough to keep his father, did not have enough to offer. He certainly has gone through life feeling that he has little to offer, that anyone he allows himself to love won’t want to stay unless he finds a way to control or own them. There was such bitterness when he told Tara, " Turns out my brother had more to offer my wife than I did. "



I couldn’t help comparing Nathan’s possessiveness toward Julia with Willow’s possessiveness towards Tara. Willow knows beyond a doubt that Tara loves her, can believe it when she says,

‘I am, you know, yours’. She can also trust in her own love and knows she has something of value to offer. Though she has a territorial streak (e.g. with Dawn and the waitress) she doesn’t seek to own Tara. She may want to possess her body (and let’s face it, who wouldn’t!) but even then it’s more a case of Willow delighting in Tara.



' When Willow opened her eyes, she was greeted with the very exquisite sight of Tara’s breasts. And they’re mine, all mine! '



Nathan, on the other hand, cannot trust that Julia loves him or that his love is enough to keep her by his side. He believes he can only keep her if he restricts her freedom, makes her dependent on him, so that she is too afraid to leave. He tries to make her feel as bad about herself as he does about himself. Whereas Willow helps Tara to build her self esteem Nathan actively seeks to destroy Julia’s self esteem. He wishes to possess Julia but at the same time he believes she can never be his. However sad he was after Julia died (and we know from Donnie that Nathan took out the letter and cried) given the choice Nathan would still lie to her rather than risk losing her.



And he repeats this behaviour with Tara though in this case his ambivalence means he lets her go even though he later tries to bring her back home. After all these years Nathan is still unable to see beyond the circumstances of her birth. He cannot love Tara just for herself, so finds himself in an impossible position.



‘It breaks my heart to have you here and it breaks my heart to watch you leave.’



The sadness with which he told Tara she was never his little girl left me wondering if, because Quinn was her biological father, Nathan never felt she could be his, didn’t feel he could love her as a daughter even if he was the man who raised her. He clearly does care for her, even if some of that is because she reminds him of Julia. It seems such a waste, Tara is so caring and if he had treated her differently they could have built a close and loving relationship.



Okay time to go and leave you in peace….

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
' What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday,
and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow :
our life is the creation of our mind. ' from The Dhammapada

Edited by: miss calendar at: 3/17/03 5:08:31 pm

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hello, all. I'll be posting the next installment in just a few minutes. Thanks to everyone who has responded since my last post. I'll send individual replies as soon as this installment's up and ready.



Thanks again for your great support and thoughtfulness.



Mary

[AntigoneUnbound]

Gods Served and Abandoned

Disclaimers:
I’m borrowing these wonderful people because they deserve a better fate than the study in deterioration that has served as their original habitat for the last two years.

Spoilers:
Up to season 5. I’ve played slightly with the timing of a certain Big Bad’s appearance, with some implications for Dawn’s entrance.

Rating:
R for now; if it changes, I’ll give heads-up.

Distribution:
Sure, with acknowledgement.

Feedback:
Even more sure! Bring it on!


*****
Part 20:This update has a qualitatively different tone to it. I hope it works for you. I felt like a brief change of tone was warranted, but I'd like to know your thoughts on the subject.
*****


It was a quiet, contemplative group that climbed into the SUV and headed down the old country road. Willow, whose years on the Hellmouth hadn’t prepared her for such non-demonic carnage, found herself fighting back tears as she looked at Tara. Her beloved, so strong—so powerful—throughout the entire day, now looked exhausted and vulnerable.

Her whole world has just been ripped apart, and the two people she most needs to talk to are dead. How can she bear it?

She had watched Tara stand up to her father, and stand up to her brother. She had watched her learn horrific things about the woman she had idolized, the only person who had nurtured and protected her before she left home. She had watched her learn that the man she had called "Daddy" for so many years wasn’t, and then learn that her actual biological father was dead. And through it all, Tara had held on tight to Willow’s hand as she stepped unflinchingly into the innermost chamber of family secrets and betrayals.


It’s not fair. She’s already been through so much…too much…

As they pulled onto the highway that would lead them back to Sunnydale, Giles half-turned in his seat and asked, "Tara, do you want to talk about any of this? Or would you prefer some time to yourself?"

Willow felt a sudden squeeze on her fingers as Tara replied, "Actually, what I most want to do is to thank you all. I can’t even begin…" She shook her head slightly and continued. "I can’t even begin to tell you what it means to me—you coming with me like this, all of you. Taking time away from work, away from school…"

She gave Anya a little grin. "Away from the joys of capitalism."

Nodding, Anya said decisively, "Profit without principle is an insatiable temptress who corrupts the only possession that truly endures—the soul."

"Whoa," Xander broke in, staring at his girlfriend. "Who said that—Eleanor Roosevelt?"

"I did," Anya replied, tossing her head. "Just one of the many things you’d know about me if you asked me something besides, ‘Will you wear this and pretend to be a virgin?'"

After a moment of collective silence that was, Willow suspected, accompanied by some truly mind-bending visuals, Tara said diffidently, "So, uh, anyway—thanks, everybody."

"Yes," Giles exclaimed quickly. "Staggering though it is to imagine that this is the more comfortable conversation, I would like to echo Anya’s sentiments…er, the first sentiment, that is, not the second."

"I should hope so," Buffy commented dryly. "If Xander’s asking you to wear some flimsy little outfit, not to mention the whole ‘virgin’ thing—"

"If you finish that sentence, I will hurtle myself from the car in hopes that the resulting brain injury precludes my ever having to remember this moment."

"Guys," Dawn interjected, "we were asking about Tara, remember? The one who’s been through, like, five life-times of shock in one afternoon?"

Smiling gently at the girl beside her, Tara replied, "Actually, it feels sorta good to laugh again. The last few hours have felt like something out of a soap opera, without the requisite skimpy clothing and snifters of brandy."

"Really?" Willow asked gently. "I mean, I totally get it if you do; I just don’t want you to feel like you’ve used up your daily ration of kindness from others."

"She’s right," Xander said, nodding. "I know you’re not much for the spotlight, Tara, but you’ve got a long way to go before you have to turn in your room key at the Open Arms."

"Thanks, Xander," Tara answered softly. "It’s just—there’s just so much to take in, and think about…I think I sorta need to watch the high-light reel in my head again before I can really talk about it and try to make some peace with it all." Turning to Willow in the darkness, she gazed at her intently and pressed two fingers against Willow’s heart. Silently, she mouthed, "Later" to her partner.

Willow took Tara’s fingers into her grasp and lifted them to her lips, nodding a silent understanding. At the end of the day, any day, it’s always the two of us. As it should be.

"I hope that’s OK with everybody," Tara added a moment later. "I mean, you came all this way with me, and stood up for me—I hope it doesn’t feel like I’m tuning you out or anything. I’ll definitely be bending some ears in the near future."

"I can only speak for myself," Buffy replied, "but I’m definitely pissed. I mean, jeez, Tara—after the day you’ve had, you certainly owe it to us to share every single thought and feeling you have." Catching Tara’s eye in the rear-view mirror, she grinned. "No, I understand," she continued. "Sometimes the mental cacophony gets a little overwhelming."

"And sometimes I wonder how you can use ‘cacophony’ in one sentence and then infer when you should imply in the next," Dawn added, winking at Tara.

As Buffy pulled to a stop at a red light, Xander glanced out the window at the brightly-lit neon of the "Coastal Cowboy Bar ’n’ Grill," announcing happy hours every night from 5 till 7 and karaoke every Friday and Saturday starting at 9. "Hey Tara," he asked, "y’ever been in that fine-looking establishment?"

Grinning with something akin to genuine amusement, Tara replied, "As a matter of fact, I have. I used to hang out there sometimes, the summer after I graduated."

"You’re kidding!" Dawn exclaimed, leaning over Tara (and taking her time doing so, Willow noted) to get a better look at the place. "You hung out at a bar and grill?"

"Yeah," Tara nodded, as the light turned and Buffy pulled away.

"By yourself? Did you pick up women?" Dawn’s curiosity was growing.

"Actually, um, my friend Kerri and I went there a lot."

This oughtta take the attention off of her family…

"Kerri? Who is this Kerri person? And why haven’t we ever heard of her?" Xander inquired with feigned paternal disapproval.

"Kerri was this skanky ho-dyke that Tara cut her lesbian teeth on. So to speak," Willow added, frowning.

"Kerri was a very nice girl who was one of the few bearable people in this entire area," Tara corrected her gently.

"And just how exactly did you bear her?" Xander’s curiosity was running neck-and-neck with Dawn’s.

Willow fixed him with a warning glare as Tara replied, "I met her at the county library, in the Women’s History section. She had gone to a different high school. Anyway, she started talking to me and we became friends."

"Orgasm friends?" Anya asked quickly.

"No!" came the duet from Tara and Willow. "Like I said," Tara continued, "we hung out a few times over the summer, and yes, she plays for our team, but we were never a couple."

"But you fooled around some, right?" Xander asked, pulling ahead slightly in the Vicarious Titillation race that was picking up speed on California Route 132.

"There were some smoochies and, um, you know…mostly smoochies," she finished lamely. "Hardly on a level with costumes and counterfeit virginity," she added pointedly. "She went East for college; we e-mail every now and then." Willow knew all of this but was nonetheless intrigued to see where it had all taken place.

"And I’m guessing you did karaoke too, huh?" Buffy piped up from the front seat.

"Oh, right," Willow scoffed. "Tara used to get all gussied up and grab that microphone like—"

"Yeah, once or twice."

Willow felt her jaw bang off of the floorboard and hastily scooped it back up to her face. "You did? You never told me!" As Tara shrugged, she continued, "What did you sing?"

"Well, the first time, I did ‘Come to My Window,’ by Melissa Etheridge."

I would dial the numbers just to listen to your breath…

The image sucked all of the air from Willow's lungs.

"You’re serious, aren’t you?" Dawn asked incredulously. "How in the world did you end up doing that?"

"Well, I lost a bet the first time, and the second time, Kerri said she’d give me her entire collection of Out magazines if I did." Willow realized that Tara, though usually averse to being the center of attention, was relieved by the temporary suspension of high angst.

"So what did you sing the second time?" she asked.

"Um…You know, I’m not sure I remember," she hedged.

"Bullshit on a Kaiser bun," Willow rejoined promptly. "You never forget anything, so give."

"Oh, it was one of those ’80’s hits," Tara replied faintly. "You know, all overwrought and melodramatic…"

"And which was referred to on the radio as…?" Buffy persisted.

"Dyuthnkimseksy," Tara finally mumbled, after a long pause.

"What?" Anya prodded her. "You sang some Russian tune?"

Tara sighed. "I sang ‘Do You Think I’m Sexy?’"

The din in the car was terrific and sustained.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Xander whooped, practically leaping out of his seat onto Tara’s lap. "We’re talking ‘If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy’ here? Followed immediately by ‘If you really want me, just reach out and touch me’?"

"No," Tara retorted, "I sang the Mormon Tabernacle Choir version: ‘Do you think I’m sexy? No, because that would be wrong.’"

All further consideration of this revelation was interrupted as Buffy hit the brakes with her usual lack of subtlety and careened into a convenience store parking lot with a squeal of tires. Weaving through parked cars and around gas pumps, she barely paused at the edge of the parking lot before pulling back onto the road—heading north.

"Good Lord, Buffy," came Giles’ exasperated shout as he clutched the grip above his window. "What in God’s name are you doing?"

"Some things in life should never be passed up," the Slayer replied calmly. "Such things include free mochas, hot sex—you’re excused from that one, Dawn—and hearing one’s friends sing karaoke at out-of-the-way dives hours from home."

"You’re going back?" Willow asked, agape, as Dawn squealed with delight.

"That’s the plan," Buffy nodded with a grin. "Unless Tara doesn’t want to. She gets right of first—and only—refusal."

Willow watched in amazement as her beloved first stared at Buffy in disbelief, and then slowly broke into a wide grin.

"As long as I’m not the only one singing," she stipulated, laughing.

"Are you kidding? This group, pass up a chance to make a scene? No way!" Buffy was grinning wickedly.

"But Buffy, it’s already after nine," Giles pointed out with a sigh. "If we do this, we won’t get back home until the middle of the night."

"Good point," Buffy mused. As Giles began to settle back into his seat, she added, "Looks like we’ll have to stay. Tara—anything in the way of motels around here? Not too Norman Bates-ish?"

"Just a few miles up the road from the bar," came the quick reply. "We were almost there before you went slave to the rhythm and turned around."

"Great. It’s a Friday, so no school missed, and we’ll be back in the Dale of the Sun before noon."

Willow could scarcely believe what was unfolding before her, but as Tara turned to smile at her, she could see the first traces of relief and relaxation edging into her expression.

After the day she’s had, I’m not surprised she just wants to laugh for a little bit. And if this helps her do that, then I support its nomination and election.

Buffy tooled the car into the bumpy, pot-holed lot of the Coastal Cowboy and cut the engine. Soon, the group had settled around a long table toward the back and ordered drinks and munchies.

"What’s with the celery that comes with Buffalo wings?" Xander mused a few minutes later, biting into the latter and ignoring the former. "Does that make them healthy? ‘Here—these vegetable slices will negate the arteriosclerosis’?"

Steering a French fry through an immense pile of ketchup, Dawn said, "So let’s get with the singing, gang. I wanna hear this group rock the house!"

Willow turned to the Watcher, who was taking a long slug of draft beer. "G-Man, we’ve heard you sing. I think you’re the one to start this tune-fest."

Giles choked slightly on his beer and looked at her as if she had suggested he trade in his tweed for bib overalls and take up professional wrestling. "I most certainly shall not," he managed to reply haughtily. "Someone has to retain some sense of dignity."

"Oh come on, Giles," Anya complained. "You’ve got dignity out the ass. You could stand to eliminate some of it, if you get my drift."

"I’ll leave that to you," he maintained. "I shall enjoy my drink and pretend that I’m here as your guardian on a supervised trip from the group home."

"You could sing something British," Buffy cajoled. "You’d be quite the exotic attraction, right here in River City." She thought for a moment, brow furrowed. "I’ve got it!" she exclaimed. "How about ‘I’m Henry the 8th, I Am’?" Turning, she slammed her palms onto the table and exclaimed, "Second verse—"

"Same as the first!" Willow and Xander sang out in unison.

"Bloody idiot-savants," Giles mumbled into his frosted mug. "Save the world once a year like clock-work, but damned if I can take them out in public."

Sensing that this particular dog wouldn’t hunt, Willow turned her attention to the others. "OK, who’s gonna bite the big one? Ain’t gonna be me, for lots of reasons," she added.

"I’ll go," Anya said excitedly, clearly getting into the spirit of things. She tossed back the rest of her vodka tonic like so much 7-Up and started to push back her seat.

"Ahn, honey, you sure you’re up for this?" Xander asked with a worried expression.

"Of course, Xander," she smiled, looking at him quizzically. "Don’t you want to hear me sing?"

Ah, Xander, my friend—you know the question’s rhetorical, right?

"Of course," he said weakly, after a moment’s hesitation. Grabbing her arm as she headed toward the stage, he added pleadingly, "Sing something nice, OK Ahn? Something—something sweet, to show your love?"

Anya’s eyes grew moist. "Oh, Xander—you want me to serenade you! That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said. Of course I’ll sing something just for you."

"Something sweet," he attempted to clarify as she made her way toward the stage.

Moments later, following a hurried consultation of various options, she took the microphone and turned toward the group, her eyes seeking out her lover. Showing a surprisingly melodic voice, she began:


"I love myself, I want you to love me…


Stealing a glance at Xander, Willow saw a tiny smile of relief and affection nudging his lips.

He had, she realized, no idea what was coming.


When I’m feeling down, I want you above me…


She saw the smile waver just for a moment.


I search myself, I want you to find me;
I forget myself, I want you to remind me…


He was frowning slightly, as if trying to place the lyrics. Looking at the others, she saw that Tara and Buffy had already done so and were gaping first at the stage and then at each other, unable to believe their wondrous good fortune at hitting the mortification mother lode on the very first strike.


I don’t want anybody else,
When I think about you I touch myself.


The bar erupted into wild applause and whistles as Giles spat out a mouthful of beer. Xander just stared at his girlfriend. "Words all gone. Xander no have words."

He simply shook his head as a greatly enthusiastic Anya sang, "I get down on my knees, I’d do anything for you." Moments later, she left the stage to great applause and skipped back over to the table.

"Did I surprise you, Xander?" she asked, breathless with excitement.

Xander managed an affectionate smile and took her hand. "Though it should be a complete impossibility by now, yes, Ahn, you did." He kissed her, to the appreciative cheers of their fellow patrons.

"Hey Tara," Dawn exclaimed, "you’re the pro at this scene. Isn’t it about time for you to head up there and work a little down-home magic? No pun intended," she added.

Oh yes…Yes, it’s definitely time for her to work her magic.

Tara looked around uncertainly. "What should I sing? And no, Xander, I’m not taking a stroll down musical memory lane, so just put that idea out of your head." Turning to Willow, she explained, "I’d really like to sing you a love song, Sweetie; on the other hand, it’s been a long day and I don’t know that I’m up for an old-fashioned gay-bashing."

Buffy looked up from her potato skin. "Tara, are you really worried about that?"

"Well, it's crossed my mind," she answered reluctantly.

"And you think that I’d—what—just sit back and watch? If you wanna sing something to your girl, this is the place to do it. I got your back."

"And I got your front," Dawn piped up eagerly, only to look down quickly when she caught Willow’s raised eyebrows.

"How about something stylish and classy?" she asked Willow, running her fingers lightly over Willow’s cheek.

"You could sing the alphabet song to me and I’d throw my room key and underwear up on the stage," Willow replied helplessly, feeling her heart do that funny flipping thing it so often did when Tara looked at her like that.

Nodding, Tara looked back at the stage and took a final gulp of soda. "Wish me luck," she murmured, standing to make her way toward the stage. Without hesitation, she chose her song and then turned to take the microphone. As the last bars of the opening died away, she looked over at Willow and winked.


Chances are, ’cause I wear a silly grin,
The moment you come into view,
Chances are you think that I’m in love with you…


Willow felt her heart begin to squeeze almost painfully as Tara’s sweet voice floated over the noisy crowd and lazily brushed against her cheek. It seemed almost impossible that this beautiful woman was singing to her.


In the magic of moonlight, when I sigh, "Hold me close, dear,"
Chances are you believe the stars that fill the skies are in my eyes…


She caught the surprised expressions on her friends’ faces and realized that they had never heard Tara sing before.
Listen to her…Isn’t she beautiful?


Guess you feel you’ll always be,
The one and only one for me,
And if you think you could…
Well, chances are your chances are awfully good…


Willow knew she was crying and didn’t care.


Well, chances are your chances are awfully good.


Somewhere during the song, the bar patrons had recognized that Tara’s voice had more going for it than just enthusiasm, and the more sentimental of them found themselves nodding at the time-burnished lyrics. A few people shook her hand and smiled at her as she returned to the table. Taking her seat, she entwined her fingers with Willow’s and leaned forward to kiss her.

If we get killed, we go out in style—serenaded and stuffed with chicken wings and cheese fries.

As it turned out, however, the audience had focused its attention back onto the stage as a slightly bow-legged man with dark blond hair and a loud shirt took the microphone and proceeded to do irreparable damage to Frank Sinatra’s "My Way."

"Wow," Buffy marveled. "His way really sucks." Turning back to Tara, she said, "You have a great set of pipes there, girl! Why didn’t you tell us you could sing?"

Tara blushed and looked down, as Dawn gazed at her in almost slack-jawed adoration. It’s official: Key or no Key, I have to take that girl out of commission.

As Tara continued to reap more praise, the man on stage finally stopped doing it his way and reluctantly left the stage. Dawn abruptly stood up and announced, "OK, I think the time has come." So saying, and much to Buffy’s profound chagrin, she pushed away from the table and made her way quickly to the stage. Like Tara, she seemed to know exactly what she was looking for.

As she clutched the mike nervously, she looked back at the table and grinned—a huge, goofy, "Can you believe I’m doing this?" kind of adolescent grin. Suddenly, the unmistakable notes bounced forth from the amps and heads started bobbing of their own accord.


We are family,
I got all my sisters with me…


Looking quickly at Buffy, Willow saw her best friend’s eyes widen in surprise. A not-quite-sad smile slowly made its way across her face.


Everyone can see we’re together,
As we walk on by…


Feeling the tell-tale pricking at her own eyes, Willow saw Giles rest his hand gently on Buffy’s back for the briefest of seconds. Everyone at the table exchanged quick glances, before Tara suddenly joined her voice to Dawn’s as she came to the chorus.


We are family,
I got all my sisters with me.
We are family,
Get u everybody and sing…


Willow knew that Dawn had heard Tara’s voice above the noise of the bar. She looked back and beamed at the blond woman who was smiling at her encouragingly.


Livin’ life is fun and we’ve just begun
To get our share of this world’s delights…


Willow wanted a "Pause" button just for this moment, because she knew that before long, Dawn wouldn’t be able to sing this song with such unthinking enthusiasm. Before long, the real world would call each of them and demand their undivided attention.


No, we don’t get depressed,
Here’s what we call our Golden Rule…


She tried desperately to take a snapshot of the moment.


Have faith in you and the things you do,
You won’t go wrong—oh no—this is our family jewel…


And then they were all singing, joining Dawn for the chorus…


We are family,
I got all my sisters with me…


And because it just seemed ridiculous not to, Willow stood and grabbed Tara’s hand, pulling her to her feet; and Willow had awful rhythm, she knew—


Come on everybody and sing…


—but it didn’t really matter, she realized; what mattered was that they were all there, on this wild night after this wild day, and they could sing a song like "We Are Family" and mean it, in the very best sense of the word—


I got all my sisters with me…


—and Buffy was dancing and beaming at Dawn, and Xander and Anya were twitching and writhing in their own inimitable way, and now even Giles was grinning like a fool and if she didn’t know better she’d swear she saw him mouthing the words—


We are family…


—and she knew that it couldn’t last forever but that only made it that much sweeter.

Beside her, hands clasped tightly in her own, Tara smiled at her through glistening eyes and Willow knew she was thinking the same thing.

*****


To Be Continued



Edited by: AntigoneUnbound at: 3/18/03 10:45:23 pm

[The Rose24]

AU,



I LOVE this update. It is good Tara is able to release some tension and stop thinking of the events that happened earlier for a little while.



I find Dawn's crush on Tara kind of disturbing though. Tara and Dawn have sort of a mother-daughter bond.

Tara: My heart doesn't stutter.


Tara: Willow, I got so lost.

Willow: I found you. I will always find you.

Edited by: The Rose24  at: 3/18/03 10:50:40 pm

[WiccansIllusion]

That was really awesome. I'm glad your not ending it there even if it felt like it could be.



But yeah, go Tara.

oh i am a lonely painter, i live in a box of paints

i'm frightened by the devil and i'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid. i remember that time you told me

"love is touching souls" surely you touched mine 'cause part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time-Joni Mitchell 'A case of You'



“Oh yeah,” Tara sighed in Willow’s ear. “I’m your bitch. I’m your girl. I’m your everything,” she panted. “Don’t you ever fucking forget it."- CN Winters

[Washi]

Yet another great chapter Mary.

Not the angst filled ones I usually lust for, but good nevertheless. Them singing . I'm completely in love with Amber's singing voice, so you definitely scored some high points there.

I'm itching to read the next update, which will hopefully have some smoochies and lots of talking. I'll be waiting.

[BFR from Paris]

That means I liked the update



Oh, and this is too cute :



Christine

[Grimlock72]

Oh it's most definitly a GOOD thing that Tara got to have some non-angsty happyness. Lord knows the girl needs it



Had to smile at Anya's song, it is something she would have chosen yes. She probably didn't even lie singing it, heh.



I don't recall reading about the Kerri story before. That could be because this is a looong story and all the Donnie/Nathan stuff has kinda used up most of my memory . Which is another good reason for a happy chapter, can't have a life based on only angst.



I'm beginning to get slightly worried about Dawnie and her crush on Tara. Not much good can come from it, the later it's dealt with the worse it will be I think. Dawn might also be isolating herself from school-friends due to her crush on Tara, which would not be good for her. The crush itself was a funny detail at the start but Dawnie can't remain stuck like that forever.



(hmmm... hopefully that got my point across)



Another bonus from the detour is that they'll get to sleep in a room outside Sunnydale. Less danger around to be scared of. All of them need a good nights sleep thats for sure. I wonder if they'll get it....



Grimmy

"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[Sela]

I believe that there always needs to be balance in a story. If something is entirely dramatic, then it becomes quite a chore to read. I prefer to have both heavy and lighthearted moments because that mirrors the way I live my life and the way, I think, most people live their own lives. It's never "just" this or "just" that. It's a blend of so many different elements. In this part, the fun, the lightheartedness, and most of all, the love, really shines through, and that serves to even out the rest of the story, which has been so magnificently dramatic and intricately crafted.



I love that you chose karaoke to be the backdrop for this part. I've read stories where this has been done, but not nearly as effective as you do it here. When your characters sing, it's a direct reflection of who they are. Anya, singing her less-than-subtle and sexually-charged "I Touch Myself" rendition is so in keeping with her character because she is all of those things, and unabashedly so. When Tara sings "Chances Are," it reflects her old soul, her romantic nature, and ultimately her purity, despite the horrors she's had to live through. And finally, when Dawn sings "We Are Family" it's because she is this kid who only wants approval, only wants to be accepted and loved by this group of rag-tag demon fighters. She believes in this little family and she's proud, despite her tendency for melodrama and her typical teenage angst, of her place in that family. I was especially touched by the outpouring of support the entire Scooby Gang bestowed upon Buffy when Dawn began to sing that song. They were all small gestures--soothing hands on her back, comforting smiles, little touches--but they were gargantuan in meaning.



I also like that while Willow and Tara were at the crux of the piece, they weren't necessarily the focus. It became a group portrait again, with all of these crazy family members contributing in their own unique ways to the canvas. Loud, at times boisterous, but never overbearing--this family is amazingly sound, like a sturdy historic building in the middle of town, with all kinds of offices that are occupied by different departments with different functions, but that come together to make a whole. That's what this family does. This is how it operates and this is how it succeeds--the foundation is unshakeable.



I just can't help but marvel at the way you make these characters MORE than what they ever were on the T.V. screen. The humor is so spot-on, the exchanges are brilliant. I found myself laughing out loud in several sections. But this work is so much more than just one little thing or another. When I read this story, I actually feel smarter for having done so. Your ability to combine genuine emotion with a thoughtful plot, precise characterizations, and interesting dialogue makes for a really great story. Not just a good one--a great one. It keeps me coming back and ultimately, it makes me a genuine fan of yours. Thanks.



--Sela

[Grimaldi]

great update



very funny, i liked the break from the angst. i hope that Tara talks to Dawn about the crush she has soon.

You can't just go declaring shenanigans on innocent people, that's how wars get started!
I'm not stealing, I'm just taking things without paying for them. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?