Gods Served and Abandoned

[Puff]

What a wonderful update Mary, it was really nice to have a respite from all of the tension and I really liked the singing. I know that there will be a lot for Tara to talk about in the future but it was great for the scoobies just to kick back and relax. Anya's song was frickin' hilarious and I almost lost my cup of tea Thank you for the update, looking forward to the motel.

---

Grapes. Because who can get a melon in their mouth?

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-



Thank you Mary, you were the high point of my night. I spent my twenty minute lunch hour (don't ask) reading your update and smiling at the images and songs.



Thank you,



Jixer

[barnabasvamp]

A change of tone is always good. Sort of similar to RL in that sometimes you just need to do something different to lighten things up.



And the songs! Could just hear each one in my head!

Great update!

BV

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before"-Mae West

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hey Kittens—Here are my responses to the last batch of feedback from Part 19. You are, indeed, the wind beneath my wings…



Russ: Welcome to non-lurker mode! It’s great to "meet" you. Thank you so much for the kind words re: characterizations. They’re so important to me, and it’s very helpful to hear that they ring true to you. You’ve picked up on one of my favorite life themes: nobody’s one-dimensional or black-and-white. One of my favorite quotes, from an ancient Jewish philosopher is, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." It’s true, I believe, and these folks—all of them—are fighting their own great battles. I’m glad you like the Scoobies, Russ—I really enjoy writing them. It seems like their unity and supportiveness have struck a chord for lots of Kittens, after their descent into self-absorption and snivelling of late. Thanks for posting your reactions; I really appreciate it.



Washi: You know, after I wrote "Zeut," I had a bad feeling about it. Actually thought about it on the 3+ hour drive I took last weekend, which suggests that I’m anal-retentive about such things. Yes, the tightness of the group is an essential ingredient to this story. I hated the way they all (except Tara and, to some extent, Willow) just deteriorated into these self-absorbed snots in a season and a half. You’re right—Xander is a logical choice for "big brother" of sorts to Tara, considering his own family dysfunction. Thanks for your careful reading of this, Washi, and for the ongoing French lessons!



Tulipp: No need to apologize, Tulipp. Sounds like you’re crazy busy these days. I concur w/ your assessment of Tara’s organicity versus Beth’s: the former changes and grows, while the latter lets herself see only the choice of chicken versus pot roast. There’s an Irish saying to the effect that the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know, and Beth believes this to her core, I think. Thanks for taking the time to write, Tulipp, and I hope your work load abates sometime soon.



Grimmy: Ah, the story makes you think. I have accomplished my evil goal! (Insert diabolical laughter here.) It’s interesting to read your observations re: Donnie’s character development and the varying levels of compassion one might have for him as a character based on what we know or don’t know about him at a given point in time. Yes, there are many discussions left to be had in the Maclay household, and one wonders if they’ll ever occur. Thanks for giving this such great thought and consideration, Grimmy. Hope your weekend was a great one.



Puff: It definitely felt important for Tara to have the support of the Scoobies even as she ultimately realizes the extent of her own strength and acts as her own advocate. Yes, I feel sad for Beth, too. She’s not exactly likable, but she tweaks something in me, some little room of compassion for someone who restricts her life so severely (even in such tumultuous moments) in her over-riding desire for stability and a home. Thanks for writing, Puff.



Vicki, You Res Incomparable! (Yes, I know that’s not really a legal term…) How’s Spring Break going? Are you able to relax? Hope you’re having a great time. You know, the rock held me up for a long time, b/c I frankly didn’t know what it was. (Mary blushed as she typed.) I’m glad it worked out OK. You have Nathan down (and frankly, I’m worried for you about that—you should let him up) in your assessment that he held Julia close to him to have some measure of her light…the light that he ultimately dimmed and never really enjoyed anyway. And Donnie, on the receiving end of Tara’s spell…I knew that I wanted her to act on her own behalf, but it felt utterly imperative that the spell have an emotional core and repercussion. And so Donnie finally realizes, first-hand, what he has inflicted. I like your analysis of Beth as understudy—she wants so desperately to have her moment on the stage that she chooses to ignore the fact that the stage has huge, gaping holes in its floor and virtually no lighting. What will the Maclays do from here? Good question, Vicki. As soon as I figure it out, I’ll let you know! Thanks, as always, for your incredible feedback, girl. Enjoy your time away and if you’ve gone anywhere for break, keep a close eye on those briefs!



Nora, Nora, Bella Senora! (OK, I know you may not be a senora and for all I know, "bella" is the wrong adjective, but it’s the thought that counts or at least that’s what we tell ourselves when we know our product is lacking.) Congratulations on the A+, girl! That’s great. I know you’ve put huge, teeming masses of work into school lately, and I’m glad it paid off so well for you! And to write at 5:52 AM, hung-over and about to hop a plane…I don’t think I’ve ever felt as touched by anything in my life, which tells you just how sad I am…You’re right in my tendency to look at the guilt of the older generation as creating myriad and often hidden debts for the next. The amazing thing to me about that is that it can work retroactively in perpetuity: Nathan has hurt his children; his mother may well have hurt him, if she lied about the demon. Who knows what happened to her? Who committed the original sin? Thanks for sending in such thoughtful feedback even under such compromised conditions, Nora! I hope your break is a fantastic one and that you get some much-deserved R&R.



Miss Calendar: Once again, your eloquence and insight are simply remarkable. I loved your comment about speech being your second language. If I might ask, are you a vocalist or an instrumentalist? Oh, and I grinned a most delighted grin when I read of your early ambition to be "a dog or a firefighter." Just wonderful!



Your point is an excellent one re: Nathan’s misdeeds: he never takes responsibility. For me, that becomes possibly the only unforgivable crime: to refuse to admit that we have committed any crime. I’m glad you found the rock explanation to be satisfying and credible. As I mentioned rather embarrassedly to Ruth earlier, I basically threw the rock in the box w/o having any idea what it actually meant. For several updates, the margins of my notes were littered with the question "What’s up with the fucking rock?" I decided upon its history literally as I was typing Tara heading back to the car to return to SD. And the relief I felt…It struck me as so unimaginably sad that Nathan was unable to see the abstract, creative picture w/in the rock (a gift his father clearly wanted to give him) AND that he had both kept it and kept it hidden for all those years. I nodded as I read your question as to whether Nathan ever takes it out to look at it or if he still keeps it in the dark, much as he did Julia, despite the fact that he was drawn to her for the very fact of her lightness. His level of self-hatred is compelling, I think, and ultimately drags down not only himself but also those he professes to love. You know, as I read your comments, I thought of a line from Maya Angelou’s inauguration poem for Bill Clinton: "History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived; but if faced with courage, need not be lived again." It’s a lesson Nathan has never learned. And you’re right: despite Beth’s assessment, Nathan is out of control, due in part to his very definition of the word.



Thanks, Miss Calendar, for this amazing feedback. I hope you can tell how much I appreciate it.



Next up: Responses to Part 20 feedback.

Mary

[darkmagicwillow]

I thought you pulled off the change in tone perfectly. I was laughing aloud during this part, and the songs were well chosen. However, I can't view the gang spending the night outside Sunnydale with as much equanimity as Grimmy because I think they're still much too close to Tara's family and that's what this story is about. Beth and Donnie both still worry me, and I don't think Tara's seen the last of either of them. That would be the quick resolution though, and while I still worry, I feel that you're setting us up for the long resolution as you've brought up the idea of family with respect to Dawn again, bringing us back into season 5. I look forward to seeing how it turns out, whichever way you choose to go.

--

"Omnia mutantur, nihil interit." -- "Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost."

[AntigoneUnbound]

Bonjour! Thanks for the great feedback, folks! I'm glad to learn that the change of tone and the humor didn't yank people around or feel artificial and unrealistic. If it DID strike anyone that way, I'd definitely want to know it.



A quick assurance: I won't have anything "angsty" evolve re: Dawn's crush on Tara. It's definitely a diversion, one meant to highlight the difficulty Tara has imagining herself as the object of affection. I'm also drawing on my own memories of that age and the budding realization that I sure did...respect, and admire certain young women who were 4-5 years older than me.



Thanks again for the kind words, everyone.



Rose: And again, first under the wire! I'm glad you enjoyed the angst respite. It felt important to release the tension, as you noted. Thanks!



WiccansIllusion: What a great name...No, I'm not ending it just yet; still a little more to explore. Thanks for sending in the good thoughts.



Washi: Ah, so you're an angst afficionado, eh? I also love Amber's voice, so any chance to imagine/write her using it was enjoyable to me. Smoochies and talking? You got it! Thanks, Washi, for following this and sending in the kind thoughts.



BFRdeParis: (Is that right?) What a cute kitten emoticon! Glad you liked the update! Thanks for writing.



Grimmy: Yeah, I needed some non-angst myself; I was sort of afraid I might be misusing the update to reflect my need, not what the characters might wish. I had the most fun imagining what Anya might sing. As Sela pointed out, it really does reflect her style and substance. And of course, looking up the lyrics was a hoot, just typing in the words "I Touch Myself" and wondering what in the goddess' name might emerge on my screen...The Kerri history has never been mentioned. It just emerged as a part of this update, primarily to serve as a means of (a) illuminating Tara's history and (b) prompting a visit to the bar. Thanks for following the story, Grimmy, and for making such careful observations. Have great one!



Sela: You realize, of course, that I just light up when I see your name on the thread...not b/c you say such kind things (though I certainly enjoy that!) but b/c you're so thoughtful and observant, to the point that if you had something critical to say I would definitely want to hear it and consider it well. Balance--I need it, you need it, we all need it. As you note, it's how we live our lives. I had a great time imagining what these people might want to sing, and Anya simply tickled me. (See my comments to Grimlock, above). Anya is unabashed, and her song, though salacious and hardly subtle, does reflect her love for Xander. I love your observation re: Tara's choice of song: she is an old soul, isn't she, and thus would lean toward one of the classics. Dawn, singing "We Are Family," was probably the most moving one for me to write, simply b/c there's so much going on behind those words for her as well as for Tara. I felt this sort of gathering force, this accumulating defiant joy as the song progressed and the impact of the day (as well as Dawn's Key status) sank in on everyone. I smiled as I read your description of her desire to be accepted by this band of "rag-tag demon fighters." I also tip my hat for one of the best descriptions of the Scoobies that I've ever encountered: "a sturdy, historic building in the middle of town, with all kinds of offices that are occupied by different departments with different functions, but that come together to make a whole." That was just remarkably apt. I'm so glad you like the humor, Sela; it's one of my favorite parts to write. A genuine fan? You are very, very kind, and I am very, very grateful.



Grimaldi: Yeah, the break felt good for lots of people, it seemed, myself very much included. Thanks for writing!



Puff: I think people needed the respite more than we perhaps realized; as Sela pointed out, it's how we live our lives. Glad you enjoyed the singing! Thanks for sending in the good thoughts.



Jixer: Oh, but I have to ask: a 20-minute lunch break, at night? I can only imagine...Hope work's going well for you, in any case. Glad I could bring a smile to your face, Jixer. Thanks for your feedback and encouragement.



BV: I like your comparison to real life: yes, we do need our breaks, don't we? Thanks for writing, BV.



OK--that's all for now. Thanks again for the feedback, Kittens.



Mary

[Patches]

Mary, still Queen of Scot(tissues), for those tender and hilarious moments, when a simple Kleenex just won’t cut it. As the saying goes, (Mary, Queen of) Scotties soften the blow.



Your timing for this respite is perfect. Both the characters and the readers did need a bit of a break from the emotional tight-rope they/we’ve been walking. Like the diner scene, the humour gives us a bit of a chance to focus on the characters, only this time it is a defection of the angst instead of a mirror for it. What I found so delightful with this update, is that you did not use it as ‘filler.’ I’ve read a good many books (once I again I will tell you, not nearly as well written as yours) where the ‘break’ is forced or contrived, as if the author were following a formula – insert tension-breaker.



Your skills as a writer shine through here. You strike a good balance between what is necessary and what is practical. Necessity dictates that Tara needs to deal with the emotional fallout from the day’s events. Practically, it doesn’t need to happen right away. ”Willow took Tara’s fingers into her grasp and lifted them to her lips, nodding a silent understanding. At the end of the day, any day, it’s always the two of us. As it should be.” I liked this silent exchange. It really resonated with me.



The Karaoke scene is well timed and well placed (and, as always, superbly written). The bar really is a getaway, in both the physical and emotional sense and you set it up well. Buffy the rally car driver’s exploits are great, and Giles hanging on to the ‘Oh Shit!’ bar over the door was wonderful. The battle between Xander and Dawn for details of Tara’s past ‘love affair’ was priceless, as was Willow’s little jealous reaction.



The songs you chose are simply wonderful! They define the characters so well. I can see Giles as Henry VIII, though more in the sense of the strong leader of the historical man, rather than the satirical Herman’s Hermits rendition. OMG, did I laugh at Anya’s song – that was brilliant. Though, oh poor Dawn, is she gonna have some issues of her own to deal with soon. I trust you will find a way to let her down easy. The ‘hey kid you’re cute, but I’m not interested speech’ isn’t going to be easy. I know you’re writing this on the fly, but it seems to me you may have written yourself into a bit of an emotional corner with Dawn. Perhaps she’s too infatuated with Tara? With everything else that’s going on, the comic relief provided by Dawn’s fawning might have built some unintentional implications in the story. Dunno, just an observation. So, I’m very interested to see how you deal with this little, albeit challenging, side bar to the story.



“We Are Family” is such a wonderful tribute to the running theme of the story. And, oh, the sweet irony of having Dawn be the one to sing it.



I notice that you did not abandon all thoughts of reality. I believe this is what makes you such a good writer. With so much going on with Tara, it’s easy to loose sight of the larger setting for the story, and the roles they will have to play. Willow’s subtle reminder of the impending apocalypse, and her need to commit, like a snap shot, this moment of happiness to her memory was very touching. It was a fun (and touching read), but I’m left with the sense that there’s more to come.



So, when’s the next bit???? Waiting not very patiently.



Cheers!!

Patches





ETA: Mary, just read your responses. You were posting while I was writing, so I didn’t see what you had to say about Dawn and Tara. I can see where you’re coming from with this, but it didn’t translate this way in the story (at least not to me). The way I’ve read it, Dawn is absolutely ‘ga-ga’ over Tara and it really does feel more like more than you intended. You don’t have to deal with this issue, of course. There’s so much else going on (all over the place), but you did put the proverbial gun over the fireplace in act one. It’s kind of like an unintentional little flaw, which over time has (also unintentionally) magnified into something a little larger. As I said, dunno just an observation and my humble opinion.

You know I've heard about people like me. But I never made the connection. They walk one road to set them free, And find they've gone the wrong direction. But there's no need for turning back 'cause all roads lead to where I stand. And I believe I'll walk them all No matter what I may have planned

Edited by: Patches at: 3/19/03 5:17:23 pm

[Cindy Lou Who]

Oh Mary:



For me this was an engagingly witty and joyful respite from a series of chapters that were essential but unrelenting in their "high angst." There is a priceless nugget in virtually every paragraph. In short - I looooooved it.



The Karaoke made me cry and whoop most definitely! (And how can I not hear echoes of Mathis on "Chances Are?" I am my mother's daughter after all.)"



And these for all time

Quote:

---

Nodding, Anya said decisively, "Profit without principle is an insatiable temptress who corrupts the only possession that truly endures—the soul."

---

Where was Anya/Mary when our CEO's were playing footsie with the economy I'd like to ask!

Quote:

---

"And sometimes I wonder how you can use ‘cacophony’ in one sentence and then infer when you should imply in the next," Dawn added, winking at Tara.

---

I can't help but infer that you are implying that Buffy sometimes 'channels' eloquence to everyone's amazement. This doesn't surprise me as Buffy-no doubt inured by her many Hellmouth trials - has become inured to the scholarly influences of Willow and Giles. But perhaps yours is an altogether different allusion - and mine a mere illusion.



Needless to say I'm most affected by your effective style.



Do I sanction all this wordplay? Why...only you can say.



If you made me laugh more I'd be hospitalized (without insurance so don't do it!)...Suse

p.s Okay okay just one more

Quote:

---

"No," Tara retorted, "I sang the Mormon Tabernacle Choir version: ‘Do you think I’m sexy? No, because that would be wrong.’"

---

You got an ol' Utahhhr gal right were she used to live... S.

Edited by: Cindy Lou Who at: 3/20/03 2:39:50 am

[Washi]

YAY! I'm gonna get smoochies and talking! Wait, are we still talking about the fic here?

Anyways, you shouldn't be thanking me for reading this. I should be thanking you for writing it. I'm totally in love with this fic. More please, soon!

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hey Kittens: As always, I love seeing the various reactions to this story. You all rock in so many untold ways.



I'll be updating on Tuesday, since I'm gone this week-end.



DMW: Glad you enjoyed the humor and the change of pace. I certainly enjoyed writing it, especially picking out the songs for each person. Though Giles/ASH has an incredible voice, I just really couldn't see him doing karaoke, so I gave him a pass. Ah, the quick resolution or the prolonged one...I hope you like where I take it from here. Thanks again for reading and sending in your thoughts.



Patches, Good Devotee of the Muse! You're so kind in your feedback, Patches. I'm so glad that the change of pace felt credible and well-timed to you, as opposed to forced or unbelievable. As I've mentioned before, choosing the songs was just incredibly delightful, as I considered each person's psyche and style. You're right--I didn't want it to be devoid of meaning, or relevance to the greater whole. That's why I ended w/ Dawn's song, b/c I figured that when Tara sang, Willow would be focused exclusively on her reaction to that, and I wanted a closing scene that served as a kind of uniting for the entire group and as a reminder of what awaits them back in SD. And Dawn...whatever shall I do w/ her crush? Isn't it obvious, Patches--Dawn, upon hearing that her feelings are both obvious and unrequited, will join a convent...where she can meet lots of other lesbians. Thanks for the incredibly kind and supportive words, Patches. It's always a treat to read your very astute observations.



CindyLouWho, I'm Delighted by You! Ah, a wordsmith! I grow faint with joy and admiration...You inferred quite correctly, of course; it was no mere illusion. I'm so glad that I effected the desired response! So--you're a Ute! Been gone long? I don't know if you write anything yourself, but I'd love to read it if you do. (Note that I'm not content w/ implying or alluding that you would be an effective writer; I needs must say it explicitly.) I really am quite glad that you enjoyed this update. It was immense fun to write. Thanks for reading this story, Sue, and as a fellow non-insured Kitten, rest assured that I won't provoke injury; I can ensure that insurance will be unnecessary. Thanks!



Washi: Ah, you little Gallic tart, you...Yes, I promise that our girls will deliver smoochies and meaningful talk to your doorstep. (Or did you want the smoochies to come from Giles and Xander, as they discover their dormant sexual attraction to each other? I can write either scene; just let me know.) Thanks for your wonderful support and encouragement, Washi!



Thanks again, everyone.

Mary

[Washi]

Quote:

---

Washi: Ah, you little Gallic tart, you...Yes, I promise that our girls will deliver smoochies and meaningful talk to your doorstep. (Or did you want the smoochies to come from Giles and Xander, as they discover their dormant sexual attraction to each other? I can write either scene; just let me know.) Thanks for your wonderful support and encouragement, Washi!

---

Ok, first of all, I live in France, but I'm not French. I'm Tunisian.

And, as for the smoochies, I better get some W/T and not X/G because that's just eww.

And stop thanking me.

I can't wait for tuesday.

[AntigoneUnbound]

Washi: Correction duly noted; sorry about the assumption! No X/G? Damn; I was half-way through a sentence that started with "Giles felt his manhood throbbing as--" Guess I'll just scratch that.



Stop thanking you? But I'm so inveterately polite; it's what we Midwesterners do! I will, however, try to respect your wishes and thus all my messages henceforth will close with the line "Bite me." It'll be a stretch, though...



I don't use emoticons (nothing philosphical, just a style difference) but please imagine me smiling affectionately as I write this. (But I ain't thanking you!)



Take care,

Mary

[Washi]

Quote:

---

Washi: Correction duly noted; sorry about the assumption! No X/G? Damn; I was half-way through a sentence that started with "Giles felt his manhood throbbing as--" Guess I'll just scratch that.

---

Okay, Mary, that was just unpleasant.

And, as for the thanking part, I like the smiles better. Ok, I'm starting to flirt now.

Update soon, right? I'll be waiting.

I'm addicted to smileys.

[hush30]

Hi Mary,



I enjoyed the update and boy did they all need that little tension reliever. It was soooo romantic having Tara sing to Willow at the Karaoke bar. I actually can't imagine anything more romantic than having the girl you are in love with sing a love song to you, hence OMWF being my absolute favourite episode.



Reality will hit again soon though but at least they all got a few hours peace. Thanks Mary and looking forward to reading how they all handle the aftermath of the last few day's revelations. Oh and I just love the support the scoobies are showing.



Nan

"I think this line's mostly filler" - Willow in OMWF

"Not really much for the timber" - Tara

[miss calendar]

Hi Mary,



And of course you may ask......I’m an instrumentalist, a viola player. (though when no-one is about I sometimes mess about on the piano, occasionally the violin.)



Well I loved the latest update. Like everyone else I thought the change of tone worked very well; Tara wasn’t the only one to appreciate a chance to laugh again after all the recent angst. It’s always a pleasure seeing you writing the Scooby gang, you have each character, their style of speech and their typical verbal/emotional interactions down so well. The dialogue as always was very funny but beneath all the banter and teasing the love these characters have for each other shone through. You write them really well individually and are superb at writing them as an ensemble. So much wonderful dialogue but I think my favourite exchange was:



Nodding, Anya said decisively, "Profit without principle is an insatiable temptress who corrupts the only possession that truly endures—the soul."



"Whoa," Xander broke in, staring at his girlfriend. "Who said that—Eleanor Roosevelt?"



"I did," Anya replied, tossing her head. "Just one of the many things you’d know about me if you asked me something besides, ‘Will you wear this and pretend to be a virgin?'"



After a moment of collective silence that was, Willow suspected, accompanied by some truly mind-bending visuals, Tara said diffidently, "So, uh, anyway—thanks, everybody."



"Yes," Giles exclaimed quickly. "Staggering though it is to imagine that this is the more comfortable conversation, I would like to echo Anya’s sentiments…er, the first sentiment, that is, not the second."



"I should hope so," Buffy commented dryly. "If Xander’s asking you to wear some flimsy little outfit, not to mention the whole ‘virgin’ thing—"



"If you finish that sentence, I will hurtle myself from the car in hopes that the resulting brain injury precludes my ever having to remember this moment."



I especially loved Buffy and Giles contributions and, let’s face it, who but Giles would ever say, ‘precludes’ in casual conversation!



I also adored:



"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Xander whooped, practically leaping out of his seat onto Tara’s lap. "We’re talking ‘If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy’ here? Followed immediately by ‘If you really want me, just reach out and touch me’?"



"No," Tara retorted, "I sang the Mormon Tabernacle Choir version: ‘Do you think I’m sexy? No, because that would be wrong.’"





Some other things I liked…..



Tara silently mouthing ‘Later’ to Willow (reminded me of the silent ‘I love you’ in The Body.)



Willow scoffing at the idea of Tara doing karaoke and her shocked disbelief when Tara admitted she had.



Buffy unilaterally deciding the opportunity to hear one’s friends sing karaoke at out-of-the-way dives hours from home was too good to pass up (while giving Tara the right to veto).



Tara showing a bit of an edge in her responses to Xander, as in the Mormon Tabernacle comment and



"There were some smoochies and, um, you know…mostly smoochies," she finished lamely. "Hardly on a level with costumes and counterfeit virginity," she added pointedly.



Anya asking Tara if she and Kerri had been ‘orgasm friends’ - it was so outrageous and so Anya.







I liked the way you just brought Kerri into the conversation without any back story – as readers we were just like the Scoobies, eager to know more. (And it made sense that Tara would have talked about her to Willow who clearly wasn’t too thrilled.) I loved Willow’s description, ‘Kerri was this skanky ho-dyke that Tara cut her lesbian teeth on, so to speak’ and the way Tara gently corrected her, ‘Kerri was a very nice girl who was one of the few bearable people in this entire area.’

It was good to know that Tara did at least briefly have a supportive, lesbian friend that she could hang out with and have some fun with even in Cold Springs. And how lucky was Kerri, seeing Tara perform ‘Do you think I’m sexy?’



I also liked Tara’s sensible caution about singing a love song to Willow, knowing it could lead to ‘an old fashioned gay bashing.’ They may be accustomed to fighting vampires and demons but in some ways the Scoobies have led quite protected lives where they have never needed to consider something like this.



I am still enjoying Dawn’s crush on Tara (and Willow’s response to it.)

Yes, she’s got it bad (and that ain’t good…..) but isn’t that the nature of crushes. I suppose the biggest danger is that because Tara is such a lovely person it will be hard for Dawn to outgrow this crush in the way she did her crushes on Xander and Spike. But then Tara will always love her and I think Dawn will deal. She’s known from the start that Tara and Willow are a couple, in fact she is the Scooby who is most enthusiastic about their relationship and seems to really understand that they are soul-mates.





I second all the complimentary things other kittens have said about your choice and use of the karaoke songs.

I thought the ending was wonderful, so many layers of emotion and meaning you were able to evoke in the singing of, ‘We are Family’. It was very moving when everyone joined in (even Giles), with most of the Scoobies dancing together in a joyous affirmation of the love they have for each other. But because Dawn does not know she is the Key there was an added poignancy/discomfort for all those knowing the truth, in fact you made us as readers complicit in the secret the Scoobies are keeping from her. And of course there is also the immediate impact of the Maclay revelations which leaves Tara wanting to reaffirm she is part of the Scooby family.



The scene tied in so well with the central theme running through the story, which Angie the waitress unknowingly voiced when she asked Tara, ‘Who’s your family, sweetie?’.

It strikes me that when this story begins Tara has just followed in the Maclay tradition of leaving the family. On the show when Tara says, ‘Just go.’ it is clear she wants nothing more to do with the remaining Maclays and is choosing the Scoobies to be her new family. You made this even more explicit when Tara says, ‘For the better part of 20 years I believed I was a demon. And one night all of it changed. I was free of it, and I had a real family.’



Up until now we have seen Tara repeatedly lay claim to members of her new family.

(e.g. You’re my family now, Beloved or ‘I love you Dawnie…You’re my family now.’ )



We have also seen her try to distance herself from her original family.

Beth: We’re family.

Tara:We’re blood kin…that doesn’t make us family.



However what I think becomes clearer the more we read is that in abandoning family we don’t get to leave it behind. The legacy of Tara’s past experiences with her family will continue throughout her life. She may now be changing her relationship to her family and her past so they influence her in different ways but no matter how hard she tries she can’t get away completely. In many ways Donnie was right when he told Tara,



‘You don’t get to leave Tara and just act like you don’t even belong to this family. You don’t get to head off to college and leave your white trash family behind like you’re too good for us.’



Tara may have succeeded in leaving Cold Springs and going to college. She may decide to leave behind her, ‘white trash family’ ( though I’m sure Tara doesn’t think of them that way, seems more like a self-esteem issue for Donnie). However she will always be a Maclay, Scoobies notwithstanding, and I guess over time we’ll get to see how she reconciles being a part of two such different families.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
' What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday,
and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow :
our life is the creation of our mind. ' from The Dhammapada

[VampNo12]

Mary, what an enjoyable chapter! I found this part flowed perfectly within the narrative, and truly believe this moment in the bar was a much needed breather after all the angst they have recently endured. Really it's one thing to suffer angst, but if it's just continuously piled on with no moment to regroup (allowing the gang to become "refreshed"), the "weight" of the angst would be IMHO so overwhelming it would seem unbearable (ie the sense of how in earth can they truly preserve through all this "darkness").



Again I must commend you for your characterizations there so spot on. I find your dialogue rings so true (you capture the scooby dynamic perfectly), where I can hear in my head the characters saying your words. And my there was so much of this chapter that made me laugh at loud, as well as resonating with me on an emotional level. With this in mind, just to Willow saying, "Bullshit on a kaiser bun.", Buffy saying (to Giles), "If Xander's asking you to wear some flimsy little outfit, not to mention the whole 'virgin' thing-", and Tara saying, "I sang the Mormon Tabernacle Choir version" 'Do you think I'm sexy? No because that would be wrong.".



And on an emotional level I loved how you simply conveyed the strength (depth) of W&T's connection with the lines, ("Turning to Willow in the dark, she gazed at her intently and pressed two fingers against Willow's heart. Silently, she mouthed later to her partner."), as well as ("At the end of the day, any day it's always the two of us. As it should be."). As for the karaoke... the songs reflected perfectly the characters from Anya's "I touch myself" , to Tara's selection of "Chances Are" with the intensity of her love for Willow shining through, to finally the "crescendo" (not to mention bittersweet feeling with Dawn as the "key") singing "We are Family". Here even with this respite there's an undercurrent of obstacles (angst) still to overcome, but what struck a chord with me was (as the gang joins in) Willow thinking, ("but it didn't really matter, she realized; what mattered was that they were all there, on this wild night after this wild day, and they could sing a song like "We Are Family", and mean it, in the very best sense of the word-"), speaks volumes... that in each other they have found their "home" (not to mention how palpable you make the word "family"... absolute belief/knowledge that they can lean on each other for strength/comfort). Can't wait for the next part!



And thanks... I enjoyed my Spring Break, but didn't get to go away. Originally I was supposed to go to Cancun, but with the uncertainty with the War I didn't want to travel. So instead I will go on my Spring Break trip in the Summer !



Vicki

Edited by: VampNo12  at: 3/23/03 11:14:24 pm

[Nation]

Way back at the beginning Willow promised Tara a little "sumthin sumthin" for her birthday.....

Quote:

---

You have a gift certificate waiting for you at Sappho’s Samplings. I’ll be more than happy to help you with your selections.

---

Are the girls ever going to make it to this store?



Nation

[miss calendar]

So I read Nation's question which sparked a question of my own.....



Tara must be feeling pretty tense what with all that's been happening. Don't you think now would be a good time for Willow to try out her newly acquired massage skills?

(she asks hopefully....)



Actually I just thought of another question. I find myself very intrigued by Beverly Maclay, especially as you've hinted she may be a lesbian. If Tara wants to find out more about Quinn then Beverly is an obvious place to start, so will our girls be making a trip to Dallas at some point? It would be nice for Tara if at least one Maclay could accept and appreciate her relationship with Willow.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
' What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday,
and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow :
our life is the creation of our mind. ' from The Dhammapada

[Penrose Orleans]

Mary, Oh Awesome Giver of the Word,



Oooh, I should start a cult devoted to you with that as your title! That would be cool! And then my children could kneel to your children, and we could teach them to stratify all of society, and... never mind.



So, Spring Break rolled around, I'm alive, and I've picked myself out of the rubble of last term to give you some long-overdue feedback.



The smoke has cleared for the Scoobies and most of all for Tara, and it's a good thing, too-- one more traumatic plot twist, and I would have broken ! Seriously, our poor Tara has gone through more than most people endure in a lifetime over the space of one afternoon (or a couple of days, one could say) than most people see in their entire lives. Though it had to be done, and quickly was probably the best way, how intense! (If I were inclined to be frivolous, I'd say X-treme, but we all know that's not like me, right? )



Anyway, this brings me to the karaoke-recreation-night-thing (and no, there was no better way to write that!)-- for pete's sake, they needed a break! Thanks for giving them one-- it really made the tone both more real and more interesting, and your sense of timing was excellent. Of course, comedy is always appreciated in appropriate doses (and you give it to us well!)... this was just an extra-comedy-appropriate moment (again, perfect phrasing!).



So now that I've heaped praises on your name and blessed your descendents, I have a question to ponder (well, for me to ponder, at least-- you probably know the answer!). So the whole crew (Buffy, Giles, Xander, Dawn, and of course Willow) accompanied Tara to talk to her father. What I'm a-wondering is how much of the situation played out based on the actual characters of, well, the characters in the Maclay family, and how much was so-called 'social facilitation' (when your behavior changes in the presence of an audience)? Would Nathan have really given up his moral 'high ground' if it weren't for those darn kids (and Giles )?



Ah, it wouldn't be a Monday if Nora weren't asking irrelevant questions... in conclusion, you are nifty, I like your story, and I also like ice cream. --Nora

"Un delgadísimo halo negro rodeaba el ojo y lo inscribía en la carne rosa, en la piedra rosa de la cabeza vagamente triangular. . . que le daban una total semejanza con una estatuilla corroída por el tiempo.” –Julio Cortázar, "Axolotl"

[stereo33]

Hi Mary

I was half looking forward / half dreading the scene between Tara, Donnie and her Dad, and you definitely didn't disappoint.

I always love protective Willow and the fact that she just happened to send Donnie flying in the process was a bonus. Also, after all was said and done I kind of felt sorry for Beth too, especially as she seemed to be dealing with what she'd found out by going off into her own little world.

Pt 20 was a welcome change of pace, I liked it. I think that sometimes when things have been really bad, doing something kind of crazy is called for. However, I still feel when the singing is over that Tara definitely needs some time with Willow. Looking forward to your next update.

Thanks

Karen

[mollyig]

Willow's perspective in the last chapter was interesting. She worried about all her girl had been through, and also recognised Tara's need for some lighthearted fun with her family; but, being Willow, was also thinking of Dawn's predicament. Thanks for this fine story.

Love is a place I dream of. A face that never leaves my mind
Luka Bloom

[SlayerSydney]

Mary--



I finally caught up with this incredible fic. I had started to read it way back when you first started posting, but then I was a bad and lost my way. Actually, I got lost somewhere in between the world of smut and gazing at Ruth's breasts.

But, Honestly, I had a really hard time getting into this fic because of how much "screen-time" Donnie was getting. I'm sure that sounds a little silly, but it's true. I had already formed my opinion of Donnie from Family and other fics I had read. And I basically hated reading about Donnie. But, you sucked me in. And quite wonderfully, might I add.



I doubt my feedback will be as eloquent as some of your more faithful readers who did not lose their way, but....



Once I got back into the story, after I put aside my absolute distaste for reading about Donnie , I was entranced by your writing style. And of course, by your characterizations and overall plot. I enjoyed the flashbacks scenes from Tara's past and the switch in points of view from Willow and Tara throughout the story.

I know I am reading an incredible story when I can feel what the characters are going through. And you did this to me during the entire thing! I felt Willow's rage for Donnie, I felt Tara's pain upon learning about her mother, and I felt the love the Scoobies all have for Tara. (I also felt what Dawn has for Tara too, *sigh*, but that's for another thread. )



Sadly, I started copying parts of the story that I wanted to talk about when I finally reached the end of the updates, and now that I read them, most of them of are all humorous. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I was trying to be all intellectual.

Quote:

---

Tara felt a shallow ripple of dread pass over her. But what was there to fear? Pulling herself up to her full height, she looked at her brother dismissively. "What’s in the box, Donnie? A gun? Are you planning to shoot me, the evil lesbian witch? How cliched is that?" Beside her, she felt Willow’s hand tighten in her own.

---

Quote:

---

Willow reached out one tentative hand and, meeting no resistance, gently stroked Tara’s arm. "What—you’re saying you’ll go all ‘Black Magic Tara’ on me? That one day you’ll go evil and try to destroy the world? And—what else?—oh, maybe your hair and your eyes will turn black and you'll hurt the people you love? Tara, that’s ridiculous. That’s the kind of stuff asinine TV plot twists are made of." She felt Tara calming, just slightly, under her touch

---

Quote:

---

"I mean it," Dawn was saying. "I may not be a witch and I may not be fucking either, but I can take your scruffy ass." Buffy looked at her sharply, whether because of her language or because of her conspicuous absence of clarification regarding her own sexual orientation, Tara wasn’t sure.

---

This one really hit home with me. As I work with MH children who live in a group home, and I know exactly how Giles was feeling at this point. I have also felt this way about some of my friends/family.

Quote:

---

"I’ll leave that to you," he maintained. "I shall enjoy my drink and pretend that I’m here as your guardian on a supervised trip from the group home."

---

Your use of humor really made the story for me. This group of characters are funny. They have to be. To deal with the day-to-day Hellmouth activities, I think they have to be able to laugh. If they didn't, I would worry about them. Too much seriousness can cause some serious problems. Our beloved characters would be depressed, with mood disorders out the ying yang. Not to mention possibly maniacal. I know that just reading all the angsty stuff totally bummed me out. That little bit of a comic relief is needed.



That was my segue into the last update... I loved the fact that Buffy stopped the car and turned around for karaoke. The day for Tara, and the rest of them, had been catastrophically intense. Tara found out her mother was not the picture perfect wife or mother, her father wasn't her real father, and she gained a bitch of a half-sister. That's a whole lot of intense emotion rolling around. I think the karaoke was a wonderful release. No matter how many demons or vampires or whatever the group fights, they are all still human(even Anya) and the emotional pressure is going to build to an exploding point if they don't take care of themselves. And I liked that Buffy was the one who recognized that. As a leader, she should.



Other things I loved about your story:



Tara's mom: She didn't end up being the picture of perfection that I, and probably other kittens, had imagined. It was interesting to see where you took this character. To have lived with Tara's father and with the 'suspected' abuse by her father and brother, Tara's mother would most certainly have had some of her own issues. Don't we all?



Tara's father: His past and why he did the things he did. And the fact that he doesn't even know for sure if he's a demon. And because of his ignorance he created a big tangle of dysfunction in his family. The relationship between him and his mother and how it relates to his realtionship with Tara's mom was also intriguing.



Willow: Relating the events with Tara to Oz. Could she live with Tara knowing Tara might end up the way Oz did: leaving her for more demon-y relationships. Could she allow herself to go through that pain. As much as I love W/T, they are only human and I think it is only natural to question your realtionships once in a while. Though I picture them as perfect because they are fictional, real life would dictate that these are very honest questions and doubts.



I think I may have over-rambled and I never do that in fic feedback. But, I have spent the past two days catching up and I needed to get these thoughts out.



I'm glad I got back into this fic and I just wanted to say that you are definitely, a most talented writer. I appreciate the opportunity to read your wonderful story and look forward to more.

---

"Honestly, I think if you prefer chocolate to sex, then you're clearly having entirely the wrong kind of sex."~~The Tao of Ruth

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hey Kittens: I have one final batch of feedback to respond to, but I wanted to get this update posted before heading off for several hours of work. I’ll respond to that last feedback when I return later tonight. Hope you enjoy this, and thanks again for reading.

Gods Served and Abandoned

Disclaimers:
If I owned these lovely women and were making any money off of them, don’t you think I’d buy a computer for my home so I wouldn’t have to haul my ass up to my office when I wanted to write?

Spoilers:
Up to season 5. I’ve played slightly with the timing of a certain Big Bad’s appearance, with some implications for Dawn’s entrance.

Rating:
R for now; if it changes, I’ll give heads-up.

Distribution:
Sure, with acknowledgement.

Feedback:
Even more sure! Bring it on!


*****
Part 21
*****


They left the bar shortly after Dawn raised the roof and brought down the house with "We Are Family." There was a collective sense that nothing could top this, and so they settled the bill and headed out to the SUV, arms flung companionably about each other with no particular regard to coupling or gender.

As they approached the car, a woman’s voice—not quite soft, not quite menacing—called out, "Hey, Tara—saw you in there, kissing your girlfriend."

Willow wheeled about, wondering just who was trying to spoil their fun this time. Maybe it’s Jo, coming back to claim her woman and drag her off to the hills.

As the woman stepped out into the lamplight of the parking lot, Willow heard Tara’s quick intake of breath.

"Cathy?" Tara asked hesitantly.

Cathy…Cathy…Who’s Cathy?

Oh—that Cathy.

The Cathy who had humiliated Tara in front of the entire school; made her life even more miserable. This wench had taken something so exquisitely personal from her shy beloved and used it to drive a wedge between her and the only real friend she had.

Guess the ass-kicking isn’t done for the day.

Looking at her closely, Willow could see a tall, impossibly thin woman (Doesn’t anybody eat in this state?) with short black hair. Her hands were stuffed deep into the pockets of her very trendy leather jacket as she came slowly toward them.

"Long time no see, Tara," Cathy offered.

"A fact which I’m handling remarkably well," Tara replied evenly, to Willow’s delight.

"OK…" The other woman nodded slowly. "What you did, inside—singing a love song to a woman and then kissing her like nobody else was even there…"

"Yes?" Tara’s voice held an edge to it which Willow had heard all too frequently in the last week.

"I hope I have the guts to do it someday." The voice was suddenly very quiet.

"What?" Tara sounded incredulous.

Of course. Of course her high school nemesis comes out to her, tonight, in Cold Springs. Saw it coming a mile away.

"I said, I hope I’m brave enough to be myself one day, no matter where I am."

"Cathy, if you’re trying to make up for lost time since I’ve skipped our class reunions, you’ve picked a really bad—"

"No," the other woman replied, holding up a conciliatory hand. "Just wanted to say I’m sorry for being such an ass, and tell you how great it is that you’re so open."

Tara shook her head as if to clear her vision, and finally replied, "Cathy Morrisey…Of all the shockers…" She looked up, a smile finally creasing her face. "Dare I ask who? If there is anyone, that is."

Cathy laughed. "Tina."

"Tina Corcoran? The class Holy Roller?"

"Retired Holy Roller. Hung up her wings right after we got roaring drunk on Prom Night, flirting all the while, and finally ditched our dates to make out in the library."

"And it all gets curiouser and curiouser…"

"Anyway, I just wanted to tell you, and apologize. You look really happy." Cathy seemed almost shy now.

"I am. Immensely so." Tara smiled at Willow, who felt her heart break out into a tiny little tap dance of joy.

"Take care," Cathy nodded, then turned and walked back into the bar.

"You too," Tara called, just before the others broke out into a frenzied babble of questions, opinions, and wild conjecture.

"All will be revealed," Tara laughed, with a dazed shake of her head. "Let’s just get to the hotel."

*****

O’Leary’s Motor Lodge (Free Cable and Pool!) was never full; hence the startled look on the desk clerk’s face when seven individuals tumbled in and asked for accommodations.

"Uh, how many rooms will you be needing?"

There was a moment’s uncertainty as everyone looked at each other.

"Well, we could put all the girls in one room, and Giles and Xander could room together," Dawn suggested.

"I don’t think so," Anya replied promptly, and with more than a little vehemence. "I just sang ‘I Touch Myself’ to the man I love, and if you insist on some archaic gender segregation, you’ll listen to me touch myself all night long."

"Etch-a-Sketch Moment! Etch-a-Sketch Moment!" Willow cried out, shaking her head frantically from side to side in an attempt to clear the image from her mind.

"Tara, I’m guessing you and Willow would like some time alone, right?" Buffy asked, hands on her hips.

"Actually, yeah. That would be just about beyond perfect right now," Tara nodded gratefully.

"OK, so how about this: you two in one room; Anya and Xander in another room, preferably in another wing of the hotel or maybe another hotel altogether; me and Dawn in a third room; and Giles, that leaves you bunking single, if you’re OK with that."

"I should be immensely relieved, to be honest," the Watcher replied. "I always stash some Earl Grey in my jacket. I think I’ll just sink into bed and enjoy a quiet cup."

With a decisive nod, Buffy turned back to the clerk and within a matter of minutes, the seven of them were making their way down a long hallway to their respective rooms. Pausing outside #214, Tara looked at the others, gratitude battling exhaustion in her eyes.

"You guys—what you did today; what you did tonight…I don’t know how I can ever repay you. It—it means more to me than you’ll ever know."

Giles enfolded Tara in a tweedish and very warm embrace. "My only request of you, Tara, is that one day you realize that no repayment is ever necessary for caring about you."

After that, there was a dim blur—at least to Willow’s emotional gaze—as each person came up in turn to hug Tara, offering words of either sincere comfort or gentle banter. Even Anya flung her arms around Tara, whispering, "You really do deserve the good stuff, you know."

Willow saw Dawn hanging back, hands jammed into her back pockets as she stared at the ground. She really is overwhelmed by all of this; by what she’s feeling.

"Dawnie?" Tara’s voice was soft. And then Dawn edged around Buffy and wrapped her arms fiercely around the taller girl’s waist. Through her own misty vision, Willow saw a tear slip past Dawn’s closed lashes and trickle down her cheek. She didn’t say anything, just squeezed Tara as if her life depended on it and finally stepped back away, looking down at the ground once more.

Finally, the group dispersed into their own rooms, Anya humming the chorus of her chosen serenade from earlier.

Alone at last.

*****

Willow looked at Tara for what seemed like an eternity, before stepping forward and pulling her gently into her arms.

"Oh, my sweet Baby," she murmured, wondering what she could possibly say to ease the pain and confusion of this incredible day. Pulling back softly, she stroked Tara’s soft cheek and opted for tangibility. "Is there anything you want? Anything to drink?"

To her surprise, Tara nodded slowly. "Now that you mention it, I’m parched. I think I saw vending and ice machines at the other end of the hall. Would you mind…?"

"Of course not." Willow practically jumped at the chance to do something for her beloved. She grabbed the ice bucket and pulled a handful of coins from her purse, and then kissed Tara softly. "I’ll be right back, Baby."

Heading down the hall, she glanced at the short corridor leading to the balcony on the second floor. She pulled up abruptly when she discerned Dawn’s slight figure leaning over the railing.

Three guesses what’s on her mind… She wondered if there weren’t some karmic reason for her to have been walking down the hallway and to have glanced over just when she did. She made a 90-degree turn and within a few strides was standing next to the teenager under a bright moon.

"Hey Dawnie," Willow said softly, running her hand briefly over the girl’s arm.

"Hey Willow," Dawn replied, giving her a quick smile before turning back to gaze at something far away.

"Long day, huh?" Willow offered. "I mean, who coulda guessed this morning how everything would turn out."

"Not me," Dawn muttered, "and I thought I had a pretty good imagination."

"You know," Willow continued, proceeding by intuition as much as rationality, "I don’t think Tara realizes how much good stuff she pulls from people just because of who she is. Does that make sense?"

Dawn nodded. "It’s like she doesn’t get it—how special she is. And now, seeing where she came from and what she went through, I think, well how could she have gotten it, before now? No wonder she has such a hard time knowing how great she is."

Willow answered slowly, "Well, sometimes other people see us more clearly than we see ourselves, especially when our feelings are involved."

Dawn stole a quick glance her way, before staring back out at the night. Willow continued, "And Tara…Well, she just doesn’t get how easy it is to love her." She saw Dawn shift uncomfortably. "I think she’s still surprised that I love her. She can’t imagine someone just falling for her, head over heels."

Even in the dark, she could see Dawn’s knuckles whiten as she gripped the railing. "Willow?" Her voice was tiny.

"Yeah, sweetie?"

Dawn swallowed twice, and then squared her slender shoulders. "I think I’m in love with Tara."

And in other news, scientists have determined that fire is hot.

Listening to her now, Willow couldn’t feel any resentment or possessiveness. She looked at Dawn and saw a teenager who was swamped with feelings she could hardly understand or explain. She saw a girl who worshipped someone well worth worshipping and who had absolutely no idea of how to deal with it. And she saw someone who was the Key, created to open the portals between dimensions, who had no idea how her life was about to change.

So she turned and took Dawn into her arms and said, "Who can blame you, Dawnie?"

"You’re not mad?" came the muffled query.

"No, I’m not mad. I mean, she’s Tara. I commend you on your good taste." She felt Dawn grin against her shoulder before the girl pulled back and look down at her shoes.

"Does Tara know?" She folded her arms as if anticipating abject scorn.

How do I answer that one? Tell her that everybody else knows but Tara is the one person who doesn’t really believe it? "Well, it’s like we were saying: it’s hard for Tara to imagine being such a hot commodity, so I don’t think she does."

"OK, that’s a huge relief," Dawn sighed. She turned, and leaned back against the railing. "I didn’t really figure it out until today. I just thought that Tara was—extra neat, you know? Like, she’s all gentle and magical and really smart…I just thought that I wanted to be like her. And then today, seeing how people treated her, and hearing what she went through…At first I just wanted to slug her dad—or whoever he is—and then after awhile all I wanted to do was sit and hug Tara. And the more I thought about hugging her, the more I felt all…" Here she stopped, and looked away in keen embarrassment.

"Kinda warm and squiggly inside?" Willow offered helpfully.

"Very warm, and all kinds of squiggly," Dawn confirmed decisively. "I mean, I know she’s your girlfriend, and everybody would say that I’m too young for her—even though I’m way more mature than Janice, and she’s dating an eighteen-year-old—and basically, I haven’t got a chance in hell and I really am happy for you two, and oh God, I’m starting to sound like a graduate from the Willow Rosenberg School of Elocution and Conciseness."

Willow frowned slightly. "Well, thanks—I think. You’re right, she is my girlfriend and everybody—including Tara and me—would say you’re too young, and no, you wouldn’t stand a chance anyway. But that’s not the point," she added quickly. "The point is, you have really intense feelings for someone and it’s complicated. It’s like the greatest and the worst emotions in the world all wrapped up in a Total Confusion Tortilla. It’s tough; God knows I know it’s tough. But you’re not bad for feeling that way and I still love you. It’ll ease up after a while."

Dawn looked at her skeptically. "What if it doesn’t?"

"Then you and I take it outside and mud wrestle." Seeing Dawn’s eyes widen, she hastily went on, "OK, very much not really. If it gets worse, or months go by and it’s not getting better, we’ll talk it over some more. And we can talk about it whenever you want you. But please don’t freak about it, Dawnie," she finished, realizing the breath-taking irony of
her telling someone to relax.

Dawn was quiet for a moment, and then looked up suddenly. "Willow, does this mean I’m gay?"

Willow laughed, albeit somewhat nervously. "You know, I left my Lesbian Detection Kit at home." When the younger girl simply looked at her, slight hurt stealing into her eyes, Willow sighed. "I don’t know, Dawnie. I mean, I don’t know if there’s a definite yes or no to that question, at least not now." She suddenly felt woefully inadequate. Me and my stupid ideas—come out here and talk to Dawn about her feelings. I do technology; Tara does emotion. Shit.

She saw that Dawn was still looking at her, though, and she realized that the girl needed her; needed some kind of anchor and confidant. She didn’t have to be perfect or omniscient. The realization prompted her to ask, "Do you need to know, right now? I mean, know for sure? Would the label really make a difference in how you act or how you think?"

Dawn considered this for a moment. "I don’t know…It just seems like if I am gay, I should know about it."

"Well, yeah, I’m not saying repress it and get married tomorrow because, hello, very much illegal and also yucky. I’m just saying that maybe you don’t need to take an oath—any oath—right now. Don’t push me over the rail for saying this, Dawn, but you really do have time, you know?"

Dawn sighed the universal sigh of teenage angst. "I know, I know—I have my whole life ahead of me."

Willow cringed at the unintended irony of the phrase. "Well isn’t that a heck of a lot better than saying that your life ends tomorrow? That your time’s up and you’d better have everything figured out right now because Uncle Death is coming for an extended visit?"

Dawn stared at her, slightly aghast, it seemed. "Jeez, Willow—and have a nice day to you, too. Morbid much?"

"I’m just saying that being a teenager isn’t the worst thing in the world, even if it isn’t the best. And one of the good things about it is that you don’t have to sign up for one life right now if you don’t want to."

After a moment, Dawn nodded. "OK, I get that. I’ll take my time, even though we both know patience isn’t my strong suit."

Willow grinned. "No; that would be your keen mind, or maybe your singing ability."

Dawn shrugged, but Willow could see her smiling slightly. She linked her fingers through Willow’s. "Can I ask you for a favor?" she began, tugging Willow back toward the corridor.

"Cast a spell on Anya and make her celibate? Because that would be fun but unethical."

"Don’t tell Tara."

Willow hesitated. She didn’t like the idea of keeping anything other than a birthday present a secret from her girl, especially something that involved her. On the other hand, she was on a first-name basis with embarrassment and didn’t want to make things more difficult for Dawn than they already were.

"Tell you what. I won’t bring this up. If she asks about it, though, I won’t lie, but I’ll tell her to come to you first. How does that sound?"

Dawn nodded. "I can live with that." As they reached the hallway and she turned away from Willow to head back to her room, she asked quietly, "Sure you’re not mad?"

Willow grinned, feeling warm and affectionate toward this girl who, like Tara, had such precious little idea just how much was within her. "I’m not mad, Dawn." She hugged her tightly. "Butif you look down her blouse I’ll gouge your eyes out."

Dawn nodded feebly. "No chest shots. Got it." She lowered her voice suddenly and added, "You’re the greatest, Willow. Tara’s lucky to have you." And then she darted back down the hallway to her room.

Willow glanced at her watch as she turned toward the vending room. Almost one o’clock. Even a trip to the juice machine gets dramatic on this trip.

*****

"Where’d you get the juice, Sweetie—Tulsa?" Tara’s voice was edged with fatigue. She was stretched out on the bed; two candles were lit, one on either stand beside the bed.

"Sorry, Baby—I ran into Dawn and she was pretty upset about today." Willow hoped Tara didn’t ask too many questions because she didn’t want to lie, especially since she was awful at it.

Tara sat up quickly. "Dawn’s upset? Maybe I should talk to her."

"No!" Willow realized that she had practically shouted her directive. "I mean, she was really wiped out by the end of the conversation. She was going to head to bed. Besides," she added, pouring some juice into an ice-filled cup, "you’re the one who needs the TLC right now." She carried over the drink and sat down on Tara’s side of the bed, running her fingers gently through soft tendrils of gold.

"Totally Licentious Cunnilingus?" Tara smiled, batting her eyelashes with exaggerated coyness.

"Whenever possible," Willow breathed, amazed that even after a day like this, Tara could simply banter with her about sex and Willow was primed and ready to go. I’m like the old Timex commercialsused to say—I take a licking and keep on…well, licking.

"How are you, Baby? Really?" She felt her heart squeeze suddenly as she caught full sight of the exhaustion in Tara’s eyes.

"How about you take those clothes off and get ready for bed and then come in and ask me that question?" Before Tara had even finished the question, Willow had bounced off of the bed and headed into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. A bare five minutes later, she hastened back to bed, half fearing that Tara would already be asleep and half hoping that she was, if that’s what she needed.

But Tara obviously wasn’t going gently into any dark night without Willow beside her. Willow slid in under the covers and stretched out her full length against Tara’s warm body.

"So let me ask that again—how are you?"

Tara’s eyes suddenly glistened in the dark as she pondered the question. "God, Willow—how do I even start to answer that? I feel like my whole world exploded on me in one afternoon." She drew a shuddering breath. "I mean, I thought everything had been resolved on my birthday. And then Donnie shows up and tells me Daddy has demon blood in him. So we head off to Cold Springs where Daddy tells me that he really is a demon, but I don’t have to worry because he really isn’t my father. Who, by the way, was my uncle; who, by the way, is dead. And the coup de grace: my mother wasn’t a saint." Laughter and weeping seemed to dance fitfully together in her voice.

Not for the first time that day, Willow raged against her helplessness to ease Tara’s pain. "I can’t even imagine it, Baby. It’s just too much for you; it’s too much for anyone."

Tara looked up at the ceiling, as if discerning some truth among the aging tiles. "Have you ever noticed that that phrase makes no sense? That something is ‘too much’?"

As Willow fumbled to apologize, Tara interrupted her. "No, Sweetie; you didn’t say anything wrong. I’m just saying that it doesn’t really matter if something should be too much. Things still happen however they happen. I mean, life doesn’t tap you on the shoulder mid-way through some trauma and ask, ‘Is this too much? Because if it is, I’ll back off right now.’"

"You’re right," Willow murmured. "I just hate watching you go through all of this—not just today, but knowing what you’ve gone through your entire life. It’s so unfair, and I know life isn’t fair but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it to be, especially where you’re concerned." She felt Tara pulling her more tightly into her arms. They held each other in silence for a moment.

When Tara spoke again, her voice was quiet and almost contemplative. "You know, a part of me wasn’t surprised. About Daddy, or—goddess, I don’t know what to call him right now." She took a deep breath. "Somehow, it just didn’t shock me the way I would have expected. It’s like it explains some things."

"Such as…?" Willow asked gently.

"Such as him always being so distant from me. Never having anything to say to me, it seemed. There were times when he almost seemed afraid of me, Will, and I know that makes no sense, because there were lots of times when he flat-out terrified me. But—it’s like he never knew how to act around me, or what to say to me. And now I find out that he raised me, knowing I wasn’t his, but he never told Mama the truth…" She trailed off, tears sliding rapidly down her cheeks now.

"And Mama…oh goddess, Willow; I can’t believe she did what she did. I mean, she not only cheated on Daddy, she took Donny with her. He was there, every time they—" Willow watched her gulp back a sob, unable to finish. "Willow, she was my heroine. I knew she wasn’t perfect, but I didn’t know she was that imperfect. I feel like I don’t even know her anymore."

"Tara, that’s not true!" Willow was stunned by the force in her voice, but continued. Something told her that of all the revelations that Tara had withstood today, the news of her mother’s infidelity was the hardest to bear. "She’s still your mother. She’s still the woman who told you how wonderful you were, who sewed such wonderful dresses for you and braided your hair and taught you magic. She doesn’t have to be perfect for those things to be true." She stopped, out of breath.

Tara looked at her, eyes shining. "But she didn’t do those things for Donnie. Nobody did those things for Donnie." Guilt flashed through her eyes, now dark with pain.

Willow fought her own resentment at Donnie, a resentment that made it difficult to feel any compassion for him. "Tara, you don’t know that. You don’t know which came first, Donnie’s surliness—which would make it harder for anyone to bond with him—or your mother’s infidelity. You can’t know that; no one can. And remember, your mom had post-partum depression after he was born. That wasn’t her fault; it wasn’t his fault. It was just a bad break, and I know that doesn’t make it better, but neither does trying to reach a verdict when you can’t get all the evidence."

Heart wrenching at the sight of tears cascading over Tara’s face, the drops illuminated by candlelight until they seemed like so many tiny jewels, Willow propped herself up on one elbow and kissed her beloved’s soft flesh, drying the wetness with her own fingers and cheeks. I can handle anything except seeing her in pain. Except that that’s what she needs from me right now—to be with her and not try to make it all go away. This isn’t magic.

Turning slightly, Tara offered herself up fully to Willow’s embrace. Crying now herself, Willow held her fiercely. "You’re home now, Baby. I’ll be your home from now on." She felt Tara nod against her neck.

"Willow, Sweetie—I don’t think I’ve ever been this exhausted." The crying seemed to have stopped for the moment, as Willow gently stroked her hair.

"It’s OK, Baby. I mean, of course you’re wiped out." She eased down onto her pillow, careful to keep Tara cradled gently within her arms. "Just close your eyes and drift off. I’ll keep you safe and warm."

She was surprised and a little disconcerted to see Tara pull back slightly, until she was looking down at Willow with a desperate, aching gaze.

"Willow…I need you to touch me, all over." Her eyes were luminous in the dark.

Willow was taken aback by the words. "You—you want to make love? You feel like that now? Because I’d be more than happy—" She fell silent at the feeling of Tara’s fingers on her lips.

"No, not make love; at least, not in the usual sense of the phrase." Her brow furrowed as she fought to make herself understood. "I need you to touch me, bring me back to here, to you. I feel like I’ve been thrown around, pushed around all day by one person or another. Just going back there, seeing everything as if I were seeing it for the first time. I feel…not me, Willow. I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel like a stranger in my own skin." Her gaze became needful, and urgent. "I need you to put your hands on me, all over me. Not sexually, but…" She shook her head, frustration working her lips into a frown. "I don’t need you to try to satisfy me. Just…Just touch me, Willow. Please." The last word was whispered, almost pleading.

And Willow finally understood. Nodding, she leaned forward and kissed Tara gently on the full lips, and then began to trace her fingers over the indescribably warm, soft flesh of her beloved’s face. She brushed the last vestiges of tears from her cheeks, and leaned over once more to kiss the line that her fingers had drawn.

Moving slowly down over the graceful arc of Tara’s neck, Willow’s fingers pressed gently into the hollow at the base, feeling the deep thrum of Tara’s pulse. She let her fingers wander lower still, stopping to cup the full, heavy breasts into her palms.

"You’re mine," she murmured through the choking in her own voice. "Just like I’m yours. Just like I’ll always be." She squeezed Tara’s breasts once more before trailing her hands gently but firmly over Tara’s belly, knowing just how to touch her to avoid tickling her. Then she edged her body slightly lower in the bed, pressing her palms into the firm thighs and down the long legs before sliding back up along the backs of those legs to curve her fingers over Tara’s soft, rounded hips.

"No matter where you go, or what you learn, the one constant is me. I will always be here, Tara. Because I’m yours. No one else can ever have me; no one else will ever know what my hands feel like on their flesh. Because I will always belong to you. Just like you belong to me." She saw Tara’s eyes glittering in the flicker of candlelight, and wondered how she could breathe in the presence of such beauty.

She ran her fingers over the small of Tara’s back, and then up toward the surprising muscles of her shoulders and upper back, squeezing her fingers into the strength that always delighted and satisfied her.

"Do you feel it, Tara? Do you feel yourself coming back to yourself? Coming back to me? Stay with me, Tara. Don’t ever leave me. This, right now—this is reality, the only reality that matters. Stay with me always, Tara. We’ll make a home and raise children and grow old together and we’ll say the hard things that we need to say and we’ll laugh more than any two people have any right to and we’ll putter around in a garden that grows every herb we need and our grandchildren will always be coming over to our house because we’ll spoil them so rotten and they’ll climb onto your lap and you’ll sing to them in that incredible voice of yours and I’ll sit and watch and think once again how lucky I am."

She slid her fingers into the thick silk of Tara’s hair. "Stay with me, Tara. Because I’ll always stay with you. Because this is home, wherever we are."

And with those words, she pulled her beloved close to her, and the last thing she heard before both of them drifted off onto some other realm was Tara’s voice, infinitely soft, saying, "I’m back. And I’m yours."



To be continued



Edited by: AntigoneUnbound at: 3/26/03 10:24:19 pm

[JustSkipIt]

Mary,



Ok, I'm breaking the no commenting thing to say bravo and brava!



This part is wonderful. The thing with Cathy, yes telegraphed but still nice to read.



The converstation with Dawn & Willow was so touching. Dawn was just beautiful. But I love the way that Willow could so understand the way that Dawn feels since she thinks Tara is so amazing. It's like in a way, having someone in love with your gf is a compliment even if you are tempted to be angry. I guess it depends on ...



The last part is just absolutely absolutely beautiful and wonderful and touching (no pun intended). That wonderful feeling that you just need to feel your lover to be here again. So fantastic. I'm not saying intelligent stuff here, just rambling wonderful.



Also, liked the idea of this being the one reality. I don't remember how you said it but kind of points out the singularity of any one piece of fiction even as it coexists with an infinite number of alternative ones.



Great job. Also, I was first! Debra

---

"People have the power to redeem the work of fools." - Patti Smith

Edited by: JustSkipIt at: 3/26/03 2:50:05 pm

[tommo]

I love the way you delve into the characters and pull us along with you. See, in most fic, Tara's always the one more in touch with her emotions or those of others, so she's the necessary balance to Willow's logical mind. Don't get me wrong, that's the way I like it and that's the way most fic that I read is written, when it's good. But here you've got Willow totally adrift in some ways, talking to Dawn about something so intensely personal. And you'd expect her to totally freak out, which you know, she did do a little bit. But you opened her up to us, and allowed us to realise that Willow is also in tune with the feelings that Dawn has. And how gracious she was in accepting and dealing with those feelings that Dawn was struggling with so much. I think here you showed us a mature Willow; someone who has grown from the graduate of Willow-School.



That scene in itself was also really clever, because it showed us a perspective on how people feel about Tara. In a way, I think you put Dawn into the "everyman" category that the reader occupies. Because whether we like it or not, we're all in love with Tara, and we all feel a little guilty about it, I think, heh heh. The wonderful viewpoint you wrote from here though really enabled a different side of Willow to emerge and I loved it, because you consistently do this in your writing, and show us, the readers, that these characters are indeed three-dimensional and real to us. As real as they were when we used to watch them on the show. No...actually, more so, I think.



The "plenary" session with Willow and Tara was a great ending for this update. I feel like it's drawing this chapter of the story to somewhat of a close, and yet reminding us of our discovery, along with the characters, that is not quite resolved yet. Willow and Tara were so touching in the moments where the physical, for them, was inherent in the way they communicate with one another. Tara wanting Willow to bring her back to the "now" through touch, not words, gave me a lump in my throat. I'm a huge fan of affection, and to have the one person you love most in all the world touch you and hold you and just caress you is an amazing feeling. Particularly after a stressful or emotionally trying day. It reminded me that Willow and Tara aren't just a nice couple; they're soulmates. You remind me of that with every chapter of this story and I'm really thankful for the basic tenets of your fiction that bring me into the "now".



Thanks so much for this. It's a real gift of a story.

Veronica: Why are you such a megabitch?


Heather: Because I can be.

[sheila wt]

That was such a nice update, I thought I wouldn't have any air left in my lungs after the huge, deep *sigh* that came though my lips after I finish reading it.



Beautiful, beautiful, really.



Since the beginning of this story, you always captured their love with precision and depth. We can feel it in each paragraph. The final part of this update was like a climax, when we really see and feel, above everything and everyone, how special and wonderful is their link, how special and wonderful they both are.



Great writing.

--------------------------
"She had tasted Willow on her tongue, and she had worn Willow on her skin. There wasn't a shower in the world that could have washed that away." (Terra Firma, by Tulipp)

[Washi]

Holy Hell! Mary, that was great! I'm glad I stayed up tonight.

Now, I feel that Cathy coming to her isn't just a coincidence, it's more like a symbol that tells Tara that she has been accepted, and that people look up at her like they should.

Which triggered even more Dawn's reaction. Who in their right mind wouldn't worship Tara? Hell, people say I'm nuts and I worship the girl.

As for Dawn, I like the way you wrote it. The poor girl must be confused as hell. I also like the way Willow didn't go postal on her, even though Willow doesn't usually go postal, but after all, she is kinda defending Tara, and that's the one thing that makes her go nuts. In a good way.

Giles showing emotions, who knew?

I think his whole character is made too stoic on the show. Hey, the guy has emotions and he loves them all like his own children. I love the way you wrote him, it makes him seem more realistic.

Quote:

---

"I don’t think so," Anya replied promptly, and with more than a little vehemence. "I just sang ‘I Touch Myself’ to the man I love, and if you insist on some archaic gender segregation, you’ll listen to me touch myself all night long."



"Etch-a-Sketch Moment! Etch-a-Sketch Moment!" Willow cried out, shaking her head frantically from side to side in an attempt to clear the image from her mind.

---

That one had me laughing my ass off.



I love how you combine humor in a pretty angsty piece.



Again, Kudos to you. I just keep loving this fic more and more!



I'll be waiting for an update, just like I've been waiting this past week, barely sleeping.

[doofus68uk]

Its been an age since I've posted, but I'm all caught up... and wow! That last part was lovely (sigh). Oh and Willow's talk with Dawn (especially the running commentary of her thoughts) was knock out funny. Gosh, you're just an all round genius....

"Gosh,look at THOSE!" (Dopplegangland)

[darkmagicwillow]

For all the reasons that Ruth explained, I loved the Willow/Dawn discussion, how Willow was uncertain about how to deal with this emotional issue and how well she was able to help Dawn, despite her earlier jealous feelings. I also liked how Willow realized that she shouldn't try to make all the pain go away with Tara, that it wasn't magic. In these scenes, I see Willow moving away from the possibilities that she opens up by fighting Glory and resurrecting Buffy.



And finally, the scene with Willow bringing Tara back to herself by touching was simply beautiful.

--

"Omnia mutantur, nihil interit." -- "Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost."

[Grimlock72]

The Dawn/Willow conversation was nicely done. Even *I* didn't hate Dawnie, which is a mayor feat. I'll tell you Smart girl too, she has most of her feelings figured out but needed some sort of confirmation on them it seems. (well thats how I read it, not an expert here ).



As far as knowledge is concerned Willow is definitly the person to talk for Dawn (concerning both 'gay-ness' and 'Tara', Willow's favourite topic). Despite Willow's own reasoning she really didn't do too bad on the 'emotion' stuff, which she claims should be done by Tara. Nice leading into that conversation too, clever .



I hope Tara didn't get too worried while waiting for Willow fetching her drink.



I wonder if Dawn plans to have a talk with Tara in the near future. Surely she doesn't expect her crush to remain secret forever ? Why should it remain secret, emberasment ?



Heh, Willow is so well written in this update that I pretty much agree with all the things she says. Things like: "Willow fought her own resentment at Donnie, a resentment that made it difficult to feel any compassion for him. " for example. And how Tara has no idea how special she is to other people.



Even Anya made a nice remark about that: "You really do deserve the good stuff, you know."... and I sooooo agree with that. Willow will just have to spend the rest of her life to convince Tara that she IS in fact special... which I suspect she will.



Willow comforting Tara in the end was long overdue and sorely needed. May they now sleep a long uninterrupted and refreshing sleep.



Still the most surprising part was how Willow handled her talk with Dawn. It went so *well*, Willow definitly handles emotional stuff better than she gives herself credit for. (sensing a pattern there)



Enough rambling for now, thanks for the update!!



Grimmy

"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

Edited by: Grimlock72 at: 3/26/03 4:29:27 pm