Chapter Eighteen
“OW!”
Willow snapped her hand up as the knife she was using to cut the crusts off Robyn’s sandwiches for her lunch sliced through her finger.
She watched the starchy-white bread turned red in spots as her blood dripped down. She sighed before rinsing it under the faucet.
That’s what you get for wielding a knife on no sleep, she said to herself. She’d get to bed earlier tonight.
Who was she kidding? She wasn’t sleeping anyway.
She tossed the sullied slice of bread into the trash and was met with Woofy standing at his bowl, looking up at her pleadingly.
“Early riser this morning today too, huh Woofs?” she asked as she bent down to pick up his bowl to fill, “I hope JJ remembered to feed you last night.”
“I did.”
Willow looked across the kitchen as JJ entered, frowning.
“I did, Momma, I replaced his water and everything!”
“I believe you,” Willow soothed softly.
JJ walked over, still in his jammies, and took the bowl to fill with kibble. When he was finished, and Willow had gotten Robyn’s blood-free sandwich into a baggie to keep fresh, he stood in front of Willow and scratched his bed-tousled hair.
“Momma?”
Willow put her hands on JJ’s shoulders. He was getting so tall.
“Yeah, bud?”
JJ frowned.
“I tried to get Robyn up…but she was all wet.”
“All wet?” Willow asked in confusion, then let out a low groan, “Dammit!”
She quickly looked at JJ.
“Don’t tell your grandparents I said that. Are you okay to get your own breakfast?”
JJ just nodded and Willow rushed upstairs to Robyn’s room. Robyn still had Stripey clutched tightly against her chest but was in that fitful state between being asleep and being awake. It just took one pat of her butt, as Willow felt around to confirm her suspicions, for her to rouse and look up at Willow with her big, sleepy turquoise eyes.
“I all wet.”
Willow used her arm to wrap around Robyn and pluck her from the bed.
“You had an accident, baby. It’s okay, it happens sometimes,” she comforted, kissing Robyn’s mop of messy hair, “Let’s give you a little bath.”
She brought Robyn to the bathroom and undressed her from her sleep romper while the tub filled just enough to sit her in.
Robyn weaved her arms around the water, then looked up sadly.
“Wan’ my ducky.”
Willow paused and looked at Robyn for a moment.
Her dad and Michelle went above and beyond in making this place a home for their grandchildren, but ultimately, it wasn’t. As if there weren’t enough changes going on for the kids at the moment, she’d plucked them out of their home too.
“You can have ducky for your bath tonight, okay?”
She quickly washed Robyn down before another complaint could be made and distracted her with a towel monster she made to chase her back to her bedroom, to many giggles.
She tried to bask in the moment and let those giggles reverberate around her brain.
“Come here little bean. What would you like to wear today?”
“Ooh-nee-cohns!” Robyn replied, clapping her hands together.
Willow looked through the limited shirt options tucked away in the drawer.
“You can have a magic carrot or a family of bears.”
An angry furrow appeared on Robyn’s brow.
“Wan’ ooh-nee-cohns! An’ ducky! An’—”
Willow tried to best to stop the tantrum before it could start and just pulled Robyn’s cold body against her and enveloped her in a hug. This is what Tara would do, she thought.
Robyn fought it for about fifteen seconds but eventually realized the hug was much more pleasant and nuzzled into Willow’s neck.
Willow held on for a whole minute, for herself as much as Robyn, then silently dressed her in the magic carrot and whatever pair of pants came to hand first. As Robyn pulled her socks on, Willow kneeled in front of her.
“Hey, hey, c’mere,” she said, helping secure the sock over Robyn’s ankle, “Remember, you need to tell an adult if you feel like you gotta go potty okay?”
Robyn nodded resolutely and Willow gave her a little smile.
“Help me get these sheets off the bed so we can clean them.”
Robyn carried her soiled sheets down to the washer importantly and pressed the start button on the machine when Willow lifted her high enough to push it. They washed their hands together and returned to the kitchen, where Robyn ran over to JJ to climb all over him while he poured her some cereal.
Willow finished cutting up some apple for Robyn’s lunchbox and left both boxes in the fridge.
A while later, Ira appeared in his work suit, turning down his cuffs. Michelle was close behind him, securing her sweater over her shoulders.
If Willow didn’t know any better she thought there might have been some hanky panky going on, but honestly, she’d seen enough of that for several lifetimes the one time she and Tara had caught them on the couch.
Her couch.
She shuddered and tried to hide it.
“Um, there’s coffee in the pot. Woofy is fed and I made the kids’ lunches.”
“You know I don’t mind making them,” Michelle said kindly.
Willow nodded.
“I know, but you guys are doing so much. Taking on me and the kids, even Woofs. It’s too much,” she swallowed and shook her head, “I’m really sorry, but Robyn had an accident last night. I’ve cleaned everything up, the sheets are in the washer.”
Ira and Michelle shared a concerned glance.
“Is that the first accident she’s had since being potty trained?” Michelle asked gently.
Willow looked down into her own cup of coffee.
“Yes.”
She looked over at the kids, who were making Woofy give the paw for fruity pebbles, the kind of cereal Tara would never have allowed before school if she was here.
But she wasn’t.
And Willow was doing her goddamn best.
And having hypothetical arguments in her head, she thought.
“I think I need to move home,” she said eventually, “You guys have been so incredibly amazing, but they’re back in school and they need as close to a regular routine as I can give them. Work is being great and told me to take as long as I need so I’m just going to have to work out a schedule of when I can be at the hospital and when I need to be at home with them.”
Her voice got obviously choked at the end and Ira came over to put himself between her and the kid’s line of vision. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
“You’re not alone, darling.”
“Let me make your dinners at least,” Michelle offered, “I’ll be cooking for us anyway, so it’s just a little extra. I can drop them at your doorstep, don’t even have to come inside.”
Willow waved a hand in front of herself.
“You’re both welcome inside any time, that’s not the issue.”
“What if we moved into your house for a while?” Ira suggested casually, “So the children are in their own surroundings.”
“And I can keep doing pick-ups and drop-offs,” Michelle added in quickly, “It’s one my way, anyway. Tara and I take the same route.”
Willow looked up with glassy eyes.
“Really? You’d do that?”
Ira pulled Willow into a hug.
“We’d do anything for you all, bubbeleh.”
Willow reached back to massage the back of her own neck.
“I can’t ask you.”
“You didn’t, we offered,” Ira said resolutely.
“And we mean it,” Michelle said softly.
“We’d already discussed it, in fact,” Ira revealed, “We’ve been watching you run around trying to have the right clothes and books…it’s silly, really.”
Willow exhaled a slow breath.
“You’ll have to take our room. We were going to do up the second attic bedroom someday but right now it’s just storage and — CRAP, I haven’t even thought about the nursery! It’s half set up, there’s stuff everywhere and their cribs aren’t even put together!”
Ira looked very momentarily unimpressed at the slipped (minor) expletive but had the good sense not to say anything. He kissed the top of his daughter’s head just as Willow had kissed her daughter’s that morning.
“It’s not a concern for right this moment.”
Willow’s phone alarm went off in her pocket and her eyes turned to panic stations.
“I’m sorry, I have to go. Tara’s doctors don’t wait around. Can we talk about it later?”
“Of course, darling,” Ira nodded and patted Willow’s back as she dashed off.
She rushed over to kiss the children goodbye.
“Bye kids, I love you. Have a good day at school!”
“Can we see Mom today?” JJ asked and Robyn started bouncing from where she was sitting on the floor.
“Mom-mee, Mom-mee!”
Pain visibly etched over Willow’s features. She didn’t know what answer to give them when she didn’t even know herself.
“You can definitely video chat.”
JJ looked down and Robyn was distracted enough at the excitement of video chatting to realize that meant she wouldn’t get to see her mother.
“I’m sorry bud,” Willow kissed JJ’s temple, “Everyone is doing everything they can to get her home.”
JJ looked over and nodded quickly, almost scared. Willow frowned at the reaction, but she had to go.
“Goodbye,” she said and stood again, “Bye Dad, bye Michelle. Thank you so much for everything.”
They both waved her off and Willow left her half-full coffee in the sink before rushing out to the car.
She thought she’d put enough of a buffer into her timing to get to the hospital with some breathing room, but she had not anticipated the build-up of an accident that made her creep bumper-to-bumper quite literally to the door.
She found herself resenting that the ambulance was getting to the hospital quicker and had to seriously tell herself to get it together.
Finally, she skidded into Tara’s room a couple of minutes past the hour, out of breath and red with stress.
“Willow,” Tara said in relief, though it came out harsher than she meant it from the build-up of worry.
Willow quickly came over to Tara’s side, eyes apologetic.
“Tara, the traffic, I’m so sorry. Have they been, did I miss them?”
Tara lifted her hands to put over Willow’s but her fingers just fell back down onto the bed instead.
“No,” she said, shaking her head, “I think they’re next door. I can hear lots of talking when it’s quiet.”
Willow hushed up and sure enough, there did seem to be a lot of chatter coming between the wall.
Willow took in a grateful breath and tried to relax her shoulders.
“How are you feeling?”
“Anxious,” Tara replied, gnawing on the corner of her thumb.
No, duh, Willow thought.
“What about your body—”
Suddenly that gaggle of voices became a lot more obvious as a senior doctor, whom Willow didn’t even know if she recognized her or not considering how many medical professionals she’d met over the past few days, led a team of more junior ones into the room.
She introduced herself quickly as the head of the Obstetrics department. They
had met before, but it had been in the immediate aftermath of Tara’s surgery and all she and Tara remembered was the deep, aching sorrow of Tara being told she couldn’t go to the NICU. They hadn’t ben coherent enough to ask many more questions.
Willow did recall her name though, now that she could place the doctor.
Dr. Beaver.
In some back recess of her mind, she heard Robyn’s giggle and managed a little smile of her own.
She watched Dr. Beaver lift Tara’s chart and begin to converse with her team. Willow recognized a lot more of the terms in this round of medical Jeopardy! — mostly because she kept herself up half the night looking up all of the broken parts of her wife and babies wondering if she could somehow put them back together.
Finally, Dr. Beaver turned her attention fully back to Tara, while every one of the junior doctors scribbled furiously.
“Suffice to say, you gave the delivery team quite the challenge. You had an overdistended uterus because of your twin pregnancy and your gestational diabetes causing acute polyhydramnios, an excess of amniotic fluid. It caused pre-term labor and post-partum hemorrhage, quite a severe one. They performed a total hysterectomy which resolved the immediate blood loss and any additional tears haven’t progressed with medication intervention and monitoring. Can I examine your incision site?”
Tara removed the blanket from the lower half of her body and the doctor peeled away the bandage to look.
It looked angry and painful to Willow, but apparently not to the doctor.
“Looking very well. I am extremely pleased with that,” she said and continued to have a gentle feel up under Tara’s breasts, “Have you had any issues expressing?”
Tara glanced down to where her breasts felt like two boulders sitting on her chest.
“M-My supply hasn’t been co-operative. I’ve been trying to use the pump and dumping what I get but I think because I know it’s being dumped, it just won’t come. When will my milk be safe for them?”
That hit Willow like a ton of bricks.
She felt so guilty. She hadn’t even considered how Tara must be feeling with swollen breasts and no baby to feed. She’d forgotten about the process entirely. Tara had been self-expressing, alone? Crying, probably, imagining where it should be going.
God, she felt like an asshole. She’d been through breastfeeding, she knew what it felt like, especially those early days. But she knew the babies were being fed so, like the hand sanitizer on Robyn’s hand, the notion of breastfeeding had poofed entirely from her mind, wrung away before she could even consider it. Tara must have been so uncomfortable on top of all of the other pain.
“Let me review your medications,” Dr. Beaver picked up the chart again, “Hmm. Tara, I don’t see anything here that would interact with your breast milk. We always try to prioritize that when utilizing treatment, especially when prematurity is involved. Was it the NICU that rejected it?”
Tara frowned.
“I-I don’t know. It just gets taken away to be analyzed.”
Realization dawned on the doctor’s face.
“I see the misunderstanding. You’re expressing into a small test tube correct?” she asked and Tara nodded, “It’s not being taken to analyze. It’s being delivered to the NICU to your babies. I’m sorry this wasn’t adequately explained to you.”
“They’ve been getting my milk?” Tara asked with tears filling her eyes as she looked over to Willow, “They’ve been getting my milk.”
“I heard, baby,” Willow replied softly, caressing Tara’s upper arm with her thumb.
She knew how much that must have meant to Tara psychologically if she still thought her body had ‘failed’ the babies. God, that was something Willow needed to get on top of soon too. Tara couldn’t go on thinking like that.
“All colostrum up to now, all the better for them,” Dr. Beaver smiled, “Your milk should be ready to come in. You can discuss with the NICU nurses about organizing a pump and a lactation consultant to come up with a plan for you going forward.”
Willow heard Tara’s breath catch in her throat.
“Does that mean I can go up?”
Dr. Beaver held her hands up cautiously.
“I need to do a physical exam.”
She called for a nurse to assist and pulled the curtain around so it was just the two of them and Tara for the examination. Willow remained on the outside of that curtain and felt just as awkward as all of the juniors, looking at her feet while she waited for it to be opened again.
Eventually, the nurse pushed the curtain back as the doctor pulled off her gloves.
“As long as you remain in the wheelchair for the moment, I’m happy to take you off bed rest. If everything goes okay with some limited movement, we would look into starting to get you up and about and then discharge. But absolutely no heavy lifting. If it’s over 10 pounds I don’t want you even looking at it or putting any undue strain on your body.”
Tara’s nails clawed the sheet beneath her as she began to shake with anticipation.
The doctor looked at Tara’s chart one more time to make sure Tara’s temperature was normal that morning, then lifted her head and nodded.
“Can I go now, can I go right now?”
“I’ll call up to NICU and get a wheelchair right away,” the nurse said, appropriately expedient as she left the room.
Tara’s hands shook in front of her as she looked over to Willow.
“I can see the babies.”
Willow took a step forward and blurted everything she’d been trying to keep patiently inside while the doctor was there.
“Tara, I’m so sorry I haven’t helped you express your milk.”
Tara looked bewildered.
“What?”
“I didn’t think about it, with the babies and the kids…” Willow trailed off, shaking her head, “But I’m so sorry.”
Tara waved a hand.
“It’s fine, I took care of it.”
Willow opened her mouth.
“I—”
“Willow, who cares?” Tara cut Willow off, and it stung a little.
“Right,” Willow swallowed, nodding, “Yeah, no, of course. Let’s just get you upstairs.”
Obviously, that was Tara’s only priority right now. How could anything else be?
The nurse returned, wheeling a wheelchair with various supplies sitting in the seat.
“For the NICU, we have to change your bandage and clean any exposed skin. We need to get that catheter out too.”
She donned a pair of gloves.
“Because you’ve had that inserted for a few days, you’ll have to wear something for extra padding in case of inadvertent leaks—”
Tara felt like the universe was conspiring against her or that she was in one of JJ’s video games trying to figure out how to dodge the obstacles.
“I don’t care if I have to wear a yeti costume, I just want to see my babies.”
Willow winced but the nurse just smiled understandingly.
“Then let’s get you up there.”
The nurse worked quickly in readying Tara who just tried to keep her breathing steady so she didn’t jump right out of her skin. Finally, when she was ready to be moved to the wheelchair, the nurse and Willow got either side of her to guide her into the seat carefully.
Tara made an impatient jerking motion trying to drop in quicker.
“Hey,” Willow said quietly but firmly, “If you overdo it, you’re going to end up stuck back in the bed.”
“I know that, Willow,” Tara snapped back.
Willow sighed and Tara did allow herself to be guided instead of trying to speed it up but her whole body was trembling excitedly when she finally settled.
She was sore and uncomfortable and worn out and hormonal but this was the most elated she had felt in her entire life.
Willow pushed Tara out of the room and Tara felt incredibly small in her chair. She hadn’t seen outside the four walls of her room since waking from surgery and she’d barely moved either apart from when the nurse came in to massage and exercise her legs. She hadn’t realized quite how much of an invalid she felt until being surrounded by people moving around with ease.
She kept her eyes down, so much so that she didn’t even realize they were crossing into an elevator until Willow turned her around and she watched the doors close.
Her heart sped up.
She closed her eyes until she heard the ding of them opening again, repeating the same mantra in her head.
Lily-Emily-Lily-Emily-Lily-Emily-Lily-EmilyHer heartbeat slowed to the sound of the names but she could still feel her blood rushing past her ears. She remembered blood rushing past her thighs and then being held down in a bed as her body fought for what was torn from her.
Her breathing was on the cusp of becoming ragged when a hand on her shoulder brought her back into the moment.
“Tara.”
She looked like she awoke from sleep with a gasp, but it was just from being so deep inside her own mind.
She wasn’t in the elevator anymore.
She was in a new department with a long corridor and in the distance, she realized she could see the L-shaped window into the NICU.
She gasped again when it hit her how close she was to seeing her babies on something other than Willow’s phone screen.
Willow continued to wheel her toward it and it took all of her strength not to jump right out of the chair. At the entrance, a nurse approached and bent down so she’d be on Tara’s level.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Tara. I’m Genevieve, I’m one of the nurses who’s been taking care of your twins.”
Tara pulled her searching eyes away from the window to look at the woman.
“Thank you so much.”
“No need to thank me,” Genevieve smiled, “We just have to go through a hand-washing procedure and then you’ll be brought right in.”
Willow brought Tara to the sink and stepped aside to wash her own hands. The soap stung her finger where she’d cut it that morning and it occurred to her that she may need to cover it.
“Um,” she looked over to Genevieve, “I cut myself earlier.”
“Oh,” Genevieve replied quickly, “Let me get that wrapped up.”
She quickly brought Willow to the nurses’ station while Tara made sure to thoroughly wash her hands free of any hospital germs that might harm her precious babies.
Genevieve wiped Willow’s finger with more antiseptic — which again, ow, Willow thought — and then pulled a latex cover over it down to her middle knuckle.
“Nifty,” Willow said as she wiggled her finger, then bounced it up and down in front of Tara, “Grr. Argh.”
Tara actually cracked a smile and it lifted Willow’s spirits to a place it hadn’t been since this all began.
She closed her hands around the handles of the wheelchair while Genevieve entered the code to get in the door.
“Ready to meet our girls?” Willow whispered.
“More than anything,” Tara breathed softly.
Willow rubbed Tara’s shoulder gently and began pushing her inside as soon as the door opened.
Tara felt that same sense of being overwhelmed that Willow had when she’d first been in here. There were so many tiny babies and she was eye-level with all of them. Her heart ached but it ached more for her own tiny babies.
She didn’t need to see their nameplates to know when she was where she needed to be.
“Lily,” she inhaled and exhaled at a quick pace, “Emily.”
In one long second, she took in everything she could; Lily’s slick of red hair, Emily’s teeny fingers. Both of their chests rising and falling.
Though the big tube in Emily’s throat was even more confronting in person.
“Hi sweeties,” she said softly and started to lift a hand toward each of them but pulled back.
“You can touch them,” Willow encouraged.
Tara looked back at Willow like she was a small child seeking reassurance. Willow wasn’t used to being in that position with Tara but just nodded that it was okay.
Tara reached an arm out either side of her and slipped both hands passed the openings in the incubators. With her fingers shaking, she settled them against each baby’s arm.
“Hi girls. Mommy’s finally here.”
Tears started streaming down her face. Willow bent down to put her hands on Tara’s knees.
“Good tears?”
Tara could only nod.
“I know,” Willow soothed softly as she watched her wife go through the same emotional rollercoaster she had the night the twins were born. She felt someone tap her shoulder and the mom of the boy ‘next door’ handed her a pack of tissues, “Thank you.”
She pulled one of the tissues out and dabbed Tara’s face for her so she wouldn’t have to relinquish the new hold she had on the babies’ skin.
“They’re so little,” Tara commented with a choked voice.
“They’ll grow,” Genevieve said helpfully, “Especially if you’re able to keep expressing for them.”
Fresh tears formed in Tara’s eyes and she sniffled as she looked back and forth between her babies.
Genevieve decided to give her a few minutes and went off to attend to other duties while Tara acclimatized to life in the NICU.
Willow watched Tara try to take in everything and for the first time truly felt like everything would be okay.
Eventually.
“See, baby? They’re wearing their hats. I-I wasn’t sure which one to give them but well, Lily is bigger and…”
She trailed off thinking of how she’d read baby joeys spend six months in their mother’s pouch, thinking Tara would not appreciate that comparison being made.
“So, um, yeah. So I gave Lily the panda hat and Emily the koala.”
“I see,” Tara replied, raising her hand a tad and choking back a tear when she ever-so-carefully touched Emily’s cheek, “Hi my little koala bear.”
She turned her head and did the same to Lily.
“Hey, panda.”
Willow stood up and went around to the other side of Lily’s incubator to put her hand in on the other side. She lightly held her hand over Lily’s heart.
“We’re both here, panda. We’ve got you.”
Genevieve returned at that moment, smiling.
“Good timing. I spoke to one of the doctors and he believes Lily might be ready to try some kangaroo care.”
Willow gasped while Tara took a moment to process what had been said.
“We can hold her?” Willow asked, voice near trembling, “Skin to skin?”
Genevieve nodded, the bright smile on her face indicative of someone happy to have good news.
“She’s as stable as we could hope her to be at this point. Kangaroo care can only help with that.”
“Good girl,” Willow whispered under her breath, stroking Lily’s arm.
“When?” Tara croaked out, finally understanding what was happening.
“Right now,” Genevieve replied, looking just as excited as they were, “If you’re ready?”
“As ever!” Willow replied enthusiastically and Tara could only add a swift nod of agreement.
Genevieve went to get a blanket and another nurse to help with the transfer while Willow came to stand by Tara, rolling back and forth between her heels and toes.
“You’re our lucky charm, baby!”
The whole situation felt far from ‘lucky’ to Tara, but she didn’t care to argue the point at that moment in time.
The new nurse came over with the blanket and looked between them.
“Who is…?”
“Oh,” Willow replied a little breathlessly, feeling her heart sink and soar all at once, “Oh, Tara. Absolutely, Tara.”
She took a step back chivalrously and stood behind Tara so she could still crouch down close enough to touch Lily over Tara’s shoulder.
“We have to closely monitor her temperature to make sure she stays warm enough,” the new nurse explained, “Do your best to keep her in the position we put her in.”
Tara nodded diligently if a little impatiently also.
The nurse moved back to the incubator to aid Genevieve in wrangling all of the wires so Lily could be lifted out.
As Willow waited with bated breath, Tara looked up and tugged on Willow’s sleeve.
“Will you hold Emily’s hand? I don’t want her to feel alone.”
Willow felt more of the heart-sinking feeling this time.
“Oh. Yeah.”
She quickly tried to shake herself out of it.
“Yeah, of course.”
Her heart clenched as she watched Lily be lifted into the air, her first glimpse of her daughter not surrounded by plastic walls. Her eyes were strained from looking so hard, but she wouldn’t let Emily down and she quickly had her hand in there to touch her little face.
“Momma’s here,” she whispered, lost to the endless beeping of machines.
Tara’s eyes were also painfully strained as it all happened in slow motion. She watched her tiny baby, whom she’d known for minutes and forever all at once, be lifted into the air like an anointed one. She was gently cradled as she was brought toward Tara’s chest.
All of a sudden the slow-mo crashed into double time for Tara and there was a little warm bundle tucked between her breasts and a blanket wrapped around them both and finally, FINALLY, she was holding her baby.
She burst into tears which must have startled Lily because she did as well. As soon as that frail little wail hit Tara’s ears she felt a fullness in her breasts that hadn’t quite happened before and two big wet patches appeared right in front of the blanket.
Tara started to laugh through the tears and the gentle shake of her upper half seemed to soothe Lily, who settled down and started to nuzzle into this nice, new warm place. Her cheek rested on Tara’s breast and her lower lip smacked against the top.
Genevieve peered over to make sure Lily was sitting right.
“She smells your milk,” she said encouragingly to Tara, “And she’s seeking your nipple, that’s good. You can rub a little milk on her lips.”
Tara cautiously reached under her shirt to squeeze a little milk between her fingers, which she rubbed onto Lily’s mouth. She tried to suck on Tara’s finger, so Genevieve put her hand under Lily’s head from above the blanket and helped guide her more toward the nipple.
Lilly kept trying but her little mouth would fall away before completing the motion.
Genevieve just smiled at Tara.
“The coordination of her sucking, swallowing, and breathing isn’t quite there yet but we will do everything to facilitate getting both of them to a point where they can feed from you. In the meantime, you can keep expressing so they get your milk.”
Tara nodded; she was determined to do that.
“The doctor downstairs said I should talk to a lactation specialist to get a pump.”
“We’ll organize that,” Genevieve replied and nodded downward, “They’ll tell you this kind of contact is the best milk stimulation you can get.”
“No kidding,” Tara chuckled, actually enjoying the swollen sensation in her breasts.
“I’m going to replace the blanket so she doesn’t get wet,” Genevieve replied discreetly.
Five long feet away, Willow tried to stand on her tip-toes to see if she could get a better view but it was pretty futile.
“What’s she doing?” she called over a bit helplessly.
“Being,” Tara replied softly as her unbroken gaze remained downward, “Just being.”
Willow breathed softly. That was good enough for her, for now.
It was Tara, ultimately, who ended up faltering first and had to release Lily back to the incubator so she could return to her room to sleep, but only after several hours of feeling tiny baby breaths on her breast healing her soul.
She was so exhausted that Willow and the nurse had to lift her right into her bed from the wheelchair. Willow was glad; it lessened the trauma of having to leave the NICU for the first time.
She kissed Tara’s forehead and checked her watch.
She could get home to help JJ with his homework and play with Robyn for a bit if she left now. She gnawed on the corner of her thumb, caught between her two sets of children but decided to head homeward while she had the chance. Well, to her Dad’s house.
She got into the car and got her glasses from the glove compartment to stem the headache that had been pushing at the corners of her brain since the moment she realized Tara was stuck in the elevator.
Michelle’s car was, expectedly, in the driveway when she got to their house. Willow parked on the curb so her car wouldn’t block Ira’s space when he got home.
She knocked politely, though she did have a key to let herself in and out at some of the less sociable hours she’d been keeping.
Michelle answered it and smiled at her.
“Oh Willow. You’re home early.”
“I want to spend some time with the kids,” Willow explained as she stepped through, but noted the dishcloth hanging over Michelle’s shoulder, “But I want to help too. Can I make dinner or do dishes or something?”
Michelle smiled kindly toward the living room, where two familiar voices were having an exchange.
“You can go in there and do what you came home to do.”
“Thank you,” Willow replied and hugged Michelle for a moment, “We held Lily today. Well, Tara did.”
“Oh,” Michelle replied in surprise, holding up her hands to cover her mouth, “Darling, that’s wonderful. How was she?”
“Tara or Lily?” Willow asked with a quiet chuckle in her voice, “Tara was so happy to get up there to see them. It was just…killing her.”
Michelle nodded sympathetically.
“Anyway,” Willow continued, clearing her throat, “She wore herself out just staring. But Lily hung on so well. She maintained her temperature and heart rate. She’s really thriving.”
Michelle reached out and squeezed Willow’s upper arm.
“And how’s Emily?”
“…stable,” Willow said with a hint of sadness, “Which is great, incredible even. It’s just hard to see her so frail when…”
She stopped and shook her head.
“We just have to give her some time.”
Michelle hugged Willow again before turning to go back to the kitchen. Willow pulled herself together and approached the living room.
“Robyn you can’t grow up to be a dolphin,” JJ intoned patiently.
“Wy?” Robyn asked with an innocent cock of her head.
“Hey, kids!” Willow greeted enthusiastically as she walked into the living room with them.
JJ was sitting at the coffee table, half-doing his homework while conversing with Robyn as she lay on the floor wiggling about, but sat up happily when she saw Willow.
“Mom-mah!”
“Hi Momma,” JJ said in a rush, “Is Mom okay, are the babies okay?”
Willow came over and kneeled on the floor. She put a hand on his back.
“Yeah buddy, everyone is okay,” she said softly, and hugged Robyn when she crawled over, “Guess what you guys? Mom held Lily today. They do this thing called kangaroo care where you hold the baby close like a kangaroo does with a little joey.”
“‘woo care?” Robyn asked curiously.
“You wanna see how, Robbie?” Willow asked encouragingly, “Get your dolly.”
Robyn toddled off to pick her baby doll up from her small corner of toys. It was small but still took over a chunk of the room. Willow was reminded of how much they were taking over the house and how much she needed to bring them all back to their own.
Robyn presented her doll to Willow, who carefully laid it down like it was a real baby to undress it.
“See, first we have to strip them down to their diaper. The baby’s skin is on your skin and that makes them feel a lot better. Like how a hug makes you feel better. Take your top off, honey.”
Robyn gladly took the opportunity to whip her t-shirt off and though she was left in a little vest, Willow didn’t try to take that off. She had Robyn hold the doll to her chest and made a blankie with the discarded t-shirt.
“And then we make a little pouch with a blanket and get the baby all cozy inside!”
JJ looked over excitedly.
“Seahorses do that too! Except it’s the Daddy seahorse who hold the babies in their pouch,” he explained knowledgeably, then frowned, “I don’t know who does it if the baby seahorse has two moms. It doesn’t say in any of the books.”
Willow frowned a little too but tried not to show it.
“You wanna try, Jake?”
JJ nodded and took his top off too. Willow showed him how to hold the doll securely and how to keep the blanket in place.
“You have to make sure your arms are resting at the sides, otherwise it becomes too hard to keep them up,” Willow said, smiling as she remembered holding both Robyn and JJ like that when they were as many days old as the twins were now.
She’d known the curve of their little bodies so intimately. She only knew Lily’s hand that way, having stood for hours just to feel that tiny grip. Emily, she knew even less. Just the tiny length of her tinier arm or how her chest rose with assisted breath.
“Mom-mah, I be dol-fin when I gwowed?” Robyn asked and pulled Willow out of her thoughts by dropping into her lap and winding her for a moment.
Willow blinked several times and looked down at her daughter.
“Why do you want to be a dolphin?”
JJ was pulling his shirt back on beside them and rolled his eyes.
“Because I told her I wanted to be a marine biologist and she wants to be a dolphin so we can be together forever.”
“Aww!” Willow replied, squeezing Robyn and smiling at JJ, “Marine biologist is new.”
JJ’s eyes shone with the excitement of a new hobby that only childhood could bring.
“Gramps took us to the aquarium at the weekend!”
Willow felt a pang of guilt that she didn’t even know that. She did her best to conceal it.
“Did you guys have fun?”
She happily let both kids babble in her ear, a welcome relief to her own thoughts.
JJ had a few math questions left on his homework, which she was eager to help with and threw out some verbal problems for them both to fight over solving afterward. Despite the obvious discrepancy in knowledge, JJ whispered answers to Robyn and ‘let’ her win, which made Willow send him the proudest of smiles.
When Michelle called them to dinner, Willow hung back to give him a hug, which he folded into — not a given these days, but they were in private.
“You are the best big brother. Do you hear me?”
“Momma,” JJ groaned but was smiling.
Willow pulled away with a kiss to his temple, but he tugged her back by the hand.
“Momma?” he asked unsurely, “Can I see the babies again?”
Willow sat on the arm of the couch.
“Your sister is too little, I think,” she said with a frown, “It’s too scary. What did you think when we visited it before. Did it look scary?”
JJ shook his head.
“It just looked like my little sisters. They were all wiggly.”
Willow cupped JJ’s ears and gently pulled him in against her chest.
“I’m going to talk to the hospital and arrange something okay?”
She kissed the top of his head and stood with her arm around his back.
“Let’s go eat dinner. I think Grandma made spaghetti and meatballs. Sure smells like it, huh?”
“And garlic bread!” JJ replied enthusiastically.
They walked into the dining room, where Robyn was already enthusiastically slurping up spaghetti. Willow smiled at Michelle as she took a plate.
“Wow, eating dinner when it’s actually served. Feels like a banquet.”
“Ira called, he’ll be late home,” Michelle replied as she sat opposite them, “But he insisted we eat without him.”
“Save some garlic bread for Gramps,” Willow said when JJ started grabbing at it.
“I put a plate aside already,” Michelle said with an easy smile.
It all smelled amazing to Willow and tasted even better —
almost as good as Tara’s, even though Willow suspected they were working from the same recipe.
When everyone was finished, Willow was quick to jump up.
“Please let me clean up,” she said as she picked her plate up, “The kids will help, right kids?”
Both kids threw some side-eye and Willow noticed Robyn’s entire face was stained with sauce.
“Robbie, c’mon, I’m going to have to give you a pre-bath wash!”
“Sketti,” Robyn beamed a messy mouth from ear to ear.
“Come on,” Willow sighed, taking Robyn’s hand with her own.
JJ followed with his own plate and Willow decided to excuse him from wash-up but told him to get his Grandma whatever she wanted. Willow planted Robyn up on the counter beside the sink and wiped her mouth, to much protesting giggles. Willow found herself joining in on the giggles and dabbing Robyn in different places.
“Only one diagnosis: a real bath.”
“Mom-mee give bath?” Robyn requested while kicking her legs.
Willow stiffened and sighed.
“Baby, Mommy is still in the hospital. She has to get better before she comes home.”
Robyn smacked her lips together with a smile tugging at the corners.
“Wing wing?”
Shit Willow thought. She should have made sure to organize a call for the kids. She could try to call Tara now but her phone was undoubtedly dead without Willow there to remind her to plug it in.
“How about tomorrow morning before you go to daycare?” Willow offered gently.
Robyn’s face flickered with anger, then scrunched up entirely. Her fists banged on the counter.
“Mom-mee! NOW!”
Willow tried a reasoned tone.
“Robbie—whoa!” she barely got her daughter’s name out before she had to yank her hands out of the sink to grab Robyn as she jumped right off the high counter, “Hey! You don’t just jump off like that! You know that!”
Robyn twisted out of Willow’s hands and threw herself on the floor.
“Wan’ Mom-mee!” she wailed, kicking and screaming, “Wan’ Mom-mee!”
Willow got onto her knees and tried to reach out but Robyn slapped her away.
“NO!”
Willow spotted Michelle hover in the doorway and held up a hand.
“It’s okay, I’ve got it.”
She sat on the floor with her legs out and just waited, silently. It took less than a minute for Robyn to crawl, still crying, into Willow’s lap. Robyn reached down and grabbed a pacifier from her pocket, which she immediately began to suck on.
Willow brought her knees up and held Robyn in a hold, not unlike the one she’d watched Tara hold Lily in.
It made Willow’s eyes prick with tears.
“It’s not fair that Mommy and the babies aren’t with us. We’re missing part of our family.”
Willow had nothing else to say.
None of the parenting articles Tara had sent her ever covered something like this. She just cocooned Robyn between her chest and knees until she was calm again.
“Let’s go have a nice bath and read some stories.”
Robyn didn’t even take out the pacifier while she was being bathed and Willow didn’t try to make her either. It only took one story for Robyn to nod off, overcome by her emotional exhaustion.
Willow wished she had the same luxury. She quickly finished the dishes, grateful to feel like she wasn’t unloading everything on their parents, and returned to the living room where Michelle was knitting and JJ was explaining every basketball move in a game playing on the television.
Michelle seemed so enrapt and enamored with his sportscasting, Willow didn’t even suggest JJ change the channel.
“Is it okay if I head back to the hospital? Robyn is asleep.”
Michelle seemed surprised to see she’d entered the room and smiled softly.
“Of course, Willow.”
Willow smiled back and tapped JJ’s shoulder.
“Give me a hug,” she requested and JJ turned in his beanbag to give her one, “Brush your teeth and be good for Grandma?”
JJ’s eyes turned wide and he nodded quickly.
“I will. Right now!”
“When you go to bed, buddy,” Willow chuckled and ruffled his hair, “I love you and Mommy loves you. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
She stood again and offered a brief wave before heading out and to the door. Just as she pulled it open, it was being pushed on the other side and Ira stepped through the threshold.
“Oh, Dad. I was just heading out.”
Ira wrapped his large frame around Willow.
“I meant to be home earlier but good news, I can now take some personal leave! How is everyone?”
“Tara got to come up to the NICU and hold Lily,” Willow explained succinctly, “They both did really well.”
Ira’s hand covered his heart.
“And young Emily?”
Willow slowly frowned.
“Um, yeah…we just have to give her some time.”
Ira squeezed Willow’s upper arm.
“She’s a Rosenberg, it won’t take her long to catch up.”
Willow just nodded.
“Listen, Dad, I wanted to talk to you about your offer earlier,” she said, the words falling out of her mouth awkwardly, “It’s so generous. But it’s too much. I do need to get the kids home, though. I’m going to look into hired help.”
Ira dropped his briefcase and took Willow by both arms.
“Willow, please, allow us to do this for you,” he said emphatically, “I was not there for you when I should have been.”
Willow shook her head.
“You don’t owe this to me.”
“It is not about owing. You are a parent. Tell me you wouldn’t do this for your child,” Ira replied, looking straight into Willow’s eyes, “I’ve already put in for my leave. So I can sit at home and read my newspaper or I can be the kind of father you always deserved and help you through this. I know what my preference is.”
Willow swallowed.
“It’s not just you that I’d be asking.”
“It would be me too,” Michelle piped up quietly from the living room doorway and walked toward them, “Who also owes Tara a great deal for times forgotten. And would do this anyway because you’re our family, Willow.”
Willow’s shoulders sagged. It would alleviate so many of her worries.
“We’ll take it day-by-day, yeah? Hopefully, Tara will be home soon. And you have to promise you’ll tell me if it’s too much or not working for you? I can’t deal with any more drama.”
“We promise,” Michelle smiled and Ira nodded too.
Willow nodded gratefully, tearful.
“Okay. Thank you. We can figure it out tomorrow maybe.”
“Why don’t you let us move the children over and you just worry about coming and going from your own house instead of this one,” Ira suggested, “I won’t be working anyway.”
Some tears escaped from Willow.
“Thank you. I um…I should, uh…”
Ira stepped aside with a smile and Willow swiped at her eyes and said goodbye quickly.
She sat in her car for a minute or two, took off her glasses as the pressure on her head seemed to have lifted and driven straight back to the hospital. She could do the route in her sleep by now.
She checked in on Tara, who was still fast asleep, so Willow just made sure her phone was plugged in to charge, her arms weren’t cold and she had a glass of water next to her if she woke up thirsty.
With another little kiss to Tara’s forehead, she went back up to the NICU where she was buzzed in by Genevieve.
“Hello, again Willow. Back before shift change? Did you have some questions?”
“Yeah. One,” Willow replied, lifting herself onto her toes, “Is there any way possible that I could hold Lily?”
Genevieve looked at Willow sympathetically.
“As long as she doesn’t get upset.”
“Of course,” Willow nodded quickly, almost jumping on the spot.
Willow washed up in the sink thoroughly and said hello to Emily while Genevieve fetched a blanket. Willow had to unbutton the front of her shirt but she didn’t care if she had to sit there buck naked at that moment. A second nurse returned with Genevieve and carefully they did the transfer so Lily was sitting between Willow’s breasts.
Willow gasped as they were both wrapped in the blanket and she understood Tara’s fascination with just staring and feeling that little heartbeat against hers.
“Momma’s here,” she whispered as Lily’s hand blindly clawed and touched her, “I love you.”
The nurses smiled and left Willow alone to her time, though obviously staying close by.
Lily’s eyes opened, able to take the dim light of the nighttime NICU lighting and looked straight up at Willow, her eyes a pale hue of blue that already made Willow feel like she was looking at Tara.
Willow was captivated and didn’t break that gaze for a second.
After a few moments, she began to hum quietly, so quietly it almost couldn’t be heard at all, but she knew Lily heard her.
Willow had never felt more seen in her entire life.
“Hush, little baby, don't say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mockingbird…”