Okay, I'll be honest. In many ways, I am still processing. And I think I will be for a while. I will probably end up reading this whole thing again before the next update in order to facilitate the processing....erm...process. I think I just confused myself.



I find myself agreeing with many of the comments people have been making regarding the spell. There are many differences between the "old" Willow and the "new" Willow, but, really, not so many as one might think. I think the core Willow is there regardless. And I think Tara recognizes this...even if noone else does. But, then again, isn't it common for everyone EXCEPT Tara to miss the forest for the trees?



So, now we have a situation -- if the spell doesn't work, Willow remains as she is now. So, we have to ask, does Willow like the person she is? And that's a difficult question since she doesn't really have a memory of any other Willow to compare to. Since there is still "Core Willow" present, it seems to me that the rest of the gang shouldn't feel as if they have lost their Willow if the spell doesn't work. Willow is still there. It's her memories that are gone, right? Or am I reading that incorrectly? My thoughts then become rather critical of the gang at this point. If they are disappointed because they haven't gotten the "old" Willow back, memories and magical abilities intact, then what does that say about their feelings for the person? Maybe what was often implied is really true...they just needed her for her magic. Perhaps I'm a cynic. I don't know.



But, what happens if the spell does work? I would assume that we have a Willow full of memories--memories from the time before she closed the portal and memories from her current state of amnesia. How will those two sets of memories mesh? Will they mesh? Will they collide? And how will Tara deal with any potential fallout? So many questions.



It's interesting to see Willow and Tara, in a sense, falling in love again. This is obviously a new thing for Willow, even with the sense of familiarity she feels. But, is it new for Tara as well? She remembers falling in love the first time. She remembers the woman with whom she fell in love. Is the person she is re-falling in love with the same person? I mean, yes, the core Willow is still there...but there are certainly changes. More questions to ponder.



I will leave my ramblings there for the time being. I honestly don't know how much sense they made. Again, I'm processing. And I shall continue to process. And I'm sure more ramblings will be added here with each update--updates I am eagerly awaiting.



Thank you for sharing your talent.



Carleen

Tara was a bit worked up about Willow being late wasn't she? And she cast a locator spell, her thoughts about what her mother would say about that were great. I really feel for her situation, here she had this special romantic night planned and it was sort of ruined by Willow's lateness and Buffy's "3rd Wheelness". Although it was important that Willow and Buffy made up and it appears now that she and Tara have as well. I am guessing (and hoping) there will be time later for romantic dinners etc...

GayNow: Carleen, I like your processing...many interesting thoughts result.

Quote:

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I think the core Willow is there regardless. And I think Tara recognizes this...even if noone else does. But, then again, isn't it common for everyone EXCEPT Tara to miss the forest for the trees?

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Oh, yes...well put.



Spell work vs. doesn't work...so many good points here...so many, in fact that I'm gonna have to hush and say nothing, because I started a long reply, realized it was very slanted towards what happens in the next part, and figured it would be better to let the kittens just read the next bit instead of getting a spoiler here.



Falling in love again (forgive me if I break out into a Dietrich accent and croon)...you make yet another good point. Willow AND Tara are trying to find their way in this new relationship, not just Willow. We all know that Tara never stopped loving Willow, but there is still a period of adjustment and relearning of the person Willow is now. They're getting more and more comfortable with each other...a very good sign indeed.



You made a great deal of sense to me and I'm very happy you stopped by and left your thoughts. I'll try to answer what I can soon. Thanks so much.



Irishgrl3: Tara definitely freaked out, but she had the self-awareness to catch it and know she was overreacting. Romantic dinner was a no go, but I think they both mended some ties on their respective Buffy relationships, which was important too.







I have a short part ready to go for today. I have an appointment soon but I'll try to get it posted by tonight.



~Cyd

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

Disclaimer: Many rich people own BTVS and its characters...I am not one of them.



Summary: What happens when you lose yourself? (Altered timeline starting near the end of 'The Gift').



Rating: R



Feedback: Feel free to drop a line here. No posting this story elsewhere without my consent.

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Part 9: Not Alone





I sat, lotus position, on the wood floor of the training room. My hand was immersed in three inches of powered herbs and oil. The chant fell from my lips in semi broken, but accurate Latin…again.



Nothing happened…again.



Anya was bent over the sand squinting for something. I’m not sure she had any idea what. Then again, I didn’t either.



Buffy, Dawn, and Xander were in the front of the shop, but I could hear their whispers as they bumped into each other from the other side of the door.



Tara was sitting on a pile of mats a few steps away, biting her lower lip with a contemplative expression.



“Do it once more,” Giles directed gently, a tinge of worry in his voice.



I think I should have felt a hundred emotions. Where was the panic that I would never get my memories back? Why wasn’t I flailing helplessly in the water, reaching for the life preserver that was my past?



Where was the fear that I would always be inferior to a person I could never truly understand?



Why wasn’t I worried that I could never be restored to genuine factory grade Willow?



Where was the sadness of loss?



Where was the anger that should follow the unfairness? I saved the whole world…where was my reward?



Devoid of so many emotions, I should’ve felt empty and coldhearted. Instead I was calm. There seemed to be a warm ray of light shining on this discovery.



I had known after the first attempt. The link to that Willow was gone. There was no witch anymore. She was just someone to be scribed into a book and put on a shelf. The power was now nonexistent, wiped away just as my memories, but even more so as I felt that there was no possibility for its return.



Cleaning my hand off carefully with a handtowel, I tried to reconcile my quick acceptance. Perhaps somewhere deep within me I had already comprehended this realization. Or perhaps there was some solace in finding an answer…no matter on which side of the line it fell.



There was no super quickfix for my head. No one could wave a magic wand and put Humpty Dumpty back together again. And I guess that would have to be okay, fair or unfair, this was how it was…I could not revert but I could rebuild. Continue to rebuild on these modest foundations I have constructed.



I wondered if the rest of them would be so ready to accept what was lost.



Giles disbelievingly lifted the glasses from his nose and rubbed the knuckle of his index finger across a crease in his forehead. He pulled out a handkerchief and gave a quick halfhearted cleaning. This grand structure of my restoration lay to waste at his feet.



It was silent, as even Xander, Buffy, and Dawn entered the room and recognized this as a failure.



Part of me expected Anya to express her usual brand of levity to fracture the tension. Instead she gathered a hand sweep and collected the fine colored particles into bundles.



“Anya, what are you doing?” Giles beckoned as the glasses returned to his face.



“It’s a really bad idea to leave mystic symbols lying about on the floor for any demon, vampire, or bad sorcerer to come along and use,” she said, continuing her ministrations.



“We’re not done yet,” he responded.



“Yeah, we are,” I answered, standing up and brushing at my jeans. “It’s not…”



He cut me off. “Perhaps I have the incantation wrong. Let me check with my associates and we can try again in a few days.”



“No Giles,” I said firmly. “Thank you, so much for this, but it’s not there.” He nodded reluctantly, acknowledging the same revelation I already understood.



“I think I get it now. Maybe this was my price. The price of my actions that night.”



Tara stood from the mats with eyes glossy due to unshed tears. I went to her, propelled by a need to be at her side. I wanted her to say she wasn’t devastated. I desired to remove the guilt that had to be unnecessarily emanating from her body.



“But maybe I knew that all along. After all, some actions are worth the consequences.” My eyes never left Tara’s. Saving you was worth this. That was a truth vibrating through every fiber of my being.



She brushed my cheek and kissed me deeply, tenderly. For a brief second, there was no one else in the room. My heartbeat found such intensity, pounding so hard that I imagine she must have felt it in the space between us. Her hand moved to my waist, simply holding.



When there was something important to be said, Tara needed no words. I’m yours and you’re mine, Willow…no matter what…always. Her silent eloquence of lips, hands, and eyes told me everything I needed to hear. It gave me all the strength I needed to face anyone else.



I turned to the rest of them. Tara’s hand still holding my waist, a strong grip keeping us close. “I don’t want to continue down this path. Clinging to bits and pieces that I can’t get back. I know I am different than I was and…and I hope that you can learn to accept what I am now.”



Xander approached with his arms open wide, his heart as big as his goofy smile. “I can,” he whispered quietly as I took in his hug.



Dawn quickly added her arms with much gusto. “We love you Willow.”



“We do,” Buffy joined the hug, not as a protector of the people, but as a friend.



“I like you much better now,” Anya said, softly but matter-of-factly as she deposited the sand in a wastebasket.



I walked over to Giles who had backed away from the hug fest. I would probably never learn just how much painstaking labor he had dedicated to this cause. I wanted to say how much I appreciated his effort, how deeply it touched me. I thought about my parents, each of whom called and e-mailed once I found a way to contact them. They were still miles away, both in distance and in memory. Miles away in deserving a name like mother or father. He was not.



Somehow I must have communicated this anyway, as he touched my shoulder and smiled humbly.



In each of their own ways they were saying, You may never be the same again, but you will never be alone.

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

Edited by: hermitfish at: 4/1/05 5:33 pm

Ow, ow OW!!! That was great!!! Yes, yes... that was. Talk about short but WOW with the powerful'ness. Great update. I hope I don't sound like Mr. Repeato, but it's just that I like these, all of these. Anyhoo, I love it. Take you time updating, when you can. Just don't for get about us, . Take care. =)

Aaron

'Tarababy77'

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"Don't buy into all the media crap. Love yourself for who you are, not what others THINK you should look like. It's DEFINITELY more important in this life to love each other despite our imperfections." - Amber Benson

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Edited by: TaraBaby77 at: 4/1/05 6:09 pm

Dearest Hermitfish, it is I who must thank you profusely for sharing your stories. Truly, you must stop thanking me for reading and commenting. It's the least I can do when I'm touched so deeply by what you are managing to capture so well, so many times.



This was perfect, beautiful and just right. There are no other words to describe the uncanny progression of the story. Willow's realization and acceptance feel right, they feel real. After my last feedback I thought about why I was not 'feeling' the spell, and it was because you had done such a great job of portraying someone with memory loss that to fix it via a spell seemed too easy for me.

It certainly was a solution on the menu, what with this universe being a magical one, but it felt forced and out of place. Instead you give us a brand new Willow that is neither better nor worse than the old one. She is just new and that's okay.



Thanks again for such a wonderful update. I knew I had not misplaced my faith in you. Wherever you want to take this little tugboat, I will happily follow.





Safuega

(Um...this is a really long one, dear Kittens. Just want you to be prepared.)



Cyd~



Once again you have taken me to a place where I can dip myself in the warmth that is wonderful storytelling. Yes, this was a short update when taking the length of previous chapters into consideration. However, this does not mean that the emotions, thoughts or actions were fewer. You have a wonderful way of saying so very much with few words. Bravo!



You've managed to answer many of the questions I posed in my earlier response to your story. Specifically, the following:

Quote:

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if the spell doesn't work, Willow remains as she is now. So, we have to ask, does Willow like the person she is?

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I see the answer to this question in this particular passage:

Quote:

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I think I should have felt a hundred emotions. Where was the panic that I would never get my memories back? Why wasn’t I flailing helplessly in the water, reaching for the life preserver that was my past?



Where was the fear that I would always be inferior to a person I could never truly understand?



Why wasn’t I worried that I could never be restored to genuine factory grade Willow?



Where was the sadness of loss?



Where was the anger that should follow the unfairness? I saved the whole world…where was my reward?



Devoid of so many emotions, I should’ve felt empty and coldhearted. Instead I was calm. There seemed to be a warm ray of light shining on this discovery.

---

To me (and I could be decidedly wrong), this shows that Willow does like who she is now--regardless of not truly knowing who she was prior to closing the portal. She has glimpses of who she was through Tara and her friends, but she doesn't truly know. Again, she has only "core Willow" to guide her. And, for Willow, that is enough.



But, then, it isn't enough, is it? More than having "core Willow"--her foundation--she has Tara. Tara is the constant, the rock. Tara is Willow's always--both pre- and post-portal.

Quote:

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She brushed my cheek and kissed me deeply, tenderly. For a brief second, there was no one else in the room. My heartbeat found such intensity, pounding so hard that I imagine she must have felt it in the space between us. Her hand moved to my waist, simply holding.



When there was something important to be said, Tara needed no words. I’m yours and you’re mine, Willow…no matter what…always. Her silent eloquence of lips, hands, and eyes told me everything I needed to hear. It gave me all the strength I needed to face anyone else.



I turned to the rest of them. Tara’s hand still holding my waist, a strong grip keeping us close. “I don’t want to continue down this path. Clinging to bits and pieces that I can’t get back. I know I am different than I was and…and I hope that you can learn to accept what I am now.”

---

Willow has reached a calming point--acceptance and contentment. I believe this is solidified after Tara's reaction to the "failed" spell. With Tara by her side (literally holding Willow's waist and figuratively holding Willow's heart), Willow can accept who she is. And I don't think it's coincidence that Willow says to the rest of the gang that she hopes they "can learn to accept what [she] is now." She'd like this to happen. But what really matters is that Tara accepts what/who she is now. Beautiful.



The reaction of the rest of the gang warms my heart and redeems them in my eyes. Again, we are taken to the core of who these people are--who they were before the Master, Mayor Wilkins, Adam, Glory--friends. Yes, it can be just that simple. And that is comforting.



IMHO, the relationship most influenced by these events is Willow's and Anya's. We had nearly 3 seasons of watching Anya strive for a sense of humanity that she seemed to have lost over 1000 years. The turning point for her, in my eyes, came during "The Body" when she professed that she didn't understand why Joyce was dead. By that time, however, the dynamic between Anya and Willow had been set and it was difficult to alter. This turn of events, however, gave Willow and Anya the opportunity to reintroduce themselves to each other.

Quote:

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“I like you much better now,” Anya said, softly but matter-of-factly

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They found a sense of humanity in themselves and each other that seemed to be previously undiscovered. Thus, they are able to connect. Again, beautiful. I like Anya much better now, as well.



And, yet, sweet Cyd, you've managed to leave me with more questions. Well done. I wonder now if Willow will regain her memories through other means--whether intentional or not. And if she does, then the questions I posited in my earlier response still apply. However, I worry less about the effects this would have on Willow's relationship with Tara. Regardless, it's clear that their souls are entwined, fused, if you will, and memories or no memories, that will not change. Willow's magic is apparently gone. But, should she regain her memories, will she regain her magic? Is this a test by TPTB? Again, so many questions. So delightful.



Thank you for attending to my ramblings. I'm in between teaching jobs at the moment, so responding to creative works in this venue is cathartic for me. I appreciate your patience. I look forward now to the question "Where do we go from here?"



Still processing and eagerly awaiting an update.



Carleen

Gooooood... That was pretty much my initial reaction to the spell not working. It did surprise me that appearantly there's no magic left in Willow at all however. That might be why the spell didn't work, good thing Willow has declared she doesn't want to retry it anyway.



Curious that everybody now seems very accepting of newWillow. Minutes before the spell-attempt most of them were in favour of trying to restore oldWillow. That includes Tara, by the way. I wonder if Tara is truly happy with the current status for herself. She'll support Willow in anything she decides of course, but I her life would be a bit easier if oldWillow was back.



On the positive; they now get to fall in love again . Since Willow's situation is more or less permanent/long-term healing they can concentrate more on making Tara feel ok. Poor woman must have a hell of time these last couple of weeks . Besides, some of Willow's memories will probably return in months anyway. Pamper Tara I say!



Interesting that Willow could determine/feel that there was no more magic inside her. After all, based on which memories would she decide how that feels ?? .



Grimmy

--
"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

Goodness... I'm sorry for the lateness of this feedback...it's been a pretty strange week for me I hadn't even had a chance to read this until now...*grumbles...stupid real life stuff...* anyway... I really liked this update... I could really feel the support Willow was receiving from everyone involved.. maybe the spell working or not working wasn't really the point ... She did gain something after-all...she gained the knowledge that the people around her really do care about her....and that's worth more than anything else....even her memory. Her memory will just have to be attained naturally i guess.



great update cyd...and once again....sorry for the lateness...you know I love your stories...



xoxo

Emms

To the smut! ~ Me

Hello Kittens-



Late with feedback, I fear, and little enough of it. I simply am in awe of the mature, reasonable, and accepting Willow you have written. The Scoobies are wonderful. Then there's Tara, facing the loss of the Willow she knew, supporting the Willow she has now, and knowing both Willows thinking she was worth it and accepting that judgement.



Her future may bring so much but the now has laid a foundation of trust and love that can meet it face on.



Thank you,



Jixer

Wow, that was a powerful chapter... So much emotion in the air yet everyone was so calm. It's funny that Giles seemed the most agitated by the the fact it didn't work. Acceptance is good and now they can move forward. I loved the line, (actually I loved many but I can't quote them all) but this one really stuck with me;

Quote:

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"In each of their own ways they were saying, You may never be the same again, but you will never be alone."

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Great job!

-anna

Edited by: Irishgrl3 at: 4/4/05 2:21 pm

TaraBaby77: Hi Aaron...Forget about the kittens? Are you kidding? I find myself thinking about my stories and all the great feedback WAY too often. But am I cutting back? Heck, no. Your more than welcome to be Mr. Repeato if you keep praising me so greatly. By the way, does that title come with a cape? Take care, be safe.



Safuega: See the thing about your feedback that I love which causes me to do that thing you asked me not to do anymore is how in tune you are with what I'm trying to express.



The spell was too easy, it was out of place with the previous flow...I think that's why there was such an outcry of worry over it. I'm glad that Willow's realization and acceptance did fit into the flow...that was something I was interested in synching.

Quote:

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Instead you give us a brand new Willow that is neither better nor worse than the old one. She is just new and that's okay.

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Absolutely what I was going for. Good to see your faith intact and have you still merrily along for the ride.



GayNow: Hey Carleen...that really was long, perhaps longer than the update...but absolutely great. It takes no patience on my part to respond to feedback (rambley or otherwise). I love reading what people are thinking, it helps me more than I can adequately express. So I'm all for long feedback.



You're right on this - Willow is comfortable with this 'new' version of herself. She's never disliked what she is now...she's just sometimes been worried that she couldn't live up to who she used to be, especially if that led to Tara not loving her anymore.



But Tara does love her no matter what and shows it everyday in the simplest but most meaningful of ways. So Willow's doubts about losing Tara have evaporated. 'Hoping' the others could accept her was fairly intentional...Willow would be hurt if they couldn't but she still had Tara and she knew that that would be enough regardless.



Luckily the gang is showing that togetherness quality that makes them so special. I, too, like the makeover of the relationship between Anya and Willow. I've been really happy with how well it has been received also.



Thanks so much for your insight.



Grimlock72: Hey Grimmy. I think the gang wanting to restore oldWillow was not because they couldn't accept newWillow but because they truly wanted to help her. They would still probably help her look for a mystical cure if she wanted that, but Willow expressed how she didn't want to continue down this path and they could respect her wishes. She’s still special enough that they want her to be a part of her life.



Sure it would have been easier for Tara if Willow got her memories back. I think as much as she wanted them back for Willow's sake, she also wanted them back for herself. But Tara isn't afraid to take the harder road especially now that it is clear that Willow wants her on that road together. It has been hell for the both of them...I'll see what I can do on the pamper subject.



I think Willow's determination about her lack of magickal ability is more instinctual than anything else. Not the first time she has just had a sense of something that has been true or related to her knowledge of her old self. I think the mystically knowledgeable of the lot of them saw this too...Giles, Tara, and perhaps Anya. That's why they didn't deny what she said. Granted that might not be the case, but is a very possible reason for the spell not to work.



MissKittys Ball O Yarn: Emms, hun, you're not late to the update...there's always a place reserved for you. I am sorry the big bad world is being mean though. Is there anything I can do? Kind words? Semi expensive chocolates? Updates? Hmm...I bet there's this 'other' story you'd like to see an update on...what if try really hard to update both stories by this weekend? Will that put a smile on your face?



A true understanding of the support around her is what she gained. I think it’s the first time Willow has thought about what would happen if she never gets her memory back. What she finds is Tara by her side and her friends doing whatever she needs to be happy. A very comforting realization.



jixer: Jixer...you do know that it doesn't matter how short or late (it's not really!) your feedback is because I enjoy it so.

Quote:

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Then there's Tara, facing the loss of the Willow she knew, supporting the Willow she has now, and knowing both Willows thinking she was worth it and accepting that judgement.

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Indeed. Lovely and well put. Thanks so much.



Irishgrl3: Hi Anna...so glad you liked the chapter

Quote:

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So much emotion in the air yet everyone was so calm. It's funny that Giles seemed the most agitated by the fact it didn't work.

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Well, I think Giles was the firmest believer that it would work...it was sort of strange to have him show any emotion while everyone else was expressing their own rather understatedly. I think they were treading lightly because they didn't want to give Willow the impression that their devastation that the spell didn't work reflected some sentiment for her as a person, currently. Thanks so much.









I'm taking a couple of mental health days away from real life and I plan on working on both RS and this one. If all goes well then both may have updates by the end of the weekend. No promises but much love to the kittens until then.



~Cyd

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

Hey-



Wanted to let you know how much I've been enjoying this story. I am really intrigued by the alternate season 6 universe in which Willow loses her memory through magic. Definitely a cool parallel with what actually happened on the show. Also, your writing style is very good. I really like the way you've written the characters, they feel very similar to BtVS canon and tone. Looking forward to more.



~ringwaldoeuvre

Ooooo Cyd! Semi-expensive chocolates?... be still my beating heart... well....at any rate...I guess it's better than chocolates from....I don't know.....the Dollar Store or somewhere equally lovely ...



and yes....an update to both your wonderful stories would make me happy. There's one in particular that you have been neglecting....I don't think I need to say more.... you know which one I'm talking about...





xoxo

Emms

OMG so I think I like what you did with her NOT just magically recovering almost better then if you had just made it all better. I never really thought that there would be another option, but this...this was amazing! Definately glad you made it this way. It's for the better for sure.

"Heaven's not a place that you go when you die...it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive"

Hey all...a few replies and then update time....



ringwaldoeuvre: I'm glad you're enjoying. I try to give the characters some resemblance to their canon counterparts while allowing myself some artistic freedom to play around in their heads, feelings, and actions for whatever situation there in. Thanks so much for the critique...I appreciate it very much.



MissKittys Ball O Yarn: Emms...heehee...semi expensive chocolate...I think that's a reflection of my brokeness combined with my cheapness. I could spring for the really good stuff, and I probably should now that I've been blindsided by some revisions I have to do that will eat up the rest of my weekend, making an update for that fic, you know the slightly neglected one, impossible. I hope you can forgive a poor, overworked kitten...but this update is done and up next.



stillrunning: I'm glad you liked where I went with that...thanks so much for the thumbs up.

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

Part 10: As It Should Be



Willow and Tara arrived home some time later courtesy of a slayer escort. As the door shut, Miss Kitty lifted her head from the cushy top of the sofa in a huff that heavily blamed them for interrupting her ten-hour nap.



Tara petted the grumpy cat as the black and white fluffball sniffed the new and funny smelling contraption replacing her cast. The cat hopped off the furniture and then began the age old ritual for sucking up to get dinner, which basically meant brushing up against Tara’s legs a few times and meowing cutely.



“I meant to ask about that,” Willow said, gesturing at her hand.



“Much physical therapy to come, but aligned correctly.” Tara replied as she dumped a healthy portion of kibble into the small blue bowl. The cat ignored the two women as she scampered away to the food, no longer needing to be an adorable beggar.



“So,five fully fixed freely functioning fingers?” Willow quirkily asked as she ascended the staircase towards the bedroom.



“Five fully fixed freely functioning fingers in the finite future.” Tara agreed as she watched the redhead scuttle to the upper level. She put away the bag and heard the shower cut on from above.



All in all it had been a pretty jarring night. First pulled to one extreme, where Willow could be healed. Then pushed back towards the other end where she was still without all her memories.



But being with Willow tonight had all been worth it…because a healing of sorts did occur. She watched the shadow of what had been forgotten stop eclipsing the redhead. She watched a woman stand up for who she is and defend herself. It made her damn proud.



Tara could learn to reconcile the losses. When Willow tried to evoke that spell the first time, Tara knew that something had changed. The tingle she usually felt when the redhead formerly cast was missing…it had scared her for a moment.



Magick and their relationship had always been connected. It was why they met, one typical day at a Wicca meeting. It was what gave Tara the courage to seek her out in the night of the Gentlemen. When they moved the cola machine to barricade the door, it was why the redhead saw part of her for the first time. Their budding friendship had been built around spells and late night magick talk. It had been the core of something so much bigger – their love.



Tara had fallen in love so quickly, never expecting Willow to feel that too. When the redhead reciprocated those thoughts she had been trying so hard to contain, she thanked every deity for bringing someone to her to share both connections with, the love and the magick.



Even as Willow became more adept and surpassed her abilities, the blonde had no jealousy or envy. Tara knew what she wanted more than power and spells and would gladly choose the fiery witch every time.



Then those two things, which had never been separated from each other in her mind, suddenly did when the ritual failed. So...she felt scared.



Then Willow did what she does best…made her feel like the most cherished person on the planet. Tara needed that reassurance tonight. Willow confirmed to her that what they had as a couple didn’t depend on magick, nor was their love a side effect of floating roses and tinkerbell lights. She was telling the blonde that she could be happy as long as they were together. And while it maybe wasn’t everything that Tara wanted, it was well more than enough.



As the blonde witch ascended the stairs she heard the squeak of the faucet knobs closing off the spray of hot and cold water. There were still some innate habits in that woman, such as short, water-conserving showers. Willow had once made a graph showing total water savings if everyone in Sunnydale cut three minutes off of their showers. After a five-minute presentation, Tara readily offered to shower with Willow to cut out her own usage.



Of course what resulted lasted a heck of a lot longer than either of their normal showers combined, but that was one of those moments that the Sunnydale Water Co. couldn’t put a price on. It was a passionate fiery need that water did little to quench.



That passion was still there, as they learned each other once again, it was just not the first need in their progression. They had each needed safety when they first tumbled from the ground zero of their ordeals. Even over two months later, they each still sought the arms of the other when a nightmare pushed them back into the fear they were trying so hard to overcome. There was much comfort in that…having someone who had such a power of healing that they wanted…needed so deeply. Having the knowledge that there was someone who could fill that space that every person calls 'mine' and trusting that this was the person to make it 'ours' with.



Tara reached the bedroom, grabbing the door handle, but finding it locked. Willow squeaked out a, “Wait, wait, wait.” Tara internally shrugged but stood still.



When the door finally cracked open a sliver, Tara could only see the side of a cute pale nose and a green eye.



“What are you doing, Will?” Tara asked quietly for some reason, recognizing that she was up to something.



“Feeling stupid right about now,” was the muttered response from inside the room.



“Why?” When no reply was immediately given she asked again.



“Um, you know when you think you have a really good idea and you don’t even think twice about it until you’ve already done whatever the idea was and then you think this was a really bad idea but you can’t think of a way to get out of it because you already overthought everything.”



“Will, can I come in?” the blonde asked as she lightly pressed on the door. It further gave way as the computer genius stepped back.



As she took in the appearance room, Tara’s quick inhalation was the only betrayer of her otherwise passive face.



The fairy lights and deeply colored sheets acting as tapestries were strung around the room. Incense and candles wafted scents and glowing light, casting shadows here and there. Tara wondered when she had found the time to do all this and how perfectly she had transformed a formerly sterile room into something so sensual. “When did you…” She lost the rest of that sentence as her eyes swayed over the other woman.



Willow was not wearing her normal cotton cartoon pajamas but a silky black slip that look poured onto her lithe frame. Her hair was still slightly wet, the ends curled and waved by the moisture. Her green eyes danced around the room, as if ordering everything into place with her mind. She was biting the inside of her lip and trying not to look like she was gauging Tara for a reaction.



“I have a little confession,” Willow started, bringing her thumb and index finger into a tiny pinching gesture to represent the insignificance. “I sorta didn’t have an appointment with Dr. Jacobs today.”



Tara’s stomach flipped merrily before picking up on what was bothering her sexy girlfriend and plummeting. “You thought we would…celebrate after tonight. When you had your memories back and we…”



“No!” Willow vehemently denied, shocking both of them with the loudness of the word. “I wanted to prove it didn’t matter to me, memories or no memories. I just wanted you to know that…either way.” Willow’s face scrunched up as if she was frustrated with the way her words were coming out. She turned away to face the wall and try to compose herself.



Tara knew what she was saying, even as the redhead fumbled for it. I’ve fallen for you all over again too, love. It took no courage to do what she did next - her shirt, skirt, and sandals fell to a puddle beside her on the floor. She reached her hand to Willow’s shoulder, turning her slowly but firmly.



“You’re beautiful,” Willow whispered as she outlined warm curves with her eyes.



Tara gave a lop sided grin and pulled her closer, body to body. She grazed her lips by the redhead earlobe and answered, “You say that every time.”



Willow lifted her fingers to the witch’s ribs, fluttering over sensitive skin. “Well, it must be the truth then…memory be damned.”



Tara giggled, squirming away from the tickle onslaught before starting one of her own. They maneuvered in and out of each attack before finally they both dragged the other towards the bed, flopping down together in the center, side by side, in a fit of unrestrained laughter.



As the silliness subsided, one reverent finger began tracing Tara’s brow, down her nose, across her cheeks and chin before ending on her full lips. The blonde kissed the digit as she met piercing green eyes.



“Willow.” Her voice quavered, desire filling the name…the only name that ever made her feel that way. She took the finger resting on her lip, running her tongue across it before sucking gently. Green eyes closed and a trembling breath filled the air as one wave of desire merged with another.



Tara turned on her back as she removed the last superfluous scraps of clothing that remained on her body. Willow began again mapping her skin with that single finger coated in saliva, taking her time to learn and caress every inch.



Writhing on the sheets below her, Tara somehow managed to not rush how her lover wanted to explore.



By the time the redhead reached the place Tara needed her most, it took only the simplest touch inside for her to become completely tense, the climax taking them both by surprise in timing and force as she fell over the edge.



When she felt herself come back from a hazy bliss, Tara pulled Willow up from the chosen resting place of her stomach, kissing her in a way that was completely and utterly thorough.



Both were panting heavily as the blonde lifted the slip away from her pale body and feasted on the tender neck of her lover as her uninjured hand took a much faster journey than her counterpart’s had seconds before.



Passion comes in many forms…many ways, but when it is true it is the most intense feeling no matter how long it lasts. Some are glanced by true passion for only one brief moment in a lifespan. A few lucky souls know passion as everlasting.



As Willow erupted under the blonde’s demanding touch, she knew she was one of the lucky. She cried a mantra of devotion in loud repetition as she was consumed and renewed at the same time.



“I love you. I love you. I love you.”



Tara’s only response was to kiss her hard one last time and take away the breath to speak. She used that breath to murmur her reply as tears streamed down her face, “I know.” Willow’s eyes had tracks of their own, running down her face and splashing unabashedly on her chest.



These were not tears of relief or pain or sadness, but of profound joy.



Together they were more powerful than the magick…than the memories.



They had both strayed from their path, obscured by tricks of light and unseen forks in the road.



But nothing would ultimately stop them from finding each other.



Because whenever something is lost, if it is sacred enough, it can always be found once more.

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

What a beautiful update. Awww, that was great. Willow being sly by making up the doctors appointment. And what a surprise for Tara when she saw the room all decorated, just for her. But, it could have been said any better...

Quote:

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Because whenever something is lost, if it is sacred enough, it can always be found once more.

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Anyhoo, great update. Please update soon. Take care. =)

Aaron

'Tarababy77'

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"Don't buy into all the media crap. Love yourself for who you are, not what others THINK you should look like. It's DEFINITELY more important in this life to love each other despite our imperfections." - Amber Benson

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Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa



*catches breath* Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa



*wipes noses* Everyone should experience true passion.







Thank you giving us this endearing chapter. It touches me right here *points to heart*

Continuous Train of Thought

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terra

Cyd, this was absolutely beautiful. I neglected to leave you feedback on the last update, but I found myself agreeing with Anya...I like this new Willow, unburdened by the need to prove her worth, not getting so wrapped up in the magic that she loses sight of what's important. Seeing them both come to the same conclusion (that memories or no, they love and need each other), and then reconnecting, well, I'm just full of warm mushy feelings tonight. Thank you!



-Cam

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What should I be but just what I am? - Edna St.Vincent Millay

I read Part 9 just after you posted but was in a hurry to get to the airport. How nice to come back from a week away to find another update!



First, Part 9. How I admire Willow for facing the truth, that the old Willow is gone, the magic is gone, but Tara is still there with her.



I found it gratifying that it was Anya who first realized that the spell did not work, as much as I was worried about Giles' non-acceptance. I guess Willow has always been a sort of apprentice (for want of a better word) of Giles, and her losing her magic affected him more than he expected. Glad of the final scene though, that the Scoobs are still there for our Will.



Then, Part 10. And Tara's realization that though magic was the catalyst for their meeting and early relationship, her love for a Willow without magic doesn't waver. I do feel for her when she admits to herself that she felt scared when she couldn't feel the magic of the failed spell, hopefully the fear can dissipate soon.



The image of Tara's broken hand and its slow healing process has, to me, a parallel in Willow's lost memories and its slow healing, or rather the slow process of Willow re-integrating into her old life.



I chuckled at Willow's water saving ways, and Tara's recollection of when they tried to save water but ended up allowing their passions to take over. And of course to their passion, how wonderful to see that it still burns as strong as ever. Willow in a

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silky black slip that look poured onto her lithe frame

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Tara

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took no courage to do what she did next - her shirt, skirt, and sandals fell to a puddle beside her on the floor

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Their re-connection, the way it

Quote:

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took only the simplest touch inside for [Tara] to become completely tense, the climax taking them both by surprise in timing and force as she fell over the edge.

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was so very touching, and so real.



This feels like the end, or near the end. I don't know why, I hope it isn't. I do feel like there's closure, and if this were the end, I'm happy. Thank you, Cyd.

------

quiet thoughts

That was a truly beautiful chapter. Your words touched my heart. I could feel the love between Willow & Tara. Thanks so much.





Christina

Would I be out of line if I said that this is a great ending? It certainly feels like that to me. I do not know where you want to take this story or if indeed you plan to take it further than this, it's your story and I am happy to just tag along, but after reading this update I was left with the feeling that we were at a journey's end.



Having said that let me tell you once more the reasons why your writing is so affecting. It is so fitting that this installment should be in Tara's voice. It makes perfect sense for her to be the one to 'mourn' the lost Willow. After all it has been Tara who has been the keeper of their memories, except that now Tara has been freed to let go of those memories, by none other than Willow.



It is also a clever twist in this story to have Tara be the one afraid of the absence of magic. But since you started your story at a point in cannon where there were no magic related problems, it makes sense for Tara to be the one to wonder whether their love was inextricably bound to their magic. Instead you gives us a magic-free and better alternative: their love was and is deeper that any magical connection.



Then as if this wasn't enough you have Willow be the one to initiate their lovemaking, and to be the one that with her touch reminds Tara of their love. It is beautiful in its simplicity how you capture the fact that Willow's 'memory' of her love for Tara was not just lodged in her damaged brain. By having Willow be the one to love Tara first you show us that the mind may not remember but the body and the heart do.



That's all I have to say but before I'm off I'd like to quote back the parts in this update that I though you did an especially great job of creating beautiful imagery with your words. If you must know, and I think you should, this ability is what I love most about your writing.

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That passion was still there, as they learned each other once again, it was just not the first need in their progression. They had each needed safety when they first tumbled from the ground zero of their ordeals. Even over two months later, they each still sought the arms of the other when a nightmare pushed them back into the fear they were trying so hard to overcome. There was much comfort in that…having someone who had such a power of healing that they wanted…needed so deeply. Having the knowledge that there was someone who could fill that space that every person calls 'mine' and trusting that this was the person to make it 'ours' with.

---

Quote:

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Passion comes in many forms…many ways, but when it is true it is the most intense feeling no matter how long it lasts. Some are glanced by true passion for only one brief moment in a lifespan. A few lucky souls know passion as everlasting.



As Willow erupted under the blonde’s demanding touch, she knew she was one of the lucky. She cried a mantra of devotion in loud repetition as she was consumed and renewed at the same time.

---

Quote:

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They had both strayed from their path, obscured by tricks of light and unseen forks in the road.



But nothing would ultimately stop them from finding each other.



Because whenever something is lost, if it is sacred enough, it can always be found once more.

---

Thank you for a yet another lovely and beautifully written update.



Safuega

The two updates are wonderful, the bedroom scene especially. Why does it feel like an ending? If it is, that's okay. This story has been beyond terrific.



Thank you.

_________________



"She has illusion, and you have reality. May you find your way as pleasant." -- The Cage

This is not feedback replies, but I did notice a pattern of question as I skimmed over them so...



There is one more update, an epilogue of sorts, which I hope to get done soon. I didn't intend to be secretive, I just forgot to mention it before the last update.



~Cyd

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

Those were both very profound updates, saying a lot as far as Willow's understanding of herself and of her feelings for Tara.



The last, I felt, was especially beautiful, with Willow knowing how she felt and then doing that to show Tara how she feels about her. That was amazing how you showed how they could come back around to their feelings, though the road was rocky, and memories be damned.



Great job!



Wimpy

"There was plenty of magic." ~ Tara

What?No not almost The End!!?? There's only one update left?? Cyd...all that stuff I said about it not mattering if Willow gets her memory back...and how the important thing is that she knows her friends will stand by her no matter what...all that blah blah blah...well it was horrible advice on my part! You should pay no mind to the comments that I make...cause what I meant to say was... Yes indeedy Willow must get her memory back!...and it should take many more updates to do it!



okay... *deep breath* I feel better now...



hehe...sorry about the little outburst.



now that I have my wits about me... I can safely say that this update was amazing....And they're finally together..



Once again...wonderful Update Cyd.





xoxo

Emms (your non-stalkery type fan)

To the smut! ~ Me

TaraBaby77: Hi Aaron...thanks for the niceness.



terra21: Endearing part, huh? Now I'm sighing too...thanks so much for that.



tarawhipped: Hi Cam...I like this Willow myself, for all the reasons you mentioned, and it's probably why I've enjoyed writing this characterization so much. And mushy is good...everybody needs mushy on occasion...except for mushy carrots because those are just gross. Thanks.



hidden watson: Hey Watson...there is a parallel between the healing hand and the healing relationship...you're being all intuitive and stuff. Stop that! Seriously, I appreciate the commentary immensely. You are, however, sensing the end because I've addressed just about everything that I wanted to.



cperrins78: Aww Christina...you're making me blush and, well, I have no problem with that. Thanks.



Safuega: Wow, your feedback continues to blow me away. Tara's voice was the only way I thought to go there, being that she's really the only one who understands what is missing, both in terms of memory and magick. Willow initiating the lovemaking seemed important to me...it solidified everything she feels and wants to share with Tara. You're much too good for my ego...thanks.



CaptMurdock: Thanks for the input...muchly enjoyed Capt.



wimpy0729: Indeed..sometimes rocky roads can change to smooth paths...especially for love like W&T's. But profound? Wow thanks...although if anything can be said with that descriptor is that sometimes realization is profound in its simplicity.



MissKittys Ball O Yarn: You do know that I fell in the floor reading your outburst...luckily for me no memory loss was sustained (well not from that anyways). I guess this is, however, unfortunate for you since there is still only one update remaining. Don't cry my non-stalkery but extremely charming Emms, while this story may end, I'm not done writing just yet.







The last part should be finished in a day or two.



Until then,

~Cyd

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

Disclaimer: Many rich people own BTVS and its characters...I am not one of them.



Summary: What happens when you lose yourself? (Altered timeline starting near the end of 'The Gift').



Rating: R



Feedback: Feel free to drop a line here. No posting this story elsewhere without my consent.

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Epilogue – In This Our Life





FIVE YEARS LATER





I admit it…I was embarrassed.



It’s not everyday you respond to the miracle of creation with a header to the floor.



I remembered looking at Tara on my way down, her eyes got big…not in the ‘oh, Goddess I’m worried’ way but more in the incredulous ‘you have got to be kidding me’ way. Instinctively, she wanted to head towards me, but needless to say, she was busy. I waived her off with a mumble from the carpet, “I’m a-okay baby.”



Buffy dragged me out of the room after that because it was supposed to be as low stress as possible and I managed to do my best impression of a binge night freshman without the prerequisite vomiting on someone’s shoes.



So then I sat on the sidelines with Anya, who had been kicked out of the birthing room because Tara wanted to keep it quiet and the ex-demon couldn’t stop reminiscing about the good old days of disemboweling lore.



“Will, she calling for you, ya’ know…?” Xander half-stated, half-asked as he walked at of the bedroom with his face scrunched up. “Why did you guys decide to do this here anyways? Many townships in the settlement now include these things called hospitals…even for, you know, that.” His face scrunched up again. “I would have even driven everyone in this nifty invention called a horseless carriage.”



“Shut up, Xander.” I replied, even as I wondered about that myself. Hospitals are all clean and sanitary for a reason. Our house, even after spring cleaning, never has that isopropyl alcoholy smell.



But Tara said that comfortable was important during this time, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s to trust her implicitly.



After all, a little love and trust had brought us so far. We moved in together to our first shoebox of an apartment that late summer after my injury. We were broke, cramped, and crazy happy. I worked at the Magic Box with Anya and we both spent time in the Scooby Apocalyptic Research Squad when needed. It was not our life though. We didn’t patrol; I never learned to reuse a crossbow…only to carry a mini water pistol of holy water and a cross. Yet the world didn’t end or even come close…okay except maybe that once…but all and all not bad for a little town on the mouth of Hell.



That winter, after a semester of Computer Science classes that were interesting but not what I wanted, I made a heavily planned change to Anthropology while Tara continued on in Social Work. A handful of papers, exams, and long nights not engaged in our preferred late night activities, we both had degrees.



She went to work full time at a community outreach center, supporting me through my advanced degree. A couple of years later, I found my way to a teaching podium at the community college, where I still roam these days. When I'm ready to take the next step and get my doctorate, I know she'll be there for me too.



With two full time paychecks and a wish to live without neighbors on all sides of our walls, we bought a house. A smallish three bedroom in a good neighborhood where Buffy patrols in between late night pizza parties and our official weekly movie night. When she’s not protecting the world, nagging Dawn at UCLA, or stuffing her face, she works as a library assistant at the new high school with Giles, who resumed his former title.



Anya and Xander got hitched in the fall after Glory’s demise amidst the russet and yellow colored leaves of the municipal park. It was a small affair, just us family folks invited. We were spared both the blood larvae and burlap or sacred entrail ensembles but ended up in fall colored numbers that shimmered between a dark brown orange to a color that ‘fluorescent orange’ doesn’t seem to be a harsh or accurate enough descriptor. They really weren’t too bad if the camera caught you at just the right angle of the sun to avoid the traffic cone look. Needless to say, I took stacks and stacks of digital pictures and dumped the heinous ones without the bride or groom knowing. Now, they live a few blocks away; Xander the construction foreman and Anya the full owner of the Magic Box, buying out Giles with a few years of her shrewdly invested salary and a capitalistic dance of superiority.



Some say time heals everything. In many ways it has. My friends are now great friends. My rock…protector…healer…lover is still all these things and so, so many more.



But time, like magick, found its maker when trying to heal me. I haven’t regained more than a few wisps of memories since I lost them so long ago. I have been given handfuls of glimpses into my past since then, which have formed a mosaic both varied and rich.



Far more though, I have made new memories. Tons and tons of new memories. These are mine…ours. I tend and cherish them so they’ll not fade away. I have learned the value of never taken anything or anyone for granted.



I walked into our bedroom, Tara warmly meeting my eyes as the door closed. I came to her side and took her hand. “Everything alright?” She nodded, motioning me closer.



“Look at our little family,” she said in an excited whisper. Curled up in my favorite sweater, which was now their favorite sweater, were Miss Kitty and our three new arrivals.



They were so tiny but so amazing. Tara was about as radiant as I had ever seen her, taking my breath away with a grace and ease unsurpassed. Then she leaned over and kissed me and redefined the whole standard of basis.



I never take for her for granted…not after all the trials we’ve made it through to get this far.



But I do still sometimes think of that moment, some five years ago, that changed everything. It’s funny how an event that lasts a few seconds can so drastically alter so many other seconds thereafter. Who would I have been? Where would I be now?



Anya once told me that there’s probably an alternate universe where I didn’t lose my memory. She asked me if I would ever go there and peek. I said no.



When she asked my why not, I told her I’m already in the place that I belong.



It’s just that simple.





THE END.





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I would be very remiss to not acknowledge and thank all the people who set me in motion to get this done. First and foremost - my sis who consistently lets me bounce ideas off of her at will, even when they come in long, long sequences of rambling. Anyone who can handle that much self-absorbed prattle pretty much deserves a medal of honor.



I also have to thank all the great kittens that have given me feedback and the ones who just followed along and enjoyed the show. This board is so many things for so many people, which is probably why it is so lasting. There is a deep sense of community here that I respect and I'm just glad my meager offerings could find a place to live and grow.



Finally, to my muse for sticking with me through the whole story and giving me pretty much what I wanted. She's still whispering in my ear, telling me I have more W/T stories to write...so I've got some much neglected 'in progress' stories and one or two new ones to jump into...I think maybe you're stuck with me for a while. Again thanks.



~Cyd

Cyd, I am a sucker for neatly tied up stories with happy endings, so this gave me warm fuzzies, and big smilies, and dopey sighs and all sorts of yummy huggy thoughts. This really was just a wonderful story from start to finish, filled with humor and love, and I was laughing my ass off at the end to find out that Miss Kitty was the one giving birth, NOT Tara. Well done!

Quote:

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I think maybe you're stuck with me for a while

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That is indeed good news, my friend! Cheers!

-Cam

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What should I be but just what I am? - Edna St.Vincent Millay

Edited by: tarawhipped at: 4/12/05 12:48 pm