Hey Cyd.



Just wanted to drop you a note and tell you that I am still really enjoying this story. I really like the perspective of Willow, sans memory, and her insight into all the characters we know and love. The fact that she is bonding so well with Anya is amusing, but not surprising. She's the only one that really tells it like it is. I liked the kiss, hope there is more, and can't wait to see Willow work all this out.

-pipsberg



"We live our lives, do whatever we do, and then we sleep - it's as simple and ordinary as that."

Michael Cunningham, The Hours

Hiya Cyd! Finally getting caught up on feedback, and rereading this update, I'm so impressed. First off, I too really like the developing friendship between Willow and Anya, and how it contrasts with Willow's distrust of Buffy. It makes so much sense considering who's keeping secrets and who's an open book. I also liked the image of the file cabinet in the opening dream, and how the harder Willow tries to force her way into it, the less successful she is. Clearly Willow isn't going to be able to force her memories to return, but perhaps they'll come back as she's doing familiar things (and there's just the tiniest bit of innuendo there ). For example, when attacked by the vamp, the first thing she did was make a bad joke, not shriek or wet herself like any good non-Scooby would.



-Cam

---

What should I be but just what I am? - Edna St.Vincent Millay

Hi...it’s been a stressful couple of weeks and you folks have been way too patient. Luckily I'm on spring break...although that seems to be a bit of a misnomer. First off, it's still hovering around freezing...and secondly between a research proposal, presentation prep, group project, take home exam, and uber megasaurus paper, I hardly call it a 'break'. Where are sandy beaches and scantily clad women when you need them? Anyway, enough of my griping, I finally sat down to work on part 7 of this tonight and I'll try to post it very soon.



In the meantime, a few replies...



TaraBaby77: Hi Aaron...glad you liked the update and take care of yourself as well.



noho: Why thank you!



pipsberg: Hiya Pips...always a pleasure to hear from you...good to know the perspective is still working for you. Willow shall gain some measure of resolution soon. Thanks.



tarawhipped: Hey Cameron...impressing you does my heart good.

Quote:

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Clearly Willow isn't going to be able to force her memories to return, but perhaps they'll come back as she's doing familiar things (and there's just the tiniest bit of innuendo there).

---

Wha...? Innuendo? What praytell? But seriously...that's a good point...and would be a very good lesson for Willow to learn (lol on the wet herself bit).







Like I said update soon...



~Cyd

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

Part 7: The Best Laid Plans





Tara felt her stomach twist but it had little to do with hunger. Nerves. Stress. Fear. Not hunger. She stared dumbly at the map on the counter, watching a bright golden dot move side by side with the green dot she had cast to find. Buffy was bringing Willow home. There was no catastrophe. Willow was late, out after dark, and her first impulse had been to cast to find her…Tara’s brow creased as she rubbed her temples.



Tara,you know better than to use magic like that, she could hear her mama admonish.



I know mama, I know. It was just another item on a long list of things she was screwing up, her relationship with Willow sitting firmly in the number one position.



She didn’t know how to act around Willow…what to say…what not to say…how to help. Before…she would have just understood what Willow needed. She would have been able to say anything, do even the most embarrassing things without worry, because she knew the redhead loved her not despite her peculiarities but because of them. Even her strange sense of humor, archaic cultural references, and almost total lack of ability to walk through doorways when she first woke up without bumping into the frame. They were parts of the whole and Willow accepted and appreciated her with such ardor that it literally took her breath away at times. But it all changed when Glory placed her hand upon Tara’s life, wrecking her world twice – first taking away her mind and then nearly taking away her everything.



Tara sometimes wondered if she came back wrong. She still felt so lost, as if she was missing important pieces. The ones that knew how to heal Willow…how to make her feel better, safe.



She didn’t recognize this person that looked like herself but stepped back from Willow instead of stepping closer. It only reminded her of a lanky teenager who stuttered and could blend into the background of any situation.



She didn’t want to be this person again.



This person who hesitated before snuggling close to Willow at night, afraid her eyes were pleading for something that was no longer hers. This person who couldn’t tell Willow about their most intimate moments or the crazy, foolish things they did for one another for no reason, other than to cause a laugh. This person who was failing to give Willow the life she so richly deserves.



Tonight was supposed to be different. She would put the hesitation aside and show Willow what she meant to the blonde. She fretted as she checked to make sure the chicken was still warm, sampling the sauce with her finger. It wasn’t about seduction, just a need to show the full extent of her feelings. There was a difference between respecting Willow’s condition and hiding her feelings away. Tara was doing too much of both. It belittled their relationship was a discourtesy to Willow’s intelligence. Tara would show her the full truth and let Willow decide if she could handle that. Then could then move forward and make decisions together.



Maybe she was being selfish, but the reins she had placed over her heart felt like they were suffocating the spirit of their relationship. She could not stand back and wait for Willow to discover that what they had was strong, real, intense, and felt like forever.



Had…she hated that word. It was in the past tense, as if it was finished. She tried not to think that way - it led her to a place that scorched beyond mere words. They were not close to that. She knew Willow felt something for her, just exactly what was the mystery.



Between Tara’s standoffish wall of propriety and Willow hot and cold swings it was hard to decipher anything. Sometimes Willow’s eyes had that spark of desire that once set them both ablaze. Other times Willow was indifferent. Tara knew that she couldn’t blame her…virtually everything was overwhelming in her condition. It was hard to pretend that it didn’t hurt when Willow closed in on herself though. All the blonde wanted to do was take her in her arms and tell her everything would be better.



The other matter was that perhaps Willow was sensing the hesitancy in Tara and therein feeling confused. Added confusion was the last thing the redhead needed right now.



Tara sighed, taking a seat at the dining room table. Figuring out Willow and her actions took degrees that she didn’t have yet. She would have to earn them again.



But not tonight. This was just another example of how out of synch they were.



Tara watched the tapered candlestick melt slowly towards the linen of the table, the wax collecting in a dish placed beneath the holder. The room glowed with a warm hue. She stood and smoothed out the silk burgundy dress with the spaghetti straps that she had bought for a Christmas party last year. She smiled as she remembered the leer that Willow had given her the first time she saw it. Carnal seemed too mild a descriptor. She had spent most of that party with a very worked up redhead sneakily running her hands all over her while making pleasantries with the gang. That only led to two worked up people and a very hasty exit from the festivities.



She moved upstairs to let down her hair and change into something more casual. Since Buffy was coming over with Willow, it was a good sign that they had started to patch things up. That was good news. She shucked off the dress, hanging it on the door and trading it for a long sleeved t-shirt and a pair of cargoes. Hurriedly, she cleaned up the formal dining room table, putting away the fine china and setting the informal kitchen table with less fancy ware.



The door opened a couple of minutes later, two familiar laughs permeating the quiet of the house.



“Hey you,” Tara said, feeling Willow’s laughter lift a little of the weight settled on her mind. She entered the foyer and found them removing their shoes. “You’re late.” She stepped forward and kissed the redhead on the cheek. “Oh, hey Buffy.”



“All my fault,” Buffy said, sharing a glance of conspiracy with the redhead. Tara lifted an eyebrow that they both missed. “Hey Tara.”



They walked passed the darkened dining room and Buffy picked up the faint trace of vanilla and blown out candle wicks. As they entered the kitchen, she sniffed the most divine smells of food wafting from pots and pans keeping warm over the stove. Even as her stomach growled in expectation, the slayer suddenly felt like an intruder.



Tara excused herself and the slayer heard her footsteps travel up the steps. Buffy did likewise and pretended to head toward the bathroom but made an abrupt turn and creeped towards Willow’s bedroom instead. From the crack of the open door, she saw Tara squeeze a very fancy dress into the back of the closet.



“Fancy dinner for two…skimpy outfit. I think I ruined your plans by showing up,” Buffy said as she stuck her head inside the room.



Tara turned around with a start, pulling her arm back quickly and hitting her elbow on the closet door. “Ouch,” she hissed under her breath.



“Guess I’m really in the wrong town to sneak up on people.” Buffy said lightly as she entered the room and sat at the foot of the bed.



“No…no big plans…it’s fine,” Tara said with a shrug.



“Don’t downplay yourself…I tasted the sauce, its very yummy. Dawn sorta craves that level of culinary talent but apparently the Colonel I buy from doesn’t make chicken like that.”



Tara suspected that was the closest Buffy was going to come to saying she missed them.



“I miss cooking for more.”



“I could scoot out of here and you can go woo her tonight,” Buffy stood, fidgeting with her blonde ponytail.



“No, I’m glad you’re here. I want you to spend time with her.” Tara looked up sheepishly and amended. “Us. Spend time with us.”



“I know,” Buffy said as she scuffed her boots lightly on the floor. “This must be multiple sorry night for me. Tara, I’m sorry about the fight. Fights. You were right, you know, she seems happier now.



“I’m not so sure,” Tara said so softly that only a slayer with super hearing would notice.



Buffy couldn't help but think the blonde was being too hard on herself. “Are you kidding? She talked about you while grinning the whole way home. She’s smitten. A regular smitten kitten.”



“I’m making one mistake after the other,” Tara cut in.



“Not any bigger than mine. I drove her right out of my house, nearly out of my life. And who did she run to? Who did she trust to keep her safe? I’ll give you a hint…it’s the same person she would have went to before she got hurt.”



Buffy walked over to Tara and put a hand on her shoulder. “I don’t know what is wrong but I do know that if any two people can work it out then it would be you two.”



Tara met Buffy’s sincere posture with a mix of appreciation and surprise. It was really the first time that the slayer had ever acknowledged their relationship in such a way. The blonde witch knew that Buffy accepted her and they were friendly, but she had never been sure she approved the pairing that was collectively called ‘them’.



Tara wondered what made her say it now. Perhaps Willow’s departure from the slayer’s life had made an impact in several aspects.



“Stay for dinner. We want you here,” Tara suggested this time, more firmly. When the blonde superhero nodded, they both returned to the kitchen to find Willow sampling everything impatiently.



They fixed up three equal plates and sat down at the table, Willow and Buffy immediately digging into their portions wholeheartedly.



Tara reached over to the seat beside her and squeezed the redhead’s small hand, receiving a small grin in between bites.



Her big plans were not in vain after all. It didn’t take a grand gesture to show how much she really cared. A thousand tiny ones would do. She ran her hand over her knuckles and squeezed once more. She just had to let herself do them.

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

You know what...that just made me feel good all over.





ETA: I know it started out with the thoughts of Tara ready to try to show Willow how she felt, and that was sweet, and I admit I was anxious to see that happen. Then it changed over to the sadness of her realizing it just was not the time yet. She came to some other realizations, which ended up being a good thing. Just the thought that when the time is right, they will all be in a better place, and that is when it made me feel good. I'm just hoping it comes sooner than later.



Thanks.



Wimpy

"There was plenty of magic." ~ Tara

Edited by: wimpy0729 at: 3/23/05 12:08 pm

I love when an update can bring you from hope to despair to hope all in a single umm...update. That's good writing right there. And it's nice when it ends on such a positive note, such a note that leaves the reader knowing that things are going to be ok in the future. Good good way to end.

"Heaven's not a place that you go when you die...it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive"

That was so sweet. My heart breaks for Tara. I don't think I could imagine someone I love not remembering me or what we shared. You write so well, you describe the emotions perfectly. I can't wait for the next update.

A very good update.



Some might be surprised that Tara feels that she is merely "accepted" within the group as Willow's Girlfriend. I think that, in the canon S6, it was only when she left that everyone else (except Dawn, who had already grown attached to her) realized how much she contributed to the group and themselves. I had always wished that after "The Body" and their one scene together (Tara telling Buffy about her mother) that the two would grow closer.



I do like how things are on the mend, even though Tara herself seems almost as fragmented as Willow.



Looking forward to the next installment.

_________________



"She has illusion, and you have reality. May you find your way as pleasant." -- The Cage

There's an undertone of sadness of Tara exchanging the sexy spaghetti strap dress for a T-shirt and cargos, and putting away the good china. May be it's still too early for seduction, but when is it the right time? When it's gone and past? They seem to be doing so well, yet there is still a lot of walking on eggshells.

Quote:

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She didn’t want to be this person again.

---

She hasn't been that person for a long long time. She must give herself, and Willow, a chance.

Quote:

---

“I’m making one mistake after the other,”

---

No, you're not, Tara.

Quote:

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It didn’t take a grand gesture to show how much she really cared. A thousand tiny ones would do.

---

Somehow though, I believe we need a couple of big steps in between those tiny ones.

------

quiet thoughts

*sigh*..... poor Tara.... Something major needs to happen...and soon. And grrr about Buffy with the intruding...

That's it for now.... when I think of something constructive I'll be back.



luv ya



xoxo

Emms

To the smut! ~ Me

Great update. You really captured the character of Tara and showed the softer side of the slayer. Also the KFC reference..very funny.

I need to process. I'm enjoying the story greatly. But, I'm currently too near to it to add any coherent commentary.



So, please give me time to process...and then I will add to the replies that have been posted.



Carleen

Edited by: GayNow at: 3/23/05 2:21 pm

Yippee!!! Another great update. I'm happy that Tara is happy with her thousans little gestures to make up for the one big one, heehee. Anyhoo, like always, hope to see more soon. Take care... =)

Aaron

'Tarababy77'

---

"Don't buy into all the media crap. Love yourself for who you are, not what others THINK you should look like. It's DEFINITELY more important in this life to love each other despite our imperfections." - Amber Benson

---

Hmm.. not sure why Buffy went in together with Willow, as opposed to dropping her. She's patrolling isn't she ? Besides which, she IS interrupting something.. no matter how many times Tara says she isn't. (Tara's just too kind for her own good at times).



I thought Willow was aware she was having some sort of fancy dinner as well? If so, her nice cloths are probably ruined by her fleeing the vampire. I'm actually surprise Tara hasn't noticed that Willow was attacked yet.



I like Buffy's behaviour in this update, it's just that I feel she's somewhat in the way between Tara and Willow restoring their relation. It's not only for Willow's concern either, Tara needs her Willow back one way or the other as well. Though I have my doubts about dressing up in a skimpy dress so soon for such an occassion. It might actually have the opposite effect on Willow.



It's sad to read about Tara feeling so low. Relation or not, thats definitly something that needs Willowhand attention .



Grimmy

--
"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

Beautiful update. Excellent depiction of Tara's situation and her feelings. I have a thing for reading about people with traumatic brain injuries, and the way you write both Tara and Willow seems remarkably close to the experiences of people in real life.



For Tara the hardest thing seems to be to have to carry all the memories of their time together. For Willow the hardest part seems to be trying to figure out who she is in what to her is a brand new world. You capture the push and pull of wanting to remember and wanting to begin anew quite well.



Thanks for another lovely and emotional update.



Safuega

Hello Kittens-



That was well done indeed! May I say I like your Buffy much better than the one canon gave us? Yours has the ability not only to save Willow's life, but acknowledge she was wrong, offer hopeful words to Tara, and even accept an invitation to stay and not run off to brood uselessly.



Tara is so well written, but then we Kittens have come to expect that here. She starts out unhappy about her use of magic. She is worried, wondering, and anxious. She ends by touching her love and realizing that love is within her grasp and does so. Of such things futures are made.





Jixer

stillrunning: Its good to know the whirlwind of emotions that coursed through that update had an overall hopeful cohesion.



wimpy0729:

Quote:

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Just the thought that when the time is right, they will all be in a better place, and that is when it made me feel good.

---

They're getting there...just a wee bit more time.



cperrins78: It had been a very Willow-centric piece up until then, which was intended, but I wanted to bring Tara's difficult angle to the table and acknowledge her emotions. Thanks for the praise.



CaptMurdock: Hi-ya Capt. I've always thought similarly, that Tara was represented as part of the gang but not friendly close with anyone other than Dawn and perhaps Anya. That scene in The Body where Buffy and Tara sat together very uncomfortably reflected not only on the 'what can you really say at a time like this' but also how they weren't really close friends. I wanted Buffy to make the realization that there were two people she cut out of her life and now she finds herself wanting to integrate BOTH of them back, not just Willow + 1.

Quote:

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I do like how things are on the mend, even though Tara herself seems almost as fragmented as Willow.

---

Indeed. Tara's pain is quieter, easier to overlook, but it's still there. The healing process has to encompass them both.



hidden watson: Thank you for disagreeing with the thoughts inside Tara. She's the only person thinking them. It's a rare person who can be so giving and still think that she's not doing enough. Residual self-doubt abounds within Tara, it's something to get past if she wants to stop walking on eggshells and take steps forward.



MissKittys Ball O Yarn: Hi-ya Emms...thanks for dropping in.



dscoakane: Hey Darlin'!!!!!! (aka queen vixen of the west, ensnarer of many a cabana boy, and all-around nifty chick). I thought those were very Tara like actions too...putting others ahead of herself, being very aware of how to meet the needs of others yet being too humble to believe she actually is...BUT thankfully realizing how to step forward in their relationship. I also wanted Buffy to grow up a little here...reaching out rather than using the shell of duty and destiny as a cover for actual emotion. I seem to be on a food reference joke thing lately...I think I just need to have a good meal. You've made my week stopping by...pet the puppy and give her a bone for me.



GayNow: Hi Carleen. Feel free to process away...glad to hear you're enjoying in the meantime.



TaraBaby77 Hi Aaron...delightful to hear from you. I'm tapping out another update with much haste and gusto. Thanks so much.



Grimlock72: Hi-ya Grimmy...Willow knew of dinner, but not of sexy impromptu dinner, so she prob was not dressed for the occasion or anything. It was more something that Tara was going to surprise Willow with. You're may be right...I'm not sure that Tara's plan was the best method of going about this anyway. Holding back for so many weeks and then suddenly saying here I am...well there'd be no pressure for Willow with that now, huh?



As far as Buffy, I think she had wanted to apologize to Tara and when the opportunity came about to speak to her directly, she took it. I do promise she went right back to patrol after the grub...chop, chop, save the world already.



Tara is too nice for her own good sometimes...I think karma as dealt from this said writer will reward her in one way or another soon. Thanks.



Safuega: Wow Safuega...beautiful feedback...thank you. Your appreciation of the level of realism I'm trying to present is gratefully favored by me. Depicting this event in this manner makes emotions/motivations sometimes difficult to pigeon hole (as in life) and the push and pull between finding new and remembering old a lingering struggle. But I think it will be a more rewarding story in the long run, at the very least for me to write and hopefully for the audience to read, in this format. I can't thank you enough for your comments.



jixer: Hi-ya Jixer...well, I thought wouldn't it be nice to write a Buffy that makes a mistake, on a interpersonal level, and then owns up to it, trying to make amends along the way? Superhero status is not an excuse for never learning that lesson, despite what they did in canon. I'm glad you approve of the improvement.



Glad you like the portrayal of Tara as well...to me it seemed an appropriate fit. Thanks so much.





The next update is nearly done and I'm about to do something that I don't like because it provokes the dark clouds of bad prophesy to gather and lightening to strike. So wait for it....



Update should be tonight or tomorrow.

Whew, so far so good.



~Cyd

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

Edited by: hermitfish at: 3/24/05 2:15 pm

Disclaimer: Many rich people own BTVS and its characters...I am not one of them.



Summary: What happens when you lose yourself? (Altered timeline starting near the end of 'The Gift').



Rating: R



Feedback: Feel free to drop a line here. No posting this story elsewhere without my consent.

---

Part 8: Mystical Medicine





I knocked on the door, waiting patiently for Giles to answer, noting the smell of summer herbs growing in the courtyard garden. Basil, Rosemary, and Sage were easy to identify among the greenery. Tara would know the other ones…she seemed to be the more nature minded of the two of us.



After knocking and waiting again, I tried the handle and the door creaked open. I had expected his house to be well...cleaner for one thing. For a prim and proper British guy, he lived like a twenty-year-old frat boy. Chinese cartons sat haphazardly on the coffee table with chopsticks still poking out the top of containers. Dishes were scattered across the dining table and kitchen counters. Two empty bottles of brandy sat on the desktop next to a tremendous stack of books that rose from floor to desk level. Also perched along the wood workspace was the sleeping head of the watcher.



“Giles?” I called out loudly and then shut the door semi loudly. I didn’t want to venture too much into his personal space because, frankly, his personal space was a little rank.



Awareness came to his eyes as he popped his head up and absently wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand. “Hello, Willow…is there something you need?” He stood and closed a red robe, covering up an old t-shirt and boxers.



“Did Merry Maid go on strike or something cause it looks like cleaning day came and went a few times around?”



He glanced around, almost as if seeing the mess for the first time. He rubbed a few days worth of stubble on his cheeks and sighed. “Pardon the clutter…the house is need of a quick pickup.”



I smirked at the understatement as I shuffled fully into the room, avoiding a shoe in the center of the walkway. “Um, Anya wants to hire me in the shop but I need your approval.”



“It must be flourishing if she is willing to part with money for additional help,” he mumbled, mostly to himself. To me he said, “I’ve been remiss in overseeing the ledgers lately but if we need help then you’re hired.”



“Thanks…so umm what are you working on?” I asked as I looked at the yellow legal pad sitting on the desktop. My name was written prominently on the first line, giving me an answer to my own question. Has he been researching my accident all this time? I glanced around at the state of disrepair. I didn’t know whether to be thankful or worried or awed at this man that, without the Hellmouth, I probably wouldn’t know. “Me?” I sort of questioningly squeaked.



“Of course you. I’ve had some of the most respected covens in the world counseling me on this matter.” It was a statement of fact, sounding like nothing more or less. The look in his haggard eyes showed a concern he was dismissing with words.



“Most I have consulted are baffled. They believe for you to be alive after all that has occurred must be a miracle or indicate a prophecy. There doesn’t, however, seem to be any occurrence or recorded prophecy that I can find. My contacts seem to be without explanation for the power shown that night. It was felt that night, your power…seers who monitor these things felt the ripple.”



“Um, wow? Never would have called myself ripply…I mean,” I lifted an arm and flexed a small bicep.



He hesitated, rubbing his face once more. “I have been given a ritual that can test your mystical abilities. If you're willing, I would like to attempt it at a time of your choosing. I hoped to bring this up at our meeting tonight. Buffy has informed me that you and Tara will be attending.”



“The Scooby shindig?” He winced at the phrasing. “We’ll be there…can I think about it until then?” He nodded.



“Well, I’ll leave you to the cleaning,” I said as I departed.



------------------------------------





Tara’s reaction was not what I expected when I went to her hours later. She was reclined on the sofa, reading in the cool that air conditioning provides on a hot California summer day.



“R-ritual?”



“I think it’s like a witchy placement tests. Giles’ll give us the what for tonight.” I watched her countenance falter. “I thought this would be a woo-hoo thing. We’re all ‘yay’ magick, right?”



The corner of her mouth rose with a twitch. “Yes, much of the ‘yay’,” she replied.



“But?” I ventured, dropping down next to her on the cloth cushions as she sat up to accommodate me.



She took what looked like a calming breath and slowly met my eyes. “The last time we spoke, you know before…” Before our dueling nightmares, her expression stated. She stopped, reaching for my hands, with a strong need to find them.



“You know you can tell me anything,” I said gently, realizing once again how acutely she felt the burden of being the only one with a window to our life together.



“We argued about magick…your power. It degenerated into a nonsense of angry words after that.”



“I take it we didn’t fight much?” I asked unnecessarily. I could just tell that wasn't the case.



“Next to never. It happened even less than Anya telling a story which doesn’t end in evisceration or orgasms.”



“Wow, that really is pretty much never.” We shared a smile. I leaned over and rested my head on her shoulder. She snuggled a little closer. Somehow, in the last week, we had shifted to a more comfortable level, where touching each other was done with less thought and calculation. To me, it felt like an instinctive reaction for when Tara was near.



“So, was I dangerous?”



“No,” she said bluntly as she tensed and turned my chin to her face. “It’s just that having the kind of power that you do…” I raised my eyebrows. “We do,” she amended. “It’s more than just throwing a spell here and there to kill the big evil. We have a responsibility to respect natural order and be aware of the consequences of having a gift this influential.” She paused, biting her lower lip, and then half rolling her eyes. “And that came out a little more dramatic than I meant.”



“I think I get it. I was being, um, careless and you called me on it?”



“Not so much careless but…” her brow furrowed. “Willow…what you learned to do in a year, most witches spend a lifetime trying to attain. You were advancing so quickly that I was worried about…”



“…Me trivializing the power since it came so easy?” I finished. She shifted a little beside me, as if she wanted to agree, at least partly, but hating to say a negative word on my character.



“So what was my problem with your suggestion? I mean you told me that you’ve been a Wiccan witchy all your life. You’re bound to know more than a girl that only came to this…” I did a quick estimate based on the vague timeline I knew. “…Maybe three years ago.”



She moved the fingers that had been resting on my shoulder up the long muscle of my neck and around the rim of my face, stopping at my temple and tapping lightly.



“Yeah, but I think you’re on a higher leaning curve than most.”



“Hey, now,” I responded with a little frown. “I saw your GPA and your scholarship papers missy…if I’m at the superbrain round table, you better be there too.”



Tara’s hand moved through my hair, as she leaned closer to press a kiss on my forehead, before returning to its shoulder perch. A shiver followed her path precisely.



“It was a stressful time,” she tried again to explain.



“Right, because we never have those,” I sarcastically mocked. She poked me in the ribs causing a howl.



“Let me finish, dork.” She grinned before sobering up. “Joyce had died recently and…and Glory was putting the fear into everyone. There was a lot of pressure to find a way to stop her for good. We had recently tried a teleportation spell on one encounter. It worked, just barely, but it hurt you. When you began researching more powerful spells and reworking the teleportation spell, I told you that I thought it was too advanced. You countered that it was the only thing that had ever even dented her. That was true…every time Buffy or the rest of us ran into her, it felt like we were lucky to be alive at the end of the confrontation. Neither side of the issue was all wrong or right. It was just a matter of trying to do the best we could manage.”



I nodded, placing my head back on her shoulder.



“So, tell me what to do?”



Her cheek pressed into the top of head. “It’s not my decision to make.”



“But?” A jaw-cracking yawn hit me and I manuvered my head onto her lap, looking up to meet her face to face.



“Do you want to try?” she sidestepped with a question.



“It’s kinda like I don’t know what it means to miss the magick so who am I to say. With it I did a lot of good…but a lot of bad things happened because of it too. But we should probably at least look over the ritual and, since were both members of the superbrain roundtable, try to decide if it’s okay.”



Tara wordlessly nodded; the game plan seemed to set well with her. After a few moments she began trying to find a new position for her cast now that I was in its former resting place.



“Hey, it’s just a few hours ‘til the big saw party, right?” I said with a wink.



“Did you have to call it that?” She grimaced. Since I had discovered she wasn’t looking forward to having the giant club on her appendage hacked off with scary rotary tools, I had teased her with it on more than one occasion.



“Well, no…but I like watching you squirm,” I said pseudo innocently.



The rediscovery of flirty talk had been a pleasant surprise. The first few times either of us tried, we were so worried about the other’s reaction that it barely registered. Now it was more of the fun.



“There are better ways to see me squirm,” she replied without a beat in a low husky voice before dictating plans and playfully pretending flirty time didn’t happened at all. “You have an appointment with Dr. Jacob’s just before. Xander will drop you off and then lift me to the hospital. We can meet back at the Magic Box in time for the meeting.”



I settled her casted hand on my makeshift pillow tummy. “So what’s the Sunnydale medical industry gonna do when it goes into financial ruin with two of its finest contributors on the mend.”



“Frankly, I don’t care.”



“Me either.”



----------------------------------------





Tara sat at the research table of the Magic Box, her arm feeling about ten pounds lighter now that it was just wrapped in finger splints and an Ace bandage. The best part now would be showers without the company of products from the makers Glad trashbags.



The bell above the door jingled merrily as Willow slipped in, green eyes immediately hunting to find hers. Tara tentatively waved her newly equipped hand. The smile that beamed on the redhead’s face as she rushed forward caused a little sigh to escape from the blonde’s lips.



In that moment, she had a change of mind…less complicated aqua acrobatic showers were nice, but having two hands to hold her girl was much, much better.



"Willow!" Dawn announced happily as she hugged the redhead near the doorway, where she was holding a feather duster. She came to the meeting to see her two favorite witches who she had been missing. Somehow she got shanghaied into Anya's House of Slave Labor (tm), which everyone else seem to think was volunteer community service.



“The Willster has arrived,” Xander said through a bite of stringy pizza loaded with toppings. Many of said vegetables and meats fell to the table top with a splat. He picked them up with his free hand, licking off the sauce on his fingers between bites.



“That’s deplorable,” Giles, clean shaven and dressed in trademark tweed, remarked with a sickened face.



“Xander,” Anya walloped him on the back of the head from her seat next to him. “Some of these books are from the sales rack.”



“Is that some sort of operant conditioning technique?” Buffy asked as she emerged from the training room and lifted herself to sit on the counter.



“I’m surprised you know what those are,” Giles said, finally placing the text he was captivated with on a clean part of the table.



“Hey I’m a proud member of the academia again. I’ve enrolled in classes for fall and everything. Plus I already took Psych 101…sure Walsh was a nutjob demon knitter but she knew her psychology material.”



“It was probably better than Dr. Lewis for psych, he had a monotone that could put the winner of a international mocha drinking contest to sleep.” Tara noted as she patted the space on the bench next to her.



“So you mean me,” Willow replied, taking the offered seat. The nudge she received in the side was her yes.



“Now that everyone is here, I want to discuss a ritual that a good friend of mine found while translating some African scrolls.”



“You didn’t get this from a friend like Ethan Rayne did you? From what I’ve heard of him, I think I’d take a yeast infection over his ‘help’,” Anya said as she air quoted the last word.



A wave of disgust passed over the other members of the group and a moment of silence was taken to pray for a better visual.



Anya picked up a slice of pizza, taking a large bite in the interim.



Giles continued on, “It is a measurement tool of mystical aptitude that was used by an ancient order of extremely elite and sacred shamans to determine eligibility into their order.” He turned specifically to Willow. “I believe it might shed some light on your predicament.”



“What does it involve?”



“Basically, a series of symbols are drawn upon the floor in a line with sand. The symbols represent different states of ability as a practitioner of the art. The person that wished to be tested was anointed on the forehead with a mixture of oils and herbs. The tested then placed his or her hand into a bowl containing the mixture and chanted a verse. Whichever symbol began to glow indicated their ability.”



“It’s a witch-o-meter…like those strong man one’s at the carnival,” Xander remarked.



“Is it safe?” Tara questioned, clearly indicating the most important element on her mind.



“Indeed, I tried it on myself hours ago.”



“And how did you fair G-man?”



“That’s not important…what matters is that it seems effective and could provide us with some clues.”



“You totally crapped out with the hammer, didn’t you?” Buffy asked with a small smile.



Tara looked at him closely. She was getting the feeling that simply wasn’t it at all.



“How is this a clue to anything? I mean so what if it says I’m the grand poomba of bell dinging. What does that prove?”



“These shamans were a very mathematical based order. They believed the essence of a person and their magicks were related and fully quantifiable. Some of the scrolls indicate that they were able to use their calculations to remerge persons who became lost during astral projection to different realms or states of being. These rituals could return a person to their natural state, localizing their essence.”



“And you think that we can tap into my memory from a mystical backdoor and return me back to status quo?”



“Exactly.”



“This is a cause for celebration,” Xander said as he picked up his can of fizzy soda in a toast gesture.



“I’m so happy for you guys,” Dawn agreed cheerily as she toasted her own drink.



“Yes, it will be good to have you well even when you begin to dislike me and remember kissing Xander again.” Anya said as she lifted her own can.



“Are you trying to make her not do this?” Buffy asked coyly, raising her own sports bottle of water with a shake.



Willow looked to Tara, who had picked up the translations of the text at some point and began thoroughly reading them. The redhead squeezed her knee and stared deep into blue eyes that met hers from the stack of papers.



Willow saw what she needed to make a decision in those orbs. Excitement. Relief. Hope. Love.



“What do we do first?” Willow asked calmly and confidently as she intertwined both of their hands around Tara’s soda and met the other converging drinks with a clink.

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

Edited by: hermitfish at: 3/26/05 3:17 pm

Woohoo! A healthy Willow is a happy Willow and Tara. Can't wait to see how she does on this test!

"Heaven's not a place that you go when you die...it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive"

Okay, I've missed a few updates but I'm all caught up. This spell is giving me the "willies." I'm not sure about it yet. As for Willow and Tara, more closeness please?

Like Terra, I was all with the skeptism on the spell. Yes, it will show how off the scale Willow's power is, then what?



Then Giles explains about the possibility of recovering her memories, and Willow saw Tara's

Quote:

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Excitement. Relief. Hope. Love.

---

Tara really needed that did she? More so than she ever imagined, and more so than even Willow herself. My sense is, if Will never recovered all her memories, she'll learn to live with what she has left and try to move forward.



Tara on the other hand, can't let the sadness and guilt go. So yay for the spell, even though I think they need to be absolutely sure about the purpose and effects. Part of me is excited, cos if Will can get her memories back, the ice wall that's crept up between them will melt and they can get back to being hopelessly in love again. They're up to flirting now, but things are not the same, they're both holding back. Part of me is a wee bit worried though, that she'll only get some memories back and not all the good memories and it'll be even more frustrating.

------

quiet thoughts

hidden watson:

Quote:

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Tara really needed that did she?

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What i meant with that line...(She saw what she needed in those orbs. Excitement. Relief. Hope. Love.) was that WILLOW saw what she needed to make a decision about the spell. Sorry for the pronoun confusion...I'll clarify it now.

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

Hiya, I think I got what you meant (but then I'm usually delusional), but I saw Willow seeing relief and hope and love in Tara's eyes which in turn made her agree to the spell. What I meant by

Quote:

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Tara really needed that

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was the relief that Giles' suggestion brought, the hope that she can get her life with Willow back, and of course the love she feels for Will. She was heading towards a downward spiral, I think, with the sadness and the not-moving fast enough.



Did that make sense? Sorry if I caused confusion .

------

quiet thoughts

Owwww, a test. Hmmm, I wonder how it's gonna go. Great update!!! I need to stop reading these updates so fast, heehee. I guess that means I get to go back and read it again. Keep'em comin' kay??? Take care. =)

Aaron

'Tarababy77'

---

"Don't buy into all the media crap. Love yourself for who you are, not what others THINK you should look like. It's DEFINITELY more important in this life to love each other despite our imperfections." - Amber Benson

---

Another great update. As I read I could not help but feel that a great weight had been lifted. Despite the situation both Tara and Willow have settled into a dynamic that is more conducive to finding solutions to their problem.



The conversation about magic was very well done. It's as if with the loss of memory Willow left a lot of her power and inadequacy baggage behind. This was quite an honest conversation and Willow not only listened but understood what Tara had been trying to tell her about magic. Despite the sad fact that Willow has lost her memory, in a way, the loss is serving to give her hindsight and a chance to start over again.



I am not sure how I feel about the spell, but that may be because I like how you have portrayed Willow thus far. However, I have read all your stories and I've realized that sometimes I don't agree with something at first but then in a later update you write something else that makes all the pieces fall into place. I trust that will be the case here as well, so I will wait until the next installment of this wonderful story to see what happens next.



Safuega

Really loving this story Cyd, but I love all your stories and want updates on each one daily. Like several others, I'm feeling a bit anxious about the spell. As much as all the Scoobies (and herself) want her to be back to "normal," this more or less baggage-free Willow is a refreshing change from where she was at pre-Glory. I loved how frank her remarks were to Tara about magic use (i.e. "So what was my problem?"), and Tara naturally refusing to let even Willow say bad things about, well...Willow. I'm less worried about what the ritual will say about her, and more concerned with what tapping back into the mystical realm will do to her, if that makes sense. I do have the utmost faith in you, however, and can't wait for more.



On a lighter note, this line:

Quote:

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Never would have called myself ripply

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had me imagining Willow a la Sigourney Weaver in Aliens facing off with Glory and very convincingly stating "get away from her, you bitch!"



-Cam

---

What should I be but just what I am? - Edna St.Vincent Millay

Oh, another wonderful update Cyd. I could really feel them connecting even more in this one. I love how comfortable they're getting with their flirting. Like I've said before, they're moving along at the right pace considering the circumstances, no matter how hard it may be at times.



I liked how Tara handled the whole discussion of magic and Glory and even about their stupid fight. And about this spell, how Tara said it wasn't her decision, but I'm glad Willow knows she can trust her enough to talk about it and then make the right choice. Thinking back, I wish that's how it would've been before the whole Glory/fight thing happened. Now if (when) this spell works, I'm hoping this stays with them both and helps them remember this is how it should be.



Can't wait to see what happens next!



Wimpy

"There was plenty of magic." ~ Tara

The trouble in this case is that you can't ask Willow herself if she wants her former-self and memories back. She doesn't know them, thus can't answer the question So she lets Tara answer that question for her basicly.



That will present a problem if the spell does NOT have the effect of restoring Willow to her former self. I'm also not too happy about Giles barely mentioning the real intention of that spell, until pushed a bit.



If was wondering what would happen if it was determined Willow has no magickly power left. She did spend an awfull lot of power after all, did anybody ever tell her what she did that night by the way?



This Willow has no experience to fall back on, regarding alternate-realms and anchors. For some reason I sincerely doubt the spell is as simple as Giles says. He probably has lofty reasons for whatever he's up to, but it doesn't make me trust him at this moment.



I would like to ask Tara why she wants old Willow back so much. She can make 'new' memories with this Willow, chances are they'll fall back in love . By indicating that she wants old-Willow back she sets a rather difficult task/target for Willow. I hope that wont cause troubles.



It's a good thing they finally had the Tough Love discussion they sorta skipped during that episode. Tara was much better in explaining her worries in this conversation though, being cautiuous in explaining your fears and worries has its disadvantages. Willow had to actually push Tara to say something "bad" about her While that's cute, in the long term it will cause trouble. Can't solve problems never mentioned, Tara would do well to remember that.



Heh, of course Willow is far less prejudiced in many respects. She has no memory of such things .



On a side note; I would have preffered the show had stuck to the physical dangers of over-doing magic, like with the teleporting. Willow used to try to help a bit too much, endangering herself in the proces... bit to loyal at times. Maybe she has a different take on such things now.



Which is yet another reason why I'm not too happy about attempting to "restore" the old-Willow. Not all of the changes were nessecarely bad, for either Willow herself or Tara.



Ah well, got to wait and see I guess... ;-)



"Witch-o-meter"... glad the Willow-speak ain't gone, had to smile at that one .



Grimmy

--
"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

Edited by: Grimlock72 at: 3/26/05 2:58 pm

that was really great Cyd. This just keeps getting better and better.



First with Giles and is trashy, rank house...what's up with that?



So...Willow's really going to work at the magic box...? well, if that's the case there's definitely going to be lots of opportunities for funny Anya moments .



I really liked the moment between Willow and Tara this time around. They seem to be becoming more "Natural" With eachother. That's nice to see...considering everything. And Tara got her cast off... yay! Okay... I might have missed it...(You know...in my excitement ) but...did Willow go with Tara to get her cast off?

Quote:

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The best part now would be showers without the company of products from the makers Glad trashbags.

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That little tid-bit of goodness had me . It never ceases to amaze me how well you write every character. What you have them saying is so totally what they would have said. For example...Buffy with her academia explanation... and Giles with his usual disgust at Xander happenings.. then there's Anya...who's just so Anya.



I really love this story.......



xoxo

Emms

To the smut! ~ Me

Edited by: MissKittys Ball O Yarn  at: 3/26/05 2:22 pm

It would truly be a better world if everyone got the great kitten feedback you folks gift me with...





stillrunning: Well, the test will be the next update. Thanks.



terra21: Glad you're caught up...that was a quick follow up update for me. I've been shirking responsibility for r&r. You've got the spell time 'willies' hmmm...



hidden watson: Yes, they should be cautiously prepared before trying this spell...but with Willow at possible risk, all of the Scoobies should be vigilant in reading the fine print.



Nevermind the pronoun confusion then...I think we were sharing the word 'needed' and it confused my poor sleep deprived brain. I totally got what you were saying this time around.



TaraBaby77: Hi Aaron...Feel free to reread at will! And comment often! And enjoy yourself! Okay, I think I'm getting carried away with the exclamations. Thanks.



Safuega: Hi Safuega...first thanks so much (again) for the great feedback. Most of her baggage has been put aside...I mean she stills has fears, which are understandable where she is, but she doesn't have the deep seated issues from pre memory loss. And not having memories or experience to use in situations, she relies on her rationale a lot more, which I think is a good thing.

Quote:

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I am not sure how I feel about the spell, but that may be because I like how you have portrayed Willow thus far. However, I have read all your stories and I've realized that sometimes I don't agree with something at first but then in a later update you write something else that makes all the pieces fall into place.

---

I appreciate the candor and your faith...I do know where I want this tugboat to go. I'm just keep trying to get it there. Thanks bunches.



tarawhipped: Oh, Cameron, I would update all of the fics everyday if the greedy world around me would stop shaking this minimalist down for money...and if I wasn't taking a double course load this sem...I'm a slave to the educational grind kinda geek. I think this Willow is more refreshing too...much of the unfortunate that was Willow's S6 behavior had scant origins in the last half of S5.



Anyway, I did notice the reoccurring worry button everyone is pressing on the spell and I won't be dragging that sequence out so all should be revealed in next update. Your faith in my storytelling also astounds me...I'm certainly not worthy but very appreciative nonetheless.



Lol on the Aliens bit...my fics are always improved when the kittens provide their own jokes.



wimpy0729: Hi Wimpy...it helps a lot to know you still approve of the relationship pacing. I know it is slow, but I thought it would be demeaning to the original strength of the relationship if I went at it too quickly after the trauma this situation caused.

Quote:

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Thinking back, I wish that's how it would've been before the whole Glory/fight thing happened.

---

I agree with you. As much as I like the phrase 'lesbo street cred', I didn't like the approach of that argument in canon. This is more how I would it rather seen it happen (sans memory loss Willow) where there were two people listening to each other and actually considering and respecting each other's opinion even if it is not a shared one. But maybe that's just me, I don't really yell or try to say something scathing or snippy when a confrontation arises, I just try to deal with the issue. I'm pretty low temper I guess.



Anyway, whatever the case, I really enjoyed the feedback.



Grimlock72: Hi Grimmy...much to ponder here. Current Willow sees a lot of people who loved former Willow...it's hard for her not to want to find this person that is missing. Not to mention wanting to give that person back to them, particularly Tara...of course I don't think she has spent much time trying to consider all the negatives that the old life/memories might hold.



I didn't have dialogue of the conversation with Tara about what Willow did that night but it has happened. I think it is where Willow gained a sense of the superhero like qualities she had.

Quote:

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I would have preffered the show had stuck to the physical dangers of over-doing magic, like with the teleporting. Willow used to try to help a bit too much, endangering herself in the proces... bit to loyal at times.

---

Tara was definitely alluding to the physical injury...but let's face it, I think Willow knows there's a connection between powerful magic and serious injury. It's the basis of her whole problem. I think Tara is feeling a lot of guilt and wishing she had made this conversation earlier...when it could have prevented something like this from happening. While she by no means 'needs' Willow to find a cure for restoration, she wouldn't object to a safe way of making it happen.



Wait and see indeed...thanks so much.



MissKittys Ball O Yarn: Hey Emms...thanks for all the niceness. Uh, what I was going for was that Giles had let himself go while searching pretty much on his own for Willow's cure. He has had tunnel vision in trying to help someone he sees like a daughter to him.



Natural is a very good descriptor for how I wanted that conversation between W/T to feel. Willow didn't go with Tara...she had her own Dr.’s appt.



I'm glad I can cause a chuckle or two...I have a weird sense of humor so I'm not ever sure anything is all that funny to anyone else.



When there are a bunch of people in a scene, like the Scooby meeting one, I have to concentrate on every character to get them in the action otherwise I'll forget one of them is there and the building will catch on fire and I won't remember to have them get up and run the heck out...or something like that. I think that helps me try to keep the banter balanced and put them somewhat in character (or my interpretation thereof). I readily admit I write Anya as a way raunchier pervert than the show...but I like her that way.



It's always a pleasure, hun.







Wow, you kittens have somehow motivated me into starting the next chapter of this today...a little praise goes a long way with me...I think it might be an addictive problem. Luckily, the result is me tap tap tapping update after update. I don't imagine there'll be too many complaints here. Until next time.



~Cyd

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows