Title: The Moth and the Star
Author: Alcy
Feedback: most welcome, tell me what you think!
Rating: Rated NC-17 for very strong language and graphic sex scenes.
Pairing: Willow/Tara of course
Summary: Tara Maclay is an up and coming author, practically married to the woman of her dreams and yet in the space of a few short hours her life comes crashing down around her ears. As she struggles to get her life back on track she meets a girl, the type of girl she knows she ought to run away from and never look back…and yet she is inexplicably drawn to her. What follows is a love story of two people who are drawn to each other like the moth to the star.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Buffy, this fic is of course AU so no spoilers for any season.
Author's Notes: I thought I would finally set a story in my home town, Wellington, New Zealand.
This fic has been through a couple of incarnations, but it began life a few years ago as a Willow/Tara fic and this is how it was always meant to be. The title to this fic is taken from a poem by Shelley.
[center]~Chapter One~[/center]
The Blackberry lying on the passenger seat let out an alarming series of beeps in an unwelcome reminder for Tara Maclay that she was almost half an hour late. She groaned and ignored the call. It was definitely her publisher calling to ascertain her whereabouts. Knowing Bridget as well as she did, Tara knew she’d spend five minutes on the phone being reminded that she was incapable of keeping an appointment. By that time she’d have arrived at Asteron Publishing, making answering the phone entirely counter-productive. She let the Blackberry ring itself silly for a few moments longer before it fell silent.
Five minutes later, as she had anticipated, she saw Asteron Publishing’s squat and imposing façade, the first and last stop for all too many hopeful first time writers. Tara Maclay, however, was not a first time writer…not that that gave her the right to be late for a meeting with her publisher. She yanked the wheel on her Suzuki Swift and pulled into the car park. Gathering the bound papers of her manuscript as well as an assortment of other papers and her blackberry, with which she had a love/hate relationship, Tara shoved open her door. A split second later she heard a sudden high pitched screech and the sound of rubber sliding on concrete. She turned in time to see a cyclist only just managing to brake before he had the opportunity to get up close and personal with the door of her car.
Tara stared in horror as he tottered dangerously before extricating his shoes from his cleats before he could fall over altogether.
“Oh god, I’m so s-sorry!” she exclaimed in horror as he set both feet securely on the ground.
He turned towards her, and his stormy expression was all too quickly wiped and replaced by one of pleasant surprise. Tara felt a slight flush heat her cheeks as he stared at her a little too intently. She knew what he thought he was seeing, a sexy blonde of average height, pale, creamy skin and blue eyes that were enough to make even the smallest glance seem like something special shared between lovers. Tara on the other hand disregarded her own beauty as nothing special. She thought herself just another girl really…another girl who was really late for a meeting with the woman who paid her.
“No harm done,” the young man replied with a grin. “It’s not like I haven’t got a flashing light on the front of my bike and a high visibility vest on.”
Tara cringed. “I’m sorry…I’m kinda late and I didn’t look before opening my door.”
“It’s fine, honestly,” he tried to reassure her. He shrugged. “It happens all the time, you need a sixth sense if you’re gonna bike anywhere in this city…know what you can do to make it up to me?”
Oh god, here it comes, Tara thought with a slight grimace. She tried to keep the sweet smile on her face. “You know - "
“Give me your number?” he interrupted as his eyebrows rose expectantly. As Tara opened her mouth to reply he sighed and smiled wryly, “Nah, s’okay, you’ve probably got a boyfriend anyway…”
“Not exactly…” Tara began. As she saw his hopes starting to rise again she continued, “I have a girlfriend.”
“Damn!” He slapped the palm of his hand against his handlebars. “Sorry, I feel kind of stupid now.”
“Don’t worry,” Tara replied as she shook her head softly, “It happens all the time - " Way to stretch the truth there Maclay, you’re not that hot " - But I really am awfully late…are we good?”
“Yeah, yeah…I’m fine and you’re…you’re a hot lesbian.” He grinned before manoeuvring around her car door and resuming his journey. He threw a last glance back over his shoulder.
Tara shook her head in disbelief at the nerve of some people and finally exited her car. In her haste she forgot the manuscript…and then forgot to lock the car, before finally remembering to do everything. When she entered Bridget’s office she was three-quarters of an hour late, and her publisher was not impressed.
Bridget Williams, founding owner of Asteron Publishing, looked up from her desk with an exasperated expression on her face. She removed her glasses as Tara gingerly took a seat in the leather chair in front of her desk. Bridget was in her late forties, her dark hair shot through with grey, a dedicated hard worker who built her business from the ground up. She did not share Tara’s aversion to being punctual and efficient.
“Tara Maclay, your latest manuscript had better be pretty fucking fantastic or else!” the short-haired women snapped, however there was an amused gleam in her eyes. “Just don’t tell me you’re late because you were having sex. If I’m not getting any at the moment I sure as hell don’t need to be reminded that you’re practically married.”
Tara shrugged, hardly wanting to go into any details about her love life with Bridget. It was true enough; she’d been with her girlfriend for almost seven years – a lifetime really. All the way from their carefree second year at university where they’d fucked like rabbits to now, a domesticated partnership consisting of polite conversation and the occasional snuggle in front of the TV. Bridget didn’t need to hear about her love life, it was all about the wad of paper sitting on the desk in front of her.
“It’s good,” Tara said honestly. She swallowed a little awkwardly. It was hard to talk up her own work, even to someone who knew her writing as well as Bridget. “It’s probably my best work.”
“Leave that judgement up to me, Ms Maclay.” Bridget pursed her lips together thoughtfully. “But if you’re saying that, then I look forward to reading it immensely, especially if it’s even better than your last novel.”
Tara sighed. “Historical romantic dribble…”
“It’s the biggest seller on my backlist!” Bridget protested.
“Well when I am going to be able to write the kind of novel I want to write!” Tara breathed in a deep breath, she rarely challenged Bridget but for some reason she felt her anger rising. “I’m sick of writing this commercial crap!” She jerked her thumb in the direction of the manuscript on Bridget’s desk.
“Tara…you know as well as I do that lesbian fiction doesn’t sell like the het stuff. I don't think you would be in a hurry to go back to living off noodles and tomato soup?” Bridget asked.
“No,” Tara replied dejectedly.
Another ten minutes of business-related conversation passed and Tara was free to leave. She bade a warm but hollow farewell to Bridget and made her way back out to the Suzuki sitting in the car park. A small sigh escaped her lips, a part of her knew full well she should have pressed Bridget harder about writing the type of fiction she wanted to write but for some reason she found it difficult to stand up for herself. It’s my work for fuck’s sake, Tara thought angrily as she slid into the driver’s seat of her car and tossed her papers and phone on the seat next to her, I should threaten to find a new publisher. Tara knew full well it would be an empty threat. She’d never walk out on Bridget, not for another few years at least. She owed her too much for giving her a shot when no one else would.
Tara was heading back into town, mentally running through a list of the rest of the days chores, when her blackberry began buzzing at her. She debated ignoring it for a few moments but eventually she gave in and leaned across the seat to retrieve it. A small smile brightened her face when she saw who was calling.
“Hey you,” Tara said brightly. “I’m on my way to Woolworth’s, you feel like anything special for dinner?”
“Ah…Tara, baby, don’t worry about me for dinner, I’m going to my Mum’s tonight,” a tight voice replied on the other end of the line.
“That’s fine,” Tara shrugged, trying to keep an eye on the road while talking on her cell. “I can save you something if you like?”
“You’re not listening, I’m not coming home tonight…there are a few things I need to think through.” The announcement was followed by an exasperated sigh.
Tara frowned and indicated so she could pull over safely. Once on the side of the road she was able to turn her full attention to her girlfriend. “Sweetie…what are you saying?”
“I need to rethink us, Tara!”
The words hit Tara like a ton of bricks. Her tongue was tied for a good ten seconds before she could reply. However when the words finally came, they came in a torrent. “Why the hell are we having this conversation on the phone, I’m pulled over on the side of the road and you’re breaking up with me?”
There was another sigh. “I don’t want to do it face to face…you’ll cry and I won’t be able to get a word in through the tears…and I’m not breaking up with you…there are just a few…decisions I need to make.”
“I-I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.” The anger was gone. Tara could barely hear her own voice, it was that quiet. “Hey, I’m gonna go alright…” Tara was fast failing to keep the tears at bay. “Can we finish this at another time?”
“Yeah…sure thing…I’m sorry about saying anything over the phone…”
“Well, it’s a little too late for that.” Tara scrubbed angrily at her face as a tear leaked down her cheek.
“I love you, Tara,” came the whispered reply.
Tara heard an audible click on the other end of the phone before she could reply. “Yeah, I love you too,” she whispered with a slight edge to her voice.
~~~~~~
It was almost time for the lunch rush and the main street was already teeming with suits ducking out to grab sushi or on their way to a lunch meeting. As soon as she stepped off the bus, Tara immediately regretted coming into town. She knew she should have cancelled her haircut but appointments with Anya were worth their weight in gold and even the confession the previous day hadn’t quite turned Tara into a housebound wreck. So she’d spent the night on the phone gushing to Faith and her eyes were a little red-rimmed this morning…life couldn’t be perfect all the time. Something similar had happened a few years previously, after a few drinks her girlfriend had admitted to sleeping with one of their mutual friends. She’d bawled her eyes out for a week and then forgiven her as though nothing had ever happened. This time, though, she couldn’t help but feel that something wasn’t right. The fact that she had actually come out and said that she needed time to reconsider their relationship made her feel more than a little sick to her stomach. Tara banished such thoughts from her mind, instead concentrating on fighting her way through the stream of people who all seemed to be headed in the opposite direction.
Her phone chose that exact moment to start buzzing and she was forced to duck into an alcove set back off the street to fish around in her bag. It was Faith Lehane, her best friend since high school, solid as a rock and dependable in times of crisis.
“Hey Faith,” Tara tried to inject an element of enthusiasm into her voice but she came out sounding tired and strained.
“Hey girl,” Faith’s deep, perpetually sultry voice sounded over the other end of the line. She paused, “I can barely hear you!”
“Yeah, I’m downtown…I forgot all about my appointment at Grace until this morning.”
“Ah,” Faith answered knowledgeably, “You wouldn’t want to cancel on Anya. You won’t get another appointment for months.”
“Exactly,” Tara replied, checking her watch to see that time was all too quickly creeping towards her appointment. “I’m a wee bit late…”
“As always!” Faith laughed lightly. Her voice then took on a more serious tone. “I’m just calling to check you’re okay. You know that bitch isn’t worth throwing yourself off a bridge for…not after pulling this kind of shit on you again…in fact, she’s not even worth stuffing yourself full of chocolate and ice cream. Promise me you won’t, T?”
Tara couldn’t help but smile. “Promise you what? That I won’t throw myself off a bridge or eat until I throw up?”
“Both!” Faith laughed again.
A beep interrupted Tara before she could speak again. She glanced down at her phone and sighed wearily before saying goodbye to Faith. “Hey, I’ve got another call coming through…talk to you later?”
“Sure thing, T, you call me straight away if you need any back up when she comes home tonight won’t you?”
“You bet." Tara’s smile faded at the thought of dealing with her girlfriend that evening. She then hung up on her friend and answered the second call, adding an element of annoyance to her voice as by now she was well and truly late for her appointment. “Hello?”
The voice on the other end had barely begun speaking when all colour blanched from Tara’s face and the sounds of the street were drowned out by the awful pounding of blood in her ears. The only words she could make out amidst the noise were ‘head on collision,’ ‘ambulance’ and ‘hospital.’ She barely allowed the voice to finish before her feet were already running, her eyes searching desperately for a taxi. All the while she felt an awful sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach as though she knew it was already too late.
~~~~~~
Tara sat alone in the hospital waiting room, barely interested in the magazine at her elbow or the child who repeatedly smashed his toy truck into her foot. Eventually its mother told it to stop, but Tara could not even reply to the small smile of apology flashed in her direction. She felt the weight of her cell phone in her pocket and knew she should call Faith to come down to the hospital, but even that seemed like too much of an effort. All she was interested in was news, and so far no one could give her any. The desk nurse just shook her head sadly every time Tara approached the desk, and passing doctors seemed too busy with cases of their own.
Finally Tara stood on her jelly-like legs and slowly made her way towards the swinging doors through which all the traffic seemed to be passing. A nurse roughly grabbed her elbow and halted her in her tracks.
“I just need…” Tara began, nodding towards the doors.
“Sorry lady, but you can’t come through here…” The nurse paused at the sight of fresh tears falling down Tara’s face and sighed sympathetically. “Give me a name and I’ll see what I can find out?”
“Audrey…Audrey Kent,” Tara mumbled numbly.
The nurse nodded and gave Tara an awkward pat on the arm before she too disappeared through the doors, leaving her standing alone.
Almost fifteen minutes passed and although Tara remained standing by the doors, the nurse did not reappear with any news. She debated trying to force her way through again but she couldn’t find the energy to fight. Instead she returned to the hard plastic chairs and slumped into one, folding her arms tightly across her chest as though trying to keep in her pain.
“Ms. Maclay?”
Tara blinked, once, twice. She jerked upright and after a few seconds realised that she had fallen asleep upright in the chair. Her mouth felt awful, and her nose felt dry and crusty as a result of her earlier tears. She dashed her hand across her face and scrubbed at her eyes before looking up to see a tired looking female doctor standing in front of her. Although she’d pulled on a clean white coat, Tara could still see her bloody blue scrubs beneath. Tara knew what she had come to say before she even opened her mouth and the tears began anew.
“I’m terribly sorry, Ms. Maclay…your…um…partner’s injuries were severe…”
The doctor’s explanation and heartfelt but otherwise empty words of condolence flowed right over Tara’s head as she collapsed into a sobbing mess. At the doctor’s further plea, she was barely able to mumble instructions for the hospital to call Audrey’s family in Australia…and Faith, whom she needed now more than ever. Tara waved the young doctor away; she could hardly fail to miss the relieved expression on the woman’s face as she headed back to the silent world of the dead and away from the grief of the living.
Tara could only think of her last conversation with Audrey, its tone and the connotations behind it. She knew she would bitterly regret her words for the rest of her life, even though they had been entirely justified in the face of Audrey’s confession. It was not the way she wanted their relationship to end…but now it had, and the thought crushed her. Time passed, and Tara remained sitting on the plastic chair. Somewhere beside her a child started screaming and a teenage couple argued loudly. She cared about neither.
“Tara…Tara Maclay…” a deep voice finally interrupted her thoughts almost half an hour later.
Tara glanced up and saw the faintly familiar face of a young man standing in front of her; she frowned for a moment as her memory failed her.
“Tara Maclay, right?” he continued. “David Brewer…we went to school together, you remember, Clarke’s Pacific History 101 tutorial?”
“Yeah, sure,” Tara muttered dumbly, trying to think of the most polite way to tell David to get lost. She could hardly think of a worse time to catch up with an acquaintance from her university days. However when she glanced up at David she saw that his eyes were red and his mouth was set into a tight line as though he was trying not to cry. “You know, I’ve been standing on the other side of the room watching you for the past fifteen minutes. I debated whether or not to come over…given our situation.”
Tara’s despair gave way to confusion. She frowned. “Our situation?”
“With Audrey,” he tried to clarify. At her blank look he continued and admitted in a quiet voice, “Tara, Audrey and I were seeing each other.”
Tara’s mouth worked soundlessly for a few moments as she struggled to process this abrupt and unexpected revelation. David continued to stare at her with his puppy dog eyes as though she should leap up from her seat and hug him. Instead she continued to sit in her seat, an undercurrent of anger now added to her despair.
“Can you please leave?” Tara asked determinedly, trying to keep her voice from breaking. She couldn’t stand the sight of him.
“I have a right to be here,” David replied. “Audrey’s family called me…”
I knew they hated me! “Like hell you do!” Tara was incensed enough by the gall of Audrey’s parents to finally stand up. She was completely unsympathetic to David’s obvious pain. All she wanted was for him to leave her alone to her own, authentic grief. “You’re a fling…you don’t get the right to grieve, and certainly not in my face!”
David’s shoulders slumped. “Audrey and I had been seeing each other for almost six months; she was going to move in with me…” He paused and sighed deeply before finishing, “I thought she told you…”
“Well she didn’t…and I don’t know what the hell you were thinking to tell me now, couldn’t you have waited for at least, I don’t know…forever?” Tara demanded. She placed a hand on David’s chest and gave him a solid shove backwards. With all her strength behind it, the shove was enough to send David crashing back into the row of chairs behind him.
Before Tara had time to feel horrified with what she had done, two orderlies were on her, holding her arms gently behind her back. This only served to rile her further and she longed to bury her fist, insignificant as it was, into his face. As she struggled against the orderlies, straining to get her hands on David once again, Tara heard a familiar voice calling her name in the distance. Tara turned to see Faith fighting her way through the waiting room, a concerned look on her face. With a sob, Tara wrenched away from the orderlies and straight into her friend’s welcoming arms.
Faith stroked her hair and deposited a gentle kiss on the top of her head as her body shook uncontrollably. “Tara…Tara, babe, it’s going to be okay, just calm down.”
“It’s not going to be okay,” Tara whispered in a broken voice as she collapsed against her best friend. “She’s dead…she’s dead and I never got to tell her how much she fucking hurt me!”
_________________ Willow Van Helsing...saving the world since 1777 │ Van Rosenberg II - Lord of Ice and Shadow
Last edited by Alcy on Mon Jan 31, 2011 11:03 am, edited 26 times in total.
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