Hey everyone, it's that time of the night again!
Replies and then update:
shuyaku: Hey! I'm glad you're following this. And yeah, they told her. Bad bad people.
Thanks, and I hope you'll like the rest.
snuggle79: Hey you! I only got you teary-eyed? I must be losing my touch.
Hope ya like the rest and thanks.
sam darls: Hey Sammi! I'm glad you liked it. Here's the next part!
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marciam: Hey Marcia! Incredible? Nah. I'm glad it works, but no way is this incredible. But I'm happy you think so.
Hope you'll enjoy the rest.
And Thanks to everyone who's reading!
TITLE: Here Without You 4/ 10 (I think)
AUTHOR: Washi (ZWS)
FEEDBACK: I love it, I live for it, give it to me!
RATING: R, I think for implied sex, although some steamy scenes are planned.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the characters, Joss does or whoever. If I owned them, do you really think I would let season 6 happen? And why the hell would I be writing this?
So yeah, all belongs to Joss, ME etc...
The lyrics in this piece are owned by their respective owners.
SPOILERS: None, this is AU. It’s set in Sunnydale, but without the whole Hellmouth thingy.
TIMELINE and NOTES: Willow is about 23, Tara is 24, etc…
I read two kickass fics about Willow being in love and Tara being unsure, which are ‘Beholden’ by cinderlust and ‘The Heart Rules the Mind’ by DarkWiccan. Since both these fics aren’t finished, I thought I’d try to write about it.
Also, this fic contains angst, the road to an endless love contains a heartbreak in general.
This is also a way for me to exorcise my own inner demons.
I also hope my music taste doesn’t make people flinch.
Don’t worry, still working on the ‘Sex Journals’ and Dark Core, but I needed to get this out of my system.
Do I need to tell you how this ends? Didn’t think so.
Finally, this fic is written, and will have one update a day.
ARCHIVE: Ask and ye shall receive.
DEDICATION: This is for Yel and all the people who ever fell in love with their best friends, and who suffered through a love that’s not returned.
Thoughts are in < >, flashbacks in italics, and lyrics in bold.
*****
My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
Brian McKnight
Living will always be a struggle looking for someone to love you
Looking back at single horrors, this madness makes me want to hide
Slowly, internally, I’m dying
Pillow case is wet from all my crying
There is nothing more for me to live for
Take me away, I can’t live that life no more
Alicia Keys
As soon as Willow walked out of the Bronze, she let her tears flow. She walked unsteadily to an alley near the Bronze and threw up, the sight of seeing Tara in someone else’s arms being totally rejected by her body. She rested a clammy hand on her forehead, feeling the hot skin underneath it. Willow didn’t want to break down completely there. She felt rage engulfing her and she started running towards her apartment at full speed, tears streaking down her face as she thought of Tara, her Tara dancing and smiling at Brad. She ran until she felt her leg muscles burn with the effort as her feelings charring inside her with molten searing pain. She ran up to her apartment. She reached into her purse and took out her keys before trying to insert it into the lock, trying unsuccessfully a few times, her hands shaking with suppressed pain. She was crying, however it was nothing but the tip of the iceberg that was digging into her heart. She finally flung open the door and closed it behind her, before collapsing in front of the it on her knees and letting it all go.
She cried tears of sorrow, of pain, of rage and of a maelstrom of emotions she couldn’t quite name. Her mind told her she was being foolish, that it was just a dance. But her soul and her heart told her that it was more than that. In the last year, Tara hadn’t danced with anyone in front of Willow. That had always filled her heart with hope, telling her she had a chance, as tiny as it may seem. But now, Willow knew it was over, that Tara wasn’t waiting around for her to make her move slowly. Tara had feelings, but she didn’t share the love Willow felt for her. That was what hurt most. The knowledge that she had lived one year of her life, one year loving someone she would never, and could never have. That she had hoped, she had dreamed, she had wished for something that was out of her reach. And now, all the hope she had built by replaying Tara’s words over and over in her head, looking for a hidden message, all that hope that had sprung into her heart whenever Tara smiled at her, or hugged her, or gave her a kiss on the cheek, or called her, or laughed at her jokes, all that hope just crumbled down, shattering her soul and breaking her heart into a million pieces in the process. And to make matters worse, she knew that she would forever love Tara, no matter what would happen. She’d love her ‘til her dying day and in afterlife. Tara would never love her, but Willow had given up her entire life living in a false hope. Willow felt dead.
She cried over her lost hope, over her shattered soul and her broken heart. Life without Tara and without hope wasn’t life. Willow cried over her own death.
*****
Xander walked to his apartment and pushed the door lightly. The door wouldn’t open though, and he tried poking his head in, only to find Willow on her knees in front of the door, weeping sorrowfully, hitting the floor with her fists.
“Willow…” he whispered tightly.
The redhead looked up, and Xander felt his heart break. Her eyes were glossy and red, and her green depth now only held monumental pain. Her mascara was running, leaving dark tears of pain on her smooth face. Her hair was damp, and stuck to her face. She looked like a fallen angel, an angel who’s wings had been crushed, who lost all hope, everything.
“Xan?” she whispered, her voice raspy and coarse. She raised her hands, and moved slightly, and Xander walked in, moving immediately to hold the redhead in his arms.
“Shhh…” he whispered as she grasped his shirt and started crying uncontrollably. “Shh Willow… Shhh… Everything’s gonna be fine… Shh…”
“Xander, why? Why me?” She hiccupped. “Why do I have to always be the one whose heart is broken? Why Xander? Why?”
“I don’t know Will, I don’t know.” He whispered, not knowing what exactly to say.
She continued crying, soaking up the comfort of being in her best friend’s arms, yet wishing they were Tara’s.
*****
Tara lay on her bed, her eyes swollen from crying, tears she never knew she had streaming down her face. Once again, she thought of the pain she had inflected to her friend, to her savior, to Willow.
Looking at the ceiling, Tara couldn’t help but see again in her mind’s eye the look of despair and of pain in Willow’s eyes just before she left the Bronze.
Tara turned on her side, trying to fall asleep, but her mind just wouldn’t be quiet.
And yet, Tara didn’t know why she felt that bad. Of course, she should feel bad for her friend, but this wasn’t just compassion, this was heartbreak. She was feeling her chest tighten as she once again thought of her redhead.
My redhead? Where did that one come from?>
She dismissed the idea and turned on her other side, and yet, the image of Willow never left her mind. She quietly started thinking of the redhead while sniffling. She thought of the way she laughed, of the way she smiled, or drank something, or cried. And suddenly, it hit her.
She closed her eyes and tried something, something she had read about. She opened her mouth and whispered to the night the name of the redhead.
“Willow.”
And the quiet sound was answered by the frantic beating of her own heart. She sat there, confused and tried another name.
“Buffy.”
Her heart slowed down and started beating regularly. And she tried again.
“Willow.”
Her heart sped up once more. Was she?
She felt her heart soar and then crash down. And once more, she cried.
*****
Willow thought to herself as she sipped her coffee on Monday morning.
Xander came into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes.
“Morning Willow. How are ya feeling today?” he asked, sitting down and pouring himself a cup of coffee.
“Numb.” she replied, her eyes hollowly looking inside her coffee cup.
“Numb? Is that better than sad and depressed? Or crying?” he asked, taking a sip of the too-strong coffee and thinking about her devastating weekend, spent crying and throwing up. He made a face and poured some milk in his mug.
“Numb means I’ve cried enough to not feel anything anymore. I’m cried out. Do you get it? I feel numb.”
“Willow, you have to shake yourself out of this.” he eyed her coffee mug. “And how the hell can you drink coffee that strong black?”
“It makes me feel even more numb. The caffeine keeps me going. Or, I’m gonna break down.”
“Maybe you wouldn’t break down if you ate something. Willow, you’re killing yourself.” he said, touching her hand.
“I died Saturday night.” she replied, looking at her watch. “I gotta go or I’m gonna be late. I’ll see you later Xander.” she said, closing the door behind her.
*****
“Tara, coffee?” Buffy asked her friend, who was sitting down in the kitchen, looking miserable.
Tara barely acknowledged her, shaking her head. Buffy frowned. Tara had been in this pensive mood ever since Willow left the Bronze two nights ago. She kept seeing in her mind’s eye over and over the look of despair in Willow’s eyes, and the tears that were running freely down her cheeks. She sighed loudly, wishing she could have done something about it, instead of let her leave.
“Tara?” Buffy asked, putting a hand on her shoulder. Tara started at the contact.
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m chipper.” The dark-blonde replied, her tone dripping with sarcasm.
“Talk to me Tare. What are you thinking about?” Buffy asked, her eyes boring into Tara’s.
“Willow.” she whispered.
“Uh huh. You feel guilty?” Buffy asked. Tara simply nodded. “You couldn’t have known.”
“Yes, I could have, if I hadn’t denied everything I was feeling. I love her Buffy. I don’t wanna hurt her.” she finished in a whisper.
“Of course you don’t. We all love Willow.”
“No, I don’t think you understand Buffy. I’ve been thinking, and I realized that I loved her.”
“Huh?”
“I love Willow! I’m in love with her!” Tara replied, her voice shaking.
“Oh! Well, that’s a good thing.”
“But, I broke her heart Buffy.”
“Look Tara, Willow is the strongest person I know. You two just need to talk. Everything will be okay.”
“I hope you’re right, I really do.” Tara said, her eyes tearing up at the thought of her red-haired love.
She had thought of Willow all weekend, of why she felt like killing herself when she understood she had broken her heart. She had always felt something for Willow, but on thinking more about it, she understood that she loved her. And the dreams she kept having only strengthened that theory. She loved Willow and she broke her heart by her doubt, by her denial.
*****
“Willow, could I talk to you for a minute?” Rupert Giles said, popping his head in her office.
“Sure.”
She followed her English boss to his office. He motioned her to sit down.
“You do know that we’ve been working on the new database for the “Benson Foundation” in San Francisco?”
“Yeah, I do. But, I thought that Marti and Faith had it covered.”
“Yes, well, a small incident has happened, and Marti has broken her legs in a fall. Which means that she cannot go.”
“Oh. You want me to fill in?” Willow said, thinking about how good it would feel to get out of Sunnydale for a while to clear her thoughts.
“Why yes, but they were supposed to head there tonight.”
“Oh.” Willow thought, thinking about the time she’d need to pack her stuff.
“I do know this is very short notice, but you looked like you could use sometime from Sunnydale. You can refuse, of course.”
“No, I’ll go. I just need to pack. How long am I going to stay there?”
Giles smiled. “Well, three weeks or so I suppose. Is that alright for you?”
“Sure. Can I go pack?”
“Why, yes of course, you have the day off to pack. I have the plane tickets ready. You should meet Faith at the airport at six.”
“Sure thing. Thanks Giles. I won’t disappoint you.”
“I know Willow. Here’s the layout.” he said, handing her a thick manila folder. She nodded and headed towards the door.
“Oh, Willow.” He called her. She turned around, expectantly. “Try to smile my dear child. I rather do not like you looking so bleak.” he said, smiling softly at her.
“I’ll try Giles, thanks.” she replied, her voice low, before stepping outside.
*****
TBC ...
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"See? I've mastered this tact crap." Anya in Tears Of The Goddess by Lisa
The course of love doesn’t always run smooth, especially for the neurotic and accident-prone. ~ LadyB
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