Confessions of a W/T fanfic junkie...

[edgyqueen]

Hi fellow Kittens. My name is Edgyqueen, and I’m a W/T fanfic junkie. It feels good to finally say it out loud. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, right. The question is… do I want to recover?

Lately I’ve been doing some serious soul-searching about my W/T fanfic addiction. Why am I compelled to read so voraciously? What do I “get” out of W/T fanfic? Is fanfic filling some kind of void or hole in my personal existence? What’s the deal???

My educational background is in the field of psychology, and I’m my own best case study! I want to figure out what motivates me to read W/T over and over again, ad nauseam. Are some of you Kittens willing to participate in this journey of self discovery with me?

I’m just beginning to sort through all this mentally, but here are some of the facts I’ve come up with so far, starting with the basics, then digging a little deeper. I’m going to shamelessly expose personal stuff here, so be forewarned. [gulp]

THE BASICS:

1. I love to read and write, and I enjoy observing the process through fanfic.

2. I really enjoy the show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

3. I am very interested in lesbian representation in Television, movies, and all other kinds of media.

4. Willow and Tara are very likeable, interesting characters.

THE LATENT:

1. I like smut. A lot. I’m a very sexual person, and reading sexy stories is enjoyable to me, and occasionally educational as well!

2. I stumbled upon my sexuality in almost exactly the same way Willow does in Canon. I think reading stories of her coming to terms with her sexuality helped me process my own experiences. I met my “Tara” 8 years ago. The W/T story arc and interpersonal dynamic is remarkably similar to my own long term relationship. Long story short- I guess I just really relate to them.

3. I think I read fanfic as a bit of an escape. It’s like a perfect little fictional microcosm of my own life.

4. Back to the smut thing… I naturally have a higher sex drive than my girlfriend, and smut has helped to keep me busy when she’s not as interested as I. Don’t get me wrong, I am SO NOT complaining about my sex life, because it’s really fabulous! Everyone is unique in his/her sexual appetites; my girlfriend and I discuss and respect those differences. So I just read smut. A lot!


Well, Kittens… the gauntlet has been thrown! I’d love to hear your thoughts on what keeps YOU coming back for more…

[Emms]

What a wonderful Idea. I wish I could participate properly...but see...I try not to delve too deeply into the reasons why I do the things I do. No good can come of it.

ETA: Damn...I thought I could leave it at that...but I've been forced to engage in inner reflection.

I was originally drawn to this forum because of the love I had for the W/T dynamic. They were the only couple on television that I had ever felt a real connection to, and it simply grew from there.

I continue to stay drawn to this forum because of the sense of community that I've found here. Everyone is so caring and supportive of each other and for me, to leave that would be like cutting off ties with people I consider to be a family of sorts.

Anyway…that’s my two cents on the subject.

xoxo
Emms

[GayNow]

I have to agree with Emms...the thing that keeps me here is the community of lovely people I've found. I've made many friends.

I feel accepted here, in a sense. It's nice to be surrounded by people who don't think I'm strange for being a fan of pop culture.

This is also the place where I was encouraged to write. I love many of the other story archives out there, but this one is interactive. I'm an academic at heart, so I like discussing what I'm reading or writing. And here is where I have the opportunity to do that. The teacher in me loves to see how various authors use the feedback they are given for their stories. I like to see people grow as writers...and as feedbackers. I like growing as a writer and as a feedbacker. I've been allowed to do that here.

But it really comes down to the friendships. It always comes back to that for me. I learn so much about the people here based on their posts and by chatting with them. It's fun to have W/T as a common denomenator, but I've learned there's a lot more to the people here than just a love for our favorite fictional couple.

[Thianne]

My mom surely says that i try to compensate for my lack of social life (that's SO NOT TRUE! i have friends! they're not many, but they are really good friends). i come here because i didn't have a good experience with my first (and only, so far) gay love. i realized just a couple of years ago that i'm a lesbian (i'm 17) and it just gives me hope to read about happy gay endings. it means that there can really be a person even for me, in this big, small world, and that sometimes i will find her even if it's not just now.

i also feel really....at ease, some how. i'm only just starting to have a more active part on this board, i used to just read and do nothing. i didn't want to leave feedback, either. so, that's why i haven't made any friends yet, despite the fact that i'd really like to. but, even just reading, i can feel that people here are open, and i just....i don't know, i just appreciate it.

so....these are my reasons. i didn't mean to open up quite like that, though
but i guess it's ok.....

[quirked_out]

I was a faithful reader of the board long before I ever entertained the idea of my sexuality. I had always been drawn to Willow's character, I connected to her in the way that I was much too mature for my own age. When Tara came onto the show I instantly felt even more connected. Then came the years when my mom became more aware of the acceptence of gays in mainstream life and began her rants of how unnatural it was, my older sister began to voice her opinions as well, and so I was closeted from my family.

Willow and Tara's relationship is the one thing that made me look differently at why I was so unhappy and why I was so uncomfortable around gay issues. It was the only comfort I found while still hiding from the world.

Now here I am three years later, out of high school my own life, a wonderful girlfriend (Who can cook, thank GOD!) and I still thank Willow and Tara, and Joss, and of course fanfiction.

[WillowRulez]

Most of the things that Thianne said, goes for me as well.
I 'discovered' WT fanfic a few years ago when I surfed around looking for Buffy Musicvids actually. The first story I read was the K-otic series, same author as the Lesbian fairytale. Really embarassing cuz I forgot the name. Then I discovered the Kitten and it has helped me come to terms with myself.

[Roger Doger]

I fell in love with the Willow and Tara relationship watching Buffy on DVDs a friend brought over. Over time, I found myself more drawn toward Tara, as personality wise I'm more like her. I always sympathize with shy people, and I just thought W&T were (... er, ARE) a really cute couple, regardless of their sexuality.

After JW made the blunder of eliminating Tara, I became obsessed with bringing her back. I started reading W&T stories here, and then after a time, I wrote my own story.

Anyway, writing fanfic led to writing in general, and now I've written three novels in my own universe, the first of which I'm trying to get published. While my original stories also have a lesbian couple in them, I love them a lot more than JW loved his, so I'll be a kinder "god" of my universe.

[sinkinghearts]

Being the geek that I am, I was browsing and searching through webbies wherein I would be able to download the Lifehouse song, "Take Me Away". Yes, I was able to find one, but it was embedded in a W/T Music Video.

I watched the Vid, got curious coz it had a lesbian theme. Mind you, I was not a Buffy fanatic... I didn't really care about the show when it was still running, thus no idea of the W/T Lovin' (Very different from now coz I have the whole Season 1-7 Buffy DVD collection!). Since watching that vid, I told myself to know more about this pair... Maybe coz I am confused about my sexuality as well, or maybe coz this idea is just something that is really frowned upon by closed minded people here in the Phils.

Through this journey, I have realized that there is a big possibility that I may be Bi... Having crushes on girls and guys, blah, blah, blah, and all that jazz. I still wouldn't admit it to myself, but yeah, maybe I really am. I'm still not in the resolved and accepting phase, but these fanfics provide me comfort - "No matter what the gender of the person you love is... It would still be love". I'm just worried about how Catholics would look at me, coz I am one... Darn, it is so complicated.

[gabbyx19]

Hello everyone!

Why am I so enamored by W/T fanfic? That's a good question...

Let's start with why I like this board...

I guess one of the reasons I'm drawn here is because of the community. I live in a town where being gay is a huge sin. Mormonville USA is what I like to call it. 90% of the community here is LDS, seriously.

I like the board because I have more of a chance to connect with people I have more in common with...( like being gay). I know not everyone here is gay or bi... but everyone is accepting and it's a nice feeling to be around that.

Now why I read the fan fic...

I like GLBT media... all of it, TV, Movies, Literature, everything. I started out reading Xena and Gabby (subtext stuff). This was before I knew about Willow and Tara. I had watch BTVS a couple of times, and I knew Willow but it wasn't til one of my guy friends filled me in about Tara's death and Willow and Tara's relationship that I got into the show. Now I'm hooked.

Now that you guys know my life story... ha ha... I'm done.

This is a good thread btw

[sinkinghearts]

oooohhh... i forgot to add. i can totally relate to Willow. we've got some similarities and can't help but see myself in her (geek, spaz, loving, etc)

...so there!

[dorksrcool]

I like the KB because the people are cool and friendly and smart and because I'm a pop culture whore. My friends and family do not understand my W/T addiction, but everyone on the KB does.

I like W/T fanfic because we didn't get to see enough of their interactions on the actual show and because Joss did a bad thing to Tara. Also, because I like the characters whether they are canon or some crazy AU. W/T are hot no matter what universe they live in!

There are some really fantastic writers on this board and I just really enjoy reading their take on these characters.

[justin]

There are some really fantastic writers on this board

to quote Battlestar Galatica

So say we all!

[SithLordWiccan]

I was always a fan of Willow/Tara, and secretly held a crush (I have lots of celebrity crushes) for both the characters and the actresses who play them. What I always liked about them was the fact that I could see things about myself in the characters. I've often been regarded as rather spazzy and unable to be negative any situation that I find myself in, while at the same time being introverted and shy, tending to mainly keep to myself, only working with others when I really have to.

I started reading Willow/Tara FanFic back when i first discovered ExtraFlamey.com (and back when it still actually worked, but that's a whole different argument). Anyways, although I enjoyed most fic, I have a particular weakness for NC-17 stuff, more so since I've expanded my knowledge of sexuality in all of its forms.

As for writing fics, one of my particular talents is mixing two separate fandoms together to see how well they can compliment one another without breaking the canon of either too badly. I've gotten some positive comments in this area with my Willow/Tara Star Wars uber fic (link in sig). I've also started work on an NC-17 fic that's particularly engaging for me to write because it deals with a topic I'm rather versed in.

I discoverd the Kitten about six months ago through a link at Through The Looking-glass, and have been posting ever since. The first few months for me were rather shy, as I didn't know anybody. But as time went on, I made friends and now consider myself a member of the community.

[dorksrcool]

I have a particular weakness for NC-17 stuff, more so since I've expanded my knowledge of sexuality in all of its forms.

Whoa, I definetly have to agree with that! Sometimes I feel like a really bad lesbian when I read stuff and say, "I've never thought of doing that!"

[Candleshoe]

I think that I came here from ExtraFlamey too, but it was a long time ago, so I can't really remember. It took me 4 years to screw up the courage to post, and now I am having a whale of a time!

I like NC17 to a point, (it is useful for picking up tips!) but I like coming out stories, whether in real life or fiction. And stuff which is about living in a relationship, rather than getting in or out of one. I actually find that my time contraints usually mean that short or one-shot fics are more tempting than the longer ones, but I am easily persuaded to stay by a really good first episode. I really like challenge fics too - seeing what dishes different people make out of the same ingredients is fascinating.

I am constantly amazed by the 'mad skills' of the writers here, and the community feeling that this board has. This place is good for my soul - my faith in humanity is slowly being restored!

[mangled_monkey]

This is going to be one of my first posts outside of my fic, so bear with me. I started coming here ONLY for fanfic. I don't really consider myself a member of the community here, mostly because I don't like message boards much. I am here for fic. I enjoy fic so much because it allows me to escape reality for awhile, and read about things I wish I could see and/or do. It is vastly entertaining for me to think about and imagine scenarios with my two favorite fictional girls in different situations and how they would react. I've also recently gotten into vidding, my first vid being a W/T to Richard Marx's Now and Forever. I can understand how some people might think that wouldn't fit, but it does.

In short, I got into this because I love these two girls.

[lottagay]

I arrived at the kitten board understanding and accepting myself for being who I am. What helps me in real life is reading the fanfic and thinking maybe one day I'll meet the girl of my dreams and my soulmate. It can happen I've seen it with friends who have been together 15 years, 24 years and 13 years respectively it just hasn't happened to me yet. the stories give me a very warm fuzzy feeling and sometimes a low down tickle. Which is very nice and I get ideas from some stories that I would like to try. So if being a W/T fanfic addict is a negative thing so be it, but I don't think so.

[Alcy]

The fact that I am having difficulty wondering why I am here should have me worried!!
Seriously, I found this board after finding Mystic Muse and then hungrily searching for more W/T as that was what I was really after. The relationship on the show, while groundbreaking and enjoyable to a point, was never satisfying enough. I always found myself getting annoyed at the parts of the relationship they did not show or explore...and of course the fact that the whole show wasn't about W/T. So I found the Kitten and every show is all about W/T!!! (With the other characters playing second fiddle!)
And of course reading all this great fic, it didnt take me long to realise that I should have a go myself. I've always been a bit of a dabbler when it comes to writing. The very first fic I ever wrote on Kitten of course got chucked off the board because I ignored the FAQs! But following my rather inauspicious start I have finished two fairly lengthy fics and am in the process of working on two more which manage to consume a good deal of time which I don't have a lot of! In which case I have only to say that I love writing W/T fic, AUs in particular - I have so many situations floating around in my head that I want to write them into. I think it's the scope and creative potential I love with AU.
anyway, enough rambling, I'm supposed to be working!!!
Cheers
Alcy

[Foomatic]

I am a complete and total hopeless romantic. Growing up I always dreamed of having the perfect first kiss, the perfect 'first time', all with the perfect lover. I would lose myself in Meg Ryan movies, listen to sappy love songs, and just simply imagine being in love. Guess you could call me a love junkie.

This is going to sound kinda dumb, but after I realized I was gay, I had this sudden awareness of how heterosexual the world was. I know doesn't make sense, but I found that I couldn't relate anymore to the romantic comedies I loved watching, or the love songs I heard on the radio. Dawson and Joey just didn't do it for me anymore, you know?

A couple of months ago, I happened across some information my partner was using to write a paper on gays in the media, and there on the bottom was a picture of Willow and Tara's first kiss in 'The Body'. Now, I had watched BtVS a while back, but stopped watching after season 3, so I had no idea that Willow was gay.

From that little blurb I scoured the web looking for anything and everything Willow and Tara. I downloaded a bunch of clips. Checked out photos and wallpaper. Convinced my partner to get a DVR so I could record BtVS episodes off FX. I came across some fan fiction sites, but my initial reaction to them was, "Whoa, okay, that's a bit obsessive." But then I started reading a few. Then a few more.

All the stories struck a chord in me. Willow and Tara were the answer to every Dawson and Joey, every Ross and Rachael, every Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks for me. Their relationship, their love, was finally something I could relate to. And here on the board they fall in love over and over again, in different ways, in different places . . . who wouldn't get addicted? I love my partner completely, but it's nice to live vicariously through Willow and Tara, and remember what it's like to have that wild unbridled passion for someone you love so deeply.

So I tried my hand at writing a couple of fics. Now, I'm not a writer, mind you. But I got a lot of support and encouragement from the people who read my stories, and it was enough to keep me going. Yes, I know, 'She's Got A Way' hasn't been updated in months, and I apologize for that. I initially wrote SGAW because I wasn't able to vid at the time, hence the musical aspect of the fic. Now I'm a rabid vidder, and I've sort of shirked my writing responsibilities. But don't fret. I plan to update sometime before it's one year anniversary. Maybe. I hope.

To be honest, I haven't exactly been immersed in gay culture, or the gay community. I mean, geez, the only other lesbians I know are the ones from this board! That's sad, considering I live in the Bay Area. But here . . . it's just an awesome community. Everyone is so supportive and friendly; it's like a second home. Even though for the time being I haven't been up to date with my favorite fics and my own fic, I still come to the board and check out all the other posts. The people here are great.

[edgyqueen]

Wow... I have really enjoyed reading everyone's responses on this thread. Each of you has made comments which resonate with me on a personal level; you've helped me better understand my own Kitten Board addiction! Here are some things you've helped me realize:

I too love the community of the KB. Even though I haven't been here long, and I've been mostly a lurker here, I have been an avid observer of the friendships and sense of community among the Kittens. I haven't formed friendships here yet and I may never decide to participate in that manner, but I love watching the interaction between those of you who do!

This is my only outlet for finding gay/gay friendly interaction. I'm a lesbian with a long term partner who doesn't want or need to come out of the closet. Unfortunately, I struggle with our decision to remain closeted. Like some of you have mentioned, I don't have any gay friends in "real life". The KB is like my very own alternate universe where I can overdose on virtual kisses and gay love!

Foomatic, I related to every word of your response! You and I must have a lot in common.

This is going to sound kinda dumb, but after I realized I was gay, I had this sudden awareness of how heterosexual the world was.

Not only does this comment NOT sound dumb to me, I had exactly the same experience! I'll bet many of us did. That's why I hungrily chase after every bit of lesbian media I can get my hands on. This reminds me of a quote from Adrienne Rich which has always resounded with me:

"When someone with the authority of a teacher, say, describes the world and you are not in it, there is a moment of psychic disequilibrium, as if you looked into a mirror and saw nothing. Yet you know you exist and others like you, that this is a game with mirrors. It takes some strength of soul--and not just individual strength, but collective understanding--to resist this void, this nonbeing, into which you are thrust, and to stand up, demanding to be seen and heard".

I guess right now in my life, I find my "collective understanding" here with the Kittens and the wonderful world of Willow and Tara. It's a vicarious thing, since I have chosen to respect my partner's wishes and remain closeted in real life. Does that make sense?

Thanks, Kittens, for your helpful comments. I appreciate each of you and your participation here. Kisses all around!

[umgaynow]

I suppose it's a fantasy thing...Willow and Tara's love is like every relationship should be and could be in a perfect world (leaving out the evil season sux garbage-o-rama story lines) I love the sense of humor inherent in canon and also the hilariously twisted but wonderful places some fic writers have taken them... Also on a weirdish note...W&T are both characters that I identify with in having many of the same qualities as myself...but also if they were indeed real people in my life, they are both women I would certainly fall head over heels in love with...I love those shy, brainy, soulful geeky chicks!

Sorry if this post is a little incomprehensible...I have been taking Percocet

Sandi

[leipreachan11]

My discovery of the board was pretty roundabout. I have very little to do both here and at my last job so I spent a lot (the vast majority) of my time on the web. I developed an unfortunate ebay addiction (I have a very addictive personality) so to end it I started looking for fics, which I’d never done before 'cause, let's face it, those people are losers (I thought). Once I’d exhausted Buffy/ Angel I branched out into W/T. One day I found a great fic and the fact that it had proper spelling (I’m very petty about that) encouraged me to follow the link here, and lo and behold, there was more. Been a professional lurker since then. I also think I’m addicted (I have a very addictive personality).