You might want to give thought to if terms like “watcher” and “slayer” should be capitalised.
expecting an apocalypse." he mused, his brow furrowing.
I believe you need a comma instead of a full-stop for these type of situations. The above would become:
expecting an apocalypse," he mused, his brow furrowing.
Similarly for
"And we all the know what that means" Willow interjected, "WE should be expecting an apocalypse."
"Not yet. However I was about to perhaps suggest that and picking Spike's two brain cells as your first courses of action."
I am not clear if this is meant to be simple denigration of Spike or if you’re telling the reader that Spike is stupid. If you’re following the canon, I am not sure it’s quite that simple. Although Spike is extremely self-centred, and has done some pretty stupid stuff, we’ve also seen him be very observant and perspicacious on occasion. Consider Something Blue where Spike sarcastically tells Buffy and Giles how blind they are to Willow’s pain. Also The Yoko Factor where Spike spots Tara affectionately twiddling a lock of Willow’s hair and immediately sees how to capitalise on it. Even if he’s not better than average intelligence, he’s been around long enough to have seen and learned a lot about human nature.
In the following text you again tell us Spike’s not that bright. I think the tone does nicely convey the contempt they have for Spike, but it maybe it’s too strongly emphasising his lack of mental capacity?
Also, sometimes Buffy’s mood tends to be quite polarised with Spike. It’s not always clear cut hate.
Giles put down his tea.
Just a scene setting point; when did he pick it up? What kind of cup was it? What kind of tea was it?
there was something both powerful and ancient, and apparently also physically large coming to Sunnydale, and that it may even be here already."
Someone will have to remind me the proper rules on Oxford comma’s, but normally I thought that you want to comma separate each item in a list except for the last which will be preceded by “and”. So the above could become:
…”there was something powerful, ancient and apparently physically large…”
With the babbling associate of Giles, I am wondering why he was babbling. I am wondering where Giles met him and how he managed to extract what information he did. The only thing we’re told about the experience is the words that were exchanged. Nothing about the setting. It stands out a little.
When you go on to mention dwarves, Buffy reacts very quickly, immediately very familiar with the concept. Would she really jump straight to the non-PC reference you mention? I am not sure.
"I don't think we should make too much of the dwarf reference. It doesn't seem to fit, but it may be worth keeping in mind. Either way, I'm going to do a little research because it appears to be the only solid, albeit vague, piece of information that we have." The watcher reached for his tea again.
I am wondering if Giles would be this glib with information. What about:
“, I'm going to do a little research because it appears to be the only information we have.”
You might want to be clearer on the timeframe angles. The fact Willy is still there makes it a bit unclear to me at least.
The Slayer left and Giles headed for the bookshelf. Xander looked around the room, his eyes coming to rest on Willow.
"Will, you ok? You're being sorta quiet today." He questioned softly.
For situations like that, it might be clearer to concatenate the two:
The Slayer left and Giles headed for the bookshelf. Xander looked around the room, his eyes coming to rest on Willow. "Will, you ok? You're being sorta quiet today." He questioned softly.
Keeps it clearer who’s talking. You’ve done this elsewhere.
Am I really attracted to other girls? Is it just a passing thing or is it lifelong? Do I tell the gang? How would they take it? What do I say to Tara? She'll freak. The gang would freak. I can't tell them. I don't even know what to tell them. I mean, I think I'm falling in love with Tara…but she's only one girl. Oh god I'm falling in love?!?! Does that make me…gay? or do I have to fall in love with lots of girls? Is there a point beyond which one becomes gay or is it possible to be 'kinda gay'?
I like the rounding off to this paragraph. Regarding the opening, Willow seems to contradict herself by posing the first question and then immediately leaping on as if the answer to the first point is “yes.” I can see that because she’s not necessarily thinking clearly. I just scans a little unevenly perhaps. Also I am wondering if her first thought about talking about it would be which individual to talk to rather than if she should talk to the gang. I can see her wondering if she could/should talk to Buffy or Xander. Or even Anya who’s more experienced in life than the lot of them.
In terms of phrasing, you fairly consistently refer to Xander as “the carpenter”. Which is fair enough. Just a couple of points though. When it’s from Willow’s PoV, would she think of him in those terms? Also, again referring to timelines, we’ve not clearly established that he’s pursuing the carpentry.
Just an observation on reference to Willow. Would Xander think of her as “the hacker”? He might. Equally I wonder if he’d even know what a hacker is. Would be more likely think of her in terms of her magickal abilities or simply as his friend, confidant etc.
I think Xander can be quite staccato sometimes. Maybe things like:
"Again, I say - huh? Come again?"
Could be more like:
"Again, I say – huh?" or “Again with the huh?!”
"And some people around here have dated - and are still dating - stranger beings than someone of the same sex,
That being the case, Buffy might be a little gentler when talking about Spike.
"And does she know you like her?" Xander probed, fishing for information.
Sort of says the same thing twice. To probe and to fish are really the same thing.
never mind little ol' me?"
Bit Southern there? Maybe a tad anyway. I am trying to think if I’ve heard Willow speak like that. Not sure. I can kind of see her going all kittenish and speaking that way.
The mention of telepathy as Xander tries to encourage Willow she can find out Tara’s orientation or preference feels a little awkward. I am unclear what you’re suggesting.
I like the way you naturally build up to the little slip about Tara being a Wiccan.
"Totally cool Will, this man's lips are super glued. I totally get it, this is one of things you need to work out yourself. I mean, I wouldn't know, but I think coming out to everyone could be classed as a Pretty Big Deal. If you are gonna." He added.
I think Xander’s getting ahead of things there. Maybe keep it minimal. E.g.: "Totally cool Will, this man's lips are super glued.” Followed by a tight lipped gesture.
"No problem. This is what friends are for, OK?" He asked for the understanding of his words.
I hear “That’s” rather than “This”. I see him searching her expression for confirmation of understanding rather than actually saying the words. Just a thought.
At this point, I’ve just realised, I am not sure where we are. Where’s the “Kitchen?”
Given Willow’s lunching with Tara, might she have alluded to that when talking to Xander? Or would he have asked when she’s seeing her next? Willow might have been extra nervous about their lunch knowing that she’s going to ask the question.
Oh goddess I get to see her again in…-she checked her watch- seventeen minutes thirty-four seconds. Ohhhh…she's so amazing. How lucky am I to even know her?
That’s sweet, but you could possibly go a little more understated. The first sentence tells us how excited she is. Also, are you implying she’s wearing a digital watch if she can count seconds that accurately? I can’t remember if we’ve seen Tara wearing a watch, but I am sure it would be analogue…
Also, you may want to drop the initial ellipsis so you just have the watch checking part in hyphen, i.e.:
Oh goddess I get to see her again in-she checked her watch- seventeen minutes thirty-four seconds. Ohhhh…she's so amazing. How lucky am I to even know her?
When Tara goes to sit, would she perhaps scan around for a table to sit at that would allow her to make sure she didn’t miss Willow? I can think she’d be paranoid about not seeing her or not being seen. I can see her standing trying to work out where to sit. Every little thing becomes a big thing.
Where you’ve got Tara rushing to Willow’s aid, it looks very fast, almost fast forward. It’s not clear how far away she is and how easy it is for her to get past tables and chairs to help Willow up. Maybe a bit more layout description?
I like Tara’s response to Willow about getting carried away. It betrays her fear rather than her hope.
She...she's regretting even touching me. Oh goddess that hurts. A tear started it's trek down Tara's cheek, and her head dropped forwards to hide her face behind the shield of her hair.
You could drop the it hurts phrasing. The tear is more powerful and says it all. Also, you want “its” rather than “it’s”.
I like that whole scene, but I am just wondering if Willow might make small talk for longer before diving in?
In the next part…
We’ve not been told what Xander’s doing on campus? What’s his reason? He was usually there for specific reasons.
"'Kay" she blubbered, letting go of him slightly.
They finally got through the door of the dorm room, and Willow flopped down on the bed, tears still streaming down her face.
You might want to introduce a double line space to indicate the passage of time between scenes.
Also, you might want to consider your use of adverbs here. Letting go of high slightly is unclear. She could loosen her grip perhaps instead. I think that makes it a bit clearer.
I am not sure if Xander would refer to himself as “Xan-man” when he’s really clear that Willow’s very upset. I see him being all focussed on her, just encouraging her to speak.
"Hello?" A sleepy Willow answered into the phone.
Is it early morning or late at night?
“gambling”. I hear “gamblin’”
“rumours”
If you’re going for US English, you want “rumors”
After we hear about the Prophecy, I see Willow’s first reaction as for Buffy rather than the world.
The determination of the Scaled One; maybe it’s just me but it seems clear enough from the description that at least one of the gang would jump to the conclusion. Burning under wrath says quite a lot. Also you’ve got another “it’s” that needs to be “its.” You only want the apostrophe if you substituting for a letter.
I like the touch about multi-lingual Spike, but again this clashes with him being described as not that bright. I see more general contempt and loathing than them actually seeing him as dumb.
Nice ending! I want to know how they patch it up??!!
I am a bit concerned the dragon references are more obvious than you probably want them to be.
I do like the whole premise of a misunderstood prophecy. Lost in Translation is right.
I hope you continue!
There's nothing very merry 'bout going round and round.
In fact it might be easier just to imagine this as Hush happening somewhere in the middle of S5.
This is all set against the backdrop of a slightly fantasy-esque storyline involving a dragon and a bunch of unruly, somewhat drunken, but very loyal bunch of Scottish dwarves who will be fighting for the side of good. And I mean dwarves as in the race of dwarves, not as in vertically challenged humans (is that PC?). Hey, it's BtVS, it's fantasy anyway, right? I'm not gonna go totally uber with this or whatever, I'm hoping to keep it within btvs levels of believability.
