Skip to content


Developing: Corruptio Optimi Pessima

This forum is for our fic authors to make their works-in-progress available for community beta-ing, from the initial ideas stage to the draft stage.

Developing: Corruptio Optimi Pessima

Postby silentinformer » Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:21 pm

Title: Corruptio Optimi Pessima

Author : Silentinformer

Spoilers: Seeing as how both the shows have ended I don't think so.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Unless I do and no one told me.

Notes: This story has been floating around my mind for close to a year but since I don't really like to write, partly because I don't think I am any good at it, basically I started writing it for something to do have a gap between my classes and since they are fairly easy classes I work on this instead of homework. Any help with it would be greatly appreciated.

_____________________________________________________________

Prologue

A bright L.A. morning sees a young brunette jogging through the park at a steady pace. When seemingly from nowhere a voice breaks the silence.

“Bristow coming in,” a homeless man by a trashcan mutters to himself.

Unexpectedly the young woman veers under an overpass and seems to run straight at a wall, astonishingly an opening emerges and the young women disappears.

“Bristow In,” drifts on the wind as the opening disappears.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sydney’s Point of view

Arriving at the office is always a surreal experience, the changing of atmosphere is stark once you leave that desolate hallway that leads to the outside world. Once you step through those doors it’s as if hell itself has broken loose, from the chaotic noise to the frenzied rushing most would be intimidated, most weren’t Sydney Bristow to her it was like a welcome home, the only world she had known since she was nineteen and just starting out.

“Sydney briefing in five minutes,” Marshall Calls out as he heads for the conference room.

“Thanks,” I call out while wondering what’s going on it has been quiet around here lately, well quiet compared to the normal chaos I seem to find myself in.

As I enter the conference room I see that my father, Jack Bristow, Marshall, our tech expert, and Vaughn have already arrived it appears that we are waiting on Dixon, our fearless leader as it were.

When Dixon swoops in, for that is the only word to describe it, he jumps right into business.

“Yesterday at approximately 1400 hours an assassination occurred, the victim was one Warren Mears small-time thief and suspected murderer.” Dixon states and while at least the second crime is a very serious one I can’t help but voice my confusion.

“I don’t understand that doesn’t sound like anything that we would handle why aren’t the police taking care of it.”

Dixon looks dead calm but anyone who knows him can see the tiny twitch in his eyebrow as he starts in with his explanation, “The Crime isn’t what is of interest to us it’s the people who carried out the assassination. While most of the time I wouldn’t even bother with an endeavor like this, we have a definite ID on who the trigger man or woman I should say is.”

At that Dixon pushes a button and a picture flashes on the view screen and almost immediately I can feel the blood turn to ice in my veins and hear as the room goes dead quiet.

To the outside observer the young woman pictured could be just a random girl off the street but to my trained eyes I recognize her immediately and want to scream at the injustice, pictured here isn’t just a twenty something brunette of a muscular build, with a calm if not serene expression on her face. Instead to my eyes she is nothing but a ruthless criminal with an even deadlier boss.

Dixon breaks into my thoughts with a rundown of the known facts about the woman, “Pictured here is Faith, no known last name, as you may well know she is wanted by almost every government in the civilized world. While it may be a coincidence Faith was in the same area that Mears was killed we aren’t treating it as such. Further Intelligence also indicates that She was in the area as well.”

With this revelation my stomach plummets while I knew that it was probably the case that She was there didn’t make it any less jarring to here the confirmation.

Almost as suddenly as Dixon can get it out my father jumps in,” You can’t be serious no one would be stupid enough to deal with Her let alone go after Her if they had the choice. This Mears guy yeah he was killed but it’s not like it was any great loss. I don’t see why we’re risking our lives for some two bit thief.”

I have to agree I would deal with Sloane and Sark for the rest of my life than have to face Her.

“Enough,” Dixon shouts with some force,” We are just going to try to gather information right now, no one is going anywhere until we have a solid lead. This was just to apprise you of the situation. Marshall I need you to gather any information you have on Her and have it on my desk by the end of the day. All right people another briefing tomorrow at 8 a.m. don’t be late.”

While I am glad to not be going anywhere till we know all the information that is available it still doesn’t quell the nauseous feeling in my stomach, after all who wouldn’t be nauseous if they found out that before the week was out more than likely they would be hunting Her, and if there is one truth that you can run your life by its that if your looking for Her she will find you first, and whether I liked it or not I was going to be meeting Willow Rosenberg.


Questions? Comments?

Silent
User avatar
silentinformer
4. Extra Flamey
 
Posts: 175
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 5:46 pm
Location: TX


Re: Developing: Corruptio Optimi Pessima

Postby inlerf » Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:52 am

oh, wow, wow, wow, and wow, ALIAS WITH BUFFY? wow.

ok, initial reaction over.

i wonder if you're gonna go with the whole supernatural aspect of BtVS or an AU?

I've never fully watched Alias, just snippets, so i've no idea about characterisation. it's way too complicated if i don't start from the beginning and i'm too poor and lazy to rent.

just a few things:

somewhat of grammar, and in the first paragraph you said "young woman" which became "women" later.

it's warren meers instead of mears. EDIT: apparently mears or meers work as well.

faith's last name is Lehane.

you could put "Sydney's POV" there, although it's a little...blunt, imo. maybe italics it?
and after you said it's her pov, you wrote in third person and abruptly switched to first person ("I"). hmm, first person might be better, since i think alias always used her as narrator no?

and what does the title mean? :D
Last edited by inlerf on Fri Jun 16, 2006 9:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Willow: [pouty] Everyone's getting spanked but me.

"The I in Team"
User avatar
inlerf
6. Sassy Eggs
 
Posts: 402
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:14 pm
Location: Melbourne, Australia


Revised Prologue

Postby silentinformer » Wed Jun 14, 2006 2:02 pm

Title: Corruptio Optimi Pessima

Author : Silentinformer

Spoilers: Seeing as how both the shows have ended I don't think so. Anyway A/U for BTVS and Alias I kinda stopped watching it during one of the seasons I think the one with Lauren cause my head hurt from trying to keep all the facts straight. :stink

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Unless I do and no one told me.


Notes: First off I'd liket to thank Inlerf for the help, didn't even realize, I kinda had an inkling the first paragraph was off but couldn't really put my finger on it. Anyway I hope I Fixed all the errors that were so kindly pointed out to me.

BTW The Title actually means "the corruption of the best is the worst"



Prologue

A bright L.A. morning sees a young brunette jogging through the park at a steady pace. When seemingly from nowhere a voice breaks the silence.

“Bristow coming in,” a homeless man by a trashcan mutters to himself.

Unexpectedly the young woman veers under an overpass and seems to run straight at a wall, astonishingly an opening emerges and the young woman disappears.

“Bristow In,” drifts on the wind as the opening disappears.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sydney’s POV

Arriving at the office is always a surreal experience, the changing of atmosphere is stark once I leave the desolate hallway that leads to the outside world. As I step through those doors it’s as if hell itself has broken loose, from the chaotic noise to the frenzied rushing most would be intimidated, most weren’t me, to me it’s like a welcome home, the only world I’ve known since I was nineteen and just starting out.

“Sydney briefing in five minutes,” Marshall Calls out as he heads for the conference room.

“Thanks,” I call out while wondering what’s going on it has been quiet around here lately, well quiet compared to the normal chaos I seem to find myself in.

As I enter the conference room I see that my father, Jack Bristow, Marshall, our tech expert, and Vaughn have already arrived it appears that we are waiting on Dixon, our fearless leader as it were.

When Dixon swoops in, for that is the only word to describe it, he jumps right into business.

“Yesterday at approximately 1400 hours an assassination occurred, the victim was one Warren Meers small-time thief and suspected murderer.” Dixon states and while at least the second crime is a very serious one I can’t help but voice my confusion.

“I don’t understand that doesn’t sound like anything that we would handle, why aren’t the police taking care of it?”

Dixon looks dead calm but anyone who knows him can see the tiny twitch in his eyebrow as he starts in with his explanation, “The Crime isn’t what is of interest to us it’s the people who carried out the assassination. While most of the time I wouldn’t even bother with an endeavor like this, we have a definite ID on who the trigger man or woman I should say is.”

At that Dixon pushes a button and a picture flashes on the view screen and almost immediately I can feel the blood turn to ice in my veins and hear as the room goes dead quiet.

To the outside observer the young woman pictured could be just a random girl off the street but to my trained eyes I recognize her immediately and want to scream at the injustice, pictured here isn’t just a twenty something brunette of a muscular build, with a calm if not serene expression on her face. Instead to my eyes she is nothing but a ruthless criminal with an even deadlier boss.

Dixon breaks into my thoughts with a rundown of the known facts about the woman, “Pictured here is Faith Lehane, as you may well know she is wanted by almost every government in the civilized world. While it may be a coincidence she was in the same area that Meers was killed we aren’t treating it as such. Further Intelligence also indicates that She was in the area as well.”

With this revelation my stomach plummets, while I knew that it was probably the case that She was there didn’t make it any less jarring to here the confirmation.

Almost as suddenly as Dixon puts the information out there my father jumps in,” You can’t be serious no one would be stupid enough to deal with her let alone go after her if they had the choice. This Meers guy yeah he was killed but it’s not like it was any great loss. I don’t see why we’re risking our lives for some two bit thief.”

I have to agree I would deal with Sloane and Sark for the rest of my life than have to face Her.

“Enough,” Dixon shouts with some force,” We are just going to try to gather information right now, no one is going anywhere until we have a solid lead. This was just to apprise you of the situation. Marshall I need you to gather any information you have on Her and have it on my desk by the end of the day. All right people another briefing tomorrow at 8 a.m. don’t be late.”

While I am glad to not be going anywhere till we know all the information that is available it still doesn’t quell the nauseous feeling in my stomach, after all who wouldn’t be sick if they found out that before the week was out more than likely they would be hunting Her, and if there is one truth that you can run your life by its that if your looking for Her she will find you first, and whether I liked it or not I was going to be meeting Willow Rosenberg.

Questions? Comments?

Silent
Last edited by silentinformer on Thu Jun 15, 2006 3:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
silentinformer
4. Extra Flamey
 
Posts: 175
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 5:46 pm
Location: TX


Re: Developing: Corruptio Optimi Pessima

Postby The_Lord_J » Thu Jun 15, 2006 10:26 am

A very interesting start; it grabbed my attention straight away. If I knew more about this Alias thing, I would offer to to beta it, in fact. Alas, I know nowt about said program (? I'm assuming it's a program!) so I don't think I'm the right person for the job.

However, I'll keep reading, so keep in mind that you will need to explain parts of the 'Alias' influence as they come to light to the reader, but somehow do it without it being distract to someone who knows what Alias is all about. You seem to have done a pretty good job of that so far (I have a vague idea that it something a bit La Femme Nikita-esque - that's the image it's conjuring up in my head).

The only real main problem that I spotted where some sentences that needed breaking up a bit; commas, semicolons, hyphens etc rather than just running into the next word.

Keep it up!
"Bugger, I thought you'd gone!" - Ethan Rayne
User avatar
The_Lord_J
3. Flaming O
 
Posts: 69
Joined: Mon May 30, 2005 9:56 am
Location: Birmingham, UK


Re: Developing: Corruptio Optimi Pessima

Postby silentinformer » Thu Jun 22, 2006 4:01 pm

Ok I have a question does anyone know willow's middle name, I have seen it as Danielle alot but just trying to be sure.

Thanks for the help.

Silent
User avatar
silentinformer
4. Extra Flamey
 
Posts: 175
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 5:46 pm
Location: TX


Re: Developing: Corruptio Optimi Pessima

Postby inlerf » Thu Jun 22, 2006 6:31 pm

supposedly joss's idea was it be danielle, although it has never (i think) appeared on screen.
Willow: [pouty] Everyone's getting spanked but me.

"The I in Team"
User avatar
inlerf
6. Sassy Eggs
 
Posts: 402
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:14 pm
Location: Melbourne, Australia


Re: Developing: Corruptio Optimi Pessima

Postby silentinformer » Thu Jun 22, 2006 6:42 pm

Thanks, I should probably have the next part up by sunday (even though I shouldn't be doing anything but a research paper, the rough draft is due next wednesday).

Silent :sh
User avatar
silentinformer
4. Extra Flamey
 
Posts: 175
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 5:46 pm
Location: TX


Re: Developing: Corruptio Optimi Pessima

Postby DaddyCatALSO » Fri Jun 23, 2006 5:18 am

"Danielle" is mentioned in the Wikipedia article and may or may not actually be in one of the original shooting scripts butb definitely was never used on air. (Wish I'd known about that,a nd I asked, before I had Tara call her "Willow Lynn" while lecturing her a bit in one of my own fics....)
Snapshots:http://thekittenboard.com/board/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=10210 a Love Story
____________________________________________________________
Kim: (breaks off the kissing) I l... (Sue stops her with a hand)
Sue: We don't talk about things like that right after, you know that, no saying those things in The Moment.
Kim: (moves the hand aside) Screw The Moment. I *love* you.
DaddyCatALSO
10. Troll Hammer
 
Posts: 1163
Topics: 1
Joined: Thu Apr 28, 2005 2:08 pm
Location: Easton PA


Return to Board index

Return to Beta Pens

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


Powered by phpBB The phpBB Group © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007
Style based on a Cosa Nostra Design