Posts: 94
Registered: Dec 2000 posted January 15, 2001 22:22
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This is my first attempt at the Gudanov fic selection. I picked ‘Love, Honor, and Obey’ by Kirk B. It can be found on ExtraFlamey: Love, Honor, and Obey.
Please read it and post comments too, on the story, my comments or both. Fic writers live on feedback so don’t be shy.

A plot! I gotta have plot to like a story and this one is strong and consistent. No major plot holes either, it feels well thought out. In general the text flowed well too, I didn’t stumble over words as I read. I enjoyed the interaction between Willow and Tara during the length of the story. I also thought Giles was done well too. Khan was a good character too, I felt sorry for the big guy. I thought the action parts were great. Fight scenes are hard to do, and I thought you did a really good job. The pacing in chapters 7 through 11 was so good I had a hard time reading slow enough to make comments.

Good things that struck me as I read. This is pretty random.

Chapter 1
Some nice description at the very beginning. Makes for a strong beginning.

Chapter 2
I thought Giles was done nicely. His dialogue seemed spot on.

Chapter 3
She wiggled her fingers in a min-wave. "Hi." - Very Willow. Nice touch.

Liked Ariel talking about discovering she was dead.

Chapter 4
Liked the transition from Chapter 3 to Chapter 4.

Willow shook her head. "Nothing."
"Willow, you are a very talented young woman, but lying has never been one of your strong suites. You have a tendency to...how should I say this? Crinkle up your face."
The redhead did her best to take this in stride, and cleared her throat. "I do? Really?" He nodded, and when she turned to look over her shoulder at Tara, the other girl nodded too. - I though this was a cute exchange.

Mystic Supplies Monthy Magazine - heh.

Mr. tall, dark and gruesome - Like it, seems like something Xander would say too. Should use caps on tall, dark, gruesome with that sort of usage.

Chapter 6
Nice twist with Ariel being the bad of the story instead of the demon.

Holding off the demon is a nice extrapolation from tossing around a vending machine. Vending machines are damn heavy.

Chapter 7
Like the title "Window of Souls".

Chapter 11
You do a pretty good job of Buffy dialogue during combat, something that I think is exceptionally difficult to do.

One of these sucky-bitches? – heh. Good Xander line.

= = = =

Now for the critical stuff. The big thing that struck me are the inconsistent points of view. In a lot of the scenes I’ll be in a particular character’s point of view, seeing the scene as she sees it and then suddenly I’m seeing it from another character’s point of view. I think the writing would be smoother and stronger if the point of view remains consistent through a scene. I’m sensitive to this since my first fic got wacked a few times for this same issue. (If you ever read my stuff this, compare ‘Kiss the Demon’ to any later fic to see the difference. KtD has inconsistent POVs and the others don’t). Actually, since Willow and Tara are in every scene, I think it would be stronger to have the entire story through the POV of just one of them. Not first person necessarily, just from her viewpoint.

There are also some missing words here and there. I know they are hard to catch because I also fill them in mentally when I re-read my own stuff. It’s minor, but it stands out when you hit one.

The critical things that sprung out at me. Again pretty random.

Chapter 1
Have we ever seen Willow in anything like a thin lace nightgown? We’ve seen PJs in the dorm.

Chapter 2
Why is Buffy at the hospital? I know why from season 5, but Joyce wasn’t always at the hospital during the season. I would like "Buffy is with her mother at the hospital" or something like that.

The spell had been performed according to the ritual prescribed in the book laying on the floor between them, but instead of the ghost they had unknowingly drawn the attention of strange, fairy-like creatures, which were in no particular hurry to abandon the mortal plane. They were supposed to be guides, to help them find a particular entity, and yet they were acting like tiny children. - I’d rather see this real time instead of being told about it.

Why aren’t Willow and Tara upset by Xander interrupting their spell?

Chapter 3
They had already said their good-byes to Xander and Anya, at the theater, though they weren't sure if it had actually gotten though to the other couple or not. - Might be amusing to show this instead of telling it.

Chapter 4
Why does Willow say nothing is wrong when they went to Giles specifically for help? It seems odd. I like the exchange that follows though.

When did Ariel tell Tara and Willow about being murdered? I assume it happened out of scene, but why not just include it in chapter 3. That could be worked into the conversation about finding out she isn’t dead.

Why are Xander and Anya back at the Magic Box? They went to dinner and a movie why wouldn’t they have gone back to Xander’s or Anya’s apartment? It would be too late for the store to still be open anyhow after an evening movie.

Of course, for everyone but Ariel, he did not need to finish that sentence. - I think you really need to establish that this is happening while Joyce is getting treatment.

Chapter 5
The transition was jarring to me. Maybe something indicating that Buffy had come over on Giles’ request would help. Or actually show Giles contacting Buffy.

Anya stood up. "I'll come too. I'm not going to leave you alone with Xander." - Doesn’t Xander go off without Anya quite a bit?

The redhead frowned. "I don't know. I mean, there's nothing here." She slipped around the door and moved into the crypt, momentarily out of Tara's sight. "Maybe Ariel brought us to the wrong place? A lot of these crypts do look..." Her voice was suddenly silenced by a shrill scream. - This is confusing to me it sounds like Willow stopped talking because she heard someone scream, but the action indicates that Willow screamed.

Chapter 6
Not so long ago, such an increase in power would have troubled her, since she was convinced that her magic came from a demon within her. But now thanks to Willow and the others--including Spike, surprisingly enough--she had stood up to her family and learned the truth. She was not a demon and magic was neither inherently good or evil, it was only a mirror for the caster and the intent in which it was used. - It’s jarring to have this much exposition in the middle of action. Could you tighten it up?

They know a translation spell off the top of their head? Wouldn’t they have to look up something like that?

Chapter 7
Seems odd that Ariel would change forms here and then try to convince W&T the demon is still the bad guy, why not keep her little girl form for this argument?

The Succubus sneered. "Mortal fools! You couldn't even keep a lowly Golothi at bay. What made me think the slayer and her friends would be any more capable? All of my power used to influence you and yours into killing this monster, wasted!" She shook her head, and laughed at the demon. "Your pathetic little Alyssa gave me more of a challenge. These two are nothing!" – This is confusing. What did she think W&T were more capable than? Herself? If so, than why did she say "lowly" Golothi?

Chapter 11

Buffy was more confused than ever. This was weird, even for Sunnydale.
"Intriguing."
Rupert Giles sat in…

Jarring transition.

Rane
Willowhand

Posts: 342
Registered: Sep 2000 posted January 15, 2001 22:51
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hey gud! impressive feedback. i was just wondering if you asked the fic writers first before posting this? some people can be really shy to having their stuff critiqued/commented online...


Gudanov
Doll's eye crystal

Posts: 94
Registered: Dec 2000 posted January 15, 2001 22:55
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Yeah he gave me the okay, I'm only going to do this if the author is cool with it.


Kirk B
Doll's eye crystal

Posts: 105
Registered: Oct 2000 posted January 16, 2001 02:16
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I'm definitely cool with it.
I love this kind of feedback, and I almost NEVER get it under normal circumstances.

Thanks, Gud.

You've given me some stuff to think about. I may have to give LH&O another read, and see if I can incorporate some of your suggestions.

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Kirk B

"Even when I'm at my worst, you always make me feel special. How do you do that?"

"Magic."

xita
Ms. Moderator Fantastico

Posts: 2674
Registered: Sep 2000 posted January 16, 2001 03:01
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Gudanov, this is a very good idea. And your feedback is fantastic. I am going to read this again later (yes i have read it, of course) and try to add some comments. Gudanov you worked hard on this, this is fantastic.


fell
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 155
Registered: Nov 2000 posted January 17, 2001 07:02
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i second xita's comment, gudanov- this is a great idea, especially with all the writers posting on this board. maybe you should make her your next victim, if she's willing! actually, i only suggest this because i luv xita's writing. i'm looking forward to reading her just-posted fic.
another worthwhile read is 'where the heart is' by dennis, who i think is the same person as corporeal dennis that posts here (my sincere apologies if i'm mistaken.)

my personal favorite is rane's 'velvet web' series- very imaginative! though she tells me she's in the midst of a major rewrite so that one will have to wait.

i'll definitely post on kirk b.'s 'love, honor' and obey' soon. like you, i put a lot of thought and care into my critiqe of someone's work- anything less would be disrespectful of their effort.

there was a thread a week or so ago (started by you?) where a lot of fic writers posting on the kitten board identified themselves, so i would think there should be a lot of interest in this kind of thing. maybe if you post a selection each week it will engender some consistent feedback.

Gudanov
Doll's eye crystal

Posts: 94
Registered: Dec 2000 posted January 17, 2001 08:51
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I'm looking forward more comments on the fic. I'm planning on doing another fic, but maybe not every week. Thanks for the suggestions, if one of thoses authors gives the okay I'll be glad to make one of those fics my next.

Any volunteers for the next one?


april
Gay Now!

Posts: 1191
Registered: Oct 2000 posted January 17, 2001 11:09
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hey, this fic-reviewing thing is pretty neat!
as much as i *adore* "where the heart is", though, might it be sort of hard to review an NC-17 fic on this board? there are things we simply can't post due to their graphic nature, right?

as someone who loves to read and is starting to write fic, i definately have some comments to make on what i think works and doesn't work in a sex scene, but some of them are sort of explicit...

Gudanov
Doll's eye crystal

Posts: 94
Registered: Dec 2000 posted January 18, 2001 22:34
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Does anyone have a fic they want to be the next Gud fic selection? Please only suggest fics that you've written since I don't want to post a critque on someone who doesn't want me to.


fell
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 155
Registered: Nov 2000 posted January 19, 2001 05:18
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quote:
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Originally posted by april:
as much as i *adore* "where the heart is", though, might it be sort of hard to review an NC-17 fic on this board? there are things we simply can't post due to their graphic nature, right?

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i had exactly the same thought. some of the best fics contain very erotic scenes. what's the policy on this, ms moderators? would a warning posted on the thread heading (a la spoilers) suffice or would the discussion have to take place in another forum, perhaps with a link? if so, perhaps it could be posted at a fic site, like extra flamey.