It's Is It Friends or Lover's Wednesday MKF? 9/25/02

[oneyedchicklet]

Greetings Kittens and Happy Hump Day!!!

Ok, I didn't see a daily thread and I've had some thoughts wondering around in my head. So I thought "what a better idea then to get some Kitten advice by starting a daily thread"

Yesterday, I had some problems with a "friend" I said somethings that I shouldn't have said and we both ended up very upset. I almost ended the relationship because of these things and I spent most of the day a miserable bitch.

Our relationship began as friends and has developed into something a little stronger. I know she is worried that if this relationship doesn't work out then we can't go back to being just friends. I love her so much and when I'm not with her I have an emptiness inside that only she fills. She has been there for me as a friend through another mini relationship but my true feelings have been for her for a while now.

Last night we talked and in my opinion, worked things out. I expained that I needed her in my life in either as a lover or a friend. I'll take whatever I can get. But I can honestly say that I have never felt so strongly and had so much love for someone before in my life.

So I have two questions for the kittens: Have you ever wanted more from a relationship then just friendship? and Once you've crossed the friendship line, can you go back?

Have a good Wednesday Kittens. It's my day off so I know I will.

Love to All
Barb
and to you Baby!!!

[themagicpixie]

Well I definitely wanted to be more than friends with my current g/f but then we got together about a week after we met!

I had a friend who said she was in love with me, and had been for a long time. I resisted anything happening between us because I wasn't really interested in her and to mess around just for "fun" probably would have ruined our friendship - I think she would have attached more to it than I would have. Course I could just have a big ego.

I think it's different where you really feel strongly for someone. I think you have to take the risk, or you will regret it, especially if the other person feels for you too. It could work out great!

[tommo]

You know, not wishing to speak for all lesbians here, but I've often found that a lot of lesbians blur that line between friendship and "something else" quite a bit. Certainly in my experience, anyway. And it's so freakin' hard to decide where that line lies anyway. I mean, yes, someone understands how you feel, someone understands where you're coming from, someone isn't totally hideous to the eye. Makes sense that you might want to pursue something more than just friends.

However...and this is a big however, how in frilly heck do you do that without risking the friendship, as was? I don't know. I'm crap at any kind of relationship, to be honest, whether it's friends or lovers or both or whatever. Mostly, I prefer to be aloof and dismally depressed a lot of the time, with some hot monkey sex thrown in for good measure.

So those of you who consider yourself my friends...just watch out. Hot. Monkey. Sex.

Nuff said.

[WebWarlock]

This is a problem.

I have always had women as very close friends. My whole life really, I just love the company of women. And being a hormonally driven guy that has lead to "interesting" problems.

Some of may know my history. My wife started out in college as my best friend ONLY. We were very adamant about never crossing that friend-other line. We would even set each other all the time. We know all of each other's dirty stories and embarassing moments. And for five years we kept that up.

Well...best laid intentions...got my best laid! She moved away after graduation and THEN we decided to cross the line to "other" only when that line got 300 miles wide!

We both knew though that we could have destroyed a wonderful friendship if this had not worked out. So there was a bit a trepidation of course. But I am happy to say that was almost 10 years ago and we are still together and we still consider each other our best friends.

But it is a problem you have to consider before moving past it. Maybe it is different for some of you, but it usually has ruined some friendships for me in the past.

Well completely unrelated. Have a great hump-day!

Warlock

[oneyedchicklet]

[quote:2af398304b][b:2af398304b][i:2af398304b]Quote:[/i:2af398304b][/b:2af398304b]

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So those of you who consider yourself my friends...just watch out. Hot. Monkey. Sex

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[/quote:2af398304b]

Now Ruth, I seemed to have misplaced my Bisexual/Lesbian Politically Correct Handbook. Is Hot. Monkey. Sex. the PC term for Wild. Meaningless. Sex.? If so can I be your friend? I'll flash you my very miniscule breasts anytime? After all, you are a Hot Doofus.

But seriously, I think as long as the relationship is strong enough, you can go back once you've crossed the line.

Love to All,
Barb

[i:2af398304b] edited because i'm a doofus, not a hot doofus just a doofus[/i:2af398304b]

[Rosenberg]

Have you ever wanted more from a relationship than just friendship?

Yes.

Once you've crossed the friendship line, can you go back?

No.

I just thought Id be very succinct and to the point today, but I guess youre probably looking for more elaboration, eh? Its been my experience after many years that its almost impossible for me to go back to being just friends after being physically involved with someone. Crossing that line changes the dynamics of a relationship in a way that makes being with that person in a non-physical sense extremely difficult. It completely alters the way I look at and relate with her and trying to eliminate those responses make it such a challenge that its almost not worth the effort involved. I wind up feeling that I cant be honest and genuine and open with the other person. I spend so much time trying to censor myself that I really cant enjoy being together because it takes too much of an emotional toll. Moving from an intimate form of relating to one thats less intense and personal is something that I have a hard time doing; consequently, in the last 26 years, I have not re-established a friendship with a former lover. Of course, thats just my personal experience. I tend to be an emotional and feeling type of person, so it may be harder for me than it may be for others. Im sure there are many other people who have no problem with moving on to a friendship. It just depends on the individuals involved. Anyway, good luck to you and I hope whatever you choose works out for the best.

       

[WebWarlock]

Well outside of my current and permenant lover, I only have a friendship with one other former lover. She happens to be one of Natalie's friends and we all have a long history together. Plus we all have kids now, so that makes things a little different.

I am editing my book on Witches today. Man. I can't just stop thinking about poor Willow the whole time.

Warlock

[Zahir al Daoud]

Hmmm. A few years back I was in a relationship, when my GF suddenly ended it without warning ([i:8f02816bcd]word to the wise--watch out of Aquaria[/i:8f02816bcd]). That hurt. A lot. We tried to remain friends, but I think she wanted a cleaner break than I was capable of. She wanted us to be friends, but the fact she'd inflicted so much pain (I literally spent twenty minutes screaming at one point) got in the way, along with the limits she liked to put on friendships. Plus all our mutual friends decided they had to "choose sides" for some reason, and they all chose her. Not overtly, of course, but it became pretty clear. At one point I was so wretched I went up to several at an event, begging them to simply call me and talk--what movies had they seen, what shopping trips were they planning on, etc. All promised to.

That was four years ago. Not one call from any of 'em.

Do I sound bitter? Well, yeah.

On the other hand, my fiancee and I met via the web. Along the way I bumped into her issues once hard enough to cause a nasty reaction--so nasty I cut off all contact with her. She went into therapy, then called me months later to apologize.

We plan on living happily ever after.

Does that answer your question?

Halfway to Friday, Kittens!

[Hanki]

well me and my ex girlfriend have some freak ass kind of friendship going on so who knows? i guess it can happen.

have a great day kitties!

[cassiopeia191]

A friend of mine and I got involved in that kind of complicated relationship...we never officially declared what was going on but we both knew that our feelings crossed the line of friendship. Because of bad circumstances (we were on two different continents after having met in the US), we didn't take it anywhere far. But after that, we never got back to normal friendship because it's just too hurtful. But the time we spent together will always be special to me and I don't know if another choice would had been better.

Question #1: My first love didn't really reciprocate my feelings. Ugly story. We were both 14.
We're friends again, though. So, you know, same story, different ending.

[tommo]

[quote:acb9fa8637][b:acb9fa8637][i:acb9fa8637]Quote:[/i:acb9fa8637][/b:acb9fa8637]

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[b:acb9fa8637] Is Hot. Monkey. Sex. the PC term for Wild. Meaningless. Sex.? If so can I be your friend? I'll flash you my very miniscule breasts anytime? After all, you are a Hot Doffus.[/b:acb9fa8637]

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[/quote:acb9fa8637]

I'm going to assume you meant Doofus. And yes, I shorely am.

So yeah, anyone wanting to be my "friend" is more than welcome to flash their breasts. Miniscule or otherwise. I'm easy that way.

Um, well actually, I'm easy in [b:acb9fa8637] every[/b:acb9fa8637] way.

[Always E]

Wow...good question. I've done the friends to lover's crossover and back again on more than one occassion. In some instances we were able to go back to being "just friends", but usually the friendship became distant and often strained. In some cases the relationship just ended in the ways that bad break-ups end, and then No...don't talk to the ex at all. Unless I feel like having a screaming match.

In one particular case, my best friend...other than my soulmate...my Buffy if you will...decided to cross the line. Background information might be useful...she's devoutedly staight and I am devoutedly NOT!!! She was still suffering post-divorce depression and I was milking a broken heart...again...I was really drunk...she was really sober...I made a really bad choice and when the offer was made...I jumped...her...quite literally. That's probably way too much information, but please note I'm not really that much of an asshole usually.*GRIN* Anyway, the next morning I woke up and realized what I had done...I felt horrible, but my best friend thought we would just move naturally into the whole girlfriend realm. I love her dearly, but we were sooooo not meant to be together. I panicked and told her I had stuff to do and I would call her later...then shoved her out the door. Again let me say that I really am not this horrible of a person...I SWEAR!!! Needless to say...how do you recover from something like that, but believe it or not, it is possible. After I got over the initial shock of bedding my best friend, while I was really drunk, and then shoving her out the front door without much of a "by your leave...", we sat down and talked. We talked and talked...we cried...we stopped talking for a week...her other friends and family offered to take out a contract on my life, and this is Vegas so not an idle threat...we cried some more, and I thought I had lost my best friend. However, we both discovered that we missed the friendship more than anything else and we recovered. Now, believe it or not, we're closer than ever. She's even the one who convinced the love of my life not to end our relationship before it ever really got started. For that I am forever in her debt...Oh sorry my mind wandered. Where was I going with this...Oh Yeah...I guess whether a crossover will ruin the friendship if it doesn't work out has everything to do with the people involved. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. That's probably not much help, but I find that following your heart is always the best choice...that way you can never look back and wonder "What If?"...

That's way more than my two cents worth, but apparently my fingers needed the excersise...Oh wait that sounds like...Oh never mind.

Good Luck with whatever happens!

-E

[Rosenberg]

So yeah, anyone wanting to be my "friend" is more than welcome to flash their breasts. Miniscule or otherwise. I'm easy that way.

Hmmmmaybe Ill have to amend my views on the whole friendship thing now. Of course, after Im done flashing, you may want to reconsider your offer.       

[snuggle79]

hmm, i knew a girl a couple of weeks ago. We started as friends, saw each other a lot, met a lot, talked a lot, and all that nice stuff. But after a while it changed more and more to a flirty thing from both sides. To me, it was pretty obvious that this thing was turning to more, than just a normal friendship. But after nearly 6 months she suddenly broke up the contact. She is not calling me anymore, she is barely once a month online and don't even ask about "seeing" each other. That's passe. Last time i saw her, is almost 7 weeks ago. I still can't believe that she is acting that ugly towards me. And i still have no explanation for it. Maybe it became too serious for her. I have no idea. It just makes me sad, that i don't know, if we at least are friends anymore.
So, i guess not even friendship and definetly no lover-status with this girl anymore.

[Arwen]

Oneyed, tough decision making.

In my experience, I guess I was sort of lucky. I was best friends with this person, and it developed into something quite intense very suddenly, and it was great for a while, but we were both so worried about it changing our friendship as well that it didn't last. I was lucky in that we were able to remain friends, but the sad part of it is that we've steadily grown apart. So, it's a very tough decision to make. We're still friends, but we're not the friends we used to be, and I wish we were. I miss that closeness we had pre-relationship. Sometimes these things can become so messy, yet in others they work like a charm. It's always so very hard to say. Ack, I shouldn't be giving advice on this. You're in my thoughts!

[oneyedchicklet]

Sorry Ruth I fixed it and please be gracious and forgive my spelling error. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me for calling you a "Hot Doffus, I'll make it longer then a flash. I'm looking foward to the Hot. Monkey. Sex. though.

Love to All
Barb

[Tulipp]

Wow. Now that's a question. Hmmm

Have I ever wanted more from a friendship than friendship? Sure. I'm a lesbian.

Is it possible to go back?

You know, a couple of years ago I would have said yes. Now I want to say yes but find myself saying no, not really. Or at least, once you cross the line, maybe you can go forward, but you can't go back. It's just not the same. There is something forever altered, especially if there are other people involved than the two who are the two.

And that is the extent of my wisdom for today. Please, back to Hot. Monkey. Sex.

[Jherek5150]

Have I ever thought about? Yes. Would I ever act on it? An emphatic hell no! The object of my past affection is completely unattainable for me, and to even try to act on it would ruin two things I value almost more than my own life. To comment more would be dishonorable, but I will say: I could never have her heart, but, as God as my witness, I will forever be her friend, and my life will be better by far.

"I now make a new vow, one weighed in experience and proclaimed with my eyes open: I will not raise my scimitars except in defense: in defense of my principles, of my life, or of others who cannot defend themselves."

[The Big I T]

[b:036b250e8c]Quote:[/b:036b250e8c]

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Or at least, once you cross the line, maybe you can go forward, but you can't go back. It's just not the same.

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And to this I say...yep, pretty much. Doesn't necessarily mean that's a bad or "lesser" thing. Just a "different" thing. And, from personal experience, it can *sometimes* even end up being a sort of "better" thing. We went there. We came back. And I have to say we're still going strong -- as *friends* -- all these many years later. Just in a *different* way. Then again, maybe we just got really, really lucky somehow. If that makes any sense.

And yeah...now back to talking about the Hot. Monkey. Sex.

[i:036b250e8c]Edited to add: Just to be clear, I'm *not* recommending this as a way to build a stronger or *better* friendship. God forbid! It only happened the one time for me, and I know how damned lucky I am that it worked out the way it did.[/i:036b250e8c]

[sweetmisery21]

I'm in that current situation of wanting more than just a friendship, but I know that the chances of it happening are very slim mainly because of the distance. So, with that said, I'm just happy with the friendship we have and I don't want to lose that.

[Pipsqueak]

Zahir, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were one of my college buddies. Exact same thing happened to him; he and my best friend broke up, and we all gravitated towards her instead of him. But to be fair, there were other factors involved. He developed creepy stalker-like tendencies after the break-up because he just couldn't let go, which freaked the rest of us out.

Anyway, my experience has shown that you CAN go back to being friends, but you can't go back to being BEST friends. I had a "fling" with one of my friends during my freshman year of college. We were both part of the same group of acquaintances that always hung out together. It was stupid; I was totally into him, and couldn't see that he really didn't like me very much and was only with me because there was no one else around. Long story short, I bought a clue and ended the quasi-relationship, and we stayed on good terms with each other. I didn't have a problem being around him, and we had fun whenever we hung out with the rest of the group. But would I still confide in him one-on-one, discussing our innermost secrets? No way.

Also, one lesson that I learned the hard way - several times over - is that friendship is great and dating is great, but the gray area in between friendship and dating is VERY VERY BAD and it's just a matter of time before you get hurt. I will never again have any kind of relationship with someone without knowing [i:3a8d9db7d4] exactly[/i:3a8d9db7d4] what type of relationship it is, and making sure that they are on the same page. Otherwise, you get misunderstandings and accusations and arguments and your boyfriend goes and sleeps with someone else because he thought the two of you were just "really really good friends" and nothing more.

oh, I'm sorry, was that too much information? Terribly sorry.

[Brizeack]

Time to cut the shyness crap and delurk to say...

Have I ever wanted more from a relationship than just friendship? Two words: Hell yes. For four years...

But everyone's heard the "falling in love with the best friend who's straight" story, so not much explanation is needed there. It wouldn't be so bad if I was out, but I'm not (even though it's completely obvious...). And all my friends are boy-crazy, which is always fun when talking about relationships, or people, or... anything in general...

[caged heart]

I was in a similar situation with my current g/f (before we got together, obviously). I was attracted to her from the first day we met, but she had never been with a girl and considered herself straight. We became good friends though, and my feelings for her just got stronger. She admitted that she loved me, that I was her best friend, but she said she couldn't give me the kind of relationship I wanted. So we swam the murky waters of somewhere between friends and dating for a while - we'd sleep in the same bed, play silly little games that sometimes involved stripping down to our underwear - stuff like that. Another factor to throw in is that she lives in NY & I live in MD. So on top of not wanting a lesbian relationship, she didn't want a long distance relationship either. Anyway... the shit hit the fan when I went out to a club with some friends from school & met a girl. Nothing big, we danced together, she thought I was cute. Somehow I ended up telling my now-g/f about it, and everything fell apart. She didn't want to lose me, but was afraid to commit to a real g/f relationship, etc. We took a day to cool off. Then I don't remember how it happened exactly, but she ended up saying that she wanted to be my girlfriend. We said we'd try it out and see what happened. We're still together, so I can't really say what will happen to our friendship if we ever break up. I hope that never happens. But I also hope that if it does we'll be able to be friends again eventually. Anyway, that's my story. Don't know if that helps you at all. Good luck.

[tommo]

Hey, welcome Briezak. Be sure to post in the introduction thread so many kittens can shower you with promises of hot monkey sex.

Ooh, waitaminute. That's um, just me.

[Dumbsaint]

Hey, me too. I'm all for the promises of hot monkey love.

[tommo]

Well, never let it be said that I left a Dumbsaint craving unsatisfied...

[i:c377776553] *cough-ho-cough*[/i:c377776553]

[Brizeack]

You gals can promise all the hot monkey sex you want, but let it be known that you are offering it to a youngen'. (So I'm a few months shy of 18, oh well.) But hey, I'm never one to turn down a nice grope or two.

Edited to add a quick thanks to caged heart for the luck. Thanks!

Edited again because I'm a perfectionist.

[Mrs Vertigo]

[quote:fc72bb17dd][b:fc72bb17dd][i:fc72bb17dd]Quote:[/i:fc72bb17dd][/b:fc72bb17dd]

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Hey, welcome Briezak. Be sure to post in the introduction thread so many kittens can shower you with promises of hot monkey sex

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[/quote:fc72bb17dd]

Ruth, stop abusing the newbies.

oh, wait, Flaming O still counts for newbie too, eh?
damn.

now, heh, have I ever wanted more than the frienship? [i:fc72bb17dd] sure[/i:fc72bb17dd]... didn't get me more than the friendship, though. She was straight, yada yada yada. Tough luck for me, I guesss.

Did I ever cross the friendship line and went back? Sorta. He's such a beautiful guy, almost the only guy I have [i:fc72bb17dd] ever[/i:fc72bb17dd] been attracted to in my life. We've never been best friends but we've always had the chemistry - and we've acted on it on occassion. Our friendship, that has never been very intense, has remained perfectly intact, as it is very clear to the both of us that we were'nt "meant" to be together or anything. We just both find the other attractive and feel comfortable to act on that attraction. It's very wierd, but I love it. I don't think it'll go any further, though, in neither department. Mabey that's the only way such a relationship can work - when there's no intesity in either the friendship or the "something else".


Edited because i'm BAD with computers.

[Sweetjane]

hot.monkey.sex.

thats just one of the things i've been trying to incorporate into my slumber parties... well , that and the 'ping-pong ball trick' i like to do after 7 really long island teas. but thats a [i:34416f29e6] whole[/i:34416f29e6] other thing kittens...

welcome Brion i speak to you as a big knowledge woman , a superior if you may......i am a couple of months post-18 so i'm like a whole other generation ...

the fated line between love and friendship ... IMO and experiance , it can be crossed and i think you can return to a friendship , but of course the friendship is changed. it has always been my pattern to be really good friends first , thats just a way i get into relationships - so many things can be said easier in 'friend' and not 'lover' terms.

thats my penny.....now wheres my goddamn long island ice tea......

[Taz]

Yes to both of course having been in the sex partners back to friends and watched several people go thru it, it is hard and doesn't always work out. My former lover is one of my best friends.
Hey, tommo my soon to be wife says I can flash my 36C's at you but, don't touch-so there's my offer.