Relinquished Symmetry

[hidden watson]

Oh wow. That was action packed. Too often, written words don't accurate describe the fast pace and chaos of a fight scene, but that was very exciting! Glad to see all the Scoobies are effective monster fighters in their own way, Xander and Anya working together, Wesley with his sword (albeit with limited result) and even Dawn with her crossbow.



I was afraid that when Willow eventually reached Revello Drive she'd find an empty house and, disappointed, skunk back to her mansion, and the issue with Tara remains unsolved. Now, surrounded by family (or ex- but hopefully soon-to-be reconciled family) this is the best chance of her and Tara making a start to fixing their magic and their relationship. Tara's hesistation at using magic is too dangerous on the hellmouth.



I got first reply, right? Yay!

------

quiet thoughts

[GayNow]

Again, heartbreaking. Tara staring at her hands at the end of the battle just shook me to the core. But, there seems to be a bit of healing taking place. At least, I hope so.

Quote:

---

The danger of this life came back to Willow in one fail swoop. Tara did this every night, just the two of them…different towns, different monsters. A chill settled at the base of her spine…she needed to do whatever it took to make sure this magick reluctance never happened to Tara again.



That was far more important than her pettyiness or her broken, abandoned heart. Tara’s life…her safety outshined them both.

---

Perhaps it is this small gesture which will open the lines of communication and allow the healing to really begin. They need to talk. Really talk. Let it out. Ask the hard questions and give the hard answers. And up to this point, they just won't allow themselves to do that.



And poor Willow. At least Tara has the rest of the Scoobies filling her in on what happened in the past. But Willow has shut herself off from everyone. She only has her own insecurities and doubts.



So many burned bridges. I hope they have enough materials to rebuild them all.



Looking forward to the next update...I hope it's soon.



Carleen

---

‘Well hello you big old monster you, I fart in your general direction!’ --Willow WtVS: Episode One: Hellmouth High



"I support your lifestyle choice. You go gay girl." -- Anya A Hot and Heavy Halloween



"Please feel free to enjoy your lesbianism." -- Anya Art Appreciation

[cperrins78]

Wow an action packed update indeed. I hope the healing begins between Willow & Tara now. But I do love the angst.





Christina

[kisstheviolets]

an update?? cyd, you're spoiling us! not that i'm complaining. really, definitely, surely not complaining. that update was great.. action packed, touching (with tara's hesitance to cast, and the scoobs shock at seeing willow), and a total turning point (hopefully) with willow's apology. yay.



brandy

"i'm not like the girls that you've known but i believe i'm worth coming home to." tori amos, sleeps with butterflies

[MissKittys Ball O Yarn]

Well....I don't know if I've said this before, but I love leaving you feedback...because it meant that there had been an update posted. And I think you know how much I love your updates.... Any update from you happens to put me in fic paradise...And this one was no exception.



I love the way it finally seems that Willow is letting down her guard. Even though I knew Willow was going to go and see Tara (Which is a huge thing for her to do) I still expected it to be like this forced thing....like, maybe when she saw Tara she would pretend like she was there totally against her will. I was very surprised by then end when Willow said that she wanted to apologize.



Cyd, you are so going to spoil me with all these updates. Now I'm going to expect one every other day



xoxo

Emms (Henny, Rhi, and Cyd's #1 fan ) *clears throat* (still not stalkery.....)

To the smut! ~ Me

Edited by: MissKittys Ball O Yarn  at: 4/23/05 7:42 am

[Grimlock72]

Indeed plenty of action in this one, the good thing about that is that prevents too much thinking in advance Appearantly Willow has switched from thinking to feeling entirely, it would be wise to think at least a bit before wandering around Sunnydale. Can't have Willow get hurt, that just wouldn't do.



Tara is in trouble as well, since she has come to rely on magic as one of her combat-skills. If she choses not to use that particulairy skill she'll have to adapt to that. Trying to do that while in a fight is not a good idea, could get her hurt.



Splitting Willow's magic back to where it belongs (with Willow) should be good for both girls. Whatever the reason was that Tara ran away, Willow has already concluded that magic wasn't it (nor the theft of it). I wonder when either girl will ever work up the courage to discuss the entire Tara-leaving part, some things need clearing up for sure.



for Willow coming to Tara's rescue though, she din't have weapons with her and well her current experience-level must be below zero ... yet another example of do-before-think I guess



Grimmy

--
"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[Safuega]

Okay, heartache aside, I just had one question throughout this update. Willow has a gazillion amount of money, has all the scoobies underfoot, as it were, and she is still on foot?!



Then as usual, whenever I have a question about the story you never fail to provide an answer a little later on: she has a jeep. But then I was, 'a jeep?!' Again, with all the gazillion money she must have by now, along with the aloof thing she's got going, I was really expecting a black Jaguar or a chauffeured black limousine at the very least!



Sorry for the outburst, I'm afraid I have a little thing for cars. That and "The Perils of Pauline" moment you deliver here to help Willow move forward after their impasse. What better way to jog them both into action than by having one or both them be in peril. Nicely done.



I don't want to seem ungrateful by asking 'why, oh why, did you stop there?' So, I won't. Instead, I'll just wait until the next update. As always, happy to fulfill my end of the update-feedback bargain. I eagerly await the next installment.



Thanks for sharing.



Safuega

Edited by: Safuega at: 4/23/05 9:08 am

[Viximon]

Wow! Willow really make crazylike things when Tara's involved. I mean isn't is just like if she come out of her office since she got in? And the scoobies' reactions spoken by themself.

It's sad how Tara had take the news about her magic so hard...it was predictable coz all us know she never would do anything that could harm Willow in any way (though she did it already...and she herslef's hurt the same) so...



Update soon! Still here XD

[JustSkipIt]

Hey there,

I started reading this a few weeks ago but don't think I ever commented. I love the angst because it doesn't seem manufactured at all. I honestly believe all these people are in pain. Even the Scoobies with their enforced distance from Willow. How terrible for them.



And Willow: all this time she's thought that Tara intentionally took her power. What a terrible thing to believe about the love of your life. I found this to be just heartwrenching:

Quote:

---

Willow sat heavily on the end of the bed. “Cause then I won’t be able to feel her anymore. She’ll leave and she’ll be gone forever this time.”



“Um…” Isabella said confused.



“When she casts, I can still feel it, even though it doesn’t hurt me anymore. She’s so strong…and to know she’s been fighting the darkness all this time. And when she casts…” Willow paused. “When she casts, I know she’s safe…that she’s protecting herself. I can’t take that away…even though my power must be nearly inconsequential to her. After all, she couldn’t even tell she had it.”

---

God! How terrible. I'm looking forward to some resolution, magically and then relationshiply (nice word huh?). I enjoy your writing very much. Well done.

"It is better to waste one's youth than to do nothing with it at all- Georges Courteline

"Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but unlike charity, it should end there." - Chare Booth Luce

My latest story: Survivor - Ash Island

[hermitfish]

hidden watson: Hi-ya Watson...1st feedbacker award goes to you. I'm glad you liked the fight scene. Writing fight scenes or exciting action is usually a struggle for me because 1.) A lot of stuff is going on 2.) A lot of very visual, hard to capture with words stuff is going on 3.) I suck with fighting technique description. Surprisingly this scene wrote itself quickly...obviously with the fast turn around and all.

Tara's hesitation at using magic is too dangerous on the hellmouth.

Oh, yes...very much so. Thanks.

GayNow: Willow has definitely made a gesture here. Now Tara has to take the olive branch and continue on from there. Thanks, Carleen.

cperrins78: Thanks, Christina...I appreciate the sentiment.

kisstheviolets: I do love to spoil...I'm a total sucker in that regard. Just keep that in mind if another unfortunate delay comes along. Thanks so much Brandy.

MissKittys Ball O Yarn: See...this is me still smiling, which actually hurts a little today. I somehow managed to go to sleep last night and wake up with a slightly swollen and cut lip. I hate it when my brain knocks off for the night and my body goes off and has adventures without me...weird. Anyway, I think the reality of the dangers on Tara really flipped on a light switch for Willow. Her behavior isn't solving anything...and it eventually could lead to Tara getting injured if she continues to refuse the use of her magick. She sees this, thankfully.

Update every other day? Hmmm...so how disappointed are you now? You know I do my best...I luv ya and all.

Grimlock72: Action-a-plenty was actually a benefit here. It prevented Willow and Tara from thinking too hard about their situation. Instead they did things that were from the gut...i.e. wanting to save and protect each other, which would be something to consider if they stopped and thought about that for a minute.

A big when indeed to this...

I wonder when either girl will ever work up the courage to discuss the entire Tara-leaving part, some things need clearing up for sure.

Thanks so much Grimmy.

Safuega:

Willow has a gazillion amount of money, has all the scoobies underfoot, as it were, and she is still on foot?!

...Okay fell out of my chair on that one. I did actually think about this but I decided that she didn't exactly leave her fortress that much and she probably didn't have a car...or just got shuttled by a service or something. She probably can, however, afford one.

Um...actually that is Buffy's Jeep that was parked in the Summers' driveway...so still no car. See I don't have a thing for cars...since I moved into the big city I barely even drive my ten-year-old car I've had since I turned 16. I walk everywhere save grocery shopping cause bags are heavy and public transportation is icky. Now, breaking from my personal aside here, it sometimes takes a peril moment to provide a little placement on the important things. Let's hope they both start seeing what's really important. Thanks, Safuega.

Viximon: Well, Tara was bound to take the magick problems very hard...she never intentionally meant to hurt Willow. And Willow sure does find herself doing very unexpected things where Tara is concerned. Just going to see her was a big deal...and then the next things she knows she is jumping in to help her with a vamp. We'll have to see where it goes from there.

JustSkipIt: Welcome Debra...

I love the angst because it doesn't seem manufactured at all.

Thanks...that's a big compliment. I like writing purposeful angst and I think it is one of things I do best...hmm, I don't know what that says about me.

Resolutions of both kinds are in progress (I like relationshiply by the way)...thanks for the comments.



The muse is in tow, but I probably won't have much writing time until semester's end (two weeks or so). Apparently, I can't throw large handfuls of cash at my profs and tell them to scat from the hermitage. Not that I have large handfuls of cash to throw at any rate. Feh.

~Cyd

[irishgrl3]

Wow, can't believe Willow left the comforts of home. She got to see the gang in action; That was some fight!
Watching Tara fight may have helped her decision in getting their problem solved. Deep down the thought of Tara getting hurt has got to weigh in on that issue. I was very happy that she took the big step of apologizing. I know they have a long way to go but hopefully now they're moving in the right direction. Great update!
-anna

[Tarababy77]

HOLY GOODNESS MOLY!!! I so didn't know I gonna be on a rollercoaster of a ride!!! Amazing. Intense and sad and hopes of happiness. Anyhoo, I'm going to go back a few chapters and read from there, again. Great work. I so can't wait to see how Willow is going to apologize to Tara and the others for the way she has been treating them. Once again, great story. Hope to see more soon. Take care. =)

[hermitfish]

A couple of overdue replies (sorry)...

irishgrl3: Hi Anna...I think the fight scene was positive in that it provided some perspective for Willow about what Tara's dangers include. If each of them try to understand what the other is/has been going through, it will likely be beneficial in repairing the damage between them. Thanks.

Tarababy77: Hi Aaron...welcome Definitely roller coaster ups and down in this story...I'm happy you're enjoying all the emotional twists and turns.

Update is next.

~Cyd

[hermitfish]

[center]Relinquished Symmetry[/center]

Disclaimer: Many rich people own BTVS and its characters…I am not one of them.

Rating: R

Author’s Notes: This storyline takes everything up to halfway through New Moon Rising as the gospel. I have made a BIG change that may make some kittens ‘thwack’ me with a shovel…or, more appropriately, a sledgehammer. Also, some of the dynamics of Angel have been altered to suit me. This is an angsty piece.

Addt’l note: A few pieces of dialogue come from the show (This Year’s Girl, NMR, Fear Itself, etc.).

Feedback: Of any sorts…sure. On the board is fine. No posting elsewhere without my consent.

[hr]

PART 16


Willow felt that everything around her was moving three times faster than normal. Dawn seemed to be talking with incomprehensible speed as she single handedly ushered Willow upstairs, found her new clothes, and allowed her full run of the sacred bathroom of a teenager.

It was only when the bathroom door shut and the redhead slumped onto the lid of the toilet did the world move at standard pace once more. She realized her hands were shaking slightly and her heart beat irregularly but they quickly corrected as she took deep breaths and wiped off her face with a wet washcloth. She removed her soiled shirt and changed quickly but found it hard to leave the small tiled room. Rationally, she knew that Buffy, Dawn, and perhaps the rest of the gang would most likely be here but somehow what that meant got lost in the myriad of noises in her mind. Now she had to face them…all of them…all at once. She didn’t have any idea what to say. Could they understand that she was protecting them? How could she apologize for abandoning them? Would they ever believe that she had missed them so much?

Fifteen minutes passed easily before a knock came at the door.

“Willow?” Oz’s distinctive voice passed through the thick closure of wood between them.

“I’m almost finished,” the redhead responded, holding back the tide crashing through her lithe body.

“No rush,” he replied mildly.

She sat on the floor, her back against the sink counter. She hated feeling weak, but she knew she wasn’t strong. Tonight, in this situation, there was no in-between.

This was a mistake.

She could have called…she could have sent Isabella. She didn’t have to be here. Not this way.

And it made her sick that she couldn’t face her once closest friends.

Her big brain told her why she hesitated. They all knew the truth now…and they would show her pity. They wouldn’t blame her or detest her or abandon her. Not in her time of need. Not like she did to them. They would love her just as much as ever because it was who they were. Willow only wished she could’ve been the same.

She didn’t deserve the unconditional love these people had for her. She never had and she never would.

“Willow?” Oz again questioned from the door. “Can I come in?”

When she didn’t answer he cracked the door open. His black haphazard hair looked striking against the white door as he poked his head inside.

“You mind if I sit?” Willow shook her head and he took a seat against the side of the tub. They sat in silence for a few moments.

“No one downstairs hates you,” Oz finally said, trying to meet her downcast eyes.

“I know…that’s the problem.” Willow said as she lifted her green eyes from Dawn’s dark colored jeans.

“I understand.” When Willow gave him an expectant look he continued, “Dangerous power…being a threat to loved ones. Having to go away to learn to control what’s inside. Not exactly untraveled territory for me.”

“What did you feel when you came back? When you faced us?”

“Scared…worried…a hundred other things.”

“You didn’t look it,” she commented plainly.

“Just part of my exterior,” he said with a shrug.

“What were the hundred other things?”

He looked at his hands and sighed. “What was the first thing you felt, before the pain and betrayal, when you saw Tara again?”

Completeness, surprise, exhilaration, hope, joy, love…

“Hundreds of things,” she replied quietly.

He gave a small smile and stood up. He reached for her hand.

“Remember those things when you’re uncomfortable in that room full of people…it’ll help.”

Tara has to be safe. That’s too important to get lost in this.

She reached for his hand and lifted off the floor. She didn’t let go.

Willow returned downstairs to find that Xander and Anya had purchased all of her favorite Indian foods. She carefully spooned out a bowl full of curried vegetables and then set about poking at it from her position on the couch.

Tara couldn’t help but notice how small Willow appeared as she sat across the room. She looked as if the plush cushions were seconds from swallowing her whole. Or she was seconds from crawling in them. Dawn and Xander were doting at a full throttle setting and Willow seemed highly overwhelmed.

She had said nothing since returning to the room with Oz on her arm and taking a seat beside him on the couch. The blonde had to fight a near growl at the back of her throat at just seeing them in such an intimate gesture. She then had the good decency to feel ashamed of her jealousy, knowing that it was completely unfounded. But it hurt. She knew it would always hurt.

Tara slowly pulled the sutures through Wesley’s arm as she finished sewing up his cut. The tension among the Scoobies was unfamiliar; something the witch had never picked up before in their presence. Emotions were running high.

Dawn’s aura was a small blue ball…scared, sad, and overcompensating where the redhead was concerned. She watched Willow from the corner of her eyes as she came in and out doing odd chores.

Xander was a more subdued presence. He was trying so hard to act like there was no gap in their closeness. His blue tinge of sadness was a shell that thinly covered his own internal deception.

Anya’s aura was intrigued and focused, but not on the current matters at hand. She read a Fortune Small Business magazine while sipping a glass of iced tea in a chair across from Willow.

She sensed Buffy as a red-hot coil…pulsing…and angry? Looking down the sliver of the hallway into the dining room, she saw the slayer stabbing at her dinner distractedly.

Oz’s aura, much like his general demeanor, was as mysterious as ever. She tried to focus a bit deeper but suddenly halted, cursing herself below her breath. How could she decide to stop using magic one minute and then try to use it only a handful of minutes later? Tara knew she could live without using her powers…they were an important part of her life but not a crutch to her existence.

She moved to the kitchen to get some more supplies from first aid kit before standing at the window and staring out into the night. She wondered where her abilities ended and Willow’s began. Reading auras was something she could do before she even met the redhead, although she had only gotten sensitive enough to read them so effortlessly after their time together. When she gave the power back to Willow, would she be able to sense vampires and demons anymore? Would she be able to levitate her daggers…a stake…anything? What if she had to stop demon hunting?

Tara turned around and watched Wes tentatively flex his forearm as he dabbed on ointment. She returned to his side to attach a bandage.

She didn’t know what her life was without demon hunting. Would she go back to college…find a nine to five job? Tara bit her lip as she tore off pieces of cloth tape. She didn’t believe she could turn her back on the struggle between good and evil…not when she understood how truly evil it could be. She didn’t want to stand in the shadows of the sidelines, but she would hinder Wes if she lost her powers. She would be a liability…and it would wind up getting someone hurt…or worse. She certainly didn’t want to die and she would never endanger Wes or an innocent bystander if she became incompetent. So where did that leave her?

“Tara? I know this is a stupid question but are you okay?” Wes asked quietly as he got her attention as she smoothed down a piece of tape.

“I’m fine.” She caught his disbelieving look. “Okay…I’m terrified.”

“Of Willow?”

“No…never.” She sat on the stool next to him. “Of my…our power. Of what it will take to fix this. Of what I’ll become.”

He gripped the hand that attached the last piece of tape to his injury as he stood. “You do know that no matter what happens…”

She cut him off. “I do.” I know you’ll let me be your liability…and that scares me too.



Xander picked up a handful of DVD’s and took seat gingerly next to Willow, almost as if he was afraid she would shatter or disappear if he got too close. “Wanna watch one of these?” He fanned out the cases so she could read the titles.

“Oh, um…no. You don’t have to entertain me. I don’t want to be a bother.”

“A bother?” Buffy asked as she entered the room with just the slightest touch of hurt. “Will…you’re always invited.”

“Especially cause you’re not a vampire,” Anya added in her helpful sort of way.

Xander rubbed his forehead as Dawn glared outright.

“What? It’s true.” Anya stood up and nudged Willow’s arm cajolingly. “Since it’s highly unlikely that you will suck the life out of me, I can ask you about your small business venture.”

Willow raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe you better go home,” Dawn ordered more than asked as she crossed her arms.

“I’ve been assistant manager of the Espresso Pump for a year. It’s clear that I’ve hit the glass ceiling due to the inefficient and misogynistic management that refuses to compensate me properly. I’ve invested my salary and have enough to open a shop closer to campus that will cripple their profits and run them out of business. I would like to discuss business planning with the only one of you that has any expertise.”

“Maybe not now,” Xander tried to intervene diplomatically as Dawn got more annoyed.

“When will I have another chance? It’s not like Miss Scorned Lover makes a lot of house calls.”

“Anya!” Xander exclaimed.

“Get out!” Dawn shrieked.

“Enough!” Buffy voice cut over both of them. “This isn’t important.”

“Since it’s not about your precious slaying you just assume it isn’t important.” Anya responded, not raising her voice.

The verbal spar took Willow to a strange place. She was sitting in a room next to her ex-boyfriend watching her friends fight to protect her pointlessly while trying to covertly watch her ex-girlfriend who was casually glancing at her around the corner of the hallway.

And she knew she was about to do something that wouldn’t make anything better. Willow stood, moving to the message pad next to the phone and jotting down her number. She handed it to Anya.

“Call my office on Monday…Bela will get you what you want to know.”

The redhead walked out of the room, meeting Tara’s questioning look as she passed her in the hall. She lifted the tome on the kitchen table.

“I can’t do this here. Come with me?”

“You can’t just leave…” Tara’s voice went dry as she looked away. You can’t but I can?

“Come with me?” Willow’s tone didn’t change as the knife in her chest turned once more.

Tara pulled the keys to the car out of her pocket. “So where do you want to go? To your home?”

“To the place where we need to do the ritual. I can drive.”

Tara handed over the keys. “Is it somewhere I’ve been before?”

Willow had a melancholy shine in her green eyes. “I think you’ll recognize the place.”

[cperrins78]

I am so happy that you updated. I've missed this story. I especially liked the part where Tara had to hide her jealousy. I knew it would bother her seeing Willow being near Oz. I can't wait to see where they have to do the ritual. Update soon.


Christina

[viximon]

A update!! Yay!
Oz and Willow inetaction was so tender. I liked it
The whole situation though, with all the scoobies after what have happened is a little awkward (for all of them, but for Willow mostly)

Now, are Tara and Willow really going to do that ritual? What will happen then? Oh my! I can't wait

Love your fic, continue soon, please

[GayNow]

Soooooooooooo wonderful to see an update to this story! YAY!

Though this chapter lacked the action of the previous chapter, there was still so much going on. Willow and Tara are each experiencing their own inner turmoil -- and how telling it is that their turmoil is so similar. It's so like both of them -- not wanting to be a liability, a weakness. It's clear that together is when they are the most powerful. But, they are not communicating with each other...they are so worried about everyone else, they are not thinking enough about themselves -- about what would make THEM happy and secure. I'm really hoping this will happen soon so they can start healing -- so they can start helping each other to heal.

“What did you feel when you came back? When you faced us?”

“Scared…worried…a hundred other things.”

“You didn’t look it,” she commented plainly.

“Just part of my exterior,” he said with a shrug.

“What were the hundred other things?”

He looked at his hands and sighed. “What was the first thing you felt, before the pain and betrayal, when you saw Tara again?”

Completeness, surprise, exhilaration, hope, joy, love…

“Hundreds of things,” she replied quietly.

He gave a small smile and stood up. He reached for her hand.

“Remember those things when you’re uncomfortable in that room full of people…it’ll help.”

I absolutely loved this section, Cyd. How interesting and wonderful it is that Oz is the one to get her out of that bathroom and to lead her downstairs. Willow will never be able to replace the spot that Oz had in her life, simply because he is the one who understands what she has gone through on some level -- he's been there, he's done that. Nicely done, Cyd.

As always, I'm looking forward to more. I really really love all of your stories...so an update for any of them will do.

Carleen

[Safuega]

Cyd wrote:

I walk everywhere

Actually, so do I even though I have a car too, which coincidentally is almost as old as yours. So I shall forgive the lack of a shiny black car . . . for now.

Now on to the business at hand, how fitting and yet how utterly wrong, it is to see Oz be the right person from among all the Scoobies to reach out to Willow at this crucial moment. I can't help but think that they both have come full circle. Once upon a time Oz was not chosen and left behind, and yet here is Willow too, also not chosen and left behind. This exchange was particularly poignant:

“What were the hundred other things?”

He looked at his hands and sighed. “What was the first thing you felt, before the pain and betrayal, when you saw Tara again?”

Completeness, surprise, exhilaration, hope, joy, love…

“Hundreds of things,” she replied quietly.

Your description of Willow's state was also well done. I know you've told us that she is in a weakened state, but in this update that comes through very well in the bathroom scene. I could 'see' her physical weakness and could see how the emotional weight of things was taking an additional toll.

As for Tara, my goodness, poor girl! All this time she had been finding herself and finding a sense of inner worth and pride, only to find that the very thing that has been giving her her own identity, is the very thing that is killing the love of her life. Aside from not wanting to hurt Willow, now Tara has to think about what is her own identity and whether she can even be Tara, the monster killer, without the benefit of Willow's magic.

Personally, I think that despite the personal growth Tara has undergone on her own, she is still selling herself a bit short if she' s so quick to think that after the power is gone she will be a liability to Wes. Maybe, maybe not. Nevertheless, I understand her fear is a real one and can only hope that her and Willow will come to their senses sometime in the near future.

Great update Cyd. Really well done in more ways than one. Thanks for updating!!

Safuega

[meretricious]

cyd, sometimes i find it distracting when an author has multiple stories going at once, but in your case, wow, if you were pouring all of this angst into one vessel, it would have to be a slit-your-wrists fic for sure. i know there was some earlier comments about how naturally you write angst, and comparing this to your other stories, it's amazing to me how many unique shades of angst you can portray, and all of them equally effectively.
you showed willow's inability to deal with multiple stimuli and emotions beautifully. she was so single-focused on dealing with tara, she didn't even consider the others would be there, or what effect that might have on her. then throw in the big demon/vamp smackdown she happened upon, it would've been so easy for her to run the other way and close down again. i'm glad she maintained her focus on doing what they have to do to make things right again.
you can diffuse your angst thru as big a prism of stories as you want to, i'll look forward to all of them~mary

(edited cause any ability i have to spell is purely rumor)

[Emms]

Hi Cyd! I'm so happy that you updated! I did a double-take when I came on this afternoon and saw that there was an update posted to one of my very most favorite stories. *insert delighted squeal here*

Anyway, what a wonderful update it was. We really got to understand even more of Willows insecurities. I felt so bad for her when she was just sitting there, and everyone was kinda just....not knowing what to do or how to act... I felt bad for Xander, because he was really trying to act like everything was the way it used to be.

Xander was a more subdued presence. He was trying so hard to act like there was no gap in their closeness. His blue tinge of sadness was a shell that thinly covered his own internal deception.

I especially loved that part.... your description of Xanders emotional state, was so real.

hehe, Tara's little nifty ability to read auras has really proven to come in handy...by using it she's really able to see the truth in a lot of the situations concerning Willow.

It's weird, but I kind of see Tara as coming into kinda a mothering role, where Willow is concerned. Based on her grasp of the situation and subsequent ability to make good decisions where Willow is concerned (for example: like when Tara knew she should leave Willow's appartment a couple updates back...and how she knew when to stay...) i worry that she might asume the passive role throughout the story, and not really try to push Willow into admiting her feelings....

I hope Tara doesn't leave... that would be so sad

OH well... I would be suprised if any of this feedback made any sense... I'm I'm sorry if it didn't.

xoxo
Emms

[tarawhipped]

Wow...look at all the long, well thought out feedback. *sigh* Finding the time to write lately has been rough, and even getting enough quiet time to thoroughly read an update is difficult, but I couldn't let another one go by without telling you how much I enjoy logging onto the board and seeing one of your fics at the top, Cyd. Thanks for making my day a little brighter.

-Cam

[watty]

Long awaited, and totally worth the wait.

I agree that having Oz reach out to Willow was the perfect choice, of all the Scoobies he is the least judgmental and in a way, the right person for Willow to talk to, if she needs anyone. With the others, there's too much emotion. How wonderful, that the others showed so much concern, getting her favorite food, fussing over her, they want her back in the group too.

The blonde had to fight a near growl at the back of her throat at just seeing them in such an intimate gesture. She then had the good decency to feel ashamed of her jealousy, knowing that it was completely unfounded. But it hurt. She knew it

Coupled with the earlier part, where it was Isabella who understood what Willow wanted, Tara has a long way to go before she can reclaim the post of Willow-carer.

They need to talk. Not do the ritual. Tara wants to give up all her magic, Willow doesn't want the magic back. So where does the magic go? They have to talk properly, not plunge headlong into a ritual they're ill prepared for.

You build the emotions so skillfully, Cyd. Thank you .

[Nellinoz]

Did I mention again how much I love this fic? Cyd, you rock! I loved this update...I could so imaging the loungeroom scene in my mind...Loved Anya's dialogue! Can't wait for the update

Nell

[stillrunning]

Ok so I'm all caught up now after being a slacker and missing the last 2 updates, and I must say bravo on a job well done! It's almost nice to see at least SOMEONE getting close to Willow...even if it is Oz. And as for the ritual...well I can't seem to think of where they would do it, but I guess I'll just have to wait like everyone else...update soon please!

[grimlock72]

I wonder if Tara's old dorm-room is still vacant, thats where both trouble-causing rituals were done after all.

I don't know how the ritual Willow has in mind works. If it just releases Willow's power from Tara and properly closes magical open ends, that should do nicely. All the emotional open endings will need more time anyway

Tara would do well to remember that Willow thought evil for years without using magic much. Tara has been better trained at non-magicky combat so she should do well. Besides, who says she has to fight in the frontline non-stop ? Willow found a way to contribute, so can Tara (though preferably not in a locked-down lab. :-)

Poor Willow was almost drowning in all the attention in the living room. Her friends ought to be ashamed they didn't notice that, they all have known Willow for years...yet only Oz could figure it out? Oz is the most logical and sort-of neutral person in the Summer's home so he was the best person to help Willow out of the closet (heh).

Now Tara and Willow really need to talk, either before or after the split-to-normal-spell. So many things between them remain unsaid, that just wont do.

Grimmy

[hermitfish]

Yay replies...

cperrins78: Hi Christina...I hope to have no more extremely long delays between updates but crossing fingers always helps.

As far as the last part, Tara's jealousy just seemed natural to me...it's a hard feeling to ignore in almost any circumstance, rational or otherwise. I'm glad you're eager for more...I'm looking forward to supplying it. Thanks.

viximon: I liked the Oz section too...I figured who better to understand what she's going through than him. I'll be getting around to details on that mysterious ritual in the next part.

GayNow: You're very, very right ya' know. And now I get to quote and agree:

and how telling it is that their turmoil is so similar

Indeed...they really do need to reestablish communication and realize that they are only hurting themselves when they try to protect each other. All I can say is I'm working on it. Thanks so much.

Safuega: First, before I get to the beautiful and very insightful feedback you left, I have to amend the 'I walk everywhere' statement as I have moved to a city for the summer where that is no longer possible. Still my old car got me out here...my most reliable girl comes through again. I haven't told her when I get out of school and get a full time j-o-b that she'll have to be replaced. I'm not holding my breath for the shiny black thing though.

Concerning the part (oh yeah…apparently there’s this whole story thing going on)…

I can't help but think that they both have come full circle.

Me too. I thought Oz was really the best way to go here.

By the way, nice summation...

All this time she had been finding herself and finding a sense of inner worth and pride, only to find that the very thing that has been giving her own identity, is the very thing that is killing the love of her life. Aside from not wanting to hurt Willow, now Tara has to think about her own identity and whether she can even be Tara - the monster killer, without the benefit of Willow's magic.

She perhaps is selling herself short by thinking she can't live the monster hunter life without magick. She certainly has other skills but I think part of her real fear is that she'll revert back to being meek and scared...something she doesn't want to do after building herself up from that. Still much work to do...and as always, thanks.

meretricious: Mary...I think you win comment of the year for this one (your award will be shipped in 3-5 business days)...

sometimes i find it distracting when an author has multiple stories going at once, but in your case, wow, if you were pouring all of this angst into one vessel, it would have to be a slit-your-wrists fic for sure

I laughed for a few minutes...realized I was laughing about slitting wrists and then laughed some more.

I do enjoy writing the angst (although these days I promise I'm really a silly, sarcastic nutcase who is easily amused and mostly content with this thing I call my life). I'm glad you don't mind reading and keeping up with multiple stories because I like having a few going at once (because it prevents writer's block with me).

Now on to your thoughts...

you showed willow's inability to deal with multiple stimuli and emotions beautifully. she was so single-focused on dealing with tara, she didn't even consider the others would be there, or what effect that might have on her

Indeed...you put that so well that I don't have anything to add. Thanks so much.

Miss Kittys Ball O Yarn: Hi Emms!

Tara's little nifty ability to read auras has really proven to come in handy...by using it she's really able to see the truth in a lot of the situations concerning Willow

Concerning Willow...yes. Understanding Willow herself...no. That, of course, is the crux. I don't think Tara can act passively if she wants to understand what Willow is feeling. It'll only appear to Willow that she wants to leave again. Communication would be nice, yes? Thanks for the input, hun.

tarawhipped: Aww, Cam...I'm sorry to hear that time is scarce for you right now (I'm on much overdue vacation but the problem with vacation is that it ends at some point). I am especially saddened because you know how much I love reading your stuff (I have made that really, really clear, right? ) I'm just glad you enjoyed. Take care of yourself and thanks for the Island of Death update despite the lack of quiet time...it brightened my day.

watson: Thanks for noting this...

Tara has a long way to go before she can reclaim the post of Willow-carer

Very true...this isn't a one sided issue. Tara has some things to understand and deal with just as Willow does. And I totally agree with you...they need to talk ten times more than they need to perform a ritual. But what will come...hmm...have to wait (hopefully not as long) to see. Thanks again, Watson.

Nellinoz: Hi Nell...you said the three magic words that make this feedback whore smile...

Cyd, you rock!

I hoped that the group scene would be tense but not overly so...I wanted them to be so concerned with trying to make everything good for Willow that they really don't get a chance to connect with her (with the exception of Oz). Thanks so much.

stillrunning: I'm glad you caught up...It is nice to see Willow open up to someone...even if it is not the someone we all have in mind...she certainly needs a little some nonjudgmental support on her side. Thanks.

grimlock72: Hi Grimmy...you're so very astute. You make an excellent argument to why Tara could still do what she does even if her magickal ability lessens. You wanna sneak in the story and tell her?

I think I'm being overwhelmingly told by my lovely readers to get with the talking...so that mean I should...right?

Heehee…well...thanks so much.




I’m working on both RS and Edge this weekend...I don't know when exactly I'll get either finished as my vacation is ending and I have an online class starting on Monday. I'm also likely to be doing that thing where you work for no money...um slave labor...I mean interning.

~Cyd

[hermitfish]

PART 17


Willow hadn’t said one word about anything since inviting her to some unknown destination. And Tara had never been much for casual conversation. It made for a quiet car.

The words that the blonde needed to say to Willow could hardly be considered causal conversation. There would be hard questions…and subjects in a book that she wanted to leave closed.

That book…her father had started it years ago. It contained chapter after chapter of lies, pain, and degradation. No one really knew the content of those pages…not even Wes. He only knew the title, the names of some of the chapters. Only the strength of her own hand had shut those pages tight. On her twentieth birthday she had confronted her father with the proof…the mystical and medical blood tests that showed she had only human fluids coursing through her body. More damning…and far more painful, the records that proved her mother had not died because of the demon. She stood her ground to his face – head high and voice level. He caved and admitted the truth. Once the words met her ears, she turned and left that house…that book. She wrote the final chapter and put it away. The harm it caused was no longer active.

Tara watched subtly as Willow concentrated on driving. If there was one person she wanted to tell every last detail to, it was the woman sitting inches to her left. Willow simply had that power over her and Tara finally had the courage to say what should have been said before.

She came to Sunnydale to attend university and hide between the cracks. She didn’t want to see or be seen…to hear or be heard. The moment she saw the redhead, however, all that changed. She wanted to be seen…she wanted Willow to see her…and she did. In the most improbable of improbables...Willow did.

Then something pretty special happened. The girl in the background fell in love. Quickly. Deeply. Intensely.

Tara thought that was enough. Just to have had the chance to feel that type of love in her life.

Ultimately, that was her mistake. She didn't trust that Willow loved her…wanted her…anything. She feared it was a mistake that could never be corrected.

The blonde witch stared out the window as the streetlights of downtown blinked across her face in exacting intervals as they darted by them. The ritual was a beginning - a place to amend the consequences of her mistake. Tara’s brow furrowed. She didn’t know anything about what they were about to do.

“Will? Do we need supplies…for the ritual?”

Green eyes glanced at her as she turned down another street. “I have it.” The car pulled into a parking space and Tara’s stomach clenched as she took in the surroundings. Each step they took did little to sway that feeling. As they climbed the steps and opened the door, Tara couldn’t imagine a more wrenching feeling.

That is until she entered the room. Her old dorm room…still furnished the exact way she left it.

Tara turned to Willow with a questioning, helpless expression.

“I wanted to keep the energies the same...like when we did the synchronicity and Ayala spells.”

Tara reached out to the flow of the room. It did feel the same. It was faint and waning, but it was still there. The intimacy of their joined casting still resonated. Tara walked by the desk, lightly dragging two fingers over the surface. It was clean…no dust to hinder the flow. Willow must have kept the place clean herself because Tara couldn’t feel any other presence…as would be noticeable if she hired a cleaning person. Oh, Willow…why did you put yourself through this? Just keeping the space would’ve been enough. You didn’t have to keep subjecting yourself to this scene.

“How did you…”

Willow couldn’t meet her eyes as she nudged the carpet with her foot and responded, “I pay the Department of Housing extra so the furnishings don’t have to be moved in between semesters.”

“Will…what I owe you…”

The redhead interrupted. “It’s no big deal…just a couple hundred extra dollars.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Tara responded sincerely. But you already know that.

“Tara…this whole magick thing…just a great big accident, right? You didn’t know this had happened…and you didn’t have any reason to contact me so it is all happenstance.” Willow said the comments almost flippantly, but Tara knew it had to be an act.

“It’s not like I didn’t want to talk to you. I did. So much.”

“Yeah…well three years without one lousy phone call or one little note of a letter or one e-mail says different.” Something much more hurt shone through in those words.

Tara looked at her boots. “I just wanted you to be happy.” Her voice was barely above a murmur.

“You took away my choice.”

“Willow, I’m sorry.”

“Do you think that makes it all better?”

“No, but…”

Willow changed the subject as she fluttered a small piece of silk from the desk. “This is a fairly simple principle. Magickal power tends to collect at its origin. The anchoring spell prevents this from happening in my case.” Willow turned and scrawled something on a slip of paper and then folded it. Her hands went behind her neck and unfastened the charm. She open palmed it as she handed the paper to Tara. “All we have to do is get the base of the spell…you…to say that after lighting a fire in Ayala’s chalice,” her hand motioned at the slip of paper as she pulled the artifact from the closet. “Then drop it in the bowl and it will burn away. That will take care of problem number one…problem number two is trickier.”

Willow brought out two types of oils and poured them into the chalice before lighting it with a match. She sat the item in the middle of the floor as she poured a circle of sand meticulously around the pair of them. After finishing, she took a seat on one side of the chalice.

Tara watched Willow’s demeanor turn to stone…it was obvious this was how she dealt with pain. She went from situation to situation mechanistically, moving from point 'a' to point 'b' as efficiently as possible. She took the brunt of any pain and damage quietly and somewhere much deeper. Tara sat directly across from the redhead. “How bad is it?”

“Like I said, it’s a very simple process.”

“No…what did this do to you? Are you in a lot of pain?”

“I don’t…I can’t talk about…”

“Please.”

“Before...” Willow lifted the charm to face level. “Before this…when you would cast…I got so weak. I needed a lot of bedrest. My breathing would get labored and my pulse would skyrocket if I did much.”

“But since…I just get a little tired when you cast. Like I need to take a nap. Don’t make this into some catastrophe…it’s not like that.”

She’s really not blaming me anymore. Blame me, Willow. Yell at me. Don’t put that brave face on. Not for me.

Tara’s eyes were seconds from flooding. She looked to the paper in her hands to hold back her emotions.

Realization hit hard. All this time and one word would’ve changed everything for Willow. She wouldn’t have carried around this burden…this damage for years.

One word would have set Willow free.

Tara took a deep breath and met her face. Willow’s hand turned over and the charm fell from her hand.

Tara understood the inordinate amount of trust being put into her possession as the charm fell, twisting and turning further and further away from the one it protected. Trust that was unearned and given freely. She didn’t understand how Willow could gift her this way but she knew wholeheartedly that she was not about to let her down again.

“Release.”

[GayNow]

Cyd~

What a joy to wake up this morning to find an update from you! It makes the ickiness of having to go back to work lessen -- not disappear, mind you, but lessen for sure.

Willow and Tara seem to be aking a small step forward. At least they are talking -- Willow is answering Tara's questions. So that's a start. But, oh, they have so much more to say. I just wish they would say it.

One word would have set Willow free.

This was the most telling line in the whole story for me. One word. One letter. One phone call. It would have made so much difference in their lives. But, is it too late? Can one word still help them? Is there one word that can put them firmly on the path to healing? It will obviously take more than one word to fix what was broken, but can it give them a place to start? Time will tell, I suppose.

Another lovely update, Cyd. You say so much in so few words...what a gift! Looking forward to your next.

Carleen

[watty]

That's good, with the beginnings of talking. But so much left unsaid. When will Willow confess that deep down, she doesn't want to do the spell cos it'll be the end of her tenuous connection with Tara? When will Tara confess that she loves Willow so much she is willing to give up her magic entirely so W can be happy?

Tara confronting her father was gratifying.

Once the words met her ears, she turned and left that house

That took an enormous amount of inner strength and that strength will be needed now, to get things right with Willow. But the doubt is still there,

She didn't trust that Willow loved her…wanted her…anything.

I have to remind myself that Tara left the relationship early, before it had chance to really blossom, which is a shame.

And now back to the dorm room, with the ghost of so many memories, sigh.

the flow of the room ... was faint and waning, but it was still there. The intimacy of their joined casting still resonated.

Intimacy, that is what they need to find again.

“Yeah…well three years without one lousy phone call or one little note of a letter or one e-mail says different.” Something much more hurt shone through in those words.

Tara looked at her boots. “I just wanted you to be happy.” Her voice was barely above a murmur.

“You took away my choice.”

“Willow, I’m sorry.”

That's when I almost yelled at them, that they shouldn't do the ritual yet. One of them is still bitter, the other defensive. Really not ready to do the ritual are they. Even if it's only one simple word. More angst to come? Soon, please .

[pipsberg]

Hey Cyd. I am really enjoying this story. The last two parts have been achingly hard to read. You write their discomfort and pain really well. Thanks so much for keeping this one going!