Just for the record, I want to state clearly that it's too hot to be alive, and that if I had any sense, I'd curl up and hibernate until it's winter again. Thank you. Oh, and this vignette went a little longer and more serious than I had intended ... sorry it took me so long to finish - I started it Tuesday, and usually I just write something in a few hours, post it, and I'm done ... but this was kind of slow going.
Series: Vignettes
Number: 15
Title: Issues
Author: Sassette
Feedback: Can be sent to
pink_overalls@yahoo.comSpoiler Warning: None
Summary: Tara gets ahold of something Willow does >not< want her to see.
Disclaimer: I didn't create these characters. I do, however, love them, and as they reside in my heart, they belong to me. I'm not making any money off of them, though.
Rating: PG-13
Issues
Part 15 of the Vignettes Series
by Sassette
"Tara?" Willow said, her voice filled with horror and her eyes wide.
"Huh? What?" Tara said, looking up with alarm, seeing the panicked look on Willow's face. "What's wrong?"
"Where did you get that?" Willow asked shakily, one trembling hand pointed at the book in her lap.
"Oh, I found it in a box. In the closet. I've been cleaning," Tara said, her brow furrowing with confusion.
"Well, I … just …" Willow stammered, quickly crossing over to Tara and taking the book gently but firmly out of her hands.
"Willow, what's going on?" Tara asked.
"I just … let's … just leave it," Willow said, her voice stiff as she turned to leave their room and take the book back to Buffy.
"Wait," Tara said, stopping Willow with a hand on her arm.
"What?" Willow said, turning back, her face carefully blank, though her eyes conveyed something different altogether.
"I was still looking at that," she pointed out softly, frowning at Willow.
"Yeah, well, you shouldn't," Willow said, wincing inwardly as the words came out harsher than she had intended. She saw the surprise and hurt on Tara's face, and she felt like she'd just kicked a puppy. "I'm sorry … I'm sorry," Willow said quickly, her eyes widening. "I didn't mean - I just … I'm a bad, bad person," she went on, as if saying the words to herself. "I didn't mean to snap at you - no, not at all … I like being a non-snappy Willow, without the …"
"Willow, stop," Tara said gently, standing up and walking over to her. "It's just an old high school yearbook," she went on, wondering what was bothering Willow so much. "It's no big deal."
"Great!" Willow said with forced cheerfulness. "Then you won't mind if I just put this back," she said, spinning to leave the room again.
"No," Tara said slowly, drawing out the word and snatching the book out of Willow's hands. "It's no big deal, so you won't mind if I flip through it."
"Baby, why would you want to? It's stupid," Willow said, trying another tack.
"Willow," Tara said, pausing to compose her thoughts. "The only thing you ever tell me about high school is Scooby stuff. You won't … you won't talk to me about it," she said, a note of frustration ringing in her words. "And I just … I want to know you. Everything about you. But you won't share this with me," she went on helplessly. "I just … I want to know you," she said again, her voice serious and low.
"You do know me," Willow said, her voice equally serious. "You know me now. The person in that book isn't here anymore. I don't >like< the person in that book. Why would you want to know her? She was … nothing."
"What?" Tara said incredulously, her eyes blinking and her head drawing back. "Willow, I don't … I don't believe that. I could never believe that."
"Fine," Willow said wearily, all anger draining out of her. "You wanna' walk down memory lane? Let's take a walk. Get comfy," she said, pointing to the bed.
"Willow, if you really don't want -" Tara began, nervously noting the air of defeat surrounding Willow.
"No, let's do this," Willow said, her lips forming a grim line as she climbed up onto the bed and adjusted the pillows against the headboard. Tara stood in the middle of the room, the yearbook clutched against her chest, just watching Willow. "Come on," Willow said, patting the bed beside her.
Tentatively, Tara got on the bed, leaning back against he pillows and stretching her legs out in front of her. Slowly, she drew her knees up, resting the yearbook against her legs, pressing her hand flat against the cover and taking a deep breath, as if she could somehow absorb the knowledge of what Willow didn't want her to see and why.
"Let's get this over with," Willow said brusquely, and Tara could only stare at Willow, her jaw slightly dropped as Willow brushed away her hand and began searching through the index. "Rosenberg, Rosenberg …" Willow muttered, finding her name in the back of the yearbook, a series of page numbers next to it. Tara's eyes drifted down to the finger Willow had traced down the page, seeing that Willow's hand was shaking.
"Baby, no," Tara said, taking the book away and snapping it shut, dropping it on the bed next to her. Heart pounding, she took Willow's shaking hands in her eyes, noting with some panic that Willow kept her eyes averted and wouldn't look at her. She had no idea what was going on, but she was determined to find out. "What's wrong?" she asked firmly. "Just … tell me, please."
"I … I can't," Willow said, her voice strained, her shoulders tense as if expecting something horrible to happen at any moment.
"Willow, sweetie …? Look at me, please," Tara said, her voice pleading with Willow to just look at her. Slowly, Willow's eyes lifted, and Tara almost gasped at the sight. The usually sparkling eyes, so full of life, seemed strangely flat and hollow, no emotion there but the quietest glimmer of fear.
Willow couldn't help the perverse feeling of triumph that welled up in her when Tara put the book aside, even as a wave of guilt washed over her. She knew she was worrying Tara, and she hated doing that, but how could she explain that the person Tara had fallen in love with - the person Tara had even kind of looked up to - was really an insecure geek who let people walk all over her, deep inside?
The way Tara looked at her, Willow knew she didn't see it - Tara had never seen it. Somewhere beneath the 'Cool Monster Fighter' was an awkward little girl, who had always been laughed at and taken advantage of, and Willow knew she couldn't handle it if Tara did either of those things. She couldn't handle it if Tara pitied her.
"What are you afraid of?" Tara asked on a whisper, searching Willow's face and barely brushing her cheek with her knuckles as she wondered just how this whole situation had gone so horribly wrong so horribly fast. "Is it … are you, umm … afraid of … me?" Tara finally gathered herself enough to ask, her eyes brimming over with pain and uncertainty.
"What?" Willow blurted out, her own eyes widening. "No! Of course not!" she hastily assured Tara, before her mind had a chance to really turn the question over and look at it from all sides. A guilty feeling settles in her gut. That's exactly what she was afraid of, wasn't it? Being afraid of Tara's reaction was, she realized, the same thing as being afraid of Tara herself.
Tara easily read the thoughts flickering across Willow's expressive face - could see the guilt and confusion there - and she felt her heart breaking. Willow was afraid of her. After everything they had gone through, after everything they had been to each other, Willow was afraid of showing her this - of sharing this part of herself with Tara. Her brain felt like it was shutting down, her lungs freezing in her chest, as she found no words to describe - even just to herself - how incredibly painful the realization was.
"Tara, baby, no," Willow said, shaking her head helplessly, seeing all too clearly how hurt Tara was by all of this.
"No, I understand," Tara said bleakly, rising stiffly from the bed. "I'm, umm … I think I, uhh … I gonna' go for a, umm … w-walk," she said, moving to the door. It was strange, Tara realizing numbly, to be walking >away< from Willow right now. Here she was, feeling hurt and lost, and that had always meant walking >to< Willow.
"No, you don't understand," Willow said thickly, her voice low and strained.
"Then explain it to me," Tara said, turning away from the door, her eyes pleading with Willow to say something - anything - to make the hurting stop.
"I'm, um … I'm ashamed," Willow said softly, her eyes focused on the yearbook. "I'm ashamed of this," she went on, one finger tracing the spine of the book. "Of who I was. Of who I'm so very afraid I still am."
"Willow?" Tara asked, moving back to the bed and sitting down, covering her girlfriend's hand with her own, twining their fingers together and waiting patiently until Willow's eyes rose to meet her own. "I know you," she said, her voice serious and steady. "I know you better than I know myself sometimes, and there isn't a single piece of you I don't love."
"You don't … you don't know this," Willow said, a little frown on her face. "You don't know the person in this book."
"But I want to," Tara said softly. "I want to know everything about you, and if this is a part of it, no matter how distant and small, I want to know it."
Wordlessly, Willow withdrew her hand, opening up the yearbook and flipping slowly through the pages, her expression a little uncertain, but soft and loving as she sneaked a glance at Tara. Unfamiliar faces drifted by as Tara watched the pages turn, her gaze drawn to this book that held Willow Secrets within it. On one level, she was still a little stung that Willow had tried so hard to hide something she suspected was very important from her, but on another, she couldn't help a little thrill of excitement running through her.
"Here," Willow said, stopping on a page and pushing the book towards Tara. Willow turned and spread out, lying face down on the bed, her chin propped up in her hand. Tara drew her legs up, crossing them into a comfortable position, leaning over to see the book, her hand naturally coming to rest on Willow's back, subconsciously rubbing the tense muscles there.
"Oh, Willow," Tara said breathlessly, turning the book and tugging it closer, leaning in for a better view. She wasn't sure exactly what she had been expecting, but this picture of Willow certainly wasn't it. Maybe … braces? Pimples? Thick glasses? "Oh, wow," she went on. "Your hair is so long," she said in a wondering tone, a delighted little smile crossing her face. "It's pretty," she said, uncrossing her legs and turning so she could lay down next to Willow, her own chin propped up on her hands as she looked at the yearbook.
"I cut it pretty soon after," Willow said softly. "I kept burning bits of it on the Bunsen burners in Chemistry class."
"Did you really?" Tara asked, bumping Willow's shoulder with her own. "My Chemistry teacher finally gave up and assigned me a lab partner, and instructed me to not touch anything. I kept burning myself," she admitted sheepishly.
"Oh, baby," Willow said, turning her head to look at Tara. "Owie," she said, her brow furrowed. "I wish I'd been there. I'd have kissed it to make it feel better."
"I wish you'd been there, too," Tara said, a little grin forming as her foot brushed Willow's. "You could've been my lab partner." Tara turned back to the yearbook, reading the text accompanying the picture of a proud and grinning Willow. "You won the Science Fair?" Tara asked, her little grin spreading into a wide smile. "For the whole state?" she squeaked.
"Ummm … yeah," Willow admitted, looking down and picking at a loose thread on the comforter.
"Willow! That's a really big deal!" Tara said, turning her head and looking at her lover with surprise, wondering why Willow had never mentioned it. "Baby, I'm so proud of you," Tara blurted out, then blushed. "I mean, I, umm … I know it happened years ago, and, uhh, it had nothing to do with me," she said sheepishly. "But I still feel … really proud of you."
"Really?" Willow asked, her eyes going wide as she looked back at Tara. "Even though I'm … I mean, look at me," Willow said, pointing at the picture. "I'm all geeky and lame, and I total spaz. I mean, it's a still picture, so I'm not trying to move or talk or anything, but believe you me … if I were moving and talking in the picture, you'd just be thinking 'spaz'. The band geeks were cooler than me. And I wore all the wrong clothes and I said all the wrong things, and the only people who liked me needed me to help them save the world and all, and I got made fun of in the halls, and I'd just take it, or I'd get all babble-y, and they'd just kind of laugh some more-"
"Willow," Tara said, a sad smile crossing her face as she pressed a finger to Willow's lips to silence her. "There's no way Willow Babble got made fun of more than Tara Stutter."
"People made fun of Tara Stutter? But I love Tara Stutter! Tara Stutter is really … cute. And sweet," Willow said softly, a confused look on her face.
"And Willow Babble is adorable," Tara said. "Kids are mean," she went on, shrugging slightly. "I mean, not all of them, and not always, but a lot of them. They make fun of people who are different to feel better about themselves. It's just the way things are."
"I guess," Willow said noncommittally. What Tara said made sense, and it was something she knew in her head, but she could still hear the voices … could still hear the taunts and whispers.
"Come on," Tara said, nudging Willow lightly. "I want to see more adorable High School Willow pictures," she said, pushing the book towards Willow. "Find me one," she demanded imperiously.
"Yes ma'am," Willow said with a light laugh, feeling obscurely better as she started flipping through the pages again in search of another picture. She found one and stopped, biting her lower lip and sighing, pushing the book back towards Tara.
"Oh, wow," Tara said, her eyes widening.
"Wow? What are you thinking?" Willow asked curiously, leaning in and peering over Tara's shoulder.''
"I'm thinking I shouldn't tell you what I'm thinking," Tara said slowly. "You're what, fifteen in that picture? Sixteen? I could probably be arrested."
"Oh, really?" Willow asked slowly, an intrigued look on her face.
"Oh, yeah," Tara said, looking over at Willow with a wicked glint in her eye.
"Well, lucky you, you've got the older legal version right here," Willow said, turning over and tugging Tara on top of her.
"Oooh … I like the way you think, Ms. Rosenberg," Tara said with a wide grin, leaning in and kissing Willow softly.
"Mmm… me too," Willow said with an answering grin, before she couldn't say anything else because Tara was keeping her mouth far, far too busy.
by IsayAmberBensonsgorgeous » Tue Jun 04, 2002 5:29 pm 
That was a kick ass fic. 
at: 6/7/02 12:24:15 am
FAWN