The Questions and (un)-Answers game

[SithLordWiccan]

A: You'd be surprised. Just yesterday, I thought it was September 1997.

Q: Why did I think it was September 1997 yesterday?

[JustSkipIt]

A - Because everything that's old is new again.

Q - Why does my dog shed so much?

[Candleshoe]

A: So that you will brush him, love him, fuss him, and stroke him more. Dogs are cleverer than they seem...

Q: Why do people pay more money for "antique" stuff than new stuff? Surely it's just old?

[Artemis]

A: Everything that can be classified 'antique' at advanced ages tastes better the older it is, just like fine wine. You'll find that the flavour of a newly-manufactured chest of drawers, for example, is simply not in the same league as a similar piece of furniture from the Elizabethan or Renaissance ages. I'm quite partial to Victorian bronzework myself, but chaise-lounges from 1600-1800 go with everything.

Q: It was 11 years after its construction that people began referring to the White House as the White House - so how did they know to paint it white before then?

[Candleshoe]

A: I believe that there were several different exterior designers brought to the project in the first few years. Each had broadly the same idea about the essential House-ness, but differed wildly in their opinions of the adjectival nature of the building. In the end, it was decided to try each incarnation of the house, and see which fitted the austere Georgian architecture. Muted browns and beiges were used widely at the start, but there followed a period of revolution in the exterior design world; there was a Bright Blue House for a time in 1809, and a Plaid House for a tragic week in 1811. British invaders were so concerned at this turn of events, that we took matters into our own hands in 1812, and insisted that the walls were painted a delicate shade of "light pink", luckily the painters misunderstood the accent and bought "white paint".

Q: Why is my house such a mess?

[Artemis]

A: Mice. When you're asleep the creep out of their little mouse-holes, fuel up their miniature off-road racers, and hold rally championships through your house. The more mess, the more course obstacles, and since mice aren't as concerned with driver safety as they are with pleasing the viewers on the MouseSports Channel, they arrange for there to be as much mess as possible. Obviously they quickly drag their vehicles, spectator stands and the mobile pit lane structure out of the way should you get up in the middle of the night for some reason, but they figure they can just leave the mess lying around because you'll just assume you left it there yourself.

Q: What's the difference between a boat and a ship?

[Candleshoe]

A: Three points in Scrabble.

Q: Why is the blown lightbulb in the place that's hardest to reach?

[FineyMcFine]

A: Come, come. It's rude to discuss the light bulb's personal life. Where it gets blown is none of our business, nor with whom. (Although I heard it was making time with the package of Swiffer refills last night, not two hours after getting blown by the the extra sponges.)

Q: Will we ever cure cancer?

[Candleshoe]

Ha ha ha!! As I typed the question I thought it was a bit ambiguous, but decided to leave it so there was more scope for answers!

A: The doctors are already nearly there with a cure for cancer. It involves the toenails of a girl who has never chewed Wrigleys, some Earl Grey tea, a medium-sized pot plant and a left green wellington boot. Unfortunately, the fact that some of those ingredients are not widely available has caused doctors to return to more traditional methods of research, which has slowed things up a bit.

Q: Why does it get dark at night?

[umgaynow]

A:Cuz the rates are cheaper than in the daytime

Q:Does switching from one pair of PJs to another count as getting dressed?

[watty]

A: depends on the salad -- you are changing pjs because you are making salad, aren't you? that's why the concoction you put on salads is called dressing, when the original chefs invented salad dressing, they stipulated that salad making and tossing and saucing etc must be performed in pjs.

Q: I read in the newspaper today that the first purpose-made parachute was invented in 1617 by a Croatian caled Faust Vranèiæ. Now my question is ... who did he get to test it out?
[br]

[Candleshoe]

A: One of George Bush's ancestors volunteered.

Q: Why is there a split in the seam of my favourite jeans?

[Krazy Dreamer]

A: Do you really want me to answer that question?

Q: Why do people always assume a person is straight until proven gay? (Ok, it's flattering that I have a secret admirer at work, but to me it's very obvious that I'm gay, and that "he" has no shot with me.)

[Artemis]

A: Shoddy gaydar. Contrary to popular opinion, straight people do have a gaydar, seeing as the design team for the human species figured it'd be easier to mass-produce us and tweak the details later, rather than use separate blueprints for straight and gay people. The task of deactivating the gaydar in straight brains was assigned to a low-level engineer - unfortunately his level of job commitment was less than stellar, and he figured it'd be easier to just short-circuit it, rather than open up the brain, remove the gaydar, and put in the replacement unit (a specially-shaped cork). However, rather than neutralising the gaydar function, this resulted in a constant negative signal being sent through the brain. Hence, straight people constantly assume everyone else is straight until given sufficient evidence to the contrary.

Q: Why are clowns so deeply disturbing?

[ambersagoddess]

A: They're communists.

Q: What, other than smurfs and flouride in tapwater, are communist plots.

-Rei

[FineyMcFine]

A: Well, Lenin's tomb, Stalin's crypt, Khruschev's spot in the graveyard, etc. (Get it?)

Q: Will the Liberals hold on to the government in Canada after today's election?

[Artemis]

A: According to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, at this stage the potentiality exists for any result at all to occur, and until the result is known, each result has equal standing as a measure of reality, insofar as there is no result not susceptible to uncertainty. Therefore, until the probability waveform is collapsed by the result moving from potentiality to actuality, yes, the Liberals hold onto the government. They also lose it, and the vote is also a tie ending in the leaders of the major parties facing off in Sumo Suits to decide who gets to run the country. Heisenberg politics is confusing, but really not much more than the regular variety, and at least it's more fun.

Q: Why are smileys yellow?

[Candleshoe]

A: Because they're made of custard.

Q: Why have I been in such a bad mood for the last couple of days?

[JustSkipIt]

AI'm going to pass up on the obvious answer to say gravity. Seriously, I mean you rarely get to just float around your flat (you're English right?) or over to Starbucks or anything. So it's finally gotten to you. You need to defy gravity more and your mood will improve significantly.

Q - Why do most people think nothing of eating chicken or beef but think eating dog or insect is gross?

[watty]

A: Way back in the Neolithic times when humans transitioned from being hunter-gatherers to famers, the Committee for the Advancement of Human Society met to decide on which plants and animals were to be domesticated. When it came to animals, they had a 'cook-off' whereby candidate animals were cooked to see if they were palatable. The problem with dogs and insects was that they could not absorb any flavoring -- salt, pepper, herbs, spices ... none of them 'stuck' to the meat and the judges didn't like them, not surprising, given the tastlessness. OTOH, chicken and cows took flavoring like ducks to water (heh, ducks were another successful species) and were henceforth declared fit for domestication.

Q: Why professional wresting?
[br]

[umgaynow]

A: Do really think anyone would make such an ass of themselves if they weren't getting paid?

Q: Why do wet dogs smell so much worse than dry ones?

[Artemis]

A: Professional wrestling has a long and glorious history reaching back to the dawn of time. It is widely recorded that God made the heavens and the Earth in six days, and on the seventh day He relaxed - what is not so well-known is that He relaxed by kicking back on the celestial sofa with a six-pack of beer and watching the World Championship Apes vs Lizards Evolve-a-thon All-in Brawl, while Mrs God glared at Him and complained that He promised when He created all that grass that He was going to mow it. (Incidentally, the ape victory was largely put down to dirty tactics on their part, including clobbering a promising strain of proto-skink with a fold-up chair while the Archangel Gabriel - acting as referee - was being distracted by a crafty Neanderthal complaining about pro-lizard bias in the largely dinosaurian audience.)

Since then, professional wrestling has held a proud and important place in
all of recorded history. The Pyramids were built largely to provide an appropriately epic backdrop for Dynasty Rumble XI (Amen "The Great Flood" Hotep defeated Tutan "Rootin' Tootin'" Kamen in three rounds); the Great Wall of China was an early (and badly misjudged, scale-wise) attempt at a cage match; the Crusades began as a brawl between rival supporters during the grudge match between the Papal Posse and the Muslim Manhunters tag teams; the great fire of London was a victory stunt at His Britannic Majesty's Royal Rumble that got out of hand; and Sir Edmund Hillary climbed Mt Everest not "because it was there", but because he was trying to secure a really tall jump-off point to clothesline Tenzing Norgay and thereby win the Last Man Standing On Top Of The World bout.

It's only in recent years that professional wrestling has ceased to be the driving force behind human civilisation, and become a rather silly televised spectacle in which large men in small costumes pretend to fight each other. In spite of its current silliness, humanity persists with wrestling, in the hope that one day it will regain its former stature, and lead us to the
stars.

ETA: Darn it! Too slow. Oh well... by fortunate conincidence, the above also explains the whole wet dog smell thing. Originally, before the commercialisation of wrestling, fans would place guard dogs on their intended seating locations days before the event - ancient wrestling venues such as Stonehenge, the Pyramid of the Sun, and Atlantis didn't have reserved seating, so you had to do what you could to get a good seat. To further increase their dogs' seat-holding ability, many wrestling fans bred dogs that smelled absolutely awful when wet, to ensure that no-one would try to take their spot. These days wrestling fans can just buy tickets ahead of time, but the genes for weapons-grade stink remain in the canine species.

Q: If Superman's all noble and selfless and humble, why does he have a big 'S' on his chest as if to broadcast to the world "Hey look everyone, I'm Superman!"?

[Candleshoe]

A: I admit, it does look a bit like he's bragging, but that is only if you believe that the "S" stands for Superman. It is a very little known fact that the "S" actually stands for "String". When Mr Kent was attempting to come up with the disguise, he auctioned off his chest on an earlier version of eBay to see whether he could distract attention from his powers by advertising on his torso. The String Marketing Board leapt in with a bid of $173 only 36 seconds before the end of the auction, thereby winning the rights to place their logo on his abs.

Unfortunately, they failed to come up with a snazzy logo in time for the first rescue attempt. Mr Kent therefore had to come up with something on the fly (heh), and the best he could do was an "S".

Q: Why is my brother still dating a woman we all hate?

[ambersagoddess]

A: Because she's pregnant

Q: Why are small children so incredibly facinated by decaying, bloody carcasses on the side of the road?

-Rei

[Candleshoe]

Well, ambersagoddess just put my life in perspective - at least that situation isn't as bad as it could be. Thank you, you made me laugh for the first time in a while.

A: Because children haven't yet learned to be distracted by the shiny, pretty things in shops...

Q: Why do dogs always look hungry, even when you have just fed them?

[Sasha]

A: Government conspiracy. 'Nuff said.

Q: Why is there a light in the refrigerator but not in the freezer?

[Candleshoe]

A: I did an experiment once, and it involved opening the door to the fridge in my kitchen and then running and opening the door to the freezer in the garage. The light went on in the kitchen but not in the garage. I therefore concluded that the elf who switches the lights on and off has shorter legs than I do.

Q: Why do people argue about paying £10 to a hard-working lawyer but not about paying £2.2million to the owner of a field?

[FineyMcFine]

A: Your honor, I have an objection to that question. But it's overruled. I'll rephrase: because lawyers wear those white curly wigs!

Q: Why do I have to work with such imbeciles?

[Candleshoe]

A: You don't. You could come and work with these imbeciles instead.

Q: Why is there a man putting on a tuxedo in the window opposite my office?

[kindagay]

A: Okay, you know how, if you think too much about how you do something, you forget how to do it? Well, the man in the window opposite your office has been thinking about how to put his tuxedo on far too much, & he's forgotten how to get dressed, so now he has to practice until he remembers exactly how to put his tux on.

Q: How come my nieces seem to think that I'm a chair?