Looking for advice on depression

[amazon]

I was wondering if there is anyone on the Kitten Board who has anything to say about this difficult topic.
The reason I ask is that I suspect my girlfriend may be suffering from depression. We are both 19. I have known her for 13 years but we've only been together for 4 months. That's when I really got to know her. I know more about her than anybody else. She hasn't had an easy life, like most people or even I would've thought.

I have done some "research" on the web. I'm no expert but from what I have read she does have a lot of symptoms.

I'm not sure where to start...
She and her mom moved to my hometown just before we started 2nd grade. We became instant friends cause we were introduced through our grandmothers, who knew each other. We connected. We were always connected and more alike than any of the others in our class. But we were never best friends or anything. We were just friends. We did not meet much on our free time.
I was always friends with everyone. That was just me. I didn't think much wrong of people.
In 6-7th grade she moved, but came back in 8th grade. She has told me that everything changed then. While she had been in a different place where people were different and nicer, my hometown had stood still. It was the same people but they didn't seem any older and mature. Exepct me. I was still the same, but I had a best friend now. I was closer to the girls in our class. We had our own thing. She felt forgotten. She felt like nobody saw her. I didn't see her.
This led her to an eating disorder that nobody knew about. She kept going like that for about 2 years, but she was able to stop 'cause she realised it was getting out of control. There is only 5 people who knows about this today. The eating disorder did show on her, but nobody thought about it. She was very thin at some point and didn't get her period before the end of 10th grade.
Even thought she has stopped throwing up and avoiding to eat, the disorder still has a hold on her. She doesn't have a normal relationship to food. She almost never can eat without feeling intense nauseousness. Especially when she eats around people she doesn't know or trust. That sounds psychological. That is a huge problem in her everyday life.
She also has intense migrenes very often. She has mood swings and she is negative a lot. She has even considered attempting sucide many times. She was talking to me by SMS once while she sat alone in the bathroom with a knife in her hands.

A week ago she told me about something that happened to her when she was maybe 3-4 years old. Something she had forgotten about, probably surpressed. Her own grandfather had touched her. Actually put his hand in her panties and stroked her, before she pulled away and went out of the room to her grandmother. She didn't understand it than. She doesn't remember the last time she thought about it, but it has started to bother her now. Sex has started to be a little scary for her, but she does trust me and we have had sex after she told me. She is just a little more careful.

In addition to all this, her relationship with her mother is not good. They live in the same small appartment, but are not close at all. Her mother commands her around, telling her to do this and that. She has no idea that her own daughter had an eating disorder. She has never asked her or mentioned it. She did not understand the reason her own daughter was so thin. Why she never ate normally. My girlfriend can't even remember the last time her mother hugged her or said "I love you".

She also has trouble sleeping. She always thinks about the negative sides of things first. Telling her positive things mostly makes it worse.
But when things are good, they are soo good. We are so good together. We love each other so much and have the best times together. It's mostly when I'm not there that things are bad. Which is scary, because we live about 2 hours away, and our time together is limited 'cause of work and school.

She is aware that something is wrong about her. She knows that her eating habits are not normal. She knows that she is negative and she sees that it has it's effect on me. She even talked about going to a therapist.
I want to help her more than anything. I want to know the right words to say and I want her to get professional help. I love her so much. I've loved her for so long.

Please, does anybody have any advice or experience about this topic?

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

Hi There,
I remember you from that incredible post you left on The Moment of Truth Thread. I always wondered about your girl from what you said last time. Your lady sounds similar to me or more like who I was. The first and big thing is that she needs to do some personal house cleaning. As long as she is surrounded by any negative energy it will make it difficult for her to work on making herself a better person. I am referring to her mother. I know it is easier said then done, but she needs to be away from her. Staying in a hostile environment feeds your depression. If she wishes to continue having a relationship with her mother she may do it from afar. If that isn't enough then she needs to cut her off. This will not make her a bad person. This will simply mean she is taking charge of her life. One as a person has no obligation to keep anyone in their lives if all they do is cause them pain. I don't care if they are family. Being family with more reason should love and support each other not destroy and hurt each other. It will be hard but for the best. One of the best gifts one can give to oneself is letting go of all the negativity in your life. Depression can be a hard thing if you don't do something to overcome it. It can consume you. It is up to her to keep feeding into it or start taking charge of her life.

I am responding all mixed up with what you said, but I felt compelled to write what I wrote first. About her eating disorder. I may be mistaken, but this sounds like her escape. Her outlet. Some of us cut ourselves, do drugs, alcohol, sex or whatever feels good for us to escape. It sounds crazy but it is a safety net. When all else fails guess what? These negative escapes are always there. So it may feel comforting to one. In this case it is her eating disorder. It is the one thing she can control the way she wants to. When things are bad she always has that. She knows no different until she wants to see and know different.

The almost or maybe you wanna call it sexual abuse. I rather not say anything here where everyone can see cos this is a sensative subject. I don't want to say the wrong thing. If you want my input on the matter feel free to PM me. I personally never was sexually abused hard core, but just like your girl I went through a situation. In my case I was rubbed up from behind by a man who had is private part exposed and I felt it, but nothing more happened. Luckily it was cause someone came home and he left me alone. As I said if that is the only incident she went through I will give you my input and feelings regarding that.

You being there is wonderful amazing even, but she needs to do things on her own too. She can't always count on you to be there cos you won't be able to. At the end of the day it is her and her alone. No matter where she's at in this world it is the saying me, myself and I. Whatever she feels she may need to work on sit down and figure out how. Also have her invest more time and effort in her interests and things she loves. I am sure there are some positive things that she likes to do that can be uplifting. I mean something more then YOU! Maybe you can even do them together. Believe me once she starts getting rid of the bad. Letting go of her heartaches and pains the healing process can fully begin. She will learn to love herself. I am able to say all this to you because believe me my life has been hard. The hardest thing in my life was....ME! I had to realize and accept that I couldn't always blame others for having a messed up life. I had to learn and live life on my own and take responsibilty for my actions on my own. It is easy to say oh this person hurt me so I will hurt myself by doing something destructive. The challenging part is to face it and deal with it in a different way that isn't destructive. Once she starts taking better care of herself believe me I promise all good things and people will follow. Take this from what a dear and loving person calls me The Wounded Healer. If there is more I can do for you please don't hesitate to ask.

Paz y amor for you and your love!
Jenny B

[JustSkipIt]

Hi there.

Well, I don't feel very qualified to address your question so I'll just say that it sounds like your girlfriend has some issues that she may want to seek some professional help for. A therapist or counselor might be able to help her and direct her to resources. That process might also lead to her removing herself from her mother's influence. As Jen said above, I think it's important to try to remove negative influences from our life but I also think that can be pretty hard, especially when it's your mother and especially if she lives with her. If not a therapist, perhaps a religious leader? Most pastors have a lot of experience in counseling their parishioners and many churches even have elders or other members who are qualified as Steven's counselors. I don't know if I spelled that right but I've encountered some who were good listeners and had a good list of resources.

Ok. All that said, I think it's somewhat important for you to understand that while you love and care for your girlfriend, you can't make her get help or make her change. You can express your concerns and care and love but she has to take her own steps. For that reason, I'd recommend that you perhaps seek out some support of your own. It might be useful to talk to someone who is an expert on partnering someone with a history of abuse or eating disorders. Your priority ultimately has to be on keeping yourself strong and healthy.

Good luck and PM me if you'd like to chat further. I hope it's useful.

Debra