FID's Poetry [Updated 8/11/05]

[fun in dysfuntion]

Hi Everyone,

I've been enjoying the original work here. Just thought I would share some poetry. My poetry tends to be dark. Very dark. If allusions to abuse and/or suicide disturb you, please don't read. I have cleared the my work with the mods, but this may still be very disturbing for some. It is nothing like my W/T fanfic (Finding Significance, Gaydar, or my shorts), which tend to be lighter and fluffier.

Feel free to leave constructive comments.

Cheers,
teddy

[fun in dysfuntion]

Sometimes

Sometimes
a hand comes a little too fast towards my head
a friend pulling a twig from my hair
a loved one who reaches to touch my cheek
I flinch
An unsure hand pulls away
And I’m left in my involuntary isolation
I try to explain, but the words crumble in my mouth
What do I say?
Sorries interspersed with nervous laughter pour from me

Remnants of purple long faded from my skin
floods anger through my system
triggering echoes of Don’t fucking cry!
I try to detach myself
Feel numb
Anything
but fear and hurt

Piercing needles of bile words ricochet in my memories
More painful than the blue that tinged my back
But never fading never ending
Sometimes
I wish
you had just hit me

[fun in dysfuntion]

Note: This was written as a thank you to a friend.

for the one who reminded me to breathe

i can’t remember how long
i held my breath
while spasming lungs protested
against a stubbornly sealed throat
and pinpoints of light
flashed before exhausted tear-filled eyes
i held my breath
to hide
from unforgotten shadows
curled in a fetal position
while dark thoughts spiralled
i held my breath
while ravenous doubts
silently fed off the lacerations of a sharp mind

i wrap my gratitude
in verbal bows of veneration
for the one who reminded me to breathe

[fun in dysfuntion]

Note: The title is based on a very strange fact my neighbor told me. Apparently, an individual's daily nutritional intake could be satisfied by drinking 21 Guinesses, eating a stick of butter, and one lime. The individual who told me this was a grad student in nutrition, and I'm not. So, I'm not absolutely sure if it's correct, but it did give me an idea for this piece.
~*~*~*~

21 Guinesses, a Stick of Butter, and a Lime

A body can survive
drinking 21 Guinesses
ingesting a stick of butter
and consuming one lime

Instead I drank 12 whiskeys
on the 16th year of not being dead.
Wanting to be
Instead I swallowed 5 boxes of sleep
on the13th year of not being dead.
Wanting to be
A body survives
devouring wretchedness
spewing stubbornness

[Emms]

wow, all three of your poems were so very powerful. I really loved the way that you packed so much emotion into relatively short, compact pieces of verse.

Sometimes was a little dark for my taste, but I could certainly appreciate where it was coming from. The words you chose really sounded with a tang of bitter reality that can sometimes be lacking in poetry today (with the exception of certain mellow-dramatic poets that prefer to stay within the boundaries of angst and rarely venture outside the topic of self-condition...not that there's anything wrong with that)

There's a certain rawness to your work that speaks boldly of flexibility while at the same time maintains a certain rigidness that allows the reader to stay immersed in the flow and point of the poem while still leaving room to 'read between the lines'

My favorite poem of the three being 21 Guinesses, a Stick of Butter, and a Lime I just absolutely loved the way you were able to take something interesting from your world and turn it into an artful statement about what I see as the 'rebellion stage' of life, Where one, has the ample knowledge of what it takes to survive yet proceeds to ignore that knowledge for the sake of one's unwillingness to do what is expected by society in general. But that's just my interpretation.

okay...sorry if I got lost in a ramble for a minute there....there was a point in there somewhere... ahhh...I think what I meant to say was... I really enjoyed your poetry and I really hope that you see fit to post another round.

hehe..

Take care.

xoxo
Emms

[fun in dysfuntion]

Hi Emms,

Thank you so much for the insightful post.

In Sometimes, I attempted to compare the harsh effects of verbal & physical abuse, both being traumatic and affecting the individual later in life. The possible choice an individual would make (if such choices were possible) in such situations based on the effects the individual sees in her/his later life. Even though my poems are very dark, most deal with surviving the darkness.

I love the premise of 21 Guinesses… The fact that this guy actually spent hours calculating the caloric as well as the vitamin contents of Guinesses to find out how many an individual could consume to meet “healthy” recommendations is just too funny for me (the stick of butter and lime were added because of the fat and Vitamin C not present in the beer). This kernel of knowledge led me to think about the differences between how one’s body can survive versus how one actually does survive. I use the background of adolescence, because it is typically such a rebellious time fraught with negative self images/esteem.

I do hope to post more poetry. Hopefully, I will have expanded from my angst poems.

Thank you again for your thoughtful response.
teddy

[Emms]

Teddy,Your explainations only serve to highten the wonderfulness of your poetry. It's so awesome when an artist can summarize their work to the degree that you have. It's obvious that you have an awareness of what you're talking about concerning the intent of your poetry and that makes reading and responding even more delightful. Thank you.

I can't wait to read more...

xoxo
Emms

[SJ]

Liked all those poems,great writing,thanks for sharing.

[fun in dysfuntion]

SJ,

Thank you so much for enjoying my writing.

I hope to share more.
Cheers,
teddy

[fun in dysfuntion]

Abstract

Accusatory stares
from old haunts
call me out.
Death is common
not a commodity here.
I know the drill
hard eyes, tense muscles
No weakness.
Pray…

For a choice
a rarity for the fled
from melees to dissentions
Evanescent solace
in aureate abstracts
pithiness and precision
honed twin edges
sharpened to sunder
methodic esoteric ideologies.

Cradling my disparate shards
you consummate me
decipher my desultory mind.
With you
I am summated.

[fun in dysfuntion]

For the ignored

Spare me
from your mental masturbation
I am not
your ego whore
paid to stroke your ideas.

I take no comfort in
the thoughts of sheep
bleating for your approval.

Instead
I will my last breath
to embers
burned low.
I hold my hand out
to the throngs
of ignored insight
and to kindness
from unknown souls.

[SJ]

Great expressive writing.

[fun in dysfuntion]

SJ,

Thank you so much for your feedback. It's much appreciated.

Cheers,
teddy

[fun in dysfuntion]

Finding My Joy
(a series of haikus)

Chance encounters, our
homes far away. Friendship built
over shared repasts.

Allured to your mind,
sharp as razors, slicing through
other’s ignorance.

Crumbling my walls to
my vulnerability,
you nestled yourself.

Accepting my path
as I have yours. Our days spent
in and out of sync.

A curled koala,
my body wraps around yours,
I have found my joy.

[SJ]

Great writing.

[Emms]

OMG! WONDERFUL!

I laughed when I realized the irony in Abstract (which was such a fitting title, I must say)

I absolutely loved the way the words seemed to gradually grow more complex as it progressed. It was almost like water collecting in a basin. For example:

Accusatory stares
from old haunts
call me out.
Death is common
not a commodity here.
I know the drill
hard eyes, tense muscles
No weakness.
Pray…

The first stanza starts so simply, allowing the reader to get a grasp of what's being described.

For a choice
a rarity for the fled
from melees to dissentions
Evanescent solace
in aureate abstracts
pithiness and precision
honed twin edges
sharpened to sunder
methodic esoteric ideologies.

And then it moves into more complex words that seem to be anything but abstract but in reality remain completely abstract (that doesn't even seem possible )

and then....my absolute favorite poem is For the ignored as i'm a sucker for a poem that doesn't hold anything back. You're not afraid to be blunt for the sake of saying something distateful, and that's what art is all about afterall. I really admire that.

Spare me
from your mental masturbation
I am not
your ego whore
paid to stroke your ideas.

that was simply brilliant.

and then there is Finding My Joy I've never seen Haikus done in exactly that way before....usually they're all about seasons and animals...and cherry blossoms... hehe

I love the way you used each Haiku in its smaller context to create something larger. I was in San Francisco this past week, and there was an artist there, who had set up her paintings on the street at some kind of art veiwing. She had wonderfully colorful paintings in which she, using various disjointed strokes and lines had composed beautiful pictures of flowers. ( There is a point in here somewhere) I commented to her that it was amazing how all these disjointed lines and smudges seemed to melt together to form a complete concept when veiwed at a distance.... My point in telling you all that, was to say, that I think your last poem is a lot like that artwork. when look at as a sum of all Finding My Joy's parts, I can really see the bigger picture.

I hope any of that ramble made sense.

Thank you for sharing, Teddy.

xoxo
Emms

[fun in dysfuntion]

Hiya folks,

SJ: You're continued support of my meandering thoughts is very appreciated.

Emms: In Abstract, I really was trying to go for a couple of different levels of understanding the word abstract. The poem is about a summary of one person's life who goes from physical confrontations on the streets of an old neighborhood to one of verbal confrontations in academia via journal articles, which often contain an abstract (summary) and which invariably includes an increase in abstract concepts. In the end, the person feels less abstract with the presence of another. Um, I'm slightly hopeless, I know.

I'm glad my bluntness in For the ignored was not offensive. "Mental masturbation" is a phrase I've used for professors/intructors who feel the need to foist their books on unsuspecting undergrads as required texts for courses. It's sometimes legitimite because it's a seminal text in the course being taught, but sometimes I'm convinced it's done because they can. My general "against the grain" personality and dislike of things "popular" is probably also coloring this poem.

As for Finding My Joy, I take an inordinate amount of pleasure in unconventional uses of Asian traditions to the chagrin of my family. Although I can discuss my poems in third person (an occupational hazard) as if they were not somehow reflective of various aspects of myself , it's slightly harder to do so with this particular poem because it is how I met my partner at a summer internship at a uni far away from our respective schools. And, since we were both had various future programs already in place, we spent a lot of time apart until we actually were able to be in a single space. Eh, I apologize for the nostalgic, maudlin sojourn there.

I hope your vacation in SF was a pleasant one. It's the city where I grew up, and I find it difficult to ever pull completely away from there. I miss the sidewalk art displays and random murals on the sides of buildings.

Cheers,
teddy

[fun in dysfuntion]

Bile

my tears cannot fade
the darkness
that mars yours skin
and clouds your eyes
with halcyon pleas
and broken breath sighs

my back cannot shield
you from her apologies
wisps of white rows
of buried sorrows

my eyes cannot hide
the seeping disquiet
that slowly binds my chest
or the viscid bile
that climbs my throat
for her

[Safuega]

I just read all your poems. Beautiful work. I do not find them dark, rather I find them to be honest. Life is not always rosy after all. Enjoyed the Guinness one for the absurdity of the nutritionist's concept, which I think you capture well by contrasting it with the desire to be dead.

Oh yeah, also liked the mental masturbation one. I recall saying the exact phrase to friends and family about my experience during grad school.

Really beautiful work. Thanks for sharing.

Safuega

[Emms]

Oh my, Teddy.....I think for once I am actually floored....speachless even...and that almost never happens when it comes to poetry

for me....this line said it all.

and broken breath sighs

Oh god I love that line. I don't even know what to say......

also,

"Mental masturbation" is a phrase I've used for professors/intructors who feel the need to foist their books on unsuspecting undergrads as required texts for courses. It's sometimes legitimite because it's a seminal text in the course being taught, but sometimes I'm convinced it's done because they can.

yeah, I totally know how you feel. I think they really get off on that. They probably go home each night, sit on their leather couches and feel all happy about how many people are in their dorm rooms or in their homes reading that book.

okay....I think I'm going to have to come back later when I have something more constructive to say.

xoxo
Emms

[onyxsundrops]

I must say that I have really enjoyed each and every poem in this thread. I admire your use of words and how well you fit them into the poem to make each line/stanza something to remember. Great job on each of them, and I cannot wait to read more.

Yvonne

[fun in dysfuntion]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for enjoying this last poem. It's perhaps one of my darkest ones because it really is just about feeling helpless while someone who one cares for suffers even though attempts to help are made. Unfortunately, the poem is referring to a real friend whose girlfriend tended to lash out and apologize by offering drugs.

Safuega: Thank you for reading my poems. I'm glad you can sense my honesty within the poems. It's a standard I've tried to maintain, and one that I seriously admire in other poetry or prose. I'm also glad you picked up on the absurdity of 21 Guinesses. I'm sure it's not very shocking that the conversation was being held by a bunch of drunk grad students. Ah, yes, I too am familiar with grad school. It's a social environment that tends not to favor my general honesty. Thanks again for posting feedback.

Emms: You give me high praise indeed. Speechless? Wow. Thank you. I have to admit I love that particular line. It just seemed to capture the moment when my friend told me how angry her girlfriend had gotten one night.

Yes, I'm totally convinced some instructors get off on making people read their books, etc. There is also the small unethical point that they receive royalties for book sales. I've always been more impressed by those who could convey their perspectives using other's texts to demontrate why they think the way they do. Hehe, have I mentioned I actually know people who have the cliche leather couches? Now, I must giggle whenever I enter their living rooms.

Yvonne: Thank you for posting. I'm happy that you enjoyed the poems. Although poetry is probably one of the few styles of writing where I could just focus on the beauty of the words, I still find myself wanting everything I write to have a purpose, so I do spend a lot of time making sure every line/stanza represents something. In the end, I know I may compromise some of the flow for impact. Thank you for noting my efforts.

Thanks again everyone for posting. Your feedback is highly appreciated.

Cheers,
teddy

[SJ]

Great poem.

[BreatheNoMore]

I love your poems, I like how you use the words. When I write I use way too much the same words. :( Maybe its just that I dont speak english as my 1st language.

I really like Sometimes, it was great, I love sad poems, theyre just great.

Anyways, keep up the great writing.

[fun in dysfuntion]

Hiya folks,
Thanks for reading. It's always very cool to hear what folks think.

SJ: Thanks for the words of support.

Jenni: You're English is impressive. I'm glad you enjoy the sad poems. I tend to have quite a few of them scribbled on crumpled post-its. Thanks for posting.

cheers,
teddy

[fun in dysfuntion]

vapours

warm breath mists on
chilled window panes.
amorphous translucence
shrivels
as bleakness evaporates it.
another breath
is all i have left.

[Boschi]

You catch the quiet spaces well Teddy.

I found it pretty bleak on first reading, but then bounced up a bit on it - always another breath, until of course there isn't.

Reminds me in a way of 21 Guinesses - the body survives.

I went to college (the first go round) in Maine and the winters there were (this will really shock you) frigging cold and dark. Made for some powerfully quiet nights though. I got to the point that i liked it - it felt like the world was on hold and most of me was cocooned, waiting for something. All I had to do was keep walking, didn't have to know what (or if) I was waiting for.

Ahem - sorry for personal nostalgic moment there. At anyrate, well done. Beautiful in fact. The single line - "shrivels" - transition is excellent; very haikuish (I know, I know, not a word...).

Perhaps more haikus on the way?

Regards,

Boschi

[Emms]

Hi Teddy. Wow, that was a very vivid moment in time and you illustrated it so well. I, as the reader, have no idea what's going on in the life of the poem character, but in this instance i don't need that kind of knowledge. Sometimes it's what the writer doesn't say, that really forms the piece.

as bleakness evaporates it.
another breath
is all i have left.

I loved those lines...how melancholy...how dire...how absolutely delectable.

I really loved the whole poem Teddy. And it never ceases to amaze me, how you can pack each and every word with so much meaning. Even a poem as short as this one was, had so much to it, that I could spend days reading it and come away with something new and different each time through.

Thank you for sharing. It's been quite a bit of time since your last poem and I'm glad you're back to posting. Cant wait for the next one.

xoxo
Emms

[SJ]

Great writing.

[fun in dysfuntion]

Hiya folks,

Thanks for the replies. They're highly appreciated.

Boschi:

I'm happy to see you posting again. I hope all is well with you.

I am naturally a quiet person. Strange as that may sound given what I do as a job. And, I also find beauty in small things...even breathing against a window. Maybe more haikus later down the line. I rarely like structure so it's a particular mood that strikes when I write a haiku. Thanks for the post.

Emms:

Yes, my writing muses have been hibernating. Occasionally, I poke at them to make sure they are still there. I like to find beauty in everything, happy or sad. Thank you for your lovely support.

SJ:

Thank you kindly for your words.

Cheers,
teddy