Another spur of the moment thing, oddly enough inspired by the Questions and Unanwers quiz. I'm afraid our friend SithLordWiccan is indirectly responsible for this one. Thanks, Sith, I had fun writing this one. It's an uber, but I wouldn't exactly call it silly. I hope you'll like it anyway. Sadly, it meant postponing the latest Reaper somewhat, but it's still being worked on.

Title - Foxhunt

Author name - Useful_Oxymoron

Email Address - Viernadevir@hotmail.com

Rating - PG. Sorry, no saucy stuff here. Wouldn't really be appropriate, I think.

Disclaimer - Well, I don't own Willow or Tara. And if I did, I'd set them free.

Feedback- Is cool. It's always nice to know somebody liked the crap I write.

Summary- Tara's a foxhound whose first fox-hunt will be very soon. But Tara has never seen a living fox before. How will she react when she meets one?

Notes- I hate Disney. I'm aware this plot resembles plot elements of a certain Disney-film, but I am in denial about that.

[hr]
Tara was excited, there was no other way to put it. Tomorrow, after months of training, was her very first fox hunt. After an exciting trip in a car with the other foxhounds across the English countryside, it had been hard to keep her tail under control.

But nerves struck when her human had leashed her and guided her into a large wooden building. To her right, there were really big dogs with long noses and metal on their feets that looked really scary, and to her left were large pens where there were so many other foxhounds. Tara was guided into a full kennel and winced when the door snapped shut. Immediately, she lay on her belly in a subordinate position before the other dogs, not knowing how they'd react.

Immediately, one cheerful dog, her tail wagging, stepped up to her. "Hi!" she greeted. "I'm Buffy. Who are you? Wanna play? I've got a ball! It's red and bouncy!"

"Um," Tara replied shyly before looking around. "T-tara."

"Oh, hi, Tara." Buffy licked her nose. "That's Faith over there."

"Oh, great, that's all we need," Faith yawned. "More bitches in the pen, wonderful."

"Don't mind her," Buffy barked. "Oh, the boy over there who's trying to eat his own waterdish is Xander."

"What-what-what?" Xander said, before starting to chase his own tail.

"And the old grouch in the corner is Giles," Buffy replied. "He's the oldest... Uh, I mean, most experienced of us."

"Pleasure," yawned Giles.

"And the laziest," Buffy whispered. "Dammit Anya, are you licking yourself again?!

"What?!" replied a huffy Anya.

Tara was relieved when Buffy brought her ball over to her to play with. She hadn't known what to expect, but it seemed she was making loads of new friends.

"What's gonna happen tomorrow?" Tara asked.

"No biggie," Buffy shrugged. "They let the fox go, and we chase it. Then the humans on the big dogs go after us and when we find the fox, the humans take out these long tubes and make the fox dead. Then we all go home and get fed. It's really easy."

Tara looked downward. "I've never even seen a fox. Not a real one, at least. I've seen a lot of stuffed fake foxes during t-training, though."

"Don't you smell her?" Buffy said and led Tara to the edge of the kennel. And then, Tara saw the fox. A tiny red-furred animal with a long muzzle who was in a small cage, suspended above the ground.

"She's so... tiny," Tara frowned. "That's a fox?"

"She's the fox," Buffy announced cheerfully. "Tomorrow we hunt her. The humans put her up here so we can get used to her scent."

"She's... she's so scared, Buffy," Tara whined softly. "I... I can smell her fear from here."

"Tomorrow we bite her!" Faith licked her lips in anticipation.

---

After a restless night, Tara and her pack were being led from the kennel on a long multiple leash. It was very exciting. There were so many humans there, making strange sounds with copper horns. All around her, the other dogs were barking, while she was being led to the front of the troupe, even in front of the really big brown dogs with the long noses.

Then, one of the humans emerged from the stable holding the cage with the fox in it. The dogs around her went mad, barking loudly and pulling on the leash. Tara simply watched the cage for a moment. The tiny fox was even more scared than before. When the human put down the cage, he pulled out one side... and immediately the fox bolted.

Tara and the other hounds were released shortly after than, and so began the most exciting day of Tara's life: her very first foxhunt.

---

The most exciting day of Tara's life quickly turned out to be the most nightmarish day of her life. Half a mile away from the stables, Tara got separated from her pack and was now aimlessly wandering the forest, hopelessly lost. To make matters worse, she had stepped on something sharp which she couldn't get out of her paw. On top of that, it had started to rain profusely and she was covered with mud after having slipped and slid into a small brook.

Tara whined as she limped alongside the brook, there being no sign at all of other hounds or humans near.

But then, a scent... faint, but it was there. It seemed like the fox had been walking through the brook to mask her tracks and scent, but she didn't quite succeed. The fox was close, very close.

Immediately, Tara went into hunt-mode and started sniffing the wet soil, until she same upon a trail of blood. The trail led to a hollow log on the side of the road, next to the brook. And there she was: the fox was lying curled up against the back of the log, panting and looked upon Tara with fearful green eyes.

Tara was transfixed on the creature for a moment. Even though she was covered with mud, the fox was beautiful, possessing of a grace that Tara had never seen before. She also noticed that the fox was hurt: one of the other hounds had bitten her in the hind-leg.

Then, Tara remembered why she was here. She raised her lip and let out a low growl, surprising herself with the sound of her own viciousness.

The fox trembled again. "Please," the fox panted. "Please don't kill me."

Tara stopped her growl and lay down on her belly, staring at the fox.

"W-what have I ever done to you?" the fox sniffed.

Try as she might, Tara could not think of an answer.

"Why are you hunting me?" the fox questioned. "Why did your humans kill all my brothers and sisters? Why did they poison my parents?"

"Y-you're hurt," Tara stated.

"I-I don't wanna die," the fox looked at Tara with big green pleading eyes. And at that moment, Tara didn't want the fox to die either.

"C-can I come in?" Tara asked. "I, um, it's really wet out here."

The fox regarded her warily. "You... you won't kill me?"

Tara lay down, blocking the exit of the hollow log, but not making a threatening move towards the fox. "I'm Tara," she said.

"Willow," the fox replied warily. "Oh, god, why is this happening to me? I wasn't doing anything bad. I never hurt anyone! I found this piece of meat lying around the woods and I thought to myself 'Hey, Self, look at that nice juicy piece of meat lying over there, all for me!' And then I'm suddenly stuck in this cage and now I'm chased by dogs. I should have stayed closer to the big cities. Nobody hunts us there."

"You, um, t-talk a lot," Tara said.

"You're not the first to say that," Willow replied.

"Are you badly hurt?" Tara asked.

"Why do you care?" Willow asked warily.

"I'm sorry," Tara lowered her gaze and let out a whine.

"Your paw," Willow noticed Tara wincing whenever she put pressure on her front paw. Slowly, Willow crawled forward to take a closer look and noticed a big thorn sticking out from the sole of Tara's paw. "If I help you with that, will you promise not to kill me?" she asked hopefully.

Tara thought for a moment. One the one hand, she was here to hunt foxes. On the other hand, her paw was killing her and there really wasn't any sport in killing a fox that was crippled. "I p-promise," Tara stated.

Willow slowly crawled closer to Tara, who rolled to her side. Willow clenched her teeth around the thorn and slowly pulled it out. Tara let out a painful whine, followed by a sigh of relief when the offending thorn was finally removed.

Tara started slightly when she felt Willow leaning into her, resting herself against her fur. "W-willow?" she asked.

"You promised not to kill me," Willow whispered. "And I'm very cold... and tired. Will you let me sleep for a while? Just a little while. I'm... just... so... tired," Willow yawned.

Tara agreed and for a moment, the exhausted fox slept while leaning against her. Willow's fur was soft and fluffy, and her scent became all the more sweeter by the second. And so Tara guarded the sleeping Willow, until she stirred again.

"We could make for the big city," Willow yawned. "I know all the good watering holes."

"I dunno," Tara said. "I'm supposed to hunt foxes, not pack with them."

"And why not?" Willow huffed.

"Because foxes are evil and steal chickens."

"I never stole chickens!" Willow scoffed indignantly. "I don't need to. I can get all the food I need from trashcans. You don't believe how much perfectly good food those humans throw away."

"Humans waste food?"

"Yeah. It's, um, enough for two, Tara. Don't you want to be free?"

"I can't come with you," Tara spoke with regret. "I've got owners... and a new pack."

"You're your own hound, Tara," Willow stated. "Nobody owns you if you don't want to be owned."

At that moment, the sounds of howls could be heard over the rain outside. Willow and Tara started to see a shadow looming up from behind them.

"Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, BARK!" sounded Buffy as she snarled at the fox... only to frown when she finally spotted Tara.

"Oh, hi, Tara," Buffy wagged her tail. "Hey, what are you doing with that fox?"

"Oh, uhm," Tara lowered her head and hung her tail low. "We, uh, we're sorta... f-friends. Please don't scare her," she said while Willow trembled with fear and hid behind Tara.

Buffy blinked.

"Huh?" she finally replied.

"Yeah, it's, um, kinda hard to b-believe, I know," Tara started.

"Actually, Anya spotted it. She just went 'Yeah, just watch her, she's large with the fox'. Guess she has a good Foxdar, I suppose. So, um, how do we do this, then?" Buffy frowned, her tail never ceasing to wag.

"Willow's hurt and can't run very fast," Tara replied.

"I think Faith bit her," Buffy sighed. "She always goes for the legs. Look, I got an idea. I'll try to lead them away from you. You just run the other way, okay?"

"T-thanks, Buffy," Tara said.

"Thank you so much," Willow replied and took a moment to carefully rub her nose against Buffy's, accidentally making the other dog cough loudly.

Both Willow and Tara hugged alongside the brook, while Buffy ran interference for them at the pack. But it was only a temporary reprieve. While Willow and Tara hurried along, they could hear the sounds of the barking dogs and the hunting horns ever gaining on them.

Then, they spotted a car with a running engine standing on the side of the road.

"More h-humans!" Tara panted.

"No," Willow panted gleefully. "We're saved! Hunt saboteurs!"

Willow headed directly towards the humans who emerged from the car. One was a male with a long black coat and yellow hair. The other was a female with long dark hair, hidden underneath a baseball cap. With one swift move, the male scooped up the fox, but to Tara's horror, he also brandished a stick which he swung right at her.

"Go on!" shouted the male. "Bugger off, you bloody hound! This fox is going nowhere with you!"

It was obvious that the humans were going to take Willow with them and leave Tara behind. "Willow!" Tara barked while avoiding the swipes of the stick. "WILLOW! WILLOW!"

"TARA!" replied the struggling fox. "Don't hurt Tara! Bring her along! She's my friend! Please!"

"Spike, wait!" spoke the female human. Spike stopped swinging the stick and regarded the situation. Willow stopped struggling while Tara regarded the human warily, yet tentatively wagging her tail slightly. "I think they're together somehow."

"What?" Spike replied. "You're bonkers, Dru!"

"We take them both," Drusilla said, guiding Tara to the back of the car, while Spike carried Willow inside.

Spike floored it, causing the car to shoot forward and away from the hunting grounds, on the road towards Manchester. "Bloody hell," he said while lighting a cigarette. "What is this? A Disney film?"

---

And so, Tara enjoyed a peaceful ride to the big city. Willow, on the other hand, was very nervous about being in a car so close to humans, even if the boot was nice and spacious. But at least she had Tara to curl up to. It helped her deal with this unusual situation.

Finally, after a long ride, the car pulled into a driveway in front of a cozy farmhouse at the edge of the city, along with a huge backyard and several sets of stables. A small sign on the front lawn read 'Drusilla Grey, Veterinary Doctor'.

Willow and Tara found themselves being led into large room which smelled funny and had a large table in the middle. Drusilla put Willow on the table, while Spike held Tara around the collar. Tara growled slightly when Drusilla picked a needle from a cupboard.

"Sssh," said Drusilla. "It's fine. I'm trying to help your friend."

"They don't understand you, Dru," Spike shook his head.

"Hush, kitten," Drusilla half-smirked.

And so Drusilla cleaned and stitched the wound on Willow's leg. Spike brought the two exhausted animals to a kennel outside, where Willow once again curled up against Tara.

"Have you ever seen anything like that?" Drusilla said while she and Spike were watching the animals.

"Seen dogs adopt kittens before, but this is right bleedin' strange, Dru."

---

Two months later, Tara was still enjoying her new life. Being a pet was a whole different cup of tea for her, but she liked it nonetheless. She had a nice doghouse next to the stables, plenty of food and regular cuddles. She loved chatting with Drusilla's other pets, a siamese cat called Miss Edith and a huge Clydesdale called Boxer... but most of all, Willow was there as well, and curled up against her every single night.

"She should have returned to the wild already," Spike said while he and his girlfriend were watching the animals from behind the window. "I don't think we'll ever get that bloody fox to leave. I wonder what's keeping her here."

"Enough food," Drusilla said. "Plenty of water. And a certain dog."

"Oh, please," Spike scoffed. "They're animals, not little people. Next thing you'll be telling me they can talk to each other."

"They might surprise you."

And in the doghouse, Willow lay on her side, pressing her back against Tara. "Willow, you never have to be afraid again," Tara told Willow.

"Tara," Willow yawned sleepily. "I'll have have to be alone again."
[hr]

Thanks for reading. Oh, btw, fox hunting is evil and I'm very happy that this barbaric sport has been banned in most parts of the civilized world.

EDIT. Note: Found this picture. Somehow, I think it has Willow written all over it : http://www.westwildcon.org/photo/gallery/fox.jpg

_________________
Max : Do you mind if I drive?
Sam : Not if you mind me clawing at the dashboard and shrieking like a cheerleader.

DIBS!

I don't what you're saying, dude. This was pretty funny. And rather angsty, too. Somehow I can just imagine this fic actually happening. Kinda reminds me of Chris' "Finding Miss Kitty Fantastico".



Explain, please.

_________________
Avatar Images Courtesy of Kirari-PGSM.net
The Star Witches Saga | Under the Sea | The Moonlight Densetsu Chronicles | Going the Distance | Slippery When Wet | Short Fics by Sith

Nothing bad. I replied to your question in the Unasnwers game over at the Kitten with a question about a foxhunt. If I hadn't been inspired enough to asnwer your question, I would never have gotten the idea for this story. So I give you my thanks.

_________________
Max : Do you mind if I drive?
Sam : Not if you mind me clawing at the dashboard and shrieking like a cheerleader.

Oh. Color me embarassed. It's not like I thought it was something bad, but it's just a surprise to find that I inspired something.

_________________
Avatar Images Courtesy of Kirari-PGSM.net
The Star Witches Saga | Under the Sea | The Moonlight Densetsu Chronicles | Going the Distance | Slippery When Wet | Short Fics by Sith

I ache from the sheer cuteness of it all!

So cute.

I especially like the fact that Willow stays with Tara...even though she's a wild, wily fox.

Awww. They're so precious. It makes me want to go and snuggle with my kitty. And by kitty, I do, indeed, mean cat.

That was a very cute fic. I always love your writing and your stories.

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Forever She will be watching over me.

Hilarious and Sweet. I can't believe how easy it is to picture them as a Fox and Foxhound. LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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This is my letter to the world, That never wrote to me-

Emily Dickinson

I loved this story - so sweet!

I agree about the fox hunting . It's been banned here but the 'Horse Set' are still trying to find a way around it.

Looking forward to your next one UO.

Caz

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"Gosh, look at those!" Willow - Doppelgangland

"I'm a bloodsucking fiend! Look at my outfit!" Willow - Doppelgangland

UO,
This tale of interspecies love and friendship is a damn sight better than what Disney ever came up with on the subject.
The tale of a fox and a hound dog i.e, an anthropomorphic Willow and Tara teaching the world that we as a civilization will never advance beyond the caveman mentality if we continue to barbarically slaughter any of the creatures put on this earth for sport and the entertainment of the landed gentry who have way too much free time on their hands and contribute little to society in the first place.
This needs to be made into an old school two dimensional hand drawn cartoon with some sly non verbal flirting between Willow and Tara, you know, a flick of the tail, a batting of the eye, some playful nudging and caressing of limbs.

_________________
I can deny chicks in chainmail nothing.
Amberhol-from the land of sky blue waters.
No Mere Music Hall, This my novel available directly from rosestindog@gmail.com.

That was a really sweet story, and surprisingly emotional too - Willow Fox's fear at being hunted and attacked, and not even understanding why, was painful to read. And so sad that no-one, except Tara of course, thought of her side, what it was like for her. And Buffy, a bit, at least being willing to help out Tara and trust that she had good reason for protecting Willow.

Spike and Dru got to be heroes, that's awesome. And they're perfectly cast in the role - Spike's all anti-establishment British punk style was the ideal counter to the traditionalist fox hunt crowd, and it's so easy to imagine Dru talking to animals (she talks to everything else, why not?) Plus, even being fairly removed from fox hunting, I've gotten the impression that the anti-hunt movement has its fair share of screw-you any-means-necessary anti-authority types, and it's just so easy to imagine Spike (with Dru along for the ride) as one of those vigilante eco-warrior people.

And lastly, yay for being anti-hunt - it brought to mind that line from Futurama (paraphrasing), "Okay, maybe thinning the herd is sometimes necessary, but the decision shouldn't be made by people who just want to shoot animals!" Sometimes foxes probably do eat chickens (though, hasn't anyone invented a fox-proof chicken coop yet?) - but it's plain to see that protecting farms had nothing to do with what happened to Willow, and it's just infuriating to think that there are people who'd go out armed on horseback with packs of dogs hunting one lonely little fox, just for fun. Sure, foxes aren't really little furry humans - but we are (human, not little and furry), and we should be better than that.

Lastly, fortunately, I never saw whatever Disney film it is that this might be reminiscent of, so I got the full effect of the fic without the Disney connotations. Yay me (I'm still mad at Disney for ever thinking that cancelling Kim Possible was a good idea - I'm glad to see they didn't, but I'm still mad at them.)

_________________
Chris Cook

Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

wow!!! that's a lovely story

This story was very interesting. (to say the least) Tara as a dog and Willow as a fox was something I never would have thought I'd be reading But it was very good. I liked it. My favorite part was when Willow and Tara were getting to know each other and Tara said something about foxes stealing chickens and Willow said: "I don't steal chickens!" (I'm going from memory on that, so I'm not sure if my wording is exactly right) I don't know why...but that just cracked me up. This story is very good and very believable (in a weird kinda way. ) And even though it could have gone there, I think you succeeded in staying out of the "Disney mentality"....very well done.

xoxo
Emms

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G Wing

Long overdue, but ... g'day, UO.

First walrus' and now a fox and a hound. You do have a way of coming up with .... original ideas here mate.

The introduction of the other hounds was a hoot. I especially liked Buffy and her ball, Xander trying to eat his own waterdish and Anya licking herself ... and boy, did my mind go to a naughty place just then.

The thorn in the paw scenario's familiar, though I can't quite remember the details of the original proverb, but at least your version ends on a happier note.

Using Spike and Dru as hunt sabateurs was a nice touch. Spike's still a rebel, and Dru comes off just as loopy, if somewhat less homicidal than usual.

Nice job, mate.

Cheers,
Paul.

_________________
That’s right: In order to make this event LESS popular, the female activists take off their tops and jog in front of onlookers. - Scott Adams, regarding the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona.

SithLordWiccan- Heya, glad you liked the story. Sorry again about the implication. It was meant as a compliment.

notl33t - Glad you liked it. Yeah, this is the Kitten board, so we know that Tara and Willow belong together in whatever form they may be.

highlandlass55 - Aw, that makes me miss my dog, who died about 6 months ago now. Pets are so precious.

Hers always - Thank you, I'm flattered.

Nika - I loved writing this muchly. Oddly enough, they do go together well in this form.

Caz - Thanks. Yeah, it's sad the Horse Set keeps trying to find ways around it. I just don't get how you preserve the countryside by running around a half a dozen horses through it.

Taralicious - You're right about that. Oh, the Horse Set acts all huffy and civilized about it, but Foxhunting is an act of cowardice. It'd be a lot braver if they'd hunt creatures that can kill them back, if need be. I mean, it's one fox and the hunters have horses and hounds, where's the sport in that?

Chris - I've read in reports that foxes in hunts suffer greatly, both from the bitewound as well as tremendous stress, as was proven by studying a fox that was rescued by hunt saboteurs.

Buffy's character is a portrayal of the 'happy and stupid' quality dogs can have. Dru's actually in it so safe the animals, while Spike is mostly in it to stick it to the man, though.

The disney film I was referring to was The Fox and the Hound, though the story was simular, I was able to avoid most of the disney crap. I hope.

Shane - Thank you!

Emms - Hey, emms. Glad you liked my story. Yeah, it's a bit weird to write them as animals, but it's different and fun to do. Willow gets all huffy about the chicken issue because she's more of an urban fox and found almost all of her food in trash-cans and never had the need to steal a chicken from a hutch, which she thinks is a bit beneath her. Glad to hear you think I stayed away from the disney mentality.

Paul - Hey, Paul. Glad you're here. By 'original' you mean 'insane', right? If so, thank you. Doing the other dogs was fun, and each dog kinda focuses on weird yet fun aspects of these furry critters.

Spike and Dru are always loopy. That's why they're so fun.

_________________
Max : Do you mind if I drive?
Sam : Not if you mind me clawing at the dashboard and shrieking like a cheerleader.

Hello, fellow kittens

I've written silly stories before, and I think I feel safe enough to post these here now. I frequent two sites these days, The Kitten and The Attic (which concentrates on Baldur's Gate and Forgotten Realms stories). Both these sides are an oasis in a desert of badfic and extreme egos. The sheer talent and community on both these sites is amazing to say the least, and I am proud to be a part of both.

Another site I frequent, is Godawful.net. Call me a masochist, but I love badfic. It fascinates me, and it gives me much to chuckle at. It's damn weird to see what kind of brain farts people can have, and I love parodying badfic. Though I vehemently believe that much is possible in writing, some things are just plain bad... and when you've been reading badfic as much as I have, you start seeing certain patterns.

I've written badfic parodies for the Attic, and now I thought it'd be nice to share these with the Kittens. This is all meant in good fun and to be tongue-in-cheek.


Title - The Badfic Parody Parade

Author name - Useful_Oxymoron

Email Address - Viernadevir@hotmail.com

Rating - PG-13, I think. Some violent imagery.

Disclaimer - Well, I don't own Willow or Tara and if I did, I'd set them free. Also, I don't own Harry Potter, Ren&Stimpy, 47, the L-word, Alan B'Stard, StarGate SG-1 or Jack Chick.

Feedback- Especially on this one. But I'm very nervous about it, as I am with all my badfic parodies. Just don't kill me, alright?

Summary- This badfic parody focuses on dubious crossovers, 8 of them to be exact. Each of them has a summary introduction and an excerpt. Hope you'll like them.

[hr]

Title - Long Lost Sister
Badfic class - Dubious Crossovers : Adoption Woes.
U_O's comment - Well, this is the kind of story you usually see in connection to Lord of the Rings of Harry Potter fics. Usually one of the cast turned out to have been adopted when the original family lost the kid/sent away the kid for safety's sake/sent the kid as part of an exchanged program/never explained at all. Oddly enough, almost all of these badfics are devoid of angst and the character that's adopted just goes through the motions without any question at all.
Cross-over - BTVS/Harry Potter
Set in : Season 5.
Excerpt:

Willow and Tara were relaxing at the Rosenberg residence when the doorbell ran. Wonder who it might be at this time of night, and since her parents were too busy playing chess, Willow got up from her beanbag chair and ran over the door. When she opened the door, she saw a large family standing in front of her, all of them dressed in robes, all of them having fiery red hair.

The eldest of them, a nice looking chap and a mother that was close to tears, addressed her. "Willow?" he asked. "Willow Rosenberg?"

"Uh? Okay?" Willow tried, when she regarded the weird family. The many boys were looking back and forth between her and her family, and the lone girl beamed with sisterly love.

"OH, WILLOW!" the strange woman took her into a massive bearhug.

"Ack!" Willow squirmed. "Must... breathe... now... or... die..."

"Oh, I'm sorry, you must be very confused," said the man, "my name is Arthur Weasley and this is the Weasley family. You are our long lost daughter. We have to take you home with us to England, away from your family and friends forever, so you can enroll in Hogwarts and meet many strange people, up to and including a nice boy with glasses."

Willow blinked.

"Oh, go ahead!" Sheila called from her game.

"Yeah, we never loved you anyway," Ira added.

Willow blinked again. "YYAAAAY!" she celebrated. "Can I bring Tara?"

---

Title - Resistance
Badfic class - Dubious Crossovers : Impossible and non-sensical.
U_O's comment - Every once in a while, you come across a crossover that makes no sense whatever and contains people that can never ever meet, even under the oddest of circumstances. Usually, the author makes no effort at all to explain what has happened and why.
Cross-over - BTVS/The New Statesman guest starring Rik Mayall as Alan B'Stard.
Summary : When tori ultra-right winger and upper-class prat Alan B'Stard inexplicably gets elected mayor of Sunnydale and bans everything gay just to further his own political and monetary power, Tara and Willow set up a resistance movement.
Set in : Season 5.
Excerpt:

"How could you do this?" Willow protested as the new british mayor of Sunnydale sat calmly behind his desk. "How could anyone do this?"

"My dear girls," the mayor said with false sympathy. "Don't you see how easy it is to simply let the state control your lives? Come on, it's meaningless enough as it is, you might as well let us make every decision for you. Why, if you did, your life might even last as long as sex with me does."

"Twelve seconds?" Tara quipped.

"Oh, hah, bloody hah," the mayor crossed his arms. "Gay stays banned, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the ten million dollar pay-off from the Billy Graham Foundation or the mandatory gayness fines I've signed to motion. Now be off. I've got more things to do than to talk to poor people all day. Why, you're lucky enough to have me here in your american swamp-town... Just stop being gay, or you'll be poor forever. I have the largest majority in the house of Commons, you know. Now, pop off, I'm sure there's a hoe-down somewhere around here."

Willow's lip quivered with rage as she clenched her fists. "You... you BASTARD!"

The mayor laughed sadistically. "No," he smirked. "B'STARD."

---

Title - Visiting my cousin
Badfic class - Dubious Crossovers : The Sexy Cousin
U_O's comment - And then there are the crossovers where two casts are linked together by a family bond. Sometimes this works, but often enough this is ridiculous because of the vast differences between characters and conflicts in established family histories.
Cross-over : BTVS/The L-word.
Summary: When Tara stays with her sexy cousin, she's bound to have many sexy adventures.
Set in : Season 4, after New Moon Rising

Tara eagerly stepped off the plane, grateful to have ground underneath her feet. So, there she was in Los Angeles. It had been so long since she had seen her cousin, who was well known to be the black sheep of the family. But now that she was free of her family's yoke, she was also free to visit her cousin, who was quite anxious to meet her ahead.

Tara blinked when she finally arrived at the meeting point. One of the sexiest women she had ever seen was holding a sign with her name. Her shaggy black hair hung loose, while her revealing vest left her taut midriff bare. The leather pants and stylish sunglasses finished the image.

Tara could see that her cousin recognized her, and gave her a broad grin.

"Tara, hi," she greeted. "I haven't seen you since you were twelve, but I can still pick you out of a crowd. It's the eyes, girl..."

"Hi, Shane," Tara smiled and embraced her cousin.

"Welcome to the shithole that is LA," Shane grinned. "Ready to go?"

"Uh, Shane?" Tara shuffled her feet. "I, uh. I want you to k-know that..."

"You're gay?" Shane rolled her eyes. "Sure took you long enough to figure that out. I already knew that when you were twelve."

"Oh."

"Ah, let me introduce you to the gang," Shane smirked. "You're gonna have so much sex this summer, Tara."

"Uh," Tara blushed. "I s-sorta have a girlfriend."

"Yeah? So? Just wait until we'll get your name up on The Chart."

---

Title - The fifth member of SG-1
Badfic class - Dubious Crossovers : Sudden Insertion.
U_O's comment - This kind of dubious crossover involves supplanting a character from one fandom into another without any form of explanation or background, often completely ignoring the character's history within his or her own fandom. For honestly's sake, I have to admit that these stories sometimes work, if given the right hook, but usually, they don't. :-) And what's the deal with hooking up Willow with Daniel Jackson? You wouldn't believe how many Willow/Daniel shippers are out in the wild.
Cross-over - BTVS/StarGate SG-1
Set in : StarGate Season 7

"So in short," Daniel Jackson said while pointing at the chart in the StarGate Command briefing room. "Osiris is first mentioned in the 4th Dynasty, though it is regarded as highly plausible that he may have evolved from the god Andjety. In the first mentions of Osiris, he was regarded the god of the underworld and the dead in the Ennead version of Egyptian mythology, in which he was one of the four children of the earth and the sky, and was the husband of Isis, who represented life."

"Exactly," said Willow. "Every Khu, an aspect of the soul, seeking admission to Aaru, the Egyptian paradise, was referred to as an Osiris. As god of the dead, Babi, the god who devoured unworthy souls, was described as his first-born son."

After suppressing a yawn, Jack O'Neill raised his hand.

"Yes, Jack?" Willow asked.

"Um, just exactly who are you and how did you get in here?" Jack asked Willow with a frown.

"Uhm," Daniel broke in. "This is Willow, Jack. She's here as a civilian advisor to SG-1?"

"Oh," Jack blinked.

"Didn't you get the memo?" Samantha Carter asked.

"Right, memo, right... never read the darned things," Jack shook his head. "Please continue this oh, so, interesting lecture," he yawned.

Daniel sighed. "Right, Jack, so as my fiancee was saying..."

Again, Jack raised his hand.

"Yes, Jack?"

"Fiancee?" Jack asked. "Was there a memo about this too?"

"This is very sudden, DanielJackson," Teal'c announced.

"I thought I mentioned it before," Daniel replied. "Didn't I?"

"Right!" Jack stood up and walked to the intercom. "Something very strange is going on here. Nurse Maclay, please come up to the wardroom."

"JACK!" Daniel fumed.

"W-what?" Willow whimpered. "Nothing is wrong with me!"

A few moments later, nurse Maclay arrived at the floor. "Don't worry, miss Rosenberg," said nurse Maclay as she took Willow by the hand. "We're going to take very good care of you."

"Oh," Willow blushed. "Okay..."

"Jack!" Daniel frowned.

Jack merely shrugged.

---

Title - Deep in Mourning.
Badfic class - Dubious Crossovers : The vastly inappropriate songfic.
U_O's comment - Songfics. Some love them, some hate them. Songfics can be very, very good and moving... but sometimes you just have to wonder if a writer even understands what the song is about, or if he or she has any idea what the very story they're writing is about. Here follows a, rather extreme, example.
Cross-over : BTVS/Ren & Stimpy
Set in : Season 6-7

"I just can't believe she's gone, Buffy," Willow wept silently, being rocked by her friend. "My Tara. My everything... And then... Oh, god, I'm so sorry, Buffy. I'm so sorry about what I was about to do."

Buffy silently rocked her weeping friend. "It's okay, Will. We'll get through this. I'm just happy to have you back."

Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!

"That's just it, Buffy," Willow sniffed. "I don't think I'll ever be the same again. The things I did... In Tara's name, no less. Oh, god, I hate myself so much, Buff..."

I don't think you're happy enough! That's right! I'll teach you to be happy! I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs! Now, boys and girls, let's try it again!

Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!

"Tara and me," Willow cried. "We were... were so good together. And I messed it all up. It's my fault she's dead. And then I dishonored her memory by killing in her name. I'm... I'm nothing, Buffy. A big fat nothing."

"That's not true Wills, and you know it," Buffy whispered.

If'n you aint the grandaddy of all liars! The little critters of nature... They don't know that they're ugly! That's very funny, a fly marrying a bumblebee!

"To think that... poor Tara was killed by a bullet. Just a tiny piece of lead and... Then she was gone."

I told you I'd shoot! But you didn't believe me! Why didn't you believe me?!

"Hey, guys, what's up?" Tara asked when she strolled in, much to the surprise of Buffy and Willow. Tara, in the meantime, headed to the fridge for a snack.

"Tara?" Willow cried. "Is that you? But... how? You were dead."

Tara shrugged. "I got better."

While Tara vigorously hugged and kissed her believed Tara, Buffy scratched her head. "Uh, how? You got shot through the heart."

"I had worse," Tara shrugged. "Southern women are rugged."

"I'm so happy, Tara," Willow cried, tears of joy this time.

Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!

(http://www.bitstorm.org/happyjoy/)

----

Title - Everybody loves Jesus!
Badfic class - Dubious Crossovers : The religious conversion.
U_O's comment - My personal most hated... and no fandom is safe from this kind of crap. Basically, it involves a religious intervention for a fandom character, which always ends with a conversion to Christianity and a vow to abstain from their previous 'wicked' ways. I can't stand these stories pure, they have to be sporked or I'll get miffed. Most of the stories of this kind that I've read (sporked), are not nearly as tongue in cheek as mine. Examples are Harry Potter crashing his broom and getting found by a christian who teaches him that magic is evil... so, at the end of the story, Harry rejects magic and starts living in service of the Lord. (not kidding here.) One of the most horrible stories is actually a mix of Religious Conversion and Mary Sue: in this story, a girl fan helps Orlando Bloom get through his struggles with Leukemia, with her love and her love of Jesus. And, they give the most interesting argument against Evolution I've ever heard : "Like, you can't be descended from monkeys, Orly. You're too hot to have come from a bunch of apes!". The mind boggles... Anyway, here is the parody... in tract form, obviously. (Serious, those Chick tracts are some of the most bullshitty things I've ever seen.)
Cross-over : BTVS/The Bible guest-starring Jack Chick as Himself.
Set in : Season 5

Tara: I love you, Willow. *hugs on the park bench*

Willow: I love you too, Tara. *hugs back*

Jack Chick: *jumps from after a bush* HOLD, PURVEYORS OF EEEVVVVVILLLLLLL!

Tara & Willow : AAAAH!

Jack Chick: Wicked Girls! You are damning your eternal souls! Whenever you are touching each other's breasts, you are touching SATAN HIMSELF!

Willow : *slyly* Satan feels pretty good, actually

Jack Chick: Evil slut! Whore of Babylon! The Lord weeps as he sees you. *shiny cross halo's form around his head*

Tara : *sniffs* He's right. Lesbians are evil.

Willow : I don't wanna be evil.

Tara : Hey, I know! Let's convert to Christianity! Right here on the spot!

Willow : What a good idea!

Tara & Willow : YYYAAAAYYYY!

Jack Chick : Ah, your souls are saved through the love of the Lord, for he hates people who have unnatural relations.

Tara : What about you and that donkey, then?

Jack Chick : Uh... I do the Lord's work, so I get special dispensation.

Willow : I love Jesus, and I am now a Christian for no apparent reason, even though I've been Jewish and Wiccan all my life. I'm so sorry my people killed Jesus, Jack.

Jack Chick : Thou shallt be judged in the afterlife.

Tara : Hey, wanna go home and read Jack Chick tracts?

Willow : YAAAAAYYY!

Tara : Want me to give you a backrub while you read?

Willow : Oh, hell, yeah... Hmm, want me to nibble on your earlobe?

Tara : Hm... We have to get home really quickly now, or I'll start nibbling you right here and now, sweetie. Bye Jack!

Jack Chick : Ah, two more souls SAVED! Praise the Lord! Praise Jesus! Praise ME!

---

Title - Sex and the single Sue.
Badfic class - Dubious Crossovers : The dreaded Mary Sue.
U_O's comment - Mary Sues... God they're annoying, aren't they? Oh, I like original characters, and even when writing established characters it impossible to avoid self-insertions completely... but that doesn't mean that every self-insertion is automatically a Sue, far from it. I'm talking about the blatant Sue-ism, you know, the kind of character that comes out of nowhere, can do everything, upstages everybody, makes everybody fall in love with her, is one half catgirl one half witch one half demon one half vampire and one half Slayer. That kind of self-insertion. Some say we all go through a Sueism phase when we start writing, and I for one can't read my earliest work without cringing... It's a phase we all go through, but most of us actually get better at writing and outgrow it... Sadly, some writers do not.
Cross-over : BTVS/Sue
Set in : Season 5

"Hey!" said Sue as she stepped into Sunnydale U. "I'm here! LOVVVVEEE MEEEE!"

Immediately, scores of boys and some girls stormed towards her, and begged for her affections and love, but she spurned them all. And, while she nonchalantly stated a vampire, she saw Willow and Tara sitting at the fountain, holding hands. An evil smirk crossed her smooth and perfect features.

"Ahum," she said, batting her pink eyelashes.

"WOW!" Willow jumped up, pushing Tara into the fountain. "I'm completely in love with you! Marry me!"

"NO!" said a dripping wet Tara. "I am in love with Sue! I am going to marry her!"

And so the hair-pulling contest began.

"Bitch!" Willow snarled.

"Moron!" Tara retored.

"Aww, fighting over little old me? You shouldn't! Okay, winner gets my heart."

"I wanna have sex with her!"

"No, I wanna have sex with her!"

"Witch!" Willow shouted while assaulting Tara with a stick.

"Dork!" retorted Tara while brandishing a long nail.

Sue blew on her pink nails while Tara and Willow were fighting to the death over her affections. Oh, how she loved being perfect and...

Willow hit Tara's hand with the stick, launching the nail she was holding towards Sue. Sue blinked in surprise when the nail buried itself into her skull. She staggered and then fell into the fountain face first, dead as a doornail (pun intended).

"Whoa," Willow blinked. "It think the spell is broken, baby."

"I'm sorry I hit you, sweetie," Tara took Willow's hand. "I love you."

"I love you too," Willow hugged Tara and kicked Sue's corpse for good measure.

---

Title - Death of a Showman
Badfic class - Dubious Crossovers : Otherwise good, but scenario ripped off from source material.
U_O's comment - Every once and a while, you come across a crossover and you think to yourself 'Hey, I've seen that before. Wasn't that in the game/movie/book/show before?'. Usually, it's because it was. I have to admit that his story is somewhat less tongue-in-cheek, mostly because I love the 47 character, the games and I hate Warren Mears. But you get the picture.
Cross-over - BTVS/Hitman, guest starring 47.
Set in : Season 6, after Seeing Red.
Excerpt:

The darkened room Willow as sitting in was much like her darkened soul. Two days ago, Tara had been taken from her, not by a demon, not by magic, but because of a simple stray bullet. Two days ago, Willow had almost lost it. She wanted to absorb all the magic in the magic box, to find Warren Mears and kill him in the most horrible way she could imagine... but she just couldn't. It was magic that had gotten her into this mess in the first place. So she leaned back at her desk, feeling the tears sting in her eyes when she saw Tara's picture on the wall... so beautiful that smile was, so full of love those eyes were.

"Wills?" Willow heard Buffy's voice from the door-opening. "You have to get some sleep. Staring at those pictures... it won't bring her back, Will," Buffy choked.

"Go away," Willow whispered. Buffy decided to leave Willow alone after that.

Contrary to what Buffy believed, Willow had been very busy. Instead of taking revenge, she'd been gathering spell-components for a more constructive method: a resurrection spell. A problem was, though, that she needed several bodyparts of Tara's killer. But she had the solution: for days on end, she had hacked into banking accounts and finally, by shrewdly shuffling money around, she accumulated the 500.000 dollars she needed for his standard fee. With a trembling hand, she picked up the phone and dialed.

"Hello?" she whispered. "Is this the Agency? I'd... like to place an order."

---

Warren Mears ran through the woods, headed towards his car. How dare she? How dare she hire an assassin to get to him?

Not just any assassin, but 47... the bald killer clone. He'd thought he was just an urban legend, but there he was, in his living room. He could still see the imposing man with the dour expression, in his black suit, red tie and leather gloves... not to mention the shiny head. He made an impressive assassin, and Warren could see why he'd be considered the best assassin the world had ever seen.

My client wishes you to look at this photograph, 47 had told him in a monotone, impassionate voice. My client has instructed me to make certain it is the last thing that you ever see.

At that point, Warren just ran out the door. Maybe 47 was a robot, only doing what his master instructed him, he didn't know. But he knew that if he never looked at the picture, he would be safe. And as long as he was safe, he could get even with Willow. Already he had wonderful things in store for her, to send her to her dead girlfriend very, very soon.

Finally, Warren reached his car and quickly got inside, slipping the key into the ignition. He was safe and adjusted the rear view mirror.

Then, terror struck him. Tara's loving blue eyes bore into his skull, for her photograph had been cellotaped to the rear view mirror. He heard something stir behind him, and a wet spot in his trousers fast increased in size.

He never saw the glint of 47's gun, nor the shine of his head. He did, however, briefly heard the pop of 47's customized silenced Silverballer before Warren Mears' thoughts of revenge were nothing more than mere sprays of blood on the windshield.

---

Willow felt the mixed feeling of joy and sadness. Joy because she was holding her Tara alive and well, after the successful resurrection spell. They were together, and happy... and Willow had decided to curb the magic for once and for all.

But she also felt sadness, for what she had to do to get her Tara back. 47 had been true to his word. He had delivered the required... parts and even returned the photograph. Still, Warren had to die for Tara to live... but when Willow regarded the sleeping Tara in her arms, she thought it was worth it, damned if she may be.

[hr]

Well, these are the badfic parodies. I hope you liked them. The last one was a bit more of a serious tone, but, well, call it a guilty pleasure.

Edit : Minor alterations

_________________
Max : Do you mind if I drive?
Sam : Not if you mind me clawing at the dashboard and shrieking like a cheerleader.

Your badfic parodies are so spot on. I shed tears of laughter.

That was fun UO



I didn't know all the original shows but it made no difference, it was still a giggle to read.
thanks
Anne

_________________
Spells for Two

Every path has its puddle. Old English Saying... I think I just stepped in mine...

"Southern women are rugged."

"HOLD, PURVEYORS OF EEEVVVVVILLLLLLL! "

"Willow : *slyly* Satan feels pretty good, actually"


LMAO.

and i like the song fic. lol. how appropriate.


*ahem*
(now brace yourself for feedback)


i don't think it's a parody enough. there is the...attempt, but take it more to the extreme and it'll be funnier and more obvious it's a parody? that could be due to how good a writer you are 'cause the short stories don't have that 'OMG this is...my eyes! my eyes!' (godawful) quality. also extend the stories? it seems your comments are almost longer than the fics themselves ;P i for one would love to read more.

_________________
Willow: [pouty] Everyone's getting spanked but me.

"The I in Team"

Well, you know what they say about Foxhunting...The unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable

I for one am vehemently opposed to any sort of hunting...but I won't get into details lest I post so much that it crashes the site

Aww. the first story "Foxhunt" was very cute and adorable. My best friend (gay male) is totally in love with the Disney movie and made me watch that one a couple of times with him, though I have to say I like this version better .

And oh God, the excerpt from the crossover with the L-Word was so funny!

"Yeah? So? Just wait until we'll get your name up on The Chart."

Hehe. See, I don't necessarily think that that one would make a bad fic, seeing as I am genuinely interested in reading more of Tara's silly 'sexy' adventures in L.A., with Shane and the gang being her guide, hihi. And as long as you'll get Willow in the mix too and it's gonna be comedy and no drama, I'm all for it. Oh and the sex, let's not forget the sex!

Devi Chrystalseeker - Glad to have made you laugh. Thanks.

Anne - Glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, I including wikipedia links to the more obscure material I've used. I assumed everybody knew Ren & Stimpy, for example, which might be wrong on my part.

inlerf - The Jack Chick parody was the most fun to write, after the Hitman crossover that is.

I know it could be extremer and I've definitely written much more extreme fanfic parodies, but this is a community I've joined relatively recently, and with a different audience, so that's why I was more careful this time around and kept it more on light-hearted side (with special endings built in to adhere to the board rules). If it's well-received, which I think it was, I'll save the ass-babies, impromptu mpregs (willow getting Xander pregnant... don't ask), odd pairings (Tara/Dawn), horrible incestuous pairings (Buffy/Dawn), eye-exploding pairings (Olaf/Dawn), and just plain wrong pairings (Dawn/Dawn... And yes, that story does exist somewhere on the net) for a later time. It was meant to test the waters, so to speak.

And yes, it is damn hard to write proper badfic, especially the grammar errors and failing sentence structure, when you've got some more writing experience under your belt. Thanks for the compliment, though.

umgaynow - Oh, I completely agree. There's something extremely childush, wasteful and just plain stupid about a bunch of guys in stupid red coats, who need guns, horses and loads of hounds to hunt down one fox, and then claim it's to preserve the countryside which they trample underneath their hooves.

It doesn't really impress me for that reason. Try hunting a Great White Shark with just a snorkel and an exacto-knife: THEN I'll be very impressed, lads.

Rocktoddy - Glad you liked Foxhunt! A sequel is on the way.



Yeah, that L-word crossover might be a bad example. The point is that Shane and Tara could never be related by any logical means, but that doesn't mean the crossover wouldn't be a fun read. Also, I bet the L-word is pretty damn popular on this board as well. Oh, well, a big part of humor is recognizability, I suppose. I agree it would be fun to read as a comedy, but I don't think I'll be writing it. I'm too unfamliar and the Kittens are too familiar with the L-word for me to pull it off successfully. Feel free to write it yourself if you like, though.

_________________
Max : Do you mind if I drive?
Sam : Not if you mind me clawing at the dashboard and shrieking like a cheerleader.

You know, for once, I would just like to write a short story that doesn't evolve into a sequel. New Reaper is also in the works, btw. Should be ready the end of the week, I hope

Title - Foxhunt 2 : Wascally Wabbit

Author name - Useful_Oxymoron

Email Address - Viernadevir@hotmail.com

Rating - PG-13. Some angsty stuff

Disclaimer - Well, I don't own Willow or Tara. And if I did, I'd set them free.

Feedback- Is cool. It's always nice to know somebody liked the crap I write.

Summary- Tara's enjoying her new life with Spike and Dru, but a nasty rabbit might put a wrench in the machinery.

Notes- This story was written after seeing this picture :

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/e ... rabbit.jpg

[hr]
Tara yawned and slowly rose from her spot in the stables. She stretched for a moment, below slowly sauntering out of her doghouse and shaking off the straw that clung to her body.

She was literally living a dog's life. Being a pet and a guard-dog was a quiet, yet rewarding career. Usually, Tara spent her time in the large backyard, running, sleeping, eating and playing with her ball and ropes. The door to the house was always open when her masters were at home, so she could go into the large house which also doubled as Drusilla's veterinary practise. The best days were when Drusilla was watching a romantic movie. Tara would curl up on the couch next to her and receive precious petting... Though the times Spike watched a football match were also quite rewarding: she'd lay next to his chair and be fed many nice salted crisps.

It was almost noon, so it was time for Tara to get up and patrol the yard, so she could protect her beloved masters from any intruders looking to intrude.

Tara walked past Boxer, the elderly clydesdale enjoying his well-earned retirement. The old horse with whom she shared the stables greeted her in a gentlemanly way. Tara returned the greeting, thinking that if Boxer were a human, he'd make fine kindly nobility.

The hound quickly make her way across the lawn to the fence at the front of the house. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously as she scanned the road for any possible intruders. Finding no wrong scents in the air, she relaxed somewhat. Until...

Tara barked loudly when a shifty looking hedgehog passed by the fence.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," muttered the unwelcome drifted. "Shuddup already, dogmeat."

"And stay out, ya freeloader!" Tara growled for good measure. With pride in her accomplishment, Tara continued her patrol, taking solace in the fact that at least one intruder wouldn't mess up her mistress' flowerbeds today. She moved along the back of the house to the other side, to patrol the fence there as well.

Already, Tara found it hard to control the wagging of her tail when she picked up a familiar scent on the wind. The sound of metal on stone was telltale, so after quickly checking out the fence, Tara headed back to the place where her masters kept the garbage cans. And sure enough, one of the cans lay on it's side, while only Willow's hindquarters and bushy tail could be seen from the outside.

Moments later, the tiny fox dragged out a styrofoam holder containing the remainder of Spike's Chicken-Rice-and-Curry.

"Hi, Tara," Willow greeted cheerfully, her nose already buried in the rice-and-curry. "FOOD!"

"Um, I can see that," Tara looked on bemused as Willow picked the pieces of left-over chicken from the rice. After Willow licked the rice off her muzzle, the tiny fox trotted over to Tara to rub her nose against that of the hound.

"I'm never going back to the forest, Tara," Willow grinned happily. "You won't believe how much good food the humans just throw away. Why doesn't Spike eat all of this? It's so good."

"I don't know," Tara shrugged. "But he'll yell again when he finds the trashcan overturned."

"At least it overturned this time," Willow shook her head so that her ears flapped against her skull. She remembered the last time she had tried to jump into the trashcan to overturn it. Whatever she tried, it didn't budge and she was trapped until Tara had bumped against the trashcan several times to flip it on its side.

"I'll put the packet back in the can later. Want some of this food?" Willow asked.

Tara frowned. "No, thanks. I've heard that stuff is bad for dogs. Besides, I have my own feeding-dish."

"Yeah," Willow rolled her eyes. "Salted tripe and hogfat. Yay, that's a meal. Come on, Tare, this is the stuff the humans keep for themselves. The good stuff!" Willow used her nose to push a bit of chicken into Tara's direction.

"Uhm, I don't know," Tara frowned. "Isn't that kinda like stealing?"

"Hey, if they wanted it, they would have eaten it," Willow shrugged. "We still want it, so I guess it's ours now."

"I suppose," Tara carefully took a nibble and chewed the chicken.

"You like?"

"I like," Tara admitted, trying a bit more of the curry... until she felt as if her tongue was on fire.

"It's an acquired taste," Willow shrugged. The two animals finished their meal and decided to play around in the yard for a bit. They found a piece of rope and started pulling against each other. Through the slight fox had a significant disadvantage against the larger and heavier hound, Tara found that 'throwing the match' at some occasions increased Willow's confidence. After some playing with Tara's ball, the two animals decided to lay down in the warm grass.

"I wish I was human," Willow said suddenly. "Humans never go hungry and they have wonderful food all the time. And they can change their fur whenever they like it, and make it different colors too. And they have those fast wheel-beasts that bring them everywhere."

"Humans have other problems," Tara said. "Spike and Drusilla have been trying to have a litter for years, but there's something wrong with Dru so they can't. I've heard them talking about it and it sometimes makes her really sad."

"She can't have a litter?" Willow frowned. "Why not?"

"I don't know," Tara replied. "Maybe it's a human thing... Boxer says that's why Drusilla likes us animals so much, but I don't know why he says that."

"Hey," Willow suggested. "Wanna roll around in the grass?"

"Sure," Tara said, and soon enough, both hound and fox where giggling as they rolled and scratched their backs. It all went fine, until the heavier Tara collided with the rabbit-hutch. Soon after that, Willow was startled by Tara's high-pitched whine.

---

The rabbit-hutch was a low-built, angular structure, lain over a part of the lawn. It was large and covered with metal chicken-wire and inside, sat a very frightened rabbit with droopy ears, watching the fox Willow slowly circling the hutch.

"So," the fox said menacingly. "Warren."

"Y-yes?" the rabbit gulped. "That's me... You can't get in here, you know? Full-proof security and all that," he said, hiding behind his waterbottle.

"Oh, yes," Willow grinned. "Your cage... your prison... your doom."

Warren continued to observe the circling fox, trembling slightly. "Y-you won't get in here, fellah! Stupid fox."

"You look... tasty."

"Hah!" Warren challenged. "You're a deformed urbanite pustule of a fox, b-baby. You don't steal chickens, you get your food from the trash!"

"Oh, I don't steal chickens," Willow said menacingly. "But there's always room for a nice... fat... juicy... rabbit... Hm, I can almost taste your soft... supple... rabbit-y flesh right now."

Warren panicked when he saw Willow taking hold of the chain securing his hutch and yanked on it hard. The hutch groaned as it started to buckle under Willow's surprising strength, threatening to pull out the side.

"Stop!" Warren squealed. "Stop, you'll pull out the side... Uh, I mean, you'll never get in here, hah-hah."

Just as quickly as she started to pull, Willow dropped the chain. "There's something I'm puzzled about. Does Tara's ear look like a carrot to you? It certainly doesn't look like a carrot to me, Bugs. And yet you bit down on it. You hurt Tara's poor ear badly. She's in pain because of you."

"Hey, Tara knew what she was getting into," Warren challenged. "If she didn't want her ear bit, she should have looked where she was rolling."

"Bored now... Sleep lightly, rabbit. Sleep lightly," she said quickly, staring the rabbit down until she sauntered off towards the barn, remembering what had happened only yesterday.

Tara howled in pain and beat at her severely bleeding ear with her paw, while Willow was still in shock. During her playful rolling, Tara had collided with the rabbit-hutch, causing a bit of her ear to poke through the chicken-wire. Warren had bit down without hesitation, causing Tara to yelp and pull out her ear quickly. Unfortunately, the sensitive flesh of her floppy ear was caught behind a protruding piece of metal from the chicken-wire, which ended up tearing a deep, painful wound.

Fortunately, Willow could hear Spike and Drusilla's car pull up into the driveway. Immediately, Willow ran to the fence, crawled through it and ran to the car, frantically scratching her nails against the front door of the car to draw attention to herself.

"OY!" shouted Spike as he opened the door. "That bloody fox!"

"Spike, look," Drusilla said, while Willow lay her front legs on the chair and moved towards the fence, frantically looking back and forth between Drusilla and the fence. "I think she's trying to tell us something."

"Don't tell me Timmy fell down the sodding well again," Spike groaned. "This time, we'll leave that dimwit down there. Or better yet, we will that damn thing with concrete while that fat ponce's still in it."

It was then that Tara let out another anguished howl. Drusilla rushed up to Tara and she and Spike carried her into the practise. Willow waited outside when Tara was put under narcosis and Drusilla carefully cleaned and stitched the wound.

And there Tara lay, in the stables looking miserable with twelve stitches in her ear and a plastic cone attached to her collar. Willow greeted Boxer before moving up to Tara, who was ineffectually trying to scratch her ear with her hind-leg, only to be foiled by the plastic cone.

"Hey," Willow greeted and rubbed her nose against Tara's.

"Hey," Tara greeted warmly. "I'm glad you're here."

"Does it still hurt?"

"Not so much," Tara replied. "But it itches... oh, man, it itches! I know I shouldn't scratch, but I can't help myself... and this stupid cone makes me bump into everything..."

"I put the frighteners on that stupid rabbit," Willow said smugly. "He's never gonna do something bad to you ever again. And if it does, I said I'd eat him."

"Please don't!" Tara stressed. "If you do, Spike and Dru'll never let me see you again and... I don't think I can handle that."

"Hey, don't worry. Of course, I won't eat him," Willow smirked. "But Warren doesn't know that."

"I'm glad," Tara laid her head down and whined softly. "Oh, it itches!"

"Don't think about it," Willow said as she laid down and pressed against Tara's side. She yawned when she pressed her muzzle against the nape of Tara's collar.

"I'm happy you're here."

"I won't run off until you're better," Willow replied. "I'll stay here with you until your ear is better."

Tara hesitated. "You know," she started, "you don't have to go when I'm better." Tara knew that Willow always came back to her, but, being the urban fox she was, she often hit the town looking for food and sometimes didn't show herself for days. Tara was often worried something had happened to Willow, or that she had been caught by hunters again, until Willow turned up safe and sound to raid Drusilla's trashcan and sleep in the barn, curled up against Tara.

"Nice warm barn, nice good food," Willow yawned. "Nice warm Tara to curl up against... I think I'll stay a bit longer this time."

"I'm glad," Tara winched as she felt the itch overtake her again. But now that Willow was with her, things just didn't seem that bad at all.
[hr]

_________________
Max : Do you mind if I drive?
Sam : Not if you mind me clawing at the dashboard and shrieking like a cheerleader.

Hehehe. So funny. V. precious. Yay you!

UO,
This was brilliant!
It was like if George Orwell had written "Animal Farm" with a message that really mattered.
That being, that if you are a cowardly cutlet of a rabbit who maliciously savages any of Tara's 2000 body parts, your punishment will be swift, severe, and mercilessly delivered by a fox named Willow.
And isn't it about time little Timmy learned not to keep falling down the bloody well?
He's gonna cry 'well' once too often and they really will fill it in with cement.
The imagery of Willow licking and scratching Tara's itchy wound is particularly redolent of the rural countryside and bears all of the hallmarks of a Norman Rockwell painting.

_________________
I can deny chicks in chainmail nothing.
Amberhol-from the land of sky blue waters.
No Mere Music Hall, This my novel available directly from rosestindog@gmail.com.

Wow, Warren cant even be manished as a rabbit. I like how Willow spooked him though. It was funny. I liked it.
Akyire

_________________
" God, Alice, when are you gonna make up your mind between dick and pussy. And spare us the gory bisexual details."
- Dana (L Word)

Hee, Foxy Willow continues to delight. I like how she's still an urban fox at heart, with the rummaging in dustbins and so on, but slowly her love for Tara is overcoming her instinctive behaviour and 'domesticating' her. Poor Tara with the itchy ear and head-lampshade. Willow's vengeful threats were a hoot, as was Rabbit Warren's (oops, bad pun) paper-thin bravado.

And again, it's a story with real heart, not just animal-themed laughs. The opening, with Tara's domestic routine, was heartwarming, and her recounting of Dru and Spike's sadness at not being able to have a litter was touching, and added a lot of depth to the two humans. Though the use of the word 'litter' made me think of Dru and Spike producing a bunch of little puppies with long brunette hair with bleached patches, crazy dreamy stares, and little puppy-sized cigarettes sticking out of their mouths. It was very odd.

_________________
Chris Cook

Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

highlandlass - Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Taralicious - I thought Animal Farm did have a message that mattered. I think... It did, didn't it? I fully agree on the Willow-vengeance part. Hurt the hound and you have to deal with the fox. Norman Rockwell painting. The girls would be proud. Thank you.

Willowbaby - LOL! Warren sucks in any incarnation. Glad you liked it.

Chris - Yeah, our wily little fox is getting used to domesticated life. She'd like it if Tara'd go with her from dustbin to dustbin, but she certainly doesn't mind returning to the house very often. Warren is a loser in every incarnation.

I usually like to put in bits like Dru and Spike's problems with having children in the stories. I find it gives them more depth and complements the humor in the stories quite well... Heh, blimey, those puppies... that's a cute mental image, really.

_________________
Max : Do you mind if I drive?
Sam : Not if you mind me clawing at the dashboard and shrieking like a cheerleader.

Hey, everybody. Excuse my absence from the Kitten. Though I'm still working on Viva Las Vegas and Don't fear the Reaper, I'll be going on holidays soon and because I have to prepare this year's PnP game (very time-consuming, but fun), so I don't have much time to write stories, and there might not be any updates for the rest of the month. But whatever happens, I'll be back full blast after my vacation. In the meantime, here's a silly vignette.

Title - Snake on a plane.

Author name - Useful_Oxymoron

Email Address - Viernadevir@hotmail.com

Rating - PG

Disclaimer - Well, I don't own Willow or Tara. If I did, I'd set them free.

Feedback- Is cool. It's always nice to know somebody liked the crap I write.

Summary- Two witches. A plane. A snake. Silly-ness. It's set between S4 and S5. Oh, and Dawn exists.

Notes- Influences for this story: the trailer for what looks to be a really dumb movie.

Italics are thoughts.


[hr]
'Ah, bliss', Willow thought to herself when she was seated next to Tara in the plane on the way home. While her girlfriend was looking out of the window, trying to see if she could spot Sunnydale in the distance, Willow reflected on their trip. It was so nice to spend a weekend away, just together, the two of them. After all the business with Adam and the nasty dreamscape killings by the first Slayer, a long weekend away was quite a treat... three days without having to worry about demons, apocalypsi, vampires, Dawn or running into Spike when you're groggily going down the stairs to get a midnight snack.

The only downside is that they didn't have much budget... so they had to settle for a very, very cheap flight. In fact, both Willow and Tara had been crammed into the very back of the plane in the pre-economy class. Any cheaper and they'd be in the baggage compartment... or down in the landing gear section.

But, at least, they were together, close together. So it suited Willow fine.

"Hey, baby, want me to get you another drink?" Willow smirked. "Looks like the flight attendants have declared this part of the plane a no-go area."

"Sure, sweetie," Tara smiled. "Just some water, please."

Just as Willow moved to get off her seat, she plopped back down again, stiff as a board.

"Tara," Willow whispered fearfully. "Tara, don't look."

"Look? Where?" Tara frowned and tried to see past Willow.

"Don't!" Willow whispered harshly this time.

"Sweetie," Tara said, taking Willow's hand and rubbing it gently. "What's the matter?"

"There's a snake!"

Tara blinked. "W-what?"

"There's a snake in the aisle, back there, near the toilets!"

Tara shot Willow her patented 'I love you to death, sweetie, but pull the other one'-halfsmile. Willow, however, responded with her 'I'm dead serious, baby, what, don't you believe me? Why won't you believe me? I'd believe you when you'd say there's a snake in the aisle'-pout.

Tara glanced over the edge of her seat. And sure enough, there in the middle of the isle, just a few feet from the toilets, a snake lay coiled on the floor. It looked peaceful enough, but sorely out of place.

"That's a s-s-snake, a-alright," Tara stammered.

"What are we gonna do?!" Willow replied. "Where'd it come from? You think it's a demonic snake? Or a magical snake? Yeah, it might be sent here by one of Buffy's enemies to hurt her by striking at us. Who could it be? Spike! I bet it's Spike. Sure, he's all chipped in the brain, but he could still go all 'ooh, I'll get those witches with my evilly magic snake'."

"Or," Tara added. "He might have escaped from the luggage-hold and crawled through that big hole in the bulkhead we saw next to the toilets."

"Yeah, that too. We gotta warn everybody," Willow stood up. "Hey, people!" she shouted. "Don't panic, but there's a snake on the plane! It's loose and in the aisle."

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"SIT DOWN, YA DUMB BROAD!"

"SNAKES ON A PLANE? SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY DUMB PLOT FOR A MOVIE!"

"HEY, BABY, I'VE GOT A SNAKE HERE IN MY PANTS JUST FOR YOU."

"WHOEVER HEARD O'SNAKES ON A MUTHAFUCKIN' PLANE."

Willow grimaced dourly, blushed and quickly sat down again. "Figured we'd end up on a plane with a bunch of New Yorkers. Hey, was that late one Samuel L. Jackson?"

Tara couldn't help but giggle slightly. But only for a moment. "Is that snake still there?"

Willow looked. "Large as life. We should do something about it. I mean, we fight monster and vampires all the time, how hard can catching a snake be?"

"I s-suppose," Tara replied. "S-someone has to help these people, even if they don't want to be h-helped."

Willow and Tara shifted out of their seats and moved in front of the snake, keeping a reasonable distance. The snake looked up in surprise and let his forked tongue taste the air for a bit before resuming his coiled state.

"Hm," Willow rubbed her chin. "How did Steve Irwin always do this?"

"I think he got b-bitten multiple times and needed to go to the hospital for emergency detox," Tara replied.

"I think... we need to distract the snake and one of us has to grab it behind the head to it can't bite us," Willow suggested. "Hm, I'll do a 'pretty lights'-spell to distract it, you grab it from behind."

"Uhm... noooo," Tara bit her lip. "D-d-do you r-really think that's a g-good idea?"

"Baby, I know for a fact that you have very nimble fingers. Much more nimbly than mine," Willow tried.

"Oh?... Oooohh," Tara blushed when she understood Willow's impromptu double-entendre. "What do I do with it when I have hold of it?"

Willow looked around. "We could flush it down the toilet? No, that's cruel... Uhm, how about we put it under that serving tray and duct-tape it to the table?"

Tara nodded. Willow cast her spell, causing many glittery lights to appear, clearly dazzling the snake while Tara tried to sneak around and eventually behind it.

The snake, however, caught on and rose from the coil, hissing angrily at Tara and laying flat its neck, which not only seemed very imposing, but also revealed the snake's species as being a cobra.

"I'm not touching that," Tara backed off.

"You're not touching that," Willow said at the same time and ended her spell. Unfortunately, the two lovers were now apart. Though Willow could get back to her seat, Tara was now trapped between the toilet, the snake and a smelly dustbin.

"W-what do we do now?" Tara asked.

Willow crumpled her nose, thinking. "Hmmm... how about charming the snake? You know, snakes are actually deaf, so a flute is meaningless. When you see a snake-charmer, the snake isn't listening to the music, but follows the movements of the charmer. Maybe we could do something like that."

"Can't we just wait for a flight attendant?"

"We've been on this flight for two hours, the only flight attendant we saw laughed in our faces when she saw we had tickets for the cheapest seats," Willow narrowed her eyes at the thought of the snooty stewardess.

"Uhm," Tara thought for a moment. "I have a spell that might work. Throw me that kazoo, sweetie."

Willow went to their hand luggage and took out the souvenir jackalope-shaped kazoo they had bought for Dawnie. She carefully threw it over the snake and Tara deftly caught it. Tara pressed the kazoo to her heart and played softly. Immediately the snake started to rise from the coil... and rise... and rise... and rise until it was on the very tip of its tail. Surprising to everyone, especially the snake, it started to levitate, coiling up again in mid-air. Tara started and stopped playing, but the snake never stopped levitating.

"It's a flying snake!" Willow called out. "A flying snake on a plane!"

"WELL, OF COURSE IT'S FLYING! IT'S ON A PLANE, YOU DUMB BROAD!"

---

"I can't believe the FAA fined us 5000 dollars," Willow said while she and Tara were safely on the ground, trying to hail a cab. "And they even made us take home that damn snake! It isn't even ours. That's what you get for trying to help those stupid poopy-heads," Willow grimaced as she felt the weight of the snake in the bag she was holding.

"W-well, nobody came forward," Tara tried.

"No, because they didn't want to pay the fine," Willow said while she put the snake-in-a-bag to rest on her suitcase.

"You didn't pay the fine. Not really. You paid with illusionary money," Tara half-smiled.

"Yeah, well, it's the principle of the thing," Willow crossed her arms. "Taxi!"

---

A few weeks had passed and Merlin... as the snake ended up being called, was lying peacefully underneath the not lamp inside his terrarium in Willow and Tara's dorm-room. The Scooby Gang had a bit of a naming contest. Xander's proposed name 'Cobra Commander' was overruled by Dawn's suggestion of 'Barbie', which was, in turn, overruled by Giles' proposed name 'Get rid of that bloody thing'. Eventually, it was Tara who came up with Merlin.

Willow tapped the glass slightly, while Tara was holding and petting miss Kitty. "Sweetie," Tara smiled. "You like Merlin more these days."

"Yeah, well," Willow replied. "He sorta grew on me. He's a like a dog... a really poisonous, elongated dog without any legs, maybe, but he's still like a dog. And..."

"What is it, sweetie?" Tara asked.

Willow looked around again. "I... I've looked everywhere and I can't find Amy. She's not in her box."

"Ah, Dawn probably took her to the park like she always does," Tara shrugged. "I'm sure Amy's okay."

And so Willow and Tara returned to their classes, never noticing the big lump in Merlin the Snake.
[hr]

_________________
Max : Do you mind if I drive?
Sam : Not if you mind me clawing at the dashboard and shrieking like a cheerleader.

UO,
For the record, I'm sure Animal Farm had a message that mattered, all I meant was that there wasn't any anthropomorphic Willow and Tara goodness to be had from the book.
As to the latest in your Willow and Tara's Wild Kingdom series, I saw the trailer for the movie which inspired this vignette and your version is by far a more creative visualization of that scenario.
Willow and Tara are left to take the moral high ground in saving a plane load of ungrateful New Yorkers from the cargo of snakes.
What we need are details of whether Willow and Tara joined the mile high club.

_________________
I can deny chicks in chainmail nothing.
Amberhol-from the land of sky blue waters.
No Mere Music Hall, This my novel available directly from rosestindog@gmail.com.