Title: Episode 7.1 - “Bobby”
Author: snippygal
Rating: PG-13 for inappropriate sex. And Giles says “asses”. That little rascal.
Spoilers: Joss Wheedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind.
Notes: So I did the tragedy thing. Now it’s time for comedy. At least, I think this is comedy. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced such a thing. It’s a spoof on Season 6 and all the ridiculous things that happened. Not a lot of Willow/Tara goodness, but thought we could use a good hearty laugh. Or at least a tiny chuckle? It’s written in a very simple fashion -- Eye asspyre two bee a Bufffy righter sumeday.
Episode 7.1 - “Bobby”
The bathroom had bad lighting. Kind of fluorescent. Buffy figured it was just as well.
“Bad lighting for a bad life,” she thought aloud as she stared at a new wrinkle in the mirror. She glanced at the rug next to the bathtub. Where it happened. She had trusted Spike. And why shouldn’t she have? He’d never given her any reason not to. She loved him. She just couldn’t tell him, otherwise she wouldn’t have him wrapped around her little finger anymore.
“I want to go back to heeeaaaven,” she thought as she fingered the bullet in her hand. “Nothing is right here. I used to slay vampires, but I haven’t even seen one in months. Spike tried to rape me and I didn’t even kick his ass. It’s just too hard here.”
Buffy loaded the last bullet into the gun, cocked it and placed the barrel in her mouth.
“Goodbye, cruel world,” she said.
Okay, so she didn’t really say it, otherwise it would come out all jumbled. So she just thought it.
Before she got the shot off, the door burst open. (CUE THE HERO MUSIC) and Xander stepped in, pudgy and awkward, his greasy hair taped to his forehead. His hands made a fist and they sat firmly on his hips. His jaw jutted out as he spoke.
“Buffy! Stop!” he exclaimed in a heroic bellow.
“Go away, Xander! This is none of your business!” (This was muffled, because, you know - gun.)
“I can’t let you do this. Remember your first day at Sunnydale? You dropped your stake and I gave it back to you. I love stake-dropping Buffy and I love bad-lighting-gun-in-your-mouth Buffy.”
“Oh Xander.”
Buffy actually said these words because she took the gun out of her mouth.
“These things,” he said, taking the gun from her hands, “never useful.”
Buffy wrapped her arms around Xander’s neck and they hugged and hugged.
“Hey, Buffy? Can we have sex now?”
“I don’t see why not. I’ve screwed everybody else in a soft pornographic way. Let’s do it right here in the bathroom!”
“K!”
And they had sex.
------------------------------
The next day, Dawn pretended to dust some books in the Magic Box, but really she was plotting her next heist. There was a little 99 cent candle she’d had her eye on for quite some time. Just as Anya stepped into the back room to count her money (because it’s funny when that’s all she does), Dawn figured this was her chance. Just as she cupped the little candle into her hand, the door burst open, the bell jingling away.
“Dawn! Stop!”
“Go away, Xander! If I steal stuff I’ll be more interesting!”
“I can’t let you do this. Remember when you didn’t really exist? I love ball-of-green-energy Dawn and I love steals-things-for-no-reason Dawn!”
“Oh, Xander!”
“Can we have sex now?”
“But Xander, I’m not even legal.”
“Neither am I if we’re going by brain development.”
“Okay.”
And they had sex.
-----------------------------
The next day, Willow sat in her room crying. She missed Tara - the love of her life. Her all. Her everything. She shifted through a box of her things. She picked up a band-aid she found under some of the clothes.
“Oh Tara. If only you were still attached to this band-aid ---”
Suddenly, the door burst open.
“Willow! Stop!”
“What? I’m not doing anything!”
“You’re mourning the loss of your one true love!”
“So?”
“Willow, remember when we were in Kindergarten --”
“Xander, you already did that speech.”
“Oh yeah. Well, skip right to the sex, then?”
“I can’t have sex with you. I’m gay.”
“I heard you were bi at best.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Great! And hey! Look what I found!”
In walked a girl who looked just like Tara. The same adorable half-cocked smile, the same golden hair and the same blue eyes.
“Tara?”
“No - Sara! She’s Tara’s identical twin sister. I just met her. She’s straight and loves only me, but she says she’ll do a threesome with us just this once.”
“Okay!”
“Hey everybody!”
In walked Spike with Buffy on his arm.
“I got me a soul now! How ‘bout on orgy?!”
Just as everyone was about to get completely naked ...
Buffy awoke with a shudder. She was lying on the ground among rubble. The sun was slowly rising. She opened her eyes and saw her friends all standing over her.
“Wha - what happened?”
“You sacrificed yourself to save the world!”
“And you lived!”
“Buffy, it was amazing!”
They all started talking at once.
“I had the craziest dream. You were all there and we were on UPN --”
Gasps all around.
“Can you hurry this along, luv? The sun’ll fry me soon.”
“Spike! You got your soul back!”
“What? I don’t have a soul. I’m soulless! Evil! Except that, you know, I love you. But in a very evil way!”
“No! In my dream! You got your soul back. And Anya was a vengeance demon again! And Tara! Tara! You’re alive!”
“Aren’t I usually?”
“Not in my dream. But before you died, you and Willow kissed a lot more and were naked in bed a lot.”
“Must be why she died ...” Willow muttered under her breath.
“Oh,” Tara blushed a shy smile at Willow, missing her comment, “well, we can’t do that kind of stuff here.” The two lovers held hands out of frame.
“No, I suppose not,” Buffy replied.
She scanned her brain for more details.
“Oh! Giles, you were gone most of the time in England and left us in charge of ourselves!”
“I certainly know better than to do that. The lot of you can barely wipe your own asses without me!”
“Xander, you kept saving the day!”
“Me? But I’m just funny guy. I say stupid things and people only laugh to get me to shut up.”
“I know. And Dawnie. Little Dawnie. You stole stuff.”
“Oh. Um ...” Dawn started, but was cut off.
“But now I’m home! Back on the WB and everything’s ---”
An interruption from the set.
“Uh, yeah, Buffy? I need to talk to you for a sec. We just signed a deal -- with PAX. I’m gonna be making some changes. What’s this you say about Xander being the big hero?”
Buffy frowned.
“Oh no. I wish Joss hadn’t have just said that.”
“Done!” Anya commanded, nodding her head.
Nothing.
The Scoobies all laughed and laughed until :
FREEZE FRAME
THE END
“If I liked girls I’d be a happy camper” - Amber Benson, coming around Edited by: snippygal at: 10/13/02 5:28:37 pm