GNOSIS
When Eve plucked the apple
Was she really giving in?
Or fighting back
Did the Devil really win?
Was it really such a sin?
Zeus punished humans for our independence
Breaking us apart
Tearing up our hearts
Did God do the same?
Was Eve simply no longer tame?
I say grab the apple
A persona piece:
I wanted so much to be loved
Wanted, just once, to feel cared for.
He was older, said I was pretty;
And child that I was, I believed him.
I wanted to believe the caresses meant more,
I let the strokes to my skin
Become strokes to my broken heart.
I let him kiss me, let him love me,
While I just held him.
I imagined he was my father, or brother, or uncle;
Imagined he would never leave me.
I let myself believe it meant more than sex,
Let myself believe if I let him do as he pleased,
He would take me away from the fighting,
And the hitting,
And the home that was no kind of shelter for a 9-year-old girl.
I pretended it was ME he wanted, not the body.
I was wrong.
As he entered into me,
He held me too tight,
And I didn’t like it anymore;
I could no longer pretend
That the pain meant he loved me.
I fought back, and somehow,
SOMEHOW,
I broke free.
I ran away, ran home, hid in my room.
I hid away for the next 6 years,
Hid till I turned 15 and moved away.
Hid from the world.
When I moved away, I hid in a new room.
I covered my body with long dark clothes.
I covered my soul with secrets and barriers,
So no one could hurt me ever again.
Kind of an odd poem. Written February 6th.
I am 18. I wish I were older.
I am 18. I wish I were younger.
I’m ready for college, for life and adulthood.
I want to go back to the time when nightmares
Only came when sleeping.
I want to move forward.
I want to turn back time.
I want to be ready
For kissing and making love and raising children.
I want to return to a life free of responsibility.
I want to see the world
I want to hide away
Be part of it all
Look on from the sidelines
Move forward bravely
Turn away in fear
I want to be ready to be with you.
I am frightened.
Only 18, too young for true love.
Already 18, too old for small crushes
And childish giggling.
I have found you already.
I have found you at last.
I want to be older,
Ready to make it last.
I want to be younger,
Not scared to start fast.
I wish we could be innocent together.
Acid,
Burning my skin
Tears,
Crying from the clouds
Thunder, screaming out pain
Flood,
Washing away my world
Ice,
Forming around my heart
Fog,
Blocking my thoughts
Mist,
Surrounding my world
Shadow,
Blocking me in
Rainbow,
Too long in coming.
I wrote this a few months ago about a girl I am now very much over.
Today she reached out to me,
And I walked away.
My heart broke as I left,
But I knew what she had to offer,
And I knew it wasn’t enough.
I love her, though she has no clue;
I love her, and as her hands stretched
And her eyes pleaded,
I knew I couldn’t be just her friend.
I have to separate myself,
For as much as it hurts to leave
It would have hurt more to stay;
Yet my heart is aching,
Wanting to run back to her.
WAITING
Waiting for you to realize
She’s not just hurting you
Waiting for you to realize
She’s breaking my heart to
Waiting for you to see
Someone out there really loves you
Waiting for you to see
Some dreams will never come true.
Waiting to not know
That I will never be enough.
Waiting for you to realize
Your love is really gone.
These last 3 were all written on September 26th '07
I stare ahead—
Not at the signs,
Or the detours,
Or the other paths.
I don’t look to the sides,
Don’t look behind.
I stare straight ahead—
And miss the exit.
Did you see the looks I gave you?
Did you hear the songs I sang?
Did you read the notes I wrote you?
Did you realize my pain?
Did you hear the voice inside me,
Calling out your name?
But no, you were gone;
Looks given only to a picture,
Songs sung only to a memory,
Notes written but never sent,
For I knew not where to send them,
The voice inside me calling,
But going unanswered.
Your words are absent of the love I feel,
Your actions void of emotion,
Your looks the same as you would give a stranger.
Where went the declarations of intense passion?
Where went the claims you would care for me always?
Where went the days of our holding hands,
Writing ballads,
Singing love songs?
Where went the time that seemed to stretch out endlessly before us?
Maybe I waited too long, and you moved on;
Maybe your love was never real in the first place;
Maybe it’s all an act to hide your pain;
Maybe you’ve forgotten.
Or maybe, just maybe,
Your love was just a dream.
_________________ "To days to come." "All my love to long ago.
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...
~Jas
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