I know it's been a while my little kittens...but being as it is the gift giving season...I thought I'd post a silly piece I wrote a long time ago and never quite got around to using...
One night I was watching "Family" and noticed that the sequined item on Tara's green top could quite possibly be a pot leaf...which got me to wondering
how funny would it be if Willow and Tara were stoned?
So if you find drug use offensive read no further...if not, then my silly gift to you...
Merry Christmas, Joyous Solstice, Happy Hannukah and Fabulous Kwanzaa (I didn't know the proper adjective on that one...humor me)
Enjoy!
Title: Beware of Geeks Bearing Gifts
Author: Umgaynow
Rated: pg-13 for drug use and suggestiveness
Notes: This is sort of A/U...anyway, it splits from canon after Buffy's death...Buffy was never pulled out of heaven, a new slayer was called and the Scooby's are very rarely involved in any of that mess...W&T live at Casa de Summers and have raised Dawn (
who is now in college in pre-med...Willow is kvelling...my daughter, the doctor) Willow never got addicted to magic, Tara never left, there was no trio of evil nerds, no First, no misogynistic homicidal ministers or any of that other nonsense...just a normal happy life or at least as close as one can get to it in Sunny D...also Tara's wild phase after her Mother's death was a bit more extensive than canon - PURE UNADULTERATED FLUFF
Beware of Geeks Bearing GIfts
Tara dropped her bag by the door, releasing an exhausted sigh, "Aaaaah...home at last," kicking off her shoes as she crossed the room and falling backward into the sofa's welcoming embrace. Just as she was getting comfortable, she heard a frightful noise coming from the kitchen.
"Sweet dreams are made of thi-iiiisss...who am I to disagrmmmmpphhh..." this last obviously filtered through a mouthful of something.
Despite the bend-over-here-it-comes-again sort of day she'd had, the honey blonde couldn't help grinning at her wife's rather less than successful attempt at song.
She honestly doesn't have the slightest clue that she couldn't carry a tune if it had a handle on it...God, she is so adorable.
With the stealth of a jungle cat, Tara snuck into the kitchen and slid her arms around her prey, nibbling at the side of the oblivious redhead's pale neck.
"
Mmmmm...hi baby," Willow moaned, snuggling back against her lover, "How was class?"
"Oh, class? That was great...which is more than I can say for the rest of my day...but I really just want to forget about all that." She peeked over Willow's shoulder at the tray she'd been setting out for their afternoon tea or coffee in the redhead's case, "You want a hand with that,love?"
"Sure, just bring this stuff out to the porch and I'll be right behind ya, OK?"
"
Behind me is good," Tara flirted.
Just as she'd settled herself on the porch swing, where the couple could be found most days around this time, Willow appeared beside her with a plate full of chocolatey goodness. "Ooooh, brownies!" the sapphire-eyed beauty exclaimed with child-like glee, grabbing one of the bite-sized morsels and popping it into her mouth, before her lover could even set them on the table. The redhead chuckled warmly, shaking her head as she settled in beside her beloved. This was one of the things she loved best about Tara, the joy she found in life's simple pleasures.
"So, at the risk of repeating myself, how was class? All with the yoga-y goodness and such?"
"Yes, much goodness was had by all...nothing like a full-on stretch in a super-heated room to get all those nasty little kinks out."
"Aaawwww," Willow mock-pouted, "But I like your little kinks."
Tara pulled her closer, nibbling at that secret ticklish spot on the back of her lover's neck, that only she knew about, "Hey! Who are you calling kinky?!? Surely not innocent, wholesome, little me! Uh-uh...no way...never!" she teased.
"What about that time with the sparkly pink underpants?"
"Willow Danielle Rosenberg! You take that back! There is nothing kinky about wearing a thong and you know it!"
"There is when you wear it on your head, tie a teddy around your neck like a cape and insist that I call you Queen Erotica all night.."
"You forgot about the boots," Tara chuckled lustily, popping another brownie into her mouth, "
Mmmmmm...these are divine...where'd you buy 'em?"
"How do you know I didn't bake them myself?"
Tara's full, musical laugh burst out like champagne from a shaken bottle.
"Oh, come on...it's not that inconceivable is it?"
The blonde was holding her sides now, tears threatening to spill from her azure eyes.
"Alright...alright...I give...but only cuz if you do the laugh and pee thing I'm gonna get wet too," Willow chided, fully enjoying the sight of her lover's heaving bosom as she gasped for breath, "Dawnie sent them...by way of thanks for helping with her Women's Studies paper."
"Uh-huh..." Tara teased, affecting an I-knew-it-all-along tone, kissing the tip of her sweetie's nose, "So, how's our girl doing in the big bad world of academia, anyway?"
"Fantastic! She got an A on the paper and a B on her final...and of course she aced all her pre-med stuff too," Willow puffed up a bit with geeker joy, at having sent another science nerd out into the world.
"So...
From Sappho to Shane: Lesbians in the Public Consciousness was a big hit then?" Tara grinned, bagging another brownie and chasing it with a sip of tea, before grabbing her next one.
"Yup...the professor even pulled her aside after class to tell her how impressed she was..." she raised an eyebrow, "That Dawn was
so well versed on the subject...for a straight girl..."
"You're kidding me...that is
so wrong! On so many levels...that's just, well...fishing of downright Xanderian proportion."
"Yeah, well you remember how it was when we were in college...horny TAs...our Dawnie all young, hot, tall and brainy...I guess she just couldn't help herself...tsk tsk...but our girl earned that A...no question there."
"I never doubted it for a minute, sweetie...then again not all girls are as lucky and privileged as our Dawn...only a precious few get to spend the bulk of their formative years co-habitating with a couple of hot, wimmin-lovin' babes such as ourselves..."
"True...true...sad, but true," the petite geeklet sighed dramatically, then snaked out her tongue to catch a crumb of chocolatey scrumptiousness that still clung to her lover's equally luscious lower lip.
"Mmmmmm...yummy!"
Willow sucked at the lip just a little longer for good measure, drawing a small moan from its owner.
"Anyway, I still say she should have gone with her original working title...
Lesbo-Palooza."
"Right, Will...you also thought she should include your crackpot theory about
The L Word."
"Mock me all you want Maclay, I still say that Jenny's poor decision making skills being in direct correlation with the tinyness of her head is a perfectly valid scientific premise..."
The blonde chuckled adoringly, giving her wife that sexy half-smile that meant
I love you so much, there are no words, then suddenly frowned.
"What is it, baby?"
"Only one brownie left," she pouted, batting her eyelashes at her soulmate, "That's OK...you can have it, lover."
"Oh, go ahead silly...I ate three while I was unpacking 'em, anyway...that makes six each."
Tara snatched up the little brown block with chocoholic glee and gobbled it down quickly, just in case her sweetie decided to change her mind. "That Dawnie really is turning out to be one helluva cook...these brownies are unbelievable...I feel almost euphoric...although that could be the company," she flirted, in a thoroughly unsubtle fashion.
"It's the funny-shaped pancakes," Willow stated with mock-sincerity, "Any clasically trained chef will tell you, they're the cornerstone of a truly great culinary repertoire."
"Oh yeah...I'm sure that's it..." the blonde giggled, nipping at a freckled earlobe.
"You do realize you're driving me crazy, right?"
"Uh-huh," the smokey-eyed temptress replied seductively, while continuing to do just that.
"Just checking..." she gasped a bit, then moaned distractedly, "Anyway, as I was saying...of course they're better than every day run of the mill brownies...they're lesbian brownies."
"Excuse me?"
"Lesbian brownies."
"And exactly how does that work?"
"Well, Dawnie's note said that since we gave her so much help with the
Lesbo-Palooza paper, she made them special just for us...using Alice B. Toklas' special recipe."
"Alice B. Toklas?" the blonde repeated, dumbstruck.
"That's what she said..."
"Will..."
"Yeah, baby?" she giggled for no reason at all.
"I really wish you'd mentioned that before I ate half a dozen.."
"Oh, don't worry about that, baby...they're just little things...there can't be that many calories...just little teensy things, no room for big bad calories...such cute, teeny, tiny, adorable, wee brownies...we love you, little ones...oops! All gone," she giggled some more, "Anyway, Tare...I like my women curvy...I mean woman...one woman...just one...my one and only..." She ran her fingertips from Tara's thigh up to the swell of her full breast, "Oh yeah...dangerous curves ahead...let me at 'em!"
"Willow...darling...I need you to be very quiet and listen closely to me for a minute here, OK?"
The redhead pantomimed locking her lips and tossing the key over her shoulder.
"It's not getting fat that I'm worried about...God! How could you not know this?!? You went to college didn't you? You took Women's Studies, so you must have read about Gertie and Alice at some point...you're married to a big ole extra-crunchy lesbian hippie chick for fucks sake! How can you not know this?!? Were you raised in a cave by Mormon nuns or something?!?!?"
"Tara...baby...you know I love you...but what the frilly heck are you talking about?"
"Willow...my love...my unfathomably innocent love...WE JUST ATE A DOZEN HASH BROWNIES!!"
"They didn't taste like corned beef to me...that Dawnie really is quite the cook...beefy brownies..." she giggled, "That's so bizarre...by the way, I don't think the Mormons have nuns..."
"Not that kind of hash, Will...HASHISH!!!"
"Oh...hashish..." the lightbulb clicked on over the formerly clueless girl's head and in a classic chain reaction, hit the panic button as well, "
Hashish?!?"
BEAT
"OH MY GOD! HASHISH?!?! WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE DO?? QUICK, CALL 911..."
"Calm down, sweetie," the blonde took her spastic lover in her arms, rubbing her back in soothing circles, "There's nothing we can do...there's nothing anyone can do at this point...it's been in our systems too long...there's nothing for it but to ride it out."
"Ride it out?!?" Willow was in full on panic mode, "Ride it out, she says! What do you mean ride it out?? Is there gonna be tripping? Am I going to trip?? I can't trip, Tara! I'm telling you, I just can't...I'm way too big of a spaz for hallucinations...and hello! Illegal drugs? What if the cops come? Oh no...what if this goes on my permanent record? I'll be ruined...I didn't have perfect attendance my entire scholastic career to have it ruined by...I think I might be freaking out here...am I having a freak out? Any minute now there'll be frogs...I just know it! Thousands and thousands of hoppy, slimy, little frogs...bouncing all over my vulnerable flesh...licking me with their nasty, sticky tongues...eeewww...oh God, Tara...SAVE ME FROM THE FROGS!!"
The gentle witch pulled her panicked lover into her arms, trying very hard not to laugh out loud. "Calm down, sweetie...just breathe...breathe, baby...it's OK...you're safe here with me...no frogs, I promise...not even one hoppy, slimy little amphibian will set so much as a warty toe on your fabulous body, darlin'...no hallucinations and definitely no tripping, OK baby?"
"Do you promise?" Willow asked in a timid childlike voice.
"Cross my heart, love...I'm not going anywhere...I'll be right here beside you...and if I see any frogs I'll turn 'em to dust before you set your pretty green eyes on so much as one icky little webbed foot...we're gonna be fine...right, baby? We'll get through this together, just like everything else."
"Whew...OK, I believe you...just promise you won't leave me alone."
"Witch's honor," she winked and twitched her nose.
"Very cute, Samantha...now what exactly is gonna happen?"
"Well, lover...do you remember when we got that copy of
The Lesbian Kama Sutra?"
"
Oh yeah..." Willow purred, dreamy-eyed.
"Hey...pay attention, pervy girl," Tara teased, "Do you also remember how being the adorable little over-acheiver you are, you insisted on trying page 114 and threw your back out?"
"It was soooooooo worth it," she grinned.
"You'll get no argument from me...but that's not my point...do you remember how Keith at the yoga center hooked us up with that little
herbal refreshment that we shared?"
"Oh yeah...you and me baby...rockin' the ganj," she snorted a little, "It'll be like that? I can handle that...no problem..."
"Well, it'll be
kinda like that..."
"Kinda?" Willow squeaked.
"Kinda...only moreso and sort of, well...different..."
"Like that one time only different and moreso...that's a big help...are you
sure this isn't a frog thing and you just don't want to tell me?"
"Will...baby...to tell you the truth...I really can't tell you what it's gonna be like...if that makes any sense...we had an awful lot all at once...and being an organic substance there's the varying potency thing...it could take quite a while before all of it is out of our bloodstreams, ya know? I know it's just a little buzzed, euphoric feeling now and in your case, obviously a little paranoia...but once it all hits, this might get pretty hairy...but as long as we stay relaxed, nothing bad is going to happen...I promise...I'm here for you and you're here for me...and really, even though it isn't an activity I would have chosen for us to share, it could actually be quite a pleasurable experience...hash has a tendency to kind of...well, I guess
heighten sensation...sight, sound, taste...not to mention
other things
..." she waggled her eyebrows, "But no matter what...I promise...there will be absolutely no frogs...OK?"
"I guess it's a good thing one of us had a misspent youth," Willow teased.
"Hey! I went a little wild after Mama died...I did some dumb, reckless things...but I'd hardly call it a misspent youth...it's not like I ever blew up a mall...or a school...shall I continue?"
"OK...I give...but you're the one who was the little stoner...what do we do now?"
"We need to be in a relaxed, safe, comfortable space...bedroom?" she kissed her softly, tucking a stray strand of red behind an awfully kissable looking ear.
"So...um...Tara..." she giggled, "That's a funny name...Tara," the redhead affected a bad southern drawl, "What'll I do now? I know, I'll go home to Tara...Tara..." then started humming a truly horrendous off-key version of the theme from
Gone With The Wind.
"Willow!"
"Huh?"
"Focus!"
"Ooops...sorry...I must be stoned...hehe, Willow Rosenberg, model student, stoned...whoulda think it? What was I saying? Oh...I remember! Yeah me! How long is this gonna last?"
"Hard to say...let's just hope nothing pressing comes up in the next few hours."
"Hours?!? You're just messing with me, right? Hours?? No way! Hours? Really? As in
it took hours?"
"Willow...baby...you're panicking again."
TBC
OK that's it for now...time to start thinking about getting dinner going...I have a sexy wife coming home who needs a good hot meal
Hope ya dug it...Sandi out