Summary: Set a few days after The Gift. Willow writes a letter to Tara to let her know how she’s feeling.
Note: Thoughts are in <>. Episode titles are in capitals. The titles I couldn’t manage were Checkpoint and Bargaining
Willow walked into the dorm she shared with Tara. She had just finished a day full of classes.
After the funeral, she decided she should start attending classes to take her mind off things, and Tara agreed with her.
She wasn’t sure how long she could hold it together. She missed Buffy so much, but she didn’t show it, because she was still helping Tara adjust to having her sanity back.
She was scared of telling Tara her feelings. So she her desk, and began to write.
< Oh god, what if she thinks I’m being stupid by feeling like this. Oh HUSH brain!>
Tara,
I know you probably think its lame for me to write a letter. But there are a few things I need to tell you that I don’t think I would be able to say to your face.
Things are just so weird right now. I miss Buffy so much. I look at how upset everyone is, and I keep thinking that Buffy will make it all better, and then I remember she’s dead.
It’s just not fair. I mean, I know everyone has to deal with it in their own way, but I can’t believe Giles just up and left for England the day after it happened, he didn’t even stay for the funeral!
I know you think he’s going to be like A NEW MAN when he gets back, but I just don’t see that happening. He looked broken. I tried to get him to stay, that we needed to stick together and be a team, but he wouldn’t listen.
I felt like screaming in his ear THERE’S NO I IN TEAM! But I don’t think he would have noticed but I expected him to stick around for Dawn.
Poor Buffy. It just isn’t fair that it happened to her. She had such a terrible year, with Glory and finding out about Dawn.
And Riley didn’t help. It was like GOODBYE IOWA boy, hello self pity boy. I can’t believe he just left her like that. I supposed they were really doomed after the whole Faith/Buffy body swap.
The night Faith came to him in Buffy’s body, he should have known. He should have been able to look in her eyes and say “WHO ARE YOU?” But he didn’t.
The whole thing with her mom was awful. The night Joyce went into hospital, Buffy called me and we talked for hours.
She said things to me like “This year is not good for Summers girls.” And then she paused, I could hear her trying to hold back her tears.
“But no, this years Buffy isn’t going to breakdown. THIS YEARS GIRL is gonna be tough for her family.” I never said this to her, but when she said those words I was proud to call her my best friend.
Poor Xander, he hasn’t even cried. He’s acting like a SUPERSTAR, The kind that never shows their emotions.
But he doesn’t need to be embarrassed. This must be so hard on him, I mean; he was in love with Buffy for such a long time.
It’s not just us that are going to suffer. Sunny-Dale, the place WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE, now has no slayer.
Y’know, the night Buffy died, I saw a NEW MOON RISING, and I guess I would have smiled if I hadn’t been so upset.
It’s weird how much we grew apart last year, Buffy, Xander, Giles and me. It was like THE YOKO FATOR, new people come into our lives, and we drifted apart.
And that whole dream thing with the PRIMEVIL slayer freaked me out too. It was like all my insecurities were there at once. That caused me a lot of RESTLESS nights.
But things got better again last year. After the whole BUFFY V’S DRACULA thing, she was on this mission to find (this was in her own words to me) “THE REAL ME.” Things seemed kinda stressed with Buffy and Riley though.
I think he thought that after Angel, he was just THE REPLACEMENT.
She told me how that she had wanted to taste Dracula’s blood, and then she asked me “am I going OUT OF MY MIND?” I really didn’t know what to say to her.
She also talked about getting out of Sunnydale, but after finding out about Dawn, I think she realise that there’s NO PLACE LIKE HOME.
After that whole thing when we found out you thought you were a demon, and then finding out you weren’t, I think we realised that we really are a true FAMILY.
And seeing your face at your party, the way you smiled and acted, I realised what a FOOL FOR LOVE I really am, in a good way.
And then, days later we found out that Buffy’s mom had a SHADOW on her brain.
Listening to the doctor tell her must have been like LISTENING TO FEAR for Buffy.
And then Joyce went from being out of the woods, to being INTO THE WOODS. It must have been so hard for them all.
And then Xander, Anya and me got into this stupid TRIANGLE, and I know you think I’m being silly, but I really don’t think she’s good enough for him.
And then Dawn found out she was the key. After the whole mess with Glory, I think Buffy realised that even though Dawn isn’t originally human, they do have BLOOD TIES.
Then Spike went and made thing worse by declaring his love for Buffy.
Afterward, Buffy told me he had said to her “I WAS MADE TO LOVE YOU Buffy.” I thought it was really pathetic, but he did prove it to her by not telling Glory who the key was. And I think Xander took the whole Spike loving Buffy thing worse by finding out that Dawn didn’t have a CRUSH on him anymore, but on Spike.
And then came the worst news. Joyce died. She was this happy; full of life woman, then all that was left was THE BODY.I Know nobody lives FOREVER, but I expected her to live a lot longer than that.
And then Spike made things worse yet again by getting that stupid Buffy robot. We all thought it was her, and that it was INTERVENTION time again. But he made up for it by being loyal to Buffy and Dawn. It made me realise that love, no matter what kind of love, is TOUGH LOVE.
And then you were taken from me. Your mind was stolen, and I keep thinking at the time I could have stopped it. But there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t move. I’ll never get the image of Glory’s hands in you brain out of my head.
A few days later, things went into a SPIRAL. Glory knew Dawn was the key, and we had to run away.
But Buffy won. She had carried the WEIGHT OF THE WORLD on her shoulders for so long, and then she realised she had THE GIFT. The gift to give life where there is death. She saved all our lives by ending hers.
I know people say that after death, there is AFTERLIFE, but I don’t know. Buffy could be suffering in hell for what she did, and that just isn’t right. And poor Dawn has to stay at Xander and Anya’s. She can’t even be in her own house because it got FLOODED.
Her life could be a soap opera. They could call it LIFE SERIAL. People would see that all the bad things came at once for her, and that there was no good.
I hate her dad. He doesn’t even care about her. I feel lke going ALL THE WAY to Spain and knocking him out.
There was a point to this letter, and I’m going to get to it. I love you Tara Maclay, never forget that. It’s like at the end of a really good musical, the audience says “Say it again, ONCE MORE WITH FEELING!” Well that’s what I’m gonna do. I love you Tara Maclay.
I saw a new spell the other day, called TABULA RASA. It’s a spell the makes everyone forget all their pain, and I’m ashamed to say I thought about doing it. Everything now is bad; it’s all SMASHED, WRECKED, and GONE.
I got really upset when I drove past the DOUBLEMEAT PALACE yesterday. Buffy loved the food their, we used to go all the time in high school. I visited her grave yesterday. It was horrible. I hate cemeteries; they’re just full of DEAD THINGS.
I wish Giles would call. It’s like he thinks he’s OLDER AND FAR AWAY, so we don’t need him, but we do.
I’m so happy I got your sanity back baby, I’m so pleased that you’re AS YOU WERE.
At the funeral, Dawn said that the bells of heaven would be playing, and Anya said to me, "more like HELLS BELLS", and I’m worried that she’s right. Buffy could be in Hell.
I wish things were NORMAL AGAIN.
Anya really bugged me the other day; she kept going on about how she beat Xander at scrabble with the word ENTROPY. I really felt like beating her up.There are more important things going on right now than Scrabble!
I keep having this weird dream that I’m SEEING RED, and i don't know what it means.
Oh well, at least most of Sunny-dales VILLAINS have been staying away.
I’m glad we got through to Dawn, just Xander and Spike left now, only TWO TO GO. Oh well, that’s all I’m gonna say now baby, I’ve got to go, Xander and me are going to visit Buffy’s GRAVE.
I love you.
Your Willow.
by Puff » Sun May 25, 2003 4:52 am 
