Gods Served and Abandoned

[AntigoneUnbound]

As ever, Kittens give the best feedback.



Rose24: Ah, but Donnie had noticed his mother getting sick (check out his thoughts later in that section)—he just wanted her to think that he hadn’t noticed her in any way. And I’ve always been intrigued by the notion that partners sort of join up for more than the typical relationship activities when they get involved w/ Buffy, Willow, Giles, or Xander. I’ve always wondered how those subjects come up. Thanks for reading and for always taking the time to respond.



Patches: Definitely, please call me Mary (Queen of Scots). I always feel sort of self-conscious about my name, anyway…the "Unbound" part feels a little grandiose to me, although at the time I really liked the cadence. But let’s cut to the main point: Aly in leather. Yes, yes, and may I just add, yes! In "Doppelganglander," when this-world Willow is standing outside the Bronze wearing her twin’s outfit, and she glances down at her chest and says, "Wow—look at those," I confess that I most certainly did. And kinda gay? Oh, yeah…let’s hear it for foreshadowing!



I’m psyched that you’re doing a VD fic (that’s Valentine’s Day, not venereal disease, of course, although the latter does lend itself to some interesting possibilities). I totally understand about the nerves…When I posted the first installment of "On Second Thought," my finger literally hovered over the mouse, terrified to click the "Add Post" button. But then I did, and voila— I discovered that I had caused a massive power failure along the eastern seaboard of the United States! OK, not really. Just saying that the first time’s definitely the toughest, but your writing makes me think that you’ll be well-received. And as you’ve no doubt noticed, people here are very nice and when they have constructive criticism to offer, they do so in a truly helpful, respectful way. So type and post away, good Patches—I’d love to see it!



I love your train of thought re: good and evil, and the role of choice in that epic struggle. When I was younger, I thought that the hard part was doing what’s right; nowadays, I find myself struggling to define what’s right, at least a fair amount of the time. I mean, yeah—don’t rob your grandmother, don’t sell crack to kindergarten kids, don’t push Dick Cheney under a snow-blower unless you’re sure no one’s looking…These things seem patently obvious. But how many absolutes are there, as comforting as it would be to believe in them in all things? So has Donnie actively, purposefully embraced evil? Was there one point in his life when he wasn’t responsible for his actions, and another moment—two ticks of the clock later—when he was? Take a look at Nora’s thoughts on the subject—she has some good, thought-provoking ideas.



OK, I’ll wrap up before my response comes to constitute an entire installment of its own. I’m glad you like the Scoobie exchanges; they’re a hoot to write b/c the characters (at least as they were initially delivered to us on the show) were so evocative. And yes, Tara’s wise in ways that the others haven’t necessarily had to be until now. Tara has navigated more demons of the emotional sort than anyone else, w/ the exception of Buffy. Dawn’s crush? I sort of extrapolated that from her clear admiration for Tara in the show. It’s fun to play with.



Thanks for writing, Patches, especially writing such incredibly thoughtful, kind feedback. I love seeing your name on the thread now b/c your words always stimulate my own thinking. Have a great week-end!



Nora: I’m glad the dialogue doesn’t suck! I think it’s hard to be reading some story, getting into it, and then hitting a stretch of dialogue that leaves you feeling really disjointed and disconnected from the characters.



I don’t intend to throw anything but bouquets your way for your compassion for Donnie. As the author, I’m actually glad to see it. You don’t absolve him of responsibility; you’re simply recognizing that no one is born a monster and asking very good questions about where and how that process starts. W/ Donnie and his mother, I imagine a chicken/egg conundrum: Which started first, his antipathy or her distancing? Why was Tara so clearly her favorite? (I know why Tara’s my favorite, but that really shouldn’t apply b/w mother and daughter.) How much did she try to hide that preference, at least at first? How active a role did Nathan Maclay play in all of this? We know he beat Donnie. I really enjoy your questions and musings, because they spark my own.



Please don’t hesitate to raise concerns about any depiction, even if it does have to do w/ my rendering. You’re right: if Willow constantly praises Tara as the sagacious superior, doesn’t that create an inequality b/w them? In the show, the only real "weakness" that we saw Tara evince was when her family came to town and she opted to cast a blinding spell over the gang. The rest of the time, she was the moral compass of a sort, which doesn’t leave much room for squirming around and trying to find one’s way. It also seems like the show definitely laid the groundwork for Willow’s abuse of magic back in S-5, and Tara tried to pull her back onto the path of Wiccan righteousness. My thinking in this section has to do w/ Willow’s growing awareness that Tara brings something relatively unique to the Scoobies: an emotional kind of wisdom that doesn’t have anything to do w/ classes and computers and killing. But I very much agree w/ you: I don’t want either character to be rendered as a caricature of goodness, wisdom, academic excellence…Such characters aren’t balanced in a relationship, and they aren’t terribly interesting as people. So I totally get your point, and it doesn’t make you a Gloomy Gus. Hell, even if it did, we all get to be gloomy once in a while, baroque poetry or no. (Well, actually, Barney never gets to be gloomy, does he?)



Thanks for the thoughtful feedback, Nora; I enjoy mulling such things over. Good luck on the whole poetry gauntlet!



Stef: Oh yeah, Tara turns us all on, in so many ways, doesn’t she? Gotta love her, and I do. Thanks for writing!



Debra: Hey girl—thanks for the good thoughts! I gotta say, seeing kind words such as yours is definitely a strong impetus for getting back to writing. I’m really glad you like the dialogue…I think those characters are so strongly rendered for us that it’s easy to envision them sitting down and just talking about anything. I’ve noticed that you do good dialogue in your own work. ("W/T Season 3, Y’All": Check it out!) This was particularly evident in the latest updates w/ the group exchanges. And Anya…it’s so easy to make her a comic-book character, very one-dimensional, and she’s much more than that. Certainly in writing her, it would be easy to have her be the truly insane voice that says all the completely off-the-wall stuff that it would be fun to put into a scene. Thanks for following this story and writing such encouraging words.



Sister Bertrille: How embarrassed am I, that I didn’t get the tied-to-a-log-cutter reference? I thought that perhaps it was some allusion that was special to you in some completely idiosyncratic but endlessly thought-provoking way. I gotta brush up on my range of references…



Grimaldi: You picked up on something that feels important to me: Buffy recognizing that she needs her friends and that she can let them see when she’s unsure about something, instead of soldiering on alone. I also agree w/ your point about Buffy’s behavior w/ Tara indicating how completely she welcomes Tara into this group and as her own friend. Thanks for reading and for taking the time to write. I also have to say: I love your avatar!



More later…Mary

[Penrose Orleans]

*Whew*! I'm glad that you didn't take my comment the wrong way (I got nervous that it could be read as overly critical)- I agree, of course, that Tara is wise, and good, and somewhat of a moral compass for the Scoobs.. of course, as you said, she's not perfect, but where do we see those character flaws? I'm not talking about stuttering, or shyness, or other somewhat superficial things. What's her sin? That plays in for me with the perception of Willow lacking virtue- she's powerful, but everyone always has to control her, etc.- what's Willow's virtue? These are essential problems I have with the show itself, and I guess I'd just love to see you tackle it, since you have such an intuitive grasp of the characters... it would be amazing to see an equal, human, imperfect relationship from these two... and that's hard! I think you can do it, though, with your glorious writing... soIcan'twaitforthenextupdate (subtle enough? )! -Nora

"The sound of laughter is like the vaulted dome of a temple of happiness."



"No matter how much we scorn it, kitsch is an integral part of the human condition."-Milan Kundera

[VampNo12]

Mary, I'm so glad things are looking better, and do tell that "Muse Horse" if she starts acting badly she will have to deal with me !



As for the update I quite enjoyed it! One of the things that intrigued me was the Donnie/mom interaction. It's obvious Donnie resents his mother (his belief that she favors Tara over himself), and what struck me were the lines, ("But because of the look his mother was giving him now, the one that told him how she really felt, no matter how nice she tried to be. Her eyes were all narrow, like a cat catching sight of a very small mouse and trying to decide whether to bother with it or not...She never hit him, never even looked like she came close to raising her hand....but she scared him worse than his daddy did.").



Now what I'm wondering is how much is what Donnie feels the "truth", and what is "colored" through his own perspective (not to mention how the "truth" gets even more distorted as time goes by, which allows him to justify his own behavior, his belief he was "wronged")? I think what clued me in to some of the reasons his mother appears cold/unforgiving is when she had trouble explaining and starts stuttering, with Donnie making an unfavorable comparison between his mother and Tara. With this in mind, Tara might not be able to confirm her mother's suspicions of Donnie abusing her, but it's telling that Donnie can't completely hide his treatment (ie he might be able to hide the bruises, but he can't totally hide his contempt for his sister). I guess what I'm trying to say is that we don't know conclusively why his mother treats her son differently than Tara (at what point in time this behavior/treatment develops), but at the same time I can't help wondering if this is her subtle way in "punishing" Donnie for the "crimes" against his sister (ie his mother being cold/distant). Also what spoke to me was that his mother seemed to be trying to make amends by reaching out to him (ie "I love you, Donnie. I always will. And I just as soon not die with things between us. But it looks like that'll have to be your decision."), but Donnie rather stew in his anger, acting indifferent to her plea to the point of refusing to let her in.



Lastly, again I must say how much I enjoy/love the way you capture the scooby dynamic through their interactions (ie they aren't the caricatures one see's now on the actual show, but rather your portrayal gives me back the characters I recognize/used to love). And one of things that resonated with me was Tara saying, ("I think it's good that you're not being all presumption girl, assuming you know what's best and that you have the right to play gate-keeper with all the important stuff."). Yes, there are no easy answers, but a step in the right direction is Buffy not shutting out the other's with taking the burden on by herself (ie using I'm the Slayer excuse), and instead relying on her "family", trusting that together they can lean on each other for strength/comfort in these trying times. With this in mind, I loved how the gang conveyed "it's who they are" (liked their mentioning of their "trade-ins"), they want to be a part of this "fight" (it's not a burden). Add to that a "wise" Tara being a help to Buffy (not to mention the act itself of Buffy going to Tara for advice, conveys wonderfully Tara is more than merely Willow's girlfriend, she is truly a part of their "family"), and the fun had "needling" Tara about Dawn's crush, made this update even sweeter. Can't wait for the next part!



Edited to add I was re-reading the passage with Donnie and his mother, and I realized that although, it no way excuses his later behavior (not to mention taking his hurt/anger out on Tara in the past), I do feel for what he had to endure growing up. It's a tribute to the complexity of your writing (ie its not all "black and white" there are "shades of gray"), that makes getting inside these characters heads so fascinating. No Donnie isn't a caricature (a "cardboard villain"), but rather a fully shaped character, and thus I will be interested to find out exactly when his mother started treating him differently. It's obvious Donnie thinks women are lesser, and I'm curious how exactly this was shaped in his mind (ie was it because of Nathan's influence, did Tara's mother naturally favor Tara fueling his resentment and later contempt of all women, or some other factor?). Really this is one of the reasons I enjoy this story so much it makes me think, and I can't wait to see further clues in order to gain new insights to these questions.



Have a great weekend!

Vicki

Edited by: VampNo12  at: 2/1/03 4:44:28 pm

[hush30]

Hey Mary,

Quote:

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I hope the revelation will be worthwhile. If not, I’ll buy all of you your next month’s supply of the menstrual device of your choice.

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With what I've seen of your writing ability I'm very confident it will be worth the wait (but if I did have to choose it wouldn't be the keeper because I still don't know what that is )

Quote:

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When would she realize that she could never hide from him? She couldn’t hide herself, she couldn’t hide what she was afraid of, she couldn’t hide what she found precious. He always found everything. He always would.

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He is so jealous of Tara isn't he? Was that a hint as to what's in the box?

Quote:

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"Well excuse me for being in the blue reading group instead of the red group where this is concerned," Tara said in what, for her, approximated a huff.

"Or anyone not so preternaturally modest as to find it incomprehensible that anyone would have a crush on her," Giles added pointedly.

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It is very understandable that Dawn has a crush on Tara and everyone knew but Tara herself (much more believable than a crush on Xander). That's just one of her many endearing qualities that made me fall for her in the first place.

Quote:

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Tara’s response was immediate, and she linked her fingers more tightly with Willow’s as she spoke. "Not for an instant. I would have opted for a life with Willow anywhere, under any circumstance. Everything that she is, I join myself to."

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That was so sweet. Tara just speaks from the heart and it seems to invariably be the exact right thing to say.



Thanks for taking the time to give us such a wonderful update. There's no need to appologise for taking a little bit longer to update. We totally understand that life gets in the way sometimes



Nan

"I think this line's mostly filler" - Willow in OMWF

[Vampivy]

Hey Mary,

        I guess I kinda slipped into lurker mode for a bit, but I felt I just wanted to say that I’m still completely captivated by your story. These last two updates like the rest have been incredibly fascinating to read.

With all of Donnie’s dirty deeds and all his true intentions to be the prick he is I cant help but wonder if in the end I’m still going to wish I can run him over with my car or feel sorry for him. Hmm… I’m not much for drama or conflict. I tend to wanna avoid it if I can. But then I think about it this way, if you don’t defend yourself no one will.

Thank you for the continued touches of humor, kinda reminds me of my role in real life. I tend to be the one spilling the funnies in the middle of all the drama.

All in all it’s nice to be back here reading all this good stuff. Plus the feedback here is also great to read.



Patty

[tommo]

I think the first thing I noticed about this was Buffy's obvious distress and Tara's calming touch. The notion that Buffy would accept physical contact so easily from Tara was a great way of showing how integrated Tara is into the idea of family. I love how that theme is another one you explore in this fic; how it manifests itself in so many different ways. And you underline that message we got from the show in Season 5 that family isn't always defined along bloodlines. It's more a sense of belonging, and here I'm struck most by the way you show the reader that. Dawn is related to Buffy by blood, and yet she doesn't "belong" with her in that way. Tara is related to Donny by blood, and yet she doesn't "belong" with him. And then we have the Scoobies; all from different bloodlines, and yet bound together by a bond that supercedes genetics. Wonderful stuff.



The idea of that family bond made it so perfect that Buffy would turn to Tara for advice. I think that's something I always regretted in the show; nobody ever really asked for Tara's opinion. Here, you've summed up everything she's been through and her whole life experience into a nutshell. She's the one that Buffy would naturally turn to; she's the one who would have helpful advice, even if she doesn't have all the answers. The sense of calm that you perpetuate from Tara is really great; it's an innate part of her that I always felt complimented Willow's abject enthusiasm so perfectly. I love how when Tara is around, things just seem better.



The dialogue...god, I love your dialogue. Your sense of intonation and humour is in every single word. And that's something inherent to the Scooby exchange, I think. It's the thing that draws them together as "family" - the way that they communicate. You show that so successfully; I can hear the individual voices as well as understand the unity of their conversation, and that in itself is quite a gift, to be able to write that so well.



And finally, Donny. You know, despite the fact that he's the "evil" in this story, and you're exploring that whole idea of human evil vs demonic evil, you've managed to make him into a fully developed three-dimensional character. When I think of Donny, I'm no longer taken back to that three-scene person from Family. Here, he's really well explored and there's a tiny part of me that almost sympathises with him. I loved that scene with his mother; and yes, he's the worst kind of humanity, seeking pleasure in hurting others, but you know, as well as that he's also a really estranged child. I'm sure there's a lot more to his character that you haven't yet told us, but with these flashbacks I'm loving finding out more about him all the time. He's complex and difficult and hard to get to know; he hides behind his mask so often. But that last part of the first section; where he's contemplating his mother's impending death...well that really took my breath away. I suspect that Donny too, has experienced great pain and loss in his own way.



Loving this story; thanks so much for posting another update. I look forward to much more.

It's in your eyes, I can tell what you're thinking; my heart is sinking too...It's no surprise, I've been watching you lately; I want to make it with you...

[JewWitch18]

okay, we've established the proper spelling for bocce... so...what is bocce?



good stuff, mary. I particularly liked this donnie section; your descriptions are as poetically revealing as ever. donnie as parasitic, as consuming and being consumed, really bleeds through in a totally organic way that is achingly real.



and that whole "dawnie has a crush" thing was perfect.

not sure that smilie was apropos, but it's new and I like it.



also liked this:

Quote:

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The question before us really seems to be: do we opt for the functional thesis of morality or the idealized abstract?

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the funny thing is, I am so up to my eyeballs in cultural theory right now, this is clearer to me than willow's interpetation! I my department!

Say you really like shrimp. Or, say you don't like shrimp at all. "Bah, I wish there weren't any shrimp," you'd say...

--Anya on multiple dimensions

[DarkWiccan]

Antigone --



I have been horribly remiss in posting praise into your thread. There is a simple explanation for this: your writing leaves me absolutely speechless.



Your skill is so great it leaves my mind numb with awe.



So please... take my silence as praise... because (and you can ask alot of people here...okay.. well maybe just Beth) it takes something pretty damn impressive to shut me up.



So I will make it a point to stop in and say things like "Wow", or "Awesome work!" or maybe use emoticons like , , , and



Because I just want you to know that I am reading and that I really love what I am seeing.



Cheers!

DW

"Promise me you'll never be linear." "On my trout."

Edited by: DarkWiccan at: 2/1/03 10:15:01 pm

[Twisted Minstrel]

Like DW, I feel completely remiss in not posting; my schedule simply doesn't permit a lot of free time anymore, but I do make the exceptions, and this is certainly one of the best.



There's been an incredible amount of dissertation on this story as it goes along and with good reason - there simply isn't another fic like this out there. All in agreement regarding dialogue, plotting, character development - it's all within the realms of brilliant, but what truly grabs me is the simplicity with which you write. There's nothing stretched or overbearing, nothing hitting us over the head so that we can't do anything else but say 'ouch.'



As an editor I've read tons of crap and not-so-much-crap in my time; even outside of this genre, you are a marvellous writer. You have a talent for exploring the inner life of these characters without ever seeming to do so. You write for the ensemble in a way that puts Whedon and Co much to shame (not that they don't do that perfectly well all on their own).



The richness here is not to be missed and it makes me even more aware that this sub-sub-genre of fiction writing, that is so often ridiculed or passed over by the general public, is far above what anyone would or should expect. There is exceptional talent out there and you are certainly one of them.



Well done, wow and amazing won't cut it here.



You're good. Simple. Period.



Piper

http://www.blurty.com/users/moonrain

[AmberEyedDragon]

Update = amazing, woo...and hoo



and that = the extent of my mental capabilities at this hour on a sunday

~Sara~ Self Proclaimed Wonderbra Girl o' D00m

We don't need their shallow popularity; we'll build our palaces in the dark and beautiful places they forgot to look.



"Giles! I made them laugh, did you hear? I did....the joke thing"

[Grimlock72]

I have a dual approach towards Donnie; on one hand I want to know why he acts like he does, on the other hand I don't care much what causes him to abuse Tara just have him shot for it for all I care.



Donnie's problem seems to be that he thinks his mother didn't love him. Now bear in mind that we only have Donnie's view on this, having Tara's mother's view on it would certainly help. Tara herself isn't much use in this since her mother doubtlessly acted somewhat nice to Donnie when she was around.



Why did his father hit Donnie in the first place ? Does he blame his mother for not doing something about that perhaps ? Tara never does that, it's simply not in her nature since she's very forgiving.



We don't really know if Tara was her mothers favourite from the start. All we know is Donnie felt that way but we hardly know WHY. Eventually Donnie started behaving in such a way that it's hardly a wonder neither Tara or her mother wanted much to do with him. The question is what started that abhorrent behaviour ? Trouble is that Donnie's thoughts on that are colored of course and we can't ask Tara's mother what happened anymore. Asking his dad might work since he likely doesn't see anything he did as *wrong*.



There is only two years difference between Donnie and Tara right ? That kinda rules out mother wanting to protect 2nd kid from abuse she saw the first one suffer, drat. Unless Donnie actually remembers his dad hitting him when he was one year old which I kinda doubt.



It would be interesting to know answers to the questions above. But it doesn't justify Donnie's behaviour to Tara or Willow. He *might* have a good case to be angry with either his father and/or mother but thats about it. Backgrounds can be interesting but I hate them being used as excuses for whatever crime is commited. Look at the poor poor murderer's background your honour! I think not.



Questions, comments ??



Grimmy

"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[miss calendar]

Hi again, Antigone Unbound,

Sorry to be late with feedback, it's partly due to having limited Kitten time at the moment and partly because I need to let the feelings stirred up each time I read an update have time to settle before I can start thinking about the fic. I think I mentioned there are some parallels to my own family so reading it is bringing up past memories in a way I've not experienced reading other fics (though I think it's also an indication of the depth and power of your writing). Heh, I even found myself talking about your fic to my sister the other day. Add to that the fact that my mother died of breast cancer some years ago, well I could certainly empathise with Tara when you wrote,



' For years, it seemed, she’d been trying to hurry time along, nudging it and pushing it and urging it to pick up its pace. Now, for the first time that she could remember, she wanted it to slow down.



Because her mother was sick.



Because her mother wasn’t going to get better.'





That whole passage was so heartbreaking, especially seeing Tara so desperate not to hear those irrevocable words,



"The tests came back today, Honey , and… and it’s not good." Stop talking, Mom. Please Mama. Please stop talking.



"It looks like I have cancer, Bright Eyes."



And then Tara knew that it was too late, that her mother had uttered the words and the words had made it all real. And she thought, dimly, that her eyes were bright, they had to be, because everything was shimmering, including her mother; she was twinkling and shining and glittering through the prism of tears that made everything so horribly bright.





I thought the way you turned around her mother's endearment, 'Bright Eyes' in the above passage was brilliant; such a powerful image, communicating the loss Tara experienced in that instant as well as the loss to come.



It was interesting to contrast this scene with the one in which Tara's mother informs Donnie and to compare his response. Although he pretends he hasn't noticed her illness and acts bored and impatient when she raises it, you showed that in his own way he does care even if he would never admit this to himself or others. The fact that he has spent nineteen years working on his bored, annoyed look was so telling as was his thought when he acknowledges she is dying that, 'She was going to go away and leave him alone.'



To me that speaks volumes about the past rejection and abandonment he has experienced but cannot let himself feel, has probably been defending against his whole life. I'd hazard that Donnie was once a frightened, lonely little boy, desperate for love who, unable to cope with how vulnerable he felt, retreated into indifference and hatred. The contempt he feels toward his father for loving their mother and crying when she died and then his question,

' Was it worth it, Daddy? Was it worth everything you lost, everything you gave up to be with that witch who never loved you anyway? ' all seem a part of this.

Any expression of love, any hint of emotional dependency he perceives as weakness and responds to with contempt and cruelty rather than risk experiencing his own underlying need. It would explain some of the hatred he feels toward Tara and their mother though I think there is probably a lot of envy too.



So I guess my take on, 'Is Donnie capable of feeling love?' would be yes but he cannot afford to let himself do that, to allow love in would shatter the persona he has built up over the years and require him to adopt a completely different set of values and lifestyle and to face the pain he has been denying for so long. And Donnie is weak, too weak for that I believe. Plus he's too invested in his hatred, gets too much satisfaction from cruelty to give it up now. And it was interesting how almost immediately after he had the thought about his mother leaving him alone he moved on to the thought that Tara would be alone too, as if gaining consolation from the thought of her pain and the increased opportunities for bullying after their mother had died. Donnie's way of dealing with pain is to hurt someone else and given how much pain he's inflicted on Tara I'd say somewhere he is hurting a lot. I love how you 've made me feel sympathy for Donnie while still hating his guts and love the layers you keep adding to his personality (like in the phonecall to Cousin Beth). Tara and Donnie have clearly both had very difficult childhoods and coped in very different ways. Tara got through it by clinging on to love, Donnie got through it by clinging on to hate.



Which brings me to that whole issue of why are Donnie and Tara so different given they grew up in the same family and share the same genetic heritage. My suggestion is that although they grew up in the same family they had very different experiences within that family. There is still a lot we don't know but one thing that's clear is Tara had a close and loving relationship with their mother whereas Donnie did not. Tara felt valued and liked by her, Donnie seemed to feel the opposite. For Tara their mother was a safe haven , for Donnie a source of fear. And then there is Nathan Maclay. It seems that while Tara experienced greater rejection and emotional abuse from Nathan, Donnie experienced more physical abuse. In OST ( yep, read it now, another wonderful fic!!) it was implied that Tara's mother intervened when she discovered Nathan had beaten Tara and somehow dissuaded him from doing it again. It would seem she did not protect Donnie in the same way. Why not? Was their relationship already so distant that she didn't know he was being beaten? didn't she care?



I'd say the fact that Tara came from a long line of witches must have helped her. She knew she was part of a tradition, had a link to the world and a purpose that Donnie never had. In fact another key difference I see in Tara and Donnie's situations is that through her practice of magic Tara had an outlet for her creativity and a context for spiritual development. Wicca gave her exposure to ideas and values other than those of the Maclay men and a spiritual path to follow. One of the things I loved about Amber's portrayal of the character was how she communicated her as as someone with spiritual values which inform everything she does and the kind of person she tries to be. Her kindness and compassion, her awareness and insight, her generosity of spirit, her integrity and ethical sensitivity are qualities Tara has chosen to develop over many years. Donnie on the other hand has chosen to develop his skills in manipulating and hurting people.



I liked the scene where you showed Buffy turning to Tara for advice and accepting her support so easily. I also liked how you showed Willow's appreciation of Tara's skill in coming up with the appropriate, compassionate response and how Willow recognises and acknowledges that Tara has a wisdom the rest of the Scoobies do not. Cleverness and intelligence are not the same as wisdom and I agree that Tara does seem to have a lot of wisdom. As for whether Tara is compassionate or wise I'd say she's both and actually from a Buddhist perspective you cannot have one present without the other. There can be no true wisdom without compassion and true compassion is informed by awareness and wisdom. In fact if you look at the archetypal Bodhisattva figures, Green Tara could be seen as an embodiment and symbol of transcendental Compassion and White Tara as an embodiment and symbol of transcendental Wisdom. That does not mean that Green Tara does not possess wisdom and that White Tara is not compassionate, in fact they are both Tara, each has the same spiritual qualities it's just that a different aspect is being highlighted.



(just as an aside which I find interesting in the context of Tara and Donnie in this fic, traditionally in Buddhism hatred is seen as a poison which through the antidote of loving kindness can be transformed into wisdom.)



I hope it's okay to mention the Buddhist stuff. Actually this fic is really interesting to look at in terms of Buddhist ethics and while the jury is still out on whether Donnie is evil his actions are certainly akusala ( usually translated as unskilful ) since they are motivated by ill-will, greed and ignorance. hmm , it's so tempting to explore this further but I think I've already said more than enough. Just before I go though, I do find myself returning again and again to that question you asked, 'What role did Nathan Maclay play in all of this?' I hope we get to find out. Compelling as Donnie is as a villain I think Nathan still has a lot to answer for. Certainly when considering Tara's childhood it's likely his emotional abuse and the way he made her believe she was part demon had as much negative impact if not more than Donnie's physical abuse. At least she could remove herself from Donnie's violence whereas Nathan's lies nearly made her walk away from her new life including Willow despite the love between them.



Anyway, thanks again for this fantastic fic. Looking forward to the next update.

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' What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday,
and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow :
our life is the creation of our mind. ' from The Dhammapada

[AntigoneUnbound]

Kittens: Though I’ve always considered myself to have a suitably large vocabulary (does size really matter? With lesbians?), I find it increasingly difficult to summon the words to express my appreciation for your kind and invariably insightful comments and my admiration at the depth of your thinking. And has anyone, in the history of any language, ever written a longer sentence?



Some general thoughts: There has been amazing consideration of the issue of Donnie’s underlying morality and motivation: From whence springs his antipathy? Did he perceive his mother’s preference for Tara and pull away from her, or did she grow increasingly uncomfortable with his obvious hostility, which he may have felt safer, ironically enough, conveying to her, considering that his father beat him? Is there anything redeemable in him? What is Nathan Maclay’s responsibility in creating such a monster of a son?



There seems to be varying levels of compassion for Donnie (not to be confused w/ excuses for his behavior). Who of us can’t relate to fearing abandonment as a child or suspecting (perhaps knowing) that someone else (e.g., a sibling) was getting "the good stuff"?



As the writer, I’m glad to see such discussion, because it means (a) people give a rat’s ass about the story and (b) Donnie isn’t a cardboard stereotype in whom there’s no interest. True, nobody wants to date him (well, OK, Vicki asked me to set them up, but I had to explain that he doesn’t really exist); however, there is some level of interest in what makes him tick.



OK, on to the specific feedback:



Nora: No, I wasn’t offended at all by your observations, bitch. (You know I’m joking, right?) You’re absolutely right: we saw Tara’s social shortcomings, but not her moral ones. She has them, of course—we all do. Ditto your comment about Willow’s virtues. So how do these two women, each of whom can certainly have different native (if you will) assets and weakness, balance the appreciation of the other’s strengths w/o devolving into one-dimensional people who count on their partner to supply the parts they’ve allowed to atrophy in themselves? Does that sentence make any sense whatsoever? I’ve had a lot of coffee today…Thanks for the input, Nora, and truly—share your thoughts and concerns. It only helps.



Vicki: Hey girl! How was the weekend? I’ve got to get a computer for my home…Yes, the Muse Horse (not to be confused w/ the Muse Whore, who is certainly enjoyable but charges for the inspiration) has been treating me kindly. If she doesn’t, I’ll ship her out your way and let you slap a lawsuit on her! You nailed an absolutely essential question within this story: To what extent are Donnie’s perceptions (both past and present) accurate? He’s become so invested in his hatred; it’s his identity, I think, and we give up our defining characteristics only when we’re convinced that something else will work better. I’m so glad you caught the stuttering connection b/w Tara and her mother. I actually don’t know (and perhaps I should have found out) whether there’s any genetic link to stuttering; I don’t think there is. But I envision her mother as having wrestled with that obstacle as well, though to a far lesser degree. I do know that stuttering can be triggered/exacerbated by anxiety, and Tara’s mother is certainly unsettled in this scene. You’re right about her trying to reach out to him: he is her son, and she does him. But he scares her, too, just as she scares him. She doesn’t fear his physical violence, but each of them sees something frighteningly alien in the other, I think. (Notice how I keep saying "I think"? Can you tell they’re developing in my head, too?) It’s certainly true, as you point out, that Donnie thinks women are lesser: is that an extension/distortion of fear? He despises that which he recognizes at some level can vanquish or unsettle him?



You also pick up on something that feels important to me: Buffy realizing that her friends are there not just for research and back-up, but as invaluable sources of wisdom, consultation, and support. I’ve hated watching her become more and more emotionally insulated over the last 2-3 seasons (not that I’m watching anymore: don’t get UPN, don’t care to). I probably resonate with this idea in particular b/c I know that in my own life, I can tend to go "Lone (Emotional) Ranger" when things get tough…It’s just easier to keep stuff to myself. Saying it out loud makes it too real.



Thanks, Vicki, for your incredible feedback. I hope I let you know enough how much I appreciate the insight and support of your words. You rock; you roll; there ain’t a tort you can’t control. (Does that even make any sense?)



Nan: Hey—thanks for following so faithfully! You ask a question of some significance: What’s in the box? Is it related to Donnie’s obvious jealousy? And oh, yeah—a crush on Tara compared to a crush on Xander? Dawn is clearly setting her standards a little higher, isn’t she? Thanks, too, for the acquittal on the delayed-update front. I appreciate the understanding.



Patty: You know, as weird as it may sound, I’m glad you’re not sure whether you’ll end up wanting to throw him under a snow-blower or find him a good home somewhere (where he’ll be well supervised, of course). I’m with you (usually) on the conflict-avoidance call…I have sensors a mile long that can pick up tension and then defuse it in social situations. This has nothing to do w/ my own family or history, or course…I’m so glad you came out of lurker mode to post this feedback. It’s great to see your name again.



Ruth: God, your feedback is always so astute and articulate. One would think you’ve written a few stories in your life…Like you, I have a deep appreciation for the different forms that family can take, and your phrasing captures that idea well for me: with whom do we belong? Dawn apparently has no genetic link to Buffy, not in the way they’ve believed; yet she is, inarguably and poignantly, her sister. And then we have Tara and Donnie…I think a lot of us on this board may have looked around at those people w/ whom we share incredible genetic similarity and thought: Who the hell are you? It also seems that you and I have a similar sense of Tara’s calm and her wisdom. Yes, they definitely should have "consulted" her more. It seems that they were doing that somewhat more frequently in Season Sux, before everyone sacrificed their integrity on the altar of Spurious Motivation. Tara would certainly be the natural choice for Buffy to consult re: her decision. As I was writing this, it just seemed to fit that Buffy could accept Tara’s touch (and couldn’t we all?) more easily than others’. God, I’m so glad you like the dialogue. I so enjoy writing it and it helps immensely to hear that it rings true and smooth for you (having read quite a bit of your dialogue and knowing how well you accomplish that yourself). Finally, I’m relieved that you’re interested in hearing more about Donnie and what makes him tick. No, you certainly don’t want to invite him over for dinner, but you want to know more about him. At this point in the story, that’s incredibly helpful for me to hear. Thanks so much for your insight and observations, Ruth. I truly appreciate it.



Jenny: Great question! Bocce is a lawn game of Italian origin—not rumored to be incredibly cut-throat or dangerous. Love the new smilie! Hey—let’s hear it for your department, which is apparently doing a good job. Hope your eyeballs are bobbing along safely on the waves o’ higher learning! Thanks for following this story and taking the time to send your thoughts.



DW: God, don’t ever apologize for not posting more OR underestimate your own prowess with the written word. I’ve read your stuff, remember—I know how well you write! Stop in whenever you want, say whatever you want—I’m just glad to see you here! Thanks for taking the time to let me know you’re reading—I really do appreciate it.



Piper: I have to say that your post constituted some of the kindest, most encouraging feedback I’ve ever received about writing. It was truly heartening. Considering what sounds like an incredibly busy schedule, I’m even more appreciative that you took the time to write what you did. I’m especially glad that the simplicity aspect works for you. I’ve often wondered if I’m not sophisticated or elaborate enough and it’s so helpful to know that there’s a place for such a style. I also concur wholeheartedly with your assessment of Whedon and Co’s remarkable talent for cutting off their noses in seeming oblivion of the effect on their collective face. Thanks, Piper, for your encouragement. I hope your schedule is or becomes tolerable for you.



Sara: Hey—nice to see you! Hope all’s well out your way. Thanks for the enthusiasm and the support. Take care!



Grimmy: So many thought-provoking philosophical questions…You make an excellent point: we only have Donnie’s perspective on how his mother felt about him. We’ve never been inside his mother’s mind. Is he even remotely accurate in his perception? Was he ever? You’re also dead-on in noting the "chicken/egg" conundrum of looking at that relationship: who first truly created the distance? There’s also been a lot of agreement re: the fact that Donnie’s past doesn’t justify his abuse of Tara, certainly not with her being in a position of lesser physical power than him. As much as I hate it (being of Irish descent), I think that the historic level of Irish racism within the US points out that dynamic on a macro-level: the Irish were among the most denigrated of immigrants, so they turned their bitterness and resentment onto the one group that they had more social power than: African-Americans. Donnie has been powerless everywhere except with his sister. There’s some truly fascinating dialogue on this thread re: the whole theme of morality’s underpinnings and the individual’s responsibility to act morally, regardless of her or his own unfair background. Thanks for taking the time to pose such thoughtful issues.



Miss Calendar: I can’t even tell you how excited I was to see your name on this thread. No, really, I can’t tell you…Oh, OK, you pulled it out of me: I was really damn excited. You are to feedback as Guinness is to beer and Godiva is to chocolate and please don’t take that sentence to suggest that you combine those two because frankly, it’s not such a great combo. Sorry to hear that Kitten time is limited…That’s never good. Jest aside, though, I was moved by your comments about family parallels and your conversation with your sister. I’m really glad that the conversation b/w Tara and her mother felt genuine and legitimate to you, considering the incredible importance of the subject. You’re absolutely right about Donnie’s feigned apathy and you make a very astute observation: he’s spent 19 years working on this look of boredom. It doesn’t necessarily come naturally to him. I think you have a remarkable handle on Donnie’s relationship to love and anger: he could feel love, if he were to let himself, but he has come to believe that the costs/risks supercede the benefits. Unmitigated bitterness is one thing, but to allow oneself to hope and then have that hope dashed? Harder by far, I think…I’m extremely glad that Donnie is a layered character for you; that you can find him loathsome and faintly sympathetic (or worthy of sympathy) at the same time. If that doesn’t come off, he just doesn’t work as a central character. And yes, why are these siblings so different? Thus far, we’ve had only dim inklings of Nathan Maclay’s literal and figurative hand in shaping his son, and you raise a good question: why didn’t Tara’s mother protect Donnie, if she knew it was happening? The second part of that sentence, I think, holds the crux of the question.



You gave a wonderful and fascinating glimpse into Buddhist concepts as they relate to these people. As far as I’m concerned, it’s more than OK to mention Buddhism. I found myself thinking about the interplay b/w compassion and wisdom for a long time after I first read your feedback. I think that in many cultures (certainly the US), there’s an unstated perception that the two have a negative correlation: the "nicer" someone is, the less intelligent or astute they’re perceived to be. I’m thinking of the reliance on irony and sarcasm in popular culture, and how frequently gentle or compassionate people are relegated to one-dimensional depictions. I was completely engrossed in your discussion and I’m so thankful that you took the time to explain those concepts.



Thank you so incredibly much for your remarkable feedback and perceptivity.



OK folks...Update Tuesday night—thanks again for the kind words!

Mary

[darkmagicwillow]

I was thinking back to the beginning of this story, and that made me realize how amazing how much family, good and bad, blood and chosen, magickal balls of energy and human beings, that you've built on the bare bones of the episode Family. I never could quite believe in the episode that the Scoobies would defend Tara as they did in the end after all the demonstrations of their disconnection from her and specially after she cast the blind Cadria spell, but here I do believe and that's a wonderful thing.



You've rewoven reality with your Tara, adding history, emotional connections, and her physical contact with Buffy to make her connection with the Scooby family and the ongoing story of BtVS real in much the same way the monks rewrote reality to insert Dawn. Thinking of which, your revelation of Dawn's unreality feels very real too (ironic, I know ;-) with Willow's denial followed by her immediate acceptance of Dawn as family with her use of "we," Buffy's stumbling over her slayer/sister roles, and the extra detail of Dawn's crush on Tara and Tara's failure to see it.



Hmmm...now you've got my head all heavy with thoughts on the nature of reality and fiction and how they intertwine...

--

"Omnia mutantur, nihil interit." -- "Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost."

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hey DMW: It's true, I think family is one of the most elusive concepts to grasp even in the abstract, much less when we try to apply that understanding to the people we call our family. What role do genetics play? What about those traits that we always say, "I'll never do x/y/z like Mom/Dad," and then suddenly we stop and realize we're doing just that?



Thanks for the encouragement re: the credibility of what's going on here w/ re: to the Scoobies' defense of Tara and Dawn's emergence as the Key. It helps to hear such things. And thanks, as always, for the insight and thoughtful feedback. Hope the nature of reality has left off messing with your head for awhile. As Lily Tomlin says, "What's reality but a collective hunch?"



OK--Next up, Part 10.

Mary

[AntigoneUnbound]

Gods Served and Abandoned

Disclaimers:
I don’t own any of these folks; I just try to treat them the way they deserve.

Spoilers:
Up to season 5. I’ve played slightly with the timing of a certain Big Bad’s appearance, with some implications for Dawn’s entrance.

Rating:
R for now; if it changes, I’ll give heads-up.

Distribution:
Sure, with acknowledgement.

Feedback:
Even more sure! Bring it on!

*****


Part 10


*****

"Donnie, w-would you take Mom’s iced-tea up to her? I’m almost done with the soup and toast, and it w-would save me making two trips." From her position by the stove, Tara looked at her brother warily. She never asked Donnie for anything, but she was so tired from the countless trips up and down the stairs, not to mention the late-night studying to keep her grades up, that she decided to risk it.

He grunted dismissively. "D-d-d-don’t you th-th-th-think you c-c-c-could use the exercise, Sis? You got breeder’s hips if ever I seen ’em." He laughed at his own joke, and the harsh noise drowned out the sound of their father entering the kitchen. Tara saw the hard slash of his mouth tighten even more as he glared at his son.

"Watch your language, Donald. You’ll not talk to your sister in that way." Nathan Maclay looked over at Tara, who, despite his words, felt no warmth or protectiveness emanating from him. What she did feel, what she had felt almost constantly for the last several years, was resentment and bitterness.

What did I do, Daddy? Just tell me, and I’ll apologize. But you have to tell me what I did.

Their father turned back to Donnie. "Get your lazy body out of that chair and help your sister. And apologize while you’re at it."

Donnie glowered at Tara with an expression that told her what she could expect later, even as he sullenly muttered, "Sorry, Tara." He pushed his chair back from the table with an angry shove and made his way over to the stove.

"H-here’s the tea. You can just put it on the t-table by her bed."

In a low voice, Donnie replied, "Really? P-p-p-put it on the table? I was thinkin’ of puttin’ it in her dresser with her socks."

Tara said nothing until he reached the doorway, and then called out, "Thanks, D-Donnie."

She looked nervously at her father, who glanced downward as soon as she caught his eye. When he looked back up, he seemed angrier than before, and Tara had no earthly idea why.

She hated these moments alone with her father almost as much as she hated being caught alone by Donnie. Her father always seemed so resentful toward her, and it felt as if the more she tried to placate him, the angrier he became. When it was just the two of them, her anxiety raged almost out of control. Should she try to speak to him, engage him in conversation? What about? Was there a safe topic? Anything he might want to talk about? Or maybe he’d prefer to be left in silence, without her bothering him. But what if he thought she was being rude, or stand-offish? Which was worse—to irritate him, or offend him?

Deciding that if he had wanted silence, he could have left the room, Tara ventured a question. "How’s the p-planting going, Daddy?"

His frown told her she’d made a mistake. What? What did I say? They’re planting corn all this week, aren’t they?

"Have you looked outside, Tara? I know you don’t dirty your hands much with the farm work, but even you should know that we don’t plant corn when it’s still so muddy from the rain."

The rain. Right, it rained hard these last two days. I knew that; I just forgot. But Daddy, don’t you know that I’m taking care of Mom? Do you even notice?

Aloud, she said, "I’m s-sorry, Sir. I should have realized that." Now the soup was ready and the toast was lightly buttered, and Tara wanted to get it upstairs to her mother before it got cold. But if she left now, would he think she was being disrespectful? Walking out on him?

She looked at him uncertainly. "Would you like some soup, Daddy? It’s tomato; home-made. And I could m-make you some toast?"

Did his expression soften, just slightly? "No, I’m heading back out to the barn. I’m fixing some machinery. Tell Donnie to come on out when he gets back downstairs."

"Yes, Sir. G-good luck with the machinery."

He turned to leave, and then paused in the doorway. Without looking back, he said, almost inaudibly, "Thank you." And then he was gone.

*****

Sitting in his hotel room, Donnie pulled out the small, silver key that would open the lock box. Moments later, he gazed down into the box’s contents and smiled.

"Daddy, you poor, dumb son of a bitch. What were you thinking?"

*****

Tara and Willow huddled under the comforter, Willow resting her head on Tara’s shoulder while Tara’s arms lay protectively about her. The room was redolent with sandalwood, sage, and the very singular scent of really, really hot sex between two women. Willow’s hand still nestled between Tara’s legs—half relaxed, half proprietary.

When Willow opened her eyes, she was greeted with the very exquisite sight of Tara’s breasts. And they’re mine, all mine! Even in this sleepy state, she was consummately aware that if anyone tried to horn in on her babe, she’d reduce them to ash.

"Tasty Tara Tater-Tots," she mumbled. A low rumble of laughter answered this random observation.

"Tater-Tots? Are you hungry?" The arms tightened slightly; Willow felt a gentle kiss nuzzle the top of her head.

She pulled herself slowly to wakefulness. "You…Your body. All the sweet, savory parts…They’re tasty Tara Tater-Tots. And they’re all mine." She pulled back slightly to look up into Tara’s eyes. "Nobody gets to eat you but me."

"Well look at you…Ma’am, yes Ma’am." Tara’s eyes belied the gentleness behind the teasing. I never dreamed that someone would ever want me all to herself. And never somebody like Willow. "Rest assured that ‘Tara’s Terrace of Tender, Tantalizing Tater-Tots’ only has one table, for one customer."

"Truly?"

"Trust me."

"Totally."

They lay in silence for a few minutes, each woman musing at first over other phrases they could use to prolong the consonance. Then their minds wandered back to the events of the day. In Sunnydale, it was hard to keep the Metro section of one’s mental newspaper at too great a distance.

"I wonder how Buffy’s doing tonight? I mean, God, how did she feel when she first saw Dawn, knowing she’s the Key?" Willow frowned, and burrowed more deeply into Tara’s warmth.

She heard Tara sigh. "I don’t know, Will. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for her…not just with Dawn, but with her mom, too."

Wrapping her arms more tightly over Tara’s belly, Willow murmured, "You were great tonight. Being there for Buffy…"

"Oh, Sweetie…Thank you. I think we all sort of make this…I don’t know, mosaic, I guess, where we each try to add some piece that we believe we’re good at. And the end product usually works pretty well, but it’s because we’ve each given something unique."

Willow sighed. "God, metaphors make me hot."

"Well, you have your own endless supply of Tater-Tots right here," Tara laughed.

"Tara Tater-Tots," Willow admonished her. "Don’t be fooled by cheap imitations." She nuzzled Tara’s breasts and grinned like the supremely happy woman she was.

After a while, Willow broached another difficult subject—not because she wanted to, but because it was still hovering over them. "Baby, are you worried about Donnie? He didn’t contact you today, did he?"

Tara’s hands stilled just briefly on her back before resuming their gentle tracing. "No, he didn’t try to find me after class or leave a message or anything." She sighed, a mixture of anxiety and sadness. "I’m hoping it means that he went back to Cold Springs, but I’m sort of afraid to believe it."

"But why, Tara? Why would he spend so much time and energy trying to get you to come back, if that’s what he’s doing? The two of you weren’t exactly close." She shifted, moving to lay face to face with Tara.

"Since when do you go for understatement, Willow?" Tara’s attempt at a smile left much to be desired.

"No, we’re definitely not close. I can’t bring myself to say I hate him, because I just don’t want to invite that kind of energy into my life; but he’s the only person I’ve ever wanted to hate, or thought I hated."

"So why’s he doing this?" Willow was truly perplexed. She could feel Donnie’s antipathy radiate off of him in the Magic Shop and outside of the Espresso Pump. True, he must have hated the idea of her being so independent and assertive, but it seemed that he would also want her as far away from him as possible. Wouldn’t he?

Tara was silent, and remained silent, until Willow felt a cold horror start to spread over her. She felt almost paralyzed with the force of it.

Oh, goddess, no. Please, not that.

Should she ask? Would it be intrusive? Or would her silence, her decision not to ask directly, lead Tara to think that she couldn’t handle such a revelation? She spoke softly, and tentatively.

"Baby, you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to, but I can hear whatever you need to say." She took a deep breath. "Baby…Did Donnie molest you?"

Tara’s face seemed almost unbearably sad, and then she shook her head, very slightly.

"Actually, that’s about the only thing he didn’t do, Willow. I guess he gets points for that."

Willow propped herself up on one elbow, hot waves of anger washing through her. "No, he certainly gets no points for not molesting his sister. You don’t commend a wife-beater for not breaking any bones."

She loves me. She loves me so fiercely.

"I know, Sweetie; I was just trying...No, Donnie doesn’t get points for much of anything. But he didn’t molest me," she added.

Willow touched Tara’s face gently. "You know that even if he had, it wouldn’t change my feelings for you; that you would still be my Tara, right?" She felt, intuitively, that this was very important, and she desperately wanted Tara to believe her.

"Yes, I know that, my love. And I know that you would change Donnie into a mongoose if I asked you to."

"I was thinking more along the lines of a hog, just before heading off to market." She pulled Tara next to her, cradling her in her arms.

"It’s just…goddess, Willow, he was so cruel and I never, ever knew why. I tried to tell myself that it was just typical sibling teasing; big brother stuff. But I knew…I knew that he really wanted to hurt me; that he would have been more than happy if I—if I weren’t around."

Willow felt her stomach lurch again. "Tara, Baby, did he try—try to hurt you really bad? Like…endanger you?" Without thinking, she tightened her arms around her beloved, as if the current protection could undo the past assaults.

Tara spoke so softly that Willow could barely hear her. "No…He didn’t try to kill me. But I’m pretty sure he wanted me dead."

Willow felt a ripple of incredulous horror. What would it be like, knowing that someone who was supposed to love you wanted you dead? How could the world ever look normal to you?

She could only murmur, "My sweet Baby…I—I don’t know what to say."

She felt Tara smile against her skin. "Neither did I, for eighteen years. I was always trying to find the right words, the words to make it stop, but I never could."

"Do you have any idea why? I mean, not that there’s any justification for it; it’s just…God, that kind of anger, and from someone who shares your genes. Tara, you’re the gentlest person I’ve ever known. How could the two of you be siblings? How could he ever be mad at you?"

Tara edged back slightly, enough to look Willow in the face. "Maybe I was the only one he could get mad at; the only one who couldn’t fight back." She tucked her head back snugly against Willow’s chest. "But somehow that doesn’t seem…enough, you know? I mean, it feels like there’s more; like there’s something so…personal about it."

Willow could think of nothing to say to this. The idea of anyone hating Tara, especially anyone who had spent more than five minutes with her, was simply incomprehensible to her.

"Was he this angry with your mom and dad?" She desperately wanted to understand what had happened to Donnie, why he was who he was. He was Tara’s brother, and Willow would have been intrigued by him for that reason if no other. But he had hurt Tara; hurt the kindest, truest soul she had ever encountered. That made it almost imperative for her to understand it all, because if she understood, she could hopefully help protect Tara.

"Oh, he never raised his voice to Dad. He spent almost all his time with him, helping on the farm. You know, I’m almost sure Dad beat Donnie on a pretty regular basis. There were lots of times when I’d be outside for whatever reason and I’d see Donnie holding one arm funny, or looking like he was trying not to cry. Dad ruled that world with an iron fist."

"That world?" Willow echoed Tara’s words.

"The world outside the house; the farm and the land. Dad gave the orders and Donnie followed them; I did, too. But inside, in the house…It was almost like there was another set of rules, at least for Donnie and for Dad. Nobody ever said it out loud, but Mom was the authority in the house, and she didn’t get it through raising her voice or using a belt or anything like that."

Willow was fascinated. Tara had never spoken at such length about her family before, and Willow was almost afraid to breathe, lest she somehow interrupt Tara’s narrative and silence her.

"Donnie knew that Dad would never tolerate him being disrespectful to Mom, so I never heard him say anything in anger. I’m—I’m not sure exactly what Donnie felt towards Mom, but he didn’t say anything that would get him into trouble." Tara was silent for a moment, and Willow forced herself to remain quiet as well.

"And Daddy…I swear, Willow, I think he was almost afraid of her. I don’t mean physically afraid of her, like she would just up and pull a gun on him some day. It was like she had some power over him and he didn’t like it but he wouldn’t, or couldn’t, do anything about it."

Now Willow’s mind was buzzing even as her heart held onto the ache she felt for her beloved. Power? But Tara’s dad knew that his wife wasn’t a demon, didn’t he? Although Tara had said that she didn’t think it was physical in nature. So what was it?

Now Tara fell silent again, until Willow began to wonder if she had fallen asleep. Just as she was about to try to shift slightly, to look at Tara’s face, she heard her voice wafting up to her again.

"It’s just so…so sad, Willow…We were supposed to be a family, and now look at us." She sighed heavily against Willow’s chest.

After a moment, Willow let herself venture a question. "Baby, your mom sounds like such an incredible woman." She felt a tiny smile curving into her skin. "But—Tara, why didn’t she protect you from Donnie?"

She felt Tara stiffen, and wished she hadn’t broached something that clearly brought Tara pain. "Tara, Baby, you don’t have to answer that; I mean, I’m sorry if it sounds like I was blaming your mom—"

"No, it’s OK. I’d ask the same thing if our positions were reversed." Tara shifted and sat up slightly, looking evenly at Willow. "I truly don’t think she knew, Willow. Goddess knows I never told—"

"But why?" Willow broke in, and instantly regretted doing so. Who was she to question Tara’s decisions, the decisions of a frightened, abused child? "Tara, I’m sorry. I—I guess I keep wanting to…to read some version of this where it doesn’t happen, and I keep trying to think of how it could have been avoided." She broke off, and stroked Tara’s cheek softly. "But it couldn’t have been avoided—not by anything you could have done. I know that."

Tara gave Willow a gentle kiss, and then pulled back, looking at her with eyes that suddenly seemed much older than they had an hour ago.

"I didn’t tell Mom, because the only time I threatened to, Donnie flat-out swore he’d kill me if I did." Her voice was flat, matter-of-fact. Willow, by contrast, couldn’t speak at all.

"And then he hit me once more, hard—right in the stomach. After that, I gave up the idea of telling Mom."

Willow finally found her voice. "Do you think she had any idea?"

"I’m not sure… I think so, because she talked about that kind of stuff, indirectly, a couple of times. But I always said no. I wanted to tell her, I wanted to so badly; but there was no way I was going to risk it. I knew he’d find me." Her voice softened again, became almost inaudible. "Just like he’s found me now."

Willow felt her heart squeeze with a sense of rage and protectiveness so piercing so that it burned. When she trusted herself to speak, she said, "He won’t hurt you, Tara. I will never let him hurt you." To herself, she added a silent vow: I’ll hurt him first if I have to.


*****

Cold Springs is a dull town, by anyone’s standards. It’s the kind of place where there’s not much to distract you besides your own company after your work’s done and the sun goes down. You have a lot of time to think in places like Cold Springs.

Beth Maclay was thinking now. She was nearly always thinking, always had been. Life had been harder to her, she knew, than to Tara or Donnie. Her own father—Uncle Nathan’s brother—had run off and left her and her mother almost ten years ago, and for awhile her mother had let herself go. Barely kept a clean house; had any number of men coming around. Some had treated her mother with something approximating kindness; others had been unabashed in their singular intentions. Still others—the worst ones—had seemed to enjoy being around Beth almost as much as her mother. She cringed at the thought.

And then her mother had found God, and God had surely never been the same. Her mother dragged her to a church just outside of Cold Springs for awhile, an evangelical place that held tent revivals and encouraged speaking in tongues. Beth could still feel the unforgiving wooden pews of the church; she could still feel the fear and eventually the embarrassment she’d felt when her mother joined in the more histrionic paroxysms of Christian piety.

Finally her mother had eased back to a place just this side of frenzied in her faith, and starting attending the Cold Springs First Baptist Church. (To Beth’s knowledge, there wasn’t a second and certainly not a third Baptist church in the little town; she wasn’t quite sure what the competition was all about.) Gradually, her mother’s beliefs became her own and Beth attended the church now with something akin to true devotion. It was the church that her Uncle Nathan attended, which made it good enough for her.

Uncle Nathan was the father she should have had, she knew. She suspected that her father had run off because her mother had gotten lazy and fat; maybe she hadn’t been a wife to him in all the ways that she was supposed to. But she also remembered her father as an angry, red-faced man who was drunk much of the time. Uncle Nathan, by contrast, was never out of control. He didn’t let his emotions get the best of him; he didn’t run around making a scene at bars or revivals. He was a good man, and yet Tara apparently thought she was too good for him. This angered her greatly.

Now Donnie was down in Sunnydale, trying to convince Tara to come back. "But she doesn’t belong here," Beth muttered to herself, rinsing out the frying pan she’d just washed. "She never did."

So why had she helped Donnie by giving him Uncle Nathan’s lock box, something that Uncle Nathan would surely never forgive her for if he ever found out?

Because Donnie had said Uncle Nathan would be grateful to her. Donnie had as much as said that Tara didn’t belong with their family; that Beth was the daughter Uncle Nathan deserved.

But what was in the box? She’d shaken it gently, without an ounce of self-consciousness, but she hadn’t been able to discern anything. A mild rustling; something sliding back and forth across the bottom of the box. She’d been afraid to try anything more strenuous, for fear that she’d break something. She still had no clue of what Donnie had been so eager to get his hands on. She only knew that he was sure it would have a huge impact on Tara and her decision.

She should have held out for more information. She should have made him tell her what was in the box before she agreed to give it to him. But he’d been so persuasive, assuring her that Uncle Nathan would appreciate her part in all of this.

Beth loved her mother in a kind of distant, obligatory way that held more than a hint of distaste. Her mother was still so lost, so bereft, and always complaining to anyone who’d listen (and to lots of folks who wouldn’t) that her life had been so hard since her husband had left…raising her daughter all alone, trying to keep her fed and clothed, trying to give her good morals. Beth thought this was self-serving hogwash. Between her mother’s whoring and her Holy-rolling, Beth figured she’d pretty much raised herself.

And now she was living in a warm, comfortable house with someone she could be proud to call a father. And Donnie…Well, she’d have to keep her eye on Donnie. She sensed that he saw more than she wanted him to see when he looked at her. She was used to being the one who could walk around unnoticed and see where the openings were. But Donnie had that skill in a different way.

Reaching for a drying towel, Beth decided that she would make Donnie her ally of sorts, at least for the time being. "Keep your friends close, and keep your enemies closer," her father used to say in his drunken voice, as if he were imparting words of great wisdom. Well, maybe he had been. As a Christian woman, Beth didn’t like to think of herself as someone who would have enemies, or feel uncharitably toward someone. But there was Uncle Nathan to consider, and he’d been through enough already—first losing his wife, and then his daughter acting that way. Staying as close to the Maclay household as she could—it was the right thing to do.

*****

That night, Beth dreamt of a family picture, and Uncle Nathan saying, "Come on in here, Beth. You belong in this picture."

Donnie dreamt of a blond woman who never looked at him, just kept walking away from him, even though he yelled at her and begged her to turn around. She finally stopped, and he thought for a moment she might come back to him, but then her hair turned red and in his mind he could hear her saying, "That’s much better. That’s the way it’s supposed to be."

Buffy dreamt of bimbos in high heels pounding on her door, until Dawn told her, "It’s OK, I’ll get it. I know it’s for me."

Willow dreamt of walking on stacks and stacks of magic books back through time until she stood in front of Tara’s house and whispered, "Tara—come with me. I’m here to save you," and then a little blond girl appeared in the window, fighting back tears and mouthing words that Willow couldn’t understand.

And Tara dreamt of walking into her room to find Donnie looking through her spell book. He turned and grinned at her and said, "Cat’s out of the bag, Little Sister," and then he plunged their father’s hunting knife into his own stomach and winked at her as he slid to the floor.



To Be Continued



Edited by: AntigoneUnbound at: 2/4/03 9:25:50 pm

[The Rose24]

Wow. This is a painful read. Tara deserves happiness, and I know she will get it someday.

Tara: My heart doesn't stutter.


Tara: Willow, I got so lost.

Willow: I found you. I will always find you.

[Patches]

Hey Mary (Queen of Scots)



What a great night – two updates from my two favourite writers; and between the two of you, I think I’m going to need therapy before the night is through. Well now, that was a gripping update. Holy smokes!!



Okay, what did Tara Do? Yes, I’m wondering that also. What is it in the Maclay family past that created this dynamic? Tossing on the speculation cap, I am wondering, along with Willow “how could you be siblings?” A part of me suspects the answer to this query will reveal a secret. Perhaps the explanation lies in the Nathan Maclay’s box. Regardless, I still what to know – What’s in the friggin’ box already???? lol



As you reveal more of Donnie’s character, I’m liking him less and less. He’s had many opportunities to learn that the black box of his existence has doors and windows, which are opened to him. He remains locked in his cage by choice. Environment is only a part of character; he has chosen to let it define him fully.



Mary (Queen of Scots), the alliterations were hilarious, such a happy moment between Willow and Tara, very defining; such joy in those small moments (and a great deal of laughter for me). Though, I kinda took a rapid downward spiral after the next bit.



Now comes the hard part. I said you handle sensitive issues with great care, and here especially this is true. When Willow said “Oh, goddess, no. Please, not that” I held my breath until it was answered – that is a kind of terror that hurts deeper than the leather of any belt or fist ever could. God, it just gives me the creeps even thinking about it. To be truthful, my mind was screaming to you – don’t go there! I’m glad you didn’t.



I am very touched by Willow’s question and by her responses, by her openness and acceptance of Tara, by her protectiveness and most of all by her love.



Oh, poor ‘grass is always greener’ Beth. I don’t like much about her character either – she just seems so whiney, petty and irritating. Guess I’m not in much of a charitable mood tonight. However, I do understand her place in the story and in the dynamic of the extended family.



And finally, the dreams: “To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub” – okay, I’m just going to leave that as, disturbing, very very disturbing (especially if you are using the dreams as foreshadowing.)



Thanks for such a great update, and story – and we’re into more of: Mary, you rock!!



Cheers!!

Patches

You know I've heard about people like me. But I never made the connection. They walk one road to set them free, And find they've gone the wrong direction. But there's no need for turning back 'cause all roads lead to where I stand. And I believe I'll walk them all No matter what I may have planned

[Little M]

Oh my the dreams They make my stomach all rumbly.......I'm sure there's some prophetic element in them

------------------

'I go online sometimes, but everyone's spelling is really bad..it's depressing' - Tara



Amber Online www.amberbenson-online.cjb.net

[Grimlock72]

Evaluating dreams is tricky, but why would Tara dream about Donnie ? Is that something he did back home and blamed her for it ? Not much Donnie can do with a spellbook either way.



For some reason Donnie wants his sister (Tara) to come back but she changes to Willow walking away ? Thats twisting history for a fair bit I would say. There's a REASON Tara went away to Sunnydale Uni. after all.



Stil can't pinpoint why Donnie is so angry, at Tara or the entire world. Did Donnie ever behave nice towards Tara when they were both young ? Or perhaps he behaved very not-nice and thats what both his parents were trying to correct in different ways ? Hmm....



I soooo very much agree with Willow's thoughts in this update. I like her being all protective and concerned. Fully agree with this quote too:

Quote:

---

I keep wanting to.to read some version of this where it doesn't happen, and I keep trying to think of how it could have been avoided

---

which fits nicely into Willows dream. As far as 'hurt him first' goes, it's a good strategy in this case although Tara likely wont agree. We can be reasonably sure Donnie is going to do something bad to either Tara or Willow, so getting him drunk and leaving him in an alley after dark is merely being precautious



Oh yeah, I like feisty Willow.... she's rather possesive about certain body parts too I noticed



Grimmy

"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[Tulipp]

I wasn't going to read this until tonight; I was going to go read Beowulf and grade papers. But then I started, and I couldn't stop. These last two updates are so precisely characterized; I'm just so impressed. It's as if a character seems to be standing still, but as we see that character through a variety of perspectives, the character is rotating slightly so that we are always seeing that new thing on the edge...a corner of shirt, a stray piece of hair, the twist of a smile that you can't see straight on. This was especially true for me in this last chapter with Nathan...he is capable of something approximating gratitude or tenderness at moments, but it never quite takes.



Also, I loved Willow's line about metaphors making her hot, and the dreams in the end seemed perfect. Those dreams just jolted that undercurrent of violence and threat up a notch, and I have no doubt that there are portents there.



Beautiful writing. Thanks.

"And I'm eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned!" -- Willow in "Doppelgangland

[JustSkipIt]

Mary, as usual your writing is both beautiful and horrifying. It seems to me that this part is primarily concerned with the development of an individual. Of three individuals: Donnie, Tara, and Beth. And the questions that accompany those developments.



Why is Donnie so sick? So sadistic? So sad and hurt? I'm not saying that he's not a bad guy because he is. But I am very impressed with the way you are saying without saying that he is filled with pain and anguish. I'd say that's probably why most monsters are monsters. (not buffyverse monsters, our world monsters). They are filled with pain and anguish. Of course another part of what is so disturbing about that is that any two people may react and grow and develop entirely differently from the same experience. So it's possible that Tara's mother treated both children entirely the same initially but that one reacted warmly to it and the other recoiled or sensed judgement. Then of course we have the introduction of the treatment Donnie surely suffered at the hands of Nathan.



On the other hand, Beth is sick in an entirely different way. She had a different set of experiences and judgements and grew another direction. But she's still as lost and lonely and needy as Donnie.



And then we have Tara. Who grew entirely differently but exists in a state of perpetual pain. Yes, I believe that her relationship with Willow is healing and loving, particularly as you depict it here. And at the same time, her pain is a deep-seated truth of her reality.



So you have created an incredible part where not much happens really but so many gears set in motion. So much angst sits here and is rolling forward. I'm babbling but your writing is still and "terror-able" at the same time.



Debra

---

"Love involves a peculiar, unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding." -- Diane Arbus

---

"War may be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary it is always evil." - President Jimmy Carter after receiving the Nobel Peace Prize

[Sela]

As I was reading this update, the word "perspective" kept popping into my head. It's all about perspective for these characters, particularly the Maclay's. In this part, you showed us Beth's very skewed perspective. She grew up with a drunken absentee father and a mother with an obsessive, self-pitying personality. So to her, being with Nathan Maclay and Donnie is like living in Disneyland. The problem is, she doesn't realize that there could be more to her life if she allowed herself to embrace other possibilities. It'd be easy to say she's content with being the "little woman," but it's obvious she's not. There's something still missing, otherwise she wouldn't be helping Donnie with his scheme. She's placing her own value in the satisfaction of others. It's not healthy. But then again, this isn't a healthy bunch of individuals. I like that she's also so completely clueless with respect to Donnie's plan. She thinks she's playing him like a fiddle. She sees him as a means to an end. It's just a shame that she's not sharp enough to see that the end they're spiraling toward is destructive. Oh, and I loved the bit about being a Christian woman. Yeah, she'd love to think she was charitable,kind, and hospitable. This actually reminds me of Mary and Martha. Beth is hopelessly Martha, aiming to please and fulfilling her duties but always falling short because she's unable to be open-hearted and real.



The little snippets you gave us of Donnie only prove how truly dangerous he is. I like that you were able to feed us more of his characterization without actually having a long section dedicated to his thought process. He became more frighteningly real through Tara's memories, her words, and Beth's thoughts. And why? Because it's other people's perspectives at work. While Donnie may see himself as some sort of champion, the rest of his family sees him either as a vile person or a slightly off-kilter individual.



And of course, I had to save the best for last. Willow and Tara's scene was just lovely. It's so hard for Tara to talk about her past. I understand her logic. The more you talk about something painful, the more real it becomes, and sometimes, the truth is just too hard to deal with. But I love that you stayed true to the character. She didn't blow up or speak with anger. She was recounting, yes, but not with overwhelming hatred. That one line especially about "not allowing that kind of energy" into her life or something to that effect was just so Tara. She doesn't have that negativity in her. She realizes that hatred is a useless feeling because it ultimately destroys the person who harbors it. She's such a wise person. And Willow...so sweet and protective of her girl. That's true love at work. And you've shown that so very well. I only wonder how she will react when Donnie's plan unfolds. She tends to go into hyper-mode when Tara is in danger. Though, I suspect, she's in just as much danger as Tara.



Thanks for this, Mary. I look forward to the next update.



--Sela

[samiamiguess]

Oh Mary,

Quote:

---

. I never dreamed that someone would ever want me all to herself. And never somebody like Willow.

---

In the warmth and comfort of Willow, Tara can admit this. We all want love. We all need love. Regardless of what we do to convince ourselves otherwise. However, to feel that you are unlikely or indeed unworthy of such love is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. To think that it is your fault, that you have done something that makes you underserving of love from those you would normally expect it must be soul destroying. Yet Tara hasn't been destroyed. She simply held all the love she had. But to me you touched on something here that I was very glad to see. Blame. You allowed Willow to vocalise

Quote:

---

and I keep trying to think of how it could have been avoided." She broke off, and stroked Tara’s cheek softly. "But it couldn’t have been avoided—not by anything you could have done. I know that."

---

You have such emotion going on here that it would be easy for us to be led into blaming the way Tara, Donnie and Beth turned out but it is essential that Tara hears that she was not to blame for the hatred or the hurt. We can all look back and say, but why didn't you do that? But these are children and there to be protected. And loved. Ok babble babble babble. The clarity and depth of your writing is making this an immensely moving piece. The humour and pain equally palpable. Oh and I loved Buffy's dream. Bimbos in high heels for Dawn huh? Good going Mary. You are a writing majesty. Long may you reign.

Sonya

[SySnootles]

Unbelieveably moving. What a wonderful chapter. But also painful. And beautifully written. I can't wait for the next chapter. Thank you for sharing this wonderful story.

[darkmagicwillow]

Nathan's intrigued me throughout this story as he's at the root of the conflicts and secrets of the Maclay family, yet he's so quiet that we find out very little about him directly. Or even indirectly until now when we get three views on him in this chapter--Tara's, Donnie's, and Beth's.



I loved that painful moment of almost connection of Tara's offer of soup and Nathan's almost inaudible "Thank you," but I was suspicious when it was followed by Donnie's scornful comments about Nathan's foolishness regarding the secret of the box. Given these comments, Beth's shaking of the box, and Tara's dream, I think it contains evidence that will force Tara to accept some revelation about her family that Donnie knows she'll hate.



I'm sure that the secret will somehow be as nasty and twisted as Donnie's mind. However, perhaps it also will be something to not only explain the enigma of why Donne is so hateful, but also why Nathan relates to his family the way he does: his beating of Donnie, his ignoring of Tara, and his submission to the quiet authority of his wife. Donnie's dream and some of the comments about siblings throughout the story have made me wonder if the secret involves them not being full siblings, but if that's the secret, there's a dark reason why they're not as Donnie knows Tara would be relieved to know she's not his sister.



Beth's viewpoint is the most objective of the three, though it's necessarily colored by her own bad family history and it doesn't have the closeness of his children's viewpoints. In understanding why she wants Nathan to be her father, we can finally understand her, at least in so far as she understands herself as I wonder if there is more to her liking than his stoicism. Having my suspicions raised by the secret of the box, I also wonder if there are other, darker ties that connect the two families. Perhaps something involving her father's hunting knife from Tara's dream of Donnie? Beth's reasons for her father's disappearance feel naive, as does her understanding of her own reasons for staying as close to the Maclay household as she could.



Finally, leaving Nathan behind, I loved Willow's possessiveness and the bittersweet moment of Tara thinking she'd never find anyone who would ever want her all to herself. Tater-tots though? Great consonance, but eww, nasty memories of high school cafeteria food. (-;

--

"Omnia mutantur, nihil interit." -- "Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost."

Edited by: darkmagicwillow at: 2/5/03 8:21:43 am

[Grimaldi]

great update



Tasty Tara-Tater Tots was too funny



i wonder why Tara's dad was afraid of her mother and why in Tara's dream Donnie stabbed himself in the stomach after finding the spell book? and since it was his father's hunting knife that he used, could that be what is in the lock box?

You can't just go declaring shenanigans on innocent people, that's how wars get started!
I'm not stealing, I'm just taking things without paying for them. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?

[Grimlock72]

I forgot to add that I found the first part rather hard to read. Donnie pestering Tara for no good reason, making her feel bad. I also wondered if Nathan ever noticed all the work Tara did, *can* he actually say thank you ?



To see Tara asking herself whatever she did wrong to make Nathan angry with her... well that was gut-wrenching... awfully familiar pattern indeed. It is indeed highly amazing that Tara is still a nice and not-cynical as she is. Damn well a miracle to be exact.



How did she EVER manage to survive like she has ? Without appearantly developing much of a defense mechanism. Whatever her mother's fault, she at least took good care of Tara. Her being alive is the best proof of that, normal sibling rivelary does not extend to brother wanting sister dead... trust me on that one



Which makes me wonder once again if they ARE siblings in the first place. Hmm... I'm still assuming whatever is in the box is going to be used for something violent. Can't see Donnie getting enough satisfaction of just telling Tara some familly scandal, too subtle.



Grimmy

"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[AntigoneUnbound]

Feedback to Part 10



What can I say? I’m just amazed at the caliber of writing and thinking on this board. Thank you, as ever, for your time and thoughtfulness.



One note: It felt that the possibility of Donnie having molested Tara was an inescapable one, and I didn’t want to dodge that specter or imply oblivion or avoidance by never mentioning it. I considered making that part of the history in the Maclay family, but chose not to because (a) it would create a larger arc, or reach, than I see for this fic; and (b) I realize that this board is a place where people come to have some kind of respite from the disappointment of what’s happened on "that one show." Obviously, I’m writing some painful stuff here by virtue of Tara’s past and Donnie’s physical and emotional abuse, but I chose not to open up the additional pain of sexual abuse. In making this choice, I’m not trying to argue that any kind of abuse is worse or more worthy of outrage than another. This reflects both my own decision re: the scope of this story, and a decision not to add yet another element of pain to an already traumatic childhood. I hope that my rationale feels as legitimate and respectful as I intend it to be.



Now…To the individual feedback:



Rose: You’re absolutely right: Tara deserve happiness, and I promise she’ll find it here. Thanks for reading. I continue to be amazed at your reaction time in terms of giving feedback after an update is posted—you’re a quick one!



Patches: Hey, you’re using my royal name! I feel so…regal, somehow. Yes, you’re picking up on all the nuances that there’s more to the Maclay family history than Tara realizes, and that at least part of that will most definitely involve her in a way that Donnie anticipates will be painful to her. And I can appreciate your impatience: "What’s in the friggin’ box already???" OK, I’ll tell you, Patches. Lean in close to your screen, so nobody can hear…Ready? Tampons. Tampons are in the box, along with keepers, OB’s, and Maxi-Pads.



You make a very credible point re: Donnie’s character: he’s making choices to stay in his black box; and for those choices, he’s responsible.



And I suspect you’re not alone in being relieved that I didn’t add the horror of sexual abuse to an already traumatic past.



Beth? Yeah, she kind of intrigues me, though certainly not in the "I’d sure like to have coffee w/ her sometime" kinda way. I see her as very much a perspective giver, someone who has some degree of inherent interest on her own, but who especially lets us see Maclay family dynamics and history through different, more distant eyes.



And what’s with the dreams? I’m a therapist, and I dunno that I’d wanna interpret those! But I have to, b/c I’m writing the darn things.



Thanks for the incredible feedback, Patches. Your ideas and observations are always very interesting to read. And I appreciate the supportive words, too. You rock, Patches—no, you do!



Little M: Glad (in a sadistic kinda way, I guess) that the dreams make your stomach rumbly! Hopefully it’ll help prolong the interest in what those dreams mean! Thanks for reading and sending in the feedback.



Grimmy: Yes, Willow definitely considers Tara "hers" (in a healthy, still-has-good-boundaries kinda way) and that includes a strong element of protectiveness. I sort of see Willow as being bewildered and horrified at the level of active abuse in Tara’s past, b/c Willow’s own family was so incredibly distant. That kind of claustrophobic control is just a mystery.



And dreams, of course, are so wonderful b/c they permit such a range of speculation and hypothesizing. We all look at dreams, I think, and interpret them through the lens of what they would mean if we had dreamt them. So how much of each of these dreams reflects true past; how much reflects each person’s version of the past; how much reflects hopes and fears for the future, esp. as that future is influenced or dictated by the past? The character in Donnie’s dream isn’t necessarily Tara—we’ve never been told what color their mother’s hair was.



You raise great questions that perhaps have no definitive answer in asking how Tara turned out as healthy and kind as she did. I’ve always been fascinated by the fact that two people can be raised in almost identical ways, and turn out in such disparate ways. How does that happen? Yes, I suspected that it would be painful to read the first section, but it felt so important not to shy away from that b/c it’s true, and it’s true in so many homes everywhere. I wanted to provide a "you were there" sort of moment of a Maclay gathering of more than two people, which have been the predominant ones up until this point in the story.



And as for violent purposes within the box…Ah, we’ll just have to wait and see. Thanks for following the story, Grimmy, and taking the time to write such thoughtful feedback.



Tulipp: So glad to see you hear again! I always welcome your feedback with an eagerness that borders on the rabid, and so I got some shots from the vet today and I’m hoping that they’ll help with the foaming and lurching. (Insert image of rabid dog from "To Kill a Mockingbird" here.) I’m flattered that you chose this story over Beowulf, who could probably help out in the struggle with Donnie.



I loved your comments about perspectives (as always)—the idea of rotation, of seeing characters from different angles resulting in heightened shading or nuance. You’re right: Nathan can approximate gratitude, as if he almost feels it (or knows he should) or almost shows it…but not quite. And why?



Yes, there are portents a-foot, m’lady. I hope you like where they go. Thanks for your comments and ideas, Tulipp. I really do appreciate them.



Debra: Very observant feedback, girl! You must do some writing yourself, yes? I’m glad the emergence of these characters feels subtle, that I’m not hitting the readers over the head with "This is a good person, and this is a bad person." When I read something, I like to have a little wiggle room in discovering the character for myself. You raise great questions re: Tara’s mother’s treatment of her children. Did she treat them both identically, only to have Donnie (for what reason?) turn against her? If she treated them differently, why? And yes, Donnie was definitely abused by Nathan—what role does that play in his sadistic streak? You picked up on a tone that I really wanted to establish in this update: a sense of calm before the storm, of things impending. Thanks for your support and encouragement, Debra, as well as your great thoughts on character. You’re great.



Sela: Hey—glad to see you! You always give fantastic feedback, as I’ve mentioned before. Yes, it’s very much about perspective, and you’re dead-on about Beth: life with Nathan and family looks idyllic to her, considering the chaos and instability of her own family. What she interprets as stability and order, though, is actually iron-fisted control and repression. Be careful what you ask for, Beth…Yes, she’s clueless about Donnie and under the very misguided notion that she can play him, although I think she’s getting a disconcerting sense that she might be slightly wrong about that. I wanted to illuminate Donnie (preferably with a torch and some kerosene, but prose will do for now) through the Tara’s memories and Beth’s ruminations. I think you’re right: Donnie does see himself as something of a champion. How much horror has been wrought in the world in the name of "righteous vengeance"? I totally agree with you about the impact of giving voice to something in our past that we just want to go away: it makes it more real. And yes, that voicing eventually (I believe) shines a light in the dusty corners where the bad things hide and helps us cleanse ourselves of their impact, but the moments of revelation are just excruciating. You’re also right about Willow going into "hyper-mode" when Tara’s in danger—so how will she react to Donnie’s actions? Thanks for the wonderful feedback, Sela, and for the very astute observations re: these characters and their motivations.



Sonya: You have some excellent insight re: the role of blame in all of this. Yes, it’s important that Tara realize that she’s not to blame, but that she also doesn’t invest huge amounts of energy into hating Donnie and seeing him as the root of all evil everywhere. It’s definitely a balancing act, I think. Glad you liked the bimbos in high heels (in writing, anyway—dunno how you feel about them in RL). I actually debated inserting a mildly amusing phrase into a section that’s otherwise filled with foreboding and/or longing, but I did want to include Buffy’s own fear: that Dawn will be taken from her. Thanks for writing, Sonya—I always love seeing your name on the thread!



SySnootles: God, I love your name! I’m glad the chapter felt real to you, even if that reality was a painful one. I promise all will end well! Thanks for following the story and writing such supportive feedback.



DarkMagicWillow: Like you, I find Nathan very intriguing—he’s not all full of sound and fury, like Donnie, yet he clearly cast a shadow of gargantuan proportions over his children. His wife, however, seems to have been at least partially beyond his reach (of control, of domination)—how did she manage it? Yeah, I sort of ached when I envisioned Nathan standing in the doorway and barely murmuring "Thank you." Tulipp (above) has some good points about Nathan’s behavior here. For me, I want to avoid reducing any of these characters to one-dimensional stereotypes. Yes, Nathan is capable of abuse and for that he shouldn’t be excused. But what else does he feel? What keeps him from expressing it? I like your thoughts re: what’s in the box. They have a strong sense of how character relates to action in this story. Oh, and Tater Tots…Yes, I’m hoping that writing them helps me cope with my own cafeteria past. That’s why my next story will be entitled, "Tara Licks Orange Jello With Some Kind Of Weird-Ass Fruit On Top From Off Of Willow’s Breasts." Thanks for writing, DMW; I really enjoy your ideas on character and their nuances. I always appreciate them.



Grimaldi: I have to say, every time I see your avatar, I just sit for a moment and sigh longingly…Glad you liked the Tater Tots reference. The phrase actually just popped into my head for no earthly reason whatsoever (wasn’t eating; wasn’t hungry; don’t like Tater Tots) and I found the words so funny (who knows why) that I just popped into their dialogue. Thanks for reading and taking the time to write.



OK—that’s all for now.





Thanks again,

Mary

[Penrose Orleans]

Oh, Mary, you came through for me, just like I knew you would! I know it sounds horrible, but I hope that Tara did something at least a little awful to contribute to the family dynamic, since it's pretty clear that she can't be perfect... it was introduced in just the right way, too... not "Damn, that Tara's an evil one" or "Check out the Tara-flavored sin!" but rather subtly, in shades of gray. You learn a lot more when you screw up than when everyone tells you to just forget it... it doesn't have to be major, or even an action... just something to make sure that she never forgets what happened there... OK, this might be from the too much depressing Hobbes. Have I told you yet how much I love this story? Beth's got depth, Nathan's got depth, Mrs. Maclay has depth, and no one is innocent. Also loved Willow's emotional support, especially the loving way they interact together- togetherness is, after all, the basis of a relationship...



Again with the loving of the past perspectives, also... Beth sees a family dynamic that the others don't, and the dreams are both incredibly useful/deep and not like a blow to the head/too obvious (this was helped w/ the integration of the Buffy and Willow dreams, so as to make it a general feeling of foreboding). By the way, if I ever start to not make sense (like I might have done in that last parenthetical), let me know and I'll try and clarify...



Looking forward to more plot twists, though I hope to see a continuation of the themes of flaws and redemption, two of my extra-favorite themes! Till next update, Your Bitch, Nora



Edited because I spell like an intelligence-impaired flying squirrel on crack...then again to add a sentence of clarification. -Nora

"The sound of laughter is like the vaulted dome of a temple of happiness."



"No matter how much we scorn it, kitsch is an integral part of the human condition."-Milan Kundera

Edited by: Penrose Orleans at: 2/6/03 10:26:36 pm