Spoiler Warning - It starts from Seeing Red and then completely veers off.
Disclaimer - All characters, names and some dialogue etc belong to Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon. However, due to improper usage and gross mishandling of characters and plot lines by aforementioned parties, it is with great pleasure that I (and all the other writers on the board) use them for the reading pleasure of kittens everywhere.
Rating - PG
Feedback - Yes, please. Here or you could e-mail me.
Notes - I have unfortunately misplaced my beta reader (*waves to Owl, who is probably in Moscow*). So if anyone else would like to voluntarily subject themselves to my atrocious sentence structure and grammar as well as be a sounding board for the story, please, please, please e-mail me. I started writing this on a business trip in Tokyo under the influence of too much sake. Chapter two should probably be finished on my trip to Cambodia this week. Hopefully you want a chapter 2….
Title : I Dream of Thee
Chapter 1
'Another beautiful day and what a view!', Willow thought to herself as she tried to pry her eyes away from Tara, who had just finished dressing. Willow couldn't help but noticed how well the jeans hugged the curves of the blonde. The same curves she had spent the better part of the past thirty-six hours re-acquainting herself with. She still could not believe that Tara had come back into her life and that they had been able to connect on a physical and emotional level. It all seemed like a beautiful dream. But it had indeed happened and they were getting dressed in their room once again.
They still had not had 'the talk'. The one in which she had to apologize for all the wrongs she had done and the one where she would promise to love, cherish and never lie to Tara ever again. Willow knew that despite the brave speech that Tara had made two nights ago, she was still afraid. But her love for Willow had over-ruled her fear. And it was that love that had caused her to throw caution to the wind and to take Willow in her arms and show her how much they meant to each other. Just thinking of it made Willow's knees go weak. She had thought that the magic she had wielded made her strong but Tara's recent actions had proven that she was indeed the strong one. She could look beyond the grave mistakes that Willow had made and had returned to support and love her. Willow would not let her down again. It would be a new start for the both of them, without magic but with each other.
'Hey. Clothes.' Willow grinned at her lover as Tara tried to look innocent.
Tara wasn't even sure if her feet were on the ground or if she was still floating - she felt like she was still floating. The minute she had seen Willow sitting on the bed looking forlorn, she had known that coming over was the right thing to do. She hadn't even used the speech that she had rehearsed on the way over. Instead, she spoke from her heart. The words were not important, her presence and the leap of faith she had taken by being there was enough. By leaving Willow, she had proven that she was strong but she knew that by coming back then, that would be the greatest test of her strength. Willow needed her and she needed Willow. They were a part of each other and that was the only certainty in her life. From that moment on, she had silently vowed to always be by Willow's side. And despite not saying it out loud, she knew in her heart that Willow had made the same promise. It was conveyed through each kiss Willow bestowed on her or each caress they shared. 'Yes, she was definitely still floating'
"Don't get too used to them."
Tara had always loved the physical relationship she had shared with Willow. It had allowed her to express her love in ways she could not articulate. But she had surprised herself with her insatiable need to show Willow just how much the redhead had meant to her. It had resulted in the two of them spending the better part of the last thirty-six hours in various stages of undress. The fact that they still had to deal with Warren was the only thing that caused them to get up and get dressed that morning. It felt like Christmas and her birthday all rolled into one and Willow as her present. She one she could unwrap. Or in this case, undress.
'Yes, ma'am.' Willow could not keep her hands off Tara. It was as if they were opposite poles of a magnet. Always gravitating towards each other. She wished she had a poetic soul so that she could provide a description of their attraction more fittingly. She remembered Tara once reciting a poem to her. She couldn't remember it in its entirety but the one line that was most apt had stayed in her mind. She thought of it now as she pulled Tara towards her 'For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings. That then I scorn to change my state with kings.' She wouldn't trade places with anyone. She was just where she wanted to be, now and always, with Tara in her arms.
"Mmmm... Xander." Tara wanted to get lost in the kiss, but the sight of Xander in the back garden warmed her heart. The Scoobies had to work together if they wanted to triumph against Warren and his gang or against Willow's addiction. Infighting would only weaken them in the face of the enemy. She had realized that leaving Willow to fight her black magic addiction alone was not the answer. They would have to do it together. Willow needed her support and she most definitely needed Willow's presence in her life. Likewise, the Scoobies needed to work together if they were to beat Warren and his gang.
"Okay, not quite the response I was fishing for." Willow leaned in to savor the scent of Tara. The lingering smell of the vanilla bath oil mixed with the unmistakable smell of arousal and love was intoxicating. She really didn't mind if Tara had called out the name of every one of the Scoobies. The taste of her lips was promise enough that they truly belonged together.
"No, he's here." Tara giggled. The thought that Xander could actually supplant Willow in her mind was funny. Nothing could ever erase the memory of Willow. Willow was coded in her essence, an inextricable part of her soul. Even if she forgot everything she had ever learnt, she would never be able to forget Willow.
"Think they're making up?" For the first time in a long while, Willow finally felt at peace. For the longest time since Buffy first sacrificed herself, she had felt askew. Her world had crumbled around her and her only anchor was Tara. But even then, she had felt unworthy and frightened. They had counted on her - to fix the Buffybot, to lead the Scoobies, to take Buffy's place. In the end, she did the only thing she could, she made a deal with a Demon and brought Buffy back. She had to tell Tara about that and soon, but not today. Today was for new beginnings and family. There would be time for recriminations later.
"I hope so. That's the best part." Tara said with complete sincerity and joy. Her face suffused with the light from the sun. She looked absolutely serene. Willow wished she could savor every moment that Tara had looked upon her. Those times were priceless and they made her feel special, unique and alive. She hoped those moments would never end. Every time she saw Tara, her entire being would focus on the blonde. All external sounds and distractions would fade away, allowing her to focus only on Tara. The way she moved, her expressions, the cadence of her words.
She never heard Warren's angry voice or Xander's anguish cry. The shot through the window was unexpected and unbelievable. The warm splatter of blood on her face and torso was the only indication of a moment gone terribly wrong. Willow wished then that she didn't have an eidetic memory. She wished the scene would never be replayed in her mind. The incongruity of the moment before, being one of the happiest of her life to the moment later of seeing Tara shot was overwhelming. Time seemed to slow down and she blinked, hoping that within that nanosecond, the scene before her would change, but all she could see was Tara's eyes and the light dying in them. All she heard was Tara's gentle voice.
"Your shirt….."
There was no prolonged pain. In fact, it was the visual stimulus of seeing her blood on Willow that prompted her words. The split second of certainty that she would be forced to leave Willow was overwhelming her consciousness. Even as she was pitching forward, she sent up a prayer to the Goddess that she would have the strength to stay by Willow’s side. But she could feel the coldness spreading and the feeling of infinite grief take over. Her last sight was that of Willow's incomprehension and underlying sorrow.
"Tara?" Instinctively knowing something was not right and acknowledging the fact was almost impossible for Willow. She needed Tara to answer her. She needed Tara to be there by her side.
"Tara? Come, on baby. Get up. Please. Tara..." Her need and entreaty should have been enough to anchor Tara. She had to believe that. They had promised not to lose each other. They were destined to be together, always. Tara's body still warm in her hands, her hair fanning out around her face - she looked asleep. But the feeling of loss was already beginning to permeate Willow's soul. Utter desolation mixed with anger and disbelief.
"No... no... no..." It wasn't a chant but the complete inability to accept the situation. Something had to be done. The moment in time had to be retracted and despite past promises, magic had to be used. The rage and grief she was feeling could be harnessed. It could be used to bring Tara back from the unknown. She could feel the magic tendrils curling around her mind and spirit. Ignoring the warm blood seeping into the carpet, Willow concentrated on the one thing foremost in her mind, the preternatural harnessing of enough magic to bring Tara back.
"Come back. Come back..."it had to work, there was no other choice. She could feel the dark magic coursing through her veins, surging and pushing at the current tableau. She could see the strands of magic try and wrap itself around her beloved. But it wasn't enough.
"Oh God. no-- Please, please...Come on, come on... Tara! Come back, baby..." she could feel her plea falling on deaf ears and knew that she had to take more drastic measures - measures that would require payment. She had done it for Buffy and there would be no doubt that she would do it for Tara.
Intuitively, she began to channel her focus once again, not on Tara, but on a summoning spell. She needed a spell that would enable her to make a deal with the Demon Gods. She could feel the dark forces gathering around her, she recognized the power swirling like a mist around and through her. It was time.
"By Osiris, I command you! Bring her back!. Hear me! Keeper of darkness….." Willow was trying to keep the desperation from seeping through. She had to bargain with Osiris from a position of strength, she had to be able to offer the Demon something of value as she did with Buffy's resurrection.
"Witch! How dare you invoke Osiris in this task?"
"Please. Please... Bring her back…" She hoped that her pleading tone would sway the Demon and allow her access to Osiris and his resurrection powers.
"You may not violate the laws of natural passing-"
"How? How is this natural?" Tara was not suppose to die, they were suppose to be together always. It was not right and she needed to correct the mistake. Osiris had the means to reverse the situation and she would offer anything to do that.
"It is a human death, by human means."
"But I…" She had to make it see, had to make it understand that she was willing to offer anything, do anything for this one spell
"You raised one killed by mystical forces. This is not the same - she is taken by natural order. It is done."
"No. There's got to be a way…., I would give anything, do anything, Please…" Willow could feel the Demon considering her request.
"You have already offered your soul for the Slayer's return, what more is there?"
"I offered my soul for 10 years… you can have it forever. Please, please bring her back. It wasn't her time. This isn't right" Willow bargained with the only thing she knew would interest the Demon. She didn't want to think of the consequences, she only knew that she needed Tara back, alive and well.
"Witch, do you not realize that time runs differently for us? That your ten years could translate to forever in our dimension. Time is of no consequence we already have your soul"
"Then take my life. She died because she was here with me. Take my life for hers. You'll get my soul sooner." Willow knew that Tara would never have let her agree to that but Tara was gone, her body growing colder by the minute.
"You make an interesting case Witch. But what good would that do you? Giving up your life for this one. It would not benefit you in any way." The Demon really wasn't all that interested in the answer but he could sense his master's interest. Osiris was always hovering in the background and his presence could be felt.
Willow couldn't hide her tears any longer and let them course down her face, she couldn't hold on to her anger and all that was left was a feeling of desolation. Without Tara there was no life. It was not a difficult decision to make. If they could not be together in this life than Tara deserved to live more than she did. If one of them had to die, then it shouldn't be Tara. Her light was needed in the world. Tara's soul had never been tainted by black magic.
"She is my life." It was said in such a quiet voice that the Demon did not hear her response but Osiris did and he was intrigued. His appearance before Willow was not something she expected but it was welcomed nonetheless as he could bring Tara back.
"Do you truly believe that the both of you belong together in this life?" The question in itself was innocuous but the way it was posed made Willow shudder. Osiris was testing her, but she would not lie.
"Yes, we belong to each other in this life and beyond. Our love would enable our souls to recognize each other anywhere" By this time, Tara's lifeblood had seeped into the carpet and Willow was trying so hard to stop herself from willing her own heart to stop beating. If there was even a small chance that Osiris would grant her spell, she would not give up. And, if he didn't grant it, then, she would go downstairs and raid Buffy's weapon chest. She would make it swift so that Tara would not have to wait too long for her.
"I will not grant your spell Witch but your faith in your mortal love is interesting. I will wager both your souls then that even under different circumstances, you will be led back onto this path. That the decisions you will make will cause you to return to this scenario. It is inevitable.”
“What different circumstances?” Willow wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear the rest of the deal. After the confirmation that her soul had already been forfeit in exchange for Buffy's resurrection, she had no doubt that any other offer made by Osiris would be stacked in his favor. She would wager her soul but never Tara’s.
“Circumstances where you never met your Tara. Where the experiences that caused you to come together did not happen. A different reality for the both of you, but if what you believe is true, the both of you would be drawn to each other and if what I know to be true occurs, the both of you will end up in the same situation that you are in now. ”
“How do I know you’re not going to just send us to different dimensions? Or make it impossible for us to meet. I will not risk Tara’s soul.” Willow was adamant about her last statement. She would bargain with all she had and give up anything but Tara’s soul was not hers to give.
“Quite right Witch. I could do all that and more but I will offer you this. I will allow you to choose whose past I shall alter. Yours or hers” Osiris said indicating to Tara’s inert body. “Then the both of you will be sent back to a time of my choosing where you would meet for the first time. If by design and fate, the both of you end up at this exact time and situation, then I will have your soul but also your life”
“Tara will be alive and we will meet?…….. So I will wager my life on the fact that Tara does not die in your new reality?” Willow questioned, not quite understanding, but wanting to say yes so desperately as it would allow Tara to return. It seemed too good to be true.
“Yes if Tara dies again, then you will serve my bidding in this life as in the next. You will act as my conduit until the end of time.” It was not an offer that was generously made. If Willow was to accept, it meant that her life was forfeit forever. She would be serving Osiris and his followers. There would be no end and no Tara.
But Willow knew that his was her only chance to get Tara back now and if what Osiris said was true, she would be able to change Tara’s past. She would be able to give her a chance at a different life, perhaps a past that did not include Donny or her father. The only gamble was that they had to make decisions that would not lead them back to this path. But if circumstances were changed so drastically, Willow seriously doubted that they would end up in this same situation. However, the one thing Willow learnt living on the Hellmouth was not to trust Demons or Gods. Osiris was too certain that Tara would still die in his scenario. She would have to make certain that it did not occur and for that, she had an idea.
“If I agree, do you promise to place Tara out of her brother or father’s reach and that we will definitely meet face to face and that I get to remember one thing about our life together." Willow was amazed she had got all that out in one breath but she needed to make sure that was the offer being made.
She knew that all would be ok if both Tara and her met. Their first contact in the laundry room was the catalyst for her acceptance of her attraction and love for Tara. She knew that despite Tara’s changed past and whatever time Osiris sent them back to, it wouldn’t change their innate love for each other. They would be able to find each other. She believed that with all her heart.
"I want to be able to remember this happening. I don't want to forget Tara getting shot. ” Willow was completely certain that if she remembered Tara dying in her arms, it would give her impetus to not let that happen again. It would allow her to change the future and ensure Tara's presence in her life.
Osiris would normally never bargain with humans. He left that distasteful task to the Demons and unfortunate souls who spoke in his name. But the human witch intrigued him. Such raw power in a human was unheard of and better yet, one who did not know her worth and would eventually come full circle again and forfeit her life and soul to him. It would only be a matter of time before she was his. Magic had brought her to this point and it would lead her back. In the meantime, perhaps her struggles and that of her love would be an interesting distraction. She had made quite a proposal as well. Despite the grief radiating from her soul, she had thought of a way that would have given her an advantage over him. Asking to recall such a visceral moment in their lives was something he had not counted on.
"I am offering you her life and yet you bargain still. I will agree to remove Tara from her brother and father's reach. I will also agree to you retaining this scene in your memory. However, that will come with a price. Whenever you recollect this memory, she will have a nightmare to deal with of her own. That is the pact."
Willow didn't want Tara to suffer but a nightmare would not be too bad and she hoped that she would only have to recall the scene once. Seeing Tara die in front of her was not something she would want to replay in her mind. She would only need to see it once. She had to take the chance that it would be enough to jolt her into not repeating any of her mistakes. Her silent acquiescence was enough for Osiris to begin the spell.
Willow could feel the air in the room grow heavy. Tara's body began to rise from her embrace and was encased in incandescent light. She wanted to reach out but she could feel her own consciousness fading. Her limbs growing weightless, the last conscious thought in her mind was that of Tara disappearing from her life. Just before she passed out, she heard Osiris's voice in her head. It sounded like a prophetic warning.
“Magic brought you to this point, it will lead you back”
And then there was only darkness.
Los Angeles, California May 2001
It always starts with a small light in the distance. A pinprick of light that grows brighter and bigger and then suddenly a cacophony of sound. No words distinguishable but the sound just grating and loud. She remembers the next part best, as it is the most vivid. The light becomes so bright and the sound too loud. She shuts her eyes and places her hands over her ears. She doesn't know how long she does this but when she opens her eyes, she sees people - people she thinks she should recognize. Men and women who look at her with dead eyes. The sound is still there and so she has to shout above it.
"Who are you?"
"Where am I?"
"What do you want?"
But no one answers. She tries to touch them but they are ethereal. As soon as she nears each on of them, they begin to fade away, their faces always obscured. A stern man dressed in a flannel shirt with blonde hair. A young blonde woman with old hands. A young man with dirty blonde hair with his hands in fists. She is afraid of them but she is also afraid that they would leave and she would again wake up in her own Hell.
It is then that the nightmare becomes a dream. There is someone else in the background, a woman. Someone she realizes she doesn't know but who helps allay all her fears that have built up. It is this last person that always captures her full attention. It is to this figure that she asks most of her questions. A slight woman with and an outstretched hand, her facial features always hidden but she can tell that the woman is young. So she stands in front of her and repeats her questions. She wants so much to reach out and touch her hand but she knows that when she does, the apparition before her would disappear. It is then that she also begins to realize that she has no sense of self. She does not know who she is. She only knows that she is lost. And her inevitable last request would be "Please find me"
She sees the woman begin to answer but cannot make out the words so she reaches out and grabs her hand. Only her palm closes around nothing. Everyone has disappeared once again and she is left alone as silence descends. The silence weighs on her and soon, she feels the need to scream and so she does. She knows when she opens her eyes, her dream would again be her nightmare and she would be back in Pylea, shackled and enslaved.
"Tara, Tara, wake up! You're fine. You need to wake up. You need to calm down." Cordelia was having a difficult time trying to wake the blonde up while avoiding her wild thrashings. The fact that they were travelling through a portal in Angel's car did not help the situation.
"Cordelia?" Tara's unsure voice could barely be heard over the rattling of the car as it traveled through the dimensional portal. She had opened her eyes and her nightmare had not continued. She had really been saved by a Vampire and his friends. One of whom was now trying to calm her down.
"Yup, its me. Ex-prom Queen, Ex-real Queen, Actress, Model and Seer, thank you very much. Just hold on" Cordelia shouted over the rushing din, "I think I see Caritas up ahead"
Tara hung on for dear life as the car crashed through what seemed like a bar. Tara was amazed to see that despite the fact that they could have been injured, all the occupants in the car were incredibly happy – happy that they were alive and home at last. She wasn’t sure what she was feeling but at least she was less afraid of Lorne, who had immediately climbed out of the car and kissed the ground. Initially she hadn't wanted to get into Angel's car with him but soon realized that he had wanted to get away from Pylea as much as she did. Despite his similarity to the demons of Pylea, he seemed more at home in the destroyed bar than he did in his home world. She was the one who still felt like she didn't belong. As Angel helped her from the car, she could hear Lorne offering everyone drinks to celebrate their return home.
She wished she could remember what alcohol tasted like. Hell, she wished she could remember what anything tasted like. She knew that she should be happy to have been saved but it felt wrong. She could remember all the bad, bad things that had occurred to her in Pylea but it was like she was looking at a movie. Like it had happened to someone else. She knew she still bore the scars of her experience there. Both mental and physical ones but it was beginning to feel like a nightmare - one that she had at last woken up from. What was real were the people surrounding her now. She could reach out and touch them and they would not disappear. They had brought her back and she was home. It didn't feel like home but she wasn't really complaining. After having called a dank cave home for the past few years, even the wreckage that was Caritas seemed like a palace. Maybe she still did not belong here but here was where she would be able to find answers. Here was where she would be able to find the people from her dreams.
Cordelia had brought her a drink then, and had told her of their real home, the Hyperion Hotel and how they would make room for her. She was still not used to being surrounded by so many people but was glad for Wesley or Gunn when they had chorused their approval of what Cordelia had just said. She had helped them in Pylea and they would return the favor here. They had sense her apprehension and were trying to make her feel like she belonged there, with them.
As they neared the Hotel, Tara sensed a new fear take hold. It was like a beacon in the night but she didn't know how to give voice to it. The people surrounding her were all so happy. Gunn was talking about how fun the portal ride had been and Cordelia was telling her about shoes and food. Tara had mentioned earlier that despite not remembering what certain things tasted like, she remembered liking tacos. Cordelia had immediately told her of an amazing take-out place just five minutes from the Hyperion and that right after a shower, they could go there, as it was open all night.
Even as they made their way out of the car, Tara was still feeling off kilter. Like any moment the scene before her would once again shift and that she would be back in chains or worse.
"You're sure about that --?" Her question to Cordelia was more encompassing than just an affirmation of being able to get Tacos in the middle of the night but the group of people around her did not notice. They were still coming off a high of being back home, their home. Tara didn't want to spoil it for them and just nodded and tried to smile as Cordelia once again explained about soap and tacos.
'Trust me, tacos everywhere - and soap."
Tara looked at Angel and couldn't help the small shiver that traveled up her spine as she remembered the monster he was hiding inside. Perhaps he could explain to her why she felt uneasy, why despite being back on Earth, she still felt confined and still in a dream. Perhaps she was also hiding a monster inside her or something worse. But she knew now was not the time. She couldn't give voice to her fear and did not want to ruin the happiness within the group. She could sense that it would not last. That something was out there that would forever change their lives. She wanted to stop Angel from striding into the Hotel. She wanted to reach out and tug his arm and warn him to not be so happy. Happiness brought Attention and Attention would attract Badness. That was something she had learnt the hard way. She had been happy before Pylea. She remembered that much and then it all turned into a nightmare. She wanted to warn them from making the same mistakes but it was too late. Angel was striding through the Gardens and was jokingly asking for permission.
"Can I say it? I'm going to say it."
Wesley was in front of her as well, perhaps she could stop him and explain her feeling to him. He seemed more in tune with mystical forces. He was the one who had helped open the portal back. Maybe he had answers for her. But he was also caught up in the mood and had just answered Angel.
"Say what?"
"There's no place like ..."
As soon as Angel swung the doors open, Tara's fears were crystallized - not in the form of a monster but in the form of a pale young woman. She could practically see the fear and grief emanating from the woman sitting with such stillness, on the couch. She wanted to turn back and run into the night. She wanted to grab her newfound allies and tell them not to look but it was too late. Angel and Cordelia had called out and acknowledged the woman there.
"Willow?"
"Hi. What's ..."
Tara was sure she was a wraith, for only something otherworldly could radiate so much sorrow and hurt. It was suffocating her. She knew Cordelia and Angel felt it too. Angel had stopped moving and Cordelia could not finish her question. Tara could feel Angel's mood shift. Despite focusing on the young woman in front of her, Tara could also feel the strong emotions in Angel. She could actually feel his happiness collapsing in on itself. It was like a black hole, light and happiness disappearing to be replaced by nothing. It felt like what was in her. She realized that the off kilter way she was feeling wasn't due to the presence of anything but the absence of feeling. She felt lost, like she had no sense of self - It was the feeling from her nightmares. Focusing on the scene before her once again, Tara wasn't sure if Angel's next words were said loudly but they reverberated in the vast lobby of the Hotel.
"It's Buffy ...".
-----------------------------
You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; It will not let you fall
And Death shall have no Dominion
Edited by: jomarch at: 10/22/02 7:22:46 am