The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 2:29 pm 
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5. Willowhand
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A little tale I came up with. I plead insanity. New Reaper is on the way in a couple of days, but this just had to be written. :)

Title - Princess Willow and the Frog.

Author name - Useful_Oxymoron

Email Address - Viernadevir@hotmail.com

Rating - PG. Little twisted here and there.

Disclaimer - Well, I don't own Willow or Tara. If I did, I wouldn't have made certain... questionable decisions in the latter seasons. In any case, Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own these characters and I don't intend to make any money off them.

Feedback- Is cool. It's always nice to know somebody liked the crap I write.

Summary- General humor fic and twist on a popular fairy tale.

Notes- Other than the original fairy tale, none really.

Italics are thoughts.

[hr]
Princess Willow and the Frog.

As the obligatory introduction to fairy tales demands, this story takes place long ago, in a kingdom far, far way away. In this kingdom, lived a king and queen. Hence, the name kingdom. It wouldn't make much sense to call a kingdom a kingdom without there being a king or queen, now would it? A kingdom without a king is called a republic, after all.

Anyway, the king and queen were busy people, having a hectic schedule as psychologists aside from their duties of ruling. Of course, the king and queen had a daughter, who was called Willow. Princess Willow was a clever and petty young woman. But not at all a Mary Sue like one often sees in fairy tales like this, oh, no, for she was also shy and introverted, and preferred to keep to herself. Though secretly (as all princesses do), she yearned to be loved by someone she could hold dear to her heart.

So, when Princess Willow turned 15, she was deemed of marrying age, for these were medieval times and people were more perverted then... well, not exactly more perverted, people just tend to hide it better these days. All the princes and the princesses of neighboring lands were invited, because Princess Willow had not yet decided upon her sexuality (and at age 15, who has, really?).

Her best friend Princess Buffy had just married Prince Spike so they weren't potential candidates. Prince Xander had been seeing Princess Anya lately and Princess Dawn was still too young. Prince Oz was a potential candidate, but Princess Willow did not like the eyes he was constantly making at Princess Veruca.

That only left Princess Clinton, and Princess Clinton scared Princess Willow to no end, for Princess Clinton was a total skank with a tongue-stud, who kept trying to lick her neck. And then there were the persistent rumors about Princess Clinton, a cigar and a servant-girl.

Finally, a crying Princess Willow ran from her own party. She ran into the woods, ran and ran and ran, until she collapsed at a small and shallow pond in the middle of the forest... for princesses often run into the woods for no apparent reason, unfettered by the guards of the palace who catch any intruders but can never seem to stop their own princess from running off into danger.

So Princess Willow sat back against the tree and cried softly whole pouting impossibly poutily. "Oh, woe is me," Princess Willow sniffed. "Shalt I ever be loved? Or shalt I forever be a rose unplucked?"

Unbeknownst by Princess Willow, a small frog sat at the edge of the pond. Though, looks were deceiving, for a frog is never a frog in a story such as this. No, this was none other than Princess Tara. And Princess Tara had been very miffed the past few days. Why didst that silly old cow turn me into a frog? Surely she must have seen that we wereth no match made in heaven. Princess Tara, daughter of the witch-queen, had been cursed to live as a frog for refusing the Dark Witch's advances. Of course, Princess Tara had tried to turn her down nicely by explaining that the age difference between was insurmountable. For she was 15, while the Dark Witch was 150. The Dark Witch being as Dark Witches are, cursed Tara to become a frog until she was kissed by her one true love.

Boy, was the Dark Witch miffed when she kissed Tara-frog and Tara-frog remained a frog.

So now, Princess Tara lived in a pond. Still, it was a nice pond, which lotsa waterlilies to sit upon and many juicy flies and mosquito's buzzing around. But it was lonely. She missed her family, even her idiot brother and wished that one day, he'd stop drinking ink.

But suddenly, Princess Tara saw a most heavenly creature sitting at the edge of the pond, looking at her own reflection in the water. She was the most beauteous creature she had ever seen. For, in these kinds of stories, complete random events seem like fate and destiny, even though the concept of destiny is utter bollocks. Still, it seems to work well enough as a plotline.

And Princess Tara could simply not resist her pouty lips.

Princess Tara jumped up from the water. "Oh, sweet lady," she spoke. "Thou art the sun and the moon! Thine green eyes pierce through yon soul mine, and thy red thresses dance in the sunlight. Thou bearest thy lime green bodice and flowing blue dress like true nobility. I feel we are destined for one another, we art two halves of the same soul, thou and I. See how I am smitten with thee? I speaketh in ye olde english, while the rest of the story is written in modern english! Oh, please, if thou willt just kiss this humble frog, we shallt find love everlasting!"

Of course, since Princess Tara had been so foully transmogrified into a frog, Princess Tara's elaborate proclamation of love sounded more like : "Ribbit-ribbit-ribbit-ribbit-ribbit."

Princess Willow did a double take, mortal terror radiating from her gentle features. For Princess Willow feared frogs more than death itself. "ah... ah.... AAAAAAHHHHHH!" Princess Willow screamed as she picked up her dress and ran back to the castle. For somehow, though the woods not being a princess' natural habitat, princesses are excellent trackers and know their way back to their castle in spite of having run around like a headless chicken without paying attention to their surroundings earlier.

"BUGGER!" Princess Tara swore and hopped after her one true love as quick as her hoppy legs could carry her. Even though she was wearing a tiny gilded crown on her foggy head, it did not fall off during the chase. Why not, you may ask? Well, for the same reason Indiana Jones' hat never blows off during a chase-scene: magic.

"Waiteth for me, my love!" Princess Tara called after her. But all Princess Willow could hear was ribbits following her through the forest.

Finally Princess Willow arrived at her castle and ran inside the walls. "It's after me!" she yelled at the guards. "Help! It's after me! It wants to eat my soul!"

Of course, the guards, being the utter buffoons that guards tend to be, never imagined a frog being after Princess Willow's soul, so they just let it hop along while they looked for what they preceives as the real threat to their beloved Princess Willow : Princess Clinton.

In the end, Princess Willow had reached her room and prepared a defence. For aside from many fluffy pillows that princesses loved to sleep on, her large tower-room had plenty of items, like spinning wheels, poisoned apples, a cauldron to push witches in and many more items of fairy-tale genocide. One of which being a large broom, which Princess Willow had grabbed just as Princess Tara hopped inside her room.

"Stay away, frog," Princess Willow waved the broom around. "Just stay away! Cause I got a broom and I'm not afraid to use it on thee! Yes, I've gotten lotsa broom-fighting training from my friend Princess Buffy and she can kick asses like the best one. And now so can I, cause my broom is registered as a deadly weapon by our kingdom's secret police!"

"But... I only want to kiss thy soft lips," Princess Tara pleaded.

"Ribbit-ribbit-ribbit," was that Princess Willow heard.

"Dost thou mock me?" Princess Willow huffed, trying to look big, but only ending up looking irresistibly cute. She rose the broom above her head. "Haaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiyyyyyaaaaaa!" she shouted and slammed her broom down.

"Hellpppp!" Princess Willow shouted while trying to bash the hapless Tara-frog's brains in. "HELP!" Princess Willow yelled again, while she slammed her broom into the furniture again and again and again, trying to hit poor Princess Tara, who could only just hop away barely in time. "Save your princess!" Princess Willow called in desperation.

"Hm," Princess Tara thought when she avoided another swing. "For a helpless princess, she sure fights like Xena."

Finally Princess Tara managed to jump on top of Princess Willow's broom. Princess Willow let out a terrible shriek and dove underneath the covers of her royal bed, covering herself to her green peepers, looking intently at the Tara-frog.

Princess Tara hopped right into front of Princess Willow's eyes, looking intently into them. Green met azure. Love met love. Slowly, ever so slowly, Princess Willow lowered the covers. A frog with a crown on her head wasn't an everyday occurance. Maybe... just maybe...

While the other girl was trembling with fear, Princess Tara slowly pressed her froggy lips against Princess Willow's. And then, after the mandatory flash of magical light and fireworks, Princess Willow saw the most beautiful honey-blonde girl she had ever seen in her entire life... lying on top of her no less.

Princess Tara was surprised that the other girl hungrily started to kiss her back. They embraced tightly. For their were free, their hearts unchained, drunk with love.

"I'm Willow, by the way," Princess Willow proclaimed in between passionate kisses.

"T-tara," Princess returned while she felt Willow starting to unlace her bodice, intending to expose her lover's firm, round br...

"Ahum," sounded from the door, as there are always interruptions when one is having a good time. King Ira stood next to his wife, having come to check up on Willow for, would you know it, the first time in five years. Bad timing for the smut-fans, ey?

"Sheila?" Ira grumbled. "Get the shotgun."

"Mom! Dad!" Princess Willow grinned. "This is Princess Tara. We're going to get married."

"That's wonderful," Sheila smiled. "About time too. Princess Clinton was starting to get pushy. I think she wants to bomb our kingdom."

"Sheila?" Ira added. "Get the shotgun anyway. Just in case."

And so, the whole kingdom celebrated cheerfully as the two love-birds were married in a lovely gregarious and extravagant kingly ceremony. All their friends and family attended, though Princess Tara declined to invite the Dark Witch. And, even though there was some trouble when Princess Clinton had shown up during the part of the ceremony when the vicar had asked if anyone objected to their union. Princess Tara had solved the problem by turning Princess Clinton into a centipede.

So, as these stories always say at the ending, they lived happily ever after, and had lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of smoochies.

Even though Princess Tara would never quite shake the habit of snacking from the dead flies she sometimes found in the windowstill.
[hr]

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Last edited by Useful_Oxymoron on Thu Mar 02, 2006 3:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 3:15 pm 
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3. Flaming O
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for princesses often run into the woods for no apparent reason, unfettered by the guards of the palace who catch any intruders but can never seem to stop their own princess from running off into danger.

As the obligatory introduction to fairy tales, this story takes place long ago, in a kingdom far, far way away. In this kingdom, lived a king and queen. Hence, the name kingdom. It wouldn't make much sense to call a kingdom a kingdom without there being a king or queen, now would it? A kingdom without a king is called a republic, after all.

For, in these kinds of stories, complete random events seem like fate and destiny, even though the concept of destiny is utter bollocks. Still, it seems to work well enough as a plotline.

For somehow, though the woods not being a princess' natural habitants, princesses are excellent trackers and know their way back to their castle in spite of having run around like a headless chicken without paying attention to their surroundings earlier.

Even though she was wearing a tiny gilded crown on her foggy head, it did not fall off during the chase. Why not, you may ask? Well, for the same reason Indiana Jones' hat never blows off during a chase-scene: magic.


These little phrases are so funny loll I love them especialy this one.
Quote:
"Ahum," sounded from the door, as there are always interruptions when one is having a good time. King Ira stood next to his wife, having come to check up on Willow for, would you know it, the first time in five years. Bad timing for the smut-fans, ey?


I love this story it's really great and funny :lol :applause

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 7:57 pm 
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5. Willowhand
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Quote:
I speaketh in ye olde english, while the rest of the story is written in modern english!
:lol :lol

What a great story! Almost got kicked out of my econ class this afternoon when I laughed out loud reading it, but it was totally worth it. Just priceless - the references to princess Clinton, Tara's declarations of love that came out frog croaks, Willow's father - absolutely hilarious. I loved it!

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 8:39 pm 
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6. Sassy Eggs
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:lmao That was sooo cute! Willow screaming when she saw Tara frog :lmao. Precious. The fly thing however...ewwww! Funny and fantastic!

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 1:58 am 
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13. Big Knowledge Woman
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Uo,
The American humorist James Thurber would be proud of you for offering up this deconstruction of fairy tales while at the same time giving us a tale of true love surrounded by the most bizarre of circumstances.
This shall take its rightful place alongside the pageantry of "The Thurber Carnival."

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 6:00 am 
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hey UO! boy was i doing the :dance when i saw that you have a new "short silly uber fic" for us....

i wll not even try to quote my favorite lines coz i would end up quoting just about everything! surmise it to say that i absolutely loved everything about it... even with the visual of tara eating dead flies.. eeeww!

you are definitely one of the funniest and funnest fic writers in my book and i'm at awe at how quirky your mind works... thank you for gracing us with your wonderful imagination!

and i can't wait for the reaper update as well!

you rock as always UO!

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 11:00 am 
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8. Vixen
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Haha! What a cute and funny story.
Like everyone else I especially enjoyed the moking of the usual fairytales.
Now I cant wait for more on Reaper :-D

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 11:23 am 
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hihihi <))) wonderful and very funny
looking forward for the reaper update :bigwave

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 2:19 pm 
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5. Willowhand
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Thank you all for your kind feedback to this product of my demented mind. :D

Will - Glad you liked the story. I certainly enjoying thinking it up. :)

Tarafied4life - Uh oh, I hope you weren't found out in class. Heh, I wish I had an internet connection in class when I was still in college. Would have made dreary econ history classes somewhat more bearable. :) I admit to being a bit nervous about princess Clinton, considering this is a JFK free zone, but it seems to have worked comedy-wise.

Willow Watcher - Glad to hear the story made you laugh. That means I've done my job. :D

Taralicious - James Thurber? Wow, that's quite a compliment, thank you. And, well, of course, seeing these are Willow and Tara, I couldn't very well ignore the true love aspect here. ;)

Tarebear/cecile - Wow, you're starting to make me blush here. Thank you very much. Wonderful imagination, wow, thanks for the compliment. Personally, I'm leaning more towards 'demented', but wonderful imagination is a lot kinder. Thanks again. Reaper 12's already been posted, working hard on 13. :)

WillowRulez - Thanks. Yeah, fairytales are eminently mockable. ;) But they're still fun to read, though I prefer the 'original un-cutesyfied' ones these days (unless they star Willow and Tara, obviously). Reaper 12's already been posted. :)

Eirnlove - Thank you. :) Glad you liked the story.

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 2:46 pm 
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10. Troll Hammer
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G'day, UO.

Firstly, I plan to start this feedback with the final sentence of the story.

Quote:
Even though Princess Tara would never quite shake the habit of snacking from the dead flies she sometimes found in the windowsill.


:lol :lmao :rofl I seriously love that. But blimey mate, you do seem to have a talent for ripping off these hilariously funny little one-shots. I especially loved all the little witty asides we (the readers) get from the narrator. Brilliant!

Princess Clinton? :hmm I wonder who that could possibly be a reference to? :-D

Donnie, drinking ink? :lol Where do you come up with this? 'Get the shotgun' indeed. :lol

Damn, you rock, mate.

Cheers,
Paul.

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 6:38 pm 
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I liked this. Everyone else has stolen all the good words I was going to use, but I just wanted you to know I stopped by and liked it.

It made me laugh. Out loud. Often.

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 7:01 pm 
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I loveth this story mucheth.

Thanketh.

Cheers-eth
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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 7:30 pm 
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Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Ha! Haw! Hee-haw! How perfect it is to have a fairytale, and to have a FROG in it, no less!!! And I loved the line where Tara pressed her froggy lips down on Willow's. This made my evening!

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 7:21 am 
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18. Breast Gal
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Greater love hath no man (or woman) than Willow kissing a frog out of love... that says it all. Actually I was so caught up in the whole zany deranged fairy tale spirit that I didn't realise Willow's ranidaphobia (I admit had to look that up - I wrote 'frogophobia' before I thought of Googling it) would come into play. And when the story's called 'Princess Willow and the Frog', well, that's some pretty captivating silliness there. Or maybe I was just being slow. Either way, I loved it.

(Tara snacking on dead flies? Oh-kaaaay... Well, I guess everyone has to have their little quirks. At least everything else about Tara is gorgeous, unlike certain other centipedal would-be Willow-brides.)

So in conclusion, yay and brilliant, and should the mood ever take you to turn your disordered imagination to any other fairy tales, I'll be scurrying back to read them as fast as you can post.

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:29 am 
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Funny & really cute!! Princess Tara frog was something very different , I enjoyed reading your fic. :clap

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 12:06 pm 
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Artemis wrote:
unlike certain other centipedal would-be Willow-brides


Which alternate-universe Buffy did you watch? Did I miss that episode? Or is it all in your head?....

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Last edited by Candleshoe on Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 8:38 pm 
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No reference to Buffy canon intended... just that centipedes are icky. I've seen nature documentaries, that's as close as I wanna get to centipedes.

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:01 pm 
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There are times when I've often wondered if there is a mind in this universe that can claim to be as twisted and as fucked up as mine.

I've never been able to convince myself that I would find it.

But as I read this, I finally became convinced.

You, sir, are nuts.

And I couldn't be happier. If your insanity produces fics as half as funny as this one was, then I say WRITE, DAMN YOU, WRITE! :party

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 8:33 pm 
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Very very cute. Made me giggle quite a bit. Well done.

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 5:28 pm 
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Awesome. :clap

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 8:07 pm 
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Thanks again for the kind comments. I really appreciate them. :)

Paul - Where do I come up with this? Well, it helps having a boring job atm, it sorta kickstarts the imagination when the hours pass by. :) Most of my plotlines are born from boring hours/days at work. :)

Princess Clinton... No idea who she could be, really. Just an annoying character, I think. :glasses I'm happy you enjoyed the story.

Candleshoe - I'm happy to hear the story made you laugh. That means I've done my job. :)

Quote:
Which alternate-universe Buffy did you watch? Did I miss that episode? Or is it all in your head?....


I think that's the Buffy seasons that played in the Mirror universe. Which goes a long way towards explaining why people in that universe are so evil... and skanky... :-D

DarkWiccan - I very mucheth appreciateth the complementeths. :) Thanketh!

Sally McFine - Oh, I made an evening. :dance Glad to hear it!

Chris - I just got back from the Looking Glass and I absolutely LOVE the graphic title you've give the story. :bow :bow :bow :bounce. It's completely gorgeous.

Quote:
(Tara snacking on dead flies? Oh-kaaaay... Well, I guess everyone has to have their little quirks. At least everything else about Tara is gorgeous, unlike certain other centipedal would-be Willow-brides.)


UO : *'accidentally' steps on a centipede* Ooopsss. :devil

I'm happy you've been enjoying this product of my insanity. When more reveals itself to me, I'll let you know. ;)

sandman78 - I think Willow's frog-fear could have been used more on the show, though. Luckily, there's fanfic to correct that. :) Glad you liked the story.

SithLordWiccan - Hehehehehe, why thank you, dear Sith Lord. :) I take pride in being 'twisted and fucked up', really. Normality is for people without imagination. :) Glad you found the story to be funny.

Gaynow - Thank you. I had fun writing it.

Boschi - Thank you!

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 9:57 pm 
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oh my, my face hurts from laughing so much. Loved it.

Anne

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Sun Mar 12, 2006 1:38 am 
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3. Flaming O
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Location: Far away in the lala-land
Great story! :clap I was laughing so hard that almost pee my pants! (i said 'almost'... cos i definitely didn't pee my pants... really... please believe me... :blush )

clawing back into my wet pants now...

Cynthia Taz :geek

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Sun Mar 12, 2006 5:53 pm 
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9. Gay Now
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This was absolutely hilarious and sweet and brilliant! Having read a few W/T fairy tale type fics, I was astounded that no one had ever thought of this before (and maybe they have and I just missed it), but you did it so damn well. Willow's horror was very vivid and side-splitingly funny, and I loved this interaction in particular:
Quote:
"But... I only want to kiss thy soft lips," Princess Tara pleaded.

"Ribbit-ribbit-ribbit," was that Princess Willow heard.

"Dost thou mock me?" Princess Willow huffed

I don't know which is a funnier image...Tara-frog wooing the Princess in unintelligble (to Willow) prose, or Willow actually speaking back to the frog. Frickin' awesome! I hope you keep up with the short fics...and the long fics...and any fics in between. You're a wonderful writer.

-Cameron

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 9:51 am 
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14. Lesbo Street Cred
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:lmao I say, this is so awfully funny. Yeah, dude.
[br]

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 7:19 pm 
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4. Extra Flamey
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YOU'RE SO SILLY!!!

GOSH!

I want a frog with a crown. Care to share your fictional Tara-frog? Please say yes. I'm so wonewy. So wonewy.

Silly goose.

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 Post subject: Re: Short silly uber fic : Princess Willow and the Frog
PostPosted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 1:44 pm 
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5. Willowhand
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Anne - Wow, those are the greatest of compliments. Thank you. :)

Cynthia Taz - Whoa, sorry about your pants. :D

Tarawhipped - Glad you liked the story. :) It was oddly fun writing this, since I tend to get mental images while writing. Imagine trying to keep your eyes on the screen when imagining Willow in a 6-layered dress chasing a frog with a crown on her hand across the room with a broom. :)
Thank you for the kind compliment. :blush

Watson - *bows* I do appreciate that. :)

Beanie - Thanks. I could send over Tara-frog, but Willow might not appreciate having her true love stolen out from under her nose, though.

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