The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 4:20 pm 
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5. Willowhand
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Well, this short story was sorta inspired by a comment from Taralicious. I warn you, though, this one might be considered 'a bit weird'. :)

In the last part of Reaper, I wrote a bit in which Willow was cold and briefly wished she was born a walrus so she could bear it, to which Taralicious replied :

Quote:
Tusk-laden Willow presents an interesting mental picture and could open up a zoological Willow and Tara series if one were so inclined; the Disocvery channel presents anthropormorphic Willow and Tara lovin'



Well, it's not quite the Discovery channel, but something a bit more cynical. ;)

Title - What They Think Of Us

Author name - Useful_Oxymoron

Email Address - Viernadevir@hotmail.com

Rating - PG-13. Some swearing, some cynical examples of Walrus behaviour making fun of stereotypes.

Disclaimer - Well, I don't own Willow or Tara. And if I did, I'd set them free.

Feedback- Is cool. It's always nice to know somebody liked the crap I write.

Summary- Two of the inhabitants of the Walrus pen at Seaworld San Diego comment on things in general.

Notes- Influence for this story: a reply from Taralicious. My insanity did the rest.

[hr]
What They Think Of Us.

Tara crawled out of the private walrus habitat and made her way into the pen she shared with the others at Seaworld. In front of her lay her penmates, twelve of them minus one, on the artificial icy beach and past them, a large basin of nice ice-cold water. Three small artificial islands lay strategically placed in the pen.

Tara let herself slide into the water, loving the feeling of the coldness as she swam towards the smallest of the three islands. She picked up speed and almost launched herself out of the water, right next to the other walrus that was already lying there.

"Hi, sweetie," Tara greeted merrily while the other walrus lounged around on her belly, generally making a 'lazy, sunbathing sea animal'-impression on the visitors walking by and looking down into the pen.

"Mrff," responded Willow.

"You're lively today," Tara blew some air through her nostrils, plopped down next to Willow and scooted up against her.

Behind them, from the rest of the herd, a loud bellow sounded. Looking up, they saw a huge male walrus was throwing his weight around, bellowing to the heavens and showing off his huge tusks.

"Riley again," Willow snorted. "I bet Buffy's rolling over already."

A second male approached Riley, matching his bellow. "Oh, there's Angel," Tara said. Immediately, the two males slammed their blubbery bodies together, ramming tusk against tusk and generally bellowing as loudly as their raging testosterone demanded. From the sidelines, a smaller female walrus looked on adoringly.

"Buffy's loving this," Tara chuckled.

Willow snorted. "So there they are, all 'oh, look at me, I have the biggest tusks here. Wow, look how great I am. I have big tusks to compensate for the 5 seconds making love with me takes'. Yeah, we're all very impressed, guys," Willow rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, we don't need to have big tusks to feel good about ourselves," Tara added.

Willow shifted slightly. "Your, um, your tusks look really nice today, Tara. Clean and white and sharpy."

Tara looked away nervously. "Um, t-thank you. I, um, h-have been s-sliding them along the b-bars of the c-cage underwater. Just for y... Uh, I mean, t-thanks."

A class of schoolchildren passed by, a few of which hung over the railing and pointed at the two walrusses closest to them... which happened to be Willow and Tara.

"Oh, they're all looking at me," Willow pouted. "I hate that."

Tara sighed. "I suppose we should get to work."

"I thought we were already working," Willow replied.

Tara, in the meantime, rolled onto her back and waved a flipper to the now squealing children. After a few moments of waving, Tara rolled back to lie next to Willow.

"There," Tara said. "That ought to hold the little SOB's for a while."

"Now who's being lively?" Willow chuckled.

Just that moment, a girl holding an ice-cream cone who was wearing Daisy Dukes and a very short tank-top passed by the pen. The two young walrusses watched her walking along for the moment and frowned as much as a walrus could.

"Sheesh," Willow muttered. "Human females are so repulsive."

"Hm, you said it," Tara replied.

"I mean, just look at her! Those overly long legs, that silly pink skin, hardly any blubber at all... She's a walking skeleton and what blubber she has is concentrated in those two lumps underneath her clothes," Willow said. "It's silly! You'd better never go to the Bering Strait, missy, because, oh guess what, you'll freeze to death in 10 minutes while we sit nice and pretty with our perfect body-coverage of blubber."

"Say, did you know some human females paint their hair yellow?" Tara said. "It's true! I heard it from Billy the Polar Bear over at the ice lounge."

"But... why do they do that?" Willow frowned.

"That's just it, I don't know," Tara shrugged. "And... some human females, and males too... they ram a huge metal spike through their tongues for no reason at all! They think it's pretty."

"Really?!" Willow snorted. "And they call us cows."

"That's what you get when you have so little blubber you have to wear fabric around your body just to keep warm," Tara added.

"Hey, those lumps I mentioned? I've heard that the human males, and some other females, go crazy about those lumps. Completely crazy," Willow said.

"Why?"

"No idea," Willow replied. "But you know, some human females even make their lumps bigger by putting bags with plastic inside of them."

"They get fake blubber?" Tara blinked. "Why don't they just eat more, like everybody else?"

"Because human males apparently like walking skeletons with big lumps," Willow shrugged.

"It's hard to believe they're the dominant species on this planet," Tara shrugged.

"They're on their way out," Willow nodded. "They just don't know it yet."

Tara scooted a little closer to Willow. "W-willow? Y-your flippers are so s-soft."

"It's the protein rich fishy-diet," Willow replied.

"What's on the menu today?"

"It's wednesday today, right? Herring-day."

"Oh, I like herring."

The two walrusses sunbathed for another while, enjoying the calmth until another batch of those annoying humans passed by to look, point and shout at them. After enduring a verbal assault, the two walrusses continued talking.

"How rude," Willow said. "Did you hear what he said? 'Come on, fatties, move, do something spectacular, go swim, go gut each other! Just do something already! I paid 10 bucks to get in'. Sheesh, get a life, pal."

"Well," Tara replied. "At least it was interesting. The most exciting thing to happen here is when a kid throws french fries at us. Tell me again why we should miss the Bering Strait?"

"Because the most exciting thing to happen here is when a kid throws french fries at us," Willow stated. "There's no chance of ending up in an orca's belly or getting speared by a drunk eskimo in here. Uh, wait, I'm so sure about that last one..."

A splash of water slammed down on top of the two walrusses. The maritime ladies yelped in surprise while Shamu the killer whale in next pen popped up. "Uh, sorry. I, uh, was kinda jumping around trying to impress the crowd and got carried away."

When the now-wet ladies recovered, Willow turned to Shamu. "'S okay," she said. "No biggie."

"Asshole," Willow muttered under her breath when Shamu was out of earshot.

"Willow?" Tara asked. "I'm glad you're here. At least I've got someone nice to talk to and lounge about with."

Willow blushed slightly, as much as a walrus could blush, of course. "Uhm, wanna go for a swim? We could hide underneath the underwater-window, pop up suddenly and scare the bejesus out of a couple of schoolkids."

Tara thought a moment. "Okay."

And so Willow and Tara slid underneath the surface of the water for a few laps of synchronous swimming, they set in motion their master plan to frighten the cub-scouts gathered around the underwater window. Today was a great day to be a walrus.
[hr]

That's it. Please forgive me. :D Going back to work on Reaper 17 now.

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Last edited by Useful_Oxymoron on Fri Apr 07, 2006 4:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 4:25 pm 
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21. Geek Infested Roots
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Dude, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You are a fucking genius.

And believe it or not, you’ve inspired me to include some underwater animal interaction in “Under the Sea”, so kudos to you.

Good job, mate. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 5:24 pm 
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10. Troll Hammer
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Bwhaa haa haa!

Walrus social commentary! I love it!

More thorough feedback to follow. I have to go do the grocery shopping.

Cheers,
Paul.

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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 11:29 pm 
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2. Floating Rose
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*snort* That is way too funny. Thank you.

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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:05 am 
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2. Floating Rose
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This story had me in stitches. I love all their quirky comments about humans and about the Riley walrus and Angel walrus trying to impress Buffy. :laugh

Great stuff!!


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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:06 pm 
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8. Vixen
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Who knew Walruses debate social behavior?
Sooo funny. Got me rolling all over. Especially the blubber part.
Also Willow calling Shamu an asshole, LOL. Shamu must be really arrogant cuz of all this attention.
"How rude," Willow said. "Did you hear what he said? 'Come on, fatties, move, do something spectacular, go swim, go gut each other! Just do something already! I paid 10 bucks to get in'. Sheesh, get a life, pal."
10 bucks? I think I paid around 40 hehe :pinky

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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 11:24 am 
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5. Willowhand
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I loved this! I don't think I'll ever be able to go to a zoo again without thinking "Why is that animal looking at me and does it think I'm too fat/skinny/tall/short?"

Excellent! :rofl :rofl :rofl

Caz

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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 11:59 pm 
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10. Troll Hammer
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G'day again, UO.

Before you ask, no, I didn't spend the last couple of days grocery shopping. :grin I just got sorta distracted. Stupid reality.

But on to more important things: feedback of the more detailed variety! Now, you say inspired by your own insanity? I say the line between insanity and genius is thin indeed, and you aren't on the sanity challenged side, if you get my drift.

Riley and Angel as posturing males, competing for the adoring attention of Buffy was a highlight. I love the idea of Willow and Tara in a sort of snide commentary position, ala the two grumpy old buggers from the muppets. I could almost see them doing a similar thing in the Bronze, commenting on the bizarre mating rituals of straight people. :grin

The blubber discussion, or more accurately, the human female's lack thereof was a hoot.

Quote:
"It's hard to believe they're the dominant species on this planet," Tara shrugged.

"They're on their way out," Willow nodded. "They just don't know it yet."


Danger, Kittens, Danger! The Walrus' are plotting to take over the world! Though, lets face it, they would be hard pressed to stuff it more than we have.

The fatties remark from the hairy ape in the peanut gallery (otherwise know as the rude spectator) had me hoping that one of these selfsame 'fatties' would leap out of their enclosure and crush the wanker. Honestly, what a jerk!

Tara's "little SOB's" remark, and Willow's "asshole" in regard to Shamu? Inspired lunacy, my friend! Bravo!

Forgiveness is never necessary when you make us laugh this much, mate!

Cheers,
Paul.

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That’s right: In order to make this event LESS popular, the female activists take off their tops and jog in front of onlookers. - Scott Adams, regarding the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona.


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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 12:15 am 
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13. Big Knowledge Woman
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UO,
Can I say "YAY ME"! A piece of my feckless meandering is the seed which inspires one of your distinctive flights of fancy as only you can produce them.
Your telepathic link allowing us to understand walrus speak and to translate their actions into human parallels puts me in mind of my late literary hero Douglas Adams and his elucidation of dolphin behavior.
Quote:
Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much-the wheel, New York, wars and so on-while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man- for precisely the same reasons.

I wholly share in Walrus Willow and Tara's bafflement and discomfiture as to the reasons behind the cosmetic accoutrements with which mankind seems to obsess over and spend great sums of money on.

Quote:
That's what you get when you have so little blubber you have to wear fabric around your body just to keep warm," Tara added.

"Hey, those lumps I mentioned? I've heard that the human males, and some other females, go crazy about those lumps. Completely crazy," Willow said.

So again, you have made this humble reader of kittensmut and devoted feedback writer very happy.
Cheers

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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 4:28 am 
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18. Breast Gal
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Y'know, the strangest things are cute when Willow and/or Tara do them. Take blowing air through nostrils, for instance, or Tara shyly sprucing up her tusks for Willow's benefit, or enjoying Willow's soft flippers... walrusses or not, they're a cute couple. I'n not entirely sure I'd agree with them about the pointlessness of female 'lumps'... but they're definitely right on the unattractiveness of the skeleton-with-lumps look.

You're really good at humour. Buffy adoringly watching Riley and Angel alpha-male-ing (so, so true to their characters), Tara's grumbling about the 'little SOBs', scaring the bejeesus out of schoolkids... Have you thought about turning this into a series? I'm sure every species - well, all the social ones, anyway - could use a Willow and Tara.

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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 5:47 am 
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3. Flaming O
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Okay, that gave me some frickin' good amusement. Thanks! :party


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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 6:04 am 
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Sigh. I need to find someone to sharpen my tusks to a gleaming white for.

Fun story - thanks.

- Boschi


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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 7:31 am 
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5. Willowhand
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WTF. You are a genius. Crazy, but a genius non the less. :rofl
This story was good for lots and lots of laughing. Thank you for brightening my day. :-D

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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 8:36 am 
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5. Willowhand
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So cute!

I can just visualize them snuggling together....

I've never even thought of walruses as cute animals before...good job.


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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 6:00 pm 
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5. Willowhand
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Sorry for being late with replies. PC updating threw a wrench in the machinery. :)

SithLordWiccan - Thank you! Hm, animal interactions, should keep an eye open there. I bet a lot of animals would be very sarcastic about human behaviour. ;)

Ressick - My pleasure.

a willow angel - Walrus Riley and Walrus Angel was just a clear case of 'couldn't resist'. :D

WillowRules - A lot of animals could be talking behind our backs. :) I bet Shamu'd be one of those creatures who let fame go to their heads. He'd probably be on drugs if he could find a way to snort powder. :) 40 bucks, are you serious? I could buy a game for that money.

caz - LOL! I bet animals talk about us all the time. Cats complain, Monkey's gossip, tigers make sarcastic comments, hyena's just make fun. :)

Paul - Thank you for the compliment. I admit I have my saner moments. Not often, but I do. :)

Quote:
I love the idea of Willow and Tara in a sort of snide commentary position, ala the two grumpy old buggers from the muppets. I could almost see them doing a similar thing in the Bronze, commenting on the bizarre mating rituals of straight people.


Don't give me any ideas! :) I love that image, though.

Yes, soon the Earth shall be ruled by the Walrus, and we humans shall play second fiddle as we are only allowed to feed our new masters fish or all kind of variety.

As for the guy making the fatties remark, I don't think Walrusses can jump very high. But, don't worry, his kind will be the first to be executed when our new master take over the planet and purge the excesses of mankind. :kdevil

Glad to have made you laugh. I means I've done my job. :)

Taralicious - Hey, you're welcome! Thanks for giving me this cool idea in the first place. Just between you and me, I completely agree with the dolphin's point of view.

Quote:
wholly share in Walrus Willow and Tara's bafflement and discomfiture as to the reasons behind the cosmetic accoutrements with which mankind seems to obsess over and spend great sums of money on.


You said it. Botox being the latest horror to add to the mix.

Glad you have made you happy.

Chris - You've noticed that too, huh? I never expected Walrusses to have the cuteness factor I was going for, but because it were Willow and Tara, I think it worked.

Thanks for the compliment. There might be some species of animal appropriate, as long as they lack the stereotypical cuteness factor. Think along the lines of W/T as Komodo dragons, praying mantisses, humpbag whales or vultures. :)

Devi - My pleasure!

Bosci - Don't we all? Glad you liked the story.

Willowlover - I'm still trying to get my official certificate, but sadly I'm still legally sane. :( Oh, well... Glad to have brightened your day, at least.

notl33t - Thanks. Hm, snuggling Walrusses... that does present a cute image.

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 Post subject: Re: Short Silly Uber - What They Think Of Us.
PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 11:27 pm 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light
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:wave WOW!!!!!! :lmao I laughed so hard reading this story. It had me in tears. I loved it. Willow calling Shamu a asshole was fuckin priceless.. :rofl O.M.G kudos to you cause you are to god damn funny!!! I was buried in work :buried and pissed :fit2 , but this story just made my day.. :banana Thumbs up!!! :peace Okay gotta go cause I'm beat. :sleepy

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