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 Post subject: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2002 10:21 am 
Title: Episode 7.1 - “Bobby”

Author: snippygal

Rating: PG-13 for inappropriate sex. And Giles says “asses”. That little rascal.

Spoilers: Joss Wheedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind.

Notes: So I did the tragedy thing. Now it’s time for comedy. At least, I think this is comedy. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced such a thing. It’s a spoof on Season 6 and all the ridiculous things that happened. Not a lot of Willow/Tara goodness, but thought we could use a good hearty laugh. Or at least a tiny chuckle? It’s written in a very simple fashion -- Eye asspyre two bee a Bufffy righter sumeday.





Episode 7.1 - “Bobby”



The bathroom had bad lighting. Kind of fluorescent. Buffy figured it was just as well.



“Bad lighting for a bad life,” she thought aloud as she stared at a new wrinkle in the mirror. She glanced at the rug next to the bathtub. Where it happened. She had trusted Spike. And why shouldn’t she have? He’d never given her any reason not to. She loved him. She just couldn’t tell him, otherwise she wouldn’t have him wrapped around her little finger anymore.



“I want to go back to heeeaaaven,” she thought as she fingered the bullet in her hand. “Nothing is right here. I used to slay vampires, but I haven’t even seen one in months. Spike tried to rape me and I didn’t even kick his ass. It’s just too hard here.”



Buffy loaded the last bullet into the gun, cocked it and placed the barrel in her mouth.



“Goodbye, cruel world,” she said.



Okay, so she didn’t really say it, otherwise it would come out all jumbled. So she just thought it.



Before she got the shot off, the door burst open. (CUE THE HERO MUSIC) and Xander stepped in, pudgy and awkward, his greasy hair taped to his forehead. His hands made a fist and they sat firmly on his hips. His jaw jutted out as he spoke.



“Buffy! Stop!” he exclaimed in a heroic bellow.

“Go away, Xander! This is none of your business!” (This was muffled, because, you know - gun.)

“I can’t let you do this. Remember your first day at Sunnydale? You dropped your stake and I gave it back to you. I love stake-dropping Buffy and I love bad-lighting-gun-in-your-mouth Buffy.”

“Oh Xander.”



Buffy actually said these words because she took the gun out of her mouth.



“These things,” he said, taking the gun from her hands, “never useful.”



Buffy wrapped her arms around Xander’s neck and they hugged and hugged.



“Hey, Buffy? Can we have sex now?”

“I don’t see why not. I’ve screwed everybody else in a soft pornographic way. Let’s do it right here in the bathroom!”

“K!”



And they had sex.



------------------------------



The next day, Dawn pretended to dust some books in the Magic Box, but really she was plotting her next heist. There was a little 99 cent candle she’d had her eye on for quite some time. Just as Anya stepped into the back room to count her money (because it’s funny when that’s all she does), Dawn figured this was her chance. Just as she cupped the little candle into her hand, the door burst open, the bell jingling away.



“Dawn! Stop!”

“Go away, Xander! If I steal stuff I’ll be more interesting!”

“I can’t let you do this. Remember when you didn’t really exist? I love ball-of-green-energy Dawn and I love steals-things-for-no-reason Dawn!”

“Oh, Xander!”

“Can we have sex now?”

“But Xander, I’m not even legal.”

“Neither am I if we’re going by brain development.”

“Okay.”



And they had sex.



-----------------------------



The next day, Willow sat in her room crying. She missed Tara - the love of her life. Her all. Her everything. She shifted through a box of her things. She picked up a band-aid she found under some of the clothes.



“Oh Tara. If only you were still attached to this band-aid ---”



Suddenly, the door burst open.



“Willow! Stop!”

“What? I’m not doing anything!”

“You’re mourning the loss of your one true love!”

“So?”

“Willow, remember when we were in Kindergarten --”

“Xander, you already did that speech.”

“Oh yeah. Well, skip right to the sex, then?”

“I can’t have sex with you. I’m gay.”

“I heard you were bi at best.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Great! And hey! Look what I found!”



In walked a girl who looked just like Tara. The same adorable half-cocked smile, the same golden hair and the same blue eyes.



“Tara?”

“No - Sara! She’s Tara’s identical twin sister. I just met her. She’s straight and loves only me, but she says she’ll do a threesome with us just this once.”

“Okay!”

“Hey everybody!”



In walked Spike with Buffy on his arm.



“I got me a soul now! How ‘bout on orgy?!”



Just as everyone was about to get completely naked ...







Buffy awoke with a shudder. She was lying on the ground among rubble. The sun was slowly rising. She opened her eyes and saw her friends all standing over her.



“Wha - what happened?”

“You sacrificed yourself to save the world!”

“And you lived!”

“Buffy, it was amazing!”



They all started talking at once.



“I had the craziest dream. You were all there and we were on UPN --”



Gasps all around.



“Can you hurry this along, luv? The sun’ll fry me soon.”

“Spike! You got your soul back!”

“What? I don’t have a soul. I’m soulless! Evil! Except that, you know, I love you. But in a very evil way!”

“No! In my dream! You got your soul back. And Anya was a vengeance demon again! And Tara! Tara! You’re alive!”

“Aren’t I usually?”

“Not in my dream. But before you died, you and Willow kissed a lot more and were naked in bed a lot.”

“Must be why she died ...” Willow muttered under her breath.

“Oh,” Tara blushed a shy smile at Willow, missing her comment, “well, we can’t do that kind of stuff here.” The two lovers held hands out of frame.

“No, I suppose not,” Buffy replied.



She scanned her brain for more details.



“Oh! Giles, you were gone most of the time in England and left us in charge of ourselves!”

“I certainly know better than to do that. The lot of you can barely wipe your own asses without me!”

“Xander, you kept saving the day!”

“Me? But I’m just funny guy. I say stupid things and people only laugh to get me to shut up.”

“I know. And Dawnie. Little Dawnie. You stole stuff.”

“Oh. Um ...” Dawn started, but was cut off.

“But now I’m home! Back on the WB and everything’s ---”

An interruption from the set.

“Uh, yeah, Buffy? I need to talk to you for a sec. We just signed a deal -- with PAX. I’m gonna be making some changes. What’s this you say about Xander being the big hero?”



Buffy frowned.

“Oh no. I wish Joss hadn’t have just said that.”

“Done!” Anya commanded, nodding her head.

Nothing.

The Scoobies all laughed and laughed until :



FREEZE FRAME



THE END



“If I liked girls I’d be a happy camper” - Amber Benson, coming around

Edited by: snippygal at: 10/13/02 5:28:37 pm


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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2002 10:55 am 
Now this was FUNNY! :lol :laugh Want some more!



Oh baby, want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I ... stop explaining things.

Hi, um Tara..how are you? well...I was wondering maybe you want to go out some time...for coffee? food? Kisses and gay love?

Edited by: snuggle79 at: 6/29/02 2:55:56 am


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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2002 11:50 am 
Good laugh. Just one thing: Giles would have spelled it "arses". ;)

"Willow and Tara keep kissing. It is intense, it is passionate, and it is, above all else, love. Truly and forever."
"Entropy" shooting script



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2002 12:32 pm 
:rollin This was very funny!!!

You certainly can write comedy as well as tragedy.

"I am a whiz...If ever a whiz there was"



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2002 12:36 pm 
That was too funny...I really enjoyed it, especially the part about PAX.



Now, I'm thinking the title "Bobby" is funny either because it means something or because it *doesn't* mean something, but I can't figure out which....



What did I miss?







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 Post subject: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2002 5:31 pm 
Oh my, Now that was funny. My abs hurt from laughin' so hard, and now I gotta pee (Sorry that's problly to much information for all you kittens) :) . That's awsome. You rule. :grin

Much Love,

Lisa

This is our Last Embrace, Must I dream and Always see your face.~ Jeff Buckley "Last goodbye"



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2002 6:51 pm 
Glad you guys enjoyed it. I can get a little sick sometimes, alone in my own little world.



Tulipp -- The title "Bobby" referrs to Bobby the character from Dallas and the infamous dream season reset. I figured if we did a reset, it should be in the worst way possible.



Oh - and Giles was going to say "arse" but then I remembered everytime he ever said "ass" he said "ass", so I figured I'd stick with "ass". And, as an American, I think the word "ass" is funny. Isn't it? No? Okay. Nevermind. How about "snickerdoodle"? Now "snickerdoodle" is a funny word. Go on. Say it out loud.



---------------------------

"If I liked girls, I'd be a happy camper" - Amber Benson, coming around



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2002 12:03 am 
Okay that was toooo funny :grin

These five words in my head scream "are we having fun yet?"

Chad Kroeger



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2002 3:52 pm 
Hehe. Pretty darned funny. Thanks for the laugh.



Julia go back to bed now. Sleepy. *sniff sniff* Girl smell nice.

"Heart falling fast- When she left, even the Milky Way was dressed in black... Take a trip on a rocket ship, baby- Where the sea is the sky..."

Edited by: Dumbsaint at: 6/30/02 7:52:54 am


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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2002 2:33 am 
Awesome! did you just realize that you turned to Floating Rose? Love the part with Willow! :devil :drool

All I know is that I know nothing - Socrates


T: I am, you know...
W:What?
T:Yours...

*Under their spell*


Whoever wrote the Book of Love had Willow and Tara in mind.



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2002 2:58 am 
Thanks for pointing that out! I didn't realize I was a floating rose!

*thought I felt a bit lighter today; just assumed it was the VeggieBurger, though*



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2002 6:26 am 
:bounce



Thanks for keeping Tara alive!! I've been reading too much angsty fic and needing something uplifting!!



Kit



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2002 9:51 am 
Oh the bitterness, the xander description, pudgy, greasy hee. And then Sara, and finally w/t holding hands out of frame. Brilliant!

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Willow: (to Tara) I could heal.

Tara: (to Willow)And we’re gone.



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2002 1:42 pm 
I said snickerdoodle aloud and instantly wished I hadn't. You see, it is a really funny word. It's laugh-out-loud funny. Just not in church... ;)



This is great. I love the fact that everyone has sex all the time. Classic. And I won't stay too long in this post because you know, I might end up having sex.



Oh wait... ;)


----------
What kind of lesbians are you? You love men so much...go love men!



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 5:17 am 
now that is a season worth seeing. lol i laughed my but off.xander was...well...xander,but times 10. lol

i hope to see more in the future. :grin

much love :love

megan



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 5:28 am 
:lol :lol :lol Now *that* was funny.

Tracy

******************


VILLOV

I troost yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!

*******************

Tara. Accept No Substitutes.



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 5:50 am 
ROTFLMAO :rollin That was too funny!! :laugh :p

Tk's new and improved "GrrArgg"

-----------------------------
Tara was similarly riveted, her body on slow burn as Willow's lips parted and her mouth opened, the food slipping inside and being consumed. Never in her life had Tara ever wanted to be a chicken casserole so badly...Later that night..."It's good to be a chicken casserole," Tara murmured, before passing out. ~ Answering Darkness by Sassette



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 6:37 am 
I read. I laguhed. I enjoyed. I want more. ;)



~Joy

IttyBittyKitty: "creme filled though...a little subtle there?"
TwiLightJoy: "There are reasons for everything, I tell ya! Chocolate-frosted reasons!"
IttyBittyKitty: "that is quite enough of YOUR sass!"



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 6:50 am 
:lol LMAO!! :laugh That was sooooo funny!! God I loved it!!

"W-well, I-I was wondering, maybe, you would wanna go out sometime? For coffee ... food ... kisses and gay love?" - Willow (Normal Again)



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 9:16 am 
He he he he he, sooooooooo funny!! But blech on the Xander sex...for obvious reasons :D He he he, oh I just got why the title was Bobby...ahem...yes I am a dumbass.



love Aly xxxx

"This whole us things is...bleh!" Willow to Xander in Lover's Walk



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 10:41 am 
wow, i never replied to this - i read it, laughed, meant to reply, but i guess i never did. aw, well, better late thean never, right?



this was great, really amusing. you just took the whole season and twisted it ever so slightly, huh?.



thanks for this, it certainly made me laugh. :D



steph

"Dr. Becker, have you seen the skeleton?" "What do you think I am, a skeleton thief? You want to search me?!"
"Oh, bugger off, you brolly!" - Anya to Giles on his use of the english language
"We'll all be a lot happier without the constant whining....Mom, Buffy, Tara, Waah" - DMW to Dawn



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 11:09 am 
Wow, that was soooooo funny! :rollin



I found the holding hands thing funny and Willow's under her breath comment. In fact the whole thing was classic. Nice one.



I want more though and I wont rest until I get more! ;)



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 3:13 pm 
ROTFL! This was too funny; thanks for the escape from the angst. Gotta love Xander - pudgy, awkward, greasy Xander who feels the love for everyone. That’s my hero, even though he’s not legal judging by brain development. I also think Buffy may be more articulate than usual with the gun muzzle in her mouth.



I thought the title might be an allusion to the famous ‘Bobby in the shower’ Dallas episode. Thanks again for the laugh.



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 6:28 pm 
Well well well -- the kittens love to laugh. Coulda fooled me with all the angst hanging around here!



So I was considering writing an entire season, with the gang going through the ups and downs known as PAX TV. It's all going to lead up to a three-episode arc finale involving the community potluck. You won't want to miss it.



Seriously though -- any interest?



"Jeez, who died?

Oh God! Who died?"




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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 7:28 pm 
Ah yes…Buffy the Comedy. Sure sounds better than Season Seven: Spike the Slayer Layer. I, for one, would be reading. Bring it on.



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 7:29 pm 
much of the interest over here! can't wait! please say you're gonna be getting on with that soon? or were you just teasing us? was that what it was? teasing? it better not have been.... :grin



steph

"Dr. Becker, have you seen the skeleton?" "What do you think I am, a skeleton thief? You want to search me?!"
"Oh, bugger off, you brolly!" - Anya to Giles on his use of the english language
"We'll all be a lot happier without the constant whining....Mom, Buffy, Tara, Waah" - DMW to Dawn



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2002 1:35 am 
Please, please do more! I just read this a second time (and this time I didn't have to ask what "Bobby" referred to --duh), and it's hilarious. I am a big angst fan, but I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have another kind of season 7 to read. Entertain us!



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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2002 7:35 am 
No. I'm serious. Very serious.



Or am I?



Yes. I am.



And that concludes my final "Joss Moment" -- from now on it's fun, fun, fun!! I've started writing some stuff -- it starts a little slow, but I promise it picks up. Okay, so "picks up" is a tad strong. It's less dull. Can you handle "less dull"?



I'll post in a few days.



"Jeez, who died?

Oh God! Who died?"




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 Post subject: Re: Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof
PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2002 9:23 am 
hell yeah! less dull's my favorite! seriously, really looking forward to it. :D



steph

"Dr. Becker, have you seen the skeleton?" "What do you think I am, a skeleton thief? You want to search me?!"
"Oh, bugger off, you brolly!" - Anya to Giles on his use of the english language
"We'll all be a lot happier without the constant whining....Mom, Buffy, Tara, Waah" - DMW to Dawn



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 Post subject: BRAVO!!!
PostPosted: Fri Jul 26, 2002 9:17 pm 


Large Clapping Hands



Rescue Hero Xander, made me want to laugh and vomit all at the same time.



Keep up the fic, it is just AWESOME!







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