Posts: 135
Registered: Oct 2000 posted November 29, 2000 13:21
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It occured to me that if Tara has her own set of constellations it follows that there must be a completely different set of astrological charts as well, so here are your TaraScopes. I hope you find them useful in planning you day to day life.

Your TaraScopes for the Week of November 26 to December 3
by Swami Bowler

Woman Trying on Shoes: (March 21 - April 19)
It might be time to consider conceding the election before you look like even more of a pathetic loser than you already do.

Moose Getting a Sponge Bath: (April 20 - May 20)
Be on your guard, sometime this week you'll go to the kitchen only to completely forget what you went there for.

Two Girls Kissing: (May 21 - June 21)
Peace reigns at your house when a long-standing argument with a family member is finally put to rest when you agree to disagree about 'less filling' vs 'tastes great.'

Miss Kitty Fantastico: (June 22 - July 22)
This week, if someone should accuse you of being a monkey do not respond by scurrying up a tree and flinging feces at them.

Big Pineapple: (July 23 - August 22)
Deal with financial matters this week. You can start by taking that big honking jar of pennies to the bank. Oh sure, you always say "I'll get around to it," but I'm sick and tired of having the damn thing in the garage. I want my parking space back.

VCR Flashing 12:00: (August 23 - September 22)
Your lovelife takes a downturn early in the week but improves dramtically on Friday when your shackles get back from the repair shop.

Number Six: (September 23 - October 23)
You will be plagued with feelings you don't exist. Don't worry you do, except in online top ten list written by total weirdos.

Toaster Oven: (October 24 - November 21)
You'll have to deal with a difficult coworker this week. Miss Manners may disagree, but the Swami says just smack the crap out of this loser.

Short Man Looking Uncomfortable: (November 22 - December 21)
The stars predict an uptick in your social life as you will receive more than twice the usual amount of mail addressed to "occupant."

Little Pile 'o Crackers: (December 22 - January 19)
A less than stellar week is ahead for you. The Swami recomends barricading yourself in your breakfast nook with canned goods and a shotgun. If you don't have a breakfast nook - move to a house that does or use your neighbor's. It vitally important you be in a breakfast nook when the shit goes down.

Tacky Sweater: (January 20 - February 18)
A great week is ahead for you. Your boss gives you a promotion. All your favorite teams will win. Your bank discovers a 500 dollar accounting error in your favor and your girlfriend confesses that her secret fantasy is to share you with another woman. O.K. there's that whole being hit and killed by a runaway Semi thing. But try and look on the bright side.

Half of a Camel: (February 19 - March 20)
It might be time to consider a new career as asking "Do you want frys with that?" just doesn't bring you the same deeply fulfilling sense of satisfaction it used to.

[This message has been edited by LordBowler (edited 11-29-2000).]

Jon@han
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 159
Registered: Oct 2000 posted November 29, 2000 13:45
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Nice change of pace, Herr Bowler.[1]

I used to write for the humor section of my campus underground newspaper, which means 9 times of 10, I got stuck doing horoscopes. I would 1500 words, which is a lot of space for a four page rag.
Now, if you divide that by 13 (twelve 'scopes plus one "if today be yo birday"), you get a series of very short passages, wherein it is difficult to write anything of any import. It is hard to be funny in 100 words, 13 times.

Until I got wise. I discovered that if I wrote 12 one-line 'scopes, each only about 15 words long, I could write a small essay every week in the remaining space.

We actually got "letters to the editor" [2] when I ran long quotes from "Les Miserable" two weeks in a row.

I thought it was funny.

--
Rev.Jon@han

[1] At least, I assume "herr" because of the masculine sense implied by "Lord". But on the internet....
[2] almost universally complaints.

april
Gay Now!

Posts: 1191
Registered: Oct 2000 posted November 29, 2000 14:10
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LOL! now i'm on the cusp of Big Pineapple and VCR Flashing 12:00...god, i wonder what that means.
i think i'll take the pineapple.

spuckie
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 241
Registered: Sep 2000 posted November 29, 2000 15:01
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yeah! my tarascope sign is MKF!!!
anyway, other than tossing feces... i'm thinking all those born under the sign of the number 6 must be named Dawn, eh?

Roxton
Gay Now!

Posts: 1326
Registered: Sep 2000 posted November 29, 2000 19:22
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Okay, it looks like I'm a Toaster Oven. So I should just smack the crap out of this loser. Interesting approach.

Zahir
Willowhand

Posts: 384
Registered: Nov 2000 posted November 29, 2000 19:33
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"Short Man Looking Uncomfortable?"
Why? Gods, why? And...how did you know?

------------------
"O let my name be
in the Book of Love.
If it be there,
I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out!
Or write it in anew.
But let it be
in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam

LordBowler
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 135
Registered: Oct 2000 posted November 29, 2000 20:48
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Just thought I'd note that (and I didn't realize this when I made this up) that I am ironically enough a "Number Six."

SciFiAcid
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 268
Registered: Sep 2000 posted November 29, 2000 21:12
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Whoop Baby! I'm a MFK as well!

judy
Willowhand

Posts: 309
Registered: Sep 2000 posted November 29, 2000 22:14
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Woo hoo! I'm a Miss Kitty Fantastico as well. Much better than being a crab... Sadly, though, I am allergic to my own sign. Hmmm, this seems symbolically accurate.
[This message has been edited by judy (edited 11-29-2000).]

xita
Ms. Moderator Fantastico

Posts: 2674
Registered: Sep 2000 posted November 29, 2000 22:54
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I am "short man looking uncomfortable," I am so bummed I almost made little pile 'o crackers. If my mother had only waited a couple of weeks. Darn!


willow4tara
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 131
Registered: Sep 2000 posted November 29, 2000 23:32
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Moose getting a sponge bath
Being a forgetful Moose is difficult at times, but at least the warm sponge baths are nice, especially when Amber brings the big sponges.

april
Gay Now!

Posts: 1191
Registered: Oct 2000 posted November 30, 2000 10:18
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hey, xita, happy birthday sometime soonish!
(or did it already happen? happy birthday in that case, too!)

and happy birthday to all the other short men looking uncomfortable out there!

Dr.G
Gay Now!

Posts: 1022
Registered: Jan 2001 posted November 30, 2000 10:44
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I hadn't read this yet, grinning now
I like that my sign is Two Girls Kissing

Oh and that Woman Trying on Shoes has to be GWB right? Say yes please...

Thassa
Floating Rose

Posts: 46
Registered: Sep 2000 posted November 30, 2000 19:22
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They'd have to be comfortable shoes in my case. I have never bothered to learn how to walk in heels (archaic torture devices). Hmmm, I've always wanted to try politics, but this might not be a very good sign.


fell
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 155
Registered: Nov 2000 posted December 01, 2000 01:32
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Dear Swami,
My Half of a Camel left me for a Toaster Oven and i've been so stale i'm just falling to crumbs.
Then today, in the bottom of my box i found the other half of my Half of a Camel and Mr. Monkey without his Monkey Pants and i swear they both smelled like peanut butter!
What does it all mean, Swami? Is there any hope for us? I can't believe it's not butter.

a lonely Little Pile O'Crackers

LordBowler
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 135
Registered: Oct 2000 posted December 01, 2000 10:16
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Lonely Little Pile o' Crackers,
You were warned to get thee to a breakfast nook.

Of course this breakup was inevitable, Little Pile o' Crackers never find lasting happiness with Half of a Camels. You need to look for true love wih one of the cheese signs. Try and hook up with a nice Moose Getting a Sponge Bath or a VCR Flashing 12:00. I know things are looking down right now but the Swami sees true love for you sometime within the next 43.7 years.

fell
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 155
Registered: Nov 2000 posted December 01, 2000 23:09
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Dear Swami,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Was just checking out my neighbor's breakfast nook and found out she's a VCR Flashing 12:00. I just know we're gonna make beautiful chedda togetha.

Signed,

A Warm and Crispy Little Pile O'Crackers

calliope
Doll's eye crystal

Posts: 59
Registered: Nov 2000 posted December 02, 2000 02:45
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I'm a Moose getting a sponge bath? Dude, I always forget the reasons why I go places, especially the kitchen. So this means I can only look forward to more of this...Oh well..Honestly, I think it may have somethign to do with the fact that I actually say "dude" alot in casual conversation, and I think that probably kills brain cells


SJ
Doll's eye crystal

Posts: 103
Registered: Dec 2000 posted December 02, 2000 15:48
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I am a Number Six and it is so accurate.

Author Topic: Your Tarascopes: week December 4th through 12th
Jon@han
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 159
Registered: Oct 2000 posted December 04, 2000 17:41
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{with apologies/tipofcap to LordBowler}
Woman Trying on Shoes: (March 21 - April 19)
Saturn is retrograde, so chances of being staked are high. Avoid blondes of both sexes.
Pay debts promptly.

Moose Getting a Sponge Bath: (April 20 - May 20)
Expect a surprise in the mail. Ask Postal inspectors to drop by on Thursday to prevent nasty weekend. Stock up on stamps to resend package to "special friend"

Two Girls Kissing: (May 21 - June 21)
Its all roses ahead from now on! Be sure to let that cute redhead in your life know how you feel. When the camera is pointed your way, pucker up and make some dreams come true!

Miss Kitty Fantastico: (June 22 - July 22)
Astonish everyone with your chameleon-like powers of self-transmogrification. Disappear for weeks on end, then act like nothing has changed when you return. Remain aloof when questioned.

Big Pineapple: (July 23 - August 22)
Your "girlfriend" is getting suspicious. I don't think you can explain the marks on your arms for much longer as "Oh, I just tried heroin last night." And I think the turtlenecks won't work much longer either.

VCR Flashing 12:00: (August 23 - September 22)
Your life will still be on hold for several more months. Drop in on long absent pals when they least expect it. Bring fun and excitement with you when you do. Till, then, sit tight and wait for the exercise hour.

Number Six: (September 23 - October 23)

Toaster Oven: (October 24 - November 21)
Mercury rising indicates an excellent outlook for you. Remember this rule of thumb: Romance == good; passionless pandering == angst.

Short Man Looking Uncomfortable: (November 22 - December 21)
Do not, repeat, do _not_ attempt to kill or destroy or banish any demons that bear an amazing resemblance to you. More is occuring than meets the eye. Remain calm, and seek outside help. All will turn out better than it begins.

Little Pile 'o Crackers: (December 22 - January 19)
Absolutely nothing of import hapens this week. Rest while you can.

Half of a Camel: (February 19 - March 20)
Be cautious when walking down dark alleys. If you hear a strange noise, do not investigate it. Wear more than one holy symbol. Don't get involved, and don't walk like a victim. Most important, never, never allow yourself to be referred to as "schmucky the bait".

If your Birthday is this week....
It isn't easy when people keep telling you that you are a non-existent person, or that you don't belong, or that they need you to accomplish some sort of acolyptic ritual. Just tell yourself this:
"I'm smart enough, good enough, and gosh darn it, I'm a human being!"

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Rev.Jon@han

tommo
Big Pineapple

Posts: 704
Registered: Sep 2000 posted December 04, 2000 17:46
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Okay, look, these are hysterical and all....but do I HAVE to be 'Moose Getting a Sponge Bath'? It all seems so....ahem, bestial in some way....


Jon@han
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 159
Registered: Oct 2000 posted December 04, 2000 18:47
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Just keep in mind, Tommo, that
"The satyrs impel, but do not compel..."[-1]
--
Rev.Jon@han

[x] Does anyone else think my puns are funny? I think that one [-1] is one of my best.[2] See, it's funny cus I'm not only mutilating a famous quote, _but_ I managed to imply bestiality in two different ways! _And_ the quote I mutilated is frequently quoted by astrologers, so Tara would hear it often, which makes it quite clearly on-topic as well! I'm so clever!!
Ok, never mind. "introduce me to my insect reflection", why don't you.
[2] retroactive footnote. Boy, I'm in an abtruse mood now.

SciFiAcid
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 268
Registered: Sep 2000 posted December 04, 2000 21:17
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Tee-hee. I like mine. Two Girls Kissing These are great... once again!


Stella by Starlight
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 180
Registered: Sep 2000 posted December 04, 2000 21:28
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Hey! I'm feeling neglected! What's the horoscope for February 12th?
Stella - otherwise known as The Aquarian

LordBowler
Cool Monster Fighter

Posts: 135
Registered: Oct 2000 posted December 04, 2000 22:43
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Great Job and thanks for taking up the slack. I've got to finish my master's thesis this week so I don't really have the time it take to do these. But you forgot Tacky Sweater: (January 20 - February 18), and why is there no Tarascope for Number Six.

xita
Ms. Moderator Fantastico

Posts: 2674
Registered: Sep 2000 posted December 04, 2000 23:04
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I loved the "girlfriend" in quotes for The Big Pinapple. Time's running out white bread.


Corporeal Dennis
Doll's eye crystal

Posts: 65
Registered: Nov 2000 posted December 05, 2000 09:22
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quote:
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Originally posted by Jon@han:
Ok, never mind. "introduce me to my insect reflection", why don't you.

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"Jon@han, this is your Insect Reflection. Zorak, this is Jon@han. He's very funny, and not at all crunchy, so please don't devour him."

ObKitten: A question for y'all to ponder... Miss Kitty Fantastico: Extremely cute but less-than-essential background character, or plot point hiding in plain sight? Talk amongst yourselves.