I've been wanting to write something into this thread for a long time, so here we go. It's long, yes; but it's short in comparison of what's inside my head and what's my
whole story. I apologise for my language mistakes, I'm not a native speaker.
The first signs of my not-so-straightness had started when I was 11 - I was having dreams about a girl whom I didn't know, my mind had just fabricated her. (By the way, she was absolutely perfect and gorgeous!) But when the dreams stopped, I have just forgotten about them, knowing that the 'confusion' is rather common among the teens.
It seems that I had been a total tomboy for the huge part of my life. I played basketball, never really hung out with girls, wore boyish clothes… Up until 13, when I've started to want to look girly. I was afraid I would be even more different if I just continued with comfy tomboy look. I was in a basketball team and I just saw the difference between me and other girls, slowly becoming even more visible. I wanted to remain the part of the team. Following the example, I started to use a bit of make-up and mascara, pluck my eyebrows, buy girlier clothes and I even started to hang out with girls.
My father was always making fun of how boyish kid I was; not in a bad way though, but I didn't like it and I hated someone question my gender; just because I had behaved or looked like a boy, doesn’t mean I’m not girl, or that I’m a lesbian or that I want to be a boy. Though I've had really girly body and then even behaved and dressed like a girl, I was subconsciously a bit unsure of those two ‘facts’ about myself. Girl. Liking boys. I didn’t think about it like this back then, I had absolutely no idea that it could have been different. I even fell head over heels in love with a woman - woman nearly 30 years older than me, mind you - without realising it. That realisation came with Robert's (my best friend) coming out to me. Not at once, but after a few months… and considering the dreams and my crush, it clicked like a missing piece of puzzle. I was… 14. And I thought I was bi.
For some reasons, I do have trust issues with people and the whole idea of 'letting someone in' freaks me out a bit, but I trust women more. Men are too... strong, insistent, they are too in control and I can't trust them to not to misuse their power. I just hope, maybe someday I would meet a man that would prove me wrong. I want to believe in men, I want them to be the knights, the fighters, the protectors again.
I don't like the whole 'label' thing and I don't like the idea of coming out. It's like the unspoken rule; if you are gay, you have to come out. Otherwise you aren't
really gay. So consider this a non-coming out post, but
oh yes, I'm actually coming out with this post, which totally ruins the non-coming out part... Duh.
I like a person, not body. When I fall in love, I don't give half a damn about one's looks or
equipment. I'm a desperate romantic, I had been writing poems to my girl as long as we were together. I'm reserving an hour before I fall asleep to imagine what a life with a woman I love and who loves me back would be like, and I hope I'll dream about it trought the night. I'm a love's bitch.
And I'm perfectly closeted. It's not that my friends or family are conservative, prudent or even hateful towards people like me. In fact, my classmates were perfectly OK with Robert. But I do believe my sexuality isn't anyone's business and given how sacred the whole idea of love is to me, it's just.. private and I refuse to let the gender of the person I Iove to define who I am; the personality is what matters. In addition, I feel safer and more confident with my secrets and inner life - I know that many gay people were relieved when they came out, because they finally could be themselves, but I would feel... very vulnerable and scared. So I guess that depends. I myself, reserve the 'myself' for only few people, others are able to see only a wall.
Though we were together with my girlfriend for a long time, I didn't introduce her to my parents. I've never really been close to either of them. They were just... two people whom I was forced to grow up with and I'm still looking forward to a day when I'll be finally free. Our relationship is rather complicated - I'm not being a 'rebellious teen' but it's too long, off-topic story and I'm still figuring it out. Even if I told them about my girlfriend, they have already lost a right to go all
"It's wrong!" and
"Get outta' my house!". In fact, I would gratefully pack my things and told them to go sod off.
However, I do consider asking my grandmother what she thinks about gay people. She is a lot like me and she is that sort of woman, who would love you no matter what circumstances and even if you dated a frog, she would just say "If you are happy, then I'm happy too." She brought me up, she isn't religious and I love her. I think... she should know; she earnt it. She also had a great marriage with my grandfather, I remember them being so in love, even after such long years.. and then he died. Just like that, he had lung cancer, though he had NEVER put a bloody cigarette into his mouth. I guess true love always ends tragically, as if it was trying to convince us, that in the end - it wasn't real.
I'm currently 16. I'm not ashamed of being who I'm, or that I dated a girl and I prefer to have a relationship with women; they are just more capable of the love I dream of - I have a proof now. I like that
this is just.. mine. I'm not going to share it with the outer world; they wouldn't understand how wonderful it is. And yes, I do stand up for gay people being harassed when I witness it. (I feel now like a secret double-agent on the journey of vengeance and redemption from the bad straights!)