FIC: The Late Shift

[mollyig]

And why in all that is holy do I have Avocados where my boobs should be? What part of my psyche brought THAT into play?



Tears streaming out of my eyes - my glasses have started to fog up.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[NewRuthRising]

Oh dear... I just got out of the shower and I'm laughing so hard my towel is slipping. Ok, deep breaths...in...out.

Nope, didn't work. YOU ROCK!!!! Espressos all round!!



Ruth

I can't help feeling like a fool, since I lost that place inside, where my heart knew it's way, and my soul was ever wise.-Alison Kraus

Edited by: NewRuthRising at: 8/1/02 5:14:12 am

[Sassette]

Ahhh, wiccachica ...



Clearly, you're insane.



I like that about you *G*



-Sass

[Grimaldi]

great update, weird (but in a good way)

the junk food eating Willow fish and Tara with avacado boobs was too funny

Dude, we're surrounded by perverts!

Cross my heart, smack me dead, stick a lobster on my head.

We'll roll on with our heads held high - The Living End

[tkheaven]

*tk falls off the side of her chair landing on her side and doubling over from the hysterics of laughter



I know dreams can get wierd but, well....this is insanely weird

Tk's new and improved "GrrArgg"

-----------------------------
Tara was similarly riveted, her body on slow burn as Willow's lips parted and her mouth opened, the food slipping inside and being consumed. Never in her life had Tara ever wanted to be a chicken casserole so badly...Later that night..."It's good to be a chicken casserole," Tara murmured, before passing out. ~ Answering Darkness by Sassette

[Pixie gishmock]

*blink*

*blink*







(btw, my gf found the troll's advice on love quite amusing.)

Life is full of changes...The better you are at letting go of things, the freer your hands will be to catch something new. ~from Off The Map by Joan Ackerman
"It's good to be a chicken casserole," Tara murmured before passing out. ~from "Answering Darkness" by Sassette

[wiccachica]

Beck and Call in the AM...but for tonight...





Chapter 185: I, The Parallelogrammatical Somnambulist



Okay...I am strictly from the school of: it's nice to keep one's head in the sand...(my resting place happening to be a sand pit may not be coincidence I fear)… to stay out of the ball game for at least the first two innings...or until you get a steely gaze from your coach…



Understand. I AM about to wake up...most likely sooner than later...but right now...as my dreams shift course, and blow distinctly NORTH...I find myself standing on the edge of a glistening body of water.



I stick out a bare foot to dab my toe in...to test the temperature.



crinkle[/b] Cellophane...Saran Wrap water...and tepid to boot...



Tissue paper seagulls flutter, spiral, and dive in the distance over plastic-wrap water. Most likely circling above cardboard fish or those hard plastic castanet clamshells



Construction paper trees lean with the wind...and I'm almost certain that if I bend down and dip my fingers into the warm sand I'm standing on...will actually turn out to be granulated sugar.



Oh...hell...why not...



I crouch down and dip two fingers into the sand...I bring it under my nose and pat the tips of my finger to my tongue.



Sand.



Pataw! Patooey!



I spit and mutter as I come back to my feet.



What kind of dork am I not to dream up sugar for sand...?



I find myself suddenly face to face with Willow. She is conveniently and appropriately clad in a pair of coconut shells.



" Hi, Pudding!" She pipes up... Putting her arms around my waist and popping generous kisses on my cheek and throat.



Puddin I'm thinking it's an odd little affectionate name...but then again...hey...with the kisses...and the hands moving up the ol arms here...and the ...hey...hello there non finny Willow gams...



Oh yeah...you can call me Bobo the trick-dancing donkey if you want to.



" Is this heaven?" I murmur against her lips as she strikes a kiss there too.



" For you...or me?" She says...her lips smiling against mine. I pull back both slightly...and reluctantly...



" Okay...so is this a dream?" I ask and she smiles and winks.



" I think you're half awake, sweetie...open your eyes...." I look at her and she strokes my cheek.



“ What?”



“ Open your eyes…You think it’s good in here…it’s nothing compared to the real thing….” Willow says.



“ My eyes are open…I’m looking right at you…see?” I continue to look at her…only mildly distracted by the coconuts…mildly like totally…mildly like…I’m wondering what kind of tan line a pair of half coconuts would leave….



“ Tara…open those pretty blues for me…” I hear Willow say…except this time the Willow in front of me…her lips don’t move.



Now THAT’S a little off kilter…In fact….



This Willow seems a little more like the automated characters at Disney World…She strokes my cheek…her smile pleasant…kissable…but a little like Abe Lincoln’s in the Halls of History…



“ But what about the plastic water?” A woman with my voice mutters aloud.



“ I love you, Tare…come on back to me..” I hear Willow laugh under her breath and say again from nowhere and everywhere at once. “ Open Your eyes…”



I blink…I flutter…I strain…



“ Even with Avocado breasts?” I hear myself mutter…



Well that is an important factor to get out of the way in a relationship…the old “hey, Honey I have sun-ripened produce for boobs at 1.99 each on sale...” scenario



I hear Willow chuckle.



“ You win for most obscure and random sleep babble… hands down.” She says.



I finally manage my eyes open. The world I find is filled with Willow…



Just the way I like it.



Her concerned face close to my own…gauging the look on my face…holding my hand in both of hers and close to her heart.



She is sitting on the edge of a huge…extremely cushy bed.



I lift my head…slowly…to the keep the spinning of the room to a minimum. My brain racks as my head reels.



Okay…the room is not turning…the bed is….



Six burly amazons are casually turning the bed manually…using bamboo poles and brute strength.



I blink at them…



They go about their merry business of making the bed rotate steadily.



“ Okay…two questions…” I say to Willow slowly…making sure the words come out right.



“ Shoot.” Willow says.



“ One…WHY am I not DEAD right now? And Two… can’t we just put a quarter in the bed like respectable folk?”



Willow looks overjoyed to have me back in this plane of existence with her. She strokes the hair away from my brow.



“ You should have been here when I had to make them stop the ‘vibrating-love-bed’ feature…” She says emphatically.



TBC…

" I mock you with my Monkey Pants!" - OZ


" Nymph! (pause)Nymphette?"


"Nympho." -The Pirate Movie
-


" If you imps are lookin for a fight, then ya come to the Chapel Oblige-ya!!" - Legend

[Sassette]

Oh, Sweet Baby Jesus.



I'm ... with the ... and ... holy ... ummm ... kind of like ... schnikeys.



Everything is just so very VERY random ... I love it - it's frickin' ... God, this is good stuff *G*



-Sass

______________________________________

I Think The Hellmouth Tastes Like Chicken -- Autumn

[NewRuthRising]

Okay, just for that, I've gone to Sunnydale, ripped the Espresso Pump off it's foundation and brought to you.*Fawn*



That was just....and with the....and the avocados....and the bed...

*scritchscritchscritchscritchscritch*



Keep it up!



Ruth

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I get the distinct impression that none of us are as cool as we think we are. Hm. - Tommo

[mollyig]

I think Willow was right to relinquish her title of champion of most obscure and random sleep babble



Excellent!

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[Grimaldi]

loved the update,



“You should have been here when I had to make them stop the ‘vibrating-love-bed’ feature…” too funny

Dude, we're surrounded by perverts!

Cross my heart, smack me dead, stick a lobster on my head.

We'll roll on with our heads held high - The Living End

[wiccachica]

Rane018…Crazy Chica? CRAZY Chica????(feigns various stages of effrontery and shock…then deflates) …Okay…Crazy Chica is actually a fair assessment of me…I’ll give that one to you.



LeatherQueen…Okay…so I’m still hung up on this full-body scritching thing….Does it include a complimentary box of chocolates and a wide screen back-to-back feature showing of Resident Evil and Return to Me.



Mollyig…You know how I LOVE to make your glasses fog up…(cuz I think glasses are highly snockery) Also…can I say I have this image of a big golden Babble belt…and Willow handing it off to Tara…



Ruth…You certainly know the way to my heart…ESSPRESSO. …and the slipping towel….<> right back at you! (holds out one hand for cup…and other hand for towel.)



Sass… That you like that I’m insane makes me wonder…what if I were Dingo Dog-bite crazy? Would ya love me??? And as far as the “Random” comment goes…I’ll have you know that a crack group of technologically advanced trolls are working around the clock on the most modern and up-to-date method of random story plot writing. ( Timothy Troll digs his paw into The Big Hat and pulls out a slip of paper) “B-9” He calls out. All of the other trolls in the room scroll their bingo boards and Paul Troll leaps up… “ Willow in a fish tail! Willow in a fish tail!”



Grimaldi…I aspire to one day build a vibrating bed of love just for you. Jus you wait ‘enry iggins…



TkHeaven…I’ll let you in on a little secret…the dream…the avocados…all true…totally happened…I woke up one morning gripping my bazongas…wondering what in the heck I was going to do after avocado season was over….



Pixie Your GF thinks I’m crazy right??? Just remember…it ain’t love if it don’t scar….







-chica

" I mock you with my Monkey Pants!" - OZ


" Nymph! (pause)Nymphette?"


"Nympho." -The Pirate Movie
-


" If you imps are lookin for a fight, then ya come to the Chapel Oblige-ya!!" - Legend

[LeatherQueen]

Ah, chica, for this last bit, the full-body scritching will not only include chocolates and screenings of Resident Evil and Return to Me, but I will supply you will all the java you want and lots of sammiches.

--------------------------------


"But when they're playing your song on the jukebox in Hell, you might as well dance." - K. Simpson


"Futile... like a FOX, baby!" - Tara in The Late Shift by wiccachica

[wiccachica]

LeatherQueen...Queen of my heart...and...well... leather...



Are they peanut butter and honey Sammiches(TM)??? Cuz if they are...I'll write more weird stuff...guaranteed.



-chica

" I mock you with my Monkey Pants!" - OZ


" Nymph! (pause)Nymphette?"


"Nympho." -The Pirate Movie
-


" If you imps are lookin for a fight, then ya come to the Chapel Oblige-ya!!" - Legend

[tkheaven]

Ok, so i read the latest update followed by your reply to my feedback....between the two I almost hit my head against the PC screen from laughing so damn hard... do you usually wake up grabbing your bazongas? Can I have a go at one? Let's see if these avacados are just right...

Oh God I can't stop laughing...



Edited cuz typing and full-force laughter is hazardous...LOL I typed :rollon instead of okokok... deeep breeeaaath

Tk's new and improved "GrrArgg"

-----------------------------
Tara was similarly riveted, her body on slow burn as Willow's lips parted and her mouth opened, the food slipping inside and being consumed. Never in her life had Tara ever wanted to be a chicken casserole so badly...Later that night..."It's good to be a chicken casserole," Tara murmured, before passing out. ~ Answering Darkness by Sassette

Edited by: tkheaven  at: 8/3/02 9:13:43 am

[wiccachica]

tkheaven...I try not to wake up EVERY morning grabbing my Bazongas...that would make the fun of having others grab them mundane....and hah...that I say others...like theres a queue of Others out there lines up to grab at them...lol...but hey...I come from a generous culture...Mi bazongas es to bazongas...grab away...and glad I could offer you such entertainment...



-chica



And now...in what I'd like to consider my trek back to inane and obscure oddness of the troll...I bring you this next Shift...







Chapter 186: That’s Tara Palooka Steel to You…



Here I am…living…of the Alive…and basically unscathed…



My head is lying comfortably on Willow’s lap as she croons and strokes my forehead and almost defies human flexibility by bending forward to kiss me while I am facing away from her.



…and I have to do it…I have to walk over to that gigantic Gift Horse and look him straight in the mouth as I ask him the 100,000 pyramid question of the day…



“ Why am I HERE?” I ask Willow.



The question is…well…unquestionably juvenile. It’s like I’m four years old… asking her the meaning of life… or why the sky is blue… or where the water goes when you flush the toilet…



“ Because you kind of passed out again…and then you woke up and put your head on my lap…” Willow says…her face a cornucopia of confusion and a little sprig of fear…



Maybe she thinks I hit my head…maybe she thinks I don’t know who she is… maybe I’m going to be like one of those schmarmy soap opera heroines that gets into a mysterious boating accident and forgets that I secretly have a cheating husband and two children from three separate marriages hidden off the coast of Boca Raton in an underground lair so that my nemesis…who actually has no real excuse to hate me or my family except that once time…about twenty years ago…I had unwittingly witnessed a shady dealing between them and a major plastics corporation king pin that could bring down the face of the plastics industry once and for all…..



Or maybe I’m putting words into her mouth…err…brain…



Hey…what can I say…I have often thought that babble can be transferred through kissing…it’s actually called the Other Kissing Disease…except that you’re too busy babbling to actually be kissing…which makes it more of a tragic malady…than a disease…and here I go…again….



“ I mean…Fight to the death…what with the fighting…and especially the part about the Death….” I clarify to the worst of my abilities…



Why is it when I’m tired and hovering precariously just above the threads of consciousness do I sound so much like Willow?



I am relieved to see Willow’s mouth spread into a generous smile.



“ You don’t remember? Baby, YOU were AMAZING…” Willow says. I halfway sit up…and turn onto one elbow to look back at her.



“ I was as strong as the Amazon?”



“ Stronger. I thought when you laid down on the ground, that it was over…but took a couple of steps…and she hit the dirt like…well…an Amazon hitting the dirt….”



A thread of worry seeps into my features. I know this because Willow leans in to kiss that spot she loves so much at my brow where it crinkles with worry.



“ She’s fine…she just passed out before you did even. I was shouting it at you when you turned to look at me…but I guess you were already on your way…OUT.”



“ No fight to the Death?”



“ No.”



Another thread of fear hits me.



“ Rematch?” I squeak. She smiles …almost as though she is humoring my questions…and kisses my forehead again…then my temple…and then my cheek…just beneath my eye…making me flutter my eyelids.



“ Nope. The Queen was so impressed with you that she called the match a draw. You know this…” I pull back quickly. Too quickly as my head starts to spin again.



I slap my hand down on the cushy mattress of the bed.

“ Could you ladies like…STOP rotating the bed for like…a MINUTE…or the result is not going to be pretty…” I say to the Bed-Maidens…



They slow the bed to a stop and stand patiently…



“ But a draw means I didn’t win you back! It means she gets to KEEP you!” I say…working myself up into a tell-tale tizzy…and a tizzy on me…isn’t pretty…it’s kind of angry red and splotchy…with a touch of pasty pale for contrast. And still Willow smiles at me.



“ You know…you are so sexy when you get all worked up…” She says waggling her eyebrows at me.



Nope! No waggling of the brows…no being all sexy and charmy when I KNOW that you are trying to soften the blow!



“ Will…this is not funny.” I say. “ I lost the woman I love to a hot Amazonian Queen after a mysterious storm threw our boat off course and all I wanted to do is give you the best Date Night EVER…”



Okay…maybe our lives ARE kind of like a cheesy soap opera…



“ It’s becoming obvious to me that you don’t recall most of what happened last night after the fight. So… News flash, Maclay…...You’re like the butchest Little Person they have ever seen…EVERY woman on the island wants you…you’re like a pro-wrestling celebrity… Like the Rock…only with a nicer rack…and sexy hair….if they had trading cards in Amazonia…you would be on one…Last night…you were given the key to the ‘city’…along with a few consolation prizes…” She looks at me…and she must hear the crickets chirping in my head. “You don’t remember any of this? The ceremony…the dancing? The prizes? The night of unbridled passion and revelry? Tare?”



I’m looking off at the far wall of the expansive room we are in…concentrating…trying to recall even a snippet of what she is suggesting…



In the dusky recesses of my mind a few images and sounds flicker in and out of focus…





Thrum-ba-da-dum----ba-da-dum---bada dum-dum-dum



A pillar of fire



Thrum-ba-da-dum----ba-da-dum---bada dum-dum-dum



A flock of …. Things that looks like Sheep Monkeys.



Thrum-ba-da-dum----ba-da-dum---bada dum-dum-dum



A red bound book….



Thrum-ba-da-dum----ba-da-dum---bada dum-dum-dum



And a whole lotta wine in a cup the size of a Thanksgiving serving bowl.



Thrum-ba-da-dum----ba-da-dum---bada dum-dum-dum



And then….the image skitter back into the dark corner of my brain...probably nestling into the same place I keep images of my junior high school yearbook pictures and the Fourth Season of Friends….



Okay…this is starting to make a little bit of sense…in the way that it makes absolutely NO sense at all…



“ Uhm… Nope…” I say in answer to her questions…ALL of them.



“ So I’ll have to clue you in I guess…” Willow says.



“ Do I WANT to hear this?” I ask.



“ Oh….yessss….you WANT to hear this…” Willow says with utmost certainty.



And then she proceeds to shed light back there in the dark parts of my memory…



TBC…

" I mock you with my Monkey Pants!" - OZ


" Nymph! (pause)Nymphette?"


"Nympho." -The Pirate Movie
-


" If you imps are lookin for a fight, then ya come to the Chapel Oblige-ya!!" - Legend

Edited by: wiccachica  at: 8/3/02 10:50:02 am

[tkheaven]

Quote:

---

…you’re like a pro-wrestling celebrity… Like the Rock…only with a nicer rack…and sexy hair….

---

Quote:

---

And then….the image skitter back into the dark corner of my brain...probably nestling into the same place I keep images of my junior high school yearbook pictures and the Fourth Season of Friends...

---

I love how Tara brain goes into babble mode...

Wicca, I am officially placing myself as your loyal servant for whatever you want...I'll even try for the avacados in the mornings you don't grab them...scritches for whenever you want, I...am...your servant...*tk kneels to wicca when something falls from the side of her clothing..DOH...tk nonchalantly pulls back the leather whip and hides it behind her...



Edited to add: that rotating bed is sure to be present in best scenerios...*tk thinks back to Club Discotekka

*** THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP***

Tk's new and improved "GrrArgg"

-----------------------------
Tara was similarly riveted, her body on slow burn as Willow's lips parted and her mouth opened, the food slipping inside and being consumed. Never in her life had Tara ever wanted to be a chicken casserole so badly...Later that night..."It's good to be a chicken casserole," Tara murmured, before passing out. ~ Answering Darkness by Sassette

Edited by: tkheaven  at: 8/3/02 11:14:29 am

[LeatherQueen]

Oh, my chica... of course they're peanut butter and honey sammiches! Only the best for my scritchee.



Tara's like the Rock of Amazonia? heh... Once again, you and the troll amaze me with your wonkiness! And I, for one, can't wait to hear about this famous night.

--------------------------------


"But when they're playing your song on the jukebox in Hell, you might as well dance." - K. Simpson


"Futile... like a FOX, baby!" - Tara in The Late Shift by wiccachica

[wiccachica]

tkheaven... I'm going to officially say I have NO idea what you mean by a so-called THEME of rotating beds...for that would lead to the assumption that I have a sort of...THING for rotating beds... a fetish if you will and not that maybe this had something to do with plain old coincidence....Nope...no way...no such thing...We all know what my true fetish is....



( if you don't you haven't been reading between the lines of this fic and I challenge you to travel back and read pretty much everything since Spike first walked into the grocery store for some snacks...to figure out what it is...or make a wild and unwarranted guess...that works too...)



LeatherQueen...PB&H...yummmm....

I am currently hand grinding the esspresso beans for the troll in order to get him to produce something for tomorrow morning having to do with the night in question. Prepare yourself, DearHeart...it may involve Sheepmonkeys.



Now...I got an email recently reminding me that when my fic came over to this board sans the replies...I forgot to repost my email for feedback...



lafemmenikit@hotmail.com



Feel free to email me and tell me what you like/don't like...or what kind of psychological damage I've done to you and yours...



I welcome your opinions and I will forward any "Troll-Mail" I get to the appropriate party as always. (yes...you know who you are)



-chica

" I mock you with my Monkey Pants!" - OZ


" Nymph! (pause)Nymphette?"


"Nympho." -The Pirate Movie
-


" If you imps are lookin for a fight, then ya come to the Chapel Oblige-ya!!" - Legend

[Rane018]

i knew tara would kick amazon butt, she's a goddess afterall. ay, niki, you are too too funny for words. i love this story so much.

"She has magic fingers." Then, as though the words had just echoed back to her and sounded not at all right, she perked up and glanced around at the others. "On the keyboard." Tara, The Wisdom Of War...

[singgirl]

Okay, do you have any freaking idea how many DAYS it took me to catch up!? I read non-stop with the exception of sleeping and the occasional meal, and DAMN! You weren't kidding about the never ending fic thing, were you? I mean, please, don't get me wrong, I totally L-O-V-E this fic and all, and I like how there are many mini stories and subplots in each section, but jeeze....

[mollyig]

you’re like a pro-wrestling celebrity… Like the Rock…only with a nicer rack…and sexy hair



Heh, I'm sure Willow will do her utmost to remind Tara of the previous night!

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[Tulipp]

Okay, I admit, I am not caught up. In fact, I only recently got to the part about the tattoos, which was about 140 chapters ago. But I recently realized that if I wait to respond to the fics I'm catching up on until I'm done, I probably never will. So, I'm sure many people have told you this before, but this story is hilarious. I made myself a little body-switcheroo chart at the beginning so I could keep things straight, but then you took the story in so many wild and new directions that I gave up on my chart and just settled in for the ride. I'll try to say something more specific when I get to the later chapters, but it's just great to be able to read something that's so off the charts. Thanks.

[Grimaldi]

great update



the Tara babble was cute, Willow saying that Tara was like the butchest little person they've seen and comparing her to the Rock only with a nicer rack was funny

Dude, we're surrounded by perverts!

Fucking Windows 98, get Bill Gates in here!

We'll roll on with our heads held high - The Living End

[wiccachica]

Beck and Call…



Rane018… I often chide the troll for suggesting that Tara might NOT have won the battle…Lost Willow to the Amazonian Queen…and had to sail home alone…to break the news to her friends and family….You see…though I love the troll…he is twisted and wanted to rile the woncubines up…It turns out that trolls actually respond to not-so-idle threats of non-coffee delivery and ending all pastry perks…that…and if he made Tara lose…I’d kick his little troll butt right out of his guest house….



Singgirl… Days to catch up eh? Well It took a couple of days to write too. As for the copious subplots and story lines they are all true. They happened to a friend of mine…and I just saw fit to chronicle her life in Real-time writing…hence the expanse of story… Of course the names have been changed to protect my pals Wilma and Triennia. It all began on a rainy night in Santa Monica… Have I said too much?



Mollyig…I’m not sure about what “UTMOST” entails where you reside ( Over the water and through the woods…to Mollyig’s house we go…la-la) But “utmost” here in California involves whipping cream (the full-fat kind) and those funny little cupcake sprinkles….nuff said…heh.



Tulipp… As for the body switcheroo chart: I HONESTLY had to make one for myself until the first…oh…30 or so chapters were done. Oddly enough it all seemed to be natural after a few heavy-weight espressos…some Tangerine Dream vinyl playing in the background…and a Jolt Cola chaser….You should try it….it really works! Thank you for reading the troll!



P.S. I’m not joking about the Tangerine Dream vinyl….it truly helps…



-chica





Chapter 187: Murder-Death-Kill…and Wine…



This is how Willow says it all happened.



She wants you to know that if you question what you are about to read…you will just have to get yourself lost at sea…and randomly find yourself marooned on this particular Amazonian island…and ask them for yourself...just before they kill you. Willow is sure it will be written down in the annals of their history…written into the constellations in poetic verse…and told to every small Amazonian Chicklet for generations to come…



I’m soooo not exaggerating…she SAID this… and I had to look her right in the eye and keep a straight face.



She says she remembers it like it was yesterday.



It WAS yesterday….just moments before Kalei fell face first into the sand and I had already fallen back and slipped into a brief pseudo-coma staring into the night sky…..



* * * *



Willow snapped her chain taut trying to see if I was all right.



When the Queen would offer her no leeway…she turned on the taller woman.



“ Let-me-go.” She said with a gleam in her eye. The Queen raised one brow at her…and snapped the chain even tighter between them.



A battle of wills was underway…which would have been funny and full of punning if the Queen’s name had been Willimina…or Wilfred… but it wasn’t…. and I digress….



Willow moved back towards the Queen…picking up the slack of the chain as she went.



“ I need to go to my girlfriend.” Willow said.



“ She’s about to die.” The Queen offered politely…watching as Kalei moved over to pluck her sword out of the sand.



Out came the sword…..



Stagger….stagger….PLOP…went Broadzilla….



The Queen immediately came to her feet…her face a mask of disbelief and shock. She looked from her downed mate to Willow…



“ I…don’t…” She started. In her shock…Willow calmly slipped the rest of the chain out of her fist.



“ Oh…BELIEVE IT…” She said to the Queen and started down the steps.



Okay folks…THAT part…I can wrap my brain around… You know…me winning the fight by default…Willow standing up to the Queen…the corny dialog….



I can believe THAT…



But the rest…well…judge for yourself…



**** **** ****



Thrum-ba-da-dum----ba-da-dum---bada dum-dum-dum



I blink up into the night sky just as the music started up again.



It is entirely possible that it is the drums that brought me back around in the first place…either way…I sat up groggily to find myself…NOT lying face up in a sandpit…but in the center of a giant ring of fire…



Palm leaves crinkle beneath me as I push myself slowly into a sitting position. I am currently without the basic amenities…. like clothes…and my girlfriend….



“Oh great…I die…and this is where I end up? Hades? What did I do to deserve this?” I complain out loud just as a section of the fire ring douses momentarily…



…And your everyday, red mud wearing, seven foot amazon strides through the fire towards me.



It is the Gershonicon…my old Buddy o’ Battle… Kalei. The fire rises again behind her.



When I say red mud wearing…I actually mean just that…Red mud…making her seem so much more awesome and ethereal …and RED….as she walks towards me in even strides…



Thrum-ba-da-dum----ba-da-dum---bada dum-dum-dum



She’s holding what in her hands looks like a cup…but to me is a bowl the size of my head.



“ Wwwhat the…?” I say aloud… trying to decide whether I should scamper back away from her before she reaches me…or just stand my ground…just let her set me on fire…and go down in a…as they would say in the appropriate 80’s song for this moment… BLAZE OF GLORY.



All right…easy choice…when given the choice of fight or flight…I’m taking the first plane outta here, baby…FIRST CLASS…



I start to move back… and she puts a size 29 foot on my leg to keep me from running.



I consider flopping around like a rabbit…but given my state of undress I’m thinking it would not flatter me….



“ Hold still Little Woman.” Kalei says firmly.



Oddly enough…I hold still.



When giant naked Red Amazons tell you not to move…you listen…rule of thumb.



I tense up …preparing for the searing pain of being cooked alive by this Monster version of Martha Stewart…except maybe a little more naked than Martha likes to get…



I say maybe…I don’t watch her show…



Thrum-ba-da-dum----ba-da-dum---bada dum-dum-dum



The music seems to be coming from all around us…so heavy and loud that I can feel it setting the tempo of my heart….



Thrum-ba-da-dum----ba-da-dum---bada dum-dum-dum



Out of the corner of my eye I see another piece of the fire ring drop away…and another Amazon strides in with a bowl. And other from the other side….both of them holding bowls.



But it is the one nearest to me…the one in Kalei’s hands that is my immediate concern.



Kalei drops to one knee in front of me. And brings the bowl up under my face.



I take a whiff and my eyes water…



I knew it…gasoline of the gods…petrol of power…she’s going to light me up like a roman candle…



“ Drink.” Kalei says. I blink at her.



“ You want me to drink gasoline?” I say out loud.



“ It’s wine.” She says…looking at me as though I’m a bit touched in the head.



I look right back at her as though she’s the one with the touched head.



Another rule of thumb…a big red amazon tells you to drink her gasoline…you do it.



I take the bowl from her and sip at the “wine”. Kalei helps me out by tipping the bowl higher and practically drowning me.



I know…I’m out of thumbs to put rules on…but let me just say that Amazonian wine is the standard equivalent to our beverage Everclear with a slosh of Grape Maneshevitz for coloring…soooo…….



TWO AND A HALF MINUTES LATER:



I’m looking for a table to dance on…



FOUR MINUTES LATER:



I’m Annie Freakin’ Oakley leading the Naked MayDay Parade…



“ Whooo Haw!!!” I shout at the other Amazons holding bowls. “ Those better be peanuts!” I say to the one on my right in my loud ‘I’ve been drinking but I don’t want you to KNOW I’ve been drinking’ voice.



(Let me establish that I NEVER say ‘Whooo Haw’… ‘Wheee’….maybe… ‘whooo haw’….no…)





“ They are not peanuts.” One of the Amazons states stoically. Full of no fun what so ever.



“Then whatcha got there???” I feign the same level of seriousness that she has on here face…and then burst into braying laughter as they pull me to my feet and hold my arms out airplane style.



The Serious One (as I’m going to call her) Tips the bowl over my head.



“ Ceremonial Mud.” She says.



Somewhere in this small city of Amazons…they have hidden a sub-zero refrigerator…where they keep this red mud stored for moments JUST LIKE THIS…



Warm…drunk…and happy turns swiftly to Red, Very Cold… and bleating in shock.



Okay…sooooo out of thumbs now…



But listen…



When big Red Amazonians want to rub cold red mud all over you and make you one of them… let them… it’s not ACTUALLY torture… It’s more like a mud bath…at a spa for the criminally hands-on…



Thrum-ba-da-dum----ba-da-dum---bada dum-dum-dum



Still there’s one Amazon with a bowl left…and I wobble my head to look at her….



“ What’s in there? Lamb’s blood? White voodoo powder? Peyote? Some kind of ceremonial Amazonian nipple piercing kit?” I ask…ready for my next “trial”.



She holds the bowl out to me…



“ Uhm…actually…. it’s the peanuts.” She says.





TBC…

" I mock you with my Monkey Pants!" - OZ


" Nymph! (pause)Nymphette?"


"Nympho." -The Pirate Movie
-


" If you imps are lookin for a fight, then ya come to the Chapel Oblige-ya!!" - Legend

Edited by: wiccachica  at: 8/4/02 10:20:51 am

[mollyig]

Hmm, I like the sound of the Californian "utmost". The Irish "utmost", would be something similar, but drink would be involved somehow, and perhaps mud (only we call it muck!) - hey, we're Amazons!

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[LeatherQueen]

"It's the peanuts"?



Another lovely update, chica! But it's the title of this one that gets me: "Murder-Death-Kill" *giggle* Has the troll been watching bad Sandra Bullock movies again?

--------------------------------


"But when they're playing your song on the jukebox in Hell, you might as well dance." - K. Simpson


"Futile... like a FOX, baby!" - Tara in The Late Shift by wiccachica

[singgirl]

peanuts! oh, and might I add...there is no such thing as a bad Sandra Bullock movie, she just gets stuck with annoying co-stars and a poorly written plot/script!

[AutumnT]

LOL. Twisted as usual. But dear God did you have to bring up the spector of Martha Stewart naked?

Autumn

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Buffy Season 6: It grated, like something forced in where it doesn't belong.

[zero]

Wiccachica, since you liked it so much the first time, I'll say it again: greatly bizarre! Love it!

Just because noone understands you doesnt mean you're an artist!