Tara proceeded to fill Riley in. She told him how she had first seen Willow at the Wicca group she had been sent to investigate, about the connection she had felt. She told him about the Gentlemen coming and going to find Willow to do a spell and the laundry room, and how they had had such power together.
Then Tara told Riley about how, when she had reported the events to Walsh, the professor had wanted her to see Willow again, to investigate the redhead and see if she was a threat. Basically, her mission was to befriend Willow and spy on her.
Tara waited for the recriminations, but they never came. Riley just listened to her.
Something struck Riley she listened to Tara's story. It was a little thing, really, but he knew it meant something. Whenever Tara was talking about the past, in those painful early days in The Initiative, she called the professor Maggie. Now when she talked about the professor, Tara always called her Walsh. Riley wondered if Tara even noticed it.
The something else struck Riley.
"That was right around the time I told Professor Walsh that Buffy was the Slayer," Riley said, thinking out loud. "After the Gentlemen."
Tara nodded, having surmised as much herself. "That's what I thought, though I wasn't sure until just now."
"What do you mean?" Riley asked curiously.
Tara peered at Riley intently for a long minute. This was the time, the moment when Tara had to decide just how far she could - would - trust Riley. If Riley was being up front with her, then he could be an important ally against Walsh. If he was playing her... then all would be lost.
Tara hated to think in those terms, to be looking for an angle when considering whether to trust someone or not, but... she had to. For Willow. To protect Willow, Tara would do anything.
Still... the truth was that Tara desperately needed someone to talk to. She had been holding all this inside for months... the deception, the suspicion, the love warring with her duty. There was a sad irony in that - loving and being loved by Willow had made Tara finally not feel so alone, yet in many ways during the last couple of months, Tara had never felt more alone in her life.
Tara had always trusted her instincts when it came to trusting people. Yet her recent experience with Walsh had thrown everything completely out of whack, though if she were honest about it, everything had been out of whack for a long while.
Before coming to Sunnydale, Tara had lost so much of herself. Even in the dark days with her family, Tara had never lost her sense of hope, her faith in humanity, her ability to dream. But in the last year, Tara had lost so much of that. A lot of it had to do with... no, she wouldn't think about that now. It didn't matter anyway, it wasn't the point.
The point was that up until a couple months ago, she had trusted Walsh implicitly... until Willow. Could she trust her instincts now, with Riley? Should she trust what her mind and heart were telling her, that Riley was her friend?
Was it worth the risk to Willow?
It seemed like forever while Tara thought about this, though really it wasn't more than a couple of minutes. But it was thinking of Willow that finally brought Tara to a decision. Willow had taught her how to hope again. Willow had restored her faith. Willow had brought dreams back into Tara's life. Willow... would want Tara to trust Riley. To trust herself. To believe.
Finally, Tara spoke, her decision made.
"Willow explained to me about the Slayer and the Scoobies," Tara explained. "But I didn't report any of that to Walsh, not right away. I didn't want to say anything until I had at least met everyone."
Riley cocked an eyebrow, as if he wasn't buying Tara's explanation in the slightest.
Tara shrugged, then said, "Well, that was part of it. Truth is that I also wanted to protect Willow."
"From what?" Riley asked.
"From everything," Tara answered simply.
Riley nodded, his eyes crinkling with kindness in the corners, and Tara continued.
"Nevertheless, Walsh never told me about the Slayer, either," Tara said.
Riley's brow furrowed. "That's... strange. Buffy's been working for The Initiative for a while now."
"I agree," Tara said, "it is... strange. Especially considering that Walsh had to figure that at some point you and I would run into each other and I would find out you were an agent."
Riley's eyes widened. "You mean..."
"Exactly," Tara said, answering the unspoken question. "I didn't know you were in The Initiative until that night at the Bronze, when you told me."
Riley was stunned. "I don't get it."
"Neither did I," Tara responded. "So that night I went to Walsh, to try and find out what was going on. I have to admit, when you first told me at the Bronze, I thought you might be spying on Buffy and Willow and the rest."
"I would never..." Riley started to say, then trailed off as a flash of grief crossed Tara's face. "I'm sorry, Tara-"
"It's okay," Tara said quietly. "I did what I did. There's no denying it."
Riley nodded, and Tara went on.
"Anyway, I asked Walsh if you were an agent, and she said yes, but... it was weird, Riley. She... she was so calm about it. And she didn't really say anything. She just... waited," Tara said.
Understanding dawned on Riley. "She was testing you," he said, his voice full of a kind of disturbed awe.
Tara nodded. "Then she asked me what I would think if she told me you were spying on Willow."
"What!? I wasn't! I'm not!" Riley shouted. He didn't like the idea of the professor ordering Tara to spy on anyone, but especially not Willow. Truthfully, he didn't like the fact that Tara had agreed, either, but he was reserving judgment until he got the full story.
"I know, I know," Tara said soothingly.
"Why would she say that?" Riley asked, clearly upset.
"Think about it, Riley," Tara said, her voice not containing the slightest hint of sarcasm. She led Riley through the thought process. "You said it yourself. She was testing me. She wanted to know if I was still loyal to her... or if my love for Willow had changed that."
Riley looked at Tara in confusion, not understanding. Had she just said...?
"Riley, I'm in love with Willow," Tara said, her voice thick with emotion. "More than that, Willow's in love with me. We're together."
Surprise was evident on Riley's face, but that surprise was soon replaced by a delighted, and slightly goofy, grin.
"I should have realized... the way you two look at each other..." Riley said with a touch of amazement. Then, with complete sincerity, he added, "That's great, Tara."
Tears sprung into Tara's eyes, and the blonde agent couldn't help but throw her arms around the farm boy from Iowa, grateful for his wonderful reaction and support. Riley hugged Tara back, and they both started laughing. Joy and honesty had just bound these new friends together.
Riley stood, offering Tara his hand to help her up, which she accepted. After a quick squeeze, Riley let Tara's hand go, and they continued on their trek back to Tara's dorm.
"You're the first person to know," Tara said, her voice taking on a bittersweet tone. "Well, except for Willow and me, of course."
"I guessed that," Riley said.
Tara smiled weakly. "But no one else knows... not even Walsh.
Especially not Walsh."
Riley stopped walking, and lightly took Tara's arm, halting her as well. "Tara... what's going on with Professor Walsh?" he asked, looking straight into Tara's eyes. "From what you've said... she's up to something. And I can't help you unless I know everything."
Tara sighed, then nodded, grateful to have Riley on her side. "You're right. Problem is I can't figure out what Walsh is up to. So far, she hasn't even really done anything," Tara said. "I mean yes, she had me spy on Willow, but that sort of made sense - at least at the beginning. Other than that, it's just been... little things. Her behavior, her reaction when I told her about you being Initiative and Buffy being the Slayer and all that, the little lies and omissions..."
Tara trailed off, and started walking again. Riley followed.
"I just... I have a bad feeling. Very bad," she said. "I'm scared for Willow, Riley. I'm scared that Walsh wants something from Willow, something that will hurt her. And I have to find out what it is."
"So I take it, then, that Willow still doesn't know you're Initiative?" Riley asked as gently as he could. He pretty much already knew the answer based on everything Tara had already said, but still... the question had needed to be asked.
Pain sliced across Tara's face. "I wanted to tell her, Riley," Tara said, her voice almost pleading. "I was going to tell her, but..."
"If you tell her and Professor Walsh finds out, the professor will pull you off the assignment and even worse, won't trust you anymore, so you won't be ale to find out what's really going on," Riley finished for her.
"Exactly," Tara said quietly.
"I get that," Riley said. He grew quiet for a moment, then said, "Honestly? It's hard for me to accept all this. I mean, I do accept this, but... Professor Walsh has been a mentor to me. I owe her a lot."
"So do I. She saved me from my family, Riley... from a life I don't know if... she saved me, trained me, gave me a new start and a purpose. I owe her a great deal," Tara agreed, understanding where Riley was coming from. "But there's just... something. Everything inside of me is screaming that there's something wrong, but I can't figure out just what it is."
Riley thought about that for a moment. Yes, it was hard to believe that Walsh was up to something bad, especially when they had no idea what that something was. And yet... Riley could see it, now that he was really looking. He had always trusted Walsh, but still there had always been something there, nipping at the back of his mind. Some little kernel of doubt that Walsh was who and what she appeared. He had always dismissed it - it's not a soldier's job to question his superiors, after all, but now...
"You have to trust your instincts, Tara," Riley said. No matter what doubts he may have had about Walsh's intentions, Riley knew with perfect certainty that he trusted Tara. There wasn't a bad bone in her body, he could feel it. So if Tara thought Walsh was up to something, Riley had to believe that it was true. And he had to help.
"I know," Tara agreed. She stopped them both, peering intently at Riley. "So what are your instincts telling
you?"
"That I should trust
your instincts," Riley said without hesitation. "That I should trust you."
Tara smiled gratefully, and they resumed walking.
"I have to ask you one thing, though," Riley said.
"Why did I do it?" Tara suggested, knowing this question was coming, and that it deserved to be answered. Riley nodded.
Tara walked along, gathering her words. Finally, she spoke.
"From the moment I first saw Willow, I knew there was something special about her. She had this light, you know? And she had power, too, but I didn't really even think about that right away. Then the Gentlemen came, and I discovered just how powerful she really was," she explained. "And that should have made me want to investigate her, to do my duty. But all I could think about was seeing her again. Not because of my assignment, but because I wanted to get to know her, to spend time with her. Because I couldn't imagine
not seeing her again."
Tara paused, and Riley just walked along silently, waiting.
"When I finally reported to Walsh all that had happened, and she got so interested in Willow and wanted me to see her again, it bothered me," Tara said. "Here Walsh was, saying how Willow could be a threat, and all I could think was, 'Are you crazy? Willow couldn't possibly be a threat.' But I had only just met Willow, so I shouldn't have been thinking that at all. My only thought should have been about my mission."
"That's not true," Riley corrected. "What did I just say about trusting your instincts? You have to go with your gut, and let me tell you, I think your gut is right on the money when it comes to Willow. There's no way she could be a threat to anyone."
Tara smiled a little. It was obvious Riley cared for Willow as a friend.
"Anyway, Walsh said I needed to keep investigating, see what Willow was capable of," Tara continued. "When I hesitated, she suggested sending someone else, and I told her no, that I would do it. I just had this overwhelming urge to protect Willow, you know? And I was afraid that someone else would screw it up, would see a danger in Willow that didn't exist. And..."
"And?" Riley prompted once again.
"And... honestly? I was jealous. I know it's ridiculous, but... Walsh suggested this one agent from San Diego, Agent Wheton. Skanky bitch."
The last two words were mumbled under Tara's breath, so Riley almost didn't catch them. Almost. He started laughing.
Tara smirked. "Anyway, I just didn't want anyone else near Willow. I figured if it had to be someone, it might as well be me. At least that way I could protect her."
"So then what?" Riley asked.
"Well, we got together and did some spells. Nothing too major," Tara said. "Actually, most of the time we just sat around talking, getting to know each other. But the reports I gave to Walsh... I omitted a lot of things. I told her about the basic spells and stuff, but I didn't tell Walsh about how close Willow and I were getting. I wanted to just tell Walsh flat out that Willow was no threat, but..."
"Something stopped you," Riley suggested.
"Yeah. Something was bothering me, even way back then. For a while I thought maybe it was just the lies, especially because I was falling in love with Willow, but I realized that wasn't it," Tara said. "It was that I didn't trust Walsh, and I knew if I told her that Willow was harmless, she wouldn't believe me. I knew, too, that if I told Walsh about my feelings, she would pull me off the case and just send someone else - then I couldn't protect Willow."
"So you figured you'd just keep submitting these harmless reports, appearing to remain completely impartial, and eventually Walsh would lose interest," Riley said, filling in the gaps.
"Right," Tara agreed. "Then I found out about you and I went to see Walsh. You know the rest."
Riley nodded. It all made sense. In truth, Riley couldn't fault Tara for the choices she had made. She had done her best to pick the lesser of two evils, all the while trying to protect Willow. Riley realized that if he'd been in Tara's place, he would have done exactly the same thing.
"I need you to keep this quiet, Riley," Tara said. "Walsh can't find out. And that means no telling Buffy or-"
"I know," Riley said, interrupting. "And I won't say a word about anything you've told me about Walsh or The Initiative or you and Willow - not even to Buffy."
"I need to keep this as quiet as possible for as long as possible," Tara said.
"You realize you're going to have to at least tell Willow," Riley said, more statement than question. "The longer you wait, the worse it will be."
"I know," Tara said. "I know."
"So what now?" Riley asked.
"Now... I go home, take a shower, and get some sleep," Tara said.
"Tara, that's not what I meant," Riley said, pursing his lips.
Tara smiled tiredly. "I know," she said, having known full well what Riley was really asking. That was the sixty-four thousand dollar question though, wasn't it? What would she do now? What should she do next?
"Honestly, I am going to get some sleep," Tara said, "because I can't think about this anymore right now. Then... I'm going to call Willow. I'll tell her today. All of it. I had already decided to do that. She deserves to know the truth. Whatever happens after that, well... I'll figure it out as I go."
Riley nodded. "I think that's the right decision, Tara," he said. "If she knows the full story, hopefully she'll understand that we need to keep it from Walsh long enough to find out what's going on. In the meantime, I'll start poking my nose where it doesn't belong, see what I can find out."
"Riley..." Tara said warningly. She didn't want Riley to put himself in danger anymore than he already had just by listening to her story.
Riley put his hand up to silence her. "We're in this together now," he said. "We're a team, remember? Partners. And partners back each other up."
Tara rolled her eyes and laughed. "Riley, we've been partners for all of about nine hours. Nine hours does not an obligation make."
Riley grinned that big farm boy grin. "Not where I come from. Once a partner, always a partner. We're like the Mafia. Once you're in, you can never get out."
"And this would be the Soy Bean Mafia, I suppose?" Tara joked. "You have a big turf war over control of the cow trade? You have a Corn Consiglieri?"
Riley howled with laughter and just nodded. Tara couldn't help but laugh too.
"Seriously, Tara," Riley said earnestly. "I care about Willow, too. Did you know that she's the one who actually got Buffy and me together?"
Tara shook her head. That she hadn't known.
"Well she did," Riley said. "She knew I liked Buffy, but was too nervous to say anything. So she sort of gave me advice on how to get Buffy's attention, and kind of pushed us together. Of course, she also threatened to beat me to death with a shovel if I hurt Buffy, but..."
Tara's eyes widened in surprise. She couldn't imagine Willow threatening anyone and yet somehow... she could.
"A vague disclaimer's nobody's friend," Riley said simply, as if that explained everything.
"O-kay," Tara said uncertainly.
"Anyway, point is that Willow was my friend before I really even got to know Buffy," Riley said. "Willow was nice to me, talked to me, helped me out... just because that's Willow. She does that."
"Yeah, she does," Tara said with pride.
Riley smiled. "Willow's a great person, and even if she wasn't my friend, I'd still want to help her. And even of you weren't my friend - which you are, by the way - I'd want to help you, because you're a great person, too," Riley explained. "So now add the fact that you're both my friends, plus the fact that Willow is my girlfriend's best friend, and that you and I are partners in one of the most covert government organizations in America, and well... what do you think I'm gonna do?"
"Um, I'm thinking you're going to help?" Tara said, smiling.
"Precisely," Riley said, pleased that his logic had worked.
"By the way, you're starting to babble like Willow," Tara smirked.
"What is up with that?" Riley asked good naturedly. "Does she babble like that all the time? I mean, it's sweet, but wow... I get dizzy trying to follow her train of thought."
Tara grinned. "You should hear her when she gets aroused," she said, blushing slightly.
"Really?" Riley asked, grinning back at Tara.
"Oh, yeah," Tara said, blushing even more.
**************************
Tara was just finishing her dissertation on the finer points of Willow-babble as they reached Tara's dorm room.
"...so I said... Willow!" Tara gasped out the name in surprise as she opened the door to find two green eyes staring up at her from the middle of her bed.
Riley was laughing as he came in behind Tara - until he too spotted Willow, who was looking very tired and quite confused.
Willow sat in the center of the bed rubbing her eyes. She looked past Tara to stare at Riley. Then she looked back at Tara, who was hanging her head down guiltily.
"I should go," Riley said quietly, backing out of the room and leaving the door standing open. Neither woman commented on his leaving. Tara looked back up to find Willow still staring at her. The look on Willow's face broke Tara's heart.
"Wil-"
"Are you sleeping with Riley?" Willow demanded.
Honestly, that was the last thing Tara had ever expected to come out of Willow's mouth.
"What!?!" Tara yelped. "You think that I... that he... oh Goddess, no!" Tara backpedaled, even as she started laughing. She couldn't help it, even though she knew she was not helping the situation. Just the thought of her and Riley... it really was quite funny.
Willow's eyes went wide when Tara started laughing, tears forming. The sight of Willow tearing up stopped Tara's laughing cold. She rushed over to the redhead, wrapping her arms around her. Willow's arms stayed limply at her sides.
"Oh, sweetie, no," Tara said, stroking Willow's back and placing tiny kisses into her hair. "Riley and I are friends, nothing more. I was laughing because just the thought of Riley and I having an affair... no, baby. I'm not sleeping with Riley."
Willow's arms finally lifted up and weakly settled on Tara's hips. Tara looked back and brushed the tears out of Willow's eyes and peered into them intently.
"There is no one, and I mean
no one, other than you," Tara said with all the love in her heart. "I am completely, totally, one hundred percent in love with you. There will never be anyone else but you. Ever."
That got a little smile from Willow. She looked down shyly and bit her bottom lip.
"Really?" Willow asked quietly, looking back up. Her little smile was quickly turning into a patented Willow-grin.
"Really," Tara said firmly, placing a tender kiss on Willow's lips.
"It's just... I mean, I know you said to go home and all but I was so upset and I was getting ready to go... and then I knocked your journal off your desk and I went to put it back but it was open and I started reading it..." Willow went into an extended babble. "And it was so beautiful and I realized you were writing about me... about us... you were writing about us, right?"
Tara nodded, biting her lip so she wouldn't laugh at the adorableness of her girlfriend.
"Oh, okay, good... so it was all just so beautiful and I realized I couldn't just let myself think you didn't want me and leave..."
Tara started to protest, but Willow silenced her with a finger to the blonde's lips.
"Shh, I know, baby... reading those poems made me realize you do want me because you love me... so I had to stay and wait for you to come back so we could talk... and I'm really sorry I read your private poems... I didn't mean to-"
This time it was Tara's turn to silence Willow, and she did so with a kiss.
They held each other for a long moment, taking comfort in each others arms. Finally Tara pulled back and moved back toward the door to close it.
"So you've been here all night?" Tara asked as she turned back to face Willow after she had closed the door. Willow was staring at her with her brow furrowed in obvious confusion. "What is it, sweetie?"
"Tara?" Willow asked slowly, almost distractedly. "Why are you wearing camouflage?"
Tara's eyes went wide. She looked down at her outfit and realized she was in fact still wearing her fatigues. She and Riley hadn't changed before heading out since she was heading straight home and Buffy was used to seeing Riley in his military garb.
Tara looked back up at Willow with something akin to panic, and started pacing. Neither Willow nor Tara said a word as Willow continued to stare and Tara continued to pace. Finally, a thought occurred to Willow. A thought she really didn't want to think about.
All the pieces of the puzzle slid into place.
That night at the Bronze, feeling that Tara was holding something back... Willow had felt that it had something to do with her.
The feeling Willow got from the poems that Tara was hiding something... A feeling which, when she really thought about it, she'd had niggling at the back of her mind for a while.
Tara's amazingly muscular body... It was deceptive, really, but Tara was really,
really strong under all those baggy clothes. Not that Willow minded in the least, especially when...
Okay, concentrate Rosenberg. No getting lost in thoughts of Tara-thigh pressing... no, no... no pressing. Back to the puzzle pieces.
Tara leaving suddenly last night... Willow had spent practically every waking moment with Tara for the last month, and they had talked for hours and hours, but Tara had never mentioned anyone named Margaret. Nor had she mentioned any other friends, for that matter. So who would be calling and why would it make Tara go running out in the middle of the night?
Tara being out with Riley all night...
The camouflage...
And she knew... suddenly, certainly, she knew. But she clung to one last, desperate hope. Funny how the mind does that.
"Baby, please tell me you were just out playing paintball?" Willow practically begged.
****************************
TBC with Part 18: Recriminations
"Maybe I'll change my look, or cut class. You don't know! And I'm eating this banana, lunch-time be damned!" - Willow, Dopplegangland
Thanks for the update and as always I am eagerly awaiting the next part. 
by Puff » Fri Oct 25, 2002 10:29 am 
LMAO! That's good! 
Yes, yes, it surprised me too because i HATE riley...with a passion...but your riley...i kinda...dare i say...like him! *gasp* But i really liked how Tara finally let out all her emotions and finally told someone what happened.
.
YAY!! I'm excited its all unfolding and Willow - as smart as she is - figuring it out! I say Its about damn time! 